-
-
Ego is in the eye of the beholder.
We laugh about it now but, the first real fight I ever had with my husband was over Easter dinner. It was our first time hosting as newlyweds, and I was just getting to know most of his family.
I was trying so hard to make everyone feel welcome and be a good host. Since I really didn't know what anyone liked, I just made everything - ham, lamb, lasagna, turkey, prime rib. I was literally sick worrying that I had missed a favorite food and was ruining someone's holiday.
When a brother made the comment that I had cooked too much, the others joined in, and my husband looked like he wanted to crawl under the table. Later he told me that I had badly embarrassed him by "showing off".
He saw it as ego. Really, it was angst.
›7 Replies-
re: Whinerdiner
inaplasticcup
May 20, 2011 08:39 AM
Aww. You broke a little piece of my heart with that story... :(
I can't believe his family ganged up on you like that and he backed them. I hope you gave him burnt food for a week. :P
-
re: inaplasticcup
I didn't give him burnt food, but it took me years to have anyone over. We clearly have conflicting styles of entertaining. Over the years we've reached a compromise. His family - he cooks. I smile and pour cocktails. My family - I plan the menu and he keeps out of it.
It seems to be working, but these days we're more likely to host at a restaurant than at home.
-
-
-
re: Whinerdiner
sunshine842
May 21, 2011 02:48 AM
that's too bad, and I hope your marriage has recovered...for some relationships, that could be an enormous and irreparable crack in the foundation.
Years ago, just by quirk, three of us spent our first Christmas with my now inlaws -- the oldest brother had just remarried (they hosted), and my now-hubby and one of his sisters both brought their significant others....there are 7 kids, and all but one were there with spouses and family...so the house was packed to the rafters with extended family. There were enough issues going on that day that we could have sold subscriptions...!
My poor sister-in-law did a very similar thing -- cooking for a much-larger army than we actually are, and with the feeling that she needed to be Martha Stewart to pull this off. The cranberry sauce overflowed the bowl onto her antique oak dining table (fortunately it came up later)....she tried to put all of the sweet potato peelings down the disposal at once, which resulted in two of the brothers-in-law lying in the middle of their very small kitchen to get it fixed with all of us stepping over and around them to keep the dinner production going...at about 3:30 in the afternoon, she took me by the shoulders, absolute panic on her face, and said she couldn't remember how to make green bean casserole (now that's bad...). My now MIL and I took her upstairs, gave her a Valium, and tucked her in for a nap, then went down and finished the meal for her.
She did come down and join us a little later, much calmer and (mostly) in control.
We all realized that she wasn't trying to show off...she was aiming for the Rockwell painting of the family holiday, and not realizing that not only is perfection not possible, it wasn't ever expected.
It's a favorite family story now, especially now that the nieces and nephews are starting to marry and bring their spouses and families into the uproar.
-
re: Whinerdiner
EWSflash
May 21, 2011 09:53 PM
Your husband is a turd. Mine tends to be that way- when there's an Eileen bashing going on, he can always throw something new into the mix. Since my mother died it's minimized, but nobody on my husband's side of the family would say anything bad about me or my cooking except for my sister trying to bring on the personal bashing just for history's sake. Whinerdiner, you need to get some help with this- it's a horrible thing you went through, AND while knocking yourself out trying to please your new family? Honestly, they sound like a bunch of assholes.
-
-
-
My flip answer is that hospitality is practiced by genuine extraverts who want to make their guests feel good, whereas ego can be "practiced" by anyone who wants to make themselves look good. But really, an example is the best definition.
When I lived in Texas, I had a good friend who was probably the most hospitable person I have ever known. She just loved to have people over, and made us feel like honored guests every time. Her house was never perfectly clean, and her food was never elaborate or beautiful. It was just tasty.
I remember one dinner party when I came over early to help her get ready. She had a massive pile of dirty laundry in the hallway off her foyer, so she asked, "Would you mind just kicking that into the laundry room? If it doesn't all fit, just throw it in the garage. I'd hate for someone to trip on it on the way to the powder room."
Her relaxed, doesn't-have-to-be-shiny-perfect attitude really put guests at ease. No one wants to go to a home where they feel unworthy of the environment or the food. That's what ego does.
›16 Replies-
-
re: Isolda
inaplasticcup
May 18, 2011 07:43 PM
Thanks for sharing this story, Isolda. Made me smile.
I think one of the best things I brought back to CA from my year in Boise, ID was just this kind of friendly, unguarded, unpretentious hospitality. Not that I can't enjoy a more formal meal in someone's home, but I find I have the best time when the host treats me more like friend than guest.
-
re: Isolda
meatn3
May 19, 2011 05:08 AM
A relaxed, at ease attitude goes a long way towards setting a comfortable environment!
One quibble, I don't feel hospitality is limited to extroverts. Introverts are quite able to offer sincere hospitality too. There are as many ways to be hospitable as there are people practicing it!
Hospitality is motivated by genuine caring for your guests experience. Ego is motivated by how the host is perceived.
-
-
re: meatn3
I agree. But as an introvert, I do think extraverts have an easier time. I can be hospitable, but I have to gear up for it a bit more. Otherwise, it would be all too easy to spend the entire time in the kitchen cooking and washing up while my husband is left to do the entertaining.
-
-
re: Isolda
Two days later and I'm still mulling is over.
Human personalities are often categorized as extroverts and introverts. Now there are genuine extraverts, and everyone else who cannot practice hospitality but only ego.
Are there no introverts who do in fact want to make their guests feel good?
I agree that we all enjoy hospitality when it seems effortless and when the effort mirrors just what the guest prefers to feel welcome. But I can't agree that a personality trait -- unavailable to 20-30% of the population -- is a necessary & sufficient condition for hospitality, any more than I could agree that an unsuccessful effort is therefore ego..
-
re: KTFoley
cowboyardee
May 20, 2011 02:24 PM
You and I might define 'introvert' differently. Some of the most conscientious, caring, and thoughtful people I know are introverts, at least in terms of personality testing (sort of a can of worms).
-
-
-
re: Isolda
I love that attitude! I used to torture myself trying to have everything perfect for guests and ended up so stressed and miserable that I couldn't enjoy the company of my friends or family. I have relaxed quite a bit over the years...I am sure some would say too much! My rules now are clean bathrooms and clean kitchen (not neat necessarily, just not a health hazard). I have a lot more fun this way!
-
-
re: Sue in Mt P
True enough. And now that I don't feel compelled to try and be something I can't, I have a lot more fun. I just had a house full of people for Memorial Day and did not have time to do any meaningful cleaning ahead of time. I told my guests that the bathrooms were clean, the kitchen was sanitary, but I made no promises about anything else.
-
re: jlhinwa
sunshine842
Jun 5, 2011 09:48 PM
and you know what? For most people, that's enough. (meaning that most people don't expect more than that)
-
re: sunshine842
True enough. I finally had that epiphany after one too many times stressing out before having people over. I realized I never noticed or cared about the state of someone else's home unless the bathroom was truly disgusting or the kitchen looked like a breeding ground for foodborne illnesses. I'm so much more laid-back now.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
ipsedixit
May 18, 2011 05:06 PM
What makes you think they are at the opposite ends of the spectrum?
›2 Replies-
re: ipsedixit
inaplasticcup
May 18, 2011 05:31 PM
I didn't mean to imply that they're mutually exclusive or at opposite ends, as you put it.
I actually think there's some intersection, and then perhaps a fine line one can cross where the desire to to be considered a consummate host, and actions taken in that pursuit, actually get in the way of guests' comfort.
-
-
-
-
re: igorm
mucho gordo
May 18, 2011 05:03 PM
I respectfully disagree that ego is held in abeyance. One's ego is the reason one bends over backwards to please the guests. No one wants to be considered a poor host.
-
-
