HOME > Chowhound > Not About Food >

Discussion

Food jokes - list

Let's start

New wife: The best things I cook are meat loaf and peach cobbler.
Her husband : Which is this?

  1. Click to Upload a photo (10 MB limit)
Delete
  1. Bacon and eggs walk into a bar
    Bartender looks them over and says "Hey you two get the heck outta here!!"
    Stunned by this greeting bacon and eggs pause and bacon says "Why what's the matter?"
    Bartender looks back and responds "We don't serve breakfast in here!!"

    2 Replies
    1. re: jrvedivici

      Little while later a mushroom walks in and orders a beer.
      Bartender looks him over and says "Hey get the heck outta here!!"
      Stunned by this greeting, mushroom says "Why what's the matter?"
      Bartender looks back and responds "We don't serve food in here!!"
      So the mushroom says, "But I'm a fungi!"

      1. re: porker

        Meanwhile, Chantarelle and Portobello are scoping out the place through the window, deciding if they should come in. Chantarelle asks, "Do you see any open tables?"
        Portobello replies, "No, there isn't mush-room."

    2. Q: What do cats call mice on little teeny tiny rollerskates?
      A: Meals on Wheels.

      1. The Amorous, Persistent Melon Gets Turned Down by his Girl

        "I cantaloupe with you."
        "Oh, honeydew!"

        1 Reply
        1. re: pinehurst

          Did the rejection make him meloncholy?

          I think there was a song "in the old days" spoofing "Come To Me My Melancholy Baby" and was a tribute to this branch of the cucurbita family.

        2. Guy pulls up to a farm and is greeted by a 3 legged pig. He asks the farmer what happened to the pig. Farmer says there was a fire in the house awhile back, pig came in, woke everyone up and saved the family.
          "Thats how he lost a leg?"
          "No. But I'll tell you, another time I was huntin and the pig followed along. Bear came out and attacked me. That there pig run the bear off. If it weren't for him, surely I'd be a goner"
          "So thats how he lost a leg, the bear?"
          "No..."
          "Well howd he lose it?"
          "I tell ya, a pig that good, you don't eat all at once!"

          2 Replies
          1. re: porker

            This is one of my favorite jokes. An actor of my acquaintance tells it, and it's a good bit longer, but done in such high style and with such fine accents that it's a scream. He states the last line very matter of factly: "Well, hell, a pig that great you wouldn't wanna eat all at once't."

            1. re: porker

              So sad! I need to stop watching that damn Chipotle ad. I am seriously contemplating swearing off meat.

            2. Arranged marriages, the first date.
              The boy: Do you think that you will learn to love me ?
              The girl: I don't see why not. I learned to like spinach.

              1. I went to my favourite Indian restaurant yesterday and had trouble choosing what to eat. The waiter suggested chicken Tarka.
                What's that I asked. Well he said it's like chicken tikka but it's a little otter.

                1. Husband: What's for dinner tonight?
                  Wife: Chicken Napoleon
                  Husband: What's Chicken Napoleon?
                  Wife: All the Boney-Parts

                  courtesy of my 8th grade history teacher. RIP.

                  1 Reply
                  1. Three couples are eating a feast when one man tries to impress the others with his eloquence. He turns to his wie and says
                    "Pass the sugar, my sweet."
                    Second man does not want to be outdone; he turns to his wife and says
                    "Pass the gnocci, my litle dumpling."
                    Third man breaks out in a sweat as he too does not want to be outdone. Stammering, he turns to his wife and says
                    "Pass the pork you pig."

                    1. I may have read this on another thread, but it's become one of my favorites:

                      Four men in their 40s are picking a restaurant for dinner. They pick the German place because they like waitresses' cleavage in their costumes.

                      10 years pass. The same four men, now in their 50s, are picking a restaurant for dinner. They pick the German place because they like the wine list.

                      10 years pass. The same four men, now in their 60s, are picking a restaurant for dinner. They pick the German place because it's quiet on a weeknight and they won't be disturbed.

                      10 years pass. The same four men, now in their 70s, are picking a restaurant for dinner. They pick the German place because there's a good early-bird menu.

                      10 years pass. The same four men, now in their 80s, are picking a restaurant for dinner. They pick the German place because they've never been there before.

                      8 Replies
                        1. re: WNYamateur

                          10 years pass. The same four men, now in their 90s, are picking a restaurant for dinner. They pick the German place because they like the waitresses' cleavage in their costumes.

                            1. re: WNYamateur

                              I sent my mother-in-law the female version of this joke the year she turned 80. Her two-word reply

                              NOT FUNNY

                              I'm hoping it was a joke because she has all her marbles, plus more that most folks don't have.

                              1. re: WNYamateur

                                I sent my beloved mother-in-law tha joke after she turned 80- her reply was

                                NOT FUNNY

                                1. re: EWSflash

                                  That is one, long, slow stutter you have there.

                                  1. re: ricepad

                                    Took a minute, but that is hilarious ricepad!

                                2. And we can never forget the ever popular (and very old) one:
                                  Customer: Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
                                  Waiter: The backstroke, sir.

                                  1 Reply
                                  1. re: Jerzeegirl

                                    In Mel Brooks' "Silent Movie" there's a moment when an exterminating truck rounds a corner and the giant fly on top tears off, sails to the sidewalk, and lands in the soup at a nearby outdoor café. The diner is Henny Youngman, who beckons and says only [via title card], "Oh waiter......}

                                  2. And Miss Piggy's sage advice...."Never eat more than you can lift."

                                    18 Replies
                                    1. re: amazinc

                                      You've reminded me of the inimitable B. Kliban's "Never Eat Anything Bigger Than Your Head." If we can extend the jokes to the visual medium, Kliban made a lot of wonderful cartoons with food themes.

                                        1. re: gingershelley

                                          Our family's favorite (and, I suppose, a riff off VV's OP) is "How to tell a cat from a meatloaf."

                                          An aside: my husband practically worships B. Kliban, and that was *click* number one on our first date. I subsequently made him a meatloaf dinner. A B. Kliban meatloaf. He asked me to marry him on the spot. (I made him ask a few more times, honestly, as I didn't want to think that it was just a meatloaf with ears and a tail that did it.) And yes, when a meatloaf gets made around here, it typically has ears. Ah, I feel a meatloaf coming on...

                                           
                                          1. re: gingershelley

                                            The cat blues singer, singing-

                                            "Love to eat them mousies
                                            Mousies what I love to eat
                                            Bite they little heads off,
                                            Nibble on they tiny feet"

                                            1. re: EWSflash

                                              I gave a friend a poster of that one, to celebrate her divorce; her ex had recently become a vegetarian, and my friend was a dedicated omnivore.

                                            2. re: gingershelley

                                              And of course that longtime Chinese restaurant favorite, Kitten Chow Mein...

                                               
                                                  1. re: LotusRapper

                                                    Getting a prompt that link is forbidden. Could you post the image?

                                                      1. re: LotusRapper

                                                        Next cookie, courtesy of the management...

                                                         
                                            3. re: cayjohan

                                              Is he still out there publishing? I don't haunt the card shops like I used to, but i've always loved him

                                              1. re: EWSflash

                                                Kliban died in 1990; it appears that most of his books are out of print. I've got most of them - what treasures they are! It's a rare day around here that someone doesn't find a place to slip in a Kliban-of-the-Day. Ordering in a restaurant always makes me think of this one:

                                                ETA: can't seem to load photo; retrying.

                                                1. re: cayjohan

                                                  Won't seem to work. The text is:

                                                  "I'll have the gazpacho, leeks vinaigrette,marinated zucchini, orange mousse, a bottle of Côtes du Rhône Rouge '59, and bring some shit for my fly."

                                                   
                                                  1. re: cayjohan

                                                    Off topic, but one of my all-time Kliban favorites is the drawing of "Freud's first slip"

                                                  2. re: EWSflash

                                                    With a bit of patience his books aren't too hard to find online (Amazon, eBay, AbeBooks, &c) or at bricks & mortar stores. Just like tracking down good places to eat, part of the fun's in the search, or so I tell myself, til it drags on too long...

                                                    Cheers!

                                                  3. re: cayjohan

                                                    I Would LIke Some Spa Ghe Ti And Pork Please.

                                                  1. re: Gastronomos

                                                    WTH is pasteurized process topping?
                                                    Are they marketing this as food or some sort of DIY product?

                                                      1. re: Gastronomos

                                                        I was reading a food service magazine that I'd fund. There was an ad for something like this, the subtitle said (I can see it to this day)- "Colorful shreds add the appearance of cheese to your salad bar"

                                                      2. New Yorker cartoon.

                                                        Etched on the glass door at a university office:

                                                        Department of Foreign Languages
                                                        French
                                                        Russian
                                                        Italian
                                                        Creamy Italian

                                                        1 Reply
                                                        1. re: Steve

                                                          "I don't think America will have really made it until we have our own salad dressing. Until then we're stuck behind the French, Italians, Russians and Caesarians."

                                                          - Pat McNelis

                                                        2. Two muffins are baking in an oven.

                                                          One of the muffins says, "Man, is it hot in here."

                                                          The other muffin says, "Holy Moly!! A talking muffin!"

                                                          1. My favorite is the classic from the film "When Harry Met Sally".

                                                            Sally and Harry are dining at Katz's Delicatessan on the lower east side of NYC when Sally (Meg Ryan) very loudly and with much drama spends about 5 minutes faking an orgasm. Immediately thereafter a much older woman sitting at an adjacent table places her order..."I'll have what she's having!".

                                                            See: http://m.youtube.com/watch?autoplay=1...

                                                            1 Reply
                                                            1. re: josephnl

                                                              Interesting bit of trivia- the older lady is played by Rob Reiner's mom.

                                                            2. Why is it you can pop corn but can't pee ( pea) soup?

                                                              3 Replies
                                                              1. re: Augieang

                                                                Kind of along the lines of: Why do we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway?

                                                                1. re: boyzoma

                                                                  Which has nothing to do with the question
                                                                  "why is there an interstate highway in Hawaii?"

                                                                  1. re: porker

                                                                    Or the airline that advertised "All our flights from California to Hawaii are now nonstop." I definitely wouldn't have wanted to be on a flight that landed somewhere in between!

                                                              2. What did the baby chick say to the mama hen when she was trying to hatch an orange? "Look at the orange marmalade." Get it? Teehee.

                                                                1 Reply
                                                                1. Q: What's green and invisible?

                                                                  A: This cabbage.

                                                                  (Hold out empty hand)

                                                                  4 Replies
                                                                  1. re: Robin Joy

                                                                    My kids always loved: " What's invisible and smells like carrots?" Answer: "Bunny breath."

                                                                    Their favored answer, of course, was "bunny farts," but after far too many fart jokes to count, I convinced them to branch out.

                                                                    1. re: cayjohan

                                                                      Can you really have too many fart jokes?

                                                                      1. re: cayjohan

                                                                        What did one snowman say to the other?

                                                                        You're right- I smell carrots too!

                                                                    2. Wife: I want to go someplace I've never been before.
                                                                      Husband: How about the kitchen?

                                                                      1. What do computers eat for snacks? Micro-chips.

                                                                        1. What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?

                                                                          He got a little behind in his work!

                                                                          1 Reply
                                                                          1. Q: What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator?

                                                                            A: Close the door. Don't you know I'm dressing?!

                                                                            6 Replies
                                                                            1. re: cookingschool

                                                                              Actually saw this one on here just recently. Gave me a chuckle.

                                                                              Q: how can you tell when one of your guests is a vegan?
                                                                              A: don't worry, they'll let you know!

                                                                                1. re: cronker

                                                                                  Subtle and in-your-face at the same time.
                                                                                  Likey!

                                                                                  1. re: cronker

                                                                                    Vegans, the Hezbollah of vegetarians!

                                                                                    1. re: Motosport

                                                                                      I once had a vegan drop in unexpectedly for Thanksgiving after we had already begun eating.

                                                                                      I leapt up and steamed some veggies quickly, and offered him some of the baguette that I happened to have - you know, baguette = no dairy or eggs.

                                                                                      He said, "What's baguette?"

                                                                                  2. Two peanuts were walking through Central Park at night. One was a salted.

                                                                                    1. Two coworkers-

                                                                                      1st coworker asks the other "What's the difference between sex and a chicken salad sandwich?"

                                                                                      2nd replies " I don't know."

                                                                                      1st coworker says "Are you available for lunch on Friday?"

                                                                                      1 Reply
                                                                                      1. re: Clams047

                                                                                        That joke is funny no matter how many times you hear it.

                                                                                      2. Why do most fish live in salt water?
                                                                                        Because they are allergic to pepper.

                                                                                        1. Why are cornfields good listeners?
                                                                                          They're all ears.

                                                                                          1. A farmer was walking in the pumpkin patch when he saw one lonely green pumpkin. He asked the pumpkin "why orange you orange?"

                                                                                            1. What did the hot dog say when he won the contest?
                                                                                              I'm the weiner!

                                                                                              1. Why did the french chef serve only one single egg?

                                                                                                Because one egg is "un oeuf".

                                                                                                1 Reply
                                                                                                1. re: seamunky

                                                                                                  Or:

                                                                                                  Why do Englishmen eat two eggs for breakfast but the French eat only one?

                                                                                                  Because in France, one egg is un oeuf.

                                                                                                2. A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar…tender here?”

                                                                                                  1. This will be a bit long.

                                                                                                    A tourist in Spain goes to a restaurant and asks for the specialty of the house. The waiter brings a plate on which there are two large meaty balls covered with a wonderful sauce.

                                                                                                    The tourist finishes the dish and calls the waiter over. He tells the waiter that the dish was one of the best things he has eaten and wanted to know what it was.

                                                                                                    The waiter say "cojones."

                                                                                                    The tourist asks "What's that?"

                                                                                                    "Bull testicles" the waiter replies.

                                                                                                    At first the tourist is shocked, but on reflection, recalling how wonderful the dish was he gets over his shock.

                                                                                                    So the next day the tourist returns to the restaurant and proclaims that he will have the cojones again.

                                                                                                    When the dish comes this time, instead of two large meaty balls, there are two much smaller shriveled balls on the plate. The tourist is a bit puzzled. He eats the dish and calls the waiter over when he's done.

                                                                                                    He asks the waiter "Yesterday when I came and had the cojones, they were big and meaty. Today they're much smaller and scrawny. What happened?"

                                                                                                    The waiter shrugs and says "The bull doesn't always lose."

                                                                                                    1 Reply
                                                                                                    1. re: Bkeats

                                                                                                      Interestingly, I heard the punch line as

                                                                                                      The waiter shrugs and says "The matador doesn't always win."

                                                                                                      Somewhat related to food&drink....
                                                                                                      A seal walks into a bar.
                                                                                                      Bartender asks "what'll you have?"
                                                                                                      The seal replies "Anything but Canadian Club."

                                                                                                    2. How can you tell when an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
                                                                                                      You can find his footprints in the butter...

                                                                                                      Why are chefs so cruel?
                                                                                                      Because they beat their eggs and whip their cream

                                                                                                      For a 9 yo boy, those were hysterical....

                                                                                                      3 Replies
                                                                                                      1. re: mwk

                                                                                                        ...whats green with red all over?
                                                                                                        a frog in a blender.

                                                                                                        1. re: mwk

                                                                                                          Correction:

                                                                                                          The footprints in the Peanut Butter.

                                                                                                          Next joke in series:

                                                                                                          How do you know if there is an elephant in back of you?

                                                                                                          You smell the peanut butter on his breath.

                                                                                                          How can you tell an elephant from a grape?

                                                                                                          Jump up and down on it. If it's a grape, it will make a little whine.

                                                                                                          How do you tell a an elephant from a blueberry?

                                                                                                          Elephants a grey and blueberries are blue.

                                                                                                          What did Jane say when she saw an elephant coming over a hill?

                                                                                                          "Here comes an elephant over a hill."

                                                                                                          What did Tarzan say when he saw an elephant coming over a hill?

                                                                                                          "Here comes a blueberry over a hill." (Tarzan was color blind.)

                                                                                                          What did Charles de Gaulle say when he saw an elephant coming over a hill?

                                                                                                          "Voila an elephant over a hill."

                                                                                                          What did the elephant say when he saw Charles de Gaulle come over a hill?

                                                                                                          Nothing. The elephant couldn't speak French.

                                                                                                          So endeth the elephant jokes.

                                                                                                          1. re: therealdoctorlew

                                                                                                            What did Jane say when she saw the elephant coming over the hill and it was wearing sunglasses?

                                                                                                            Nothing...she didn't recognize it.

                                                                                                        2. Why don't lobsters share their toys?

                                                                                                          They're shellfish.

                                                                                                          1. Some favorite food quotes:

                                                                                                            When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, "Four. I don’t think I could eat eight." - Yogi Berra

                                                                                                            "I cook with wine; sometimes I even add it to the food."
                                                                                                            - W.C. Fields

                                                                                                            "Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!"
                                                                                                            -- Tommy Smothers

                                                                                                            "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are."
                                                                                                            -- Matt Lauer

                                                                                                            "My doctor advised me to stop ordering intimate dinners for four unless there were three other people."
                                                                                                            -- Orson Welles

                                                                                                            "I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy!"
                                                                                                            -- Tommy Cooper

                                                                                                            "Nouvelle Cuisine, roughly translated, means: I can't believe I paid ninety-six dollars and I'm still hungry."
                                                                                                            -- Mike Kalin

                                                                                                            "The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
                                                                                                            -- Julia Child

                                                                                                            "Food is an important part of a balanced diet."
                                                                                                            -- Fran Lebowitz

                                                                                                            "If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?"
                                                                                                            -- Stephen Wright

                                                                                                            "Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat."
                                                                                                            - Jim Davis

                                                                                                            "We've got another word for sushi where I come from... We call it bait."
                                                                                                            -- Jeff Foxworthy

                                                                                                             
                                                                                                            1. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
                                                                                                              One turns to the other and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"

                                                                                                              1. Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

                                                                                                                Because it felt crumby.

                                                                                                                1. A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

                                                                                                                  Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

                                                                                                                  The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

                                                                                                                  Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

                                                                                                                  She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

                                                                                                                  He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

                                                                                                                  "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

                                                                                                                  He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh...

                                                                                                                  "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

                                                                                                                  6 Replies
                                                                                                                  1. re: boredough

                                                                                                                    i heard this as a Blonde joke - no less PC than an old lady, right?

                                                                                                                    1. re: WNYamateur

                                                                                                                      yes...they both work! You reminded me of a food-related video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wC6XR...

                                                                                                                    2. And another funny video that uses food to illustrate how 'porn sex is different than regular sex'

                                                                                                                      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q64hTN...

                                                                                                                      Actually very cute!

                                                                                                                      1. One Cannibal , picks up a zipper from a cauldron of soup he is stirring , and remarks to a fellow cannibal : there is a fly in my soup...

                                                                                                                        Englishman goes to french restaurant calls the waiter, points to a fly in doing backstrokes in his soup and says " Garcon, Le Mouche !'
                                                                                                                        The Garcon , looks down his haughty nose and says " No Monsieur , La Mouche "!
                                                                                                                        The Englishman says" Bloody good eyesight, I must say'.

                                                                                                                        1. Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

                                                                                                                          2 Replies
                                                                                                                          1. re: Robin Joy

                                                                                                                            This joke was even funnier when porker posted it on Oct 13, 2013

                                                                                                                            1. re: Steve

                                                                                                                              Apologies to Porker. Missed the post!

                                                                                                                          2. A quote from the late great Joan Rivers . " My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese ; most of it's missing , and what's there sinks . "

                                                                                                                            1. How do you steal a lot of money from foodies?

                                                                                                                              Start a ponzu scheme.

                                                                                                                              1. We were at NY's 2nd Ave Deli a few weeks ago and struck up conversation with a woman and her mother next to us.
                                                                                                                                Seeing kreplach on the menu, I told a joke I saw somewhere on television:

                                                                                                                                Old man is in upstairs bedroom, on his deathbed. Son comes in and man says "Son, is that your mother's kreplach I smell?"
                                                                                                                                "Yeah pops, it is."
                                                                                                                                "Well you know, kreplach is my FAVORITE. Can you go downstairs and get me a few?"
                                                                                                                                "OK, pops, be right back"
                                                                                                                                The son goes downstairs and returns awhile later. Old man asks "Wheres the kreplach?"
                                                                                                                                The son with his hands jammed in his pockets, shrugs and sheepishly says "Sorry pops, mom said they're all for the funeral..."

                                                                                                                                The daughter sitting next to us (late 40s) looks at me confused and with her accent a cross between Jackie Mason and Horseshack says "Is this funny, 'cause I don't get jokes."

                                                                                                                                1 Reply
                                                                                                                                1. re: porker

                                                                                                                                  Read the same joke here:

                                                                                                                                  http://www.amazon.com/Heidegger-Hippo...

                                                                                                                                  with a more subtle punchline: "Mom says they're for later".

                                                                                                                                2. While having a marvelous pastrami sammich at Junior's in Brooklyn I overheard a man at the next table commenting to his dinner mates. They were three couples and definitely not locals.
                                                                                                                                  The man had ordered the dinner special which came with salad and matzoh ball soup. Every one at his table was watching him move the matzoh ball around in the broth with his spoon and commenting with confusion. What is it???
                                                                                                                                  I turned and explained that it is a Jewish delicacy. "It's a matzoh ball. In Israel there is a cow like animal called a Matzoh!" For a moment they were stunned.

                                                                                                                                  1. An older man meets an older woman on a blind date. They start talking about past marriages and she tells him she's been widowed 3 times. He asks what happened to her previous husbands.
                                                                                                                                    She says the first one died eating poisonous mushrooms and he sympathizes with her and asks what happened to the second one so she tells his he also died eating poisonous mushrooms.
                                                                                                                                    Then he asks if the 3rd one also died eating poisonous mushrooms and she says 'No, he died from a blow to the head. He wouldn't eat the poisonous mushrooms".

                                                                                                                                    1 Reply
                                                                                                                                    1. re: smartie

                                                                                                                                      thank you. that sums up everything I know quite well.

                                                                                                                                    2. Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when all of the sudden the phone rings… Pavlov gasps, “Oh crap, I forgot to feed the dogs.”

                                                                                                                                      1. From Pulp Fiction:

                                                                                                                                        Three tomatoes are walking down the street -- a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and squishes him... and says, "Ketchup."

                                                                                                                                        1. My favorite, or maybe the only one I remember:

                                                                                                                                          An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
                                                                                                                                          The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly."
                                                                                                                                          The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
                                                                                                                                          The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
                                                                                                                                          You know.... The one that's red and has thorns."
                                                                                                                                          "Do you mean a rose?"
                                                                                                                                          "Yes, that's the one,'"replied the man. He turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

                                                                                                                                          1. I usually can't remember any jokes at all. That said, I do remember this one and apologize up front if I messed it up a bit:

                                                                                                                                            Three construction workers are eating lunch on a girder high above the city streets. One guy opens his lunch box and says "damn, if I get egg salad one more time, I'm going to jump!" The second guy opens his lunch box and says "damn, if I get tuna salad one more time, I'm going to jump!" The third guy opens his lunch box and says "damn, if I get peanut butter and jelly one more time, I'm going to jump!"

                                                                                                                                            Next day, first guy opens his lunch box and has roast beef and is happy. Second guy opens his lunch box and gets turkey and is happy. Third guy opens his lunch box and it's peanut butter and jelly. He jumps to his death.

                                                                                                                                            First guy shakes his head and tells the second guy "What the hell?? He packs his own lunch!"

                                                                                                                                            (Okay, so I murdered this, and if anyone can provide the real version I will try to commit it to memory.) :)

                                                                                                                                            1 Reply
                                                                                                                                            1. re: breadchick

                                                                                                                                              Give yourself a break - nothing wrong with this telling.

                                                                                                                                            2. I got this off another similar thread (I went through the replies above and did not see it...)

                                                                                                                                              A Zen master goes to a hot dog cart and says "I'll have one with everything."

                                                                                                                                              12 Replies
                                                                                                                                              1. re: porker

                                                                                                                                                The master pays for the hot dog with a twenty dollar bill. Meanwhile, the vendor goes on to serve another customer.
                                                                                                                                                "Hey what about my change?"
                                                                                                                                                "Change comes from within."

                                                                                                                                                1. re: porker

                                                                                                                                                  The version I've heard is he says, "Make me one with everything."

                                                                                                                                                  1. re: 4X4

                                                                                                                                                    Thanks, that makes much more sense :)

                                                                                                                                                    1. re: 4X4

                                                                                                                                                      Thanks, that makes me quite the dork :)

                                                                                                                                                      1. re: porker

                                                                                                                                                        ...while your screen name makes you quite the pork :)

                                                                                                                                                        But, hey, pork is one of my favorite foods.

                                                                                                                                                    2. re: porker

                                                                                                                                                      Reminds me of this one (which is more drink than food-related, but I think is still appropriate for this discussion):

                                                                                                                                                      Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender walks up to him and says, “Would you care for a drink?”

                                                                                                                                                      Descartes replies, “I think not.” and disappears.

                                                                                                                                                      1. re: 4X4

                                                                                                                                                        A priest, a rabbi, and a deacon walk into a bar.

                                                                                                                                                        The bartender says "What is this, a joke?"

                                                                                                                                                          1. re: porker

                                                                                                                                                            A baby seal walks into a bar and the barkeep asks him, "what'll you have?"

                                                                                                                                                            And the seal says, "anything but a Canadian Club."

                                                                                                                                                            1. re: porker

                                                                                                                                                              "That's NOT funny!" said the feminist.

                                                                                                                                                        1. From a Laffy Taffy label:

                                                                                                                                                          How do you make an orange laugh?

                                                                                                                                                          Tickle its navel.

                                                                                                                                                          1. Think I heard on The Daily Show last week:

                                                                                                                                                            Son says to his dad, "Dad, what does Champagne taste like?"

                                                                                                                                                            Dad responds, "Son, I don't know, I'm a Dodgers fan."

                                                                                                                                                            1. Food related (I guess...)

                                                                                                                                                              Newlywed young woman is speaking to her mother and has some questions about sex. She brings up the subject, but the mother gets a bit uncomfortable about the language
                                                                                                                                                              "We can talk about it, but let's not use the word 'sex'. Between you and me, lets use the word 'eggs' instead"
                                                                                                                                                              "OK mom, its just that Chester wants eggs every day, sometimes twice a day."
                                                                                                                                                              "Well, young men are just like that, they pretty much want eggs all the time."
                                                                                                                                                              They chuckle and speak a bit more.

                                                                                                                                                              A couple of weeks later, the mother and daughter are together again and the mother asks how things are going with the eggs. The daughter replies "nevermind the eggs, Chester now wants to lick the frying pan!"

                                                                                                                                                              4 Replies
                                                                                                                                                                1. re: porker

                                                                                                                                                                  I understood you, porker -good one.
                                                                                                                                                                  And it reminds me of a great 'New Yorker' cartoon that, despite some effort, I couldn't unearth to show here.

                                                                                                                                                                  A chicken and an egg are lying in bed together, clearly post coitus. One of them (it's not clear which!) says:
                                                                                                                                                                  "Well, that solves that question."

                                                                                                                                                                  1. re: Phil Ogelos

                                                                                                                                                                    I'm thinking jr understands very well, perhaps licking a frying pan or two himself, hehe.

                                                                                                                                                                    When mentioning chicken and egg, I thought you were going for this one (caption kinda hard to read: "Fuck Pete, is that you???")

                                                                                                                                                                     
                                                                                                                                                                    1. re: porker

                                                                                                                                                                      Paul Simon already plowed that furrow, porker, and then planted a catchy tune in it.

                                                                                                                                                                2. How to make a white zinfandel martini:

                                                                                                                                                                  Half fill a wine glass with white zinfandel. Take a martini glass and pour in a splash of vermouth. Pour out the vermouth and fill the glass with gin. Add an olive. Pour the white zinfandel into the sink and drink the martini.

                                                                                                                                                                  2 Replies
                                                                                                                                                                  1. re: therealdoctorlew

                                                                                                                                                                    That sounds like an extra dry white zinfandel martini.

                                                                                                                                                                    The problem most people have is they think any zinfandel plonk will do.
                                                                                                                                                                    WRONG
                                                                                                                                                                    You gotta start with a good quality wine for this drink to work. Maybe stay away from the box stuff and wow them with something like Sutter Home.

                                                                                                                                                                  2. Did you hear about that new restaurant on the moon?

                                                                                                                                                                    The food's great, but it has no atmosphere.

                                                                                                                                                                    21 Replies
                                                                                                                                                                    1. re: 4X4

                                                                                                                                                                      really? i heard the food wasn't just great, it was out of this world.

                                                                                                                                                                      1. re: chartreauxx

                                                                                                                                                                        In addition to being tasty, I heard everything seems lighter in some way.

                                                                                                                                                                        1. re: porker

                                                                                                                                                                          i hear they have quite a strict dress code, though; you have to wear a pretty fancy suit.

                                                                                                                                                                          1. re: chartreauxx

                                                                                                                                                                            They'll gladly freeze dry any leftovers for your rover.

                                                                                                                                                                            1. re: porker

                                                                                                                                                                              when i called asking about a reservation, they told me it could be years.

                                                                                                                                                                              1. re: porker

                                                                                                                                                                                I did a quick search but we all know how good the Chow search function is.....but I thought I remembered a review from Neil Armstrong regarding his first meal here.....if memory serves me correctly his review went something like;

                                                                                                                                                                                "This is one small bite for man, one giant meal for mankind"

                                                                                                                                                                                  1. re: chartreauxx

                                                                                                                                                                                    It's only a rumor, but I heard the kitchen is run by aliens.

                                                                                                                                                                                      1. re: chartreauxx

                                                                                                                                                                                        Me, I'm quite skeptical on this, but my brother (who is into conspiracy theories) insists this restaurant has a dark side.

                                                                                                                                                                                        1. re: porker

                                                                                                                                                                                          even their glowing public image waxes and wanes.

                                                                                                                                                                                          1. re: chartreauxx

                                                                                                                                                                                            He's not around anymore, but when Dino was chef, the house specialty was A Big Pizza Pie. From what I heard, they had access to plenty of cheese.

                                                                                                                                                                                            1. re: porker

                                                                                                                                                                                              i heard he got fired for hitting someone in the eye.

                                                                                                                                                                                              1. re: chartreauxx

                                                                                                                                                                                                Someone DID get hit in the eye, but I,m not sure that's why he was fired.
                                                                                                                                                                                                I heard a couple things: his dogs kept barking at the joint, some said he always claimed they were full when they weren't, others simply said he was a lunatic. I even heard one rumour that he slaughtered a jumping cow.

                                                                                                                                                                                                  1. re: chartreauxx

                                                                                                                                                                                                    I liked his house wine. That's amorane. Amorane! if a good year.

                                                                                                                                                                                                    1. re: Vinnie Vidimangi

                                                                                                                                                                                                      I was hoping he'd encourage the local economy, but no, all his wines are imported. The house wine is good, no doubt about it, but may I suggest his private import? Its stellar and eclipses all others.
                                                                                                                                                                                                      We'd go more often, but mrs. porker is firm on only once a month.

                                                                                                                                                                                                      1. re: porker

                                                                                                                                                                                                        yknow, with the pull that restaurant has i understand the desire, but your wife is right - some things come but once in a blue moon.

                                                                                                                                                                                                        1. re: chartreauxx

                                                                                                                                                                                                          Has he opened another location? Maybe even franchised?

                                                                                                                                                                                                          1. re: Vinnie Vidimangi

                                                                                                                                                                                                            I wouldn't be surprised...besides Neil Armstrong mentioned above, he had quite a few celebrities swooning
                                                                                                                                                                                                            Roger Moore did some gardening there.
                                                                                                                                                                                                            Frank Zappa was so enthralled he named his daughter after the joint.
                                                                                                                                                                                                            About 16 years ago, Martin Landau and Barbara Bain used to summer there.
                                                                                                                                                                                                            Sting wrote a song about walking in the vicinity.
                                                                                                                                                                                                            Henry Mancini wrote a song about a nearby stream - it was recorded by the likes of Andy Williams and Frank Sinatra.

                                                                                                                                                                                                            Lotsa naysayers said the restaurant was simply a phase. I'm glad the chef keeps things current and remains calm...like a sea of tranquility, that man.

                                                                                                                                                                                                            1. re: porker

                                                                                                                                                                                                              The Andy Kaufman Bio-Film was named for the Chef, Andy was apparently a big fan.

                                                                                                                                                                      2. Joe was beginning to think his wife was getting hard of hearing so he did a test.
                                                                                                                                                                        He stood 20' behind her and in a normal voice asked "Honey, what's for dinner?"
                                                                                                                                                                        No response
                                                                                                                                                                        Again at 10'
                                                                                                                                                                        No response
                                                                                                                                                                        Again at 5'
                                                                                                                                                                        No response
                                                                                                                                                                        Right behind her ear......
                                                                                                                                                                        Wife turns and says "Joe, for the fourth time, CHICKEN!"

                                                                                                                                                                        1 Reply
                                                                                                                                                                        1. A Frenchman, German man, Scotsman, Italian man, Brazilian, American, Japanese, Indian, Kenyan, Englishman, Irishman, Chinese man, Welshman, Icelandic man, Australian and a Belgian man walk into a bar.

                                                                                                                                                                          The barman says: 'Sorry gents, you know you can't come in here without a Thai'.

                                                                                                                                                                          1. A man was on trial for killing and eating a Bald Eagle, an endangered species:
                                                                                                                                                                            Judge: "How do you plead?"
                                                                                                                                                                            Man: "Not Guilty. I was lost in the woods and was starving. I came across the Eagle which was already dead, so I cooked it and ate it to save my life."
                                                                                                                                                                            Judge: "I pronounce you not guilty! By the way, what does an Eagle taste like?"
                                                                                                                                                                            Man: "A lot like a Spotted Owl, your honor."

                                                                                                                                                                            1. A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other.
                                                                                                                                                                              They finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called Yam.'
                                                                                                                                                                              Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
                                                                                                                                                                              When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
                                                                                                                                                                              They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato', and end up with a bunch of 'Tater Tots'
                                                                                                                                                                              Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
                                                                                                                                                                              But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
                                                                                                                                                                              She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.
                                                                                                                                                                              Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on the side of their trucks that say, Frito Lay.

                                                                                                                                                                              Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
                                                                                                                                                                              But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Howard Cosell.
                                                                                                                                                                              Howard Cosell! Mr. And Mrs. Potato were very upset.
                                                                                                                                                                              They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Howard Cosell, because he's just a common tater.


                                                                                                                                                                              1. A waiter with a bad cut on his hand was lying on a gurney in the emergency room at the local hospital. As a doctor passed him, he cried out,
                                                                                                                                                                                “Doctor, please help me, I’ve been lying here for three hours”.
                                                                                                                                                                                “I’m sorry” said the doctor,
                                                                                                                                                                                “That isn’t my table”