So here is Ollie, lying on his death bed. And he makes a last request. As a good son of the church, he would like to take his final breath in the church. The minister supported this and they took him to the basement.
The ladies of the church were almost finished preparing the repast when he smelled his favorite lutefisk. Struggling out of bed, he crawled into the kitchen, pulled himself up to the table and had a piece in his hand when Elsie spied him.
"Ollie you bad boy. Put that back. You know those are for after the funeral."
Heard during Easter service in Wisconsin.
The way I heard this joke, the setup is that the old Jewish guy (or Ollie, if you prefer) has not been feeling well and is sure he's dying. He doesn't eat; he doesn't drink; he's depressed and miserable. His wife gives him an enthusiastic pep talk: "Don't worry! You're fine! Don't talk this way! You'll live a good long life."
He cheers up and says, "You know, you're right. I'm even feeling a little better. You know what I'd like to have? A little bit of that cherry strudel that you have in the freezer."
She says, "You can't have any; I'm saving it for the shiva."
Okay, this is no two-liner, but I think it's hilarious. Take from the book "Old Jews Telling Jokes":
The old man is dying. He calls his son into his bedroom. "Sammy," he says, " I can smell all the way up here that your mother is downstairs in the kitchen, baking rugelach. You know that your mother's rugelach is my favorite thing in the world. I'm sure that this will be the last thing I ever eat. Would you please go downstairs and get me some?"
Sammy leaves the room.
Five minutes go by. Ten minutes.
Fifteen minutes later, Sammy returns to his father's bedside, empty-handed.
"Sammy," the old man says, "Where's the rugelach?"
"Pop" Sammy says sheepishly, "Mom says they're for after the funeral."
A man is watching Johnny playing in the yard. The boy swats & kills a honeybee. The father says "Johnny, its not right to kill stuff. You're not allowed to eat honey for a month."
Some time later, he sees Johnny catch a butterfly and rip its wings off.
"What'd I say? Its not right to kill stuff. You're not allowed to eat butter for a month."
Later on, they're in the kitchen where Johnny's mom is preparing dinner. A cockroack darts from under the fridge and the mother squashes it with her foot.
Johnny looks at his dad and says "You wanna tell her, or should I?"
A guy is in court accused of eating an endangered bird, a spotted owl.
The judge says, "the evidence certainly doesn't look very good; you were observed shooting, methodically plucking, and roasting a spotted owl. The game warden watched as you consumed the bird, all of which is quite illegal. What do you have to say? How do you plead?"
"I plead innocent, your honor," the man replied, "I was lost in the woods for more than a week and hod not eaten in that time. I only ate the bird because I was starving."
The judge buys the story and proclaims the man innocent. He leans over, in a hushed voice asks "I've always wondered, what does spotted owl taste like?"
The man shrugs and says "Nothing special, tastes just like bald eagle."
Here's an old favorite from a bbq board that I frequent:
THE CHILI COOK-OFF
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those
of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually
have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a
major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was
an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy;
and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted and became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to
look HOT .... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted
to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
Do funny stories count?
(young) waiter walks into the kitchen "porker, some guy wants 'farmer john cheese' "
"He wants *what*"
"farmer john cheese"
"you're kidding, right?"
"No, thats what he asked for."
"OK....whats he eating?"
"Ahhhh, by any chance could've he said 'PARMESAN cheese'?"
"...oh, I dunno...I guess so..."
"get the hell outta here, FARMER john"
I got a million...
(young) waitress walks into the kitchen "porker, can you describe the soup?" - this about a half hour after I mark up the special board.
"The soup of the day, you know, the "cheapskate chowder."
"Yeah, I know, CHEAPSKATE sounds weird."
"Thats *Chesapeake*, as in Chesapeake Bay as in Maryland ...."
One that I heard (literally)
Cheese seller in supermarket: "Yes ma'am can I help you"
Elderly Woman (in thick German Accent): "Ja, I vant two pounds of Boar Kase."
Seller "Beg you pardon?"
Woman "Boar Kase, two pounds of Boar Kase"
Seller "Oh you mean Boerkaas, Sure thing. Goes to get the wheel of Boerkaas (a kind of Gouda)
Woman, "Nein, I don't vant that I vant some Boar Kase"
Seller "This IS Boerkass!"
Woman "Nein, Nein nein, Zat's de Boar Kase" points to the cheese display in the deli case (next to the Cheese counter, where there is......a large block of Boar's Head American. "Two pounds, please"
And while I don't have the courage to actually say the whole thing, I once witnessed a variation of the "cheapskate chowder" even that was really hilarios. It so happens that one of the Chinese resturaunts I frequnet has a dish that is called (on the English side of the menu) "Fu Kan fried rice" (I've always assumed it's a bad transliteration of "Fukien". On a regualr basis when someone walks in an want to order it the say "Give me some.........." well I think you can guess the rest.
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
"Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one,'"replied the man. He turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Mentioned this one on another thread awhile back...
Salesman drives up to a farm and notices a friendly pig with only 3 legs and missing an ear and tail.
He asks the farmer what happened.
Farmer says, "We had a fire in the house while we were sleeping. That there pig stormed into the house and raised the alarm, waking us up. We would all have died if it weren't for him."
"So thats how he lost the leg?"
"Naw....I was hunting awhile back and the pig followed me. Deep in the woods, a bear jumped out and attacked me. The pig drove him off, saving my life!"
"So THATS how he lost the leg, with the bear?"
"Well, how did he lose the leg?"
"I tell you, a pig that good, well, you don't eat him all at once."
Why did the man stare at the can of orange juice instead of making it?
It said "concentrate."
Why did all the kids in class eat their homework?
Their teacher said it would be a piece of cake.
How can you tell if a potato is a prostitute?
Look for the label that says Idaho.
I recently read somewhere that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started. So far today I've finished a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Scotch, a box of chocolates and a pint of ice cream...
Again, not a joke, but funny; well, at least to this grammar school kid in the late 60s/very early 70s.
"McDonald’s is your kind of place
Hamburgers in your face
French fries between your toes
Dill pickles up your nose
And now here come the frosted shakes
Made from polluted lakes
McDonald’s is your kind of place."
Here's the version I know, equally appealing to the grammar-school sensibility, and evidently meant to be sung to the same tune. I learned it from the kids at a camp where I was a counselor in the mid-70's:
McDonald's is my kind of place
They fry rattlesnakes.
The last time I was there
They fried my underwear.
I do not care!
It was my dirty pair.
McDonald's is my kind of place.
Orange you gonna say banana?
Absolutely, guaranteed to drive my kids insane!