Don't mean to be a party-pooter,
but lactose intolerance has no place in beans.
Read up on the enzyme Alpha-galactosidase
which solves many problems in legumes and cruciferis.
A good start is here:
Just recently synthesized in research from 1980's
Ol'e Slim P. might of loved it,
but then, if he'd used it,
he'd have missed out on one of his greatest scenes.
Lactose is dairy...
Slim P. fueled the campfire with un-cheesed cowboy beans.
Just last night with a few good friends
We had a Mexican fiesta
which included frijoles
in amounts perhaps extravagant.
Somehow (?) conversation topics got around
to two cinema classics that featured same actor,
in this case the indubitable Slim Pickins.
We were debating of course Stanley Kubric's "Dr. Strangelove",
and the later Mel Brooks epic "Blazing Saddles".
We considered (of course, with intellectual distance)
which film ole' Slim would
choose etched on his epitaph:
The one where, hat waving and hollering,
he dropped a huge bomb?...
Or the one where he simply ingested some beans,
and, with posterior, let the beans do his talking?
I'd like to think that somehow this Triumvirate
settled this topic in an unknown get-together,
their own Mexican fiesta,
and finally settled the question.
But, as with so many historical meetings,
I'll "ass"ume that no documentation exists
Whether they settled on H-bomb or Bean-bomb
which leaves us gas-makers to ponder same question.
I can't help but think about the time I was on a date with my now husband, and we were fairly new into the relationship, maybe 3rd date or so. I forget where we were but we were out eating somewhere. Of course me being the good little eater that I am could care less what anyone thinks about what I eat or what I order. When the server came, my husband orders his typical boring club sandwich, fries with a beer, and I not giving it a second thought, order the killer chili with onions, and a beer. You wouldn't believe the nerve of the male server and his comments to my husband who's face then got really red. I just shrugged, so sue me.
Any bean, by their nature,
from any cuisine, or any culture
will ripen the colon.
It don't have to be refritos that are smashed as in Mexican.
It can be just as simple and gentle as hummus.
The most surreptitious is full serving of lentils.
You'd think that those rascals would remain rather quiet
but they are prone to severe bouts of intestinal fermentation
that yield to a gentle but constant flatulatlion.
Are there, indeed, any class of legumes that are fart-free?
Well, I think that all of us should eat beans and broccoli
and also much cabbage
No matter the maw of intestinal consequences
Monty Python has showed us
in his character of castle keeper
who farts in "our general direction"
That cabbage and broccoli and most especially beans
can be re-directed into intimate corners
Claiming all fair and no foul.
Thusly bring on the lentils..
I am embarrassed that I must rightly say
that I do not know shine of the "Dutch Oven trick".
One could imagine that the heft of the cast iron,
and clanking of lid, could hide some deep farting.
Even better Le Creuset with all its enamel
thus not at all porous
would clang with the slam of the lid
and hold cacophonous flatulent chorus.
But again I known not of Dutch Oven.
Please inform me..
While you're at it, you might as well make it a Doomsday: beer, eggs, cheese, chili, corn chips and (of course) beans.
The Doomsday so-called because it is the ultimate expression of the venerable "Dutch Oven". If you do *that* under the covers, it's the end of the world...