HOME > Chowhound > Not About Food >

Discussion

My sis won't ever cook for Holidays.

LOCKED DISCUSSION

My sister has never hosted a dinner party or even a lunch party or breakfast party..ever!!. I usually host Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners(and this year, I hosted my first seder meal, I am Catholic and my husband's side is Kosher)and my mom does other big and small family meals like birthdays.
I guess this is more of a vent than anything but how do I make my sister host a thanksgiving dinner this year? It's about time! She said she is not interested in cooking and she doesn't like the preparing, cooking and cleaning up. She simply won't do it. I don't think it's fair to me and to my mom. Maybe I won't invite her family this year. ha.

  1. Well a discussion of fairness is certainly appropriate. (assuming she is capable of hosting such an event i.e. not living in a studio apartment)

    After explaining the fairness issue still volunteer to be extremely helpful with the menu items. If she's not use to or a good cook it can be very daunting, so still offer to make and bring a variety of items to help her get over her fears.

    Good luck.

    1. I don't think you can "make" her host. You can ask her to host. Perhaps just providing the space and ordering out is all she is comfortable doing and that is ok.

      1. The funniest part is...she used to be a pastry chef..wahhahaha...and she won't even bake for hoildays!
        Her husband is a chef de cuisine at a hotel and usually works on big holidays..so maybe she doesn't get in the mood.
        they have a house with a capable kitchen so space isn't a problem. I asked her to host but she said she won't...that's her exact words.

        8 Replies
        1. re: Monica

          Could it be that she is resentful that her husband has to work on Thanksgiving so she just deals with it by basically shutting down and doing nothing? Then again, you mention that she doesn't host anything, ever, so maybe that's not it.

          How many people will be at Thanksgiving, assuming somebody will end up hosting? If the number is manageable, why not go out on Thanksgiving, maybe to the hotel dining room where her husband is working?

          1. re: Monica

            Honestly, I don't see why you are making a big fuss. Maybe people who make their living cooking for people all day every (which is long, hard, grueling work) don't want to have to do it in what little free time they have, especially when they have to work holidays? Maybe they get burned out on it? Maybe it's just something they don't enjoy doing? And why is that some horrible character flaw? Different people like different things.

            I am naturally introverted and while I can be social, it's something that drains me. Extroverts derive their energy from being around people, but it zaps mine completely away and I need time to recuperate afterwards. It doesn't mean I don't enjoy the socialization, but it's very draining. Add cooking and cleaning on top of it, plus having a job requiring long hard hours? No thanks. I'm a grown up with a very well defined sense of self. I know that it is not how I prefer to spend my time and I get to choose that for myself. It's the perk of being a grownup, along with buying booze and getting to eat ice cream for breakfast if I darn well please.

            The holidays are not a time of obligation. It's a time of being thankful, enjoying time spent with my friends and family, and relaxing. Some people enjoy being the hosts and some people don't. If no one in the group enjoys being the host, then we find an alternate method - restaurants, or getting together after our own meals just for dessert, or not doing anything on the day of and get together for a movie night the next day. There is no law that says you have to have a big gathering cooking enough food for leftovers for everyone. If that's your fantasy and why you feel obligated to do it, so be it, but you don't get to be mad at other people for not having the same fantasy. Instead of focusing on what other people are or aren't doing, spend more time getting to the root of why you are letting it bother you so much. "It isn't fair" doesn't cut it - it's petulant and you're presumably old enough to realize by now that life isn't fair. If you're resentful because you don't like being the host, but feel obligated and feel like you can't say no because she already has, then explore other options for your gatherings.

                1. re: OhioHound

                  Totally agree, just couldn't think how to say it as well.

                  1. re: amishangst

                    So if you don't mind let me ask you a few questions regarding your very well thought out and explained response.

                    As a self proclaimed "natural introvert" did writing that take any toll on you, or is it just in person, physical interaction with people that "zaps" you. It's obvious in your writing that you are somewhat passionate about the topic, so I was wondering if expressing that passion as clearly as you did was stressing to you knowing dozens or hundreds of people would be reading this and possibly responding.

                    I can completely understand where you are coming from, as an "extreme" extrovert myself I LOVE entertaining and I find it extremely invigorating to serve and entertain people, so I can completely relate to your polar opposite position.

                    Thank you for sharing.

                    **Edit.....oh I can't let your handle go without asking Amish-angst.....please share that story!! lol

                    1. re: jrvedivici

                      Speaking only for myself, the net is easy because I can close the browser anytime I want, or choose to not return to a topic. Once people are in my house it's not so easy or graceful get to them to shut up or leave. And my sister has never hosted TG, but I've hosted it countless times. But the difference is that I like cooking and I'm going to be cooking for my family anyway. The only way I'd eat TG in a restaurant was if I was on vacation at the time.

                2. i'd tell her that you are taking mom out for dinner on thanksgiving.

                  ~~~~~~
                  oooh, she doesn't like cleaning up? well, everyone else just adores it.

                  and she doesn't like preparing or cooking, but i'll bet she doesn't mind eating!

                  how long has she been a self-centered taker?

                  1 Reply
                  1. re: alkapal

                    alkapal sounds like she is speaking about my sister!

                  2. You don't make anybody do anything. Host or don't host.