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May 5, 2010 08:07 PM

Cooking for ******** (expletive deleted) You suck at cooking. You f*** up rice


That really has been my cooking mantra, so I am addicted to the site Cooking for Assholes.

This is not a site for anyone offended by strong language. So do not click on the links and then post indignantly about it. Move on.

The surprising part is this site has really good recipes and cooking instructions … but written like someone like Howard Stern might write them.

With so many precious restaurant reviews, I like the lack of reverence but earnestness about food … damn, I hope this guy never reads this sentence as I can imagine what he would say.

Here’s a restaurant review about a cool-sounding place called The Red Fox Bar located in the back of a produce store. He writes …

“The good thing is that few people know about it so it is filled with neighborhood regulars and service industry people.

This place is about neighborhood, urbane discussion (i.e. fart jokes), and some pretty damn good food. The sonoran dog is the bomb. If you don't know what it is you better ask somebody. The gumbo is also amazing. They also use a lot of local produce from the produce store in the same building, sustainable meats, and all that bullshit. I love this place and you should too. Patronize it.”

The joint is in Portland, Or … or near it … you would never guess the menu also has items such as steak frites, Caesar salad, pancetta blue cheese burgers along with gumbo dogs.

I loved this guy taking apart a local food critic who ate some of his food at a charity event and then was unwise enough to write a review … a review too painful to read.

One of the comments

Review "chili stewed with various locally sourced veggies"

CFA comment:” The beans were from cans and so were the tomatoes. My red peppers and onions probably came from Mexico. My garlic was from a pre-minced jug.”

This isn’t a site about junk food though. He is into made from scratch and locally sourced.

Some interesting recipes

Fontina and Smoked Salmon Farfalle

"What the hell is farfalle?" Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to dumb it down for you. In layman's terms farfalle is bow-tie pasta but you can use the dinosaur shaped ones if you like

Garlic Spears

Fried Chicken III - Bacon Wrapped

Absinthe – Lemonade

Horseradish - Mint Sauce

Jalapeno Citrus Lime Chicken

Habanero Buffalo Burgers

Porcini Mustard

Tuna Casserole

Bambi Pie

How to Eat an Artichoke

Strawberry Lemon Pie

Brownies as Easy as Your Mom

Crab and Bacon Bloody Mary

I found the site when googling for asparagus. The instructions for making the quiche crust were like they were written just for me

Smoked Salmon, Asparagus, and Cheddar Quiche

Lots of beer reviews

“I usually can't stand fruit in beer but I remembered that I love Caldera's Dry Hop Orange so I figured I would give it a shot. Buckbean Brewing's Orange Blossom tastes like a fucking malt liquor Orange Crush. This is the shit scumbags buy to get high school girls drunk. This beer has zero redeeming qualities. If I were lost in a desert for a week and then I came across a six-pack of these on ice I would remove them from the bucket and eat the ice.”

This isn’t the usual lemming food website. It answers to no one. As he writes

“Okay people, I have never asked you for anything. I don't even have ads to click or some dumbass "donate" button. I don't want the petty cash you earn from coal mining in West Virginia, your social security, or even your food stamps”

I love this site.

Read it

  1. Hilarious! I'm definitely bookmarking this site. Did you see his site for foreign food?

    Again, not for the eaily offended or faint for heart.

    Thanks for sharing rworange

    1. Thanks SO much for these links.
      On the funnyforeignfood site, vegetarian haggis:
      Major WTF! ROFLMAO!

      1. I just found this by "googling" myself. Thanks for the kind words. I didn't really know about this website so I am looking forward to snooping around.

        1. Not so much about being offended--who's ever offended anymore?--but bored by the lazy use of tired shtick. Whatever the bomb food, it's a gimmick with no real shelf life. IMHO.
          The funny foreign food site is even lazier and stupider. Razor sharp irreverence in the overheated food world is a precious commodity. But this ain't it.

          42 Replies
            1. re: bob96

              To each his own.

              I'm bored by the self-importance of food commentary these days.

              Please refer me to whatever site it is that is full of razor-sharp irreverence about food. It would be a refreshing read.

              I'm not sure if this article about pig cheese is simply a hoax or a subtle commentary about the food culture these days

              My reasons for it being a hoax AND a commentary

              Anyway, I find the that asshole site refreshing not only because there are too few irreverrant sites but particularily because there's actually good info on it. Others may aspire to be a Howard Stern, but don't have the intelligence to pull it off.

              Maybe there are other sites like this ... haven't seen them myself ... but I think few could pull this off as well and actually have good content.

              1. re: rworange

                Agreed. In this day of anyone with a keyboard is a writer and people hanging on to every word uttered by some bobble head on the Food Network, it's refreshing.

                Case in point the Clam Chowder recipe. If a person can avoid getting their panties in a ruffle they may learn a few things. You don't need to empty your silverware drawer of spoons to taste and check everything. There are other methods of checking the progress of potatoes as demonstrated in the recipe. If I had 100 pounds of fresh clams the majority are going to get steamed and eaten. Maybe when I get full I will contemplate using them for chowder. Very few restaurants would pay someone to sit for hours shucking enough clams to make clam chowder everyday. Celery in the chowder? Why not? Without variations we might have a total of five cookbooks in the history of mankind and most likely still be eating woolly mammoth on a stick.

                1. re: SanityRemoved

                  Still don't get the appeal. Clever tips for making unpretentious dishes? Good info?Can't think of anyone offering these. Oh wait, Martha Stewart does. A little attempt at irreverence? So f****ng brave. Not asking for "donations"? Which of the hundreds of food bloggers do? Unlike thousands of others who don't feel they have to spit curse mechanically ever other sentence (same words, too) to draw attention to themselves? Please.

                  1. re: bob96

                    1, Hundreds of other bloggers advertise on their sites. This site doesnt.

                    2. This site appeals to people who would not be caught dead reading a Martha Stewart recipe.

                    So if it gets someone cooking and eating good food because of the irreverance and entertainment value ... as Martha would say ... it's a good thing.

                    And speaking of Martha ... I've been burned one time too many on her inaccurate recipes. There are still those buttermilk mashed potatoes that piss me off to this day because the recipe just doesn't work. I tried it multiple times. I should have just taken the money I spent on heirloom potatoes and thrown it in the trash. It would have been less of a hassle.

                    There is beauty in simplicity ... especially if it works.

                    It is not for you. That is ok. I find it hilarious and have picked up some tips.

                    Given the fact that the other day I set a pot of fruit compote on fire ... I mean it was damn dried peaches and orange juice ... the site speaks my language.

                    Again, please offer a suggestion for a cooking site that has a sense of humor ... irreverent or not.

                    1. re: rworange

                      I enjoy which is nothing if not prolific. But also funny.

                      1. re: ennuisans

                        Here's an example o f humor and creativity. Look, my only real point is that programming the same profanity meme into every post deadens everything--and take that flavor away, there's little left. Nuff said.

                        1. re: bob96

                          Ah, it is the profanity that bothers you. I suspected as much. LIke I said in the OP, if that bothers you, don't click on the link. If it doesn't there/s a lot of content there.

                          1. re: bob96

                            So does the overuse of the word "sublime". If I had a nickel for every time I've read a review and the critic used that word...

                            I find profanity refreshing. I like it.

                            1. re: lynnlato

                              I hate the word surreal (non-food related). It drives me nuts!

                              1. re: cookingasshole

                                Yes, surreal is another one that irritates me.

                                1. re: cookingasshole

                                  Don't you be dissing my surreal tarte. It takes a lot of time and effort to make it look like a clock. And the presentation - draping it over something that looks like the dead body of an unidentifiable marine mammal - is NOT easy.

                                  1. re: alanbarnes

                                    Thus spake Salvidor Dali, as he draped that mechanical pocket watch.

                                    I take enough heat jeers and ridicule as it is, if I'm off-center with the egg on my huevo rancheros.

                                    But my refried beans save the day.

                            2. re: ennuisans

                              "Attention locivores, omnivores, local butchers, backyard beekeepers, cheese fanantics and conspicuous consumers of consuming Your chickens won't save the world ... "

                              Funny. Thanks

                              Tho ... it seems to do exactly what it says it hates ...

                              For real? ... Burger King REALLY has this ad? If it is real ... that really is offensive. There should be an outcry ... food porn indeed ... with no redeeming social ... or nutritional value. As if the King wasn't creepy enough ... ick, Ick ick ... I don't think I can ever eat another Burger King burger.


                              Edit: I had to Google because I truly could not believe a company would use an ad like that. It seems they did ... June 2009 in Singapore. Also totally grossed out that one of the site reporting it was a blog called Eat Me Daily. Seriously, I am so through with Burger King. I'll never be able to eat on of their burgers without thinking of this ad ... yuck.

                              It makes me wonder if there was double entendre in the original slogan of “Have it your way.”

                              Burger King ... what were you thinking?

                              1. re: ennuisans

                                Like that Australian ad on shutupfoodies. Fun.

                              2. re: rworange

                                Great writing, sense of humor, and more:
                                and her other blog, about keeping chickens, growing/cooking your own produce, etc:

                                I agree, vulgarity is easy and gets old fast. Wit and creativity are harder but age gracefully. I recall being on a long elevator ride with several businessmen I did not know. One young fellow's all-purpose adjective was the f-bomb. He used it so many times it was practically a stutter. His companions exited on various floors until it was just the two of us. He casually asked, appropos of nothing, "Whaddaya think?" I took advantage of the opportunity to reply, "I think you need to find a few new adjectives. Try a dictionary - there's a ton of them, and lots that aren't 4 letters." His puzzled look told me that he hadn't a clue what I was referring to but with serendipitously perfect timing, the door opened at my floor and I was gone.
                                You have to relish the few moments that work out perfectly like that!

                                1. re: greygarious

                                  That's it. Replace every profane word with the word "like" and we would not even be discussing this.

                                  1. re: scoopG

                                    True, but my elevator exchange wouldn't have changed one iota! ;-D

                                    1. re: greygarious

                                      I meant the CFA website! We would fall asleep how quickly if on the CFA website every profane word was replaced the word "like."

                                      1. re: scoopG

                                        Amazing that all these decades after Lenny Bruce, people can get so upset by language and it prevents them from getting the message.

                                        I really don't think the people who are on the language bandwagon really read any of the site becuse if you removed the few 'socially unacceptable to some" words, you still have a site that has a Don Rickles tone and sense of humor.

                                        One of the reason I put so many links in the OP was because, besides being funny, I wanted to show there is really terrific content there. So for the people who can't get over the language and an irreverent tone, as I originally said, don't read it.

                                        So, I take your challenge. Here's porcini mustard with the "bad" words replaced with ;"like" and some of the ingrediants and straight up instructions starred *** so no recipe infringement takes place.

                                        " While reading the latest issue of Gourmet in the waiting room of my psychiatrist, I came across this wonderful recipe for porcini mustard. For you morons who have no idea what the LIKE porcini is, it is a mushroom. It was intended to be used as a condiment for grilled lamb but it seems very versatile to me. So use it for whatever the fuck you want but it is pricey so make it for the right lady. Don't waste good mushrooms for no reason. Let's begin:

                                        Get 2oz of dried porcini mushrooms. Do not get them from that guy you knew in college. Place them in a bowl and ***. Oh yeah, place a paper towel over the sieve. If you do not have a sieve, and you don't, use a colander and two paper towels.

                                        Put *** Add 2tbl dijon mustard (don't even think about using the yellow LIKE), *** then remove from heat.

                                        Add *** and there you have it. This is really, really good so go out of your way to make it for a special occasion. Downside? The mushrooms cost $10. Eat it."

                                        1. re: rworange

                                          No, not upset. Not upset in the slightest. CFA wants to impress a co-worker, so be it. Hey, why not try the third person viewpoint! My point is perhaps best shown by this re-written/edited April post:

                                          Saturday, April 24, 2010
                                          What's Up Losers?
                                          I have been like moving and like so I have not been able to update this like website. I have made like a whole bunch of junk recently, including like a scotch egg, but I have been unable to like post any of it. Give me like a few days to get my like interwebs service transferred and then I will like indulge all of you in my culinary endeavors and epic writing skillz. Until then, go like fuck yourself.

                                          1. re: scoopG

                                            Like, you forgot to edit one word.

                                            Listen, it isn't your thing. However, there's some like fine content on the site and trying to prove it is a dumb site because of the language, just doesn't fly.

                                            I've learned a lot from the site ... more than all the boring, unfunny Martha Stewart recipes combined ... or whatever food clone of the moment is out there.

                                            At least he does it with humor and not like Gordon Ramsey who seems a mean-spirited person that uses profanity because he wants to intimidate his staff. I can't watch the guy because he is such a rude jerk. I'm sure though, because of the marketing hype, no one here would critisize GR and somehow manage to get past THAT language and worship at his foodie feet.

                                            1. re: rworange

                                              Well you are right about GR - my main concern with him is his violent, downright scary nature.

                                              1. re: scoopG

                                                GR is nuts! he needs to smoke a doobie or something!

                                                1. re: cookingasshole

                                                  There are good aspects to Gordon Ramsey though. I can watch his show where he helps failing restaurants ... and for some of those places I want to swear at the owners. It is fascinating how stupid people can be ... especially considering their livlihood depends on making the right decisions.

                                                  It is just whatever his other show is ... where he bullies the staff ... just can't stomach that. It's not the language itself, but the attitude. No one deservers to be treated that way.

                                                  It is the perfect extreme example of taking food too seriously.

                                                  You can see from the failing restaurant show that he can have self-control. He is endlessly patient to failing places that work with him.

                                                  1. re: rworange

                                                    On those restaurant shows it always amazes me how disconnected the owner is from the manager and the manager is from the head chef. In the shows I have seen none of them get along and are always breaking out rulers.

                                                2. re: scoopG

                                                  OMG. It's all an ACT. If you've ever watched some of his other programs besides those on Fox (HK and the american version of Kitchen Nightmares), you can see what his personality is really like, and he seems like an awesome guy to me. It's all an act for tv. Geez.

                                            2. re: rworange

                                              I think it's funny that you assume people are offended by the language. I probably say F as much as this guy, but I find the constant use in his blog off putting. I liked his recipe for cobbler and there's probably other stuff, not saying you can't learn from it. But like other people said, it shows a one trick pony way of expressing himself that gets boring. Just as any other kind of overused gimmick in someone's writing could start to grate, whether swear words were involved or not.

                                              1. re: Joanie

                                                Pay attention.

                                                In the beginning I thought Chowhound was full of gimmicks. Depite loving the site, I couldn't get over that. Then I started to pay attention.

                                                For all the people who profess that profanity doesn't bother tham and they use it ... eh, I'm not convinced. They just can't see the content through the blue haze.

                                                Though before my time, Lenny Bruce was a favorite of mine. I still have all his albuns. People just couldn't hear his message because of the language ... which is REALLY mild by today's standards. I like Howard Stern.

                                                However, a lot of today's comics I won't listen to because it is profanity for profanity's sake. I don't find the unintelligent and juvenile use of that type of language funny. There has to be some content and message.

                                                It takes skill to use profanity smartly. And ... the big thing is ... many people who really wouldn't be into the whole foodie scene, get some good tips ... thanks to the irreverance and humor.

                                                If it bores you ... is not to your taste ... or is too much for you to handle ... move on. The airwaives and web are nausiatingly filled with Stepford food sites. You will get good food tips there as well using socially approved language.

                                                1. re: rworange

                                                  I try never to force it. Some posts are devoid of profanity. Some are littered. It just depends on my mood. I just write as if I am at a dingy pub drinking beer with friends...and sometimes bourbon.

                                                  1. re: cookingasshole

                                                    Good food and cussing... throw in some PBR and bacon and that's my kind of party.

                                                      1. re: cookingasshole

                                                        I don't really drink the stuff... okay once in a great while, but just to slack jaw my uppity dining companions. I'm a wine girl, but "wine" didn't sound naughty enough with "cussing". LOL :-P

                                                  2. re: rworange

                                                    Whatever, you're gonna think what you what to think about me or anyone who disagrees with you on this. My opinion is that using the F bomb over and over makes you/one/him/us sound stupid, including me when I find myself saying it too much. You think it's used smartly, I disagree. And no, I don't have to and won't read his blog, but mostly cuz I don't read that many blogs and don't cook a lot. Altho that fried baloney and cheese sandwich was pretty good last nite.

                                                    1. re: Joanie

                                                      I guess when people do their SNL church lady dance over the language in this blog, I wish they would out and out say that profanity upsets them. Instead what we have is dismissing the content because of the style.

                                                      Critisizing the content and the style are two different issues.

                                                      It was stated quite clearly in the OP what the site contained and for those that did not like that type of language ... move on.

                                                      I fail to understand the people who

                                                      1. Obvioudly don't approve of profanity
                                                      2. Click on the site
                                                      3. Then feel they must register their disapproval of the language despite the clear statement in the OP.

                                                      I don't get it. I don''t want to.

                                                      Cookingasshole has stated a number of times he created the site for his own pleasure and to amuse his wife ... and that, IMO, is one terrific guy ... not only does he cook for her, he did this site to give her a laugh.

                                                      A side benefit is that it reaches out to people who probably wouldn't read this type of info anyway ... about good produce, food and cooking.

                                                      He doesn't have ads. He doesn't ask for money.

                                                      If anyone has any issue with profanity, please ... don't click on the site. Your opinion isn't going to be changed. Let those of us who enjoy the site discuss the content rather than the style.

                                                      1. re: rworange

                                                        Damn rworange, I don't think I have ever heard someone defend my position as well as you (not even myself). You are too awesome.

                                      2. re: bob96

                                        I say "like" all the time!

                                        Conventional food writing bores me to death. I write in a "voice." I didn't write this for everyone and in fact I only started it for one person. I was trying to make my lady laugh at work and let her see what was going to be on the table when she got home.

                                        1. re: cookingasshole

                                          I think it would all work better on TV with a couple of sidekicks, at least one who would be scantily clad.

                                        2. re: bob96

                                          Way to pick the offhand "I'm not dead" post! That's a great example.

                                          She is not my co-worker; she is my wife.

                                  2. The original comment has been removed