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For those of you with dogs

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I have a good friend from work who has had us over on several occasions. We both have dogs albeit mine are huge and she has chihuahuas. We have asked her to dinner at our house but only if my dogs were outside. My dogs arr well behaved, are not allowed to hang out in the kitchen or dining room, and basically just go lay down during company. Would you scrap the invite or invite them to a restaurant?

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  1. I should say, she said only if my dogs were outside. And i live in the california desert. Cant do it. Now i either have to refuse or come up with plan b

    11 Replies
    1. re: Goatjunky

      I would no longer socialize with any dog owner who asked me to put my gentle dogs outside during her visit. But first, if I were you, I'd invite her over for an outdoor cookout at the patio table in full sun, while my dogs relaxed in the cool indoors.

      1. re: greygarious

        Agreed. If you had cited dog phobia or dog allergies, that's one thing, and I'd have said "choose a restaurant". But to force well behaved big breeds into the desert sun in July? Hell no. That's cruel. Perhaps this coworker should remain only that..a coworker.

        1. re: pinehurst

          Anyone who puts conditions on accepting a dinner invite to someone's home, whether its about dogs, music, or the cuisine should be politely told to pound sand, strong memo to follow.

          1. re: pinehurst

            Agreed. Summer in the desert? Oh hell no. Especially since your dogs are well-behaved. My Lab gets house dibs over a co-worker any day.

            1. re: KrumTx

              And just adding desert heat +summer+boxers...aren't short-nosed breeds more prone to heat exhaustion? I don't think I'm hallucinating that. But again, all's well that ends well....even after a few weird twists.

              1. re: pinehurst

                Yes, short nosed/snout dogs have a harder time breathing in extreme heat you are correct.

                Typed as the proud owner of a Shi Tzu. :-)

          2. re: greygarious

            greygarious... Love it!!!! ;O

            1. re: Phoebe

              yes I like grey's response too. personally I've found the larger breeds to be more docile and less annoying than their smaller counterparts.

              and coming from a dog owner it's even weirder. does she put hers outside when guests are over?

              1. re: hill food

                I have two big "kids". Both are big babies! One's a setter, the other a weimaraner. And yes, both of them are a lot less annoying than the little yippy ones we've come across. ;)

            2. re: greygarious

              Well said. As only a greyhound parent could! I have 2 greys that are guests' favorites. They meet, greet and go lay down somewhere.
              But then again, my guests are usually invited to bring their own canines for dinner, too. Exceptions; very formal or muddy backyard.

              1. re: zillabreeze

                "As only a greyhound parent could!"

                :) Love. Our little guy is Italian, therefore quite a bit smaller, but everyone's favorite. Doesn't take him more than a minute to realize that his new best friend is the person now petting his grey head.

                And, blergh...who offers to come over to someone else's home, eat the food they have prepared, but only on the condition that their beloved dogs not come anywhere near?? Again - blergh.

          3. I would meet them at a restaurant, enjoy their company and let the dog situation be a total non-issue.

            1 Reply
            1. re: weezieduzzit

              Thank you so much for validating me/this. Grey, u made me laugh. We have had many people over with no issue. But my dogs do figure in the situation

            2. Two aspects to consider here, be a respectful guest, be a thoughtful host. A respectful guest does not set terms for her host. A thoughtful host does not force his guest into an uncomfortable suituation. Basically, it is impolite for your coworker to ask you to remove your pets from your home, with an exception for allergies of course. OTOH, perhaps she feels very uncomfortable or even afraid of large animals. Personally I despise it when someone has expressed fear of something and others make light of it and attempt to convince the person the fear is irrational. "Oh you'll be fine my dogs wouldn't hurt a fly...etc."
              Obviously you enjoy this coworker's company, would you be willing to accomodate her? Perhaps the pets could be placed in the bedroom while she is there?
              Both my Goldens are gone now but I had no problem whatsoever crating them during parties. They shed like crazy and I felt my guests should not have dry cleaning bills or hair in their drinks as the cost of spending time with me.

              2 Replies
              1. re: Jerseygirl111

                as a family with allergies (albeit with cats) -- visiting in a home where an animal lives is more than enough to trigger a reaction for most people -- the animal doesn't even have to be in the home to make it a very uncomfortable visit. So we either dose up on allergy meds prior to a visit, or once in a while, we just suggest getting together at a restaurant -- with full disclosure of the allergy, and profuse apologies.

                We have a couple of friends who have a near-phobia of dogs -- they would never ask us to toss our dog out in the desert heat in the summer...but we are conscious to keep him away from them, which is within their tolerance.

                1. re: sunshine842

                  now that's what I call reasonable accommodation.

              2. Wait, did she say she would only come over if your dogs were kept outside, or was that something you proposed when inviting her over - maybe assuming in advance she wouldn't be comfortable with them in the house.

                If she is flat out saying she won't come over for dinner unless you keep your dogs outside, I would just stick with a restaurant. But personally, I think that is a little rude of her considering she's a dog owner as well. Chihuahua's may be small, but they can be pretty mean and high strung themselves.

                1. Yeah...tell her that her comment completely "smacks of speciesism" and you can't have any part of it.

                  Problem solved. ;)

                  1. Mrs.B and I are hosting the annual meeting/brunch of my family foundation this summer. The meeting notice alerted everyone that we had 4 dogs and 2 cats.
                    Not a single comment received about the dogs. Got three regrets because of cats.
                    Dogs will be in kitchen and dining room if they please. It is their home.

                    1. Example One of why I like dogs better than people. I *love* huge dogs....and Chihuahuas. People telling me what to do in my own home? Not so much.

                      1. Love me, love my dogs. Everything else falls into line. Simple.

                        1. Wow, that is nervy. My dog is a part of my household and I cannot imagine sending her outside for an evening at my guest's request (in the heat, no less) any more than I would my daughter.

                          If I had a guest (most likely small child) who was truly afraid of my dog, I would keep my dog someplace she would be happy but behind a closed door so she wouldn't upset anyone. I want my guests to be comfortable and at ease, and if someone is truly frightened by my 8 lb poodle, I would have no problem making arrangements to keep them apart. But it would not involve banishing my dog to the sweltering heat.

                          1 Reply
                          1. re: jlhinwa

                            OP: "bring your dogs! it'll be great, and you can just leave them in the car!"

                            that's what's just weird about this. if it were someone with dog issues or allergies or whatever that could be understood - those goofballs aren't everyone's cup of tea. but she owns dogs, granted on a different scale, but still...

                            so seriously, if they're all sociable (and yes some aren't) then invite her dogs too. small dogs have a way of taking the 'Alpha' role. hers might be bossing yours around before the end of the night.

                            do a dress rehearsal mutual dog walk.

                          2. I once knew someone who, while not afraid of all dogs, had an intense fear of male dogs. I didn't know her well enough to ask why but I just add this to say that it's not unheard of to make exceptions - in her case, she likes dogs, but not all dogs.

                            That being said, my dogs would come first (if I had dogs) and it's kind of rude of her to say only if they were outside. I assume she lives in the same general area if you've been to her place several times?

                            I say refuse and let her come up with a plan b. I understand the need to reciprocate but jeez.

                            1. What did she say was the problem with your dogs?

                              1. Am I the only one who reads such posts and wonder why good friends do not simply discuss the matter rather than jumping to conclusions and hurt feelings? Or am I too boring?

                                (And yes, I concede these are not mutually exclusive. I'm probably still boring, even if not alone.)

                                1. I would probably scrap the invite partially because I think it's rude to make demands in someone else's home. I also wouldn't be very tolerant of that kind of attitude towards the dogs. I know I'm biased because I have always had dogs, but I try to make my guests comfortable by keeping the dogs in another room. I will also go out of my way to accommodate a guest with an allergy, but this situation is different, especially the request to keep them outside in the heat.

                                  My pets are a huge part of my life. Anyone who knows me well knows that, and I like to think that my love of animals is one of the things they like about me. I don't think I could have much of a relationship with anyone who didn't understand that in my home dogs are family, and they will be treated with respect, care, and kindness like everyone else.

                                  1. I would scrap the invite. If she's really a good friend I would just ask her what's the problem with the dogs. I would be surprised if any good friend of mine made such a request when invited to my house as they are all familiar with my dog. Usually when invited over to their homes for dinner the dog is specifically invited to come along. But if she's a good friend and you want to eat dinner with her, just meet her at a restaurant.

                                    1. Email this pic to them and let them know that it is pretty damn rude for them to attempt to make rules for YOUR pets in YOUR home. The short of it is, I would end the friendship.

                                       
                                      2 Replies
                                      1. re: PotatoHouse

                                        I agree that it is pretty rude, which makes me wonder if there isn't something else going on here. Perhaps she was attacked by a large dog as a child or something and has a phobia? I wouldn't end the friendship, especially if she is a co-worker, but I would ask something like, "That's kind of an odd thing to ask, what makes you ask that?" I have had my dog go outside at mealtimes when visiting. But that was because the resident dog had food issues and there was no need to possibly create an altercation. Plus, it was the resident dog's house, and they had a lovely fenced back yard for my dog to visit while we ate.

                                        1. re: PotatoHouse

                                          I love this pic to infinity and beyond, btw.

                                        2. I tend to agree with Lizard who just point out the obvious, if this is a good friend why can't it be discussed between friends?

                                          Regardless of that, I guess unless you live in a studio apartment or something of the like, why can't you find a happy compromise and leave them in a bedroom?

                                          You don't give us much to go on as to the motivation for the request, so I'll be generous and assume it's a "fear" of larger dogs. There is NO reasonable expectation for you to leave your dogs outside in the heat, but locked in a desperate room for a couple of hours shouldn't be too bad.

                                          I suggest discussing it. Perhaps you will find this person isn't as good of a friend as you initially assumed.

                                          Good luck, do not lock the dogs outside.

                                          16 Replies
                                          1. re: jrvedivici

                                            Im at work with her right now, and we just had a discussion about it. Apparantly shes afraid of my dogs because they are boxers and she finds them intimidating. She hadnt said that before and im glad she told me. She does put her own dogs outside so she didnt think it would be an issue. She and her husband are going to come over and i will just keep the dogs in the bedroom.

                                            1. re: Goatjunky

                                              I'm glad you talked it over and came to an understanding!

                                              1. re: Goatjunky

                                                I'm glad it worked out for everyone.

                                                1. re: Goatjunky

                                                  Just call me Dr. Phil Jr!

                                                  Now to make sure you don't have this communication problem in the future take your coffee cup, fill with coffee, let cool then walk up and throw it in her face and say "DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN {{insert chosen curse word here}}". That should take care of it going forward. lol

                                                  Now in all honesty......lock your dog's in the bed room, hopefully if they don't go crazy barking all night, towards the end of the night ask her if she minds if you let them out. Give her an opportunity to meet them......perhaps help her get over her fear. If they do bark the whole time forget about that because in her mind they are barking and salivating behind the door waiting to take a bite out of her!

                                                  Congrat's on the peaceful solution, it always comes down to communication!

                                                  1. re: jrvedivici

                                                    "Now to make sure you don't have this communication problem in the future take your coffee cup, fill with coffee, let cool then walk up and throw it in her face and say "DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN {{insert chosen curse word here}}". That should take care of it going forward. lol"

                                                    ????? It sounds like there was communication, it was worked out because they addressed it with each other. I don't see that there was a "problem," it worked out BECAUSE they communicated.

                                                    1. re: wyogal

                                                      Ummmmm not sure what point your trying to make here? You are exhibiting some selective copy pasting......what you copy pasted is a "joke" after referring to myself as Dr. Phil. This is also demonstrated by the lol which is not part of the quote as indicated by the end quote mark (") that is in your copy pasted text.

                                                      The rest of my non-copy pasted text is commending her and offering her sincere advice in helping her friend over come her fear? Why would you so selectively copy paste my "humor' as some kind of slight to the OP?

                                                      1. re: jrvedivici

                                                        I just thought it was weird that you seemed so over the top with the "joke," and indeed there was not a communication problem.
                                                        That's all.
                                                        No, I don't always get "jokes," and sometimes read things quite literally.
                                                        so sue me. lol :) haha

                                                        1. re: wyogal

                                                          LMAO.....wow...next time I'll start with "knock knock" so you can know where the joke is starting.

                                                          I thought it was brilliant after calling myself Dr. Phil to tell them to throw a cup of coffee in their face!

                                                          I even tied it up in a nice bow for my closing line;

                                                          "Congrat's on the peaceful solution, it always comes down to communication!"

                                                          Too funny, thank you for clarifying things, I really couldn't figure out why you were trying to "pick" on my post.

                                                          1. re: jrvedivici

                                                            Yeah, I'm the one that got picked on because I just don't always get the joke.
                                                            I'm also baffled when someone uses the wrong version of there or your or its...... I read quite literally online. Like, Your crazy.... I think, Your crazy what? Not You're crazy.

                                                            1. re: wyogal

                                                              Ugggghhhh now I have to go back and proof read all my posts.
                                                              :-(

                                                              1. re: jrvedivici

                                                                ha! nah! No worries!

                                                                1. re: wyogal

                                                                  "knock knock"

                                                                  Your sure their ain't no worries?

                                                                  1. re: jrvedivici

                                                                    not on this thread! ha!

                                                  2. re: Goatjunky

                                                    I thought it must be a fear issue ... glad you talked about it. Many, many people are afraid of bigger dogs.

                                                    1. re: Goatjunky

                                                      As someone who has an intimidating to some boxer mix, I think this is the best solution. It gives your coworker a chance to feel safe, but also the opportunity to slowly become more comfortable with them. One of the cutest pictures I have is of my tiny, formerly fearful niece sitting next to the dog with her arm around her. She went from terrified to best friends in one afternoon. Not saying this will happen with your colleague so quickly, but over time she may let her guard down enough to at least check them out.

                                                      1. re: Goatjunky

                                                        "Im at work with her right now, and we just had a discussion about it. Apparantly shes afraid of my dogs because they are boxers and she finds them intimidating."

                                                        ~~~

                                                        zomg! you communicated and were honest and came to a reasonable arrangement.

                                                        am always amazed by the black and white answers on the internetz. end the friendship? seriously? you people must not have any friends.

                                                        fwiw, i was bitten by a chihuahua as a kid and avoid touching them still. doesn't mean i'd not go a dinner party if somebody owned one.

                                                        if the invitee always puts her yappers outside for company, she clearly doesn't think it's weird.

                                                    2. I would have a conversation with her about her feelings towards your dogs. Is she afraid of large dogs? I have two smallish-medium dogs (one that is part Chihuahua) and sometimes put them in a bedroom when we have visitors. The chi mix can be snappy with kids and barks so he periodically goes into his crate when kids are over. But in the bedroom and completely climate controlled.

                                                      Putting them outside would be a non-starter.

                                                      1. I love dogs, and I would never expect one of my friends to put their dogs outside. That seems ridiculous for her to expect that, unless she is actually frightened of large dogs. In which case I would suggest that you guys dine at a restaurant instead. I do not think it is appropriate for a guest to dictate terms like that, although it is a slightly different situation IMO since she is your good work friend. She probably feels comfortable enough with you to ask.

                                                        1. I am, as is everyone, glad this was resolved with the friendship intact.

                                                          What puzzles me is why the coworker's initial reaction was "only if the dogs are outside". Large breed fears aside, you'd think no dog lover (even if she owned teacup poodles and you owned a mastiff) would want ANY breed relegated to the desert heat, because the animals' health would suffer.

                                                          But anyhoo. Happy resolution.

                                                          2 Replies
                                                          1. re: pinehurst

                                                            That part bothers me, too. If that's actually what the coworker requested, as opposed to asking only that the dogs be kept away from her, that would ring a loud alarm bell for me. It's easy to envision a scenario in which the coworker does something inconsiderate in the future that turns out to be terminal to the friendship, as with the benefit of hindsight, the OP thinks s/he should have realized at the time of the dinner invitation kerfuffle that the co-worker's character was seriously flawed.

                                                            1. re: greygarious

                                                              Yes. Emphatically.
                                                              I can't imagine anyone (read: coworker) trying to solve a phobia would make the mental leap to a suggestion that would endanger the life of a living creature. But that's jmo, and I consider my dog to be a member of my family, and as John E said, I take it as a personal affront on behalf of my dog.

                                                          2. I have a 75 pound hunk of love that intimidates guests (due to breed). I've never been asked to put my dog outside because I'm often hyper aware of how both my guests & dog are reacting to each other. If I was asked to put my dog outside & I wasn't comfortable doing so (which I'm not, for long bouts of time), I'd suggest a restaurant instead (saying, I'd rather not subject 'dog' to being uncomfortable outside, let's go to X place instead).

                                                            1. Maybe your guest is afraid of big dogs. Why not put the dogs in another room for the evening instead of outdoors, I would do that for a friend if I knew there was fear involved. I feel like Anne Landers right now.

                                                              1. I think most people on this thread are either taking the request as a personal insult on behalf of their dogs or are not thinking logically. Of course, it is a slight insult to put any kind of condition on an invitation, but a situation with animals is not the same as asking the host to hide the children and all of their toys. Some people have a fear or an aversion to large dogs.

                                                                Also, what's the deal about putting the dogs outside in the heat of the desert? Where is that menitoned in the OP? The dogs can go into another room for a couple of hours. Or, the host can cancel the invite. It's not that big of a deal.

                                                                1 Reply
                                                                1. re: John E.

                                                                  the op says, "We have asked her to dinner at our house but only if my dogs were outside."

                                                                  turns out it was all good in the end

                                                                2. I used to be TERRIFIED of dogs... my parents' friends knew it and kept their large dogs away during our visits. Fortunately I grew out of my phobia (but not until I was about 30...) and now I love visiting people with friendly dogs. There are plenty of people who are scared of large dogs, especially certain breeds. Putting them outside is just mean, but if she is scared of them it would be reasonable to shut them well away from the dining room/lounge and not let them out while she's there.

                                                                  3 Replies
                                                                  1. re: Kajikit

                                                                    BUT....it's then the responsibility of the guests to communicate their fear/phobia to the host.

                                                                    "We'll be happy to come, but I'm almost embarrassed to admit that your two big boxers intimidate the daylights out of me...would it be possible to keep them in a bedroom?"

                                                                    not

                                                                    "Yes, we'll come, but only if you chuck your dogs outside"

                                                                    1. re: sunshine842

                                                                      You made my point much better than my attempt.

                                                                      I think the OP and her co-worker might have a history that could make your plan not acceptable to the OP.

                                                                      1. re: John E.

                                                                        I still like the idea of meeting with all dogs for coffee and a walk first and just see. maybe they hate each other, maybe not. but with leashes attached, separation is somewhat simple.