657999 Thu Oct 08 08:44:55 -0700 2009 167 29 Not About Food 0 5088227 My hubby and I were recently asked to come to a dinner party. When I asked the host what I could bring, he asked me to bring LASAGNA!!! He even told me the number of people coming so I would have enough! When I told my husband what happened, he was of course pissed and said we should decline the invitation. But being the sucker I am, I made the lasagna and we went. To my suprise, the host only provided the location and the dishes. Another guest brought some bagged salad, and still others brought store-bought desserts and soda. I feel so used! I shouldn't have even gone, but I felt it wrong to accept an invitation and then decline. Has anyone ever had to deal with something like this? I felt so foolish when I saw what the other people had brought. The only thing that made it worthwhile was that my husband was eating it. Please tell me I'm not the only one who has been played by a host like this! Thu Oct 08 08:44:55 -0700 2009 729068 cookieluvntasha 1 5088265 You're a better person than I. I would've told your host what to do with their lasagna... As the "gourmet" in my circle, I've for years endured people asking me to bring dishes that are either a lot of work or so elaborate it's hard to keep them attractive/stable. But these dishes were always part of a larger meal, so I'd comply. If I *ever* arrived at a "dinner party" only to discover that my "contribution" was, in fact, the *only* dinner available, I'd be livid and speak my mind to the host, leave and never come back. Thu Oct 08 08:56:30 -0700 2009 5088227 270888 shaogo 1 5088338 Wow! That's a new one! I never heard of such a thing. Did any of the other guests comment on the situation? I mean surely some light-hearted comments that might have gotten the point across to the so called host??? I can't imagine finding myself in that situation and all of the people involved not bringing it up and joking about it. The cheek of some people indeed!! Thu Oct 08 09:18:06 -0700 2009 5088227 174753 NellyNel 2 5088361 The other couple and the then girlfriend of the host did not say a thing. I have not eaten with/out with the other salad bagging couple and I did have a small dinner for the host/gf when they got engaged, but I have not gone to eat with them since it happened. I am cooking food for the gf's bridal shower this saturday, but after that...I"M DONE! I can understand that some people cannot cook, but that is what Wegmans is for! I just have to learn not to associate with greedy gut, ungrateful people. Thu Oct 08 09:24:56 -0700 2009 5088338 729068 cookieluvntasha 3 5089418 Maybe, since you are cooking for the shower, they wanted to show off your cooking skills to their other friends and thought you would be insulted to not be bringing the main course...? ...that seems to be the only logical reason to ask that you bring the main... Since you did host a small engagment party, and offered (or were you asked) (or are you being paid?) to do the shower, aren't you kind of close to one or both of them? Is this an anomaly of behavior for them? Thu Oct 08 15:21:06 -0700 2009 5088361 12123 Cathy 4 5099318 No, i offered to do the engagement party. I do often extend myself to others, so maybe that's why they felt so comfortable asking for the main. But the difference is, I extend on my terns, without being asked. Tue Oct 13 07:49:38 -0700 2009 5089418 729068 cookieluvntasha 3 5092532 Be prepared to be asked to cook for future bridal/baby showers and parties on Saturday! Fri Oct 09 18:44:23 -0700 2009 5088361 10877 Sarah 4 5099315 Thats exactly what happened! The bride to be was really happy though and said thank you for all my hard work. So at least I know she appreciated the days of prep and money paid for her special party. I do these things without thinking of if ppl will appreciate. But when they don't, that's when my feelings are hurt. Tue Oct 13 07:47:53 -0700 2009 5092532 729068 cookieluvntasha 1 5088353 You're not the only one; some version (not usually as bad) comes up here regularly. YOU are partly to blame because you allowed it to happen. Please learn from this. Avoid toxic people is one of MY rules. Thu Oct 08 09:22:57 -0700 2009 5088227 131001 c oliver 2 5092515 And: Avoid eating with toxic people--that could be on that thread about Michael Pollan's Rules to eat by thread. Good advice, c. Fri Oct 09 18:32:18 -0700 2009 5088353 131171 nofunlatte 3 5092945 Definitely should be an official rule. Sat Oct 10 04:42:22 -0700 2009 5092515 131001 c oliver 1 5088360 Guess you didn't take home a doggie bag. Thu Oct 08 09:24:49 -0700 2009 5088227 12630 beevod 1 5088376 I have a friend who does this all the time. Rich as sin, too. Never ever ever invites without expecting that half the things will be provided. There are reasons why we're all still friends and go to these parties, but this excentricity annoys me no end. Thu Oct 08 09:30:34 -0700 2009 5088227 110946 pathgeek 1 5088692 LOL, I know someone who was invited to Thanksgiving and when she asked what she could bring, she was told the turkey--complete with the brand (apparently a discriminating hostess who only wanted the best for her guests because it was a very expensive bird:-), size and the recipe. Live and learn. Thu Oct 08 11:08:37 -0700 2009 5088227 39874 chowser 2 5088766 Why do people actually believe that these loser-users are friends??? It always amazes me. And wasn't "NO" one of the first words we all learned as babies? Why have some people forgotten how to say it? ARGH! Thu Oct 08 11:28:25 -0700 2009 5088692 131001 c oliver 2 5089719 Yes- someone invited us to Thanksgiving and asked me to bring the turkey~ ! Suddenly we became busy. What a nerve. Thu Oct 08 17:28:30 -0700 2009 5088692 13202 emilief 1 5088771 Providing dishes, flatware, electricity and toilet facilities while you and your friends feed the "hosts." That is a new one. I'd revise the nomenclature to reflect that you are the host and they are the opportunistic parasites. Just so you don't feel alone, I was invited to a party in the late 80's and responded to the what-can-I-bring request with a beautiful homemade Kentucky Derby pie (jumbo pecan halves, bourbon and shaved dark chocolate on top) for dessert. The response was, "Ooooh, that's lovely! We'll save that for Thanksgiving!" before watching my offering (and Pyrex baking dish) deposited directly into the deep freeze for consumption two months later. I never saw them or my baking dish again. Write one up to experience. CP P.S. And I wasn't even invited to Thanksgiving. Thu Oct 08 11:30:32 -0700 2009 5088227 138009 Chefpaulo 2 5095471 WOW. That one was harsh. The pie sounds absolutely amazing though. Sun Oct 11 14:52:17 -0700 2009 5088771 171426 jenniegirl 2 5095877 No way! What a cheek. Sun Oct 11 17:45:55 -0700 2009 5088771 110146 greedygirl 2 5116589 You have got to be kidding me. I would have directly made an early withdrawal from their deposit and taken my pie and dish home. Tue Oct 20 05:38:05 -0700 2009 5088771 165021 Firegoat 1 5088828 My 2 dinner stings by good friends, but only the wine one annoyed me: 1) A buddy & wife hosted a small dinner party, 6 or 8. What can I bring, I ask. He said two bottles of Santenay, and was very specific about the grower, vintage, and where I could buy it. They were $32 each, in 1989! 2) College sweetie, friends for life but we correctly didn't marry, planned a dinner party at her home in Westchester County. She was working tirelessly on an LBO deal in midtown, I lived in New Canaan. I had a series of calls that afternoon about how I could help out by picking up certain items because she was going to be late. Fast forward, I bought everything. Cooked everything, in her house. She never made it. Party broke up about 11, she said the next day she got home about midnight. I did not wash the dishes. Stuff happens. Thu Oct 08 11:48:56 -0700 2009 5088227 57170 Veggo 1 5088840 just as an aside, why do people ask what they can bring when invited to someone's house? I never ask that question but either bring a hostess gift or a bottle of wine/bunch of flowers. Asking that question is bound to get you into trouble. Thu Oct 08 11:55:02 -0700 2009 5088227 22559 smartie 2 5088993 I agree! I have never asked a host that... And I have one friend who always asks what she can bring. The first time she did it - I was kind of shocked - not in a horrible way but just surprised, and I felt a bit awkard Thu Oct 08 12:52:38 -0700 2009 5088840 174753 NellyNel 3 5089357 yes because if someone asked me what they could bring I would feel obligated to say 'thanks but just bring yourselves' and then you would get bubkes (nothing). I might say just bring a bottle of wine but then I am put in the awkward situation. The polite way here is for the invitee not to ask if they can bring anything (anyone with manners would always bring something anyway) and for the inviter not to ask the other party to bring anything (unless it's family or really really close friends and then that's a whole different post!). Thu Oct 08 14:56:30 -0700 2009 5088993 22559 smartie 4 5143524 As a guest, I always offer, but not without providing a variety of options ("Can we bring anything? Wine? Appetizer? Dessert?"). You never know if the host has a multi-course meal planned out from start to finish and your salad or cake (or whatever) would be an imposition. At least by offering options, you create the possibility of lightening the load, but also provide an out for those who really want to do it all (wine). And no, I don't necessarily expect my bottle of wine to be opened at that meal. My favorite answer, of course, is "just bring yourselves." Fri Oct 30 12:26:26 -0700 2009 5089357 150094 ChristinaMason 5 5155105 That's my favourite answer too. The best version of it was from someone new to the country (from France), and still learning English. I was told to "just bring my charming personage." So lovely. Wed Nov 04 09:13:41 -0800 2009 5143524 1093156 cinnamon girl 2 5089392 It's like if someone other than family or a close friend asks "how are you?" The answer "Great, thanks for asking." So people ask if they can bring something and the answer should be "your appetite" or some such. But because it doesn't seem to work that way, I for one am going to stop asking. Thanks for the reminder. Thu Oct 08 15:11:21 -0700 2009 5088840 131001 c oliver 3 5089688 I have a standard answer when guests ask what can they bring: Please stop and pick up a bag of ice on your way. The guest feels that they are contributing something useful. I don't get stuck with items I don't want to serve, or useless host(ess) gifts. And I don't feel I've waste a lot of the gues's money if the bag just happens to melt in the bar sink during the course of the evening. But many times it's a great thing, some parties use ice faster than my icemaker can produce it., Thu Oct 08 17:15:59 -0700 2009 5089392 274541 bagelman01 2 5089918 I think it depends on the group of friends. I have one group of friends where everyone usually brings the same thing to the others' houses- be it salad, appetizers, or dessert. It usually works out well and the item is always eaten. It may be a little bit different in my case since I'm allergic to alcohol and a lot of flower arrangements, so those are out as options for both giving and receiving. Thu Oct 08 19:17:51 -0700 2009 5088840 107671 queencru 3 5093148 I think queen is right, it depends on the group of friends and when you participate in a different group things seems weird. My family are dessert givers, and i have to remember when I am hosting friends to have a dessert ready because there will not be ten desserts brought. I have also learned at chowhound that it is not necessarily harmless or safe to bring dessert. The first time one of my nephews asked me over and when I asked what I could bring, he said nothing, that we would order in when everyone arrived, I was aghast. I brought heroes, coldcuts for everyone the first few times (these are afternoon gatherings). Finally, I accepted that this is what they "do". I don't know where they picked it up, and I still bring something, dessert or an appetizer(the "host" usually has chips and soda). I always ask what I can bring. Usually my invites come from close friends , so it is not an issue. I'm happy to help in any way I can. All that said, I would also be shocked if I were asked to bring the main course to a dinner party. Sat Oct 10 07:34:15 -0700 2009 5089918 18970 Val55 4 5093238 I'm dessert giver, too, and it's the main reason I entertain--so I can made desserts. I had a birthday party for a friend and someone enthusiastically asked me if she could bring the cake. Hey, that's my thing! But I told her sure, to her boxed cake and canned frosting. That's when I learned, if I ask if I can bring anything or help, don't offer a suggestion of what dish because the host/hostess may enjoy doing that. As extra dessert goes, it can be too much. I had a family Thanksgiving where I made four desserts and people, on their own, brought two pumpkin pies, pumpkin roulade and pumpkin bread. There is such a thing as too much dessert.:-) Sat Oct 10 08:29:36 -0700 2009 5093148 39874 chowser 5 5093380 You said: There is such a thing as too much dessert.:-) I think this is like the geostrophic wind or zero ° Kelvin: a theoretical ideal rarely encountered in nature. :) Sat Oct 10 09:37:43 -0700 2009 5093238 131171 nofunlatte 6 5093656 Is the corollary that you can't be too thin?;-) Sat Oct 10 12:52:06 -0700 2009 5093380 39874 chowser 7 5094521 At our Thanksgivings, there are usually about a pie and a half per person! I still don't see it as so much af a problem because at that point you start insisting that guests bring something home. In general, homemade trumps store bought, so when asked about bringing a cake, you could have said you were planning to bake a favorite dessert of the birthday person. This reminds me of when I hosted a small shower for a niece of mine. Another niece offered to bring the cake, which was great. In the emails prior to the shower, I mentioned that I had bought a diaper cake from ebay. Well my niece doesn't bring a cake at all because she thought the diaper cake was a real cake, not one made of diapers! Fortunately, I had made a rasberry tiramisu in keeping with the pink theme. Sun Oct 11 00:34:54 -0700 2009 5093656 18970 Val55 8 5094574 That's funny--and I would've thought the diaper cake was a real cake too (something made with a special Wilton pan). So, exactly what is a diaper cake then? Sun Oct 11 03:59:54 -0700 2009 5094521 131171 nofunlatte 9 5094589 Diaper Cakes are a newer craze for showers. You roll up a bunch of diapers and make it look like a layer cake. They are cute. Please see the attached picture and link for a better explanation. http://www.diapercakewalk.com/ Sun Oct 11 04:27:19 -0700 2009 5094574 110306 NE_Elaine 10 5094828 O. My. God. I am nearly speechless. Sun Oct 11 08:14:48 -0700 2009 5094589 131171 nofunlatte 8 5094733 If you told me you ordered a diaper cake on Ebay I'd go looking for it on Cake Wrecks. DT Sun Oct 11 06:53:05 -0700 2009 5094521 11291 Davwud 8 5128625 Your tiramisusounds good, would share the recipe? Thank you Sat Oct 24 20:22:31 -0700 2009 5094521 62097 paprkutr 9 5128869 It's Giada's raspberry tiramisu on the food network site. Just remember it uses soft ladyfingers, not the hard you use for traditional tiramisu. Sat Oct 24 23:52:16 -0700 2009 5128625 18970 Val55 3 5179654 You are absolutely right, it does depend on the group. One group of our friends, we always bring something, and another, we don't. And if someone asks what they can bring, my answer is the same as many others: DESSERT! Fri Nov 13 13:34:46 -0800 2009 5089918 14917 mtngirlnv 2 5094967 I think this is something that can be very local in nature. In my circles, you kind of get a feel for when you are expected to ask whether or not you should bring something and when you shouldn't (and just bring a host/hostess gift.) I'm not saying I'm crazy about it - and I would never let someone sucker me into providing the main course for a dinner party - but sometimes, when in Rome, you must do as the Romans do. Sun Oct 11 09:33:26 -0700 2009 5088840 63569 flourgirl 1 5088870 I've never heard of this, or had it happen to me (thankfully). Naturally, you write a thank you note for the dishes and the facilities, and politely ask for the addresses of the others who brought the items that complemented the main course so well. I suspect you are not going to get one from your "host". Or if you have the gumption, invite them to your place, and say that you learned a lot from the way they hosted the last party, so could they please bring..... (I imagine these things in my head, but don't think I could pull it off in real life! Most likely, I might just alter the ways/venues for socializing with this person. And build my ability to say no.) Thu Oct 08 12:07:39 -0700 2009 5088227 67581 4Snisl 1 5088941 You're far more giving than I. NO WAY would I be cooking for the bridal shower. I'd be done when done is done. Like now! But, just so you know "using" is not new. Way way long time ago, my first husband and I were invited to dinner by a couple who had newly joined our circle of friends. Back then, I designed and made all of my own clothes and had a reputation for style. Hey, I was young and had a 21 inch waist. Now I'm no longer young and don't. So anyway, we went to dinner. It was so so, but the hostess had tried. After dinner, she whipped out a sketch pad and a couple of pencils and with a smile, placed them in front of me and said, "Dinner isn't free. Design me a dress for a ball in two weeks. I do have a dressmaker and all she needs is a really great sketch for an original design." My first impulse was to push the sketch pad aside, drop some cash on the table to cover dinner and leave. But then an evil get-even idea struck. So I designed a dress for her with a lot of bias cutting and that required stiffeners, boning and underpinnings that I knew were absolutely not availabe on such short notice. She didn't know that. She was thrilled with the design. But she never got the gown. Her dressmaker laughed at her! Sometimes there are ways to "pay back in kind." Too bad the food for the shower will be served to everyone or you could use about a quart of Sriracha in it. '-) Thu Oct 08 12:35:39 -0700 2009 5088227 112096 Caroline1 2 5092536 Thanks for the chuckle! Great response! Fri Oct 09 18:47:03 -0700 2009 5088941 131171 nofunlatte 2 5094473 I loved your story Caroline, how clever! As for the OP, I have to say you'll so much better than me too. Upon discovering the truth of the matter I would have turned around, grabbed my lasagna and my husband and left leaving everyone without dinner. I simply have no tolerance for people who take advantage of others, how utterly rude and manipulative. Sat Oct 10 23:07:33 -0700 2009 5088941 224081 BamiaWruz 3 5094609 See, if voting which we're not of course, you'd get mine for being the better person. Refusing to be a victim is a GOOD thing. Enabling bad behavior just makes it go on and on and on. Sun Oct 11 04:48:57 -0700 2009 5094473 131001 c oliver 2 5096516 Great story! very quick thinking on your part. Mon Oct 12 05:59:28 -0700 2009 5088941 23758 Withnail42 2 5144445 Oh wow, Caroline!! i'm just a beginning sewer, and just -cringe- reading about your design!! I bet it looked great, but impossible to make in a quick time. Very, very nefarious and a fitting return for your insensitive host. Kudos to you!! Fri Oct 30 20:25:13 -0700 2009 5088941 23858 Honeychan 1 5088972 I'm not really sure if I'd be pissed or spend the whole night laughing at such rudeness. Of course, I guess it's a case where sometimes you're so mad at something/one you just have to laugh. AT THEM!!! First of all, you need to have your radar up a bit better. You can always accept the invitation and when told to do so, just politely tell them you wouldn't have time to do it that day. Accept no other offers at that point. DT Thu Oct 08 12:45:22 -0700 2009 5088227 11291 Davwud 1 5089547 If I'm hosting, I tell guests not to bring anything. If I'm a guest, I never offer to bring anything. To me, "guest" and "host" have clearly defined meanings. Potlucks are, of course, different. Thu Oct 08 16:23:29 -0700 2009 5088227 11995 pikawicca 1 5089675 Wow. That's not a "dinner party"...it's a "Potluck"...and you got the shaft!!!!! No, this has never happened to me. I have been asked to make really expensive or time intensive things to bring to Potlucks before, but not often. These people are either "etiquette challenged", too poor to feed themselves, or they think you are a big sucker. I would definitely ditch them ASAP. Thu Oct 08 17:10:05 -0700 2009 5088227 1110504 sedimental 2 5090940 Sounds more like a Stick Up than a Pot Luck. People who 'host' potlucks usually at least have the decency to contribute the main course! Unbelievable. And what pains me most about this behavior is that we enjoy such vast relative wealth in this nation but people of very modest means overseas would never DREAM of treating a guest this way even if hosting in full means that their family sacrifices for weeks beforehand. Fri Oct 09 08:41:48 -0700 2009 5089675 19937 Kater 1 5089968 I had to check the date on this thread because there was an simmilar situation posted here not too long ago. Take home message be careful what you ask for. Sorry when I'm invited to a dinner party I expect the host to provide the meal unless it is a pot luck dinner. When I host a dinner party and some asks what can I bring I say just come hungry. Thu Oct 08 19:39:46 -0700 2009 5088227 89493 scubadoo97 1 5090461 "thanks for the invitation. What are you serving? I'd be happy to bring (wine, dessert, side dish)" Fri Oct 09 05:25:20 -0700 2009 5088227 109573 coney with everything 2 5099338 I am going to use this for the future. Thank you. Tue Oct 13 07:57:30 -0700 2009 5090461 729068 cookieluvntasha 1 5090505 I'm strongly on the side of "Don't tell, don't ask!" When someone invites me to dinner, I sinply say, "Love to!" or "Bummer! I have plans for that night that can't be changed." If someone calls and says they're having a pot-luck, that's a whole other thing, but when an invitation for dinner is offered, that's what I expect. After all, when I get a wedding invition, I don't write back and ask what part of the wedding I can take care of. If the invitation is proffered as a dinner invitation and once I've committed the caller tosses in a request to bring food, I agree hesitantly, then call back the next day with regrets. I don't object to pot-luck invitations, though I seldom accept because of multiple food allergies. However I greatly object to "entrapment invitations"; invitations presented as one thing, then switch-and-baited to another. That's a BIG no no! Fri Oct 09 05:50:58 -0700 2009 5088227 112096 Caroline1 2 5090568 I get into a slight disagreement with my wife on this. She thinks it's rude not to ask, can she bring something. I think it's rude to accept her invitation to bring something. We have some friends that would never take her up on the offer and others that say sure, how about a salad, side dish or dessert. Never got stuck with the main course though. I don't want my guess to bring part of the meal. If they bring a bottle of wine, I'm cool with that. Some nice after dinner drink, cigars...all of those things I'm fine with. I don't ask for anything but if brought it's appreciated. There are some get togethers that are a shared experience. Not so much potluck but where everyone chips in to the dinner in some way. That's okay but the premise is up front. Fri Oct 09 06:27:28 -0700 2009 5090505 89493 scubadoo97 3 5090582 I've shared this on various threads over the years, but my go-to item that guests can bring (assuming it's not a planned casual dinner where I am making the entree and some side and friends may bring a salad or dessert) when I really don't want them to bring anything is ice. Ice is cheap, you can't have too much and is easily disposed of at the end of the night. Fri Oct 09 06:33:13 -0700 2009 5090568 11990 Janet from Richmond 4 5090648 You can't have too much ice? I guess there is a shortage, globally. Fri Oct 09 06:57:46 -0700 2009 5090582 149250 DeppityDawg 5 5090655 For our parties, nope. Between icing down beer, making mixed drinks, etc. more ice is always welcomed. Fri Oct 09 07:00:22 -0700 2009 5090648 11990 Janet from Richmond 1 5090807 OK sh%t happens. It has happened to probably everyone who loves to cook. Has it happened to jfood? yup. Jfood was part of a Gourmet group in town and the first time he was assigned entree, for 12 people. OK jfood thought he paid his dues. Next time, jfood assigned entree, hos response, "what are others bringing?" They agreed on a 50% share of the entree with someone else. OK jfood bring tangine chicken and the other bring frozen entree from grocer. Third time? the asigned jfood the entree AGAIN. "Thank you very much for this but we are busy." As far as the question what can we bring? Jfood always responds with "wine or dessert, if you would like." Jfood has never seen a at-home dinner that had too many of either. Fri Oct 09 07:53:08 -0700 2009 5088227 11290 jfood 2 5090947 If I get asked my first question is generally "Do you have a specialty??" To me, if you make awesome pies (or whatever) and want to show off, who am I to stop you?? I'd never expect a large portion of the meal to be brought by someone else. I don't expect anything else to be brought. I consider anything else a bonus. Unless there was a pact in place ahead of time. Like one time we hosted a pot luck appetizer party. Everyone brought their favourite appetizer. It was a group of close friends who most of the time ended up at one house. We offered a different venue. DT Fri Oct 09 08:43:29 -0700 2009 5090807 11291 Davwud 3 5091091 Oh that is a dangerous question. What if you are preparing a foie gras torchon, followed by a beautiful roast crown of lamb and the response is "Everyone LOVES my 8 layer dip! You just supply the cool ranch Doritos for dipping."? Or not as drastic, you are making lasagna and the response is "My specialty is tuna tartare." It just doesn't go with your menu. Fri Oct 09 09:28:54 -0700 2009 5090947 24925 chow_gal 4 5091102 Exactly. I am a good cook and thoroughly enjoy planning a meal, soup to nuts so to speak. I do NOT want someone bringing something that's going to mess up the balance. Same goes for holidays. If the meal is at my house, don't bring food! And anyone who shows up for Thanksgiving with a green bean casserole will be tarred and feathered, along with the casserole! '-) Fri Oct 09 09:35:44 -0700 2009 5091091 112096 Caroline1 4 5091318 If those are the extreme cases, jfood would work around both of them. Make sure there were margaritas for the dip (would tell them that the blue corn chips were all jfood could find though) and then switch gears and palce a little sauterne next to the foie gras and off to the races. And tuna tartare as an app followed by lasagne sounds like a very balanced meal as well. That's what jfood loves about entertaining friends, you never know what is going to happen. Fri Oct 09 10:45:20 -0700 2009 5091091 11290 jfood 1 5091110 I would have reciprocated by inviting the host to a private junkpunching party, complete with all-you-can-punch buffet. I would then have given them a bill with an automatic 20% gratuity included. Fri Oct 09 09:38:31 -0700 2009 5088227 12359 monkeyrotica 1 5092437 You could have said 'no, I can't do that' and not gone if the idea of bringing lasagna was offensive to you... I don't think the person who invited you to a BYO dinner party was holding a gun to your head at the time, were they? And you weren't the only one who brought food - everyone else brought stuff to, so you weren't any more put upon than the other guests. You have the power to say no thank you when you're invited to something... and if someone makes a request you think is too extreme a polite 'no, I couldn't manage that' or 'How about bring/do X?' can avert unreasonable demands. Fri Oct 09 17:52:26 -0700 2009 5088227 67657 Kajikit 1 5092850 Question for the OP: Are the "hosts" for this so-called "dinner party" Americans, or are they from another culture? Just wondering -- maybe in some other culture(s) this behavior is considered acceptable. To me, this is beyond the pale. If it were expressly stated to be a BYO party, that would be one thing, but to first get invited to dinner and then be asked to bring the sole entree, well, I'm gobsmacked. Sheesh! Fri Oct 09 23:38:12 -0700 2009 5088227 15807 Steve Green 2 5093089 I'm trying to think if there's any culture where it would be acceptable to invite friends to dinner and then expect them to bring it. I can't, stone soup, aside. Sat Oct 10 06:58:49 -0700 2009 5092850 39874 chowser 1 5092954 as a trade off when told to bring the entree, how about asking if you can bring a couple loads of laundry at the same time to do during dinner? Sat Oct 10 04:56:58 -0700 2009 5088227 22559 smartie 1 5093020 Ok...cookieluvntasha: we should meet...(see my profile)! I was immediatle drawn to this thread b/c I had a similar situation and can maybe even one up you on.....we were invited for dinner, all the guests brought "the food" my contribution being Crab Bisque w/oyster crackers. The other guest brought steaks and a salad and the other homemade guac w/chips. Here's the kicker...the husband of the host procedes to cook the steaks the other guests brought on the grill (bad cuts of steak BTW...super tough) and he puts 2...only 2... filet mignons wrapped in bacon on the grill that HE THEN SITS DOWN AND EATS HIMSELF!!!!!!! While we are all stck chewing on shoe leather!!! I was so pis&*d! We decided we need new friends. Now, keep in mind the hostess self admittingly hates to cook (while my husband and I live for it) so it is fun for me to make and share my meals but this just still makes me SO mad Sat Oct 10 06:06:32 -0700 2009 5088227 248640 care11 2 5093033 At that point, I would have stood up, asked for the other guests attention for a moment and succinctly said, "You, sir, are a dickhead and we are now leaving." Too bad the bisque had already been served or it could have been dumped on his effing head!!! Sat Oct 10 06:16:17 -0700 2009 5093020 131001 c oliver 2 5093037 If that wasn't a wake up call for the need to drop those jerks, I don't know what is. How do people become so clueless? If this is how they act at a dinner party that they host how do they act in other areas of their social and professional life. Sat Oct 10 06:18:38 -0700 2009 5093020 89493 scubadoo97 3 5093066 You guys are making me laugh! If we could only relive certain moments in life and handle them differently. Sat Oct 10 06:41:38 -0700 2009 5093037 248640 care11 4 5093074 BTW...my spelling and typos in that post was atrocious!!! I was just "angry" typing and hit "POST" before proofreading...sorry! Sat Oct 10 06:46:02 -0700 2009 5093066 248640 care11 3 5094854 "How do people become so clueless?" Because people allow them to act that way and they never act any other way. The husband should have been called on it, on the spot, and confronted about the steaks. Sun Oct 11 08:29:59 -0700 2009 5093037 239340 latindancer 2 5093081 It's just amazing how many clueless clods, boors and imbeciles there are, even in today's "intelligent age." Sat Oct 10 06:53:40 -0700 2009 5093020 270888 shaogo 3 5093090 But we need them so that we can modestly pronounce ourselves to be above average. Sat Oct 10 07:00:58 -0700 2009 5093081 57170 Veggo 4 5093532 We need them so we can pronounce ourselves just average - IMO. Sat Oct 10 11:14:44 -0700 2009 5093090 131001 c oliver 4 5094717 Or so that people like the OP and everyone else who is afraid to say 'Sorry, no can do" can continue to play the martyr. Sun Oct 11 06:40:47 -0700 2009 5093090 24925 chow_gal 3 5094867 "It's just amazing how many clueless clods, boors and imbeciles there are, even in today's "intelligent age". Who are you referring to?....the victims of the behavior or the ones who are owning the behavior? There has always been narcissistic behavior, since the beginning of time. It's the people who are willing to put up with it that should be questioned for their strange behavior. Sun Oct 11 08:36:17 -0700 2009 5093081 239340 latindancer 4 5094880 My bumper sticker says it best: "Only YOU can prevent Narcissism" Sun Oct 11 08:45:44 -0700 2009 5094867 1110504 sedimental 5 5094939 Excellent. Can you mass produce and market those stickers? Sun Oct 11 09:17:00 -0700 2009 5094880 239340 latindancer 6 5095064 They are mass produced somewhere. I was given it by a friend and I continually have comments on it! Sun Oct 11 10:35:08 -0700 2009 5094939 1110504 sedimental 4 5094933 That is totally unfair classifying people who help those who cannot cook, and look to friends for help, as clods, boors or imbeciles. Some may better be described as empathetic, giving and a great friend. Sun Oct 11 09:13:19 -0700 2009 5094867 11290 jfood 5 5094991 But there is a considerable difference between friends who help (indeed, a kind and honorable thing to do) and allowing oneself to be taken advantage of. The former is borne out of love and generosity, the latter out of fear and meekness. Although I believe shaogo's original reference to the bores, clods, and imbeciles refers to OP's hosts (and people like them), not to those like the OP. Sun Oct 11 09:46:32 -0700 2009 5094933 131171 nofunlatte 6 5095062 and latindancer increased the data set by including the guests. jfood's reply was correctly placed in response to the latter. jfood already gave his opinion to the OP which is in line with most, if not all of the responses. Sun Oct 11 10:34:40 -0700 2009 5094991 11290 jfood 7 5095096 Point taken. Sun Oct 11 10:56:34 -0700 2009 5095062 131171 nofunlatte 7 5095390 'and latindancer increased the data set by including the guests'. Huh? Jfood seems confused. I was simply responding to an isolated situation that care11 described. Sun Oct 11 14:05:00 -0700 2009 5095062 239340 latindancer 5 5095327 "That is totally unfair calssifying people who help those who cannot cook, and look to friends for help, as clods, boors or imbeciles. Some may better be described as empathetic, giving and a great friend". If you'd bothered to read back and understand what I was responding to (Shago's response to Care11's description of a filet mignon incident) you'd understand I was referring to a host who sits down and eats 2 filets by himself without considering the other guests....that's narcissism in my book and those types of people aren't worth my time or energy. You may have a different opinion, I don't know. Now....while I agree that helping out someone when they can't cook is empathetic and giving, I don't agree that being taken advantage of and manipulated into doing so is what 'friendship' is all about. I believe this is what the OP is referring to. No? Sun Oct 11 13:29:24 -0700 2009 5094933 239340 latindancer 6 5095448 You know jfood read the post three times before responding and only saw one POV in the "Who are you referring to?....the victims of the behavior or the ones who are owning the behavior?" Now after seeing this and re-reading for # 4 and #5 it looks like, oops, jfood connected dots that were not present. So he apologizes for his mis-read. Ciao Sun Oct 11 14:44:00 -0700 2009 5095327 11290 jfood 1 5093122 Years ago I was invited by a casual female friend to a BBQ she and her boyfriend were throwing at his house. I volunteered to bring dessert, some very special cream cheese brownies that everybody loves. I arrived about 10 minutes after the designated time, only to find myself the only guest so far and the "host and hostess" not even having begun to make any dinner preparations. Their other guests were apparently responsible for bringing the drinks but they managed to scare up some cheap, nasty, unchilled white wine from the pantry. I sipped on this for about an hour while they fussed around in the kitchen and the other guests trickled in one by one anywhere from half an hour to 90 minutes late. After two hours, I had been served the nasty white wine and one lone hot dog (no bun or condiments.) At that point I told my soon-to-be-ex-friend that I had to get up early the next day, packed up all but a handful of my brownies and went home. I stopped by my favorite Asian restaurant and got some take-away for dinner -- I was pretty hungry by then. I've been to some bad parties but that one was the strangest. Sat Oct 10 07:17:21 -0700 2009 5088227 1102097 mandycat 1 5095122 I can top it. Once a friend of mine invited my wife and I to a party. I asked if there was anything we could bring, and was told by the hostess that she really enjoyed a pork roast that we had prepared a few weeks earlier, and that would be really nice. Ok, so I get up early the day of the party, fired up the grill and smoked the damn thing all day- you could tell by looking at it that it was perfect! So we go to the party... turned out it was a pretty large party by our standards- over 20 people, and my little pork roast was supposed to be the main course- nobody had even told me it was a dinner party! The roast was big enough to survive the first 8 people in line, but that was about it- the worst part was *I* caught hell for not bringing enough! Sun Oct 11 11:09:51 -0700 2009 5088227 96658 Clarkafella 2 5095163 No good deed goes unpunished Sun Oct 11 11:39:14 -0700 2009 5095122 89493 scubadoo97 2 5095214 I wonder if that's the same person I was talking about earlier... Sun Oct 11 12:26:48 -0700 2009 5095122 105625 EWSflash 2 5116373 I gotta say, people who don't ration their servings when they KNOW there's a shortage are also sadly lacking in manners. Mon Oct 19 23:17:42 -0700 2009 5095122 16363 mogo 1 5095510 Something similar happened to me a few years back. A woman who works with my husband invited us to a pot luck and asked him to tell me to bring an entree. I assumed a lot of people would be going and that my dish would be one of several main dishes. Wrong. 12 people showed up with small containers of dip and chips, bottles of wine and a store bought cake. My dish was the only entree. Luckily I made 12 pieces of chicken and 12 people showed up. When I said I didn't realize my dish would be the only entree, the hostess said, "Well, we supplied the house and salad (from a bag with some cold pasta mixed in) so I thought someone else should bring the entree. "Lucky me," I answered, to which she replied "You're the best cook!" That's nerve. Sun Oct 11 15:04:34 -0700 2009 5088227 11497 Claire 1 5097054 A friend of mine was invited to a dinner party. Five minutes after the phone call, she got another call- "I forgot to tell you to bring the chicken, potatoes, and dessert." Just a comment... when I have casual party and someone asks what to bring I always give them a definite item. A friend of mine doesn't cook or bake- so I'll tell her that we're serving deli, a loaf of bread would be great. Another makes a killer bundt cake, so I'll mention that. I keep a list of what friends are 'famous' for and mention one of those items if they ask to bring something. Mon Oct 12 09:46:51 -0700 2009 5088227 217807 cheesecake17 2 5097640 This whole thread is cracking me up, and I needed something to laugh at today. If I found myself in OP's position, I'm quite sure that it would be my last meal with those "hosts". On the way to the party, I would have stopped at the nearest supermarket or Costco and picked up a big pan of frozen lasagna. Done deal. Or, call no more that 2 hours ahead of the appointed time, with regrets that you suddenly have H1N1. And to clarify something that got muddled upthread -- there is a difference between "hosting" and "cooking". If you want to host a party, but don't feel up to cooking, may i suggest you acquaint yourself with a few good caterers? Its really not hospitable to expect your guests to bring their own food. We've all read here about guests who INSIST on bringing their special "something" to a party (remember the infamous "ribs" thread?) But unless you declare your party a potluck, don't depend on anyone else for the entree. Mon Oct 12 13:29:09 -0700 2009 5097054 102895 Cheflambo 3 5097656 Ah, the "ribs" thread--I'd forgotten about that one! The flip side of this poster's dilemma. Mon Oct 12 13:34:53 -0700 2009 5097640 131171 nofunlatte 4 5097740 Maybe Chowhound should start a matchmaking service for hosts and guests. Mon Oct 12 14:04:32 -0700 2009 5097656 16734 Lizard 3 5097754 Ah the infamous ribs story. I was thinking about that when reading through these. Mon Oct 12 14:20:46 -0700 2009 5097640 23758 Withnail42 4 5097963 I don't think I'm familiar with the ribs story. Does someone have a link?? DT Mon Oct 12 15:36:49 -0700 2009 5097754 11291 Davwud 5 5098003 I think we buried the ribs man under the host's patio! Mon Oct 12 15:51:15 -0700 2009 5097963 22559 smartie 5 5098233 Here you go! http://chowhound.chow.com/topics/411218 Mon Oct 12 17:19:15 -0700 2009 5097963 131171 nofunlatte 6 5098983 Thanks. DT Tue Oct 13 05:12:19 -0700 2009 5098233 11291 Davwud 1 5098723 Someone who attends a dinner party and provides the food is called a caterer. They stay in the kitchen. They get paid. Guests do not. Mon Oct 12 21:23:11 -0700 2009 5088227 156684 RosePearl 1 5099122 You were invited to a potluck, not a dinner party. Unfortunately, increasing numbers of Americans don't know what hosting a dinner party really means, and they think potlucks are dinner parties. Tue Oct 13 06:37:35 -0700 2009 5088227 13819 Karl S 2 5099335 Yeah, but even at a potluck - the host usually does some cooking and provides SOMETHING Tue Oct 13 07:55:04 -0700 2009 5099122 174753 NellyNel 2 5099390 I host dinner parties and when ppl ask if they can bring anything, I always reply with wines that will suit the courses. I still make sure I have different wines or beers that go along with my theme as well. I thought I was going to be asked to bring a wine too, and I think the others invited expected the same thing, but the host did not let us in on the fact the he did not know the difference of hosting a dinner party vs. a potluck. Tue Oct 13 08:12:47 -0700 2009 5099122 729068 cookieluvntasha 2 5099479 There's nothing wrong with potlucks if they are labeled as such. While the OP's host is clearly clueless, many Americans just don't have the money and/or space to cook all the dishes needed for a full-on dinner party. Most of the dinner parties I attend are potlucks to some extent and I have no problem with that. Tue Oct 13 08:43:29 -0700 2009 5099122 107671 queencru 3 5099640 Understood, but I am a single host with only about 3 feet of counter space, and I could put on a fine dinner (souffle, salad, bread, fruit-based dessert) for under $30 not including wine. Many people don't know how to put on a frugal logistically sane meal by themselves. But they should be encouraged to try and learn. Tue Oct 13 09:34:26 -0700 2009 5099479 13819 Karl S 4 5099669 I agree, I don't think the money is the issue. Most dinner parties are not more than a few couples. Not talking about dinner for 50-100 people. A dinner party does not have to cost more than $50-100 and certainly you could do it for less. Not saying everyone could afford that but most go out to dinner a little and even going to Chili's a couple of times will put you back that much. Mostly it has to do with priorities. Being a gracious host is not about money. Tue Oct 13 09:44:14 -0700 2009 5099640 89493 scubadoo97 5 5100945 Speaking of couples, Scubadoo . . . . . . . I don't like to boast but I can top most of these accounts. I was once asked by an ex-coworker to come to her house in the afternoon to help her cook the meal for her dinner party that evening. But she made it clear I was not invited to the party b/c it was all couples and I wasn't in a relationship at the time. Needless to say, I declined her oh-so-magnanimous offer of the privilege of cooking her dinner. Tue Oct 13 16:55:41 -0700 2009 5099669 1093156 cinnamon girl 6 5100989 Good for you for declining! Honestly, that is just such a breach of manners. Even when I'm in a relationship, I don't always take a bf to a dinner party--I guess it's kind a way of thumbing my nose at the tired notion that people MUST be coupled or that couples MUST NOT have separate lives (and that notion is very tired--most dinner parties I'm invited to or that I give involve all manners of couples and singles, though I suppose I need to make friends with a triad to expand my guest horizons!) The being-invited-to-cook is such a nice touch. Tue Oct 13 17:17:32 -0700 2009 5100945 131171 nofunlatte 7 5101031 Yes I'm the same. I don't feel joined at the hip when in a relationship ... and sometimes it's a bit insulting to hosts when people will show up with just anyone to an expensive event - just so as not to go dateless. Her request was so bizarre b/c we weren't even still coworkers at the time. She called and wanted to go to coffee in the a.m. and then asked me to do this the same day. Tue Oct 13 17:35:39 -0700 2009 5100989 1093156 cinnamon girl 6 5101009 Wow that took chuzpa. I hope she paid you well for the catering. BTW, sorry about the couples thing. Been married so long I just tend to think in twos. Tue Oct 13 17:26:20 -0700 2009 5100945 89493 scubadoo97 7 5101035 No I didn't do it so couldn't send her a catering bill! lol . . . no need to apologize - I wasn't having a go at you; just seizing the opportunity to make a joke while telling my weird tale. :-) Tue Oct 13 17:37:42 -0700 2009 5101009 1093156 cinnamon girl 8 5101088 Yeah I now see that when re--reading your previous post. I was so taken back by your co-workers request. At least she was smart enough to not ask you when you had a hot cup of coffee in your hands. Tue Oct 13 17:58:43 -0700 2009 5101035 89493 scubadoo97 4 5099718 Karl, I'll "see" your 3 feet of counter space and "raise" you, on behalf of my mother. She has NO counterspace at all in her tiny kitchen (in a 80 yr old apt in Brooklyn NY). Her kitchen table was her work space along with a sliver of space over her double sink, next to a tiny oven. Mom used to entertain quite a lot when I was growing up, and she never did potluck. I remember one year my parents had different groups of about 16 people over every few weeks. This went on for about 3 months and I had to do all the dishes (no paper plates EVER) because of course, we didn't have a dishwashing machine. God bless her, she doesn't remember this, but I sure do. She made everything from scratch (except for bread), mostly traditional Jewish food. Chopped liver, blintzes, brisket, and noodle pudding were standard fare. And like you, she did it all on a small budget. Oh, and she baked every week, without fail. She'd set up her Sunbeam Mixmaster on the kitchen table and whip up cakes and cookies at the drop of a hat. Good memories... So, kudos to you for making do with 3 feet of counterspace! Tue Oct 13 09:59:46 -0700 2009 5099640 14447 rednails 4 5101048 Agreed, when I got my first apt at 21 I had 10 people over with pasta and salad and cheap wine. I spent 50 bucks max and everyone had a blast. Tue Oct 13 17:44:20 -0700 2009 5099640 59001 PurpleTeeth 5 5102119 I've done that several times. A few casseroles of mac and cheese, salad, a green veggie to make the meal 'healthy.' We're not drinkers, so didn't even bother with wine, just served fresh lemonade. Some of the best parties... and the food is all non messy.. so no worries when the men decide to eat in the living room! Wed Oct 14 07:29:03 -0700 2009 5101048 217807 cheesecake17 6 5103217 Mac & Cheese is a great one and everyone loves it. Also love chili for that. Wed Oct 14 13:49:29 -0700 2009 5102119 59001 PurpleTeeth 7 5103243 I did chili for a superbowl party. Everyone loved, and it ended up costing practically nothing! When I did the mac and cheese, I staggered the oven times b/c they didn't all fit at once. It actually worked out to by benefit, since people came at different times. There was always a hot casserole going onto the table, and a scraped cleaned one going into the sink to soak. Wed Oct 14 13:58:07 -0700 2009 5103217 217807 cheesecake17 2 5099659 'You were invited to a potluck, not a dinner party. Unfortunately, increasing numbers of Americans don't know what hosting a dinner party really means, and they think potlucks are dinner parties." Really? I give lots of dinner parties and am invited to them as such. People don't ask me, when invited to my parties, if they can bring anything and I never ask the host of the party I'm invited to. If I need help I hire people to help me. There is no way I would expect my guests to be involved other than to attend and enjoy. However a hostess gift is ALWAYS given on both accounts whether it be flowers, candy or whatever. As you say, a potluck is not a dinner party and a dinner party is in no way shape or form a potluck. Tue Oct 13 09:41:34 -0700 2009 5099122 239340 latindancer 1 5107436 "Oh -- it's a POTLUCK. Sorry -- I misunderstood. I thought you were inviting us to a dinner party. I'm afraid I don't have the time or energy right now to participate in this type of activity. Anyway, I've never made lasagna before, and I wouldn't want to subject a room full of guinea pigs to my trial effort. Perhaps we can have a real dinner party sometime." Fri Oct 16 05:55:29 -0700 2009 5088227 13619 Sharuf 2 5127379 Wow, the host in the OPs post was one extreme, you are the other. If I ever got such a response from a friend, I don't think they'd be my friend anymore. Sat Oct 24 08:45:40 -0700 2009 5107436 15507 Rick 3 5127547 I think one is allowed to accept or reject any invitation. If a potluck isn't what one has in mind, then just say no. And if the potluck aspect of it is announced after the invitation has been accepted, it's still alright. Sat Oct 24 10:14:30 -0700 2009 5127379 131001 c oliver 4 5127565 I think it's fine to say you're not interested in a potluck, but I agree that the "perhaps we can have a real dinner party sometime" is a bit much. I would probably just say I don't have time to cook lasagna before the party or that it's not really my specialty. Sat Oct 24 10:24:39 -0700 2009 5127547 107671 queencru 5 5127585 I agree with you that "real dinner party" might be a bit much. BUT. These are clearly people who really aren't friends so go ahead and annoy them :) But in my book it's also fine to say that you'd love to get together but really not up to contributing this time around. Leave it to the faux-host to decide. I love to cook and I love to have people around so the majority of the time, we're doing the hosting. But I also have no problem with saying that we're stressed/busy/whatever and that I can't. If I lost a friend, than I didn't really have that particular friend. Good riddance to bad rubbish as my mother used to say :) Sat Oct 24 10:35:49 -0700 2009 5127565 131001 c oliver 1 5126206 Maybe you were invited to my sister's house. The family was invited there one Thanksgiving. When we arrived, all the necessary ingredients for the meal were piled up on the counter. As the afternoon progressed, my sister made no move at all to begin preparations. At about 5 PM, my father and I looked at each other, and realized that unless we did something, there would be no Thanksgiving dinner. So, he and I used what was available and put together a minimal dinner, just to avoid conflicts in the family. I no longer have anything to do with my sister, for this and a myriad of other reasons. And I don't feel in the least bit guilty. Fri Oct 23 15:11:07 -0700 2009 5088227 10625 Missyme 2 5126213 Ah, that venerable American tradition, the Passive-Aggressive Holiday Feast. Too bad Norman Rockwell didn't illustrate cinematic cartoons; he was capable of skewering folk on occasion. Fri Oct 23 15:17:18 -0700 2009 5126206 13819 Karl S 2 5126293 Wow! That's really bad. This is why I invite strangers (my husband's law students) to join us for Thanksgiving. Nothing but gratitude and pleasant behavior. Fri Oct 23 15:53:27 -0700 2009 5126206 11995 pikawicca 1 5126257 Oh yes, this happened to me for Thanksgiving. When I offered to bring something, they asked me to bring the TURKEY. Then, while on the subject, they suggested that I make gravy and bring stuffing. They even told me the type of gravy the liked. I went along with it as I prefer to make my own turkey anyway, but I was stunned. Fri Oct 23 15:36:25 -0700 2009 5088227 1093327 RRobertaR 2 5126313 I would have made it ahead, jointed and boned it, and brought it all in containers for the hosts to slice up, warm up and dish out. If they asked me to do that, I would say, oh, I am not good at that, just cooking. Fri Oct 23 15:59:53 -0700 2009 5126257 13819 Karl S 1 5128566 perfect antidote? see the thanksgiving for neo-slackers on this site and repay that long-overdue invitation. easy, breezy invitations already written out for you!! Ask him to bring the turkey. And gravy too, of course since he's roasting the bird. And might as well throw in the stuffing since stuffing is inside a bird. And do make sure it's understood that no deep fried turkey will do. Nor gravy from a jar.................. And maybe some really good Parker House rolls, pick up on the way...?!! Sat Oct 24 19:42:26 -0700 2009 5088227 1101903 lil magill 1 5144345 We were invited to a bbq at a friend's house. On the day of the bbq, my husband called his friend and asked what we could bring - he said - 'I guess steak for yourselves and whatever you want for your kids'!!! I couldn't believe it. There were three other couples (one from out of town, one who the dinner was for as they were moving, and one other couple that were relatives of his) and he provided their steak. They made baked potatoes and salad. I'll never go back. Tacky, tacky, tacky. (Oh, and I'm not sure what would have happened if my husband hadn't called. It was only 2 hrs before the dinner and when we arrived he definately did not have steak for us or anything for the children. He had hamburger patties for the other kids but not enough for us....) Fri Oct 30 19:24:47 -0700 2009 5088227 173282 beggsy 2 5144407 You were seriously wrong. That was NOT a friend. Fri Oct 30 19:57:55 -0700 2009 5144345 131001 c oliver 3 5144739 Absolutely. Friend? Please don't bastardize the word. Other words come to mind but not friend. Sat Oct 31 05:59:22 -0700 2009 5144407 89493 scubadoo97 2 5144796 Yeah, I have to say that if that was the answer I received to that question, I would have told my "friend" that we weren't going to be able to make it after all and hung up. Sat Oct 31 06:49:01 -0700 2009 5144345 63569 flourgirl 1 5144695 then we have the cases where you are asked to bring a potluck dish and the host criticizes it, My (not delightful) sister is a typical example, she is quite capable of making anyone feel very small if you bring something not up to her standard. She asked a few family members to make fruit salads for a party she was self catering and then loudly told me that mine was the worst because I had added some passion fruit juice to it. Another time her friend brought a pasta salad which she tasted then immediately took it off the table and told me loudly to make it taste better. Sat Oct 31 04:55:51 -0700 2009 5088227 22559 smartie 2 5144856 What a bitch! I hope you told her that she could put those salads where the sun don't shine. Sheesh. Sat Oct 31 07:33:31 -0700 2009 5144695 131001 c oliver 2 5144918 You should have accidentally stepped on your sister's toe so that she would lose a nail. Sat Oct 31 08:15:24 -0700 2009 5144695 57170 Veggo 2 5145076 One way to make it taste better would have been to take the salad, the friend who brought it, and gone home, enjoying the entire bowl between the two of you! Food tastes better when removed from an environment of human toxicity. Sat Oct 31 09:39:43 -0700 2009 5144695 131171 nofunlatte 3 5145087 All of life tastes better like that. Sat Oct 31 09:44:59 -0700 2009 5145076 131001 c oliver 4 5145235 Amen to that, sister! Sat Oct 31 11:14:28 -0700 2009 5145087 131171 nofunlatte 2 5146341 Jfood would have politely told that b&tch (and he has because he does) that he was feeling ill, taken the salad and the family and just left. No scene, no comments. Off to a good meal at some restaurnat or at home with the other jfoodsy, forget about it and then made sure the caller ID worked on the phone at home. Time with the other jfoods is too precious for extra blood pressure medicine. Sun Nov 01 04:28:45 -0800 2009 5144695 11290 jfood 1 5149714 Hahahahaha, that happened to me too!!! I kept on marvelling about it, over and over, to my husband, especially since I'd had the hosts at my place for dinner and asked them to bring nothing (they showed up with some cookies or such in hand). I went, with main course in hand, but I won't let myself fall into that trap again!!!!! Mon Nov 02 12:29:27 -0800 2009 5088227 19782 Full tummy 2 5149768 Oh, and I have to add one thing. The promised delicious dark chocolate pudding cake for dessert (host-made), which was the only thing they served in addition to some homemade "Bits & Bites" mixture, plus cheese & crackers, was made without sugar or wheat flour, "healthy style". I was on top of my game and claimed I was too full, so didn't get a serving, but Hubby, well he was tuned out and ended up with a huge mound of inedible goop. Poor him! If there were to be a next time, which there won't, he will know better. Mon Nov 02 12:40:39 -0800 2009 5149714 19782 Full tummy 1 5149751 The jfoods were invited to dinner last week and were asked to bring the sides, the salad and the dessert. Host made the protein and the apps. Great time was had by all. Mon Nov 02 12:37:06 -0800 2009 5088227 11290 jfood 2 5177979 I think the key thing is that in this situation, jfood knew what he was getting into. I too have had great times when asked to bring food to the party, but usually I know the hosts very well, and we are almost like family. Bringing food to contribute is part of the fun. I have also had great times at potlucks, but usually I am not forced to bring a specific item that is expensive or time-consuming, if I bring it, it is my own choice. Fun times ensue. I think the OP's frustration is from their feeling that they are being taken advantage of by the host. It isn't their party to host, and yet they are told (not asked) to bring an expensive main, for a certain number of people. Fun times are unlikely to ensue. Boy, am I lucky I have a lot of really great friends who never seem to take advantage of me! i am very grateful to have a lot of fun times. Fri Nov 13 01:28:56 -0800 2009 5149751 89969 moh 3 5179688 lasagne expensive? Under $20 for a fair amount. Yes jfood knew what he was getting into and wished he brought more, if you understand. The OP asked what they could bring and the host said lasagne. Jfood agrees it is a goofy thing, but OP could have said, "do you have another suggestion?" Fri Nov 13 13:47:36 -0800 2009 5177979 11290 jfood 4 5179721 Well, lasagne can be under $20 for a fair amount, but I use a lot of expensive cheese, and lots of vegetables, and good canned tomatoes, and I can go over $20! lasagne is a labour of love for me, love the stuff, love feeding people the stuff! And very fair point about asking about another suggestion. Although i suspect the host would have said, "nope! Gotta be the lasagne!" Fri Nov 13 14:00:09 -0800 2009 5179688 89969 moh 5 5179739 :-)) All jfood can think of is the character on SNL...twirling her hair and saying "well I use hand picked tomatoes picked by a georgeous virgin and the cheese is had made by monks in Tibet..." Sorry couldn't resist. Jfood agrees it is a labor of love and the last twonights jfood has benefitted from two great slices from his freezer from a few wwekends ago. you can go hog wild with ingredients for a lasagne but jfood remembers in HS and when he was a coach for the little jfoods' soccer teams when there were post-game dinners and it was get the carbs on the table next to the lousy garlic bread. Fri Nov 13 14:10:08 -0800 2009 5179721 11290 jfood 6 5179844 Ha jfood! I love that skit, it's one of the few SNL has these days that's decent. That said, recently a friend had surgery and several of us set up a schedule to make dinner for her family. I picked lasagna, and easily spent over $40. But I made my own meat sauce with lots of fresh herbs, wine, etc. (Truth be told, it probably wasn't worth the extra expense, when compared to a more inexpensive version though.) Fri Nov 13 14:57:20 -0800 2009 5179739 137495 dagwood 6 5180411 Fair call jfood! I'll admit it is a little ridunculous :) Fri Nov 13 19:47:03 -0800 2009 5179739 89969 moh 7 5180419 it is always apleasure dealing with a rational person with a sense of humor. best Fri Nov 13 19:52:52 -0800 2009 5180411 11290 jfood 8 5180453 Too bad that this is such a rare occurrence. Fri Nov 13 20:10:09 -0800 2009 5180419 11995 pikawicca 6 5180526 C'mon, don't you think it's at least a little odd that the host didn't have a scrap of food to contribute to his/her dinner party? I mean, I never scrimp on taking things to people's homes, and it's usually reciprocated. However, they usually put a little effort into the event--themselves--and I don't mean setting the table. Fri Nov 13 20:56:16 -0800 2009 5179739 19782 Full tummy 7 5181436 goofy = odd Sat Nov 14 11:26:49 -0800 2009 5180526 11290 jfood 1 5177888 I obviously agree with fellow posters that what happened to the OP is totally unacceptable! But regarding other comments, it strikes me that some find it normal to not bring anything to a home when invited. I think, however, that this comes down to fundamental cultural differences. Here in Greece, no one would ever go into a home without something in their hands. It doesn't need to be expensive, and certainly not part of the meal- a modest bottle of wine, a few flowers...To me this is always a nice gesture. But I understand the ideas about such things vary greatly in each country/society. Thu Nov 12 23:04:21 -0800 2009 5088227 240564 eviemichael 2 5178358 I agree. Personally, I feel awkward showing up empty-handed, knowing how hard my hosts have cooked and cleaned to host me for a meal. But as long as the company is good, I wouldn't resent someone showing up at a dinner I was hosting without a gift/contribution. Different strokes. Fri Nov 13 07:11:34 -0800 2009 5177888 150094 ChristinaMason 2 5181413 Not necessarily by country, but perhaps by the individual. When I host people, I really want them to take me at my word when I say "don't bring anything". Often (though thankfully not always) they do bring something. My rationale is that what they bring often winds up as waste: I don't want trinkets or knickknacks or little towels or soaps--I've got plenty of stuff and I'm paring down (time to introduce more minimalism in my decor!) I don't want chocolates or muffins because I'm watching my weight. Flowers, actually, that's okay! Not something I buy for myself all that often, especially now that the farmer's market has gone to bed for the year. I don't want wine, because I don't drink that much (usually only drink wine with friends, though I might have the occasional cocktail by myself). That said, if someone does bring something, I acknowledge it as being an expression of kindness--people really do mean well. But if I am told not to bring anything, I don't! Sat Nov 14 11:17:07 -0800 2009 5177888 131171 nofunlatte 3 5181568 Yes, hosts never tell guests not to bring anything and then expect them to read something else into that and then get disappointed when they do not bring anything. When I tell people don't, I mean it. Sat Nov 14 12:47:10 -0800 2009 5181413 13819 Karl S 4 5181628 Several years ago my friend asked what she could bring to a family Thansgiving in another relative's house. The answer: "The Turkey"! And there she went with a 20lb roasted turkey perched on her lap. Sat Nov 14 13:16:35 -0800 2009 5181568 22620 DaisyM 4 5181878 Thank you--I was starting to wonder whether I was some sort of alien! Sat Nov 14 15:22:26 -0800 2009 5181568 131171 nofunlatte 3 5182571 I agree that if someone says "don't bring anything" they should mean it, and not be disappointed if guests come empty handed. I was just mentioning a cultural difference: in Greece I cannot imagine anyone not bringing anything no matter how much a host insists. It is just considered incredibly rude here. I personally appreciate both the graciousness of the host to want to take care of the guests totally (and not expect anything in return), but also the guest's desire to show appreciation through an offering. But I can understand nofunlatte, you wanting to avoid a pile of unnecessary knickknacks! Sun Nov 15 00:08:06 -0800 2009 5181413 240564 eviemichael