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Food Jokes

"Why did the man take a plum out for the evening?"

"Because he couldn't find a Date."

Ba-dum-dum

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  1. Pi r squared.

    No...pi r not squared, pi r round. Cornbread r squared.

    3 Replies
    1. re: Jeri L

      I like that one! Never heard it before.

      1. re: Jeri L

        i like that one :)

        What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin pi.

        1. re: goodhealthgourmet

          And it's the perfect season for that one, too!

      2. From my grandma when I was a tyke: What kind of a noise annoys an oyster? A noisy noise annoys an oyster.

        1. We're having honeymoon salad with dinner.
          What's honeymoon salad?
          Lettuce alone.

          4 Replies
                1. re: ttoommyy

                  It's important! I love that joke. Puns are awesome.

            1. Knock knock.
              Who's there.
              Banana
              Banana who....

              Knock knock.
              Who's there.
              Banana
              Banana who....

              Knock knock.
              Who's there.
              Banana
              Banana who...

              Knock knock
              Who's there
              Banana
              Banana who....

              Knock knock
              Who's there
              Banana
              Banana who...

              Knock knock
              Whose there
              Orange.
              Orange who?
              Orange you gonna say banana?

              Absolutely, guaranteed to drive my kids insane!

              2 Replies
              1. re: tcamp

                The version I heard as a kid was "Orange you glad I *didn't* say banana".

              2. Along the lines of the honeymoon/marriage joke.

                "I cantaloupe with you."

                "Oh, honeydew!"

                1 Reply
                1. re: pinehurst

                  What did the girl melon say to the boy melon?

                  "We're too young, we cantaloupe".

                2. Can't remember this one exactly, but here goes:

                  What did the bottle of Thousand Island say to the jar of mayo in the refrigerator?

                  Shut the door! Can't you see I'm dressing?

                  1. Not really a joke per se, but if you mouth the words "olive juice" to someone it looks like you are saying "I love you." Don't ask me why one would do this, but it's kind of funny. Well, maybe.

                    2 Replies
                    1. re: ttoommyy

                      My ex boyfriend used to say elephant food. Looks like I love you also.

                      1. Two cashews walk into a bar in a rough part of town.
                        One was a salted.

                        1. Why did the cinnamon roll?

                          Because it saw the apple turnover.

                          2 Replies
                          1. re: jmcarthur8

                            Why didn't the sesame seed leave the casino?
                            Because he was on a roll.

                            1. re: jmcarthur8

                              How do you make a Swiss roll?

                              Push him off a mountain.

                            2. Again, not a joke, but funny; well, at least to this grammar school kid in the late 60s/very early 70s.

                              "McDonald’s is your kind of place
                              Hamburgers in your face
                              French fries between your toes
                              Dill pickles up your nose
                              And now here come the frosted shakes
                              Made from polluted lakes
                              McDonald’s is your kind of place."

                              1 Reply
                              1. re: ttoommyy

                                Here's the version I know, equally appealing to the grammar-school sensibility, and evidently meant to be sung to the same tune. I learned it from the kids at a camp where I was a counselor in the mid-70's:

                                McDonald's is my kind of place
                                They fry rattlesnakes.
                                The last time I was there
                                They fried my underwear.
                                I do not care!
                                It was my dirty pair.
                                McDonald's is my kind of place.

                              2. Why did the man stare at the can of orange juice instead of making it?
                                It said "concentrate."

                                Why did all the kids in class eat their homework?
                                Their teacher said it would be a piece of cake.

                                How can you tell if a potato is a prostitute?
                                Look for the label that says Idaho.

                                I recently read somewhere that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started. So far today I've finished a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Scotch, a box of chocolates and a pint of ice cream...

                                1 Reply
                                1. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

                                  Anybody can roast beef.

                                  (This is particularly hilarious to a bunch of third graders.)

                                  1 Reply
                                  1. What did the jar of mayonnaise say when I open the refrigerator? "Close the door, I'm dressing."

                                    1. Heard the proprietor of a French restaurant exclaim once: "that's an oxymoron, like: Italian fine dining".

                                      1. A grasshopper walked into a bar, and sat down near the bartender.

                                        The bartender said "Say, did you know we've got a drink named after you?"

                                        "That's ridiculous" said the grasshopper. "Why would anyone name a drink 'Bob'?"

                                        3 Replies
                                        1. re: kcshigekawa

                                          A termite walks into a bar and says "is the bartender here?"

                                            1. re: kcshigekawa

                                              A mushroom walks into bar.
                                              The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food here."
                                              The mushroom says "awwww come on...I'm a fun-guy."

                                        2. Two snowmen in the front yard are having a chat. One says to the other: "Funny, I smell carrots too".

                                          5 Replies
                                          1. re: pinehurst

                                            Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

                                            1. re: porker

                                              Cannibal Football coach calls the team over after practice. "Team come over here, take a knee"
                                              Quarterback "Thanks, I could use a post-practice snack"

                                              1. re: jumpingmonk

                                                So politically incorrect...and funny!

                                              2. re: porker

                                                What do cannibals have for dessert? Farmer Fannie.

                                                1. re: porker

                                                  Two cannibals are eating lunch. One cannibal says to the other, "I hate my boss". The other cannibal says, "then just eat the noodles".

                                              3. Mentioned this one on another thread awhile back...

                                                Salesman drives up to a farm and notices a friendly pig with only 3 legs and missing an ear and tail.
                                                He asks the farmer what happened.
                                                Farmer says, "We had a fire in the house while we were sleeping. That there pig stormed into the house and raised the alarm, waking us up. We would all have died if it weren't for him."
                                                "So thats how he lost the leg?"
                                                "Naw....I was hunting awhile back and the pig followed me. Deep in the woods, a bear jumped out and attacked me. The pig drove him off, saving my life!"
                                                "So THATS how he lost the leg, with the bear?"
                                                "Nope."
                                                "Well, how did he lose the leg?"
                                                "I tell you, a pig that good, well, you don't eat him all at once."

                                                3 Replies
                                                  1. re: porker

                                                    That is one of my favorite jokes. It was told to me by an actor friend of mine who made it a big, lovely piece of solo theater.

                                                    1. If you're a royal and eat too much pumpkin, you'll become Sir Circumference

                                                      2 Replies
                                                      1. re: Stephanie Wong

                                                        What is the name of the only Knight that has a permanent seat at the round table?
                                                        Circumference

                                                        1. re: ChefNNod

                                                          Your forgot Sir Loin of Beef and his spicy fellow knight; Sir Racha.

                                                      2. An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
                                                        The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
                                                        "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly."
                                                        The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
                                                        The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns."
                                                        "Do you mean a rose?"
                                                        "Yes, that's the one,'"replied the man. He turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

                                                        5 Replies
                                                        1. re: ChefNNod

                                                          3 couples are sitting around the table enjoying dinner.
                                                          "Pass the sugar, sweetie." says one man to his wife.
                                                          Not to be shown-up, the second guy turns to his wife and says "pass the bread, cupcake."
                                                          Third guy, under pressure blurts out to his wife "pass the pork you pig."

                                                          1. re: porker

                                                            LOL!

                                                            Laughing out loud at this one :).

                                                              1. re: porker

                                                                Dang! I was drinking coffee when I read that. I almost choked.

                                                                1. I don't know any food jokes. Just dirty jokes. Hangs head in shame....

                                                                  3 Replies
                                                                    1. re: ttoommyy

                                                                      What do a woman and jell-o have in common?

                                                                  1. Psychiatrist: What's your problem?
                                                                    Patient: Doctor, I think I'm a chicken.
                                                                    Psychiatrist: How have you felt this way?
                                                                    Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

                                                                    2 Replies
                                                                    1. re: pinehurst

                                                                      Husband: My wife thinks she's a chicken.
                                                                      Psychiatrist: OK...Why isn't SHE here? I can't help her if she's not here.
                                                                      Husband: We need the eggs.

                                                                    2. What is a cannibal’s favorite food? Baked Beings.

                                                                      1 Reply
                                                                      1. re: Vidute

                                                                        and when he's full, he couldn't possibly eat another mortal.

                                                                      2. I bought a box of animal crackers, and it said on it, 'Do not eat if seal is broken.' So I opened up the box, and sure enough...

                                                                        1. Do funny stories count?
                                                                          (young) waiter walks into the kitchen "porker, some guy wants 'farmer john cheese' "
                                                                          "He wants *what*"
                                                                          "farmer john cheese"
                                                                          "you're kidding, right?"
                                                                          "No, thats what he asked for."
                                                                          "OK....whats he eating?"
                                                                          "Jambalaya pasta."
                                                                          "Ahhhh, by any chance could've he said 'PARMESAN cheese'?"
                                                                          "...oh, I dunno...I guess so..."
                                                                          "get the hell outta here, FARMER john"

                                                                          7 Replies
                                                                            1. re: Delucacheesemonger

                                                                              I got a million...
                                                                              (young) waitress walks into the kitchen "porker, can you describe the soup?" - this about a half hour after I mark up the special board.
                                                                              "Which soup?"
                                                                              "The soup of the day, you know, the "cheapskate chowder."
                                                                              "WHAT?"
                                                                              "Yeah, I know, CHEAPSKATE sounds weird."
                                                                              "Thats *Chesapeake*, as in Chesapeake Bay as in Maryland ...."
                                                                              "oh..."

                                                                              1. re: porker

                                                                                One that I heard (literally)

                                                                                Cheese seller in supermarket: "Yes ma'am can I help you"

                                                                                Elderly Woman (in thick German Accent): "Ja, I vant two pounds of Boar Kase."

                                                                                Seller "Beg you pardon?"

                                                                                Woman "Boar Kase, two pounds of Boar Kase"

                                                                                Seller "Oh you mean Boerkaas, Sure thing. Goes to get the wheel of Boerkaas (a kind of Gouda)

                                                                                Woman, "Nein, I don't vant that I vant some Boar Kase"

                                                                                Seller "This IS Boerkass!"

                                                                                Woman "Nein, Nein nein, Zat's de Boar Kase" points to the cheese display in the deli case (next to the Cheese counter, where there is......a large block of Boar's Head American. "Two pounds, please"

                                                                                And while I don't have the courage to actually say the whole thing, I once witnessed a variation of the "cheapskate chowder" even that was really hilarios. It so happens that one of the Chinese resturaunts I frequnet has a dish that is called (on the English side of the menu) "Fu Kan fried rice" (I've always assumed it's a bad transliteration of "Fukien". On a regualr basis when someone walks in an want to order it the say "Give me some.........." well I think you can guess the rest.

                                                                                1. re: jumpingmonk

                                                                                  Which reminds me of walking by a cafe. A guy sitting inside gave me a smile. I smiled back, broadly...he didn't realize that he was sitting behind a sign that said, "Hot Reuben $3.95"

                                                                                  1. re: jumpingmonk

                                                                                    Could do a SNL skit:
                                                                                    "Sorry, no more Fu Kan fried rice."
                                                                                    "Whaddya mean, 'no more Fu Kan rice' ?"
                                                                                    "Like I said, no Fu Kan rice....want some Fu Kan noodle instead?"
                                                                                    "Fu Kan, no. Maybe wong fook king noodle?"

                                                                                    1. re: porker

                                                                                      <Could do a SNL skit>

                                                                                      :). Seriously.
                                                                                      As i lift a glass every Thanksgiving to the late John Belushi....he would be perfect for the role.
                                                                                      There's nothing like a great sense of humor and you're proof of it.

                                                                                      1. re: latindancer

                                                                                        Ironically there IS a Chinese resturant I know off (different one) that is called Foo King.

                                                                            2. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

                                                                              1. Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the casino? Because he was on a roll

                                                                                What do you get when you put three ducks in a box? A box of quackers

                                                                                1. Here's an old favorite from a bbq board that I frequent:

                                                                                  THE CHILI COOK-OFF

                                                                                  Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
                                                                                  first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those
                                                                                  of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually
                                                                                  have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a
                                                                                  major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was
                                                                                  an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from
                                                                                  Springfield, IL.

                                                                                  Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
                                                                                  cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
                                                                                  happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions
                                                                                  to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
                                                                                  two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy;
                                                                                  and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
                                                                                  accepted and became Judge 3."

                                                                                  Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

                                                                                  CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
                                                                                  Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
                                                                                  Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
                                                                                  Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
                                                                                  remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
                                                                                  out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

                                                                                  CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
                                                                                  Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
                                                                                  Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
                                                                                  Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
                                                                                  I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
                                                                                  give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
                                                                                  the look on my face.

                                                                                  CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN
                                                                                  Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
                                                                                  Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
                                                                                  Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
                                                                                  like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
                                                                                  beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
                                                                                  the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the
                                                                                  beer.

                                                                                  CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
                                                                                  Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
                                                                                  Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
                                                                                  other mild foods, not much of a chili.
                                                                                  Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
                                                                                  taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
                                                                                  standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to
                                                                                  look HOT .... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
                                                                                  aphrodisiac?

                                                                                  CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
                                                                                  Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
                                                                                  considerable kick. Very impressive.
                                                                                  Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
                                                                                  the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
                                                                                  Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
                                                                                  can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
                                                                                  paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
                                                                                  had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
                                                                                  beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
                                                                                  off.
                                                                                  It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
                                                                                  Screw them.

                                                                                  CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
                                                                                  Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
                                                                                  and peppers.
                                                                                  Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
                                                                                  Superb.
                                                                                  Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
                                                                                  sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
                                                                                  will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a
                                                                                  snowcone.

                                                                                  CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
                                                                                  Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
                                                                                  Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
                                                                                  chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
                                                                                  about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
                                                                                  cursing uncontrollably.
                                                                                  Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
                                                                                  wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
                                                                                  sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
                                                                                  slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
                                                                                  shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
                                                                                  I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
                                                                                  getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

                                                                                  CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
                                                                                  Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
                                                                                  but spicy enough to declare its existence.
                                                                                  Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
                                                                                  hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
                                                                                  out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
                                                                                  if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted
                                                                                  to really hot chili?
                                                                                  Judge # 3 - No Report

                                                                                  5 Replies
                                                                                  1. re: Cheez62

                                                                                    How do you follow an act like that?

                                                                                    An Inuit has an accident, falling onto icicles, and later passing away.

                                                                                    Cause of death: too many cold cuts....

                                                                                    1. re: Cheez62

                                                                                      this had me HOWLING. thanks so much for posting it!

                                                                                      1. re: Cheez62

                                                                                        Thank you you, Cheez! I read it aloud to Hubby, and now the sides of my face are sore from grinning.
                                                                                        ;-)

                                                                                        1. re: Cheez62

                                                                                          i have to stop laughing, its 1 in the morning and i need to go to bed.

                                                                                          1. re: KaimukiMan

                                                                                            I'm glad that people think it's funny. Hope you got some sleep ;-)

                                                                                        2. A guy is in court accused of eating an endangered bird, a spotted owl.
                                                                                          The judge says, "the evidence certainly doesn't look very good; you were observed shooting, methodically plucking, and roasting a spotted owl. The game warden watched as you consumed the bird, all of which is quite illegal. What do you have to say? How do you plead?"

                                                                                          "I plead innocent, your honor," the man replied, "I was lost in the woods for more than a week and hod not eaten in that time. I only ate the bird because I was starving."

                                                                                          The judge buys the story and proclaims the man innocent. He leans over, in a hushed voice asks "I've always wondered, what does spotted owl taste like?"
                                                                                          The man shrugs and says "Nothing special, tastes just like bald eagle."

                                                                                          1 Reply
                                                                                          1. re: porker

                                                                                            When I heard it it was "sorta like a cross between Bald eagle and Whooping Crane"

                                                                                          2. What can you throw but you can't catch? A party. Damn, I'm funny.

                                                                                            2 Replies
                                                                                            1. re: suzigirl

                                                                                              I guess 'party' can be food related...

                                                                                              1. re: porker

                                                                                                Here. This is better.
                                                                                                What did the chick say to the mama hen when she laid an orange? Look at the orange marmalade.
                                                                                                What did the farmer say to the green pumpkin? Why orange you orange?

                                                                                            2. A man is watching Johnny playing in the yard. The boy swats & kills a honeybee. The father says "Johnny, its not right to kill stuff. You're not allowed to eat honey for a month."
                                                                                              Some time later, he sees Johnny catch a butterfly and rip its wings off.
                                                                                              "What'd I say? Its not right to kill stuff. You're not allowed to eat butter for a month."
                                                                                              Later on, they're in the kitchen where Johnny's mom is preparing dinner. A cockroack darts from under the fridge and the mother squashes it with her foot.
                                                                                              Johnny looks at his dad and says "You wanna tell her, or should I?"

                                                                                              2 Replies
                                                                                                1. Okay, this is no two-liner, but I think it's hilarious. Take from the book "Old Jews Telling Jokes":

                                                                                                  "Rugelach"
                                                                                                  The old man is dying. He calls his son into his bedroom. "Sammy," he says, " I can smell all the way up here that your mother is downstairs in the kitchen, baking rugelach. You know that your mother's rugelach is my favorite thing in the world. I'm sure that this will be the last thing I ever eat. Would you please go downstairs and get me some?"
                                                                                                  Sammy leaves the room.
                                                                                                  Five minutes go by. Ten minutes.
                                                                                                  Fifteen minutes later, Sammy returns to his father's bedside, empty-handed.
                                                                                                  "Sammy," the old man says, "Where's the rugelach?"
                                                                                                  "Pop" Sammy says sheepishly, "Mom says they're for after the funeral."

                                                                                                  1. What do you call a pig that does karate? A porkchop

                                                                                                    1. What did the chef say to the salad?
                                                                                                      You're old enough to dress yourself.

                                                                                                      1. What do you call a cow with three legs?... lean beef!

                                                                                                        What do you call a cow with no legs?..... ground beef!

                                                                                                        What do you call a cow that just had a baby?.... decalfinated!

                                                                                                        (My dad loves cow jokes... heard these nonstop as a kid)

                                                                                                        1. *What do you call cows with a sense of humor?
                                                                                                          Laughing stock
                                                                                                          *What do cows do for entertainment?
                                                                                                          They go to the moo-vies
                                                                                                          *What is a cows favorite recording artist?
                                                                                                          The Moo-dy Blues

                                                                                                          1 Reply
                                                                                                          1. re: ChefNNod

                                                                                                            What do you call an unhappy cow?.... Moo-dy

                                                                                                          2. from my 8 year old nephew who thought it was hysterical even though he didn't know what it meant:

                                                                                                            what do you get when you cross a roman emperor with a head of lettuce
                                                                                                            caesar salad of course.

                                                                                                            1. An existentialist walks into a pizza parlor. He tells the guy behind the counter, "Make me one with everything."

                                                                                                              Think about it....think about it....

                                                                                                              2 Replies
                                                                                                                1. re: PotatoHouse

                                                                                                                  The same man paid for his pizza with a $20 bill. He asked for his change, but the waiter said "Sorry, change has to come from within"

                                                                                                                2. --Why does the Frenchman use only one egg in his omelette?

                                                                                                                  --Because one egg is un oeuf.

                                                                                                                  1. So here is Ollie, lying on his death bed. And he makes a last request. As a good son of the church, he would like to take his final breath in the church. The minister supported this and they took him to the basement.

                                                                                                                    The ladies of the church were almost finished preparing the repast when he smelled his favorite lutefisk. Struggling out of bed, he crawled into the kitchen, pulled himself up to the table and had a piece in his hand when Elsie spied him.

                                                                                                                    "Ollie you bad boy. Put that back. You know those are for after the funeral."

                                                                                                                    Heard during Easter service in Wisconsin.

                                                                                                                    2 Replies
                                                                                                                    1. re: INDIANRIVERFL

                                                                                                                      Maybe have a look at Meowzerz about 10 posts up. His version has the wife as the antagonist - pretty hilarious!

                                                                                                                      1. re: porker

                                                                                                                        The way I heard this joke, the setup is that the old Jewish guy (or Ollie, if you prefer) has not been feeling well and is sure he's dying. He doesn't eat; he doesn't drink; he's depressed and miserable. His wife gives him an enthusiastic pep talk: "Don't worry! You're fine! Don't talk this way! You'll live a good long life."

                                                                                                                        He cheers up and says, "You know, you're right. I'm even feeling a little better. You know what I'd like to have? A little bit of that cherry strudel that you have in the freezer."

                                                                                                                        She says, "You can't have any; I'm saving it for the shiva."

                                                                                                                      1. Then there was the one about the cannibal who passed a missionary in the forest...

                                                                                                                        1 Reply
                                                                                                                        1. re: eclecticsynergy

                                                                                                                          A football coach desperate to find a potential quarterback on the first day of school, hands a ball to the first student he sees and asks,
                                                                                                                          "Son, do you think you can pass this?"
                                                                                                                          The kid blurts out,
                                                                                                                          "Coach, I don't even think I can swallow it.''

                                                                                                                        2. John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was.
                                                                                                                          She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.
                                                                                                                          Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
                                                                                                                          Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
                                                                                                                          About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said.
                                                                                                                          "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
                                                                                                                          "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
                                                                                                                          Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
                                                                                                                          "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now...
                                                                                                                          Love, Mom