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New wife: The best things I cook are meat loaf and peach cobbler.
Her husband : Which is this?

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  1. Bacon and eggs walk into a bar
    Bartender looks them over and says "Hey you two get the heck outta here!!"
    Stunned by this greeting bacon and eggs pause and bacon says "Why what's the matter?"
    Bartender looks back and responds "We don't serve breakfast in here!!"

    2 Replies
    1. re: jrvedivici

      Little while later a mushroom walks in and orders a beer.
      Bartender looks him over and says "Hey get the heck outta here!!"
      Stunned by this greeting, mushroom says "Why what's the matter?"
      Bartender looks back and responds "We don't serve food in here!!"
      So the mushroom says, "But I'm a fungi!"

      1. re: porker

        Meanwhile, Chantarelle and Portobello are scoping out the place through the window, deciding if they should come in. Chantarelle asks, "Do you see any open tables?"
        Portobello replies, "No, there isn't mush-room."

    2. Q: What do cats call mice on little teeny tiny rollerskates?
      A: Meals on Wheels.

      1. The Amorous, Persistent Melon Gets Turned Down by his Girl

        "I cantaloupe with you."
        "Oh, honeydew!"

        1 Reply
        1. re: pinehurst

          Did the rejection make him meloncholy?

          I think there was a song "in the old days" spoofing "Come To Me My Melancholy Baby" and was a tribute to this branch of the cucurbita family.

        2. Guy pulls up to a farm and is greeted by a 3 legged pig. He asks the farmer what happened to the pig. Farmer says there was a fire in the house awhile back, pig came in, woke everyone up and saved the family.
          "Thats how he lost a leg?"
          "No. But I'll tell you, another time I was huntin and the pig followed along. Bear came out and attacked me. That there pig run the bear off. If it weren't for him, surely I'd be a goner"
          "So thats how he lost a leg, the bear?"
          "No..."
          "Well howd he lose it?"
          "I tell ya, a pig that good, you don't eat all at once!"

          2 Replies
          1. re: porker

            This is one of my favorite jokes. An actor of my acquaintance tells it, and it's a good bit longer, but done in such high style and with such fine accents that it's a scream. He states the last line very matter of factly: "Well, hell, a pig that great you wouldn't wanna eat all at once't."

            1. re: porker

              So sad! I need to stop watching that damn Chipotle ad. I am seriously contemplating swearing off meat.

            2. Arranged marriages, the first date.
              The boy: Do you think that you will learn to love me ?
              The girl: I don't see why not. I learned to like spinach.

              1. I went to my favourite Indian restaurant yesterday and had trouble choosing what to eat. The waiter suggested chicken Tarka.
                What's that I asked. Well he said it's like chicken tikka but it's a little otter.

                1. Husband: What's for dinner tonight?
                  Wife: Chicken Napoleon
                  Husband: What's Chicken Napoleon?
                  Wife: All the Boney-Parts

                  courtesy of my 8th grade history teacher. RIP.

                  1 Reply
                  1. re: TroyTempest

                    OK, I giggled at that one. :-)

                  2. Three couples are eating a feast when one man tries to impress the others with his eloquence. He turns to his wie and says
                    "Pass the sugar, my sweet."
                    Second man does not want to be outdone; he turns to his wife and says
                    "Pass the gnocci, my litle dumpling."
                    Third man breaks out in a sweat as he too does not want to be outdone. Stammering, he turns to his wife and says
                    "Pass the pork you pig."

                    1. I may have read this on another thread, but it's become one of my favorites:

                      Four men in their 40s are picking a restaurant for dinner. They pick the German place because they like waitresses' cleavage in their costumes.

                      10 years pass. The same four men, now in their 50s, are picking a restaurant for dinner. They pick the German place because they like the wine list.

                      10 years pass. The same four men, now in their 60s, are picking a restaurant for dinner. They pick the German place because it's quiet on a weeknight and they won't be disturbed.

                      10 years pass. The same four men, now in their 70s, are picking a restaurant for dinner. They pick the German place because there's a good early-bird menu.

                      10 years pass. The same four men, now in their 80s, are picking a restaurant for dinner. They pick the German place because they've never been there before.

                      8 Replies
                      1. re: WNYamateur

                        Love it!

                        1. re: WNYamateur

                          10 years pass. The same four men, now in their 90s, are picking a restaurant for dinner. They pick the German place because they like the waitresses' cleavage in their costumes.

                          1. re: WNYamateur

                            Love it too.

                            1. re: WNYamateur

                              I sent my mother-in-law the female version of this joke the year she turned 80. Her two-word reply

                              NOT FUNNY

                              I'm hoping it was a joke because she has all her marbles, plus more that most folks don't have.

                              1. re: WNYamateur

                                I sent my beloved mother-in-law tha joke after she turned 80- her reply was

                                NOT FUNNY

                                1. re: EWSflash

                                  That is one, long, slow stutter you have there.

                                  1. re: ricepad

                                    Took a minute, but that is hilarious ricepad!

                                    1. re: ricepad

                                      Best joke on the page.

                                2. And we can never forget the ever popular (and very old) one:
                                  Customer: Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
                                  Waiter: The backstroke, sir.

                                  1 Reply
                                  1. re: Jerzeegirl

                                    In Mel Brooks' "Silent Movie" there's a moment when an exterminating truck rounds a corner and the giant fly on top tears off, sails to the sidewalk, and lands in the soup at a nearby outdoor café. The diner is Henny Youngman, who beckons and says only [via title card], "Oh waiter......}

                                  2. And Miss Piggy's sage advice...."Never eat more than you can lift."

                                    17 Replies
                                    1. re: amazinc

                                      You've reminded me of the inimitable B. Kliban's "Never Eat Anything Bigger Than Your Head." If we can extend the jokes to the visual medium, Kliban made a lot of wonderful cartoons with food themes.

                                      1. re: cayjohan

                                        Creamed Kitty on toast!

                                        1. re: gingershelley

                                          Our family's favorite (and, I suppose, a riff off VV's OP) is "How to tell a cat from a meatloaf."

                                          An aside: my husband practically worships B. Kliban, and that was *click* number one on our first date. I subsequently made him a meatloaf dinner. A B. Kliban meatloaf. He asked me to marry him on the spot. (I made him ask a few more times, honestly, as I didn't want to think that it was just a meatloaf with ears and a tail that did it.) And yes, when a meatloaf gets made around here, it typically has ears. Ah, I feel a meatloaf coming on...

                                           
                                          1. re: gingershelley

                                            The cat blues singer, singing-

                                            "Love to eat them mousies
                                            Mousies what I love to eat
                                            Bite they little heads off,
                                            Nibble on they tiny feet"

                                            1. re: EWSflash

                                              I gave a friend a poster of that one, to celebrate her divorce; her ex had recently become a vegetarian, and my friend was a dedicated omnivore.

                                            2. re: gingershelley

                                              And of course that longtime Chinese restaurant favorite, Kitten Chow Mein...

                                               
                                              1. re: eclecticsynergy

                                                Kung Pao Kitty!

                                                1. re: Augieang

                                                  And this old one:

                                                  http://www.peeniewallie.com/images201...

                                                  1. re: LotusRapper

                                                    Getting a prompt that link is forbidden. Could you post the image?

                                                    1. re: eclecticsynergy

                                                      Ooops, sorry. Here:

                                                       
                                                      1. re: LotusRapper

                                                        Next cookie, courtesy of the management...

                                                         
                                                        1. re: eclecticsynergy

                                                          http://legacy-cdn.smosh.com/smosh-pit...

                                            3. re: cayjohan

                                              Is he still out there publishing? I don't haunt the card shops like I used to, but i've always loved him

                                              1. re: EWSflash

                                                Kliban died in 1990; it appears that most of his books are out of print. I've got most of them - what treasures they are! It's a rare day around here that someone doesn't find a place to slip in a Kliban-of-the-Day. Ordering in a restaurant always makes me think of this one:

                                                ETA: can't seem to load photo; retrying.

                                                1. re: cayjohan

                                                  Won't seem to work. The text is:

                                                  "I'll have the gazpacho, leeks vinaigrette,marinated zucchini, orange mousse, a bottle of Côtes du Rhône Rouge '59, and bring some shit for my fly."

                                                   
                                                2. re: EWSflash

                                                  With a bit of patience his books aren't too hard to find online (Amazon, eBay, AbeBooks, &c) or at bricks & mortar stores. Just like tracking down good places to eat, part of the fun's in the search, or so I tell myself, til it drags on too long...

                                                  Cheers!

                                                3. re: cayjohan

                                                  I Would LIke Some Spa Ghe Ti And Pork Please.

                                              2. the biggest joke

                                                 
                                                3 Replies
                                                1. re: Gastronomos

                                                  WTH is pasteurized process topping?
                                                  Are they marketing this as food or some sort of DIY product?

                                                  1. re: Gastronomos

                                                    We call this tire patching material.

                                                    1. re: Gastronomos

                                                      I was reading a food service magazine that I'd fund. There was an ad for something like this, the subtitle said (I can see it to this day)- "Colorful shreds add the appearance of cheese to your salad bar"

                                                    2. New Yorker cartoon.

                                                      Etched on the glass door at a university office:

                                                      Department of Foreign Languages
                                                      French
                                                      Russian
                                                      Italian
                                                      Creamy Italian

                                                      1 Reply
                                                      1. re: Steve

                                                        "I don't think America will have really made it until we have our own salad dressing. Until then we're stuck behind the French, Italians, Russians and Caesarians."

                                                        - Pat McNelis

                                                      2. Two muffins are baking in an oven.

                                                        One of the muffins says, "Man, is it hot in here."

                                                        The other muffin says, "Holy Moly!! A talking muffin!"

                                                        1. My favorite is the classic from the film "When Harry Met Sally".

                                                          Sally and Harry are dining at Katz's Delicatessan on the lower east side of NYC when Sally (Meg Ryan) very loudly and with much drama spends about 5 minutes faking an orgasm. Immediately thereafter a much older woman sitting at an adjacent table places her order..."I'll have what she's having!".

                                                          See: http://m.youtube.com/watch?autoplay=1...

                                                          1 Reply
                                                          1. re: josephnl

                                                            Interesting bit of trivia- the older lady is played by Rob Reiner's mom.

                                                          2. Why is it you can pop corn but can't pee ( pea) soup?

                                                            3 Replies
                                                            1. re: Augieang

                                                              Kind of along the lines of: Why do we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway?

                                                              1. re: boyzoma

                                                                Which has nothing to do with the question
                                                                "why is there an interstate highway in Hawaii?"

                                                                1. re: porker

                                                                  Or the airline that advertised "All our flights from California to Hawaii are now nonstop." I definitely wouldn't have wanted to be on a flight that landed somewhere in between!

                                                            2. What did the baby chick say to the mama hen when she was trying to hatch an orange? "Look at the orange marmalade." Get it? Teehee.

                                                              1 Reply
                                                              1. re: suzigirl

                                                                Ha! Took a sec, but I got it!

                                                              2. Q: What's green and invisible?

                                                                A: This cabbage.

                                                                (Hold out empty hand)

                                                                4 Replies
                                                                1. re: Robin Joy

                                                                  My kids always loved: " What's invisible and smells like carrots?" Answer: "Bunny breath."

                                                                  Their favored answer, of course, was "bunny farts," but after far too many fart jokes to count, I convinced them to branch out.

                                                                  1. re: cayjohan

                                                                    Can you really have too many fart jokes?

                                                                    1. re: porker

                                                                      Not at the ricepad pad.

                                                                    2. re: cayjohan

                                                                      What did one snowman say to the other?

                                                                      You're right- I smell carrots too!

                                                                  2. Wife: I want to go someplace I've never been before.
                                                                    Husband: How about the kitchen?

                                                                    1. What do computers eat for snacks? Micro-chips.

                                                                      1. What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?

                                                                        He got a little behind in his work!

                                                                        1 Reply
                                                                        1. re: seamunky

                                                                          How very Sweeney Todd of you. :-P

                                                                        2. Q: What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator?

                                                                          A: Close the door. Don't you know I'm dressing?!

                                                                          6 Replies
                                                                          1. re: cookingschool

                                                                            Actually saw this one on here just recently. Gave me a chuckle.

                                                                            Q: how can you tell when one of your guests is a vegan?
                                                                            A: don't worry, they'll let you know!

                                                                            1. re: cronker

                                                                              I like that one

                                                                              1. re: cronker

                                                                                Subtle and in-your-face at the same time.
                                                                                Likey!

                                                                                1. re: cronker

                                                                                  Vegans, the Hezbollah of vegetarians!

                                                                                  1. re: Motosport

                                                                                    I once had a vegan drop in unexpectedly for Thanksgiving after we had already begun eating.

                                                                                    I leapt up and steamed some veggies quickly, and offered him some of the baguette that I happened to have - you know, baguette = no dairy or eggs.

                                                                                    He said, "What's baguette?"

                                                                                    1. re: Motosport

                                                                                      The Dine Cossacks

                                                                                2. Two peanuts were walking through Central Park at night. One was a salted.

                                                                                  1. Two coworkers-

                                                                                    1st coworker asks the other "What's the difference between sex and a chicken salad sandwich?"

                                                                                    2nd replies " I don't know."

                                                                                    1st coworker says "Are you available for lunch on Friday?"

                                                                                    1 Reply
                                                                                    1. re: Clams047

                                                                                      That joke is funny no matter how many times you hear it.

                                                                                    2. Why do most fish live in salt water?
                                                                                      Because they are allergic to pepper.

                                                                                      1. Why are cornfields good listeners?
                                                                                        They're all ears.

                                                                                        1. A farmer was walking in the pumpkin patch when he saw one lonely green pumpkin. He asked the pumpkin "why orange you orange?"

                                                                                          1. What did the hot dog say when he won the contest?
                                                                                            I'm the weiner!

                                                                                            1. Why did the french chef serve only one single egg?

                                                                                              Because one egg is "un oeuf".

                                                                                              1. A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar…tender here?”

                                                                                                1. This will be a bit long.

                                                                                                  A tourist in Spain goes to a restaurant and asks for the specialty of the house. The waiter brings a plate on which there are two large meaty balls covered with a wonderful sauce.

                                                                                                  The tourist finishes the dish and calls the waiter over. He tells the waiter that the dish was one of the best things he has eaten and wanted to know what it was.

                                                                                                  The waiter say "cojones."

                                                                                                  The tourist asks "What's that?"

                                                                                                  "Bull testicles" the waiter replies.

                                                                                                  At first the tourist is shocked, but on reflection, recalling how wonderful the dish was he gets over his shock.

                                                                                                  So the next day the tourist returns to the restaurant and proclaims that he will have the cojones again.

                                                                                                  When the dish comes this time, instead of two large meaty balls, there are two much smaller shriveled balls on the plate. The tourist is a bit puzzled. He eats the dish and calls the waiter over when he's done.

                                                                                                  He asks the waiter "Yesterday when I came and had the cojones, they were big and meaty. Today they're much smaller and scrawny. What happened?"

                                                                                                  The waiter shrugs and says "The bull doesn't always lose."

                                                                                                  1 Reply
                                                                                                  1. re: Bkeats

                                                                                                    Interestingly, I heard the punch line as

                                                                                                    The waiter shrugs and says "The matador doesn't always win."

                                                                                                    Somewhat related to food&drink....
                                                                                                    A seal walks into a bar.
                                                                                                    Bartender asks "what'll you have?"
                                                                                                    The seal replies "Anything but Canadian Club."

                                                                                                  2. How can you tell when an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
                                                                                                    You can find his footprints in the butter...

                                                                                                    Why are chefs so cruel?
                                                                                                    Because they beat their eggs and whip their cream

                                                                                                    For a 9 yo boy, those were hysterical....

                                                                                                    1 Reply
                                                                                                    1. re: mwk

                                                                                                      ...whats green with red all over?
                                                                                                      a frog in a blender.

                                                                                                    2. Why don't lobsters share their toys?

                                                                                                      They're shellfish.

                                                                                                      1. Some favorite food quotes:

                                                                                                        When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, "Four. I don’t think I could eat eight." - Yogi Berra

                                                                                                        "I cook with wine; sometimes I even add it to the food."
                                                                                                        - W.C. Fields

                                                                                                        "Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!"
                                                                                                        -- Tommy Smothers

                                                                                                        "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are."
                                                                                                        -- Matt Lauer

                                                                                                        "My doctor advised me to stop ordering intimate dinners for four unless there were three other people."
                                                                                                        -- Orson Welles

                                                                                                        "I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy!"
                                                                                                        -- Tommy Cooper

                                                                                                        "Nouvelle Cuisine, roughly translated, means: I can't believe I paid ninety-six dollars and I'm still hungry."
                                                                                                        -- Mike Kalin

                                                                                                        "The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
                                                                                                        -- Julia Child

                                                                                                        "Food is an important part of a balanced diet."
                                                                                                        -- Fran Lebowitz

                                                                                                        "If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?"
                                                                                                        -- Stephen Wright

                                                                                                        "Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat."
                                                                                                        - Jim Davis

                                                                                                        "We've got another word for sushi where I come from... We call it bait."
                                                                                                        -- Jeff Foxworthy

                                                                                                         
                                                                                                        1. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
                                                                                                          One turns to the other and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"

                                                                                                          1. Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

                                                                                                            Because it felt crumby.

                                                                                                            1. A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

                                                                                                              Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

                                                                                                              The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

                                                                                                              Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

                                                                                                              She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

                                                                                                              He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

                                                                                                              "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

                                                                                                              He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh...

                                                                                                              "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

                                                                                                              6 Replies
                                                                                                              1. re: boredough

                                                                                                                i heard this as a Blonde joke - no less PC than an old lady, right?

                                                                                                                1. re: WNYamateur

                                                                                                                  yes...they both work! You reminded me of a food-related video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wC6XR...

                                                                                                                  1. re: boredough

                                                                                                                    LOL,Thanks for that

                                                                                                                    1. re: Delucacheesemonger

                                                                                                                      A waste of bandwidth, but me too!

                                                                                                                      1. re: Vinnie Vidimangi

                                                                                                                        glad you both got a chuckle!

                                                                                                                    2. re: boredough

                                                                                                                      Another food-related video:
                                                                                                                      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUCpOY...

                                                                                                                2. And another funny video that uses food to illustrate how 'porn sex is different than regular sex'

                                                                                                                  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q64hTN...

                                                                                                                  Actually very cute!