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Funniest frozen turkey memories

There must be hundreds/thousands of funny stories about peoples experiences with frozen turkeys. How about putting some of them up?
This is mine. Many many years ago our family was driving into Banff on the 'Old Banff hwy'. Just outside Banff we came upon an eighteen wheeler that was on it's side in the ditch. The accident had just happened. The driver was standing beside his truck. When the trailer landed in the ditch the entire roof of the trailer had opened up like a sardine can. There were hundreds of frozen turkeys everywhere! In the ditch, in the trees, on the road. My dad after checking to see if the driver was OK asked what was going to happen to the turkeys. The driver didn't seem to care so my dad told my mom and us kids to hurry and get every turkey into the car as possible. Fortunately the car was a huge 'Kiaser Fraser'. We must have stuffed a hundred turkeys in the car. I remember driving home with frozen turkeys piled on my lap. What to do with all the turkeys? The turkeys were mostly given to relatives but we ended up with a bunch. We knew someone with a freezer locker but my parents decided to have them all cut in half first before going in the locker. My dad knew someone with a big band saw (remember, these turkeys were huge) and we dropped them off to be cut in half. An hour or so later we went over to get the cut in half turkeys. The man with the band saw had cut the turkeys in half all right. He had cut all of them across ways in stead of length ways! So for months we either had the front half or the back half.
Let's read your funniest turkey story.

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  1. "So for months we either had the front half or the back half."

    I just spit a mouthful of tea all over my monitor!

    1. Awesome story. The front half would be better, right? That's where the drumsticks are?

      My little tale of a sun bath to a still-frozen bird on thanksgiving morning now isn't really worth telling.

      1 Reply
      1. re: tcamp

        I think the drumsticks were attached the 'back half'.

      2. First turkey dinner cooked in the apartment in college. Yes I called my grandmother for recipes and help.

        When pre-heating the oven, make sure the tupperware you have stored in there has been removed. Salvador Dali could have used the resulting dripping mass for a decade of inspiration.

        2 Replies
        1. re: INDIANRIVERFL

          LOL! Would you have called the look on your face when you opened the oven door a Kodak Moment?

          1. re: RelishPDX

            my tupperware moments inspire me to believe he smelled the problem before he saw it.

        2. I like to make a defrosting turkey hand puppet every Thanksgiving morning at 0500. I wake my husband up with it.

          This past year he locked the bedroom door after I got up to cook.

          3 Replies
          1. re: DuchessNukem

            heheheh-my mom and I do a a sort of macabre turkey hustle dance and then pull the neck out for additional gross value. John Waters Style.

            1. re: mmerino

              Have you guys seen Mr. Bean's turkey-castrophe? Yes, the best turkey-stuck-on-the-head scene ever!

            2. re: DuchessNukem

              This is possibly my favorite Chowhound post ever!

              (Missed this thread originally; just saw it now due to the bump)

            3. I know a woman who was in her basement, searching through her chest freezer. To get a better look in there, she removed a frozen turkey, placing it on a shelf next to the freezer. She eventually found what she wanted, but forgot to put the turkey back in. About a month or so later, she was wondering what was smelling down there. She had a festering, rotting turkey carcass on the shelf....
              Another lady I know was doing the same thing - looking through the chest freezer. She dropped the gobbler on her foot, breaking two metatarsels.

              Does anyone remember the WKRP in Cincinatti Thanksgiving turkey giveaway fiasco?

              1 Reply
              1. re: porker

                yes! They dropped live turkeys from a helicopter because Les didn't know they c ouldn't fly.

              2. And to think this was a riff on how the TV dinner was invented!

                1. Mine is funny in the "how could I be so clueless" sense.

                  My husand's company gives the employees turkeys each year. The day the turkeys were passed out, he drove by my office and put it in my car. At the end of the day, I go out to find a starting-to-thaw turkey on the front seat.

                  For some reason, I was convinced it was spoiled (having been out of the freezer for mere hours, in November, in the Northeast) so I threw it out, drove to the grocery store and bought a new one.

                  I had no clue how long it took to thaw a turkey.......

                  Puffin - too funny that he cut the turkeys in the wrong way. Even I would have know "cut in half" would have meant the long way so you were left with two equal halves. My dad would have also road-picked frozen turkeys!

                  1 Reply
                  1. re: cleobeach

                    The guy he went to was an old blacksmith. His business was at the bottom of the 'Cochrane Hill'. Two KM descent. Back then you had to make a 90 degree turn to the left at the bottom or continue straight ahead directly into the old blacksmiths business. Over a few decades his business was destroyed by run away trucks a number of times. He was very old at the time of the 'band saw' episode. Finally the government changed the road so run away trucks usually missed his blacksmith shop. He used to make all the kids 'horseshoe nail rings. My dad used to have a small trucking company and he was a regular customer of 'George'.http://ww2.glenbow.org/search/archive...

                  2. My story is about turkeys, live turkeys that is, not frozen...
                    When we first moved here, in the country, we decided to raise a couple of turkeys because we were told that they would chase the snakes away (there are poisonous vipers around here).
                    They were all-white, not very smart, and growing fast. By October, thanks to the care of our farmhand, they had grown beautifully to what seemed to be more than 30 pounds each .
                    I asked Pilade ( that was his name) if he could tell if they were a male and a female because if so, them being so beautiful, we should breed them. He said that yes, they were indeed a male and a female but we could not breed them.
                    I was puzzled and looked at him with surprise. Well-he said-yes, they are indeed a couple but because they are so big the male cannot jump and perform his duty...

                    At Thanksgiving one of them was so big, about 16 kilos cleaned, that we could not cook it whole in our oven.

                    1. I remember a Thanksgiving where my mother locked the cat in the basement because my grandparents were coming and they hated cats. Unfortunately the cat set up a constant yowel so my mom let him out. He promptly jumped on the table, ran across my grandparents' plates and jumped on top of the just-served turkey and started eating, spread-eagled in the most Garfield-like manner. The look on my grandparents faces are still what epitomizes "apaulled" for me.

                      1 Reply
                      1. re: dianne0712

                        Sounds like Thanksgiving was a catastrophe....
                        Were your grandparents catatonic?
                        Fun story!

                      2. i know the big hill in cochrane - your story is priceless - our family used to get a "turkey certificate" from Dad's boss - so we'd go in to supermarket and choose the BIGGEST frozen turkey - and then my dad would cut it in half (the lengthwise way) with his chainsaw! (it was frozen while this surgery took place) -- you know you're canadian when ...?

                        1 Reply
                        1. My uncle was sent out to get the Thanksgiving turkey. On the way home he got very drunk. So neither he nor the turkey arrived for the holiday. The next morning, they found him sleeping it off in the front seat of his car. In the back seat was the turkey with a blanket over it, 'to keep it warm'.

                          1. Not that this is particularly funny, as the matter of fact I almost strangled my mother in law over it. But several Thanksgivings ago the turkey was my responsibility. It was frozen and it was big, very big. So one method to thaw was to move it to the refrigerator a couple of days prior to cooking.

                            Well the thing was so big, it was a particularly cold November, snow on the ground etc. I took the turkey and left it on a shelf in my garage, which average temp was about 35 degrees and let it thaw. I then cooked it and it was PERFECT.

                            When my mother in law found out my thawing method she insisted I throw the turkey out and refused to allow it to be served. I tried to explain to her 35 degree's is 35 degree's regardless if it's in a refrigerator or not! (the outside temp was below freezing but the garage temp was a steady 35-38ish) She could not understand the science of temperature or the fact a refrigerator isn't some kind of magic disease preventing machine and INSISTED we throw the turkey out. So into our garbage can, outside the house the turkey went.

                            She really, really, really, really pissed me off. She was staying over the house that night....and the next morning I got up to go get bagels etc. While I was driving I saw a road kill squirrel. After picking up the bagels and tracing my path home I was approaching the road kill squirrel and I pulled over. I summoned by inner redneck and I picked up the road kill squirrel with a plastic bag from my trunk and threw him in. I then went home......took the road kill squirrel placed him next to my trash can, took out a turkey leg from my discarded turkey, positioned it on top of the road kill squirrels hand and just left it.

                            Sure enough by mid after noon I hear my mother in law yelling my name...."Bob!! Bob!! Bob!! Come here!!! Come here!!! You have to see this!?!?!?!?!?!" I come running and say "What? What's wrong???" and with all the pride she could muster she say's "See I told you that turkey was no good".

                            I smiled and nodded, yes, yes you were right as always.