here's a challenge - write food-oriented lyrics for a favorite song...

[cmvan]

As an example of what I'm getting at, I'll start with this ode to cheese, sung to the tune of

THE EURYTHMICS "SWEET DREAMS (are made of these)"

Sweet dreams are made of cheese
Who am I to dis on Brie?
Travel the world for Époisses
Everybody’s looking for Stilton

Some of them want a Gouda
Some of them want to use Raclette
Some of them want a Jarlsberg
Some of them want a Mimolette

I wanna use you in Amuse-Bouche
I wanna know what goes with you

Mold your rind up (movin’ on)
Keep your ripe up (movin’ on)

Original:
(Sweet dreams are made of these
Who am I to disagree
Travel the world and the seven seas
Everybody's looking for something

Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused

I wanna use you & abuse you
I wanna know what’s inside you

Hold your head up (movin’ on)
Keep your head up (movin’ on))

Let's see what people can come up with!

Chowhounds to the challenge!

[somervilleoldtimer]

Love the idea, but don't know the song because I'm an old fart. However, I'll work on this and get back to you.

[kattyeyes]

Nice going, cmvan. How I love a truly cheesy 80s song! ;) Annie Lennox would be proud. I'll be back after the wheels start turning (this is more challenging than a 5-line limerick!), so don't give up on us!

[kattyeyes]

I keep coming back to "Don't you want my gravy" a la Human League's "Don't You Want Me Baby" but that's as far as I've gotten.

I was working late and you said you would pick up a jar
That much is true
But even though you knew mine would have much better taste
...

Don't, don't you eat that.
You know the way you feel when you eat that processed food so
Don't, don't you eat that.

Needs work, I know.

[alkapal]

"don't you want my gravy?" --- love it, sista-kat!!!!

i'll be you could come up with something for howard jones' "things can only get better." whoa whoa whoa ... woh-oh oh oh...... <MUST be sung at the very TOP of one's lungs, while driving in the summer with the windows down, speeding down the highway!>>

[im_nomad]

*stands and applauds*

Well done !
i'll have to give this some thought.

[Scargod]

In the same (blue cheesy), vein: Your cheezin heart will melt on you...

[Scargod]

(Your cheatin' heart will tell on you)

Your eatin' heart
will make you leap
at the first meal
seen in your sleep.
But sleep won't come
the whole night through
Your eatin' heart will growl at you.

When beer comes down
like falling rain
You'll toss around
and want pountine.
You'll walk the floor
with nothin' to chew
your eatin' heart will growl at you

Your eatin' heart,
Will pine some day,
And crave poptarts,
You threw away,
The time will come,
When you'll be blue,
Your eatin' heart, will growl at you

When beer comes down,
Like gravy on taters
You call and order it.
'cause nothing else matters
You'll walk the floor,
Till delivered to you,
Your eatin' heart, will growl at you

[mickie44]

The first two that came to mind were the Ramones "You're a loudmouth baby" and Tom Waits "I don't wanna grow up". Unfortunately, all the ideas I had were a bit gross so maybe these two could be an inspiration to a budding chowhound lyricist who can do more than rhyme "grow up" with "throw up". But I know everyone's out there working on this one. Good one.

[cimui]

oh come come. there's a healthy contingent of chowhounds who like gross lyrics. we conflate it with funny! (observe: the long string of fart limericks on the "recipe limericks" thread. :)

go for it, mickie!!

[Cheese Boy]

I should probably recite this every day.

[cimui]

The Smell of Hot Dogs

Hello hot dog, my old friend,
Ive come to snack on you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Leaving the smell of hot dogs.

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
'Neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my nose detected the smell of a hot dog stand
On Mott and Grand
That wafted the smell of... hot dogs.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People eating without speaking,
People eating without listening,
People eating dogs that no one ever shared,
No one dared
Ask for a bite of hot dog...

Fools said I, you do not know
Hot dog stands like cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you.
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the streets of New York...

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon hot dog stand they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the signs said, "the ingredients of this hot dog
are not for you to know
for upchuck you'd throw
Disturbing the smell of hot dogs..."

Etc...

Ok, cmvan, clearly you have a bit more talent than me! ;)

[mickie44]

Wow.

[cimui]

as in "wow... that's awful", i know. ;)
somehow my late night song writing attempts never turn out as well as i'd like them to.

[mickie44]

No, it was 'wow' in a good way but I've been having my yearly craving for a seriously good hot dog so any song on that subject would probably have appealed to me. Write on!

[cimui]

pshaw, you are too kind. but i do hope you get your hot dog, soon!

[alkapal]

fun-eeeee, cimui! {;^D.

[FoodFuser]

Good job! It's like Paulie and Artie were brought back 40 years later, just to observe the obesity epidemic.

[smartie]

excellent

[tcamp]

Oh, thanks alot. I have a lunch meeting in a few minutes and now eye makeup is streaming down my face.

[Sal Vanilla]

How to properly express my love for that bit of poetry without coming off as a wiener??

[Paulustrious]

Just be frank.

And earnest.

[Scargod]

Phoney baloney (dum-dum-dum-dumdy-doo-wah)
Know the way I feel tonight (ooh-no-no-no-nah)
Phoney baloney (dum-dum-dum-dumdy-doo-wah)
Know this feelin aint right (dum-dum-dum-dumdy-doo-wah)

[alkapal]

over a year ago, i penned "romaine" by "j.j. kale":
http://chowhound.chow.com/topics/5740...

"""
typing "romaine" made me think of eric clapton, doing a "thanksgiving sandwich" song:

"ROMAINE"

"If you wanna pig out, go take the turkey out; romaine.
If you wanna get bread, then you'll be ahead; romaine.
She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie; romaine.

"If you've got to use, mayo dressing you choose: romaine.
When your cran is done, but you want to eat on; romaine.
She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie; romaine.

"So if you want to turk down, white bread all around; romaine.
if you pile the meat high, you might still "kiss the sky"; romaine.
i don't lie, i don't lie, i don't lie -- romaine!"

-- written by J.J. Kale"""

[kattyeyes]

Now you have to do Kale-la (Layla)! Just kiddin'. Nice goin', sista!

[alkapal]

i think layla is the best rock song ever.

"KALE-A, i got you in the steam
KALE-A, come on baby, green
KALE-A, sweet green, won't you please be done in ti-iiii-iiiiiiii-iiiiiiimmmme?"

~~~~~~~
now, i'm thinking of a riff on the song with the best-ever guitar solo, which is robert fripp's work in eno's "baby's on fire." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTGsqi...

hmmm.....

"steak is on fi-re
better throw it in the butter
look at it sin-king
like a heifer in the water
...
but steak is on fire
and thermometer will show that
the temperature's rising
but any grillin' fool would know that!"

~~~~~~~
work in progress:
(from the who's squeezebox).

"mama's got a smo-ker
and she never gets to sleep at night...."

[cimui]

now that's just too dang funny, you two. i'm going to have this in my head for the rest of the day.

[smartie]

Lettuce be lovers we'll carry our onions together
I've got some fresh milk here in my bag
so we bought a pack of brocolli and Mrs Wagner pies
and walked off to cook for America.

Kathy I said as we sat in a kitchen in Pittsburgh
culinary school seems a dream to me now
it took me 4 days to make pie with paw-paw
we've all gone to cook for America.

that's the best I can come up with at 8am on a Monday morning if anyone wants to finish it....!!!

[cimui]

Smartie, this is real talent! My goodness. And props for the S&G.

[Passadumkeg]

Spam Blues

Spam's for Spacemen
It ain't for men
They say it'll kill me
But won't say when
Walkin' down Beale Street
Goin' on the Lamb
Avoiding the smell
Of frying Spam
Spaaaam!
Makes me whooo I am.

credit to Dave Van Ronk's "Cocaine Blues"

[Niki in Dayton]

There is a place in New Orleans
They call Commander's Palace
It's been the ruin of many dieters
And God, I'm such a fatass

My mother was a good cook
She made great grits and beans
My father was a cookin man
Down in New Orleans

Now the only thing a dieter needs
Is a carrot and some celery
But the only time she'll be satisfied
Is when she's into gluttony

Oh dieticians, tell your clients
Not to seek my kind of solace
Spend your calories on booze and grease
In a place called Commander's Palace

Well I've got one foot on the diet scale
The other foot's on the stoop
I'm going back to New Orleans
To eat more turtle soup

There is a house in New Orleans
They call Commander's Palace
And it's been the ruin of many dieters
And God I'm still a fatass

[cimui]

*applause!*

[smartie]

brilliant

[Veggo]

A bacchanalian labor of love!

[adamshoe]

I've been workin' on my food show
My name's Rachael Ray
Trying to come up with some thing
New and cute to say
"Sammie" and "yummo" are so last year
Gettin' tired of "stoup"
Better get me a thesaurus
And find a whole new group. adam

[cimui]

great rhyming prowess -- but what's the original melody to?

[adamshoe]

I've been workin' on the railroad. (you young whippersnapper....) adam

[cimui]

oh! hehe. i'm not young; i'm just senile! good one.

[Paulustrious]

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm begging of you, please don't take a drink.
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
It's time for you to go and see a shrink.

Your drinking is beyond compare
You need be taken into care
With bright red lips, your face a sickly green.
Your face is like a lump of dough
Your voice is raucous like a crow
And you are not discrete at all, Jolene
You snore all night when you're asleep
Your breath smells like a garbage heap.
Your dribble's stained the pillow red, Jolene

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm begging of you, please don't hit the gin
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
You just don't know how much this hurts your kin.

Well, I can't really cope with this
Every day you're on the piss.
You don't know what this does to me, Jolene
Well, you have made your choice in life
I cannot bear to see my wife
Destroy herself, destroy my girl, Jolene

I had to have this talk with you
My happiness depends on you
And whatever you decide to do, Jolene

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm begging of you, please don't hit the booze.
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
It's drink or me, and now you have to choose.

[smartie]

What would you do if I ran out of cash
would you stand up and walk out on me
lend me some dough and I'll come eat with you
and I'll try not to eat all the Brie

Oh I get by with a little help from my friends
ooh I get fed with a little help from my friends
mmm gonna eat with a little help from my friends

What do I do when my cash is all gone
(does it worry you to be so broke?)
How does it feel when your cards have been stopped
(are you sad because you have no dough?)

No I get fed with a little help from my friends
mmm I get food with a little help from my friends
mmm gonna eat with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody
I just need someone to pay
Could it be anybody
I just want someone to pay

Would you believe that my wallet's at home
yes I'm certain that it happens all the time
What do you feel when the check comes your way
I can't tell you cos I don't have a dime

Ooh I get fed with a little help from my friends
mmm I get food with a little help from my friends
mmm gonna eat with a little help from my friends

[alkapal]

i think janet from richmond knows those people..

[smartie]

don't we all!

[FoodFuser]

Are these the original, undiscovered lyrics from their leanest days before their launch from Liverpool?

Good work.

[Paulustrious]

I went to the same high school as John Lennon. So let us imagine..

Imagine there's a heaven
It's easy if you try
Taco Bell beside us
Above us New York Fries
Imagine all these places
Feeding us today.

Imagine Chicken Licken
The smell is drifting by.
Checkers door is open
I can see the apple pie.
Imagine all these places
Open all day long.

I'm not just a Krispy Kremer.
Nor just a Dairy Queen.
I hope someday you'll join me
And live the fast food scene.

Imagine Boston Market
With IHOP really close
And sandwiched in, is Subways
And there is Happy Joe's
Imagine Chicken Fil-A
And East Side Mario's

I'm not just a Johnny Rocket
Nor just a Burger King
I hope someday you'll join me
And live the fast food thing

[Glencora]

Smartie is seriously good at this.

I have "Sit Down, You're Rockin' the Boat" from Guys and Dolls stuck in my head, so I thought I'd give it a try. The result is a bit odd, but, oh well.

I dreamed last night mom was making soup for dinner and by some chance she was in a touchy mood.

And there I stood and said, You should add pepper, but my sister, she knew I was wrong.

For my sister she said to me, Get out you're crowding the cook.

And our mom is bound to hit you with the pointy end of her wooden spoon

Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, you're crowding the cook.

[FoodFuser]

Starting with the classics, in pulsing marching rhythm: The Battle Hymn of the Republic, (reborn to Beef Burgundy), circa 1862. It helps to really sing it as you read, or at least thump your foot in a "one-two march", as the meter is a bit strained:

The Battle Hymn of Beef Bourguignon:

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the browning of the meat
As I move it with the tongs, and adjust the rapid heat.
The enamel of "The Creuset" is the tool that can't be beat
While_beef_goes_Bour_Guig_non.

Glory, glory Hallelujah.
I'll send... the searing heat right throoough 'ya
As your lovely two-inch hunks
Become nicely browned beef chunks
Maillard keeps marching on.

There was bacon in the butter that provides your frying base
Now carrots onions mushrooms and a bit of 'mater paste
Then some flour for more browning and some stir with gentle haste
You're ready for the wine.

Glory, Glory Hallelujah
As the wine... sends the steam right throoough 'ya
and your contents do deglaze
in the aromatic haze
of rich red Burgundy.

After braising in the oven, you're a beautiful brown beast
I should chill you overnight, so that you can be degreased
but I made enough for doubles so tonight too we can feast
And open up... more wine.

-------

(Lest we build a coddling revisionist image of Civil war soldiers and their Le Creuset cookware, gently huddled at their campfires):

Glory, Glory Hallelujah
don't let... this simple story fool 'ya
We marched on beans and hardtack
Drank dank coffee, seared some fatback
Our farts... pro... pelled us on.

(End with flourish, crescendo... As flourish with end, diminu-Wind-o.)

[alkapal]

yet another winner, food fuser!

[jumpingmonk]

When you find you roast beef
dried out beyond belief
dehydrated; just not moist.
When you find your turkey
is as hard a jerkey
and looks like a roofing joist.
When you country breakfast
has become a wreck-fest
tough as over-boiled goat.
Learn you this discovery
you will find recovery
in a pointed silver boat

USE THE GRAVY!
Utilize tha sauce so brown
USE THE GRAVY!
pour it on and chow on down
USE THE GRAVY!
makes even failed food get renown
USE THE GRAVY! USE THE GRAVY!

I WANT YOU! I WANT YOU!, I WANT YOU!
TO USE SAUCE AU JUS!

[kattyeyes]

I had to think about yours (loved it, btw). IN THE NAVY! You rule--very clever. :) "THEY-WANT-YOU!"

[Paulustrious]

I can almost see you strutting in a black leather cassock, gravy boat in one hand, the traditional dried-out turkey drumstick in the other.

Breakfast Dancing.

[jumpingmonk]

No, I'd have to get four other people, then we could dress one as a chef, one a short order cook etc.... I'm just sorry that the latness of the hour and my own inadeqate skills kept me from doing a parody of equal length to the orignal.

[jumpingmonk]

Oh and one minor clarification point. I take my screename from a very complex Chinese Banquet dish, so the monk in question would be dressed in saffron (yellow orange) not black

[Paulustrious]

Sorry - the song and the yellow outfit lead to a disconnect. Can't quite envisage the Buddhist Bad Boy. The closest I can get is...

I'm just mad about saffron.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQz_s8...

[cimui]

i know, right? foodfuser clearly needs to record an album.... and publish a book of food-related limericks!

[kattyeyes]

I just can't stand it. 7 in the morning and 7 at night and the hits just keep on comin' from you, my man. How do you do it? :)

[mickie44]

All of these creative lyrics remind me of how I got to Chowhound in the first place...through one of my favorite Calvin Trillin books. If he is still a Chowhound poster, I'm sure he could toss off some great foodie lyrics and if he is still here, I want to thank him for his books.

[JerryMe]

If you don't eat your meat how can you have any pudding!
If you don't eat your meat how can you have any pudding??

"Another Brick in the Wall" from Pink Floyd. Sheesh. Scary

I seriously need a better hobby.

[garlicvampire]

Thanks folks, now I'll be hearing Weird Al songs in my head all night!

[alkapal]

"eat it! eat it!" ;-)).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAs9e6O23qs

"fat!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqz1ojIQTBk&feature=related
"if i have one more pie a la mode, i'm gonna have my own zip code."

"trapped in the drive-thru"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJWSkS...
(i've never seen this one before, it's hilarious...stick it out!).

[jumpingmonk]

Don't forget some of Al's other hits "Taco Grande (Rico Suave)", "The White Stuff (The Right Stuff)","My Bologna (My Sharona)", and "Spam (Stand)" . While you're at it, you can add "Good morning, Starbucks" by the Capitol Steps.
oh and this one in tribute to a certain favorite seasoning
http://www.bagelfather.com/funstuff/p...

[smartie]

My Sharona could also be My Corona

There is 'Honey' and Life is a Minestrone.

also don't forget Pizza my Heart by Janis Joplin

[jumpingmonk]

Forgot one Al "I Love Rocky Road" ("I Love Rock and Roll")

[alkapal]

you know, for being such a skinny guy, weird al sure loves food! ;-).

[jumpingmonk]

Two more I forgot from him (sorry for the frequent updates but it's been a while since I actually had Weird al CDs so I keep having to go from memory
"Lasagna" ("La Bamba") and "Grapefuit Diet" ("Zoot Suit Riot")

[alkapal]

la-la-la-la-la-sagne! ;-).

[jumpingmonk]

and one more "addicted to spuds" ("addicted to love")

[alkapal]

i've gotta see that one!

[jumpingmonk]

I'm not sure if there is a "see"; Weird Al doesn't do a music video for EVERY song parody he does, though admitttedly the number he does per album seems to increase with each sucessive one (proably becuse, as he has gotten more famous a lot of his fellow humorists in Hollywood do music videos for him, animated ones that require little or no extra effort from him (beyond being the director and doing the orginal recording) so he can do more of them.) Few of the ones I've mentioned have videos attached to them "I love rocky road does" but I think that's the only one, all of the other are audio only

[corneygirl]

Thanks, I haven't laughed like that for days! I'd never seen "EBAY" before:)

[Cinnamon]

That is way too ... cheesy.

[jumpingmonk]

I just got the Capitol Step's Latest album in the mail yesterday, and there a food related parody on that one too; "I Wrecked my Heart with Spam and Crisco"

[meatn3]

As a person whose musical talent only reaches to turning on the radio, I'm just in awe! It is a little scary, but really wonderful!

(Rushes off to forward the link for future ideas my SO can use when serenading me!)

[Sam Fujisaka]

Born on a cook top in Tennessee,
Beaniest state in the land of the free.
Braised over wood so's he cut down every tree,
Skilleted him a bear when he was only three.

Davy, Davy Crockpot King of the Wild Cookware.

[Sam Fujisaka]

Oh, give me Spam, lots of Spam under greasy clouds above,
Don't fence me in.
Let me eat my way through the junk food country that I love,
Don't fence me in.
Let me be by myself with the deep fat fryer, please,
And listen to the sizzle of the gristle and cheese,
Send me off to Taco Hell, but I ask you please,
Don't fence me in.

Just turn me loose, let me waddle my old saddle
Underneath the junkfood aisles.
On my big ass, let me wander over yonder
Till I see the mountains of fries.

I want to eat all the crap till I fall over defenseless
And suck down the lard till I lose my senses
And I can't look at greens and I can't stand healthy
Don't fence me in.

Oh, give me jam, lots of jam under sugar skies above
Don't fence me in.
Let me waddle through the Wendy’s and the Burger Kings I love,
Don't fence me in.
Let me be by myself with a sack of Twinkies
And listen to the murmur of my overstressed arteries
Send me off to dinner but I ask you please,
Don't fence me in

Just turn me loose, let me waddle to the counter
Underneath the greasy pizza pies
On my big ass, let me wander over yonder
Till I see the mountains of fries.
Ba boo ba ba boo.

I want to eat at the fridge where the fat commences
And graze like a goon till I lose my senses
And I can't look at veggies and I can't stand fishies
Don't fence me in.
No, don't you fence me in

[LindaWhit]

I love how you went all Wild West on both of your tunes, Sam! LOL

[Sam Fujisaka]

Captain Pissgums and the Gay Cowboys was a stingband with songs based on old-timey, Applachian, and Texas cowboy music. The song adaptations were similar, but made into gay rather than food tunes.

[jmckee]

Sung to: The Macarena

One box, a'two box, a box of macaroni
One box, a'two box, a box of macaroni
Butter and cheese mix and milk and macaroni
Kraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaft macaroni!

I can do better then that. But that one we've sung at my house for years. Not eaten it. Just sung it.

[JungMann]

I like Big Macs and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when you see that thing with its big ole taste
And its round bun in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough
'Cause you notice them buns is stuffed
Deep in the greens they're wearing
Secret sauce and I can't stop staring
Oh Big Mac, I wanna get with you
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But that bun looks so food porny.
Ooh, Rump-o'-cow-meat
You say you wanna be my treat?
Well, go gurl, go gurl
'Cause you ain't that average burger.
I've seen them cheaters,
To hell with La Frieda's!
You real deal
Got it goin' like value meal.
I'm tired of magazines
Sayin' BK is the thing
Take the average man and ask him that
It gotta pack more fat
So, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)
Have you greased up in that bun? (Hell yeah!)
Tell 'em to load it! (Load it!) Load it! (Load it!)
Load that secret sauce!
Big Mac is back!

I like 'em round, and big
And when I'm throwin' a gig
I just can't help myself, I'm actin' like an animal
Now here's my scandal
I wanna get you home
And mmm, triple buns, mmm, MMM!
I ain't talkin' bout Popeye's
'Cause chicken just ain't for real guys.
I want beef real thick and juicy
So find that juicy double
JungMann's in trouble
Drippin' secret sauce down my stubble,
So I'm lookin' at TB promos
Grease-soaked gut bombs sittin' all gross?
You can have them tacos,
I'll keep my dollars, you pesos....
Big Mac is back.

[cimui]

Ahahahahahahah!! Awesome. Even better than the original!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pB53M1...

I'm surprised no one's done My Milkshake (by Kelis).

[kattyeyes]

LOL...first at JungMann (CLAP, CLAP, CLAP!!!), then at you for the milkshake comment. HA HA HA!

[Sal Vanilla]

Oh my gosh the talent you all have been keeping under wraps.

[NellyNel]

LMAO!!!
Very clever!!

[lynnlato]

JungMann - I would have never guessed - a closet rapper? I keep hearing the lyrics to Big Butts in my head, tho, as I read your food lyrics - ha!

[Niki in Dayton]

To the tune of "Cecilia" by Simon and Garfunkle

Salami, you're breaking my heart
You're clogging my arteries daily
Oh Salami, I'm looking for cheese
I'm begging for mustard and rye

Eating lunch in the afternoon with salami
Up in my kitchen (eating lunch)
I got up to find some beets
When I got back to lunch
Someone's eatin' my meat

Oh Salami, you're breaking my heart
You're clogging my arteries daily
Oh Salami, I'm looking for cheese
I'm begging for mustard and rye

Jubilation, the deli delivers
I call out for food and I'm laughing
Jubilation, the deli delivers
I call out for food and I'm laughing

[PattiCakes]

The limmeric thread wasn't bad enough - you HAD to go ahead and start this one. There is something so not right about doing this to us poor chow pups.

[Sam Fujisaka]

A Brisket's Lament

As I lay on the cutting board,
As I lay out on the cutting board one day,
I spied a poor brisket wrapped up in white paper,
Wrapped up in white paper, as cold as the clay.

"Oh, beat the drumstick slowly and whisk the whisk lowly,
Play the grill march as you carry me along;
Take me to the green Weber, there lay the sauce o'er me,
For I'm a young brisket and I know I've done wrong.

"I see by your outfit that you are a brisket" --
These words he did say as I boldly stepped by.
"Come sit down beside me and hear my sad story;
I’ll be par boiled in a pot and I know I must die.

"Let sixteen prime steaks come handle my drippings
Let sixteen sirloins come sing me a song.
They’ll take me to the crockpot and lay the sauce o'er me,
For I'm a poor brisket and I know I've done wrong.

"My friends and relations they live in the freezer,
They know not where their boy has gone.
He first grazed in Texas and was owned by a ranchman,
Oh, I'm a young brisket and I know I've done wrong.

"It was once in the saddle of lamb I used to go dashing,
It was once in the saddle of lamb I used to go gay;
First to the porter house and then to the BBQ house;
Got put in a crockpot and I am dying today.

"Get six jolly burger patties to carry my coffin;
Get six pretty pork bellies to bear up my pall.
Put bunches of rosemary all over my crock pot,
Put rosemary to deaden the spuds as they fall.

"Then swing your fork slowly and rattle your spoons lowly,
And give a wild whoop as you carry me along,
And in the crock pot throw me and roll the sauce o'er me,
For I'm a young brisket and I know I've done wrong.

"Oh, bury beside me my chef’s knife and vegetable peeler,
My thermometer on my heel, my ladle by my side,
And over my crockpot put a bottle of brandy,
That the briskets may marinade as they carry me along.

"Go bring me a cup, a cup of dry rub,
To ready me for the BBQ," the brisket then said;
Before I returned his soul had departed,
And gone to the crockpot -- the brisket was dead.

We beat the drumstick slowly and whisked the whisk lowly,
And bitterly wept as we bore him along;
For we all loved our brisket, so brave, young and handsome,
We all loved our brisket, although he'd done wrong.

[cimui]

*sniffle*
I am moved. Poor l'il brisket.

[jumpingmonk]

oh, "the streets of Laredo" Aka "The Cowboy's Lament" . Actually now that I think about it Paul Shanklin did a foodie based on that too all about Mondavi (the wine). Theres also his "I Can't Help Eating Too Much Fast Food" ("I Can't Help Falling in Love With You) which is hilarious because Shanklin's actually pretty good at faking Elvis (I may not agree with his political and social views, but from a technical point of view with regards to parody, Shanklin is brillant.)

I have another idea but this one I'm gonna need some help with since all I got is a title and song base. How about "Tub of Margarine" ("Yellow Submarine") anyone want to help

and then of couse there's what one should sing everytime ones goes out for Chinese Noodles

"And we'll eat Fun, Fun, Fun 'till our waiter takes the teabags away...."

Oh and a bit I came up with a few year ago (chorus only, alas) called "Ode to Sandwich" (Tune is "Drift Away")

Oh, give me roast beef, boys,and cheese with holes,
I wanna spread sauce on a rustic roll
and munch away"

[PattiCakes]

You do know that there are treatment facilities for this. You go away for a week or so, listen to classical music and think happy thoughts....

[Sam Fujisaka]

Here you go:

Fun, chow fun (til the waiter took the tea pot away)

Well she got her chair shiu
And she cruised through the pork chow mien now
Seems she forgot all about the dim sum
Like she told her old man now
And with the black bean beef and snow peas
Goes chop sueying just as fast as she can now

And shell have fun chow fun
til the waiter takes the tea pot away
(fun chow fun til the waiter takes the tea pot away)

Well the waiters cant stand her
cause she orders and plates and eats like an ace now
(you eat like an ace now you eat like an ace)
She makes all of Chinatown look like a Lazy Susan race now
(you look like an ace now you look like an ace)
A lotta guys try to catch her
But she leads them to the wild plum goose sauce now
(you eat like an ace now you eat like an ace)

And shell have fun chow fun
til her the waiter takes the tea pot away
(fun chow fun til the waiter takes the tea pot away)

Well you knew all along
That the waiter was getting’ wise to you now
(you shouldn’t have lied now you shouldn’t have lied)
And since he took your goo gai pan
You’ve been thinking that your fortune cookie is all through now
(you shouldn’t have flied lice now you shouldn’t have flied lice)

But you can come along with me
cause we gotta a lot of bad Chinese to eat now
(you shouldn’t have flied lice now you shouldn’t have flied lice)

And well have fun chow fun now that the waiter took the tea pot away
(fun chow fun now that the waiter took the tea pot away)
And well have fun chow fun now that the waiter took the tea pot away
(fun chow fun now that the waiter took the tea pot away)
(chow fun now that the waiter took the tea pot away)
(chow n fun now that the waiter took the tea pot away)
(chow fun now that the waiter took the tea pot away)
(chow fun now that the waiter took the tea pot away)
(chow fun now that the waiter took the tea pot away)
(chow fun now that the waiter took the tea pot away)

[kattyeyes]

Love it!

[Paulustrious]

Out in the West Texas town of El Paso
I fell in love with a Mexican dish.
Night-time would find me in Rosa's cantina;
Music would play to the smell of fried fish.

Blacker than night were the strips of fahita,
Wicked and evil with a fried onion smell.
My love was deep for this Mexican sizzler;
I was in love as my waist line can tell.

One night a wild young cowboy came in,
Wild as the West Texas wind.
My pleasure was fleeting,
The meal I was eating
My darling fahitas
Were knocked to the floor

So in anger I

Challenged his right said I wanted another
Up went his finger and loudly he swore
I hit him once, in less than a heart beat
He measured his length laid out cold on the floor

Just for a moment I stood there in silence,
Then looked around in case he had friends
Many thoughts raced through my mind as I stood there;
Bravery's fine, but caution transcends.

Out through the back door of Rosa's I ran,
Out to my bike which I'd chained.
But by that border
There's no law and order
My bike had gone missing
And nothing remained.

So quickly I dashed..

Out thru the back streets and roads of El Paso
Out to the motels, the North side of town.

Without that Cantina my life became worthless.
Everything's gone in life; nothing remains.
It's been so long since I've tackled a taco
My love is stronger than my fear of pain.

I called a taxi, away I did go,
Riding alone in the back.
Watching the meter
We drove back to Rita.
Tonight nothing's worse than this
Need for a snack.

And at last here I

Am on that street, a bad part of El Paso;
Should I go in, I must decide.
My fear is strong but I push the door open.
I catch the smell of fahitas inside

Off to my right I see five guys in denim;
Off to my left are a half-dozen more.
They pick up the pool cues I daren't let them catch me.
I suddenly find I am hungry no more.

Something is dreadfully wrong for I feel
A deep burning pain in my ass.
I've been attacked
But my jewels are intact,
Was it a toe or a cue or a glass?

But my love for

Fahitas are calling, I rise where I've fallen,
I turn to the bar and I order a meal
I see the white puff of smoke from the frier..
I breathe the aromas, the smell is surreal.

From out of nowhere the bouncer has found me,
Tells all those cowboys to let me pass by
Nestled on lettuce with beans and some onions,
One final bite and Fahitas, good-bye.

[jumpingmonk]

And one more from me, Since several of you (espcially Sam) seem to like to do it to old western/ C&W I though I'd do one too. The last lament of the unaplogetic eates of trash food. The tune is "Coal Tatoo" ; please note I'm using the Kingston Trio version (that being the one I know) in case the Dolly Parton one scans a bit different okay here goes

Travelin' down that fast food strip
Listen to my rubber tires sqeal
goodby to Wendy's and Jack in the Box
I need a greasier meal

I been a junk eater all of my life,
nuthin' will make me cease
got a gut like a balloon ready bout to burst
sweat as slick as the grease

Somebody said "That's a lot of red marks,
You got on your gut, thighs and chops."
I said "That the markin's left by the fat"
"A little more and my heart stops
But I love the texture,
and I love the taste
I love the feel in mah mouth
And I cant stop this need on the base of my health
no matter how far it goes south."

I stood for the transfats and walked in the line
and fought 'gainst the heath board,NYC
I stood for the right for all food to taste good
now who's gonna stand for me?
I lost my shape
an' I lost my tone
just got a big spare wheels
and a dickey heart that about to fall apart
left by the number five meal.

Someday when I'm dead and gone
an sent to my eternal rest
I won't have to worry 'bout chest pains or stokes
or what's on my blood sugar test
IU ain't gonna pay my money away
for sprouts,tofu, or brewers yeast
I'm gonna chow down while my soul still around
then go to that Heavenly feast.

[Sam Fujisaka]

Fab!!

[Paulustrious]

Thank you.

[cmvan]

I am so glad I started this thread! What a great bunch of creative minds/palates! You guys are awesome!

[Sam Fujisaka]

To the tune of "Life is Like a Mountain Railway"

Life is Like a Trip to McDonald's

Life is like a trip to McDonald’s,
With a drive through that’s paved;
We must make the run successful,
From the Happy Meal to the McRib;
Watch the fries, the fillets, the burgers;
Never saltier, sometimes stale;
Keep your hands upon the ketchup,
And your eyes upon your shake.

Chorus:
Blessed Ronald, Thou wilt guide us,
Till we reach that trans-fat shore,
When the Angels wait to join us
In Thy grease ring for evermore.

You will ask for Chicken McNuggets;
You will taste the filet of fish;
See that Ronald is your conductor
On this fastfood train of life;
Always mindful of anal obstruction,
Do your duty, never fail;
Keep your hands upon the buffalo sauce
And your eyes upon your Egg McMuffin.

Chorus:

You will often face anal obstructions,
Look for indigestion, burps, and constipation;
Once you’re filled, or full, or bloated
They will almost ditch your butter galic croutons;
Put your trust alone in McDonald’s,
Never falter, never fail;
Keep your hands upon Newman’s Own Ranch Dressing,
And your eyes upon the sausage biscuit.

Chorus:

As you roll across the restaurant,
Spanning your britches’ swelling tide,
You behold your jiggling thighs
Into which your train of thought will glide;
There you'll meet the Superintendent,
Ronald McDonald, Ronald the clown,
With the hearty, joyous plaudit,
"Big assed Pilgrim, welcome home."

Chorus:

[smartie]

here's one for the current situation to the tune of Rocket Man!

I packed some bags again last night
it was almost 9 pm
and I'm gonna be bored again and again
I miss New York so much I miss my life
it's lonely on register 3
it's such a timeless plight

And I think it's gonna be a long long time
till the economy turns again for me to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home oh no no no
I'm a Publix man
Publix man stacking shelves and pricing all alone

This ain't the kinda place to work my back
in fact it's dull as hell
and there's no-one like there was at Goldman Sachs
and all these aisles I don't understand
it's just my job 5 days a week
a Publix man, a Publix man

[adamshoe]

STOP! in the name of food
Before we all are screwed; think it over ...
Hey, Monsanto, we're aware of what you done
And all the legal battles you have won
But each time I read about you
I'm so sure we can live without you
So next time, before you f*ck with genes
Think how what you're doing means
It's not corn now (no, no...)
Cuz it's part cow (no, no....)
STOP! In the name of food
Before we all are screwed; think it over.... fade...... adam

[adamshoe]

And while I'm in a Motown mood....wrote a little song. Like t' hear it?; here it goes....
Whoa, mercy mercy me
Size ain't what it used to be
They shrunk the Chicken of the Sea
I guess that means less mercury?
Whoa, mercy mercy me
Pints ain't what they used to be
They changed 'em all to fourteen ounces
Do they think that we can't countses?
And my mayonnaise (woo-ooh...)
Yeah what about that mayonnaise? (mmm-hmm....)
Well, it always was a quart before
Now it ain't a quart no more
Oh, mercy, mercy me...etc....fade..... adam

[kattyeyes]

Hey, DJ, can I make a request? While you're goin' the Marvin Gaye way, someone do "Gotta Give It Up." I love that tune and for sure there's a food version just itchin' to join this thread. ;)

[Sal Vanilla]

Please tell me you made that up! That first bit was priceless.

[adamshoe]

All of my work is a product of my own twisted little mind...scary, no? adam

[adamshoe]

And now, in a tribute to Julie Andrews...

Stuff ev'ry cabbage
Bard ev'ry bird
Heed to what I'm saying
Ev'ry single word
For I'm Chris Kimball
I'd never lie
We test things forever
Heart crossed and hope to die
So, faithful reader
Hear what I say
I would never dick you
Please subscribe today. Peace out, my brain hurts now!! adam

[kattyeyes]

"First I was afraid, I was petrified
That all this food I eat had widened my backside..."

--I Will Survive (Gloria Gaynor)

[Paulustrious]

Absolutely irrelevant this...I was outside this shop (Mark's Work Warehouse clearance centre in Toronto) yesterday and there was a sign on the door...

Women's Trousers Blowout.

[alkapal]

bravo!

[hsk]

Obviously I didn't wirte this but since nobody mentioned it yet and I've always found it amusing:
On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese
I lost my poor meatball, when somebody sneezed...

[Veggo]

Apologies to Eric Burdon and The Animals...

There was a horse in New Orleans
we raised him like a son
he's been the meat in many a po' boy
And God, I know, I et more than one.

My mother was a farmer
she growed us okra and beans
My father was an etouffee man
Down in New Orleans

Now the only thing an etouffee man needs
is a beignet and a drink
And the only time he's satisfied
Is when he's barfing in the sink.

Oh mother, tell your children
not to serve a horse 'til he's done.
He made for a great jambalaya
that horse we raised like a son.

Well, I got a boudin from hip meat
on my fork, a chunk of shoulder
I'm goin' back to New Orleans
A little wiser and older.

There was a horse in New Orleans
we raised him like a son.
He's been the meat in many a po' boy.
And God, I know, I et more than one.

[Sam Fujisaka]

Frickin' hilarious! Good on yer, bro!

[smartie]

terrific

these have been fun to read and fun to re-write

[FoodFuser]

Kudos. I'm lovin' the talent on this thread.

[FoodFuser]

My above-posted recipe for Beef Burgundy, set to "Battle Hymn of the Republic", must be balanced by an equivalent treatment using "Dixie", if I am to remain a politically correct dude.

Verse:

I'm glad that I'm in the land of cotton
Grandma's cookin' ne'er forgotten
Cook away!... Cook away!...
Cook away!... DixieLand.

Chorus:

I'm glad that I'm in Dixie,
I am... I am...
Where okra grows, and toh-may-toes
and eggplant rise so frisky
I'll stay!... I'll stay!... I'll stuff my mouth... in Dixie!

[Sam Fujisaka]

I wish I was in the land of BBQ
Old times there are not forgotten
Smoke away! Smoke away!
Dry rub away! BBQ Land.

In BBQ Land where I was born in
Early on one smoky mornin'
BBQ away! BBQ away!
Dry rub away! BBQ Land.

Chorus:
O, I wish I was doin BBQ!
Hooray! Hooray!
In BBQ Land I'll take my stand
To live and die for BBQ
Away, away,
And try my sauce on BBQ!

Rubbed meat put to indirect heat,
Huge rib racks there to deliver
BBQ away! BBQ away!
BBQ away! BBQ Land.

But when he put pork butt around her
Hit looked as fierce as a forty pounder
BBQ away! BBQ away!
Dry rub away! BBQ Land.

Chorus:
O, I wish I was doin BBQ!
Hooray! Hooray!
In BBQ Land I'll take my stand
To live and die in BBQ
Away, away,
And try my sauce on BBQ!

Them ribs were cut by that sharp butcher's cleaver
But that did not seem to grieve her
BBQ away! BBQ away!
BBQ away! BBQ Land.

Some Hounds acted the foolish part
And tried to toss the meat in a crockpot
No frickin’ way! No frickin’ way!
BBQ away! BBQ Land.

Chorus:
O, I wish I was in BBQ Land!
Hooray! Hooray!
In BBQ Land I'll take my stand
To live and die in BBQ
Away, away,
And with my sauce on BBQ!

[FoodFuser]

Verse:

When a food dude lives in the land of cotton
He can smoke the meats that he has boughten
And admit.... that the pit
Gives best taste to be gotten.

Chorus:

There's pits down here in Dixie
For sure...there be.
Fueled by the genus Hickory
That gives the greatest smoke ring.
Those curves, when served
Give prime results in Dixie!

Verse:

Since the hic-ko-ry is here for pit
Those crockpot ways... just won't hit
Sure, they pull, but it's bull
When compared to the real smoke ring

Chorus:

I'll keep my wood fire stokin'
I will... I will...
"Til that meat takes the smokin' that
gives it the greatest flavor.
The wood... is good...
when... one... smokes... meat....... in Dixie!

[Sam Fujisaka]

I'm a Food Fuser
Watchin' food fuse by ...

to that most asinine but catchy, "I'm a girl watcher"

[FoodFuser]

...mmm my oh my...

verse two:

I'd not refuse her
If she fed FoodFuser
something on the sly...
....mmm my oh my....

[NellyNel]

An ode to Michael Jackson...and my favorite sandwich:

(Sung to the tune of P.Y.T (Pretty Young Thing) (2nd verse)

Nothin' can stop me eatin'
Desire to eat you
Gotta eat you baby
Won't you come, it's emergency
Cool my belly yearning
Sandwich, come set me free
Don't you know now is the perfect time
We can dim the lights
So I can take a bite
You are so right
Hit my hunger spot
I'll eat up all that I got..

I want to eat you (B.L.T)
big juicy thing
You need some mayo (B.L.T.)
big juicy thing
Smokey bacon there
No sharin's fair
I want to eat you (B.L.T.)
Fatty food thing
Bread needs some toastin' (B.L.T.)
Juicy tomato's
And lettuce there

I want to eat you (B.L.T.)......

[jumpingmonk]

I actually sang the chorus of this after an accident in the food hall in college

The mayonniase rots in the hot sun,
I fought Coleslaw and Coleslaw won,I fought Coleslaw and Coleslaw won

My trouser's spatterd with a white scum
I fought Coleslaw and Coleslaw won,I fought Coleslaw and Coleslaw won

a mound of salad knocked off my plate
by my Hamburger bun
am I under a curse of is this just fate?
I fought Coleslaw and Coleslaw won,I fought Coleslaw and Coleslaw won

Through the fabric the cabbge juice has run
I fought Coleslaw and Coleslaw won,I fought Coleslaw and Coleslaw won

No my pants are ruine and it's no fun
I fought Coleslaw and Coleslaw won,I fought Coleslaw and Coleslaw won

My firiend are pointing and laughing at me
as if its one big pun
humilation's such misery
I fought Coleslaw and Coleslaw won,I fought Coleslaw and Coleslaw won (repeat til end of song)

(To the tune of "I fought the law" (preferbly the orginal version by the crickets)

someting has also ocurred to me namely that several of the mondergreens (misheard song lyrics) from those little books I used to own could be turned into full parodies. I dont know a lot of the songs well enough but maybe someone out there does so I'll give a few

"I sat in sherbert" ("I Shot the sherrif")
"When a man loves a walnut" ("When a man loves a woman")

Wish I could do more but I dont ahve those books anymore

[kattyeyes]

Never did a B.L.T. sound quite so sexy--and the Michael Jackson tribute just put it right over the top for me. NICE GOIN', GIRLFRIEND! :)

[lynnlato]

My friend used to sing "No Burger No Fry" to Bob Marley's "No Woman No Cry" all the time when we were younger. To this day I cannot sing it any other way when I hear it.

[kattyeyes]

And we used to sing "Buffalo Chicken" to "Buffalo Soldier" every time they served buffalo chicken salad in the cafeteria at work. "It was a buffalo chicken. Served in the cafeteria. Ay ya ya. Ay ya ya. A ya ya ya ya ya ya ya."

[smartie]

There is also Fry Me a Liver

[kattyeyes]

"Climb Every Mountain" (apologies to "The Sound of Music" lovers):

Deep chocolate fountain!
Rich, creamy dream!
Dip some cake or a berry
It can be quite obscene!

[calliopethree]

When it gets a little slow at the neighborhood water hole, we like to substitute the word "lunch" for the word "love" in song titles, ie. " I'm All Out of Lunch" " Lunch is a Many Splendored Thing" "Got a Whole Lotta Lunch" "It's a Lunch Thing" ...We need a life, don't we?

[Scargod]

Like everything is better if followed by the words "in bed"?

[kattyeyes]

That's fun to do with fortune cookies. I love knowing I'm not the only one who does that. HA HA!

[kattyeyes]

I remember waiting for dinner and playing the piano with my friend while at summer camp. We did "Dinner Food" instead of Billy Joel's "Honesty"...

"Dinnnnnnnnnner food
Is such a tasty word
And mostly what I need
From youuuuuuuuu..."

Here's another one on your angle: "People all over the world! Join in! Start a lunch train--lunch train!" :)

[alkapal]

"in the *lunch room* with white curtains..."

[Rmis32]

I can't get no caramelization
I can't get no caramelization
and I fry, and I fry, and I fry, and I fry,
I can't get no...

I'd better stop.

[NellyNel]

LMAO!!!

[kattyeyes]

I've gotta change my chowish ways, baby
I keep eating and my clothes get tight
I can't go on, baby
Eatin' like a bird so I can feast at night
I need a shoehorn
To squeeze in
To my favorite jeans
I keep on walkin'
and tryin'
To eat more lean
I can't go onnnnnnn
Lord knows I've gotta change.

With apologies to Santana, who may even appreciate women who are not stick figures. ;) Keep those hits comin', people!

[NellyNel]

I love this!

Katty - I will never hear "Evil Ways" the same way ever again!

[waytob]

You ain't nothin' but a chow hound
Eatin' all the time
You ain't nothin' but a chow hound
Eatin' all the time
Well, you've cooked up a rabbit
And flavoured it with thyme

And they said you loved a buffet
Well, that was just a lie
Yeah they said you loved a buffet
Well, that was just a lie
For you its gotta be a BARBEQUE
With pulled pork on the side

[kattyeyes]

PERFECT! Scargod, this one's got your name written all over it! Once again, way to go, waytob! ;)