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Funniest Thing a Server Said to You

Probably are some good stories that could be fun.

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  1. "Gimme FIVE minutes, and I'll give you *EXCELLENT* service!!!" (as he walked away from our table only to return 25 minutes later...)

    GAH. Who SAYS that???

    57 Replies
      1. re: Breadcrumbs

        LOL. The memory is much funnier than the experience. :)

      2. re: inaplasticcup

        My H and I were dining at a restaurant in Quebec. We were trying to speak French and the server was trying to speak English. We asked him what the soup du jour and the house made pate du jour were. Both times he struggled with the English - he had to ask another server to help him with the soup - it was vegatable, which is the same in French and English just pronounced differently! The pate was even funnier - he actually pantomimed the animal the pate was made from and we guessed it....ostrich! Which is also the same word in French and English!!

        Related hilarious story - we were traveling with friends who are kind of snooty about their ability to speak French (always speaking French in front of those who do not speak it). We were on an Air France flight and the attendant came to ask our friend something in French - the friend replied "I'll have the salmon". The attendant then switched to English and said "Madame, I was asking if you were able to operate the emergency exit"!

        1. re: kireland

          "Ladies and Gentlemen, if you're seated in an emergency exit row, in the event of an emergency, you will be instructed to grab the fish. Thank you."

          1. re: kireland

            I had a similar experience in Florence. I thought I understood what I was ordering but thought I had better ask, just to be sure. I pointed to the menu and in infantile Italian asked the waiter, "What animal?" His face showed some consternation, he held up one finger, and then went around to other customers, obviously asking for help with English. He came back a few moments later looking rather relieved and, very laboriously, got out the word "hare." I thought that's what it was. I was just dreading the Bugs Bunny impression that I was afraid was coming.

            The dish was delicious, by the way.

            1. re: rockycat

              Sounds like when my now-ex-husband was in the hospital in Carcasonne, France. His meal came with the label hand-written and not very clear. We were all trying to figure out what the meat was, when his roommate leaned over and said "Baaaaaaaa". We got it. (I think I may have mentioned this in another thread)

              1. re: tracylee

                A-do-rable in English or French. Too cute.

                      1. re: mariacarmen

                        I was in Thailand and asked a street vendor what kind of meat he was serving on a stick. We had a rather funny back and forth based on the fact that I used "moo" to describe a cow, without knowing that "moo" is the Thai word for pig.

                        *point*
                        Moo.
                        Moo?
                        *finger horns*
                        Moo?
                        *head shake*
                        *pig nose with noises*
                        Moo.

                        1. re: 2roadsdiverge

                          LOL!!!!! excellent mental image with this one - i just choked on my tea :)

                          1. re: 2roadsdiverge

                            i was advising friends who were going to thailand (fuck that was a long time ago - maybe 88) as i had been there the year before. i told them that "moo" mean pig, which we thought was funny. then one asked me "if 'moo' is pig what's cow?" i answered "Khao is rice..".

                            1. re: thew

                              Thank the gods of food, that I learned this here.

                              I would have assumed that "moo," meant beef.

                              Little did I know.

                              Hunt

                    1. re: tracylee

                      When my mom went to the hospital, and we were settling her in, she picked up the menu. On the bottom it said, "Asian Menu available". We got v. excited, and asked the nurse for the Asian Menu. She looked at us quizzically, and asked us why would we want the Asian Menu. Didn't we read English? It turned out that it was an Asian translation of the menu, not actually Asian food choices. We had a good laugh, although we were a bit disappointed!

                      1. re: CookieLee

                        Gee, there are a whole lot of different languages in Asia. I wonder which Asian language the menu was translated into...

                        1. re: Tripeler

                          I wonder if they had a European translated menu, as well?

                            1. re: Tripeler

                              My guess is that it was in Mandarin.

                          1. re: tracylee

                            I was at this tiny restaurant in Carcassonne and ordered le lapin. The waiter proceeded to, in rapid fire French (I was 14, but reasonably proficient in French), tell me the long convoluted story about why they were out of rabbit. At my confused look, he finally just said "Le lapin," miming bunny ears "est finie" with the finger across the throat motion. I had to chuckle.

                            1. re: kubasd

                              Yeah, Bugs Bunny, or at least Roger Rabbit.

                              Hunt

                              1. re: kubasd

                                well I'd hope it was dead (ok recently that is) and cooked as bunny isn't known for lending itself to tartare/carpaccio, although...

                                (I know he meant ended as in dinner service, but that can interpreted to mean so many things)

                                1. re: hill food

                                  ha! Yeah, can't say i've ever heard of rabbit tartare....

                                  1. re: kubasd

                                    Had it at Chez L'Ami Jean in Paris a few years back. The legs were confited but the saddle was room temp raw. It was amazing.

                                    1. re: Delucacheesemonger

                                      hmm... now you have me wanting to try rabbit tartare, thanks for the info!! Now to find someplace that serves it in New England... I love food missions :)

                              2. re: tracylee

                                My dad told a similar story. He was in Germany with some friends and one of his friends wanted goat meat (he was African) and his friend bleated like a goat. LOL

                                1. re: nikkib99

                                  I don't think I could tell the difference between a goat bleat and a lamb/sheep bleat

                                  1. re: 2roadsdiverge

                                    A shepherd once told me that a lamb/sheep's bleat is cuter.

                                2. re: rockycat

                                  When I was an undergrad I spent the summer in Spain living with a host mother. She did not speak English and I did not speak Spanish. The only way she could describe the meat in her paella was to point and say "bugs bunny". The only other English she said to me that summer was "Tom Cruise, is gay?"

                                  One of the first few nights I was there she was trying to describe to me, entirely through pantomime, that it was not okay to get drunk and throw up in the house (she had been hosting college students for awhile).

                                  1. re: jao204

                                    this is hilarious! two great laughs tonight! (yours and AmyH's below.)

                                    1. re: jao204

                                      Oh my god, I died laughing at your anecdote, jao.

                                  2. re: kireland

                                    "he actually pantomimed the animal the pate was made from and we guessed it....ostrich!"

                                    That is hilarious! I have no idea how to do an ostrich impression--would've loved to have seen that.

                                    1. re: kireland

                                      We were eating in a restaurant in Bolivia that had picante de lengua (spicy stew of tongue) on the menu. I asked the waiter what animal the tongue came from and he said "pollo" (chicken). I was surprised that they could make a dish with chicken tongues and wondered how many it would take. We both had a good laugh when it became clear that the other picante option on the menu was picante de pollo (spicy chicken stew) and that the tongue was regular cow tongue.

                                          1. re: AmyH

                                            There's a restaurant here that has duck tongue tacos (http://extravirginkc.com/). Every time I take someone new there, they comment on that menu item. One person said she didn't even know ducks had tongues!

                                            1. re: 2roadsdiverge

                                              Amazing! All sorts of interesting things on that menu. Next time you go there, could you order the duck tongue tacos and let me know how many it takes to fill a taco?

                                              1. re: AmyH

                                                I've had them a number of times. The tacos are rather small, and the tongue meat is sliced. According to this page ( http://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/20... ), duck tongues are two inches in length and have a bone down the middle.

                                                I wonder if the crunch from a duck tongue taco has an echo?

                                                 
                                                1. re: 2roadsdiverge

                                                  Interesting! I'm impressed that they're big enough to slice. But chicken tongues can't be more than half an inch. How do they taste (the tacos, not the tongues)?

                                                  Crack.... Quack!

                                                  1. re: AmyH

                                                    Well, as far as size goes, there has to be something to...fill the bill?

                                                  2. re: 2roadsdiverge

                                                    a duck tongue has a bone down the middle? quite odd!

                                                    i must say that chowhound has always spurred me on to research and learn more, so here it is: http://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/20...

                                                      1. re: buttertart

                                                        Everywhere I have found refers to it as bone. This site ( http://www.tinyurbankitchen.com/2009/... ) says it turns into cartilage towards the end (which end I have no idea)

                                                    1. re: 2roadsdiverge

                                                      I've had duck tongue tacos, no crunch, looks like maybe 4 or 5 to fill a taco. They're at China Poblano at the Cosmopolitan, in case you were wondering. They're the Silencio tacos.

                                                      This brings back memories of the time I was wandering the aisles of the local Chinese grocery and saw Cryovac trays of duck tongues in the freezer section. I grabbed the package, and chased my friend around the freezer section waving the package while making "BLBLBLBLBLBL" noises with my tongue. He didn't think it was as funny.

                                                      1. re: 2roadsdiverge

                                                        I thought duck tongue should be served with quackers.

                                                        1. re: G8trDoc

                                                          Oh that SO deserves a groan, G8tr! lol

                                                          1. re: G8trDoc

                                                            That comment didn't make me groan. In fact, it quacked me up

                                                      2. re: 2roadsdiverge

                                                        The FoodTV show "Best Thing I Ever Ate" did a Halloween-themed show focusing on scary foods. Curtis Stone talked about the Extra Virgin duck tongue tacos.
                                                        http://www.foodnetwork.com/local/mo-k...

                                                    2. re: kireland

                                                      I would worry if the waiter pantomined Foie Gras. Very funny story:)

                                                  3. Ate a restaurant called Crabby Joe's (motto: Good food. Good fun. Bad temper), the 4 of us all ordered french onion soup to start. Someone else (not the original waitress) bring them to our table, and says in obvious disgust "Everyone the same thing? Whatever."
                                                    It took me a second to remember where we were and then laughing, had to explain it to the other 3.

                                                    Actually has me wanting to go back. :)

                                                    58 Replies
                                                    1. re: Midknight

                                                      at an Outback Steakhouse, very young and inexperienced server. My wife and I ordered dinner then I looked at the wine list and asked for a certain wine. Server comes back with one glass for me. I said, I'm sorry, we meant a bottle.

                                                      She says, "Wow, you want da whole bottle ??!!"

                                                      ....Sorry I meant to reply to the OP.

                                                      1. re: Dave_in_PA

                                                        OK, reminds me of a wine retort.

                                                        Went to a new restaurant in Denver, that prided themselves on their wine list. We were doing lunch, but I ordered a bottle of the Ridge Lytton Springs Zinfandel.

                                                        In a few minutes, the server came back, and apologized, "that's not a White Zinfandel, but a White Merlot." I was caught off guard for a moment, but then realized that they had some sort of Rosé, that must have been done with the Merlot grape. I went on to explain that the wine that I wanted WAS a Zin, and not a Rosé of Zin. So much for their "wine savvy" place in the dining community, though the food, the Ridge and the rest of the service was good.

                                                        Hunt

                                                        1. re: Bill Hunt

                                                          We had that problem ordering Zin Zins in the Midwest when the white was all the rage. Snif...thinking of all the Zins that would be wonderful now had they been made red...

                                                          1. re: buttertart

                                                            Every now and then, we'll order a wine from the server, and he/she'll drop back by saying something along the lines of "you know that is a 'red Zinfandel.' don't you?"

                                                            As it was a Turley 101, I am only HOPING that it is red! [Grin]

                                                            Hunt

                                                            1. re: Bill Hunt

                                                              That has happened to us occasionally too. Grr!

                                                              1. re: Bill Hunt

                                                                Ah, but you'd be surprised how many people order a "zin" and expect some pink crap.

                                                                1. re: kimmer1850

                                                                  That was part of what I took away from the exchange too.

                                                                  Though it iscgetting a bit OT here, not that long ago, I saw a short wine list, and the two Zins had "(red Zinfandel)" after the names.

                                                                  Also, and for the very first time, I saw one where several bigger white Burgs, and even two domestic (US) Chards had, "(served at cellar temp)." Like the Zin part of it, I can well imagine how many have ordered those wines, not knowing anything about them, and then complained to the server, "waiter, this wine is hot!"

                                                                  Maybe we need a thread for servers, waiters, chefs, hosts/hostesses, GM's and sommeliers, along the line "Funniest Things That a Patron Has Ever Said?"

                                                                  Hunt

                                                                  1. re: Bill Hunt

                                                                    Hi Bill - I did start that thread too a few days ago about funny things patrons say: http://chowhound.chow.com/topics/788105 There are some good stories there as well.

                                                                    1. re: Bill Hunt

                                                                      My kingdom for quality Old Vines Zinfandels!

                                                                      1. re: pilotgirl210

                                                                        How about some Pinot's for your Cessna?...;)

                                                                        1. re: Veggo

                                                                          I'm impressed!! Most people have no clue what the 210 stands for, and as an Oregonian, I love our pinots !! Or white bordeaux or tempranillo or syrah or.... I am sooooo easy! I have a great rhinestoned T-shirt that shows three wine glasses....each half full with a white, a rose and a red with the words *Group Therapy*. That pretty well sums it up for me. You know the old pilots' saying: *Eight hours from bottle to throttle, eight seconds from throttle to bottle!*

                                                                    2. re: kimmer1850

                                                                      As a server, I've really enjoyed reading this thread, and felt I had to weigh in to agree with kimmer1850. Until recently, I lived in the Caribbean, where I waited on people from all over the world. Believe me, people from all over the world think zinfandel is a pink wine. I even remember one woman who corrected me when I told another customer it was red; she thought the grape itself was white, and would've argued with me had I gone there! (She was from Connecticut) Now I live in Sonoma County, CA, where zin rules, and so far, everyone knows it's a red wine AND grape!

                                                                      1. re: stxmermaid

                                                                        Isn't there a White Zin wine? Although it's actually pink?

                                                                        1. re: randyjl

                                                                          there is a rose, but most often usu. red, it can come in various shades depending on the vintner.

                                                                          1. re: hill food

                                                                            We were dining in a small rural town once and Mom ordered a glass of white zin. The flustered young waitress came out and said: "It says white on the bottle, but the wine's pink!"

                                                                          2. re: randyjl

                                                                            There are Rosé versions of many grape varietals, and White Zinfandel is but one. You can get a Rosé of Cabernet Sauvignon, Grenache (very common), Merlot, and many others.

                                                                            The White Zinfandels are most popular in the US, and can be any color from very light, tinted pink, to rather deeper "salmon." From IT, ES, FR and elsewhere, a Rosé wine can come from many different grapes, though most regions/countries limit the varietals. Unlike most US White Zins, those can be colored anywhere from very light pink to rather dark salmon.

                                                                            White Zinfandel was sort of a marketing ploy, using a common international process, of producing a tinted wine from a "red varietal," and possibly actually saved the US Zinfandel grapes. Many have a certain amount of RS (residual sugar), or have had sugar added. With most other Rosé wines, from elsewhere, that is not likely to happen, or very unlikely to happen at the same level. In many countries, some fairly serious Rosé wines are made, and most are totally unlike a US White Zin. Now, there ARE several very good Rosés of various grapes, done by US vintners, like Beckman.

                                                                            Rosés are "serious wines," but many wine drinkers, and especially those newer to wines, turn up their noses at ANY "pink wine," associating them all with White Zinfandel, which is NOT assumed to be a "serious wine," though it DID introduce many new wine drinkers to less austere wines - most wine drinkers, who now consider themselves as "serious," will not admit to ever having tasted it.

                                                                            I tried for some years, to introduce members of my International Wine & Food Society to Rosés, but most refused to even try them, assuming that ALL pink wines were just like White Zinfandels.

                                                                            Such is life, and perception.

                                                                            Hunt

                                                                            1. re: Bill Hunt

                                                                              I had a server at a French bistro (he was French), kiss my hand when I ordered a rose on a warm afternoon. "Perfect! This is a day for a good rosé!". I was quite flattered, and he was very cute.

                                                                              1. re: cosmogrrl

                                                                                Now that IS great!

                                                                                Not sure what all went into that event, but I feel that a great Rosé gets far, far too little love in the US, and maybe FROM US patrons?

                                                                                Still, sounds like a wonderful experience - in Paris, I let the servers (usually gentlemen) kiss my lovely wife's hand - and that is not difficult, as she speaks French, and I only speak English, or Spanish... [Grin] OTOH, the servers kissed my wife's hand, when in Mexico, and I placed all the orders. They just assumed that SHE was the Hispanic person in our couple, though I did all the speaking. Wishful thinking? I felt like Señor Wences - they all talked to her, but I answered. They fawned over her, but I always answered. Still, we got by for a 30 day honeymoon, into the interior. Heck, when we crossed back into the US, the Customs & Immigration folk demanded HER papers!

                                                                                Nice story, and thank you for sharing.

                                                                                Hunt

                                                                                1. re: Bill Hunt

                                                                                  's OK, 's alright.

                                                                                  wow you don't see a Señor Wences reference everyday. who's next, Topo Gigio?

                                                                                  1. re: hill food

                                                                                    topo gigio speaks his native italian as well as spanish and english (when he became popular, my parents bought me a ceramic topo gigio sculpture/doll that sat on my chest of drawers. he had a large bobble-head, and was dressed in real clothes -- a red & white sailor striped top, as i recall). ( i wish i had him now, but i think his head had an accidente. ;-((.

                                                                                    and i am a huge fan of dry french rosés, having been introduced by "french country wines" in houston, texas. great folks there!

                                                                                    1. re: alkapal

                                                                                      food & wine related topic:

                                                                                      topo gigio sometimes seemed like he had been drinking just a bit, no? this one looks like my topo!

                                                                                       
                                                                                        1. re: alkapal

                                                                                          Obviously, he had either been drinking a FR Rosé, or perhaps an IT Rosato. Both interesting wines, and NOT to be confused with US White Zinfandels, of similar coloration, though there ARE some interesting US Rosés, but mostly from other varietals, than Zinfandel.

                                                                                          Hunt

                                                                                      1. re: hill food

                                                                                        You can never tell. If you "miss a day, you miss a lot... " [Grin]

                                                                                        Hunt

                                                                              2. re: stxmermaid

                                                                                The Rosé version of many grape varietals, can be a bit of a problem. Also, some folk ONLY experience the Rosé version, of some.

                                                                                Since this is an older thread, I cannot recall if I mentioned this situation. At a high-middle restaurant in Denver, we ordered a particular Zinfandel (red) for lunch. The server returned and stated, "That wine is really a white Merlot." We looked at him, and asked him to please explain. His next comment was, "Well, it's listed as a White Zinfandel, but it's really a white Merlot." At that point, I saw the issue, retrieved the wine list, and once more, pointed to the Zinfandel, that we wanted - not a White Zinfandel, or a "white Merlot." He looked at me funny and stated, "Don't you know that all Zinfandels are pink?" I took him aside and explained Zinfandel and White Zinfandels, plus other Rosés of red grapes. Not sure that he ever fully understood.

                                                                                Similar happened at a near-by table, many years ago. The table's host ordered a particular Burgundy from the wine list. The server, or sommelier brought the ordered wine, and presented it. The host accepted it, but, when a tasting pour was offered, he was furious. The wine was white, and just what he ordered. He refused it, and ordered something else. When the server/sommelier left the table, to retrieve the second wine, the host commented loudly, for all to hear, "what sort of restaurant is this? Everyone knows that all Burgundies are red!" Well, I stopped the server/sommelier and took the opened white Burg (a Montrachet), at a greatly discounted price. I smiled, and toasted the near-by table's host, and enjoyed my white Burgundy.

                                                                                OK, that was one from a server, and another from a patron, but you get the picture, or I hope that you do. Too many folk, on both sides of the equation do not know squat about wines, and often it shows.

                                                                                Hunt

                                                                                1. re: Bill Hunt

                                                                                  Just think of all the lovely red Zins that could have been produced had the evil white Zin not have been invented. What a waste.
                                                                                  Current favorite, a stunner: http://www.noceto.com/productinfotabs...

                                                                                  1. re: buttertart

                                                                                    Oh, I completely agree!

                                                                                    White Zin from Sutter Home, and then Beringer and others, allowed many of those very old Zin vines to survive. Then, some winemakers took it upon themselves to develop those old Zin vines.

                                                                                    Michael DeLoach told me a tale, about when his father, Cecil DeLoach bought some vineyard land, when he retired from the SF Fire Department. On two, there were some very old Zin vines. The sellers, asked him to keep those old vines, and on a handshake, he agreed to do so. His bankers begged him to rip them out and plant "popular" varietals, like Merlot. He refused, as had shaken the sellers' hands. In time, he explored those old vines, with small quantities of grapes. He experimented with the output, and discovered that they produced some GREAT Zinfandel (the red kind... grin]. He was so glad that he had been good to his word, as those were very special Zinfandel vines, and the wines were great.

                                                                                    Yes, the much maligned White Zin had many benefits, beyond the direct profits for Sutter Home, and others.

                                                                                    Hunt

                                                                                    1. re: Bill Hunt

                                                                                      "on two" uhh vines? acres? multi-acre plots?

                                                                                      I'm guessing the latter otherwise why would the bankers (investors maybe?) care as long as he was good for the debt.

                                                                                      while my current state's wine industry is vibrant and still uninteresting, it does allow me a smirk that during the blight in the 19th c. root stock from here was sent back to Europe to restore their yards.

                                                                                      1. re: hill food

                                                                                        Bill Hunt & buttertart

                                                                                        PINK ZIN played a big financial role when the California wine industry was hurting.

                                                                                        Harvest to table was 6-9 months for a return.The alternative was 2-4 years to realize any return.Simple $$$$ Not all bad when plan B was very often to rip out vines.I don't drink PINK ZIN,,,,but when looked at from the inception I can't slam it.

                                                                                        1. re: lcool

                                                                                          You are right economically speaking, lcool (I was drinking Zins in the 70's and remember the bad old days for the industry).

                                                                                          1. re: lcool

                                                                                            No argument. It did two things, and I believe that I have mentioned them both - it allowed many Zinfandel vines (really leftover from before and during Prohibition, plus introduced millions of US drinkers to wines.

                                                                                            Though not a fan of what we have known as White Zinfandel, I do doff my hat to the marketing strategy behind that.

                                                                                            Hunt

                                                                                          2. re: hill food

                                                                                            Well, the bankers were urging Cecil DeLoach to plant a varietal, that was "hot" at the time. It happened all up and down Napa and Sonoma. Most bankers want the greatest ROI. This is very common practice.

                                                                                            Hunt

                                                                                            1. re: Bill Hunt

                                                                                              I can understand that, but given the years it can take to establish good vines, I can't help but wonder if they (the bankers) would have been better off thinking about what the next 'hot' varietal might be rather than the flavor of the moment.

                                                                                              it is interesting watching the popularity arcs of any given type of wine (and food) and the when/where as the interests move across the country.

                                                                                              1. re: hill food

                                                                                                Oh I agree. There are so many considerations, regarding the planting of vines, but then, if one has lent $, they DO look for ROI. Bankers are seldom in the business of making great wines, and "betting on the come."

                                                                                                Hunt

                                                                                                1. re: Bill Hunt

                                                                                                  well yeah they want to see their money now, hence my confusion of not chugging (so to speak) forward with the vines they had.

                                                                                                  1. re: hill food

                                                                                                    I am sure that I have missed some "banker-driven" wineries, and their products, but wine is made, first in the vineyard, and then in the barrel house, or mixing room - seldom in a banker's office.

                                                                                                    I have had the pleasure of talking with many winemakers, who bucked their bankers, and not only made very good, to great wines, but also made $ for all concerned.

                                                                                                    Same thing when bankers try to run a restaurant. They often fail badly.

                                                                                                    Hunt

                                                                                            2. re: hill food

                                                                                              i've got a book from the library called "beyond jefferson's vines..." that you might enjoy!

                                                                                              http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Jefferso...

                                                                                              1. re: alkapal

                                                                                                I WILL have to look for that, I love histories of consumables we take for granted. although I will remain largely skeptical of most VA (or MO or NY or TX...) wine.

                                                                              3. re: Bill Hunt

                                                                                slurp drool...Ridge zinfandel...*sigh*

                                                                                1. re: toodie jane

                                                                                  Paul Draper does some great Zins, plus the Monte Bello, but if you ever, ever get the chance, try Larry Turley's 101. It's grown in a tiny vineyard, right in a cloverleaf exchange on Hwy 101. It is a slight departure for Larry, and is more like Paul's touch, but with differences.

                                                                                  OK, back to our regularly scheduled program, already in progress.

                                                                                  Hunt

                                                                                  1. re: Bill Hunt

                                                                                    ah, the wonderful world of hydrocarbons.

                                                                                    1. re: Bill Hunt

                                                                                      Thank you for the tip in any case, my favorite CA wines. Amador especially.

                                                                                      1. re: buttertart

                                                                                        Amador is great, and so is Santa Cruz Mountains, and then Sierra Foothills! Lots of places, that the mainstream has never heard of, though they might know the wines.

                                                                                        Hunt

                                                                                          1. re: buttertart

                                                                                            Doing one tonight!

                                                                                            So many good wines, and so little time...

                                                                                            Hunt

                                                                              4. re: Midknight

                                                                                Once went to a restaurant supposed to be like the Middle Ages - we sat on big wooden logs covered with furs, there was a lots of straw around... and the servers were supposed to be rude.

                                                                                So this guy comes in and asks us - what're you doing here? what do you want, you rabble? in a very patronising voice. And my husband, in a very good mood, answered - what are you waiting for? bring us the food and wine, you bastard (he used a very old version of the word), or I'll get you whipped.

                                                                                The guy actually looked at us in horror and left immediatelly, leaving the service to his colleague. I actually think that he has been dishing out verbal abuse without anybody ever answering him back!

                                                                                  1. re: sasicka

                                                                                    Hm-m, sounds like a Renaissance Festival.

                                                                                    Could be fun, or maybe not?

                                                                                    Hunt

                                                                                    1. re: sasicka

                                                                                      <<or I'll get you whipped.>>

                                                                                      Was that on the first page of the menu, or later on? Did it cost more, or was it included?

                                                                                      Hunt

                                                                                      1. re: Bill Hunt

                                                                                        What, you don't like a nice beating to top off your meal? What's wrong with you?
                                                                                        Great story. Interesting shtick for them to try out - I've been to Ed Debevics in Chicago, where they do the same thing, only in a '50's style diner. The waitresses are supposed to be rude, saucy, and quick with the comebacks. It was fun. One time, it was fun. Kids really like it though. :)

                                                                                        1. re: mamachef

                                                                                          My parents took me to Ed Debevics when I was little, and I thought it was hilariously shocking how rude the waiters were! Until our waiter got out a furry plastic jumping spider on a string and took everything just a step too far... Admittedly, 20 years later, I'd probably still cry!

                                                                                          1. re: mamachef

                                                                                            Dick's Last Resort does much the same thing. The first time I went there the waiter managed to insult each member of the party, calling us old, fat, hicks, and more. At one point, someone was asking about their beer selection and the waiter said "It's just freaking alcohol. You drink it and you get drunk. Pick something already."

                                                                                            I didn't get the appeal.

                                                                                            1. re: 2roadsdiverge

                                                                                              Ah yes, Dick's can be a tad "over the top," but when you have done one, you sort of know what to expect - well, sort of...

                                                                                              Hunt

                                                                                              1. re: 2roadsdiverge

                                                                                                I hated Dick's and was appalled at the way they treated us.
                                                                                                We were in The Flats in Cleveland and the wait staff was just brutal.
                                                                                                I'd never been nor had my girlfriend but the guys had been and knew what we were all in for.
                                                                                                We all had a great night but not having anything to do with that place.

                                                                                              2. re: mamachef

                                                                                                Some of the "retro-themed" places sort of catch me "off-guard," and not with just the menu, but the full presentation... Not sure how to take some things, but that is just me.

                                                                                                Hunt

                                                                                                1. re: Bill Hunt

                                                                                                  The opposite of retro... You might find Space Aliens Bar & Grill in Fargo, Bismarck, Grand Forks or Minot, ND to be out of this world.

                                                                                        2. At Compass in NYC last year - great meal, gracious and attentive but very young server. As she was telling us of the specials of the day, she announced the magret de canard as "margaret duck breast." Pleased to meet you, Margaret!

                                                                                          2 Replies
                                                                                          1. re: BobB

                                                                                            That reminds me of a time I was at a donut shop and I asked the young lady what kind of cream was in the cream filled donuts. She replied, "Barbarian cream."

                                                                                              1. re: beevod

                                                                                                In Montrichard, where in the film 'Catch me if you can' they did.

                                                                                                Me in a bar wasting time for the Sunday afternoon film.

                                                                                                I asked for a coke, on asking 'How much,' she said:

                                                                                                FF`14.75, Would you like to F*^k me?

                                                                                                This was said in French and I was in my seat at the cinema before it came to me.

                                                                                                1. re: Naguere

                                                                                                  Would you like to ---k me? That resonates from a waitress in Lausanne, exact words. Gotta love Switzerland.

                                                                                                  1. re: Naguere

                                                                                                    I'm missing something....

                                                                                                    EDIT: ohhh she was actually asking that, just in French.... a bit slow tonight!

                                                                                                2. I was 20 and went out to dinner with my boyfriend, his sister, and his dad at the Captain's Quarters in Brooklyn. I was NOT a young-looking 20-year old. When we ordered dessert, I ordered chocolate cake. I did not drink coffee and ordered milk with it. The waiter brought our orders and served everyone but me. He swooped down with my glass and said, "And here's milk for the baby." And there went his 20%.

                                                                                                  A few years later, I was having lunch with a friend at the Houlihan's near the Empire State Building. Our waiter was flirty. When we requested the bill, he put his acting comp card (photos, phone number) in the receipt folder. As I opened it, he leaned over and whispered in my ear, "By the way, I'm not gay."

                                                                                                  4 Replies
                                                                                                  1. re: foodiemom10583

                                                                                                    Ha! That reminds me of the time I went out to eat with a bunch of friends. One guy was desperately hitting on the waiter (who was wearing about 10 different gay pride buttons on his shirt). When my friend asked him out, he replied, "I'm not gay."

                                                                                                    1. re: Miss Needle

                                                                                                      LOL! How did that play with your companion and with the group?

                                                                                                      Hunt

                                                                                                      1. re: Bill Hunt

                                                                                                        We all thought it was very funny, especially since the guy was a piece of work. He adamantly kept denying he was gay (even though he kept dragging us to gay clubs and bars) and accused everybody in the group of being in the closet -- of course, everybody with the exception of him. We all shrugged off his accusations because we knew he was just projecting. When the waiter told him he was straight, we did our very best to keep a straight face -- though it was a bit difficult. I was also amazed that the waiter was able to say that with a straight face as well!

                                                                                                        Thank goodness that he came out about five years later. I'm happy that he's being honest with himself.

                                                                                                        1. re: Miss Needle

                                                                                                          I cannot imagine how you were able to stay calm. Glad that you did, as there was probably enough embarrassment in the room, to fill the QE2.

                                                                                                          Still, a good one!

                                                                                                          Hunt

                                                                                                  2. Two that stand out - at Wagamama's recently, and they had obviously cut corners in their recipes (this is a branch in London) and my spicy prawn noodle soup with coconut milk had very little in the way of the aforementioned milk. When I mentioned it to the waiter, he said (with a straight face): "There's a world-wide shortage of coconut milk, we're just doing our bit." I laughed, and told him that next time I'd bring them a tin.

                                                                                                    Second one was a year or so ago - I was at a family event, great-uncle's 80th birthday. My aunt (early 40's) was there with her husband (late 40's) and their toddler. The waitress could not wrap her head around such an 'old' mother (and my aunt looks about 35, if that) and kept asking me if I needed to order anything for my 'husband' as he was busy looking after 'our' baby. Because she was being sweet and dense, rather than rude, we did find it amusing.

                                                                                                    1 Reply
                                                                                                    1. re: ultimatepotato

                                                                                                      That would certainly explain why the price on coconut milk around here almost doubled over the course of two months... Wonder what's going on.

                                                                                                    2. I was contemplating dessert this past weekend and wondered what our waitress might think was the best choice. In an attempt to gauge whether it would be "worth it" for me, I asked, "Do you bake?" She gave me a rather strange look. I said, "Well, because I bake, so I can be kinda picky." She said, "Oh, I thought you said, 'Do you masturbate?'" HOLY SMOKES...really, people ask these kind of questions?! They never did when I waited tables. :)

                                                                                                      4 Replies
                                                                                                        1. re: buttertart

                                                                                                          I thought it might be the same restaurant inaplasticup described up thread!

                                                                                                        2. re: kattyeyes

                                                                                                          Sounds like too long with the iPod, on very high...

                                                                                                          Hunt

                                                                                                          1. re: Bill Hunt

                                                                                                            Maybe she'd recently watched Idiocracy?

                                                                                                        3. I've told this before here but my brother asked what the soup du jour was and the waitress responded, condescendingly, "Oh honey, it's the soup of the day." Thanks.

                                                                                                          7 Replies
                                                                                                          1. re: chowser

                                                                                                            MMM..that sounds good ill have that..... movie?

                                                                                                            I worked as a waiter in college and during a busy night I had a table waiting at least two hours for their food and then eventually had to tell them that the kitchen ran out of their dish. This happened multiple times that night as the kitchen wasnt prepared for the crowd....I had nightmares of people mad at me for days afterwords. Be nice to your waiters if its out of their control. But if they are inept...let them have it.

                                                                                                            SWEATY DONKY!

                                                                                                            1. re: FoodExpression

                                                                                                              Did you tell them the truth, that the kitchen was not prepared and that is why they did not get what they ordered?

                                                                                                              1. re: DougRisk

                                                                                                                Yea but you can imagine that people didnt want to hear it after waiting so long. Esp the area was East Hampton NY so people were not used to not getting what they want.

                                                                                                                Thankfully i no longer have to be waiter.

                                                                                                                1. re: FoodExpression

                                                                                                                  Oh God, of all places. Must have been hell.

                                                                                                                  1. re: FoodExpression

                                                                                                                    Also, again, quite curious, during the 2 hour wait, did you let them know how much longer it would be ("only 45 more minutes")?

                                                                                                                    1. re: DougRisk

                                                                                                                      There was no way of knowing...the chef was in a complete mind-f**k and couldnt communicate the simplest answer....only thing to say was..I apologize for the wait and your food should be out shortly...cant tell the customer....i have no idea how long it will take or if there will even be any food left over....

                                                                                                              2. re: chowser

                                                                                                                HA! I have heard that reply at least a handful of times! I didn't ask what does "soup du jour" MEAN? Must be new to the restaurant business, OR never ate soup out of the house before :)

                                                                                                              3. A waiter at a BBQ place years ago once told our dining party that we were ordering way too much food. "I don't like to see food wasted," he said. Way to push the entrees and get a higher tip for yourself!

                                                                                                                He could not have known that two people in the party were hardcore Atkins Diet followers.

                                                                                                                1. Thanks for the smiles and laughs guys. Those are all great server stories!

                                                                                                                  1. Small town supper club with your more-or-less typical steak-or-fish/potato-choice/salad bar menu.

                                                                                                                    One in our party ordered the fish special, and asked what kind of fish it was. The server frowned a bit, and then said "It's the Big Fish." Okay. Question rephrased, as to what *type* of fish the Big Fish was. Another frown, then the server worked her hands back and forth to settle on an approximate size and shape, and said "It's about like this." (N.B.: there is studiously suppressed mirth bubbling up in the party at this point.) She goes on to say that she prefers the Little Fish, but that's only on the kids menu for 12 and younger. She preferred them because "the Little Fish are golden and crispy, but the Big Fish is more just beige." (I can only assume that by "little fish," she was referring to the fish stick basket kids menu item.)

                                                                                                                    Oh. My. We did all manage to maintain our composure and not fall off our chairs laughing, but it was very tough. Since we all considered that it might be wise after this exchange to opt for the steak, I can't tell you what that Big-Beige-Fish-About-Like-This was. I'm still a bit curious, to tell the truth.

                                                                                                                    1 Reply
                                                                                                                    1. re: cayjohan

                                                                                                                      OMG LMAO! I would not have been able to control my self, I'm bad at that and end up having to apologize while laughing... you and your friends are truly masters at not laughing.

                                                                                                                    2. It was not towards me but my mother... She ordered soup and our waitress came back very serious and polite ... Convo went like this

                                                                                                                      Waitress: I am very sorry your soup was not warm enough...
                                                                                                                      Mother: No it was fine, don't worry
                                                                                                                      Watress: Oh, I thought is was cold since you managed to woof it down that fast..

                                                                                                                      Needless to say we do not go there anymore hahahahaahha

                                                                                                                      1 Reply
                                                                                                                      1. re: Augie6

                                                                                                                        OK...I just snorted wine up nose on that one....LMAO

                                                                                                                      2. In some small town in Denver, CO...i was on a businesst trip and my boss and I walked into a restaurant that looked to be ok.

                                                                                                                        My boss ordered some kind of steak and I ordered a fish dish. The waiter never asked him, how done he wanted his meat so he called him back to make sure he wanted the meat med. rare. He said, umm..oh, sure...and wrote something long on his ordering note. and then he looked at me and asked me, how do your like your fish? I said, excuse me? He said, you know..do you want it well done or rare?? I was in shock by now and blurred out, well done please!!!

                                                                                                                        1 Reply
                                                                                                                        1. re: Monica

                                                                                                                          in the server's defense, for certain types of fish they *should* ask the diner about temperature preference.

                                                                                                                          sure, fish like trout, halibut, sole, etc should be *just* cooked through, but i'd never specify "well done" because that often means bone-dry or rubbery. and for me, fresh tuna should never be cooked past rare, and i prefer salmon, arctic char, yellowtail, opah, swordfish and the like medium-rare.

                                                                                                                        2. A year or so ago: "Can I see ID?" After deciding the waitress was in fact serious, I complied. "Oh my God, you're older than my mom!" Yep, that's why I was suprised she asked (and no, I don't think I look particulary young for my advanced age.)

                                                                                                                          40 Replies
                                                                                                                          1. re: gaffk

                                                                                                                            I assume said server got a big tip! :-)

                                                                                                                            1. re: gaffk

                                                                                                                              Well, I get "carded" at several airport establishments. I'm 63, and after a few days of harried flying, look 85. Still, they ask to see the I.D. Heck, I could be their grand-father, or maybe great-grand-father.

                                                                                                                              I feel your pain.

                                                                                                                              Hunt

                                                                                                                              1. re: Bill Hunt

                                                                                                                                Certain airports, Chicago is one, have a blanket policy that they card *everyone*. It may even be by local ordinance.

                                                                                                                                It makes sense, equal enforcement, no guesswork.

                                                                                                                                1. re: pamf

                                                                                                                                  Salt Lake City Airport is the same way.

                                                                                                                                  1. re: tracylee

                                                                                                                                    I've never flown into SLC. When we traveled there, we drove, and brought our wine from CO, so never have encountered that. Now I know to keep the passport handy, should we be diverted to SLC.

                                                                                                                                    Thanks,

                                                                                                                                    Hunt

                                                                                                                                  2. re: pamf

                                                                                                                                    PHX Sky Harbor is another one. Strangely (at least to me) no others, that I can think of do so, and that includes most of the majors in the US, and many majors in Western Europe/UK. Do not know about Asia, or Eastern Europe - maybe there too?

                                                                                                                                    Still, I now know to keep my passport handy at ORD, or PHX. Forewarned is forearmed.

                                                                                                                                    Hunt

                                                                                                                                    1. re: Bill Hunt

                                                                                                                                      Las Vegas, Little Rock, and Denver airports all do the same.

                                                                                                                                      1. re: mtngirlnv

                                                                                                                                        Hm-m-m, been a bit, but I do not recall that at LAS, and as we fly through DEN/DIA very often, have never encountered that, though we normally eat at Pour La France (with wine) in the Concourse B hub. Now, we often are drinking at the RCC on either side of the hub, and have also never been carded there, but that is to be expected.

                                                                                                                                        It has been decades, since I flew into LIT, and just cannot recall.

                                                                                                                                        Thanks for that, as I will not be surprised.

                                                                                                                                        Hunt

                                                                                                                                        1. re: Bill Hunt

                                                                                                                                          Dallas-Ft. Worth cards everyone, too. The first time I was carded there, I was quite flattered... until the 70-ish gentleman at the next table was also carded.

                                                                                                                                          1. re: Ima Wurdibitsch

                                                                                                                                            Have not flown into DFW in some years, so thanks for the H/U.

                                                                                                                                            Was just in CLT, and was carded, though my lovely wife, who is, and looks, younger, than I, was not? I did not make a deal of that.

                                                                                                                                            Thanks,

                                                                                                                                            Hunt

                                                                                                                                          2. re: Bill Hunt

                                                                                                                                            I've got a few years on you, Bill, and got carded Miami last month.

                                                                                                                                            1. re: JoanN

                                                                                                                                              JoanN,

                                                                                                                                              How can anyone have "a few years on ME????"

                                                                                                                                              Seriously, I have only been "carded" at airports, at least in the last 50 years!

                                                                                                                                              Hunt

                                                                                                                                    2. re: Bill Hunt

                                                                                                                                      Buena Vista Cafe, where Irish coffee was invented, has opened a second restaurant in San Francisco's United Terminal. They card everyone! No matter how many times I try to sneak past the I.D. natzi, I never make it :=(

                                                                                                                                      1. re: pilotgirl210

                                                                                                                                        I will keep that in mind. Normally, if we're on an early flight, it's just off to the Starbucks dispenser in the RCC, but then much depends on WHEN we are flying out.

                                                                                                                                        Thank you for the H/U.

                                                                                                                                        Hunt

                                                                                                                                        1. re: pilotgirl210

                                                                                                                                          That is fabulous news! I rarely travel for business so when I'm at SFO I'm off to vacationland. Starting off with an Irish Coffee is one of the best ways I can think of! Thanks!

                                                                                                                                          1. re: cosmogrrl

                                                                                                                                            And the Buena Vista makes the very best!! There is also a Chinese food vendor in the same terminal that makes one of the best War Won Ton soup bowls I've ever eaten. It features not just the won tons but also noodles in the bottom of the bowl. Delicious!! (And one reason why I always try to allow extra layover time when I'm in SFO!!)

                                                                                                                                            1. re: pilotgirl210

                                                                                                                                              that makes it wor won ton min instead of wor won ton. (wor/war, alternate spellings)

                                                                                                                                              sounds good. making me hungry

                                                                                                                                      2. re: gaffk

                                                                                                                                        LOL That happened to me recently and I was completely taken aback as I hadn't been asked for ID for years (legal drinking age in Australia is 18 and I'm just about to turn 30). I was feeling pretty good until my friend who happens to be younger than me asked the guy if he wanted to see her ID. He declined and she barely spoke another word for the night. Oops!

                                                                                                                                        1. re: TheHuntress

                                                                                                                                          A similar thing happened to me at 26 when out with my husband, SIL (6 months younger than I), and her bf - I was carded and no one else was. Heh heh.

                                                                                                                                          1. re: buttertart

                                                                                                                                            This happens regularly when my DH and I go out. Half the time the servers don't even feign interest in seeing his ID when they card "us". I'm sure he can't wait until the wrinkles roll in :)

                                                                                                                                          2. re: TheHuntress

                                                                                                                                            I forget where I read the story, I think it was a newspaper column, where a woman got all excited, saying "Did you hear that? He wants to see my ID!" and the bartender told her "I don't need to see it now."

                                                                                                                                            1. re: TheHuntress

                                                                                                                                              This happened to me last year in London. I was 27 and with three other girls who ranged in age from 27-32. The bouncer asked to see my ID, but when my other friend asked if he needed to see everyone's he told her he 'didn't want to waste their time.'

                                                                                                                                              1. re: tywn31

                                                                                                                                                DH and I went out to a restaurant a couple of weeks ago. I tried to order a strawberry daquiri, and the server said "A virgin one, right?"

                                                                                                                                                She didn't even ask for ID, just assumed I was underage. I'm 29, and nope, I don't even remotely look like I could be pregnant.

                                                                                                                                                I told her, no, actually, I would like one with real alcohol, and would be happy to give her my ID if necessary. My husband looks older than he is (he's only 30, but is balding), so I wonder exactly what kind of relationship she thought we had going on there. To give her credit, she seemed super mortified, and was really nice and a great server for the remainder of the evening, and even took us to a new table when the obnoxious people next to us insisted on watching a sports game on their cell phone with the volume WAY up.

                                                                                                                                                1. re: jw615

                                                                                                                                                  Oh, don't worry, you'll have YEARS more of that as restaurants and bars become increasingly more careful. I was unable to get a beer at a local bar after a sporting event THIS SUMMER....I am 47...because I didn't have my ID. My husband produced his ID that said he was born in 1955. He had just ordered a Coke and I suggested we just switch orders. The server seemed to take that as proof we were up to monkey business and we had to leave before we were asked to leave. I know I'm late to this discussion but I wanted to memorialize it. I immediately texted all my friends. ;-)

                                                                                                                                                  1. re: danna

                                                                                                                                                    good grief. goodbye common sense.

                                                                                                                                                    1. re: alkapal

                                                                                                                                                      t' not so much about common sense, it's about law suits and other things that changed the laws. Basically, you have to have proof of ID (e.g. a legal ID) otherwise the bar/restaurant are fined if the ABC or the police discover that a patron doesn't have ID.

                                                                                                                                                      It probably stemmed from under 21 kids getting served because they "looked" old enough.

                                                                                                                                                      1. re: cosmogrrl

                                                                                                                                                        That brings to mind another funny story that took place MANY years ago. We were at a local bar celebrating my 21st birthday. As a good city girl, I didn't have a drivers license and I wasn't about to pull out my fake ID for the cops who, as luck would have it, raided the bar that night. So I'm showing the cops my college class ring, explaining I just graduated and turning 21 and don't have a DL.

                                                                                                                                                        At that moment, the bartender very helpfully jumps over the bar, rushes to our table and says to the cop: "Kim has been coming to this bar for years. I assure you, she is not under age." OK, so it was the funniest thing a server said to a cop, not me ;)

                                                                                                                                                        I recall it being awkward, but I didn't end up with a citation and I was welcomed back to the bar the next week, so I can only assume they were not issued a citation either. The 80s was such a lovely decade.

                                                                                                                                                        1. re: gaffk

                                                                                                                                                          boy, i'd love to have seen your and the cops' expressions right then!

                                                                                                                                                          1. re: alkapal

                                                                                                                                                            Yes, if only there had been cell phone cameras everywhere back then!

                                                                                                                                                    2. re: danna

                                                                                                                                                      At 65, going on 66, I still get carded, though mostly at airport restaurants. I keep my US Passport handy, as I expect it.

                                                                                                                                                      Hunt

                                                                                                                                                  2. re: tywn31

                                                                                                                                                    Ah, that "glow of youth." Enjoy it.

                                                                                                                                                    Hunt

                                                                                                                                                    1. re: Bill Hunt

                                                                                                                                                      and after "that glow of youth"

                                                                                                                                                      Is are you a senior?At 67 and silvered out red hair it gets asked.I get caught by surprise with the question regularly,for discounts I don't keep track of.

                                                                                                                                                      1. re: lcool

                                                                                                                                                        We ARE contemporaries and even had similar hair color.

                                                                                                                                                        Children ask about the "War Between the States," and how things were, back then.

                                                                                                                                                        Hunt

                                                                                                                                                      2. re: Bill Hunt

                                                                                                                                                        We at least had a good laugh about it - I actually felt bad for the server, because she seemed so embarrassed.

                                                                                                                                                        A few years ago, before I met DH, I was on a first date at a museum. When we went to buy tickets, the cashier looked at the guy and said: "One adult ticket, and how old is your little girl?" Way, way worse than someone not wanting to serve me.

                                                                                                                                                        1. re: jw615

                                                                                                                                                          I get that a lot, with my young wife. At least the "tattler section" of the local paper does not pick us out...

                                                                                                                                                          Hunt

                                                                                                                                                          1. re: jw615

                                                                                                                                                            LOL Excellent. Hey, on the bright side maintaining a youthful glow is a great thing as you get older. I LOVE it when I go out and I get told I don't look old enough to have children, let alone an 8 year old. It allows me to continue behaving irresponsibly without question for as long as possible ;)

                                                                                                                                                            1. re: TheHuntress

                                                                                                                                                              TH - and gives you a chance to work on your Jane Horrocks (as Bubble) or Jennifer Tilly (in most everything) character impersonations, they don't look that young anymore, but the ditsy roles are timeless...

                                                                                                                                                              1. re: hill food

                                                                                                                                                                Bubble was one of my favourite AbFab characters and allegedly I used to be able to mimic her very well. Definitely timeless roles and not to mention a LOT of fun. Maybe I should experiment and try spending an evening out in the character of Bubble (even if I'm tall and dark, rather than petite and blonde) - would be great to mix the attire up and run havoc in a bar. Would have to be somewhere I don't normally go, however, or my cover would be foiled...hmm...

                                                                                                                                                                1. re: TheHuntress

                                                                                                                                                                  your choice(s) of attire would be endless...

                                                                                                                                                  3. I once asked a question about a special and the waiter replied in a heavy accent from a country I couldn't identify, "Do not order it. It's sheety." My friends and I must have looked really shocked before roaring with laughter. The waiter abruptly left, conferred with the hostess, who must have chewed him out, because he came back and rather sheepishly apologized for his poor word choice, "I mean to say it is crappy."

                                                                                                                                                    Yes, we left him a huge tip (and we were all broke students) as a thank you for his honesty. I really do appreciate a warning when some item on the menu is nasty.

                                                                                                                                                    8 Replies
                                                                                                                                                      1. re: Isolda

                                                                                                                                                        HA HA HA...along similar lines, when I was a kid, we used to go to a Chinese restaurant in town. You know the part at the end when the waiter brings the warm towels to the table? Well, not only did ours have an accent, but he had a lisp, too. To this day, my mom and I still say "Be kefful...ITH HOT!" after the towels are presented (to ourselves, of course). "It's sheety" is even funnier, tho'! :)

                                                                                                                                                        1. re: Isolda

                                                                                                                                                          Too cute. I would have tipped him big too.

                                                                                                                                                            1. re: Isolda

                                                                                                                                                              Ah, too many times do I only wish that my server (or the sommelier) had been so brutally honest. Would have saved me much culinary grief.

                                                                                                                                                              Bless him!

                                                                                                                                                              Hunt

                                                                                                                                                              1. re: Bill Hunt

                                                                                                                                                                We actually did have an honest wine experience (with the server, not the sommelier) on a trip to Vermont last month. The restaurant was featuring several wines, so DH asked how one of them was. The server replied, "Okay, I guess. Most people send it back, though."

                                                                                                                                                                1. re: Isolda

                                                                                                                                                                  That should be at the very top, or at least high on the Honorable Mention list!!!

                                                                                                                                                                  Big LOL, and thanks for that. Glad that I had swallowed my Montrechet, before I read.

                                                                                                                                                                  Great one,

                                                                                                                                                                  Hunt

                                                                                                                                                              2. re: Isolda

                                                                                                                                                                Please don't post anything that funny again,some of us are at work, and they can hear the muffled laughter in the conference room. Plus I don't have eye liner anymore ;-)

                                                                                                                                                                My humble contribution is this:

                                                                                                                                                                After sending back some perfectly hideous nigiri at a newly opened sushi restaurant, the manager came over and expressed her dismay and disbelief that the fish could be bad...."because we get it flown in fresh every week"

                                                                                                                                                              3. For our tenth wedding anniversary we went up to Manhattan for a weekend, and being a Tony Bourdain nerd my husband wanted to go to Les Halles. We decided to get a bottle of wine, and my husband told the waiter that I should do the tasting since I was more experienced. So back the waiter came with our chosen bottle, poured a little in my glass. I took a sip and it went down the wrong way for some reason, causing me to choke and spit the wine into my napkin. The waiter said "Jesus Christ, was it really that f***ing bad?" Between laughing and trying to explain it seemed like forever before I got my breath back.

                                                                                                                                                                8 Replies
                                                                                                                                                                1. re: MandalayVA

                                                                                                                                                                  One of the funniest wine tasting stories I have EVER read....

                                                                                                                                                                  1. re: MandalayVA

                                                                                                                                                                    That is a riot! My daughter, who read over my shoulder, is still laughing..

                                                                                                                                                                    1. re: MandalayVA

                                                                                                                                                                      OMG that was too funny! Best laugh I've had in a long time!

                                                                                                                                                                      1. re: MandalayVA

                                                                                                                                                                        Oh, man, I'm laughing so hard that I'm tearing up.

                                                                                                                                                                        1. re: Terrieltr

                                                                                                                                                                          I can't breathe...*gasp*....Woo Hoo...Oh too funny!

                                                                                                                                                                        2. re: MandalayVA

                                                                                                                                                                          I am crying right now, from laughing so hard knowing what the wait staff is like in NYC.

                                                                                                                                                                          1. re: Onepotmeals

                                                                                                                                                                            I think it's more reflective of the wait staff in a restaurant that would employ the likes of Bourdain. ;-)

                                                                                                                                                                        3. At a restaurant in the Bahamas we'd ordered Scorch Conch (conch salad) to start but our main courses arrived first. No problem we figured, we'll just eat it when it arrives. It never did so when the waitress brought the cheque and we were charged for the Scorch Conch we called her over to mention it. She replied "Oh, it's coming. You can take it home because the cook went for a walk and he just got back.

                                                                                                                                                                          We still laugh about that to this day!

                                                                                                                                                                          2 Replies
                                                                                                                                                                          1. re: Breadcrumbs

                                                                                                                                                                            This has to be my favourite story! You just can't help some people.

                                                                                                                                                                            1. re: Number

                                                                                                                                                                              She said it in such a "matter of fact" style that we could only conclude this was a fairly common occurrence!! It really was comical!

                                                                                                                                                                          2. Years ago I had dinner at Durgin Park in Boston, a restaurant that is known for having surly waitresses--on purpose. I did not know that fact. We were seated at a table that was still being cleared and then, as was their practice, they put a clean white tablecloth right on top of the dirty one. As it floated down, I noticed a green pea disappear underneath. When the waitress came I explained that there was a pea under the tablecloth. She said in a concerned voice "Oh, really, where?" I pointed to the spot. I had just pulled my hand away when her fist came down on that spot, leaving behind the green stain of a smashed pea. Then she stood up, pulled the pencil from behind her ear and said "There. Now what will you have?" I was speechless.

                                                                                                                                                                            3 Replies
                                                                                                                                                                            1. re: escondido123

                                                                                                                                                                              She obviously never read Princess and the pea.

                                                                                                                                                                              1. re: escondido123

                                                                                                                                                                                Durgin Park service has been like that for years. I don't believe the waitstaff is intentionally rude. I've been to restaurants, like Ed Debevec's, where the waitstaff IS intentionally rude. They would never mash food on the table cloth.

                                                                                                                                                                                1. re: escondido123

                                                                                                                                                                                  We dined at a somewhat similar restaurant in Chicago. They are known for having "surly waitstaff," and our server started with a bit of that "attitude." In moments, and after a longish discussion on wines, he became one of the nicest servers, that I have ever had. Maybe it did not hurt that my wife noted his resemblance to Payton Manning? Regardless, the entire tenor of the service changed, and for the better. He was very efficient, but a snarling frown turned into a smile, almost instantly.

                                                                                                                                                                                  Hunt

                                                                                                                                                                                2. once at an expensive NY-area steakhouse, i went through my *entire* spiel about gluten, flour & wheat with my server, asked him detailed questions about several menu items, and finally settled on the lobster tail. much to my surprise, my plate arrived at the table with a pile of monstrous onion rings propped up on the lobster! when i asked him what they were doing on the plate, he said "Oh, they come with it, i just didn't bother to mention it to you." [sigh.] so i reminded him about the gluten issue. his response? "But there's no flour on them, just breading."

                                                                                                                                                                                  18 Replies
                                                                                                                                                                                  1. re: goodhealthgourmet

                                                                                                                                                                                    I ordered a burger, requested no bun. Quizzical look so I explained I can't have wheat. Server lit up with a big smile.......you can have ours, they aren't wheat they are white.

                                                                                                                                                                                    1. re: coastie

                                                                                                                                                                                      ha! love it :)

                                                                                                                                                                                      just this morning i called a local restaurant to find out if i would be able to eat there because they have a very strict "no modifications" policy and i didn't want to be stuck with only one or two options. here's the pertinent part of the conversation i had with the woman who answered the phone%3

                                                                                                                                                                                      Me: "I have Celiac disease, so I can't eat anything that contains gluten. Since I know you have a strict policy against substitutions I just wanted to be sure that I'll actually have more than one or two choices that are safe for me to order as-is."

                                                                                                                                                                                      Her: "Well we have a lot of vegetables so you should be fine."

                                                                                                                                                                                      3F?? does she think gluten has something to do with animals???

                                                                                                                                                                                      i pressed on...

                                                                                                                                                                                      Me: "Yes, I know that. The problem is that wheat, flour and bread products contain gluten, and I can see from your online menu that most of the vegetable dishes are garnished with breadcrumbs, croutons, or "crispy" items that have probably been fried in contaminated oil. And I'm guessing some others might contain those things as well but may not be listed."

                                                                                                                                                                                      Her: "Oh. Um, I don't know what to tell you. I guess *you should look at our menu online* to see if there are things you can order. It changes every day, but it will give you an idea of what we have."

                                                                                                                                                                                      WTF? argh!!!!

                                                                                                                                                                                      1. re: goodhealthgourmet

                                                                                                                                                                                        Poor thing, brain clearly not engaged. Poor you to suffer her.

                                                                                                                                                                                        1. re: goodhealthgourmet

                                                                                                                                                                                          GHG--that must be very frustrating to have to do all the time. especially considering the severity of your illness. i shudder...

                                                                                                                                                                                          reminds me--some years ago when i was vegan, my family had a big dinner at a local restaurant. lotsa meat. there was only one vegan main on the menu--rice and grilled veggies. the waitress even asked the chef for me, and I got the okay. so after i've downed almost the entire plate, i notice what looks like a small piece of meat at the bottom of the rice. then another. aaaand then a whole pile of it. i asked the waitress what it was and she said: "it's chicken. we cook the rice with a chicken carcass for flavor. but it's okay--it's just for flavor. you don't have to eat the actual chicken."

                                                                                                                                                                                          umm?

                                                                                                                                                                                          i will admit in retrospect that it was mighty tasty. no meat for all those years and you forget how delicious it is.

                                                                                                                                                                                          1. re: nothingswrong

                                                                                                                                                                                            wow, that's BAD...and you handled it much better than i would have - in my veg days i don't know that i could have kept that unexpected chicken down long enough to make it to the restroom!

                                                                                                                                                                                            1. re: goodhealthgourmet

                                                                                                                                                                                              Oh, I panicked and ran to the bathroom immediately but decided to do my best to keep it down. I was definitely disgusted all that night--the word "carcass" is what especially got to me. I've been back to that restaurant since eating meat again many times though and that rice is something I crave now. It's so so delicious. Chicken carcass is apparently the key to great flavorful rice :)

                                                                                                                                                                                              1. re: nothingswrong

                                                                                                                                                                                                I laughed at this post more than any other on this thread.

                                                                                                                                                                                                I'm NOT proud of it, but as an avowed carnivore, that last line just got me.

                                                                                                                                                                                                Please accept my heartiest apologies...

                                                                                                                                                                                                ...and thanks!

                                                                                                                                                                                                1. re: DoobieWah

                                                                                                                                                                                                  I was at a Greek wedding once and the meal wasn't plated, it was brought around on platters and the server would put some on your plate. One of the platters was veal and I let the server know I didn't want any. She looked taken aback and said it was excellent. I replied that I didn't eat veal and she said "why, it's just baby cow"!!

                                                                                                                                                                                                  1. re: kireland

                                                                                                                                                                                                    Reminiscent of the scene from "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" where he tells the future inlaws he doesn't eat meat, and the aunt shrugs and says "Well, then, have some lamb!" (Or something to that effect....:-)

                                                                                                                                                                                                    1. re: janetofreno

                                                                                                                                                                                                      as a greek ex-vegan and vegetarian, that scene immediately popped into my head! don't know what it is about older generation greeks, but they seem particularly confused/disgusted/uncomfortable when one of their own won't eat meat. or--gasp!--seafood.

                                                                                                                                                                                                      i saw my big fat greek wedding the first time with my mother and when that scene came, we both laughed heartily. when i first told my parents i was going to stop eating meat, i was a kid. mom looked confused, sat in silence for a while then finally said, "Okay... well... you'll just eat chicken then?"

                                                                                                                                                                                                      1. re: nothingswrong

                                                                                                                                                                                                        my parents said the same thing! i became a vegetarian when i was 14, and Mom tried to convince me that i couldn't possibly survive (or live under their roof) unless i at least ate poultry. she lost that battle ;)

                                                                                                                                                                                                        1. re: janetofreno

                                                                                                                                                                                                          "He don't eat no MEAT?!? Whaddya MEAN he don't eat no meat??!?" *deliberately ratches self down* " It's okay- I make lamb."

                                                                                                                                                                                                          One of the best movie lines ever!

                                                                                                                                                                                              2. re: goodhealthgourmet

                                                                                                                                                                                                Makes you apprecviate a good waiter, doesn't it? :-)

                                                                                                                                                                                                1. re: goodhealthgourmet

                                                                                                                                                                                                  In defense of the restaurant, some establishments have a policy that they won't make any claim about the ability to prepare dishes without specific ingredients to cater to patrons with food allergies. The reason for this is that in case a grain of wheat falls into the supposedly-gluten-free dish, they could be held responsible for misleading the diner and causing damage. As a result, they want the diner to check the menu and then ask very specific questions about the ingredients, not to ask open-ended questions like, "what do you have that doesn't have wheat, and gluten, and sugar, and dairy, and ..."

                                                                                                                                                                                                2. re: coastie

                                                                                                                                                                                                  on the opposite end of that one -
                                                                                                                                                                                                  this reminded me of my first restaurant job, i was taking an order and the customer ordered a double cheeseburger, no bun. i was 14 and grew up in a no-fuss type of household and we didn't get much in terms of "special requests" and didn't really grasp that there were food allergies aside lactose. i could not grasp for the life of me why he didn't want the bread.
                                                                                                                                                                                                  i recall giving him the most quizzical look and even telling the kitchen very confused. i think on it now and just think about how rude i must have come off to that family.

                                                                                                                                                                                                  1. re: pie22

                                                                                                                                                                                                    I did something very similar when I worked in a deli. We always wore latex gloves, and a customer asked me to get her a stromboli, but to take off my gloves first. I thought I was mis-hearing her, and after asking her to repeat herself a couple of times, she explained that she had a latex allergy. Ah!

                                                                                                                                                                                              3. In Venice, our lovely lecherous waiter, who was 70 if he was a day, watched as I spilled something on myself... "En la tavola, come a letto, fai quello che voi!" - At the table, as in bed, do as you like! he was feeding me delectable moleche, so I was completely in his thrall.

                                                                                                                                                                                                5 Replies
                                                                                                                                                                                                1. re: mariacarmen

                                                                                                                                                                                                  I think that is a very delightful way to deal with a spill.

                                                                                                                                                                                                    1. re: mariacarmen

                                                                                                                                                                                                      we were in a trattoria in florence, when the wife/waitress accidentally tipped the whole plate of pasta onto our table. the husband/owner came over, looked at the steaming mess, shrugged, and said "put a little cheese on it"

                                                                                                                                                                                                    2. We are in a casual dining restaurant in a small southern town. The waitress comes to the table and asks "So, how's this going to go down?"

                                                                                                                                                                                                      We're a bit dumfounded, but rally to reply "you're going to take our order, then bring the food to us when the kitchen has cooked it"

                                                                                                                                                                                                      I'm still not sure just what she was asking...

                                                                                                                                                                                                      3 Replies
                                                                                                                                                                                                      1. re: PickyChicky

                                                                                                                                                                                                        that is the funniest!

                                                                                                                                                                                                        "how is this going to go down?"" LOL!!!!!!!!!!

                                                                                                                                                                                                        ummm

                                                                                                                                                                                                        """"" yeah, see the heist is gonna be at nine o'clock over at boyle's drug store, ya see? and bunny.. bunny she's gonna hit the guy over the head and scram…ya get it?"

                                                                                                                                                                                                        1. Years and years ago, it was a "girls night out" at a "young/hip" kind of restaurant/lounge. We were having fun, ordering drinks, etc and a few of the waiter "boys" were coming by the table to chat for a minute. A few had very thick accents and were being a bit "flirty" -but not overly so. When our food arrived, our main waiter said something to the effect of " it has been fun talking to you, I know you want to f*** us, so please, lets talk when you finished your meal".

                                                                                                                                                                                                          We about died! We mentioned this to a female waitress and said that we might have a problem??? A few minutes later, the young waiter came up to the table and set a napkin down in front of me, pointed to it and said "f*** us"....the napkin was printed with the word FOCUS.

                                                                                                                                                                                                          11 Replies
                                                                                                                                                                                                          1. re: sedimental

                                                                                                                                                                                                            Oh my. I just choked on my drink over that one. LOL.

                                                                                                                                                                                                            1. re: CyndiA

                                                                                                                                                                                                              Maybe he always said it and the word was interpreted differently based on the reaction to it. ;-)

                                                                                                                                                                                                            2. re: sedimental

                                                                                                                                                                                                              i sure wish chow had a "like" button! that's great! let me foc-us on my meal here!

                                                                                                                                                                                                              1. re: sedimental

                                                                                                                                                                                                                Pronunciation and enunciation can mean EVERYTHING! Wars have been fought over someone "not understanding."

                                                                                                                                                                                                                Great one,

                                                                                                                                                                                                                Hunt

                                                                                                                                                                                                                1. re: Bill Hunt

                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Hitchhiker's Guide, table, wormholes, war, all swallowed up by a small dog. 'nuff said. (this is my very geekiest moment on Chowhound)

                                                                                                                                                                                                                  1. re: cosmogrrl

                                                                                                                                                                                                                    YES. i know EXACTLY what you speak of. :)

                                                                                                                                                                                                                2. re: sedimental

                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Reminds me of the story of the French ambassador's wife who stood at a state dinner to give a toast expressing her wish that the host would always have "a penis". After a short consultation with her husband she repeated herself, wishing this time for "happiness"

                                                                                                                                                                                                                  1. re: 2roadsdiverge

                                                                                                                                                                                                                    That's really funny--it took me a minute to figure that out. It's like Jacques Torres saying he says baking pan because when he says "sheet" pan, people always laugh.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                    1. re: 2roadsdiverge

                                                                                                                                                                                                                      My aunt in Turkey had to go to a dinner at the British Embassy. She knew very little English and learned some basic words from the family. At one point she needed to excuse herself to go to the ladies, so she turned to the man next to her and said "Squeeze me", he said "I beg your pardon, and she replied "Squeeze me!", he then said with a smile "I would love to but I don't think that's what you want!". Another family member was across the table trying very hard to not burst into laughter, and was incapable of speech. We still laugh at this story and it's 40 years later.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                      1. re: cosmogrrl

                                                                                                                                                                                                                        That is a gem!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Thank you for sharing with us, even if the servers did not say it, it was worth the time, and I got one heck of a laugh out of it.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                        I am sure that there are posts on the Italian boards, where servers are now retelling some of MY comments, though I did try. Even with some practice and good intentions, things can just go wrong, when languages come into play.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Appreciated,

                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Hunt

                                                                                                                                                                                                                    2. re: sedimental

                                                                                                                                                                                                                      I think this is one of the funniest stories I have EVER heard! Focus, I love it!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                    3. What made me think of this thread to start with was a trip to New York City. I met up with my brother, so I was much more focused on visiting than food.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                      The server asked about wine, and I said, "House red."

                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Server asks, "Will that be red or white?"

                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Silence. My brother and I look at each other. Server blushes (think she noticed what she said).

                                                                                                                                                                                                                      I just smiled and said, "Red."

                                                                                                                                                                                                                      My brother and I still joke about whether I want red red or white red.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                      The meal was, by the way, really great. The owner visited the table. The server was excellent. My brother and I had a fun visit. But, we will both always remember being asked red or white when I clearly said "house red."

                                                                                                                                                                                                                      3 Replies
                                                                                                                                                                                                                      1. re: CyndiA

                                                                                                                                                                                                                        My husband and I ordered a carafe of Rose', then had t explain what it was. We saw them at the bar pouring white and red into one carafe. Didn't return.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                        1. re: RLTRLDY

                                                                                                                                                                                                                          hahaha -- i guess they thought. "hey, it is PINK!"

                                                                                                                                                                                                                          1. re: RLTRLDY

                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Hysterical! Whole new meaning to a blend :)

                                                                                                                                                                                                                        2. While with my folks visiting Los Gatos, CA to arrange my grandma's funeral in '96. Mind you, back then, we hadn't been exposed to many foods...So we asked about the picatta. The waitress explained it, finishing off with: "It's OK...if you like capers". We still laugh and repeat that when we see picatta on the menu.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                          The confused waitress who brought my Mom a glass of White Zin and said: "But it's not white?"

                                                                                                                                                                                                                          5 Replies
                                                                                                                                                                                                                          1. re: tracylee

                                                                                                                                                                                                                            I had the reverse of that happen once..... in a basic bar, asked the waitress for white wine..... figured there was no point in going into any more detail in that kind of place.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                            A glass of pink wine arrived ...and she argued with me that it was in fact white.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                            I should have known to get a beer.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                              1. re: Dave_in_PA

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Probably white zinfandel, which is sort of pinkish. And sort of wineish.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                1. re: Dave_in_PA

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  I bartendered for years in a small pub, we had about 9 draft on tap..and 20 bottles.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  I was working---alone---two tour buses pulled into the ferry line-up across the street...and men started streaming out...a men's choir...from Wales.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  The line up is now out the door and down the stairs. All men are ordering beer...20 minutes till ferry departure. Each man asks what kind of beer I have....By the 4 man.....

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  my answer was....

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Yellow or brown

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                2. re: tracylee

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  funny thing is, that is pretty much what hubby says to me whenever he orders veal picatta in a restaurant and I ask him how it is: "It's good....if you like capers" (I don't ). I can relate to your server's point of view. :-)

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                3. Hyperdrive casual, prolly Denny's or something:
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Young waiter, first actual shift where he wasn't "following" came to our table and said, "Hi, my name is Matthew and I'll be eating you tonight."
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Pure nerves. Poor guy. I wonder if it hurts, when your face turns that red.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  We had a great laugh and tipped him well.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  3 Replies
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    1. re: mamachef

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      My friends and I found ourselves at Denny's around 2am or so one night. One of them ordered chicken strips, and when the waitress brought out the food she tipped his plate a bit and one of the strips fell on the floor. She quickly picked it up, looked at both sides, and sat it back on his plate saying 'this one is probably still alright'.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      1. re: mamachef

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Mamachef, I just about spat my beer out; reminds me of how nervous I was when I had just started waiting tables... yeah... lol

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      2. This is more what he did, than what he said.Was in Phuket some years back at a tiny dirt cheap lodge on the water. We had driven in rural Thailand for the day and it had been harrowing beyond belief. After we parked and got to our room, my wife at the time, said she was going to the beach, and to get her a scotch, in fact make it a double. l went to the miniscule bar and placed my order. The barman (boy ) grabbed a bottle of Johnny Walker whose label was so faded after being there for so long and proceeded to fill a huge water tumbler full of the scotch. l was even more amazed when he said, oh you wanted a double, and then filled an other tumbler. The entire bottle was gone. l laughed so hard going to the beach l spilled half of the two glasses and there was still way too much. Cost 80 baht, or $2 each.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        3 Replies
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        1. re: Delucacheesemonger

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Was at a nice local restaurant for a private birthday party.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          The staff was overloaded with all the drink requests, so my sister and I visited the empty
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          bar to get our drinks. A middle aged female server was "filling in" and had no clue how to make our drinks. I ordered a Gin & Tonic. She grabbed the correct glass, filled it correctly with ice,
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          then started pouring the gin. She asked me to tell her when she should stop.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          We literally had to yell stop as it filled to the rim.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Great drinks, we went back for more.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          1. re: pacheeseguy

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            We were at a very "proper" English restaurant, with some donors. One would ONLY drink Margaritas, and our French bartender could not translate. I stepped in, and held his hand. That night, I learned a touch of French, and he learned how to make a killer Margarita, though he may never need to make another. In the end, the donor was wow'ed, so I was happy. A bit of pointing, some head shaking, eye rolls, and gentle instruction, can go a very long way.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Thanks for your reply, as it brought up fond memories.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Hunt

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            1. re: pacheeseguy

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Had a bartender haul up a thick book after my wife ordered a gin and tonic.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          2. I was at a diner, grabbing breakfast with my boyfriend (who is 6'6", about 230 lbs, and a boxing instructor). The waiter came over, pulled a sugar packet (that said SUGAR in bold letters) out of his pocket, threw it on the table, and said, "Hey, baby, I think you dropped your nametagggg....." The end trailed off because he apparently turned around (he couldn't see our whole booth on his approach because of a potted plant, and thought I was alone), and saw my boyfriend's absolute death glare. He walked back to the hostess station, and we ended up with a different waiter for breakfast. Hilarious.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            2 Replies
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            1. re: Brianne920

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              oh that one is fabulous, too! thanks cyndi for starting this thread. it is just what i need on a friday evening! ;-).

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              1. This story is funny in retrospect. At the time, because we were hungry, we were a little annoyed in our amusement. But here goes. Local Chinese restaurant chain in the KC area, very popular both for Chinese American and a more traditional menu, as well as dim sum. Brand spanking new waitress at this location at least, as we are regulars, from unknown province of China, limited English. We order the steamed flounder with ginger, scallions and hot oil--standard item on both menus, along with some other dishes I don't recall now. She looks confused at the order, but says with confidence "I know, I know" and goes off to the kitchen. We are concerned. What arrives is a battered, fried fish, definitely not a flounder, covered in white sauce and mushrooms. We explain this isn't what we ordered. She says "My favorite! You like!" She seems determined we try her favorite fish, as we continue to try to get what we ordered. Finally we are rescued by the seemingly head server who's waited on us umpteen times and has been with the restaurant for years.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                When the steamed fish arrives, we eat a poorly timed, but delicious meal, having already eaten vegetables and rice. I tip the waitress 20% regardless, realizing this was probably a learning experience, and hoping they will train her better now that they've ascertained her um, weaknesses. It may even have been her first night. She rather obviously rushes back to the table, opens up the bill, and says to me loudly "You nice lady!" Oh my.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                12 Replies
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                1. re: amyzan

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  aw that's cute! that must have made your day!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  1. re: DGresh

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    I was more embarrassed at the time, but such is the clash of culture and social custom. She was quite the character, no matter the social norms for her home province. I kind of wished my brother's then girlfriend had been with us, 'cause she speaks Mandarin, and maybe it all could have been avoided. But, then, maybe there was no avoiding it, and she's just not cut out for waitressing? Who knows!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    1. re: amyzan

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Sounds as if she was a fish out of water herself. Perhaps another table of non-Chinese had ordered the other and she figured you'd like it better.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      I get the impression that a lot of people don't tip well in Chinese restaurants, which is rotten of them. It was probably the best tip she'd ever got.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      1. re: buttertart

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        The reason I often don't tip well in Chinese restaurants is because the service is bad, which is quite frequent. I wouldn't reward a terrible server with a 20% tip. How would she ever learn what works? You're not doing her any favor by giving the message that those kind of antics are OK.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        1. re: Leonardo

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          There is NO WAY this woman thought I was telling her that giving us something different than what we ordered was okay. When she tried to convince us to try her favorite fish, I steadfastly refused. The conversation went on for several minutes and she got quite flustered. Other than not knowing the menu, and ordering us something else when she didn't understand what we wanted, her service was good. She didn't neglect us. She wasn't rude. She just didn't know the menu and I'm going to guess couldn't read English. I considered her mistake that of a novice, that's all. She still deserves to be able to pay her rent and feed her family. BTW, the service at this local chain is rarely bad. Much of the time, they bend over backwards, especially for regulars. I don't tip less than 20% unless the server is neglectful or rude. People have to make a living, Leonardo. I think she was genuinely surprised to get a tip at all after I disagreed with her so vehemently.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          1. re: amyzan

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Perhaps she wanted you to accept the incorrect dish, because she feard what the cook would do, if she had to request he prepare a replacement dish.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            1. re: CathyBC

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Yeah, it made me wonder if the restaurant subtracts from server's paychecks for mistakes.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              1. re: amyzan

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Many Chinese restaurants work that way. Anything sent back, for any reason, is taken off the paycheck. I'm sure that's illegal in some areas.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                1. re: Leonardo

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  On the flipside of that, an old friend of mine had such horrendous service (rude when the server showed up, excruciatingly slow service, wrong dish, drinks left empty for 20+ minutes, etc.) that he purposefully left no tip. As he and his table companions were leaving the restaurant, the server chased him out to the parking lot yelling, "Why you no leave tip? Why?" He told her.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Awkward.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            2. re: amyzan

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              amyzan....you don't have to explain your tip to anyone.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              It's your right to tip whoever and whatever you like....I would have done the same thing :)

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              1. re: jojo70

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                I feel fortunate. I cannot recall a time, in the last ten years, where things were so bad, as to not leave a tip.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Still, were I confronted by such service, and then a question, I would articulate every issue, and in detail.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Hunt

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    2. re: amyzan

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      We were in Seattle at a very nice restaurant and had several courses including a $75 add on HUGE lobster tail (not sure if the SO was trying to prove something or if he simply really wanted lobster), no language barrier but the waitress came back and thanked us profusely for the tip, which I later find out was VERY generous. I was taken aback for sure.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    3. Was out to dinner with my mom who ordered a bowl of soup. The soup came, she tasted it and and it was rancid. Called over the server and she said "i'll just bring you another bowl". I said "it's bad you should throw out the whole pot" she looked at me like I was nuts.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      1. On the island of Arran off the west coast of Scotland - on the first night of our stay there was a young woman serving at the hotel bar.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        When we ordered malt whiskies (of which there were very many to choose from) she put down a glass, picked up the bottle and said 'say when'.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        My how we laughed.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        We never saw her again, sadly.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        1. On telling a waiter that whatever our dish was, the herbs tasted like mold, he said, "oh no, it's a combination of herbs. You two must have a similar palate." um, yeah, very refined palates that can detect mold!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          10 Replies
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          1. re: mariacarmen

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            that reminds me of a time i ordered a cheese quesadilla; after the first bite told the waiter i thought the cheese was moldy. he then picks up my quesadilla, eats a big bite, and replies, "yes, i think you're right!". eeeeekkk!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            1. re: StefTodd

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              What did you say? Anything? I'm pretty sure I'd be speechless if the server took a bite of the food to check. That is really random. Hopefully you got another quesadilla that didn't taste moldy.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              1. re: CyndiA

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                i don't think i said anything - just stared at him. i was kind of in shock that he ate my food. he asked if i wanted a new one and i said "no, thanks".

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                1. re: StefTodd

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  At least your server believed you. I had a similar problem with a plate of cheese blintzes that were so moldy the cheese was actually vivid green. The waiter refused to believe that there was a problem and I ended up nearly screaming that cheese blintzes are NEVER supposed to be green.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Same question, "Did I want another plate?" Uh, no, and I don't think I'll ever be eating here again.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                1. re: StefTodd

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  I was in a beer hall that was staffed with older eastern European men (I think they were mostly Czech). A guy walked in and asked for a cosmopolitan or something similar. The bartender said he didn't know how to make one and asked what was in it. After being told, he made the drink. A few minutes later the guy comes back and says it doesn't taste right. The bartender picks it up, takes a sip, says "tastes fine to me" puts the drink behind the bar and walks away.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  fter serving another customer or two the bartender comes back and asks the guy what kind of beer he wants. I was cracking up the whole time.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  1. re: donovt

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Are beets Czech? I am now confused.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    1. re: CyndiA

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      I was so confused by your post. It was supposed to say beer....fixed now.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      1. re: donovt

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        OK. Now I'm laughing too. Got it. Guy ordered a mixed drink (not like the older guys would drink there) so . . . beer question. I could see that happening here in the rural South as well.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Glad I don't have to think about having beets at the bar either. Sounds rather an odd combo.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        And, now we are unconfused. Nice to meet you by the way.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    2. re: donovt

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      I ordered a tequila-based "cosmopolitan" at the Mexican restaurant in Iasi, Romania owned by singer Laura Lavric. It was right there- with the ingredients- on the menu. The server brought me the drink and said, "I hope it's okay. Nobody here knows how to make it." It was fine!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                2. cyndi, one of the funniest things i've heard a certain chowhound say is this quote -- memorialized on my profile page -- from a thread about servers on cell phones:

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  ""Servers on Cell Phones? "...If it's all the same anyway, I'll just call next time and chat with them while I eat some tacos at home."

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  that was you, miss CyndiA. quite funny!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  2 Replies
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  1. re: alkapal

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    (-: I had forgotten all about that. Haha. I sure was mad about that cell phone server. Still haven't been back there to eat.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    1. re: alkapal

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      In my backwater pub where I slung beer forever...there was one certain regular who thought it was hysterical to call me on the bar phone from his cell phone to oder a drink...only when it was jammed to the rafters and everyone running for a ferry....still have a "Grrrr" on for him.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    2. At a Westchester tavern-type place for a friend's birthday dinner. Menu said "Scottish Salmon" and I didn't know what that meant. I figured it was some type of sauce or prep method... so here's the convo...

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Me: I have a question: What makes the salmon Scottish?
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Waiter: It comes out wearing a kilt.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Me: Hahahahahahah!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Waiter: No, not really... it's imported from Scotland.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      :-)

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      1 Reply
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      1. There have been several fish tales so far and I'll add another.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Many years ago, I asked a server to describe the fish-of-the-day.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        He responded: "Hell Lady, once you cut the heads off, they're all the same".

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        I ordered the lamb.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Mid-summer, Phoenix AZ, a student server at Scottsdale Culinary Institute had just learned the 8 top he was assigned is hosted by his next instructor. Me. My guests reported that his hands were shaking as was the tray containing 8 iced waters which finally tilted and everything slid down my back. "I'll bet that is pretty refreshing, eh chef?" he responded without a pause.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        1 Reply
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        1. re: Sherri

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Well, summer in Arizona, it probably was refreshing;)

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Poor kid, hope he made up for it the following semester.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        2. "waiter, i ordered the boned duck."

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          "yes, ma'am, the bones are still there!"

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          oddly enough, this occurred in duck, north carolina!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          1 Reply
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          1. We had a waiter asked everyone at the table where they were from, originally. He then spent a few minutes bashing each place ("Boston, why is everyone there so rude?...", "San Francisco, why do people go to Alcatraz?..."). It took a good 15 minutes for him to take our orders. I think he thought getting up close and personal would increase his tip. Meanwhile, it was just uncomfortable and we wanted to get back to our own conversation.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            2 Replies
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            1. re: chowser

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Sounds like he'd be better as a clown at a birthday party, or similar.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Hunt

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              1. re: Bill Hunt

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                ...the kind of clown that makes kids cry in fright.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            2. Once, at a diner (OK so already not expecting much) I asked for "gravy" on my side of mashed potatoes. The waitress said, wthout batting an eye, "Brown or Yellow gravy?"

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Yellow gravy? But then is is a diner and really well..
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              But it reminded me of a joke I once knew and only recall the punch line "...with Poodle sauce?"

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              2 Replies
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              1. re: Quine

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Brown = beef gravy
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Yellow = chicken gravy

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Just guessing.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                1. re: saturngrrl

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  This is pretty typical...where were you?
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Where I live they assume chicken unless you specify beef/brown.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              2. On a road trip some friends and I stopped at a Hardees in NC for lunch. Upon taking our trays back to our table we discovered the Coke was almost all seltzer - hardly any soda syrup. We notified the girl standing behind the counter, who responded in a super thick southern drawl 'Yup, the Coke sure does taste funny today"...

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                4 Replies
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                1. re: TuteTibiImperes

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Oh my. That made me think of a Hardees stop in Tennessee.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  I went to the counter to order biscuits. We were on the road and had a range of beverages on ice in the car.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  The lovely girl at the counter said: "You'uns wan somtun to drank with dem biscuits?"

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  My son, elementary age, asked what language she was speaking. He didn't have a clue what she had asked.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  1. re: TuteTibiImperes

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    we were at a chicken place in st louis where they had all white meat, all, dark, and mixed boxes. we ordered a large coke and a mixed. she too a drink cup and put a little of each soda into it.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    1. re: thew

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      that's what a "mixed" soda is! :)

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  2. Back in the early 80's we went to a trendy restaurant in a trendy Art Deco hotel in South Beach Miami and had a 4 hour marathon of bad service and lousy food. Everybody working there appeared to be high. On the way out I said to the maitre d', "this was the worst meal I've ever experienced." His reply: "I know."

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    1. Sat down at a local restaurant, and the server came over, broke into tears and sobbed, "my husband left me for another woman... " We knew that it was going to be a bad day.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Hunt

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      1. i can't believe i forgot to share this gem, which happened to my sister, not me. she was working as the audience coordinator for a daytime talk show in NYC, and one of her responsibilities was to take care of lunch for the audience members - usually pizza.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        one day as she was preparing to hand out slices, she discovered that there were several roaches *baked into* one of the pies. she called the pizzeria, got the manager on the phone and told him the problem. he paused for a second and asked, "Are they in the cheese or in the crust?"

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        8 Replies
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          1. re: buttertart

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            yeah, that quote from the manager is an inside joke in our family now :)

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            1. re: goodhealthgourmet

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              lol....the inside joke reference made me remember where I got one of my personal mottos. When we were all starving Berkeley students we decided to try a dive down in what we used to call "the Flatlands" (because it was cheap, duh...but we were definitely out of place there.....). One of my friends received a hamburger that had probably not even touched the grill. When he pointed out its raw state to the server she pulled herself up to her full height, folded her arms across her chest, and said firmly for the entire place to hear: "Honey, I don't cook 'em!" and walked away. " I don't cook 'em" became a catch phrase for the entire class that year. I still use it when there is a situation for which I probably should take some responsibility for but won't.....

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            2. re: goodhealthgourmet

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              The only time something similar to this happened to me, I got the last (and I think best) line:

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              My family was having breakfast at a chain restaurant in Phoenix. When server brought my pancakes there was a fairly long, thin, bright green bug on the top of the stack. I pointed this out to server, who took a look and said, " oh, that's just parsley!" (on pancakes?).

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              But as I said, I got the last line in; without missing a beat I replied, 'oh really? Well, in that case, why is the parsley moving?"

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              1. re: susancinsf

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                don't worry, he's small - he won't eat much ;)

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              2. Ok, this one was told on the New Orleans board, regarding Commander's Palace.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                My wife had her sr.management team in NOLA for some healthcare seminar. They asked for me to pull strings and get a table for 13 at Commander's. I did, though there was some big event in town. Her CFO was from Boulder, CO, and very much into the whole scene there. We were seated, and presented with the menus.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                After a few minutes of reading, he pulled the server aside, and asked, "do you have any dishes that are Health Mark?" Without missing a beat, she replied, "Dawlin' you're in New Orleans now, and we don't have anything that's Health Mark."

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Hunt

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                1. I suppose the funniest thing a server said to me was judged to be funny by my 3 companions but not by me.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  The funny thing she said was a single blood-curdling shriek, followed by a burst of tears, then by a hasty retreat to the kitchen, never to be seen again.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  T and D were taking C and V (me) to lunch at El Chico's in Lufkin, TX. Lunch arrived, massive plates of who-knows-what hiding under gallons of red sauce and nuked shredded cheese. As my waitress dutifully lifted my 2 pound water glass to refill whatever had evaporated in the preceding 15 minutes, she dropped the whole water glass, precisely on top of my enchiladas, which were somewhere hiding under a high tide of red sauce. The collision of the liquids propitiously (as viewed by others) exploded like a cannon blast, aimed at my golf shirt and my face, and nowhere else. Thus begat the scream (think Edvard Munch) and the hasty, bursting in tears, not to be seen again, disappearance of our waitress. My 3 companions are untouched by this episode, and I resembled a calf complete with the afterbirth.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  All 3 allow their food to cool because laughable moments trump a 7 dollar lunch. And did they laugh. Then the manager came to apologize, and said my lunch was on the house. T & D laugh harder, because they were treating from the get-go, and now they are being subsidized for the humorus experience. Then the manager brought me 2 dollars to have my shirt cleaned, which my friends knew was nice Sea Island cotton and was ruined, so they laughed for the third time. Funny, just not for me.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  7 Replies
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  1. re: Veggo

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    I feel your pain. Once at a popular restaurant in downtown Atlanta (that I make a point never to frequent any longer) the waiter was just having a bad night. We had a large group, and it was busy...but still....this restaurant caters to the convention crowd and should be prepared for large groups and busy. So our waiter started having us pass plates and was yelling across folks to talk to folks at the end of the table. We asked him why he just didn't walk to that end so that folks down there could hear and be served properly. He pointed to our host, who was sitting on the end and was NOT really blocking the waiter's way (although in fairness probably could have scooted over a bit to make things easier) and said: "Maybe I would but Mr. Fatso here is in the way!" John is not a small man, but "Mr. Fatso" is hardly a fair name either. Nonetheless, it stuck. Poor guy.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    1. re: janetofreno

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      I would want to punch out that waiter.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    2. re: Veggo

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      My husband and I both laughed to tears at this tale of woe, Veggo. You surely can tell 'em.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      1. re: Veggo

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Love your storytelling (especially the calf complete with the afterbirth).

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        I can see how this was a painful experience for you; but thanks for sharing as it was laugh-out-loud funny.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        1. re: Veggo

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Well told, Veggo! The cannon blast and calf-complete-with-afterbirth visuals are laugh out loud funny.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          1. re: Veggo

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Side note: way, way back (early '70s), El Chicos was one of the best Mexican restaurants in the New Orleans area. We loved several of their preps - seems that one favorite was the Saltillo platter.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            They faded into obscurity, about 1980, though I think they had a restaurant on the West Bank in NOLA,, for a bit longer. We dined at some of the Texas establishments, and were unimpressed - but no incidents, as you describe.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Actually, I miss El Chico (the Veteran's HWY shop), as they did Tex-Mex better than anyone, more than 200 miles from the border.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Sorry that you had such an incident, but at least you got the story to tell ("Mom and dad went to Cancun, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.").

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Hunt

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            1. re: Veggo

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              OMG, Veggo, I'm sitting here at work with tears, along with my mascara and eyeliner, running down my face after reading this. I don't know how I'm going to explain this to my coworkers on the way to the ladies room to clean up. Too funny!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            2. At a pizza joint in New Jersey, we asked the waitress about the chef's special listed on the chalkboard. She stares at the board for a minute, then screeches back into the kitchen, "What's on this ******* chef special?" A Yogi Bear sounding voice yells back, "How the #### do I know?"
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              "Well $$$$, you the ******* chef ain't ya?" "I'm a &&&&&&&&&&& cook, not a chef!" She turns to us and sweetly says, "We've sold out of the chef's special, how about the sausage?"

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              2 Replies
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              1. re: garlicvampire

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                That's sitcom-worthy, garlicvampire. And blood-curdlingly funny. :) thanks. Needed a good laugh.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              2. The menu had around 5 different types of waffles on it. When I tried to order one the waiter said "We don't have a waffle maker."

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                5 days later they still didn't have one and they were still on the menu.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                2 Replies
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                1. re: mrip541

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  I ordered a waffle once and was told "The waffles are sticking to the iron this morning. You might want to order something else."

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  1. re: mrip541

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    not exactly anything anyone said but went to a place called The Waffle House for breakfast after seeing a concert the night before. We each ordered waffles. one plate appears, and i wait. and wait. finally i ask what the hold up was - she told me "we only have one waffle iron" - i told her they ought to rethink the name of the place....

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  2. walk into a bar/restaurant at about 3:30pm(obviously slow part of the day) and peek my head into the bar area where there were ZERO customers. Host walks up to me and the converstation went like this:

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Host: Hi! welcome to *********!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Me: Hi, is the bar open?
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Host: absolutely, sit anywhere you like!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    (I have a seat at the bar and commence waiting....after about 5min. host comes back up to me)
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Host: how is everything?
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Me: well, I still haven't seen a bartender???
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Host: Oh....yeah. We don't have a bartender.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Me:...........speechless. gentle rise, walkout without saying a word. utterly confused.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    1 Reply
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    1. re: nkeane

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      That cracked me up. Very odd indeed.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    2. Server who was also the wife of the co-owner of our favorite neighborhood Italian restaurant, upon our mentioning that our garlic knots were burned and black: "yeah, that's the way they came out tonight" as she waliked off.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Another server who asked about wine orders: "whaddya want, red, white or PINK?"

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      2 Replies
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      1. re: mcf

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        In a very rural area of Southern Maryland, we tried to order carafes of red and white wine for the table. There was no wine list. The server brought out two carafes - one white and the other pink. We reminded her that we'd ordered red wine, not pink. The server hollered to her co-worker "Mabel, they want the purple stuff, not the red"! Dinner went downhill from there.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        1. re: Sherri

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          LOL Red is in the eye of the beholder.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      2. Went into a local family type restaurant one night and we both ordered sirloin steak . I heard this conversation in the back: "Customers want sirloin; what does it look like?" Answer: "Grab any steak from the cooler, they won't know the difference." Nice.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        1. How about Most Inappropriate?

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          At my all-inclusive resort in Egypt, the male server stuck a giant (probably decorative?) grissini bread-stick into the waistband of his pants, swung it around the air, and said to me, "What? Not big enough for you?"

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          8 Replies