HOME > Chowhound > General Topics >

Discussion

Really Dumb Food...!

Every once in a while, when I'm surfing the web, I run into an edible that stops me cold. Are they KIDDING? Well, I got a hit today. Check it out:

http://www.thekitchn.com/edible-spray...

According to this morning's exchange rate, that translates to just under 37 bucks a can. So I can have gold radishes? sheesh! For 25 bucks I can get 100 leaves of edible gold leaf on eBay, and it's a lot more versatile. Oh, well. Watch for it on Cupcake Wars.

I thought it might be fun to have a thread where we can "register" our weird food finds and when we're looking for something kookie, we'll know where to find it. This is my contribution to get things rolling.

  1. Click to Upload a photo (10 MB limit)
Delete
  1. Nothing as weird as that but here are a few.

    Putting gold leaf on candy and baked goods.
    edible panties
    flavored douche liquids
    flavored condoms?
    pop rocks
    unflavored pop rocks
    The concept of a chocolate dress (break a piece off, eat it and say....I like your dress) (Btw, Chocolate starts melting at 94° F...body temp 98.6)
    Most of the products on willpowder.net

    10 Replies
    1. re: Hank Hanover

      Flavored douche? WOW!! Were they flavored or scented? Thank you for the Monday laugh-I needed that!!

      1. re: Hank Hanover

        Edible eatin' britches?? Wonder if they come in biscuit and gravy flavor?

        1. re: Hank Hanover

          edible panties

          ---------------------------------------
          Growing up, there was gift shop (of sorts) that sold "adult" gifts in one section. I remember they sold edible panties. As teenagers, we thought it was the raciest thing ever. From what I remember about the box, it looked like they were made from fruit leather. (Fruit Roll-Ups were popular at the time.)

          1. re: cleobeach

            If I remember right, they were kind of like a "bikini" bottom pantie that tied with skinny licorice whips on each side! Oh my, that was eons ago!

            1. re: boyzoma

              I got married in 1981... 'nuff said...

              (they were red licorice)

              (and they melt)

            2. re: cleobeach

              I can't remember where, but in searching for knit/crochet patterns, I once found a pattern to crochet edible panties out of licorice laces!! I guess it takes all kinds...

              1. re: linguafood

                If you can manage it, toss a couple of pop rocks into a coworker's hot coffee, and stand back.

                1. re: EWSflash

                  Aaaah. Too bad I work from home & like my husband too much :-)

              2. re: Hank Hanover

                The edible gold spray in a can I see as a novelty that happens to be edible, not exactly food. Ditto Pop Rocks.

                The flavored douche I see as a social problem. Isn't it enough that we need to pretend we're hairless from the neck down, we also have to have our hoohas taste like candy? At least flavored condoms can help stop the spread of disease.

              3. Hmmm... I might consider using it on a 50th Anniversary cake, but not on a tomato.

                I will be on the lookout for a contribution to this thread :)

                1. Hi Caroline1, I've been trying to answer this OP for a couple weeks now, and the site wouldn't let me post! Yay, it's fixed, because when I saw this item all I could think of, folks was:
                  The Batter Blaster. It looks like a whipped-cream can, only get this, it's loaded with pancake batter and is designed to sort of blorp out the perfect amount of batter for the perfect-sized pancakes on those days when you'd rather eat your house slippers than cook.
                  Of course, it's ORGANIC so you can feel good about yourself when you buy it.

                  138 Replies
                  1. re: mamachef

                    everything you just wrote made me laugh out loud, thank you!

                    1. re: mamachef

                      That's scary! But it reminds me of another product I've seen. In the Bisquick section, a large plastic jug-jar -- about a quart or so in size -- labeled "Buttermilk Pancakes." I couldn't believe my eyes! My first thought was, "How in the world do they keep the leavening active?" So I picked one up to read the directions... "Add XX cups of water and shake well"!!! I suppose it could be handy for a breakfast tailgate party. And then there are frozen pancakes in the freezer section. Frozen waffles seem okay for people who don't own a waffle iron, but frozen pancakes??? <sigh>

                      You've also answered a question for me. I've been curious why there weren't more responses. Your problem never occurred to me!

                      1. re: Caroline1

                        My dear, are you also familiar with "Uncrustables?" The first time I saw them my head almost exploded: little kids' sandwiches, pbj and cheese and the like, on balloon bread, with the crusts cut off. Wrapped in plastic and for sale in a refrigerator section of your nearest fullservice grocery store. Is that a joke, or what? They look like a sandwich your mother would make if she totally hated you. : )

                        1. re: mamachef

                          And can't you just hear the young mom packing her kid off to school with a couple of those in a Thomas the Train lunch box saying to a friend, "I just won't let Junior eat that crappy cafeteria food. I MAKE his lunch myself!" '-)

                          1. re: Caroline1

                            <...falling out of chair laughing......and then he comes home, to his nice snack of a Ding-dong and some Sunny Delight (it's orange, right? Must be good!!) and his dinner of a cheesefood and ham product casserole sided by white bread with margarine and a glass of Koolaid. And we sit here and wonder why our hyperactive kids with dental problems are growing obese.

                              1. re: mamachef

                                cleverly camoflauged swipe at spam.... try it, you'll like it....

                                1. re: KaimukiMan

                                  Hey, I've eaten it and it's not half-bad in a decent hash on a camping trip. No, the swipe was a completely OT swipe at ALL diets heavy on processed foods.

                            1. re: mamachef

                              I never understood the 'cutting off the crusts' thing...it has to be one of the dopiest food practices ever devised.
                              Besides, the crust was _always_ my favorite part of the bread.

                                1. re: sandylc

                                  I agree that crusts on good bread are yummy, but on run of the mill, packaged, sliced bread (like you would get in a lunchables type of product), they are dry and nasty.

                                2. re: The Professor

                                  Just for the record, cutting the crusts off sandwiches and bread comes out of the tea sandwich tradition. It belongs to the era of "garden parties" and "cotillions" and other fancy occasions. And kids LOVE fancy food. So while you are no longer obligated to choose between watercress and cucumber sandwiches when invited for afternoon tea, you can still get the "elegance" by trimming your crusts. But if you like them, by all means leave them on!

                                  There is a very elegant '60s "loaf sandwich" made especially for elegant buffets in which a whole "sandwich" loaf (baked in a rectangular pan with a flat top to the bread and sometimes even baked in a pan with a lid to it that forces the shape) that is damned good eating to this very day, but very few make it. You take the unsliced sandwich loaf (often brioche) and cut all of the crusts off leaving you with a long uncrusted block of bread. Then you slice it horizontally into long thin slabs. Make a bunch of fillings that you adore BUT they should not sog up the bread. Some typical fillings are a nice spreadable truffled pate or foie gras mousse; pimiento cheese spread, spinach spread made by combining well squeezed spinach (put the spinach in a cloth and wring out all of the moisture) and cream cheese plus a little salt and pepper and herbs of choice. The objective is interesting color contrasts between the layers of fillings AND great flavor. Each vertical slab of bread is spread evenly and fairly thickly (about an eighth to a quarter of an inch) with one colored spread, then another slab of bread with another color spread, etc. ending with a top slab of bread with no spread on it. Then the whole thing is "encased" in a "frosting" of whipped cream cheese just like you would ice a cake. No sandwich showing through! It can then be piped with more of the whipped cream cheese in fancy designs if you wish. Chill until firm. Serve on a long platter with appropriate garnishes and slice two or three slices to get things started. Leave a nice "cake knife" on the platter for folks to help themselves after the starter slices are gone. Every time I have made this, I have PRAYED for leftovers so I can have a taste too but there never are. <sigh> But I DO save the crusts just for me, and they are delicious! With or without spread. Brioche.... mmmmmmm

                                  1. re: Caroline1

                                    The Supersizers Go ... , Seventies episode (Cooking Channel, BBC) sampled such a sandwich loaf. It was part of the Party Food menu (Fish Sandwich Cake).

                                    http://www.youtube.com/watch?list=PLC...

                                    Some kids just don't like the crust. Whether it is something that indulgent parents have abetted or not, kids can be quite sensitive to contrasting textures. Crusts never bothered me, but things like fibers in squash, skin on cocoa, and cream on top of unhomogenized milk made me gag.

                                    1. re: Caroline1

                                      reminds me of the character Cher played in "Mermaids" and all she thought to/could make was "party food" so even simple sandwiches were shaped with cookie cutters

                                      1. re: Caroline1

                                        Caroline1 - My mother used to make a version of that for bridge club! she put things like ham salad in it...

                                        1. re: Caroline1

                                          This sounds absolutely delicious! I must try for my next party. Bonus points because i can make it in advance.

                                        2. re: The Professor

                                          +1- eat the damn crust, for chrissake. And no peeling of apples, either.

                                          1. re: EWSflash

                                            LOL! When my mom used to make apple pie, I _always_ ate the peels. I considered them a treat!

                                            1. re: The Professor

                                              I got so pissed off at my mother when I found her peeling my son's apples and peaches for him when he was a little shaver- it was an obsequious maneuver to make him adore her more, and made life at home tough because I hardly peel anything- fiber and vitamins are good. She never peeled OUR damn fruit except carrots, as I recall, and I've thought about it a lot- not a big peeler except for her Only Grandson. Also she fed him cream like mad that I hope doesn't come back to haunt him in middle age, although he's fit and slender now and knows how to eat in a healthy fashion. Thank the good Lord.

                                              1. re: EWSflash

                                                I consider it my God given right and duty to relentlessly and shamelessly spoil my grand daughter. I cut the crust off her peanut butter sandwich and cut it in quarters without her even asking. She was a late crawler because her grampaw would carry her anywhere she wanted to go and if she wanted to go faster all she had to do was go aggghhh. I would say "enough tummy time!" if she whined. We did eventually teach her to crawl but I'm not sure I liked it.

                                                It never occurred to me to skin her apples just cut them in wedges. She is almost 7 years old. Do you think it is too late for me to start skinning the wedges?

                                                1. re: Hank Hanover

                                                  My god, I am SOOOooooOOooOoOOo glad to hear that they still make grandfathers like they used to many many years ago when I was 7! Good job! Keep up the good work!

                                                  1. re: The Professor

                                                    Me too- if I'm making an apple crisp for the extended family I usually eat the peels as I'm peeling the next one. Shouldn't waste good pectin and tart apple skins, it's a sin, I think.

                                                2. re: The Professor

                                                  crust is the best part on a decent to good piece of bread. but on a bad piece of bread.... notsomuch.

                                                3. re: mamachef

                                                  gonna be completely honest here (and prepared to be flamed for this one)

                                                  but uncrutables are actually kinda delicious when you freeze them

                                                  and try to imagine that theyre not supposed to be a gourmet snack

                                                  1. re: mattstolz

                                                    Hey, if it tastes good, eat it! I think Andrew Zimmern says that, but it's a good philosophy. But I eat some things I would NEVER talk about on Chowhound! '-)

                                                    1. re: Caroline1

                                                      Caroline1, you already copped out to the occasional Jack in the Box taco. : )

                                                      1. re: mamachef

                                                        Shhhhh.... Don't tell anybody I told you this, but there ARE worse culinary sins that a Jack in the Box taco....!!! '-)

                                                        1. re: Caroline1

                                                          That's like throwing down a gauntlet....

                                                            1. re: Caroline1

                                                              Beef Regular Taco Filling Ingredients: Beef, Water, Textured Vegetable Protein
                                                              (Soy Flour, Caramel Color), Defatted Soy Grits, Seasoning [Chili Pepper, Corn
                                                              Maltodextrin, Spices, Bleached Enriched Wheat Flour (Contains Niacin, Reduced
                                                              Iron, Thiamine Mononitrate, Riboflavin, and Folic Acid), Salt, Garlic Powder,
                                                              Hydrolyzed (Corn, Soy, Wheat) Proteins, Monosodium Glutamate, Onion
                                                              Powder, Natural Flavors, Disodium Inosinate, Disodium Guanylate, Succinic
                                                              Acid], Salt, Tomato Paste, Worcestershire Sauce (Distilled Vinegar, Molasses,
                                                              Corn Syrup, Water, Salt, Caramel Color, Garlic Powder, Sugar, Spices,
                                                              Tamarind, Natural Flavor, Sulfiting Agent). Tortillas Ingredients: Ground Corn,
                                                              Water, Lime. Contains Soy, Wheat

                                                                1. re: Caroline1

                                                                  I got this. Generic house brand Vienna Sausages.

                                                          1. re: Caroline1

                                                            Oh shoot- how many of us have outed ourselves on CH? I know I have. Carolyn, you 're a sly fox. I was born totaly bereft of that gene, unfortunately.

                                                          2. re: mattstolz

                                                            I hate to ask but what's an uncrutable?

                                                            1. re: Hank Hanover

                                                              Hey, hank, I think they mean "uncrustable" - a crustless PB&J presumably found in the freezer section of your processed food store....

                                                              1. re: sandylc

                                                                So how much does it cost for 20 cents worth of product? .... $1.79?

                                                              2. re: Hank Hanover

                                                                oops. unCRUSTable.

                                                                but i think i would win this gross food fight with whatever an unCRUTable would be...

                                                              3. re: mattstolz

                                                                Amen, Matt!

                                                                Uncrustables are deee-licious right out of the freezer. (and I don't have to scour a butter knife, and then the sponge or brush to remove all the peanut butter schmutz. Is there anything quite as nasty as unloading the dishwasher and getting a glob of sanitized peanut butter on your hand?

                                                                1. re: AeroDoe

                                                                  LOL! Knife, fork, or spoon, I LICK the peanut butter off my spreader before I even set it down! I thought everybody did. It's in the Escoffier Hand Book! Page 135. '-)

                                                                  1. re: Caroline1

                                                                    haha i have to agree with caroline on that part at least.... my peanut butter spreader is clean before it even makes it to the sink

                                                                    1. re: mattstolz

                                                                      And that's just the way God intended. '-)

                                                                    2. re: Caroline1

                                                                      So is my ice cream bowl and I even know that most people don't bother to lick the bowl. I'm just smarter than most.

                                                                      1. re: Hank Hanover

                                                                        Have you ever sat in a restaurant and wanted to lick a plate or a bowl or whatever, but because of where you were you just couldn't allow yourself to do it? It's a really miserable feeling. Hang ups! We all have hang ups!

                                                                        1. re: Caroline1

                                                                          thats when i normally employ the finger-swipe-when-no-one's-looking technique

                                                                          1. re: mattstolz

                                                                            why I keep a crust of bread handy during a savory course.

                                                                2. re: mamachef

                                                                  I was shocked when a friend who works at Smuckers told me of the concept but they are amazingly profitable.

                                                                  1. re: mamachef

                                                                    They have the Uncrustables where I work...FREE...It seems Everyone here thinks they are wonderful, I havent tried or been tempted till I saw them toasted in the toaster..looked interesting! May have to break down and try them!

                                                                    1. re: Deedine

                                                                      That could be nasty in a vertical toaster with a peanut butter leak. Yuk!

                                                                      1. re: Deedine

                                                                        Sounds like a spinoff of the pop tarts idea.

                                                                        The only time I had pop tarts as regular fare was on a winter backpacking trip in the California mountains. We had things like pop tarts, instant oatmeal, hot jello, peanut butter in a fill-it-yourself toothpaste tube, pilot bread, dried salami, and the relatively expensive freeze dried Mtn House entrees. Only pilot bread and salami are part of my regular car camping fare.

                                                                  2. re: mamachef

                                                                    I bought Batter Blasters for two co-workers as gag gifts/stocking stuffers for Christmas, and not to be left out, brought home a can for our house. My wife and both co-workers said it made incredible pancakes, for what it's worth.

                                                                    1. re: Big Bad Voodoo Lou

                                                                      Hey, it must be a decent product or it would already be remaindered, Lou. I wasn't referring to the product proper. It was the idea I found dumb, that manufacturers are constantly looking for one more way to convince you to buy something that you really do not need. As a cook, I find it easy to make a batter for pancakes although I realize that it's not the same for everybody. What I found dumb was that it seems like by putting it into a can (although that may be for preservation's sake?) turned it into a novelty-ish item. I like to have a relationship with the food I eat, as in, I'd rather chop broccoli than bow to the convenience of buying it chopped or frozen, and I'd rather drop pancakes onto the griddle from my own spoon, but that's just me and I surely didn't come here to argue.

                                                                      1. re: mamachef

                                                                        The economy would collapse if manufacturers couldn't convince people to buy things they don't need.

                                                                        1. re: FoodPopulist

                                                                          Thanks for letting me know that. I'm pretty aware, though. : )

                                                                      2. re: Big Bad Voodoo Lou

                                                                        Okay, but here's the difference. For pancakes, I take a large "Big Gulp" style clean plastic cup, fill it about 1/4 full of AP flour, add about a tsp of baking powder, a quarter that amount of baking soda, a scant half tsp of salt, 2 tsp sugar (promotes browning) and stir it dry with a wire whisk to mix it all up. Then I add one lightly beaten egg and enough buttermilk to bring the total amount to about two or three inches below the top of the plastic cup, and a Tbsp of flavorless oil or melted butter and stir to almost blend. Don't get all of the lumps out! Pour it onto a heated grill or into a heated frying pan. Watch the pancakes and when bubbles break through to the top of the batter AND stay open, flip the pancakes and brown the other side. Serve with butter and syrup or whatever rings your chimes.

                                                                        Total cost of these pancakes? Well, the most expenisve ingredient is the single egg. And what goes into the trash as a direct result of making these pancakes? ONE biodegradable egg shell. And what is the cost of the pancakes in an aerosol can and what goes into the trash because of it? Comparitively the aerosol pancakes are VERY expensive and the aerosol can is not quite as biodegradeable as an egg shell. How much more time does it take to make my scratch pancakes? Takes me about three minutes, max.

                                                                        Edit: This "recipe" is for pancakes for one. The thickness of the pancakes is determined by the liquid to flour ratio; for thicker pancakes, more flour, for thinner, more liquid.

                                                                        Edit! Edit! By making my own batter, I can also do things like add bacon bits to the batter, or coconut, or blueberries or Milk Bones, if that's what I want in my pancakes. OR I can add 2 or three tablespoons more melted butter and make waffles. Can you do that with the aerosol pancakes? I didn't think so! '-)

                                                                        1. re: Caroline1

                                                                          ...and the Duchess tries to imitate Caroline's quick pancakes:

                                                                          Flour... ah, damn, did I use it up last time... ah there it is... no that's bran. Same as?
                                                                          Baking powder... sheesh how old is this stuff.. when was Hoover president anyways...
                                                                          Baking soda... ah I know where that is. No, wait, I made some green cleaning stuff with it last month. Damn.
                                                                          Sugar.. will daiquiri-rim-sugar work? Surely.
                                                                          Egg.. jeez how old are these? They kinda rattle when you shake.
                                                                          Buttermilk, buttermilk. Nope. I do see some eggnog in the back there. But it's March...

                                                                          Griddle griddle griddle.. hey you cats QUIT CLIMBING the DRAPES! Oooh what's on the TV? Oh, hi Cindy, glad you called WHY IS THE SMOKE ALARM GOING OFF?

                                                                          (For the record, I once brought home a can of BatterBlaster as a funny for my husband. The pancakes were reasonable, not super-light but flavorful, no weird chem taste like I'd expected. The silliness and rude noises it made were worth the one-time purchase, but I agree completely, not fiscally sensible.)

                                                                          1. re: DuchessNukem

                                                                            Funny...!

                                                                            And then there's always Bisquick. '-)

                                                                          2. re: Caroline1

                                                                            but mixing it in a cup takes so much longer than blasting it out of a can!

                                                                            (notsrs)

                                                                              1. re: Caroline1

                                                                                What chemicals?
                                                                                http://www.batterblaster.com/products...

                                                                                That got me wondering whether you can make pancakes with a whipped cream dispenser (the ones that use nitrous oxide to produce a foam).

                                                                                http://www.creamright.co.uk/blog/?p=97

                                                                                Now I know what to put on my Christmas wish list.

                                                                                1. re: paulj

                                                                                  paulj wrote:
                                                                                  "What chemicals?
                                                                                  http://www.batterblaster.com/products..."

                                                                                  So how many containers of SODIUM LACTATE do you keep in your pantry? Gotcha!

                                                                                  Beyond salt, which is an amazing preservative (think King Tut!), I don't use any preservatives in my organic pancakes. And of course you can extrude pancake batter with a whipped cream dispenser, but why would you want to? It's a pretty yucky mess to clean out. Those molecular gastronomy guys have galley slaves to clean up their mess. I don't! PLUS my plastic cup doesn't require gas cartridges!!! '-)

                                                                                  1. re: Caroline1

                                                                                    Sodium lactate sounds almost as bad as the sodium acid pyrophosphate that I put in my pancakes. BB also lists dicalcium phosphate. I use monocalcium phosphate instead.

                                                                                    http://www.food-info.net/uk/e/e325.htm
                                                                                    sodium salt of lactic acid (which is produced by during fermentation).

                                                                                    1. re: paulj

                                                                                      Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww...! You mean you don't mind eating stuff "produced in large amounts in the large intestine by the resident bacteria"???? Double ewwwwwwwwwwww.....!!! And exactly how can bacteria excrement be "vegan"? Triple ewwwwwwwwwww....!!! '-)

                                                                                      1. re: Caroline1

                                                                                        Reminds me of the Korean soup that I had for lunch, with intestine and tripe. Both were still chewy, and intestine pieces still had some of their natural filling. :)

                                                                                        Apparently Applegate Farms, a major producer of organic bacon (i.e. celery salt kind) can't claim to be preservative free - they use sodium lactate to prevent the growth of bacteria in their bacon.
                                                                                        http://www.applegatefarms.com/resourc...

                                                                                        1. re: paulj

                                                                                          Tripe is one of the very few foods I just cannot stomach, if you'll pardon the pun. It's truly ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!

                                                                                          1. re: Caroline1

                                                                                            This is where you open yourself up to answers like this: "Oh, but Caroline1, you just haven't had GOOD tripe!! You haven't had MY tripe!! If you had MY tripe, why I promise you you'd just LOVE it! Here!! Here's MY bible-length recipe for how to make that **** palatable!!"
                                                                                            Remember, it's for Your Own Good. Nobody here has An Agenda. : )
                                                                                            I can eat a good bowl of menudo, and I have to admit that by that I mean, one that doesn't taste of tripe. With a LOT of lime and cilantro, and many preceeding beers, since the hangover is the reason I'm out for menudo in the first place.
                                                                                            I feel about Durian the way you feel about tripe. It stinks and reeks and I wouldn't eat it with somebody else's mouth. But now I'm in line too - "Mamachef, here!! I want you to have this recipe for Durian.....pie!!"

                                                                                            1. re: mamachef

                                                                                              oh dont be silly!!

                                                                                              durian makes way better ice cream than pie.

                                                                                              1. re: mamachef

                                                                                                I've told this sad tale of my youth here before, but (I think) it's been a while... When I was an early-ish teenager my best friend's parent's owned a huge dairy. One day we were doing something we really shouldn't have been doing. We went into an enclosure with a couple of cows and their new calves. I was cuddling and hugging and petting one of the babies -- they are ADORABLE! -- and didn't notice Momma Cow strolling up to us. She thought I was adorable for loving her baby, so she reached over with her slimy saliva dripping alfala laden tongue and LICKED MY FACE, chin to forehead. I got cow saliva up my nose, in my eyes. It was TERRIBLE...!!! And I can guarantee one thing for you: Tripe tastes and smells just like cow spit! No, ma'am. I do NOT eat that stuff! No way, no how, no time! Not for me.

                                                                                                1. re: Caroline1

                                                                                                  NOTHIN' beats getting back to nature, right? Oh yeah.

                                                                                                  1. re: Caroline1

                                                                                                    i can honestly say im glad the story came along with that assessment of tripe. people always claim things like that "it tastes like cow spit!" but i often wonder how they actually would know what cow spit tastes like, and doubt they do. but that is hilarious.

                                                                                                    1. re: mattstolz

                                                                                                      I always imagined cow spit tasted like chicken

                                                                                                      1. re: hill food

                                                                                                        really? i thought it would taste like espuma.

                                                                                                        1. re: linguafood

                                                                                                          The next item on the new wave: Nose-to-tail Molecular Gastronomy featuring Cow Saliva Foam.

                                                                                                          1. re: mamachef

                                                                                                            thats only between the nose and the tail when the tongue is IN the mouth ;)

                                                                                                            1. re: mamachef

                                                                                                              Oy- I'll never eat foam again. nEver. Or anything that looks like it.

                                                                                              2. re: Caroline1

                                                                                                The large intestine is just another place that LACTIC ACID is produced. Commercial Sodium Lactate is not derived from intestinal lactic acid.

                                                                                                1. re: AeroDoe

                                                                                                  Dear Sir or Madame, as the case may be,

                                                                                                  You have not recieved a passing grade in culinary humor..Please try again.

                                                                                                  The Culinary Humor Police

                                                                                                  1. re: Caroline1

                                                                                                    I wasn't striving for humor. I just thought you didn't know the difference between lactic acid and a salt derived from it. Wasn't its appearance in a list of ingredients in an organic product what was being discussed?

                                                                                                    When you bring up intestinal processes on a site devoted to eating, you should probably try to be funny too. (Though I'd never be mean-spirited enough to give you a failing grade.)

                                                                                                    1. re: AeroDoe

                                                                                                      i think she meant you didnt get her humor....

                                                                                                      1. re: mattstolz

                                                                                                        Yup. That's what I meant. Sorry if I confused you, AeroDoe, and welcome to Chowhound! Stick around! :-)

                                                                                                        1. re: Caroline1

                                                                                                          No confusion. That was a set-up for a really fun response, but Matt stepped in it first so it won't work now. Alas!

                                                                                                          I confess, bathroom humor and the ilk hasn't made me laugh since I was 5, but I'm sure many people were rolling on the floor when you mentioned intestinal bacteria.

                                                                                                          Thanks for the warm welcome!

                                                                                                          1. re: AeroDoe

                                                                                                            gotta admit I didn't quite 'get' it at first yet knew there was a joke in there somewhere.

                                                                                                            1. re: hill food

                                                                                                              Yup. The joke was in reference to the last sentence in this excerpt from the link paulj offered:

                                                                                                              "Origin:
                                                                                                              Sodium salt of lactic acid (E270), a natural acid produced by bacteria in fermented foods. All fermented foods are very rich in lactic acid. Commercially produced by bacterial fermentation on starch and molasses. Also produced in large amounts in the large intestine by the resident bacteria." (http://www.food-info.net/uk/e/e325.htm

                                                                                                              )

                                                                                                              Don't feel bad. I don't think anyone got it! Sorry 'bout that. '-)

                                                                                              3. re: paulj

                                                                                                thats nothin. i drink gallons od dihydrogen monoxide each week. go through the stuff like its water or something.

                                                                                                1. re: mattstolz

                                                                                                  WC Fields would have been grateful to have you drink his share! '-)

                                                                                              4. re: Caroline1

                                                                                                Yeah, but then you miss out an all those fun WhipIts!

                                                                                                  1. re: paulj

                                                                                                    Lactated Ringer's Solution.
                                                                                                    Wow! Amazing how words can trigger thoughts.
                                                                                                    All I can think about now is Squad 51, Gage and DeSoto.

                                                                                                1. re: paulj

                                                                                                  oooh- have one of those somewhere. Now I need to find some nitrous oxide for a propellant, good luck after Demi Moore effed it all up for the homemade whipped cream aficionados.

                                                                                        2. re: mamachef

                                                                                          Just saw it in the cooler (near the eggs) at Whole Foods. Must be good, right?

                                                                                          But how's this different from using a nitrous oxide cream whipper to make a 30 second cup cake, as done on ICA?

                                                                                          1. re: paulj

                                                                                            Never said it wasn't good, Sporto. It was the idea and the packaging that kinda drove me nuts. I've heard it was good product, but it still drives me crazy to envision all these people splurting their pancakes from a can. And it's completely identical to whipped cream in a can, but I don't use that shit, and that's not what this thread is about. I don't knock people for what they choose to use, even if it is pressurized canned pancakes.

                                                                                            1. re: mamachef

                                                                                              Well, sorry, but if you really want to get technically and logically dumb imho, I think those bags full of lettuce/spinach/arugula/mixed greens are a real sign of the times.
                                                                                              When did we all get so lazy that buying a head of lettuce, or whatever it is we want, couldn't be purchased, brought home and washed/dried and cut or broken up?
                                                                                              I've bought them and STILL come home and washed it.

                                                                                              1. re: latindancer

                                                                                                Convenience. Duh. Not everyone would like to buy any number of heads of differently lettuce variety if all they want is a mixed salad that day.

                                                                                                And don't get me started on the ridiculously massive trees of parsley in US supermarkets.

                                                                                                1. re: linguafood

                                                                                                  Well...
                                                                                                  Give me an acre out in the middle of nowhere where convenience mentalities are viewed as lazy and uncreative.
                                                                                                  I'll take it one step further and grow my own lettuce and wash the dirt off it.
                                                                                                  Those mounds of parsley make me cringe.

                                                                                                  1. re: latindancer

                                                                                                    Well.... aren't you lucky! I live in the boondocks, yet have no acre for growing my own, lettuce or otherwise. To deduct laziness and/or lack of creativity is a far stretch.

                                                                                                    1. re: linguafood

                                                                                                      I didn't say I live on an acre....I only wish I did so I could grow my own.
                                                                                                      I know at least a dozen people who are lazy AND lack creativity thus the convenience mentality...they serve their families some of the worst commercial, convenience crap imaginable.
                                                                                                      It's not a stretch at all.

                                                                                                      1. re: latindancer

                                                                                                        "I didn't say I live on an acre....I only wish I did so I could grow my own."

                                                                                                        Yeah, don't we all. Unfortunately, few people are privileged enough to grow their own food, grind their own coffee, bake their own bread, etc. etc.

                                                                                                        But to say that someone buying bagged salad mixes is lazy or lacking in creativity *is* a far stretch.

                                                                                                        I think it's a lazy example for "dumb food". YMMV.

                                                                                                        1. re: linguafood

                                                                                                          It's really interesting, in my opinion, the social norms that appear to have risen in the last several decades.
                                                                                                          My parents would never have been described as 'privileged', quite the contrary, yet they grew their own food, ground their own coffee, baked their own bread, etc. etc...
                                                                                                          Yet here you are, and you're not alone in this theory, stating it's the 'privileged' who are the lucky ones who get to grow their own, etc.
                                                                                                          BTW...how many people, if you actually gave them that one acre, would have the wherewithal or the desire or the ambition to do all the things you've mentioned?
                                                                                                          We are, and have become, for the most part a society of 'get it done quickly and efficiently' and our children will eventually pay the price....no matter how 'privileged/not privileged we are.

                                                                                                          1. re: latindancer

                                                                                                            It's not that the social norms have changed (they've been changing since the dawn of time, thank goodness, and will continue to do so -- the illusion of some Golden Age is just that), it's life's circumstances. Your parents may have done all of this for one reason or another, but let's not kid ourselves into thinking that anyone working 2-3 jobs and possibly raising children "on the side" wouldn't consider it a luxury to have ample time on their hands to grow their own precious salad, etc.

                                                                                                            Plus I know few people who are actually good at gardening or farming. It's not everyone's cup o'tea, and it neither means that they're lazy, un-creative nor spoiled.

                                                                                                            It's a reality.

                                                                                                            1. re: linguafood

                                                                                                              Truth is....

                                                                                                              We all make choices and that also goes for working 2-3 jobs.
                                                                                                              Life's just a serious of choices.
                                                                                                              It's a reality.

                                                                                                              1. re: latindancer

                                                                                                                Yep, sure is. Serious choices all around.

                                                                                                                1. re: linguafood

                                                                                                                  Two different perspectives and, obviously, two difference life experiences.

                                                                                                                  I like fresh produce, seafood, meat, etc...
                                                                                                                  I'd rather market daily, in small amounts, than purchase otherwise.
                                                                                                                  That's my choice.

                                                                                                              2. re: linguafood

                                                                                                                Actually, there's an important factor inolved here that no one has yet taken into consideration. My house sits on 3/4s of an acre in a lovely "horsey" area of Plano, Texas. You would think I have lots of room to grow my own vegetables if I want to. Fact is there is no way in hell I would grow anything to eat in my yard! This house was built in 1975, and every inch of the yard has been treated with pesticies and other chemicals since the first owner moved in. This is a relatively new problem in the world today. It's one of the things that "pinches" grass fed cattlemen when it comes to finding appropriate land for their cattle to graze. As a kid groing up, we were an "extended nuclear family" of three generations living in a lovely century old Victorian house that sat on seven acres, none of which had ever been sprayed with chemicals and "organic fertilizers" (steer or horse manure) was the "Miracle Grow" of the day. During World War II, we bought very little in the way of edibles beyond flour and sugar and the occasional loaf of bread, because my grandfather grew it AND we had fruit trees in our yard and a citrus grove across the street. ALL "organic" because back then there was NO OTHER WAY! From MY perspective, the world has NOT changed "for the better."

                                                                                                                If people are smart, in today's world growing your own vegetables or anything else in your own yard may or may not be a wise thing to do.

                                                                                                                Just felt somebody had to mention this...! '-)

                                                                                                                1. re: Caroline1

                                                                                                                  Certainly demography has alot to do with what I'm stating...
                                                                                                                  Not everyone can farm, not everyone can build a restaurant and serve food, unless they have millions to spend on EPA requirements to eradicate a problem....
                                                                                                                  However it's not an entirely filthy planet we live on.
                                                                                                                  I grow citrus trees on my small lot and have no problem eating the oranges, grapefruits and lemons.

                                                                                                                  1. re: latindancer

                                                                                                                    Well, when I started this thread I was thiking of things like aerosol pancakes and gold spray paint for food and frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches as "Really Dumb Food" and not whether people should or should not grow their own vegetables and such. This kind of discussion is taking the fun out of it.

                                                                                                                  2. re: Caroline1

                                                                                                                    Raised beds with plenty of bunny poo do WONDERS for that issue... :) AND you get worms to fry up as a bonus! :) :) :)

                                                                                                                    1. re: meatrabbits4all

                                                                                                                      Well, you could have a point... There was a time when I harvested and the family ate (kids too!) our own home grown snails regularly. They were fannnnntastic!

                                                                                                                      1. re: Caroline1

                                                                                                                        I have heard good big worms are great sauteed in garlic butter. though I think I'd keep them in dark damp towels and lettuce for a few days first.

                                                                                                                        1. re: hill food

                                                                                                                          A plastic dishpan half filled with cornmeal with a wire screen and brick on top of it worked very well for cleansing my snails. It's been a while, but I think three or four days did it. Should work for worms as well. Happy eating!

                                                                                                                          1. re: Caroline1

                                                                                                                            timing sounds right, but worms don't have the shells snails do, so I wonder about the weight issue.

                                                                                                                            1. re: hill food

                                                                                                                              Don't see why that would be a problem. Corn meal is lighter than dirt. You don't bury them. You let them bury themselves! They know what they're doing even when we don't. '-)

                                                                                                                              1. re: Caroline1

                                                                                                                                yes, but you mentioned use of a brick...

                                                                                                                                I only use those when (ahh I'm going to abandon that part)

                                                                                                                                snails have shells - no crushy. cornmeal does sound appropriate. finding others willing to try is a different question.

                                                                                                                                1. re: hill food

                                                                                                                                  The corn meal went into the plastic dish pan. The snails went on top of the corn meal. The screen went on top of the dishpan to keep the snails from crawling out. The brick went on top of the screen to make sure the snails couldn't push the screen off the dishpan and make their grand escape into my house....! Do you have any idea how hard it is to follow trails off snail slime across a shag carpet????

                                                                                                                            2. re: Caroline1

                                                                                                                              One of the Travel Channel guys visited a snail caviar 'farm'.

                                                                                                          2. re: latindancer

                                                                                                            Linguafood and latindancer: I love those huge mounds of Italian parsley and buy them frequently! I get annoyed when the parsley bunches in the supermarket shrink to 1/3 their normal size for seemingly no reason.

                                                                                                            1. re: woodleyparkhound

                                                                                                              I guess I'm just used to smaller amounts *in general* from the supermarkets in Europe. I have no use for forests of herbs.

                                                                                                              I LOVE the salad mixes with all kinds of micro greens and a nice variety of leaf lettuces and sprouts, etc. -- without having to buy a head of lettuce each or grow my own patch. But I'm pretty lazy like that '-P

                                                                                                              1. re: woodleyparkhound

                                                                                                                I couldn't make tabouli without them...!!! '-)

                                                                                                                1. re: Caroline1

                                                                                                                  That's about the only example I can come up with where an abundance of parsley would be needed.

                                                                                                                  1. re: Caroline1

                                                                                                                    I couldn't make anything without them either...
                                                                                                                    But not in the bag...
                                                                                                                    I buy them, by bulk, in either my local market or my weekly farmer's market

                                                                                                                    1. re: latindancer

                                                                                                                      What, you don't grow your own? '-)

                                                                                                                      I've never seen parsley in a bag, but I have no idea what bloody difference that would make.

                                                                                                                      1. re: linguafood

                                                                                                                        Nope...I don't grow my own.
                                                                                                                        Remember, I don't have that acre of land?
                                                                                                                        It's why I visit my local farmer's market.

                                                                                                              2. re: linguafood

                                                                                                                I used to do that and ended up with way too many greens to use up half the time. I prefer to mix them like I did in the old days but sometimes I get impatient. And lazy.

                                                                                                                1. re: mamachef

                                                                                                                  I hope I don't appear sorry...

                                                                                                                  I love to cook, love fresh ingredients and am willing to go the extra mile to buy them for me, my family and friends.
                                                                                                                  It's just the way I was raised and hope to bring it into the next generation that follows me. So far I'm doing well with it.
                                                                                                                  Convenience is fine for those who think they need it...perhaps they do in their world. I suppose I was a little hasty in my judgment of those who don't/won't consider other alternatives. Raising and feeding small children is a really awesome responsibility. I can't imagine a mother/father not taking the time (what is it, 60 seconds) to make a peanut and butter sandwich for their child. Instead they resort to a frozen pre made, wrapped in plastic, PB&J?
                                                                                                                  Wow....it's mindboggling.

                                                                                                                2. re: latindancer

                                                                                                                  I have zero idea why this is to me? Were you aiming for the OP?
                                                                                                                  I've used those bagged products. Not the lettuce, because since it's treated it has a chemical taste and artificial crispness that I don't care for, but the spinach product, and had no problem with it and was kinda happy that I saved 10 minutes washing all that nice healthy spinach, which gave me time to go have a nice unhealthy smoke. ; )

                                                                                                                  1. re: latindancer

                                                                                                                    the grocery stores i normally shop at actually dont even SELL spinach outside those stupid bags. makes me angry

                                                                                                                    1. re: mattstolz

                                                                                                                      You mean spinach .... doesn't grow in the bag?

                                                                                                                      1. re: Hank Hanover

                                                                                                                        and looking forward, Hank knew:

                                                                                                                        My life will never be the same again.

                                                                                                                        1. re: Hank Hanover

                                                                                                                          There's a market niche for an enterpreneur...

                                                                                                                3. re: mamachef

                                                                                                                  "Blorp" is my new favorite word, and well on its way to being my new favorite thing to do.

                                                                                                                  1. re: mamachef

                                                                                                                    LOL- if I ever see it I have to buy it!

                                                                                                                    1. re: mamachef

                                                                                                                      Really liking the word "blorp" fits perfectly

                                                                                                                      1. re: mamachef

                                                                                                                        Confession: I bought a can of Batter Blaster once. My picky son saw it and asked me to get it, so I did. (I guess I was thinking, "Food!! Yeah, he's finally interested in EATING!").

                                                                                                                        It was truly horrible: sweet, gummy, dense, greasy, everything that a really bad pancake can be. I ended up making my own pancakes. (We were out of house slippers.)

                                                                                                                        1. re: Isolda

                                                                                                                          Isolda, we all make culinary missteps. And sometimes the whining of a child is the best inspiration. Case in point: that horribleawfulnasty peanut butter/jelly blend that I caved on and then got the munchies and ate. (Danger, Will Robinson!!)
                                                                                                                          Dearfoams actually taste much, much nicer.

                                                                                                                          1. re: mamachef

                                                                                                                            I did convince my Mum to buy Tang once. It was what the astronauts drank! This was just after the second moon landing I think (dang I'm getting old). I discovered it was awful. It did make me have second thoughts about whining for certain foods though.

                                                                                                                        1. re: redfish62

                                                                                                                          Frozen "peanut butter sandwiches" are the most ridiculous thing I've encountered.

                                                                                                                          1. re: redfish62

                                                                                                                            Who thought of that?!!! the hot dog bun stays soft and "fresh" for over a year!.. and you even get a piece of Laffy Taffy in with it. Get outta the way of the stampede.

                                                                                                                          2. My idea of dumb food runs more to the 'who the heck would pay for that?' variety in the grocery stores, with it usually being some outrageously priced convenience item, and then I see it in shopper's carts.

                                                                                                                            Expensive basic ingredients I'm okay with, such as a $4 or $5 loaf of bread when I want hearth-style sourdough from an out of my way artisan baker downtown, but it would take an Act of God to get me to buy a bag of those frozen veggies you can steam in the same plastic bag it's packaged in. That just has spendthrift written all over it in my mind, but then I don't have a limited amount of time to get food on the table for four hungry mouths after commuting an hour each way and working all day. So in the end, I understand the compromise some people choose in order to feed those they love seven nights a week.

                                                                                                                            Central kitchen prepped baked goods finished in those in-house bakeries in grocery stores just breaks my heart, and also goes into my dumb food category. I can't help but think about all those good local bakeries those abominations have put out of business. Although I did buy a baguette at Fred Meyer yesterday, because it was on sale for 99¢ and freshly "baked". I know, makes no sense, but at least it was halfway decent and very fresh tasting, despite being of suspect provenance. I felt like such a sell-out during check-out that I had to go through the self-checkout line, even though I'm sure it would have been nothing more than another item to run across the scanner to any cashier.

                                                                                                                            Sometimes I imagine myself lying on a psychiatrist's couch with my first words being, "I have issues with baguettes," then hearing a guffaw from the other side of the room. :)

                                                                                                                            9 Replies
                                                                                                                            1. re: RelishPDX

                                                                                                                              Relish - I too have anxiety at the checkout and try to bury the 'dumb' food between the 'real' stuff or at least put it first so it goes in the bag fast and the person behind me only sees the raw spinach etc.

                                                                                                                              1. re: hill food

                                                                                                                                Ooooh, as a single mom, I used to "bury" the most conspicuously kid-oriented items between sexy single lady food. My local Petrini's had a Single's Night, and since babysitters came dear, I'd go with a girlfriend and just sandwich in my regular shopping. Popsicles and graham crackers, hidden right between a box of wine (real sexy, huh?) and a head of Romaine.
                                                                                                                                I'd forgotten all about that, and it was not where I found my future husband. : )

                                                                                                                                1. re: mamachef

                                                                                                                                  aww Petrini's, I do know of what you speak - forerunner of good grocers like Andronico's

                                                                                                                                  1. re: hill food

                                                                                                                                    Yes indeedy. It was a revelation, wasn't it?

                                                                                                                                  2. re: mamachef

                                                                                                                                    your grocery store had a singles night?? i need a store like that.

                                                                                                                                    as for central prepped but baked-in-house breads... i dont really see that as an issue... since most of the breads i make at home and enjoy best rise for a long period of time in the fridge anyways.... i figure thats not much different than sitting in a refridgerated truck for a couple hours right?

                                                                                                                                    1. re: hill food

                                                                                                                                      Oh hill food, I totally do this too. It's ridiculous really, but I can't help myself.

                                                                                                                                    2. re: RelishPDX

                                                                                                                                      Relish, I pay $1.50 for a loaf of freshly baked Italian bread, still hot from the oven at my local bakery. Worth every penny, then again, I have a Carb problem...