HOME > Chowhound > Not About Food >

What if you are the "uninvited guest"?

b
bjd001 Feb 3, 2012 01:02 PM

Gee, I just saw the post about "Ways to refuse univited guests"... What do you do if you ARE the uninvited guest?

Here's the situation: For the last several years DH and I have attended a Super Bowl party given by people we would describe as pretty good friends, but we're not part of their "inner circle". We are generally invited to things like their annual Christmas party, but not to their smaller dinner parties. We're all fine with that situation. This year, we did not receive an invitation to their Super Bowl party, which is fine. Their guest list is up to them and we figured maybe they were having a smaller group this year.

But earlier in the week we were at my sister's for dinner. She and her DH are much closer to the folk having the Super Bowl party and they are going, as are some other mutual friends. My sister checked the email invite, and we are not on it. Again, fine, we can make other plans for Sunday. Then my sister decides to call the hostess about whether we were intentionally left off the guest list or was it an oversight? It appears they wanted a smaller party, so no oversight. But during the conversation, the hostess says it would be ok for us to come. My sister relays this to me. But, having not heard anything directly from the hostess to me, I am still not comfortable going.

Then yesterday evening (Thursday), I received an email from the hostess saying DH and I are welcome to come to the party Sunday. So now I am torn. Since she reached out to us, should we go? Or send a response saying we appreciate the invite, but cannot attend. Either was feels rather awkward!

Thanks.

  1. Click to Upload a photo (10 MB limit)
Delete
  1. h
    Heatherb RE: bjd001 Feb 3, 2012 01:06 PM

    I think you just say "We appreciate it, but we've got other plans." Nothing awkward about it. I'd be uncomfortable going, for myself.

    1. southernitalian RE: bjd001 Feb 3, 2012 01:06 PM

      I would never go! Hate to say it but you were B-listed!

      1 Reply
      1. re: southernitalian
        b
        bjd001 RE: southernitalian Feb 3, 2012 01:11 PM

        Not even B-listed for this one! We only got the invite because my sister contacted the hostess.

        I did get B-listed for a wedding a number of years ago. Family friend. Parents and two sisters got invitations... A few weeks later, my brother and I got invitations! We all went anyway and had a great time!

      2. j
        jlhinwa RE: bjd001 Feb 3, 2012 01:39 PM

        Wow, very awkward indeed. I wouldn't feel comfortable going. I think your plan of saying you appreciate the invitation but are not able to attend is perfect. It is very gracious on your part and lets you off the hook for an awkward party..

        1. babette feasts RE: bjd001 Feb 3, 2012 01:49 PM

          Don't go unless you really, really wanted to go in the first place (sounds like you didn't). And tell your sister to mind her business. I'm sure she had good intentions, but she made you feel awkward and put an unnecessary burden on the hostess.

          2 Replies
          1. re: babette feasts
            al b. darned RE: babette feasts Feb 4, 2012 11:44 PM

            >>>
            And tell your sister to mind her business.
            <<<

            My thoughts exactly!

            1. re: al b. darned
              KaimukiMan RE: al b. darned Feb 7, 2012 12:02 PM

              agree. don't get in the middle. i wasn't the uninvited guest, but chose to decline an invitation once because i had already planned to spend that time with someone else, and the host was not able to accommodate an extra guest. Friends 'intervened' and i was asked to bring my guest. It all worked out in the end, but not going would not have been a lot simpler.

          2. viperlush RE: bjd001 Feb 3, 2012 02:00 PM

            Would honesty be too awkward or would it cause unneccesary drama?
            "We understand that you wanted a smaller party this year and we have made other arrangements. I'm sorry if my sister made this akward for you."

            5 Replies
            1. re: viperlush
              b
              bjd001 RE: viperlush Feb 3, 2012 02:10 PM

              Thanks all for the input! We'd have been happy to go if we'd been invited (as in previous years). Then thought maybe we should go since hostess did actually send late invite... But think she felt pressured to do so. (Would she be miffed if we said no after she finally sent the invite?)

              Talked to DH again and sent a reply thanking her for the gracious invite but that we couldn't make it. Apologized for any awkwardness caused by sister calling her and said we look forward to seeing her and her DH at next event. (We're all part of a larger group that gets together periodically so we'll probably see them next month.)

              I have to say I feel better now.

              1. re: bjd001
                f
                freia RE: bjd001 Feb 3, 2012 04:06 PM

                Good response...handled perfectly. Very gracious of you to recognize that this might have been an invitation under duress per se and to have responded in this way.
                :)

                1. re: bjd001
                  r
                  ricepad RE: bjd001 Feb 3, 2012 05:27 PM

                  Your response saves everybody's feelings, and also increases the chances that you'll be invited in the future. Well done!

                  1. re: ricepad
                    IndyGirl RE: ricepad Feb 3, 2012 05:52 PM

                    yep, you acted with grace and elegance!

                  2. re: bjd001
                    Veggo RE: bjd001 Feb 3, 2012 05:36 PM

                    "All's well that ends well " - William Shakespeare
                    "the unbidden guest is often welcomest when he is gone" - William Shakespeare

                2. IndyGirl RE: bjd001 Feb 3, 2012 02:25 PM

                  I wouldn't go.

                  1. meatn3 RE: bjd001 Feb 3, 2012 06:21 PM

                    You handled a potentially awkward situation perfectly!

                    I wouldn't be surprised if your sister finds herself invited to fewer gatherings by this person. Her intention was good, but it created more problems than it solved.

                    1. Uncle Bob RE: bjd001 Feb 4, 2012 06:59 AM

                      From your "story"....it is sooooooooooooo obvious they don't want you there! To hell with them!!
                      . ~~ Surely you can "see through" her 'reaching out to you' (What a joke) ~~ No! You should NOT go!! ~ No way!!

                      1 Reply
                      1. re: Uncle Bob
                        h
                        HoosierFoodie RE: Uncle Bob Feb 4, 2012 07:32 AM

                        I wouldn't go and I wouldn't be upset, either. It doesn't seem to be a big deal. If you're really not that close then it isn't a big deal.

                      2. h
                        Harters RE: bjd001 Feb 4, 2012 09:28 AM

                        Thank the hostess but say you have other plans for the evening.

                        Let's face it, you're an afterthought prompted by your sister with the hostess.

                        Have a nice dinner on your own - and hope the sister gets a mild case of food poisoning as "punishment" for poking her nose in where it wasnt wanted.

                        1. nofunlatte RE: bjd001 Feb 5, 2012 07:11 AM

                          I would not attend, but I would not assume nefarious intent on the part of the host, either (which you are not doing, bjd001). If they want a smaller party, fine--I don't invite all my friends to every event I host. Sometimes I just want my "tribe" there! Seems to me that your sister owes you AND the hostess an apology (though she presumably meant well).

                          6 Replies
                          1. re: nofunlatte
                            b
                            bjd001 RE: nofunlatte Feb 6, 2012 08:54 AM

                            We actually ended up going! (And having a great time...)

                            I usually don't check my email on weekends, but I logged in on Sunday morning to send a thank you to the couple who had invited us to go winetasting and to their home for dinner on Saturday. I found I had received another email from the hostess of the Super Bowl party. The tone was very different from her previous email. Very welcoming. So we decided to go.

                            It was a great party. Lots of good food and wine, and we felt very comfortable. The hostess was friendly and welconming and there was no awkwardness. So all's well that ends well.

                            1. re: bjd001
                              viperlush RE: bjd001 Feb 6, 2012 09:14 AM

                              Glad everything worked out well.

                              1. re: bjd001
                                The Oracle RE: bjd001 Feb 6, 2012 11:46 AM

                                I'm glad you went! I am the type that doesn't mind the question asked (as a host), and would freely give an honest answer. It sounds like they really DID want you there and I'm glad you ended up attending.

                                1. re: bjd001
                                  f
                                  freia RE: bjd001 Feb 6, 2012 12:17 PM

                                  Hey! Nice turn of events!
                                  Glad you had fun!

                                  1. re: bjd001
                                    nofunlatte RE: bjd001 Feb 7, 2012 11:26 AM

                                    Glad you had a good time!

                                    1. re: bjd001
                                      m
                                      MiriamWoodstock RE: bjd001 Feb 8, 2012 08:36 AM

                                      Now, that's a happy ending. These situations, when handled with thoughtfulness on everyone's part, usually turn out just fine for all involved :) Kudos.

                                  Show Hidden Posts