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Dinner music - the host or the guest decides?

Recently, I had a few guests over for dinner. I had planned the music - Jazz, instrumental and classic well known selections. As the evening went on, "Roz" mentioned she wanted something with a little "more octane" and asked me to put on a local dance music station. This was during dinner. The group responded they preferred what was on, but "Roz" pouted about the decision and after we finished, helped herself to the controls. As I brought out coffee and dessert, the music was loud and I thought not conductive to conversation. We ate in silence as the music played. My new flan recipe was overlooked as people went to dance. Was this rude, or the right move?

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  1. Rude Roz. If it had been my party, as soon as she touched the controls, I would have changed it back and scolded her not to touch my stereo

    1. She was rude, front to back. Your house, your party, your guests. You set the tone for the type of party experience you want to share with them.

      If she wants a dance party, let her host one. I'd have turned the radio off.

      1. Roz is a ballsy sorta woman. And by ballsy, I mean rude.

        Hosts who want input on their playlists will generally make that known, by telling you where to submit requests or how to work their chosen playlist software. If they don't explicitly invite that kind of input, then music is hands off.

        2 Replies
        1. re: Jacquilynne

          So far all the answers reinforce what I have heard from the other guests. "Jim" who came with "Roz" refused to dance and said she was being rude as she turned the music up and started to pull people out of their seats. They had a little scuffle over this, but I was glad he said something. I tried to let it fly, to not make too much of it, but "Roz" sent me an email thanking me for the dance party, and said nothing about the special dinner I had prepared for everyone. "Roz" can rub people the wrong way, and I guess this is exhibit A of why.

          1. re: SamuelAt

            Was "Roz" also a bit more than tispy...?? Rude all the same but may help to explain her lack of common manners....

        2. I'm just impressed that your stereo system and home are conducive to hosting a dance party! Yes she was rude but living on an old farm house I can only dream if people being able to dance without having to move the furniture and pulling up rugs.

          1. you're not REALLY asking this as a question, are you?? obviously, Roz won't be invited a second time.

            1. I'm even more baffled by the fact that someone would forcibly turn a dinner party into a dance!

              But yeah, host sets the music. With family or a close friend, I think it would be okay to ask if a particular type of music be changed if it's something that really annoys you. And a considerate host will stop to consider if their own tastes in music are widely shared or not.

              In the future, you can take the controls back, or just turn the music off all together.

              1. And...your poor flan recipe was "overlooked."

                7 Replies
                1. re: beevod

                  That's the real victim in this shocking scenario. My god, the flan.

                  1. re: Hobbert

                    Roz kept asking me for my "phlegm" recipe and joking she can't pronouce foreign words. She pushed her plate aside, got up, and turned on a station playing Katie Perry, which she turned up to dance to. At that moment, the balance of the guests either looked disheartended and stared into space, or got up and danced. The flan was ignored - but I asked the question because eventually people enjoyed the dancing, so I guess I was wondering about just going with the flow.

                    1. re: SamuelAt

                      Roz keeps acting like a twit and expecting her not to act like a twit will only result in disappointment on your end.

                      1. re: SamuelAt

                        Good gawd, Katie Perry??? At that point, I'd have turned off the radio and played Shriekback's Nemesis*, quite possibly one of the best songs for dancing EVER. And then turned to her and said "THIS is dance music." And glared at her.

                        *with some rather dark lyrics that are sorta food-related, to wit:
                        We feel like Greeks, we feel like Romans
                        Centaurs and monkeys just cluster round us
                        We drink elixirs that we refine
                        From the juices of the dying

                        Roz is a twit.

                        1. re: nofunlatte

                          Actually, LOL, I played "My Spine is the Bass Line" once and she said she'd rather hear Britney. No accounting for taste.

                          1. re: SamuelAt

                            *sobs*

                            that in itself would be enough to keep her off of my invite list!

                    2. re: beevod

                      Next time, invite me. I guarantee the flan won't get overlooked (in fact, I'd probably have eaten the whole thing). And, I would have gotten up and changed the music back. Let Roz hang in the wind there!

                    3. It was very rude of 'Roz', especially since the other guests said they preferred your choice for eating! Next time, tell her to turn the volume down to conversation level, and if she won't do it, take custody of the remote and do it yourself. If you're feeling particularly benign, tell her she can have the dance music on AFTER you've all finished eating, when she can play the music in one room and people who prefer to chat can retire to another...

                      1. By any chance, is this the same "Roz" from an earlier thread of yours re: commenting negatively on food that other people order in restaurants? It seems pretty clear that Roz does not have the internal filter/STOP mechanism necessary to thrive in adult society. Her behavior reminds me of 2-3 year old children. "I want what I want when I want it (to hell with the rest of you)" seems her clear message.
                        Edit: Roz needs a 'time out' from adult company so the rest of you can get on with enjoying your lives.

                        1. Is this also the Roz who mocked your flan?

                          If so, I think you should attempt to get Jim to come to your dinner parties and restaurant invitations without Roz.

                          1. What type of dance party was it? Lewd? Square? Flamenco?

                            3 Replies
                            1. re: pollymerase

                              Oh, I hope it was dirty dancing like in that other thread about bringing children to "adult parties."

                              1. re: nothingswrong

                                Ha ha!!! Thanks for reminding me about that thread!

                              2. re: pollymerase

                                I hope it was a combo! Lewd square dancing, flamenco style!

                              3. Might it be more enjoyable to go with the flow a bit more? Sometimes a high-spirited guest is just what's needed, and if it turns into a dance party, so much the better. You know the situation best, obviously, but I personally wouldn't set such parameters only to get pissed later if all doesn't go to plan.

                                It's also possible to find a middle ground, e.g., "why don't we finish dessert then turn up the music?"

                                11 Replies
                                1. re: Niblet

                                  It may be a generational thing, because when I go to a friend's home, I want to converse with the guests, not sit silently 'cause the music volume defies conversation.

                                  1. re: Niblet

                                    I don't think it's really about the music. This woman seems to be a disruption at any gathering in which she is in attendance. On an earlier thread, she made rude comments about the food somebody else ordered in a restaurant. She apparently did not let up, but kept on and on with her comments. Apparently, at this dinner party she kept referring the the flan as 'phlegm'. She would no longer be welcome at any gathering in which I was the host.

                                    http://chowhound.chow.com/topics/972515

                                    http://chowhound.chow.com/topics/8455...

                                    1. re: John E.

                                      I have to agree; this really isn't about the music. This is about a woman who, as you say, is a disruption wherever she goes. If the series of threads in which her behavior is highlighted are typical of her carryings-on, she does these things deliberately, she enjoys being disruptive, has to have things her own way (much as an uncontrolled toddler would) and really does believe the world revolves around her, her needs, and her wants. She doesn't give a moment's thought for anyone else; it really is all about her.

                                      I wouldn't invite Roz anywhere, at any time. She would not be welcome in my home, nor at any gathering I hosted, period. She flat-out does *not* know how to behave anywhere at all.

                                      1. re: John E.

                                        Completely agree that in this case it isn't about the music.

                                        However, to respond to the general question about music - I think that there is room for a guest to voice polite suggestions or requests without physically making a change. Let's say the opposite had occurred at a meal where a host had very loud music on, I wouldn't find a guest rude to find a politely say "can we turn the volume down?" or "does anyone else find the music to be very loud?". Conversely, if a particular dinner party had been very festive - I could also see a polite request for something more lively.

                                        Pouting when being in the minority and then making the change herself was rude. But I don't think a guest making a suggestion for different music or music at a different volume is in itself rude.

                                        1. re: John E.

                                          This is the same "Roz" you all ask about. She has a chilly side, but most people consider her funny at times, and include her in group outings. She came to the party with an h'ors douvre and wine, so she can be OK at times. She is also dating a close friend who gets frustrated by her, but won't go anywhere without her.

                                          1. re: SamuelAt

                                            Except coming to your hosted party with an hors d'oeuvre and a bottle of wine and being "funny at times" doesn't give her the right to take over your party. So perhaps you and others needs to speak with this close friend and ask her to back off.

                                            Either that, or accept her as she is, go with the flow and don't complain when your party ends up not being what you had hoped it would be.

                                            1. re: LindaWhit

                                              Well, I asked because people ended up having fun dancing, so it seemed like although I had not planned it, it may not have been a bad thing. And maybe even like she was just the injection of fun that made the night. I was caught off guard when she wanted to dance early on, and not happy about my world class Flan being ignored, but that said, a good time was had by all. Linda, thanks for your opinion, but I was not complaining, just posing a question.

                                              1. re: SamuelAt

                                                " And maybe even like she was just the injection of fun that made the night."

                                                This is what I thought. Perhaps it was a boring party and she saved it. I mean if 'flan' was the highlight....sounds like she did you a favor.

                                                1. re: thegforceny

                                                  Well, don't get me wrong. The flan was amazing if I do say so myself, but we weren't sitting around talking about fertilizer. It was a fun night - this was just a shift. :-)

                                                2. re: SamuelAt

                                                  You got lucky.

                                                  It could have just as easily ended the party, as the conversation died and had no one joined her dancing, I'm guessing the excuses about needing to get home would have started to fly shortly thereafter.

                                                  She's an ass and wouldn't be welcome at my house.

                                                  1. re: sunshine842

                                                    Yes it was a close call at one point.

                                        2. Agree with everyone else.

                                          Just wanted to add I have friends who host dinner parties often, and every now and then the female of the couple is in one of her "moods" and will turn on the stereo REALLY loud so that nobody can talk. We are all forced to sit in silence and listen to her crappy music and I find it almost unbearable.

                                          Sounds like people were dancing at your party though, so maybe it wasn't so bad. I'd forget about it and either not invite Roz over anymore, or say something next time. Or just change the station back. Unless she's immature as a 2 year old, she should take a hint.

                                          1. "Roz" was rude. Plain and simple. She should have taken the hint when others said they preferred what was playing.

                                            And you and everyone else should have spoken up when she changed the music.

                                            ETA: And perhaps stop inviting "Roz" to your parties and gatherings, as I've read further to see she's a continual disruption when dining out as well.

                                            1. SamuelAt, you and Jim should stop eating with Roz. Either that or stop complaining about her.

                                              2 Replies
                                              1. re: Bkeats

                                                I would have told 'Roz' to piss off out of my house/mylife permanently.
                                                I suspect we'll be reading another of your threads about 'Roz' though.
                                                Not playing anymore.

                                                1. re: Puffin3

                                                  OK - sure, guess this means you side with "the host decides". No need to comment further.

                                              2. It makes me think of American Beauty. The mother plays Lawrence Welk music during dinner and tells the daughter if she wants to cook dinner, she can choose the music.

                                                1. It is certainly rude for a guest to interfere in any aspect of the host's choice of entertainment. If I were the host I would have just turned it off and resisted the urge to throw the guest out. I certainly wouldn't invite him back.

                                                  1. I can't say what Roz is, or what you should have done to her without getting the banhammer so I'll just leave it at that...

                                                    1. Not to be rude to you SamuelAt, but after reading all the various posts you have done in this and other threads, I think you need to grow a spine and put a stop to the behavior if you are going to continue to invite "Roz & Jim". Especially if it is in your own home. Hope to see some future positive results with your "friends".

                                                      5 Replies
                                                      1. re: boyzoma

                                                        Btw, many of the guests probably agree (this is the stuff of the guest's conversation when they return home...) and are hoping someone will finally stop enabling this behavior.

                                                        1. re: Karl S

                                                          "Roz" and "Jim" are my friends, who can say their friends are perfect? Or act socially acceptably at all times?

                                                          1. re: SamuelAt

                                                            People might think Roz is funny. She is not always funny. She seems to have a problem with food. My question is, does Roz have a problem with food? Is it possible her 'jokes' are some sort of defense mechanism?

                                                            By the way, if she had not insulted you about your food and had suggested dancing AFTER dessert, than it might have been a good thing for your dinner party.

                                                            If Roz is just a self-absorbed ass, then maybe you could meet privately with Jim and Roz and ask her to please refrain from the personal attacks. (Of course Roz seems like the kind of person to say in a loud voice at the next gathering what a wimp you are and you can't take a joke.)

                                                            1. re: John E.

                                                              Roz eats enthusiastically and is a cook in her own right - her parties always feature home cooked food. Usually it's homey favorites vs. trendy or gourmet. No food issues I have seen - maybe an attitude issue :-)

                                                            2. re: SamuelAt

                                                              friends don't belittle each other, whine about others' choices at restaurants, and take over someone else's dinner party.

                                                              so far I haven't seen that Jim has done anything to mark him off the friend list -- but I similarly don't see much that justifies keeping Roz *on* the friend list.

                                                            1. re: beevod

                                                              Sma-oo-kin. But a little heavy with the makeup.

                                                            2. People dancing was a bad thing?

                                                              1. SamuelAt, yes, Roz was out of line. Happily, it worked out just fine on the entertainment side of things.
                                                                Now, not to sound mean, is the fact that you didn't get kudos for the flan the part that bothers you? If they ate the flan, but were too distracted to crow about your amazing dessert, is it your ego that's got its nose a little out of joint?

                                                                That, my friend, is easy enough to deal with. Make another batch of flan, and eat it all yourself. That will satisfy your pride in your dish, and you'll enjoy every spoonful.

                                                                PS. Can I have the recipe? :-P

                                                                4 Replies
                                                                1. re: kitchengardengal

                                                                  kitchengardengal, you might want to read some of Samuel's past posts.

                                                                  Roz is, um, a memorable personality...not always in a good way.

                                                                  1. re: sunshine842

                                                                    Sunshine, I do remember Roz! She's quite the package, it seems.
                                                                    Thank goodness the other guests went along with her nonsense - it sounds like they had a good time after an awkward bump or two.

                                                                    What does one do with a woman like Roz? Her boyfriend likes her enough to put up with her rude ways, but nobody else need feel obligated to do so. I suppose the solution is to invite Roz when you're feeling adventurous, and just wait and see what she comes up with next, or if you know you want the evening to flow a certain way, leave her and her boyfriend (sorry!) off the guest list.

                                                                  2. re: kitchengardengal

                                                                    LOL, yes, I had some left! The flan was eaten and complimented, but I would rather it is enjoyed than collect kudos. This is the recipe. I added a touch of cinnamon too, and upped the vanilla:

                                                                    http://allrecipes.com/recipe/spanish-...

                                                                    1. re: SamuelAt

                                                                      Thanks for the link. I think that will be my treat to myself this long weekend!

                                                                  3. If dinner is at my house, then I decide who comes, where they sit, what they eat, etc. I also decide if there will be music - there won't be.

                                                                    But there will be great conversation that will be enjoyed by guests - folk unlikely to enjoy great conversation are equally unlikely to be on the invitation list.

                                                                    1. If the majority wanted one thing, why was Roz the one who called the shots? Call someone out on their pouting, don't cater to it.

                                                                      1. Ritz is rude. We'd no longer be friends!!

                                                                        1. Is this "Roz" are real person? How have I gone through life without meeting someone like her (or the "stars" of some other Rude Guest threads)? I don't live a sheltered life, so that can't be it.

                                                                          1 Reply
                                                                          1. re: nofunlatte

                                                                            Yes, the Rozs are real. I have one in my life but she is no longer invited into my house .Not for a meal not even for a drink. I got to the point where I just couldn't deal with a 50-odd-year-old toddler. As entertaining as she was, the endless disruption and narcissism just wasn't worth it.

                                                                            1. re: grampart

                                                                              LOL, yes, that would be more along the lines of what I would play!