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Sep 12, 2009 07:01 AM

A Federal Goosing

Here we are, blessed with a bounty unseen since pre-Columbian days and cursed with their concomitant results: Canada geese. As familiar now as sparrows and fecally fruitful as Great Danes, these illegal aliens nosh our greenways with impunity, all the while creating a surface so noxious and slippery that Little League games resemble the Ice Follies and a simple stroll in the park requires a pair of sturdy gumboots and a clothespin for olfactory protection.

Dare not molest one of these gregarious creatures and don't even THINK about luring one to your roasting pan; they are foreign visitors under the full aegis of our Federal government: they have, in a way, diplomatic immunity.

What a waste (both ways). How much we hear of hunger, yet millions of pounds of lean, organically-grown flesh parades in full taunt of rumbling bellies. Many of our new citizens, coming from nations not yet divorced from their food origins, are as familiar and comfortable turning a live goose into dinner as others of us are applying Cheez Whiz to a Triscuit.

Let them at it! Think of it: at no cost to anyone, the hungry will be fed; our lawns and public ways will be cleaned and no longer will our ponds and lakes be polluted with disease-causing goose dung. The only possible losers may be the hardy band of otolaryngologists who toil over ear infections contracted during a splash in some public swimming hole. And think of the fluffy goose-down comforters that will warm our down-and-out brethren!

Let us goose our representatives into action!

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  1. An excellent suggest and one my husband the golfer particularly will support. And, seriously, a really, really good idea. And let's face it, the ones that are being protected are many generations away from having ever seen Canada. The don't migrate because...well, why should they? The winters aren't like the frozen northland.
    BTW, if you're not a professional writer, my amateur opinion is that you should be.

    1. At an MSPCA benefit luncheon some years ago, I was seated next to the head of humane enforcement. He told us about their attempts to control the population by oiling the eggs so they won't develop and hatch. This keeps the parents incubating the "dead" eggs, whereas if the eggs were remove the female would lay another clutch. There was a debate about hunting them - although I could never do such a thing, I am a pragmatist and asked if they could be hunted by game wardens, with the meat given to charities feeding the needy. He explained that this had been explored, because it would serve a dual purpose and putting the meat to good use would ameliorate objections from animal lovers. They experimented with using the meat, but that it has a bad texture and "slimy" vegetal taste. They concluded that the idea wouldn't "fly"...

      1. They're not bad eating. Dark meat, almost like beef.

        I have about five golf courses within five minutes of my house and would love to be able to stalk them with a bow.

        1. We should build a wall on the Canadian border to keep those illegal birds out!