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Nov 11, 2011 10:27 AM

I don't want to share my dessert!

I get together with a friend for dinner once or twice a month. We have a great time, but there’s something she does that drives me bonkers. When it’s time to order dessert, she declines to order anything and tells the server she’ll have “just a taste” or “just a bite” of mine. Of course, the server brings two spoons with the dessert and my friend winds up polishing off half my dessert! This happens every time we go out (I realize I’ve enabled it by never saying anything), and it’s not because she can’t afford to order her own.

Dessert is my favorite part of a meal, and I don’t want to share. Would it be completely rude and petty to tell her to keep out of my dessert? How do I approach this? Or do I just need to get over it?

If it matters, assume a restaurant that does not have outsized desserts.

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  1. You could always just order it to go, assuming it's portable. Obviously doesn't work for everything.

    I've been known to say, I don't want to share so feel free to order whatever dessert you want for you.

    1. You could say, "Let's get two desserts. I've got the appetite for a whole one."

      5 Replies
        1. re: MiriamWoodstock

          I agree that's a good answer, and I'm the person who always orders dessert, and always suggests sharing. But if someone says "I love the apple tart here so I'd like to get one for myself" it's all good - I'll order one of what I want, and my dining companion[s] can have a few bites, or not.

          Melody, in your specific situation, if the server puts the dessert plate in the middle of the table, can you move it in front of you, and then offer to pass the plate to your friend for a taste? Or is that too subtle (or passive/aggressive)?

          It's interesting to me thet people view dessert differently from other parts of the meal. If you ordered a salad and your friend didn't, neither she nor the server would assume that you're going to share it 50/50.

          1. re: MiriamWoodstock

            I read through all the answers posted up until now, and I think this one has the most tact but also gets the point across. If she balks at ordering her own dessert after you've said this, it's clear this will be just yours.

            You can always say that when you get dessert out it's the only time you eat it, so you really want to savor the entire course instead of sharing.

            1. re: rockandroller1

              Or slightly restructure the comment to something like: "Let's get two desserts, and then we can share each others'."

              Just thinking,

              Hunt, not the dessert person in the family...

            2. re: MiriamWoodstock

              That is a very tactful reply MiriamWoodstock. I sometimes just say, "get your own dessert, I'm not sharing" but I am not so tactful. I would be annoyed too, Melody!

            3. Looks like my two thoughts have been posted.

              1) order the dessert to go, but this deprives you the enjoyment of eating with your meal.
              2) Suggest to your friend to order a dessert too so you two can "split" or "sample" each dessert.
              3) Maybe there's a cutesy/funny way you can tell her you're not sharing. "I've been dreaming of this dessert and eating the whole thing"
              4) If she's a good friend, you can tell her you're not splitting the dessert.

              1. Thanks, all, for the suggestions. I’ve tried suggesting two desserts (“I can’t decide between X and Y; want to get both and share?”) and have been met with the usual “too full”. I generally don’t really want half of one dessert and half of another, anyway. I want one dessert, for myself, to eat at my own pace.

                Taking it to go could work sometimes, but I consider my dessert to be part of my meal and I really want to sit at the table, drink my coffee, and continue catching up with my friend.

                Guess I’ll have to be direct, though I really wish servers wouldn’t assume that every dessert is meant to be a shared dessert, especially when my order is worded as “I’ll have….” and not “we’ll share…”.

                10 Replies
                1. re: Melody.

                  Direct is the only way to go. Just remind yourself that this isn't about excluding your friend, it's about stating your needs -- a whole dessert. We all need a whole dessert sometimes! :)

                  1. re: Melody.

                    Consider it a little act of empowerment and standing up for yourself.

                    My husband and I were supposed to share 2 desserts at Emeril's once and I got one bite of the banana cream pie and then he finished it before I got another bite.

                    1. re: Melody.

                      I think if your friend says "I'm too full" then you can definitely say "Well! I'll just have to eat this ALL BY MYSELF." And definitely let the server know you are NOT sharing. All said with a smile, of course. No second fork, no opportunity to share. And if the server brings the second fork anyway, refuse it and reiterate your intention. It's the servers job to get the order right. Be assertive just as if you were ordering your regular meal ("medium rare please" and not "burnt to a crisp").

                      1. re: alwayshungrygal

                        I like "back off bitch" and blocking her fork. But I guess your way is more polite.

                        1. re: viperlush

                          Actually, I like your way alot! But I'm in sales so I've learned to be diplomatic.

                        2. re: alwayshungrygal

                          But then you're getting into "none for you" territory rather than keeping it in "I'm hungry" territory. And it makes it sound like it's all about whether the friend wants to share or not ("because you don't want it, I'll have it all"). She still won't have made it clear that she actively has a preference. The servers get such a variety of messages on the subject, they probably don't know which way is up.

                          1. re: MiriamWoodstock

                            " Oh good, I didn't plan to share anyway". And then tell the waiter that a second fork won't be necessary.

                            I do find it annoying when a waiter assumes that a dessert will be shared.

                            1. re: MiriamWoodstock

                              I hear what you're saying. In the 2nd post by the OP it is stated the friend sometimes says "I'm full" hence my response to that comment. All I'm saying is, the OP just has to be more assertive and indicate no sharing will take place. How about "This sounds so yummy, I really don't want to share today" leaving open the possibility of sharing next time. And then of course, next time, no sharing again, using a different excuse-"I'm so hungry, I want all of it. I'll save you a bite."

                              And again, being assertive to the server. Don't automatically bring a second fork! Practice this at home if necessary. Maybe the friend will get the idea after repeated meals.

                              Or possibly, just coming right out and telling the friend, "I just don't want to ever share my dessert. Period."

                          2. re: Melody.

                            Another thought...perhaps you should order dessert yourself, and ask the server for an extra side plate so that "I can give my friend a taste". Then do exactly as she has suggested...give her just a taste!

                            1. re: josephnl

                              A further thought. If you feel uncomfortable asking for a separate plate so that you can give your friend "just a taste" could say "I think I may be coming down with a cold (bug, flu tuberculosis...or leprosy...) so it's best that we not eat off of the same plate".

                          3. Order your dessert and ask for an extra plate instead. Then you dole out her "taste "

                            1 Reply
                            1. re: plaidbowtie

                              Exactly...sorry, I didn't see you post. Great minds think alike!!