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Food Jokes

PotatoHouse Nov 11, 2012 03:03 PM

"Why did the man take a plum out for the evening?"

"Because he couldn't find a Date."

Ba-dum-dum

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  1. j
    Jeri L RE: PotatoHouse Nov 11, 2012 04:24 PM

    Pi r squared.

    No...pi r not squared, pi r round. Cornbread r squared.

    3 Replies
    1. re: Jeri L
      ttoommyy RE: Jeri L Nov 12, 2012 10:56 AM

      I like that one! Never heard it before.

      1. re: Jeri L
        goodhealthgourmet RE: Jeri L Nov 12, 2012 11:17 AM

        i like that one :)

        What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin pi.

        1. re: goodhealthgourmet
          ttoommyy RE: goodhealthgourmet Nov 12, 2012 11:34 AM

          And it's the perfect season for that one, too!

      2. Veggo RE: PotatoHouse Nov 11, 2012 04:44 PM

        From my grandma when I was a tyke: What kind of a noise annoys an oyster? A noisy noise annoys an oyster.

        1. ttoommyy RE: PotatoHouse Nov 11, 2012 04:47 PM

          We're having honeymoon salad with dinner.
          What's honeymoon salad?
          Lettuce alone.

          4 Replies
          1. re: ttoommyy
            s
            small h RE: ttoommyy Nov 11, 2012 04:54 PM

            With no dressing.

            1. re: small h
              ttoommyy RE: small h Nov 11, 2012 05:29 PM

              Ah yes. Forgot that part!

              1. re: ttoommyy
                suzigirl RE: ttoommyy Nov 11, 2012 05:33 PM

                Oh that's cute.

                1. re: ttoommyy
                  s
                  small h RE: ttoommyy Nov 11, 2012 07:07 PM

                  It's important! I love that joke. Puns are awesome.

            2. tcamp RE: PotatoHouse Nov 11, 2012 07:18 PM

              Knock knock.
              Who's there.
              Banana
              Banana who....

              Knock knock.
              Who's there.
              Banana
              Banana who....

              Knock knock.
              Who's there.
              Banana
              Banana who...

              Knock knock
              Who's there
              Banana
              Banana who....

              Knock knock
              Who's there
              Banana
              Banana who...

              Knock knock
              Whose there
              Orange.
              Orange who?
              Orange you gonna say banana?

              Absolutely, guaranteed to drive my kids insane!

              2 Replies
              1. re: tcamp
                h
                HDinCentralME RE: tcamp Nov 15, 2012 06:26 AM

                The version I heard as a kid was "Orange you glad I *didn't* say banana".

                1. re: HDinCentralME
                  melpy RE: HDinCentralME Dec 1, 2012 02:11 PM

                  +1

              2. pinehurst RE: PotatoHouse Nov 12, 2012 10:48 AM

                Along the lines of the honeymoon/marriage joke.

                "I cantaloupe with you."

                "Oh, honeydew!"

                1 Reply
                1. re: pinehurst
                  John E. RE: pinehurst Dec 2, 2012 11:17 AM

                  What did the girl melon say to the boy melon?

                  "We're too young, we cantaloupe".

                2. ttoommyy RE: PotatoHouse Nov 12, 2012 10:53 AM

                  Can't remember this one exactly, but here goes:

                  What did the bottle of Thousand Island say to the jar of mayo in the refrigerator?

                  Shut the door! Can't you see I'm dressing?

                  1. ttoommyy RE: PotatoHouse Nov 12, 2012 10:53 AM

                    Not really a joke per se, but if you mouth the words "olive juice" to someone it looks like you are saying "I love you." Don't ask me why one would do this, but it's kind of funny. Well, maybe.

                    2 Replies
                    1. re: ttoommyy
                      suzigirl RE: ttoommyy Nov 12, 2012 10:57 AM

                      My ex boyfriend used to say elephant food. Looks like I love you also.

                      1. re: ttoommyy
                        njmarshall55 RE: ttoommyy Nov 12, 2012 02:54 PM

                        Aisle of View, too.

                      2. pinehurst RE: PotatoHouse Nov 12, 2012 11:07 AM

                        Two cashews walk into a bar in a rough part of town.
                        One was a salted.

                        1. jmcarthur8 RE: PotatoHouse Nov 12, 2012 11:09 AM

                          Why did the cinnamon roll?

                          Because it saw the apple turnover.

                          2 Replies
                          1. re: jmcarthur8
                            goodhealthgourmet RE: jmcarthur8 Nov 12, 2012 01:18 PM

                            Why didn't the sesame seed leave the casino?
                            Because he was on a roll.

                            1. re: jmcarthur8
                              vanderb RE: jmcarthur8 Nov 22, 2012 12:47 AM

                              How do you make a Swiss roll?

                              Push him off a mountain.

                            2. ttoommyy RE: PotatoHouse Nov 12, 2012 11:36 AM

                              Again, not a joke, but funny; well, at least to this grammar school kid in the late 60s/very early 70s.

                              "McDonald’s is your kind of place
                              Hamburgers in your face
                              French fries between your toes
                              Dill pickles up your nose
                              And now here come the frosted shakes
                              Made from polluted lakes
                              McDonald’s is your kind of place."

                              1 Reply
                              1. re: ttoommyy
                                p
                                Pumpkinseed RE: ttoommyy Nov 14, 2012 09:07 AM

                                Here's the version I know, equally appealing to the grammar-school sensibility, and evidently meant to be sung to the same tune. I learned it from the kids at a camp where I was a counselor in the mid-70's:

                                McDonald's is my kind of place
                                They fry rattlesnakes.
                                The last time I was there
                                They fried my underwear.
                                I do not care!
                                It was my dirty pair.
                                McDonald's is my kind of place.

                              2. goodhealthgourmet RE: PotatoHouse Nov 12, 2012 11:36 AM

                                Why did the man stare at the can of orange juice instead of making it?
                                It said "concentrate."

                                Why did all the kids in class eat their homework?
                                Their teacher said it would be a piece of cake.

                                How can you tell if a potato is a prostitute?
                                Look for the label that says Idaho.

                                I recently read somewhere that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started. So far today I've finished a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Scotch, a box of chocolates and a pint of ice cream...

                                1 Reply
                                1. re: goodhealthgourmet
                                  kubasd RE: goodhealthgourmet Nov 12, 2012 06:57 PM

                                  *like*

                                2. r
                                  ricepad RE: PotatoHouse Nov 12, 2012 06:21 PM

                                  What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

                                  Anybody can roast beef.

                                  (This is particularly hilarious to a bunch of third graders.)

                                  1 Reply
                                  1. re: ricepad
                                    Delucacheesemonger RE: ricepad Nov 22, 2012 12:46 AM

                                    Got a LOL out of an old guy as well.

                                  2. Chinon00 RE: PotatoHouse Nov 12, 2012 06:47 PM

                                    What did the jar of mayonnaise say when I open the refrigerator? "Close the door, I'm dressing."

                                    1. Chinon00 RE: PotatoHouse Nov 12, 2012 06:51 PM

                                      Heard the proprietor of a French restaurant exclaim once: "that's an oxymoron, like: Italian fine dining".

                                      1. k
                                        kcshigekawa RE: PotatoHouse Nov 13, 2012 04:07 PM

                                        A grasshopper walked into a bar, and sat down near the bartender.

                                        The bartender said "Say, did you know we've got a drink named after you?"

                                        "That's ridiculous" said the grasshopper. "Why would anyone name a drink 'Bob'?"

                                        3 Replies
                                        1. re: kcshigekawa
                                          porker RE: kcshigekawa Nov 13, 2012 04:26 PM

                                          A termite walks into a bar and says "is the bartender here?"

                                          1. re: porker
                                            k
                                            kcshigekawa RE: porker Nov 13, 2012 04:29 PM

                                            *snert*

                                            1. re: kcshigekawa
                                              porker RE: kcshigekawa Nov 14, 2012 04:51 AM

                                              A mushroom walks into bar.
                                              The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food here."
                                              The mushroom says "awwww come on...I'm a fun-guy."

                                        2. pinehurst RE: PotatoHouse Nov 14, 2012 09:30 AM

                                          Two snowmen in the front yard are having a chat. One says to the other: "Funny, I smell carrots too".

                                          5 Replies
                                          1. re: pinehurst
                                            porker RE: pinehurst Nov 14, 2012 10:28 AM

                                            Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

                                            1. re: porker
                                              j
                                              jumpingmonk RE: porker Nov 17, 2012 04:06 PM

                                              Cannibal Football coach calls the team over after practice. "Team come over here, take a knee"
                                              Quarterback "Thanks, I could use a post-practice snack"

                                              1. re: jumpingmonk
                                                ttoommyy RE: jumpingmonk Nov 21, 2012 04:40 PM

                                                So politically incorrect...and funny!

                                              2. re: porker
                                                jmckee RE: porker Nov 28, 2012 09:31 AM

                                                What do cannibals have for dessert? Farmer Fannie.

                                                1. re: porker
                                                  John E. RE: porker Dec 2, 2012 11:25 AM

                                                  Two cannibals are eating lunch. One cannibal says to the other, "I hate my boss". The other cannibal says, "then just eat the noodles".

                                              3. porker RE: PotatoHouse Nov 15, 2012 06:46 AM

                                                Mentioned this one on another thread awhile back...

                                                Salesman drives up to a farm and notices a friendly pig with only 3 legs and missing an ear and tail.
                                                He asks the farmer what happened.
                                                Farmer says, "We had a fire in the house while we were sleeping. That there pig stormed into the house and raised the alarm, waking us up. We would all have died if it weren't for him."
                                                "So thats how he lost the leg?"
                                                "Naw....I was hunting awhile back and the pig followed me. Deep in the woods, a bear jumped out and attacked me. The pig drove him off, saving my life!"
                                                "So THATS how he lost the leg, with the bear?"
                                                "Nope."
                                                "Well, how did he lose the leg?"
                                                "I tell you, a pig that good, well, you don't eat him all at once."

                                                3 Replies
                                                1. re: porker
                                                  Chinon00 RE: porker Nov 15, 2012 11:21 AM

                                                  Lol nice

                                                  1. re: porker
                                                    jmckee RE: porker Nov 28, 2012 09:32 AM

                                                    That is one of my favorite jokes. It was told to me by an actor friend of mine who made it a big, lovely piece of solo theater.

                                                    1. re: porker
                                                      l
                                                      latindancer RE: porker Dec 3, 2012 05:30 PM

                                                      Lmao.

                                                    2. Stephanie Wong RE: PotatoHouse Nov 17, 2012 10:06 AM

                                                      If you're a royal and eat too much pumpkin, you'll become Sir Circumference

                                                      1. c
                                                        ChefNNod RE: PotatoHouse Nov 18, 2012 02:49 PM

                                                        An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
                                                        The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
                                                        "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly."
                                                        The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
                                                        The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns."
                                                        "Do you mean a rose?"
                                                        "Yes, that's the one,'"replied the man. He turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

                                                        5 Replies
                                                        1. re: ChefNNod
                                                          porker RE: ChefNNod Nov 19, 2012 08:34 AM

                                                          3 couples are sitting around the table enjoying dinner.
                                                          "Pass the sugar, sweetie." says one man to his wife.
                                                          Not to be shown-up, the second guy turns to his wife and says "pass the bread, cupcake."
                                                          Third guy, under pressure blurts out to his wife "pass the pork you pig."

                                                          1. re: porker
                                                            l
                                                            latindancer RE: porker Nov 21, 2012 11:31 PM

                                                            LOL!

                                                            Laughing out loud at this one :).

                                                            1. re: porker
                                                              t
                                                              thymeoz RE: porker Nov 28, 2012 06:22 AM

                                                              hysterical

                                                              1. re: porker
                                                                d
                                                                dratlover RE: porker Dec 2, 2012 10:49 AM

                                                                Dang! I was drinking coffee when I read that. I almost choked.

                                                              2. re: ChefNNod
                                                                ttoommyy RE: ChefNNod Nov 21, 2012 04:43 PM

                                                                Ha!!! Funny!

                                                              3. Dax RE: PotatoHouse Nov 21, 2012 08:43 AM

                                                                http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9B3TN2...

                                                                Look at that S car go!

                                                                1. b
                                                                  Bkeats RE: PotatoHouse Nov 21, 2012 02:28 PM

                                                                  I don't know any food jokes. Just dirty jokes. Hangs head in shame....

                                                                  3 Replies
                                                                  1. re: Bkeats
                                                                    ttoommyy RE: Bkeats Nov 21, 2012 04:42 PM

                                                                    None that combine the two? ;)

                                                                    1. re: ttoommyy
                                                                      r
                                                                      ricepad RE: ttoommyy Nov 21, 2012 07:14 PM

                                                                      What do a woman and jell-o have in common?

                                                                      1. re: ricepad
                                                                        ttoommyy RE: ricepad Nov 21, 2012 10:30 PM

                                                                        I can think of many things...

                                                                  2. pinehurst RE: PotatoHouse Nov 21, 2012 05:29 PM

                                                                    Psychiatrist: What's your problem?
                                                                    Patient: Doctor, I think I'm a chicken.
                                                                    Psychiatrist: How have you felt this way?
                                                                    Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

                                                                    2 Replies
                                                                    1. re: pinehurst
                                                                      jmckee RE: pinehurst Nov 28, 2012 09:31 AM

                                                                      Husband: My wife thinks she's a chicken.
                                                                      Psychiatrist: OK...Why isn't SHE here? I can't help her if she's not here.
                                                                      Husband: We need the eggs.

                                                                      1. re: jmckee
                                                                        Meowzerz RE: jmckee Dec 1, 2012 07:36 PM

                                                                        Annie Hall!

                                                                    2. v
                                                                      Vidute RE: PotatoHouse Nov 21, 2012 05:52 PM

                                                                      What is a cannibal’s favorite food? Baked Beings.

                                                                      1 Reply
                                                                      1. re: Vidute
                                                                        goodhealthgourmet RE: Vidute Nov 21, 2012 08:32 PM

                                                                        and when he's full, he couldn't possibly eat another mortal.

                                                                      2. DuchessNukem RE: PotatoHouse Nov 21, 2012 10:51 PM

                                                                        I bought a box of animal crackers, and it said on it, 'Do not eat if seal is broken.' So I opened up the box, and sure enough...

                                                                        1. porker RE: PotatoHouse Nov 22, 2012 03:40 AM

                                                                          Do funny stories count?
                                                                          (young) waiter walks into the kitchen "porker, some guy wants 'farmer john cheese' "
                                                                          "He wants *what*"
                                                                          "farmer john cheese"
                                                                          "you're kidding, right?"
                                                                          "No, thats what he asked for."
                                                                          "OK....whats he eating?"
                                                                          "Jambalaya pasta."
                                                                          "Ahhhh, by any chance could've he said 'PARMESAN cheese'?"
                                                                          "...oh, I dunno...I guess so..."
                                                                          "get the hell outta here, FARMER john"

                                                                          7 Replies
                                                                          1. re: porker
                                                                            Delucacheesemonger RE: porker Nov 22, 2012 04:28 AM

                                                                            Love it !

                                                                            1. re: Delucacheesemonger
                                                                              porker RE: Delucacheesemonger Nov 22, 2012 06:46 AM

                                                                              I got a million...
                                                                              (young) waitress walks into the kitchen "porker, can you describe the soup?" - this about a half hour after I mark up the special board.
                                                                              "Which soup?"
                                                                              "The soup of the day, you know, the "cheapskate chowder."
                                                                              "WHAT?"
                                                                              "Yeah, I know, CHEAPSKATE sounds weird."
                                                                              "Thats *Chesapeake*, as in Chesapeake Bay as in Maryland ...."
                                                                              "oh..."

                                                                              1. re: porker
                                                                                j
                                                                                jumpingmonk RE: porker Nov 22, 2012 08:31 AM

                                                                                One that I heard (literally)

                                                                                Cheese seller in supermarket: "Yes ma'am can I help you"

                                                                                Elderly Woman (in thick German Accent): "Ja, I vant two pounds of Boar Kase."

                                                                                Seller "Beg you pardon?"

                                                                                Woman "Boar Kase, two pounds of Boar Kase"

                                                                                Seller "Oh you mean Boerkaas, Sure thing. Goes to get the wheel of Boerkaas (a kind of Gouda)

                                                                                Woman, "Nein, I don't vant that I vant some Boar Kase"

                                                                                Seller "This IS Boerkass!"

                                                                                Woman "Nein, Nein nein, Zat's de Boar Kase" points to the cheese display in the deli case (next to the Cheese counter, where there is......a large block of Boar's Head American. "Two pounds, please"

                                                                                And while I don't have the courage to actually say the whole thing, I once witnessed a variation of the "cheapskate chowder" even that was really hilarios. It so happens that one of the Chinese resturaunts I frequnet has a dish that is called (on the English side of the menu) "Fu Kan fried rice" (I've always assumed it's a bad transliteration of "Fukien". On a regualr basis when someone walks in an want to order it the say "Give me some.........." well I think you can guess the rest.

                                                                                1. re: jumpingmonk
                                                                                  j
                                                                                  Jeri L RE: jumpingmonk Nov 22, 2012 09:29 AM

                                                                                  Which reminds me of walking by a cafe. A guy sitting inside gave me a smile. I smiled back, broadly...he didn't realize that he was sitting behind a sign that said, "Hot Reuben $3.95"

                                                                                  1. re: jumpingmonk
                                                                                    porker RE: jumpingmonk Nov 22, 2012 10:51 AM

                                                                                    Could do a SNL skit:
                                                                                    "Sorry, no more Fu Kan fried rice."
                                                                                    "Whaddya mean, 'no more Fu Kan rice' ?"
                                                                                    "Like I said, no Fu Kan rice....want some Fu Kan noodle instead?"
                                                                                    "Fu Kan, no. Maybe wong fook king noodle?"

                                                                                    1. re: porker
                                                                                      l
                                                                                      latindancer RE: porker Nov 22, 2012 11:24 AM

                                                                                      <Could do a SNL skit>

                                                                                      :). Seriously.
                                                                                      As i lift a glass every Thanksgiving to the late John Belushi....he would be perfect for the role.
                                                                                      There's nothing like a great sense of humor and you're proof of it.

                                                                                      1. re: latindancer
                                                                                        j
                                                                                        jumpingmonk RE: latindancer Nov 22, 2012 04:18 PM

                                                                                        Ironically there IS a Chinese resturant I know off (different one) that is called Foo King.

                                                                            2. enbell RE: PotatoHouse Nov 27, 2012 05:43 PM

                                                                              IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

                                                                              1. suzigirl RE: PotatoHouse Nov 27, 2012 06:18 PM

                                                                                Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the casino? Because he was on a roll

                                                                                What do you get when you put three ducks in a box? A box of quackers

                                                                                1. c
                                                                                  Cheez62 RE: PotatoHouse Nov 27, 2012 10:36 PM

                                                                                  Here's an old favorite from a bbq board that I frequent:

                                                                                  THE CHILI COOK-OFF

                                                                                  Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
                                                                                  first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those
                                                                                  of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually
                                                                                  have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a
                                                                                  major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was
                                                                                  an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from
                                                                                  Springfield, IL.

                                                                                  Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
                                                                                  cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
                                                                                  happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions
                                                                                  to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
                                                                                  two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy;
                                                                                  and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
                                                                                  accepted and became Judge 3."

                                                                                  Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

                                                                                  CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
                                                                                  Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
                                                                                  Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
                                                                                  Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
                                                                                  remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
                                                                                  out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

                                                                                  CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
                                                                                  Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
                                                                                  Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
                                                                                  Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
                                                                                  I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
                                                                                  give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
                                                                                  the look on my face.

                                                                                  CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN
                                                                                  Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
                                                                                  Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
                                                                                  Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
                                                                                  like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
                                                                                  beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
                                                                                  the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the
                                                                                  beer.

                                                                                  CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
                                                                                  Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
                                                                                  Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
                                                                                  other mild foods, not much of a chili.
                                                                                  Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
                                                                                  taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
                                                                                  standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to
                                                                                  look HOT .... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
                                                                                  aphrodisiac?

                                                                                  CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
                                                                                  Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
                                                                                  considerable kick. Very impressive.
                                                                                  Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
                                                                                  the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
                                                                                  Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
                                                                                  can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
                                                                                  paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
                                                                                  had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
                                                                                  beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
                                                                                  off.
                                                                                  It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
                                                                                  Screw them.

                                                                                  CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
                                                                                  Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
                                                                                  and peppers.
                                                                                  Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
                                                                                  Superb.
                                                                                  Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
                                                                                  sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
                                                                                  will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a
                                                                                  snowcone.

                                                                                  CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
                                                                                  Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
                                                                                  Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
                                                                                  chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
                                                                                  about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
                                                                                  cursing uncontrollably.
                                                                                  Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
                                                                                  wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
                                                                                  sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
                                                                                  slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
                                                                                  shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
                                                                                  I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
                                                                                  getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

                                                                                  CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
                                                                                  Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
                                                                                  but spicy enough to declare its existence.
                                                                                  Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
                                                                                  hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
                                                                                  out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
                                                                                  if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted
                                                                                  to really hot chili?
                                                                                  Judge # 3 - No Report

                                                                                  5 Replies
                                                                                  1. re: Cheez62
                                                                                    porker RE: Cheez62 Nov 28, 2012 03:32 AM

                                                                                    How do you follow an act like that?

                                                                                    An Inuit has an accident, falling onto icicles, and later passing away.

                                                                                    Cause of death: too many cold cuts....

                                                                                    1. re: Cheez62
                                                                                      goodhealthgourmet RE: Cheez62 Dec 1, 2012 02:39 PM

                                                                                      this had me HOWLING. thanks so much for posting it!

                                                                                      1. re: Cheez62
                                                                                        jmcarthur8 RE: Cheez62 Dec 1, 2012 07:49 PM

                                                                                        Thank you you, Cheez! I read it aloud to Hubby, and now the sides of my face are sore from grinning.
                                                                                        ;-)

                                                                                        1. re: Cheez62
                                                                                          KaimukiMan RE: Cheez62 Dec 6, 2012 02:55 AM

                                                                                          i have to stop laughing, its 1 in the morning and i need to go to bed.

                                                                                          1. re: KaimukiMan
                                                                                            c
                                                                                            Cheez62 RE: KaimukiMan Dec 7, 2012 07:47 PM

                                                                                            I'm glad that people think it's funny. Hope you got some sleep ;-)

                                                                                        2. porker RE: PotatoHouse Nov 28, 2012 11:42 AM

                                                                                          A guy is in court accused of eating an endangered bird, a spotted owl.
                                                                                          The judge says, "the evidence certainly doesn't look very good; you were observed shooting, methodically plucking, and roasting a spotted owl. The game warden watched as you consumed the bird, all of which is quite illegal. What do you have to say? How do you plead?"

                                                                                          "I plead innocent, your honor," the man replied, "I was lost in the woods for more than a week and hod not eaten in that time. I only ate the bird because I was starving."

                                                                                          The judge buys the story and proclaims the man innocent. He leans over, in a hushed voice asks "I've always wondered, what does spotted owl taste like?"
                                                                                          The man shrugs and says "Nothing special, tastes just like bald eagle."

                                                                                          1 Reply
                                                                                          1. re: porker
                                                                                            j
                                                                                            jumpingmonk RE: porker Nov 28, 2012 01:25 PM

                                                                                            When I heard it it was "sorta like a cross between Bald eagle and Whooping Crane"

                                                                                          2. suzigirl RE: PotatoHouse Dec 1, 2012 12:08 PM

                                                                                            What can you throw but you can't catch? A party. Damn, I'm funny.

                                                                                            2 Replies
                                                                                            1. re: suzigirl
                                                                                              porker RE: suzigirl Dec 1, 2012 01:50 PM

                                                                                              I guess 'party' can be food related...

                                                                                              1. re: porker
                                                                                                suzigirl RE: porker Dec 1, 2012 02:43 PM

                                                                                                Here. This is better.
                                                                                                What did the chick say to the mama hen when she laid an orange? Look at the orange marmalade.
                                                                                                What did the farmer say to the green pumpkin? Why orange you orange?

                                                                                            2. porker RE: PotatoHouse Dec 1, 2012 02:02 PM

                                                                                              A man is watching Johnny playing in the yard. The boy swats & kills a honeybee. The father says "Johnny, its not right to kill stuff. You're not allowed to eat honey for a month."
                                                                                              Some time later, he sees Johnny catch a butterfly and rip its wings off.
                                                                                              "What'd I say? Its not right to kill stuff. You're not allowed to eat butter for a month."
                                                                                              Later on, they're in the kitchen where Johnny's mom is preparing dinner. A cockroack darts from under the fridge and the mother squashes it with her foot.
                                                                                              Johnny looks at his dad and says "You wanna tell her, or should I?"

                                                                                              2 Replies
                                                                                              1. re: porker
                                                                                                goodhealthgourmet RE: porker Dec 1, 2012 02:42 PM

                                                                                                [chuckle]

                                                                                                1. re: porker
                                                                                                  suzigirl RE: porker Dec 1, 2012 02:47 PM

                                                                                                  To funny

                                                                                                2. Meowzerz RE: PotatoHouse Dec 1, 2012 07:44 PM

                                                                                                  Okay, this is no two-liner, but I think it's hilarious. Take from the book "Old Jews Telling Jokes":

                                                                                                  "Rugelach"
                                                                                                  The old man is dying. He calls his son into his bedroom. "Sammy," he says, " I can smell all the way up here that your mother is downstairs in the kitchen, baking rugelach. You know that your mother's rugelach is my favorite thing in the world. I'm sure that this will be the last thing I ever eat. Would you please go downstairs and get me some?"
                                                                                                  Sammy leaves the room.
                                                                                                  Five minutes go by. Ten minutes.
                                                                                                  Fifteen minutes later, Sammy returns to his father's bedside, empty-handed.
                                                                                                  "Sammy," the old man says, "Where's the rugelach?"
                                                                                                  "Pop" Sammy says sheepishly, "Mom says they're for after the funeral."

                                                                                                  1. suzigirl RE: PotatoHouse Dec 2, 2012 10:03 AM

                                                                                                    What do you call a pig that does karate? A porkchop

                                                                                                    1. roxlet RE: PotatoHouse Dec 3, 2012 05:08 PM

                                                                                                      What did the chef say to the salad?
                                                                                                      You're old enough to dress yourself.

                                                                                                      1. thelittlemiller RE: PotatoHouse Dec 5, 2012 08:58 PM

                                                                                                        What do you call a cow with three legs?... lean beef!

                                                                                                        What do you call a cow with no legs?..... ground beef!

                                                                                                        What do you call a cow that just had a baby?.... decalfinated!

                                                                                                        (My dad loves cow jokes... heard these nonstop as a kid)

                                                                                                        1. c
                                                                                                          ChefNNod RE: PotatoHouse Dec 5, 2012 10:21 PM

                                                                                                          *What do you call cows with a sense of humor?
                                                                                                          Laughing stock
                                                                                                          *What do cows do for entertainment?
                                                                                                          They go to the moo-vies
                                                                                                          *What is a cows favorite recording artist?
                                                                                                          The Moo-dy Blues

                                                                                                          1 Reply
                                                                                                          1. re: ChefNNod
                                                                                                            KaimukiMan RE: ChefNNod Dec 6, 2012 03:21 AM

                                                                                                            What do you call an unhappy cow?.... Moo-dy

                                                                                                          2. KaimukiMan RE: PotatoHouse Dec 6, 2012 03:04 AM

                                                                                                            from my 8 year old nephew who thought it was hysterical even though he didn't know what it meant:

                                                                                                            what do you get when you cross a roman emperor with a head of lettuce
                                                                                                            caesar salad of course.

                                                                                                            1. PotatoHouse RE: PotatoHouse Dec 8, 2012 07:32 AM

                                                                                                              An existentialist walks into a pizza parlor. He tells the guy behind the counter, "Make me one with everything."

                                                                                                              Think about it....think about it....

                                                                                                              1 Reply
                                                                                                              1. re: PotatoHouse
                                                                                                                t
                                                                                                                thymeoz RE: PotatoHouse Dec 8, 2012 12:24 PM

                                                                                                                OMG, too funny.

                                                                                                              2. k
                                                                                                                k_marie RE: PotatoHouse Dec 8, 2012 08:30 AM

                                                                                                                --Why does the Frenchman use only one egg in his omelette?

                                                                                                                --Because one egg is un oeuf.

                                                                                                                1. i
                                                                                                                  INDIANRIVERFL RE: PotatoHouse Dec 8, 2012 11:25 AM

                                                                                                                  So here is Ollie, lying on his death bed. And he makes a last request. As a good son of the church, he would like to take his final breath in the church. The minister supported this and they took him to the basement.

                                                                                                                  The ladies of the church were almost finished preparing the repast when he smelled his favorite lutefisk. Struggling out of bed, he crawled into the kitchen, pulled himself up to the table and had a piece in his hand when Elsie spied him.

                                                                                                                  "Ollie you bad boy. Put that back. You know those are for after the funeral."

                                                                                                                  Heard during Easter service in Wisconsin.

                                                                                                                  2 Replies
                                                                                                                  1. re: INDIANRIVERFL
                                                                                                                    porker RE: INDIANRIVERFL Dec 10, 2012 05:57 AM

                                                                                                                    Maybe have a look at Meowzerz about 10 posts up. His version has the wife as the antagonist - pretty hilarious!

                                                                                                                    1. re: porker
                                                                                                                      p
                                                                                                                      Pumpkinseed RE: porker Dec 14, 2012 11:28 AM

                                                                                                                      The way I heard this joke, the setup is that the old Jewish guy (or Ollie, if you prefer) has not been feeling well and is sure he's dying. He doesn't eat; he doesn't drink; he's depressed and miserable. His wife gives him an enthusiastic pep talk: "Don't worry! You're fine! Don't talk this way! You'll live a good long life."

                                                                                                                      He cheers up and says, "You know, you're right. I'm even feeling a little better. You know what I'd like to have? A little bit of that cherry strudel that you have in the freezer."

                                                                                                                      She says, "You can't have any; I'm saving it for the shiva."

                                                                                                                  2. blue room RE: PotatoHouse Dec 8, 2012 01:01 PM

                                                                                                                    http://www.condenaststore.com/-sp/Thr...

                                                                                                                    1. eclecticsynergy RE: PotatoHouse Dec 9, 2012 02:02 AM

                                                                                                                      Then there was the one about the cannibal who passed a missionary in the forest...

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