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Frozen pizza instructions - a hoot!

Sarah Aug 21, 2009 08:33 PM

Had a Newman's Own Pizza in the freezer and today was the perfect time for it. I read the back of the box instructions and could hardly believe my eyes:
- Do not eat pizza without cooking
- REMOVE PIZZA FROM BOX (my emphasis); over-wrap and cardboard
Do all frozen pizzas come with these instructions or only Paul's (RIP). Now, I'm no rocket scientist, but still...! Or how drunk can one be, and will s/he read the instructions??
Pizza was excellent, btw! I followed all instructions.

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  1. Paulustrious RE: Sarah Aug 22, 2009 08:37 AM

    My favourite instructions come on Asian (normally Chinese) packets where the translation has been done via Babel or a dictionary. I particularly remember the use of the word "incarcerate".

    1 Reply
    1. re: Paulustrious
      im_nomad RE: Paulustrious Aug 22, 2009 01:31 PM

      noodles so good, they're criminal !!! ;)

    2. Wahooty RE: Sarah Aug 22, 2009 11:52 AM

      In my experience, yes. Every frozen pizza feels the need to tell you to take it out of the box and remove the wrapping. And you know the reason they do is because someone has neglected to do so and then complained and/or sued.

      Common sense? Not so common, unfortunately.

      1. s
        smartie RE: Sarah Aug 22, 2009 12:19 PM

        I know of a number of people (teenagers or men new to cooking) who have roasted a chicken with the giblets inside still in their plastic bag! Maybe chickens need roasting instructions.

        5 Replies
        1. re: smartie
          nofunlatte RE: smartie Aug 22, 2009 12:38 PM

          I could totally see myself doing this when I started to cook (I didn't, but it certainly would have been eas to overlook). I dont' think my mother ever roasted a chicken in her life (and my dad did the T-giving turkey). If you don't know to look inside the cavity, it would be easy to do this. With a pizza box, however, the box is external to the food being prepared--pretty visible!

          That said, I agree with Wahooty that these instructions, funny as they may be, have their roots in the need to thwart potential litigation.

          Many years ago there was a comedy troupe on TV (perhaps on the Comedy Channel, as Comedy Central was known in those days). I think they were from Seattle (and featured Bill Nye before he became the Science Guy) and on at least one show, they read instructions and/or warnings on toys that had been made in China. The translations were hilarious!

          1. re: nofunlatte
            Wahooty RE: nofunlatte Aug 22, 2009 12:52 PM

            Almost Live. Every time I see Bill Nye, all I can think of is Speed Walker.

            1. re: nofunlatte
              Paulustrious RE: nofunlatte Aug 23, 2009 10:17 AM

              I pride myself on being a reasonable cook - but I did it in the USA. The giblets were packed in the neck end, something I had never seen in the UK.

            2. re: smartie
              im_nomad RE: smartie Aug 22, 2009 01:34 PM

              I did this, way back when. Can't remember if it was a chicken, or a turkey.

              When I was a kid, I once reheated a cardboard tray of french fries by putting them directly on a burner. I wasn't very old at the time.

              (edit, this was meant to be in response to smartie.)

              1. re: smartie
                anniemax RE: smartie Aug 22, 2009 02:30 PM

                Teenagers? I was working at an in store deli & bakery and asked the deli manager what to do with the bags of giblets from all the chickens we were roasting, as they were on sale that week. She said she didn't know...as in she didn't know whole chickens came with giblet in bags or otherwise. This was 4 days into the sale week, and yes, the 30-something year old manager had been cooking & selling the chickens all week. Needless to say, even though I was only 19 at the time, I suddenly ended up doing a lot of the hot case prep after that.

              2. Glencora RE: Sarah Aug 22, 2009 01:51 PM

                Sometimes even the most obvious instructions aren't enough. The first time my son tried to fix himself dinner he removed a pizza pocket from its plastic film and inserted it into the microwave sleeve. Then he cooked it in our toaster oven (we don't have a microwave). Not surprisingly, the cardboard burst into flame. We came home to one of our worst fears -- a house full of smoke. I'd only bought the junk in the first place because I thought it would be easier for him than real cooking. After that, I showed him how to cook pasta.

                1. m
                  mpjmph RE: Sarah Aug 22, 2009 01:53 PM

                  Yeah, those a pretty standard instructions for pizzas and other frozen foods. Considering the some frozen food cooking methods, like vegetables that steam in the bag, pizzas that you cook in the microwave using the box as a platform, or frozen meals that you leave the film cover on, the idiot proof instructions are necessary.

                  1. tatamagouche RE: Sarah Aug 23, 2009 12:47 PM

                    Ha, love it! Years ago, I ended up writing about one of the funniest labels I ever saw.


                    1 Reply
                    1. re: tatamagouche
                      nofunlatte RE: tatamagouche Aug 23, 2009 04:45 PM

                      Thanks for the chuckle!

                    2. ArizonaDave RE: Sarah Aug 24, 2009 11:19 AM

                      I love those obvious instructions on items - you just know there's a history there.

                      In fact comedian Bill Engval had a routine on a number of them. The one I remember was something like
                      "Did you ever notice that Preparation H says 'Do Not Take Orally' on the tube? You just know someone sent them a letter.
                      'Dear Preparation H, I ate this whole dang tube, but I still got hemorrhoids.... but my mouth is so small, I can hardly eat a jelly bean!'"

                      Really funny stuff.


                      1 Reply
                      1. re: ArizonaDave
                        im_nomad RE: ArizonaDave Aug 24, 2009 01:03 PM

                        hahahaha, ArizonaDave, that is priceless. Love it.

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