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How do I respond to people who didn't attend my party?

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Here is my dilemma... one that I have never been in before. I sent invitations for an open house; kind of a housewarming party, but no gifts. The party had to be postponed due to funeral services held for a former co-worker. After that, I had second thoughts about even having the party at all... until at least 8 people asked me, "So when are you having your party?" That was enough to convince me to go ahead with it three weeks later. I sent invitations again, to 28 people. Seven of them RSVP'd with a positive; three with a 'sorry, can't make it.' The other 18 said nothing at all.

Playing on the safe side, I spent over $250 on food and drinks, expecting people to show. Only four guests arrived. The others, I haven't heard a word from. My problem is that now I have to go back to work with all of them and I'm wondering how to respond when someone asks about the party, or says they're sorry they didn't make it (but didn't bother to let me know ahead of time.)

How would you respond/treat the people you work with in this situation, aside from never having a party again?

  1. That is just terrible. I am very surprised so many people didnt respond either way. I also think it is terrible that 7 Rsvpd yes but only four came - so the other three didnt alert you that they couldn't make it? I think that this is very disrespectful behavior. Personally, I am not sure how I would respond to them except to never invite them to anything every again.

    1 Reply
    1. re: cassoulady

      Yes, three of them apparently did respond.
      "Seven of them RSVP'd with a positive; three with a 'sorry, can't make it.' "
      The 7 who RSVPd can't be blamed!

      I'd plan food for those who RSVPd with a positive. If people show up having not called and said "yes, I'll be there" within the stated RSVP date, that would be even more rude than just not responding at all. Yes, I've done this sort of thing - quite a long time ago - and for various reasons, most of those who never responded to an invitation are not in my life any more.
      Bottom line - you deserve better than this!

    2. anytime you cancel and then kinda let the momentum get away from you this can happen.

      1. be honest. then forget it and move on.

        1. How completely rude. To be honest, and in the interest of keeping things copacetic with your co-workers, silence is probably your best policy. I would simply not have a party for them in the future. If it is mentioned, simply state that you missed them at the party and had a great time. Manners seem to have gone by the wayside and that is a shame. In their defense, perhaps there was some confusion because of the postponement of the first party. Hey, it sounds like great fun and I would certainly have attended if invited.

          1. That is really sad. But it would probably be best to not say anything to your co-workers. What did the four people who came say of the situation?

            4 Replies
            1. re: Sam Fujisaka

              The party was set as an open house, stop by between 5pm and 10pm. Three of the four arrived at 5. They asked who else would be attending and I told them. The fourth person arrive an hour later. Two of the four left soon after that, leaving me with two guest for the next 30 minutes. They both asked again who else would be attending. They left at 7:30. I began to put food away at 9:15. No one else came by or called.

              I know since I work with these people that I need to maintain good relations, but my eyes were opened wide and things will never be the same again. I guess I need to look for other friends in places other than where I work. It just puzzles me and upsets me that people who said they would come, asked for directions and what items they could bring, didn't.... and the rest said nothing at all. That's what I get for assuming the smiles they gave me when they got the invitation meant they would be there.

              1. re: coastalconfessions

                "It just puzzles me and upsets me that people who said they would come, asked for directions and what items they could bring, didn't.... and the rest said nothing at all. That's what I get for assuming the smiles they gave me when they got the invitation meant they would be there."

                I guess that I don't understand. You said that 7 people responded to the invitations - 3 said that they couldn't make it, 4 who did come to the party. Of course people would smile and say the right things when handed an invitation - what else could they do? It sucks that they didn't respond by saying that they wouldn't be there. I don't think that you can say anything to co-workers about it now, though. I think it's pretty hard to socialize around work. Always awkward, potentially disastrous.

                1. re: sophie fox

                  Sophie, I think you're misreading what CC said. 7 people responded with a "yes" and 3 people responded with a "no." Of the 7 people who said they were coming only 4 showed up. I had to re-read it myself to get what she meant.

                  1. re: kimmer1850

                    Right, I've got it. I responded below.

            2. I would limit your interaction with most co-workers to on- the- job hours. Excessive familiarity and off-the-clock functions with co-workers are problematic. Subordinates sometimes resent the intrusion on their private time, even though it is a party. Managers and "bosses" often maintain a deliberate detachment. I would confine your get-togethers to your personal friends, and maybe a few co-workers who are good friends, too. It's not your job to throw the company party, and it will almost always backfire.

              5 Replies
              1. re: Veggo

                I admit that I fell into what some might see as pressure. I moved into a new place, everyone was excited for me and asked when the open house would be. So I held one, inviting only the ones that I'm most friendly with and who showed sincere (or so I thought) interest in coming.

                1. re: coastalconfessions

                  I know you are disillusioned and it will take a while to shake it off, and overall it leaves you with a disappointing opinion of your co-workers. I'm not so cynical as to say it will happen every time, but nearly always.
                  Looking for a "green shoot" (do I ever hate that phrase), your liquor cabinet is now well stocked, so pour yourself a tall one and begin healing!
                  And get a little kitty-cat :)

                  1. re: Veggo

                    I really feel for the OP, and give major kudos to Veggo for his advice and responses here. I think you are right on. I think the OP should take a moment right now to serve herself a lovely drink from that cabinet and toast what a kind person she is, even if she got a bit burned by it in this case. I'll gladly toast her, and your excellent and thoughtful responses.

                    1. re: Veggo

                      I tend to agree, since I had a similar thing happen to me years ago. With coworkers, I think it's better just to stick to happy hour, lunch, or dinner right after work- something where everyone pays for herself and if people don't attend, it doesn't matter.

                    2. re: coastalconfessions

                      I think everyone is missing part of this puzzle: the idea of inviting people to an "Open House", btwn 5 - 10. To me, that's a very casual invitation, regardless of the rsvp. You can stop by for 10 minutes, or stay for 5 hours. that's the nature of that kind of invitation.

                      If you were going to host a dinner party, the invitation should state that, with a set time for dinner. People treat that kind of invitation very differently, as the expectation about dinner if fairly clear.

                      I know it's disappointing, but, hopefully you had some great leftovers you could use for the rest of the week..

                  2. People don't seem to take social invitations or responses seriously, in my recent experience.

                    I invited fifty people to a twenty-first birthday party for my daughter at a restaurant where I was paying by the head for the food. For things to run smoothly, a firm headcount was needed a week before the party.

                    Even though I had put self-addressed postcards in each invitation so all the recipient needed to do was check off "attending" or "not attending," I had fewer than a dozen replies in time. So I had to phone the rest of the guest list.

                    Even then, one of my oldest friends, my daughter's godmother, whom I had told months before the party to save the date for both her and her husband swooped in half way through with her uninvited daughter. I had, of course, invited her husband who's my daughter's godfather.

                    1. Been there too often. Don't have open houses any more. They don't work in my opinion, I love the idea but it is always too much work and too many people don't show. I did the same thing, 45 invites, 15 showed up the first half maybe 10 the second. To me it is rude. I would never say yes and then not show. For co workers, which many were ... I just saw them the next day and said ... Gee, missed you on Sat or Sun (when the party was) We had a great time. And, I left it at that. Then they felt bad.

                      13 Replies
                      1. re: kchurchill5

                        Thank you to everyone who replied. I'm torn between knowing what the most beneficial approach for me will be, since I have to continue working with all the people. I'm going to try very hard not to let my feelings show too much, but I think over time it will become obvious to these people that they are no longer on my list of folks I will be all that friendly with anymore. I know that I will get the question asked "how was the party", and I will get the typical "oh, I'm so sorry I missed it, but....something else came up." My gut reaction is probably going to give a one word answer of "fine", along with a smile that says "why the h3ll are you even asking"; and a two word reply to the ones who didn't show up: "me too." I'll leave it at that and ignore any other questions. Somehow, since they didn't have the courtesy to let me know, I doubt they would have the sense to feel bad about it now.

                        I'm keeping the booze, but the leftover food is going to the Senior Center tomorrow, which is right across the street from where I work. Just when my co-workers begin to think I brought goodies in for them, they'll see me taking everything over to the seniors. That should make my statement loud and clear.

                        1. re: coastalconfessions

                          Ooooh... I just had an idea! I can make them all think they're a little crazy. When they ask how the party was, I can look confused and say, "What party?" They'll say, "wasn't your party Saturday night?" I'll look even more confused and say, "no..." Would that be too devilish? LOL

                          1. re: coastalconfessions

                            I would have little use for the three who committed and did not show assuming they committed on the second invitation. IMO you can not expect any one who responded on the first invitation to have the second date "free" to come to your party. Canceling the first event may have had an impact on your turn out.
                            My response to any one that asked would be;
                            Every one that showed up had a great time!
                            Other than that I'd put it in the "live and learn" file and move on.

                            1. re: Fritter

                              But those three did NOT commit, as I understand it - they responded to the second invitation by saying that they couldn't be there! There are plenty of people to blame here, but NOT the ones who did the right thing!

                              1. re: sophie fox

                                The OP stated Seven responded with a "Positive RSVP" meaning that they were planning on attending the party. Only four of those people showed up. That means three committed but didn't show......At least assuming that I can still subtract three from seven and since I still have ten digits I'm hoping my math is correct. But you never know! ;)
                                A lot of people clearly do not understand an RSVP today let alone the concept of a thank you.

                                1. re: Fritter

                                  No, that is not what it said. Read the initial post again, as well as the clarification by the OP below. Seven responded - four said that they would attend and did so. Three said that they could not attend and did not.
                                  As far as I know, all sarcasm aside, 3 + 4 = 7.

                                  1. re: sophie fox

                                    Umm yes do read the OP's post below and above again. Three did RSVP NO and seven Yes.
                                    3 + 7 = 10 responses. You are confusing the NO's with the Yes's.

                                    "Three responded by saying they were sorry they couldn't make it. Seven others responded by saying they would be there; only FOUR of those SEVEN actually came"

                                    1. re: Fritter

                                      To clarify, 10 people RSVP'd. 3 said no, 7 said yes. Of the 7 who said yes, only 4 showed. The other 18 said nothing at all.

                                      1. re: coastalconfessions

                                        So you had three RSVP yes that didn't show. Those three IMO are the only ones you should really have an "issue" with.

                                      2. re: Fritter

                                        Sorry Sophie, I'm with Fritter on this one.....10 replies total.

                                        1. re: Fritter

                                          OK, I misunderstood - sorry. Probably out of disbelief as much as anything.
                                          Yes, if three said they would come and didn't and didn't call, I'd avoid them like the plague in future. I might even say "golly, I missed you at the party, you did say you'd be there." Dunno.

                                          1. re: sophie fox

                                            This might be where my biggest problem will occur. One of those three who said yes and asked to bring a guest (which I counted on) and didn't show, is my immediate supervisor.

                                            1. re: coastalconfessions

                                              Your supervisor? In that case, I would not let any irritation show. Seriously, those who did not show behaved very badly, but I'd suck it up and let it go. For YOUR good at work. File it under "Now I Know" and try not to take it personally. It has much more to do with them than you.
                                              They might not know how to behave but you do.

                                              I'm sorry it happened, too. Crummy feeling.

                          2. I'm sorry that happened to you.

                            Something similar happened to me, and although a bunch of my friends showed for my party, not one of my coworkers did (after saying they were coming) and it really bummed me out. I just had to remind myself that, in this case, my work life and my real life were pretty separate. In the future, when I had parties, I only invited coworkers I was actually close to, and didn't worry about the others.

                            1. Forgot to add ... it is rude and in considerate. I always RSVP, I also go even if for just a short time. Also even if I don't want to go sometimes if work related it is best to go. It is a lot of work to put on a party, absolutely RSVP and absolutely showup.

                              1. since many don't RSVP these days maybe it's a good idea in future to put something on the invitation like 'RSVP by June Xth please or I will assume you are not coming'.

                                Sorry this happened to you OP, good luck at work today. I like the idea of taking your leftovers to the senior home so that they can see you did that.

                                2 Replies
                                1. re: smartie

                                  Yes, the Senior home is an excellent idea just to rub it in for staff, but just a nice to begin with. I know they will be very appreciative.

                                  1. re: smartie

                                    The problem with RSVPs is the people who aren't courteous enough to respond. It's an RSVP. If someone does not respond, I would assume that they are not attending. There is no need to add "RSVP by this date OR I will assume that you aren't coming." Doesn't really sound very inviting. The burden is entirely on the recipients of the RSVP. Period.

                                  2. Just a thought. did they know that they had to RSVP? I ask because I think of open houses more of a "stop in during these specific hours if you can". More casual and relaxed than a planned dinner party. Unless your invitation (oral or written) said rsvp by a certain date, I wouldn't necessarily feel that a rsvp is necessary.

                                    6 Replies
                                    1. re: viperlush

                                      I am baffled. "RSVP" = respondez sil vous plais = please respond.
                                      Yes, a response to an RSVP is required. If the invitation says "RSVP" the invitee is required by common courtesy and respect, which I'm sure everyone would like to receive if they sent the invitation, to respond as soon as possible. A date would help, but a response is still necessary. The burden is entirely on the invitee. I'm sure everyone would feel that way if THEY were hosting the party.
                                      Golden Rule and all that.

                                      1. re: sophie fox

                                        <rsvp by a certain date>
                                        Wasn't saying only rsvp if a date is given, just that if an invite to an open house doesn't request an rsvp I wouldn't necessarily feel that it is required.

                                      2. re: viperlush

                                        I think this is a good point and another reason why in general open houses tend to be unsuccessful events.

                                        1. re: Janet from Richmond

                                          What really frosts me is that 8 people asked me after the first party had to be cancelled due to the funeral, when would I be having my open house, indicating that they were ready to attend and have me go ahead with my plans. Not one of those 8 people, which their prompting was the deciding factor in my choice to go ahead and have a second shot at hosting the party, even showed up. Had that many people not asked for the party, my initial instinct after the cancellation was not to have the party at all. I feel very disappointed in myself that I fell into the pressure to have the party when my gut was telling me not to do it. I gave in to those 8 people and none of them had the courtesy or manners to attend or even tell me that they wouldn't attend.

                                          1. re: coastalconfessions

                                            amazingly, there are many people who are not good at 'small talk', probably because they feel they do not know you or your interest well enough to discuss a topic or feel they have nothing in common with you, e.g. single vs. married or young vs. old.

                                            I can only surmise this of course, but maybe the only thing that came to their minds were the previous canceled party/open house.

                                        2. re: viperlush

                                          The invitations said RSVP. Three responded by saying they were sorry they couldn't make it. Seven others responded by saying they would be there; only four of those seven actually came. The other 18 people didn't tell me specifically whether they would be there or not. Most of them implied they would come by saying positive things about the party in general and/or asking if I needed anything for my house. I let everyone know "no gifts" and I fully expected a minimum of 22 people to show up, just based on their "implications", even though they didn't actually say "Yes, I will be there."

                                        3. I'm sorry this happened to you. Of course, it stinks to go to the expense and effort of planning a party and then have a disappointing turn out. Try not to let this make you bitter, even though your feelings are incredibly hurt (as mine would be under similar circumstances). I know that's easier said than done, but I think you just need to try to move on as quickly as possible.

                                          1. It is not in your best interest to make your co-workers feel bad, even though they are rude and should feel bad (some are ruder --most of all, the people who said "yes, with guests" and blew you off-- and should feel worse than others!). You need to have a good working relationship with these people, especially your boss. Just be chirpy and say, "It was lovely, we missed you." and leave it at that.

                                          2. Unless your co-workers have a custom of getting together outside of work regularly, I wouldn't invite any of your co-workers over in the future. If you have one or two people you are particularly close with, great, sure, go ahead and socialize with them outside of work. Otherwise, most people feel put upon to have to socialize outside of work. It cuts into their "real lives" and time with their families. Sad to say, but people were probably feigning more interest in your new place than they really felt, simply out of congeniality. Consider it a lesson learned and move on.

                                          3. I don't know why RVSPs don't mean a darn thing in our culture any more. They just don't, except for a few people who stubbornly cling to that custom. Sadly, I don't think the custom is going to revive itself any time soon. There are countless sad and angry stories on this board about people who don't RVSP. From here on out, don't count on the "old" RSVP model to work. You need to find your own way to figure out how many people will be attending that works for you and maintains your sanity. We all (myself included) need to stop being so surprised and hurt that RSVP'ing doesn't work. RVSP's. DON'T. WORK. ANYMORE.

                                          4. I love the idea that you're taking your leftovers to the Senior Home. Don't do that out of spite, do it because it makes you happy that your efforts will be appreciated and that you may make someone else's day.

                                          I don't know what else to say. :(.

                                          ~TDQ

                                          4 Replies
                                          1. re: The Dairy Queen

                                            I think that DQ has absolutely nailed it...would just add one thing to (I hope) give you a sense of perspective about this.

                                            The reaction to your event was NOT a judgement of YOU. It was the response by x number of colleagues to a moment in time. They (variously) were disorganized, unwell, hit by lightening, lazy, out-of-town, busy with sick family members, screwed up by a babysitter or you-fill-in-the-blanks.

                                            They were NOT vindictive, picking on you or trying to show their dislike or disrespect (though that may be how it feels to you right this minute).

                                            When you see them, they will probably NOT mention your do because they have a) forgotten because thats just how folks are or b) a bit ashamed because they realize they messed up. You shouldn't mention it either...let it go.

                                            Move on...if its a good job, stay on and enjoy your colleagues for who they are on the job...but don't bother trying to entertain them in your home in the future.

                                            We have all thrown a party that didn't work out and if we haven't its not because we are great, perfect hosts...its because we didn't have the courage to try in the first place.

                                            Lucky Seniors' Home...next time, ask them! Seniors are appreciative and know how to RSVP!

                                            1. re: The Dairy Queen

                                              Very spot on DQ.

                                              One additional point and this relates to your RSVP of which jfood is still a custom-clinger. As jfood tells his daughters and mentees, sending an email, a txt message, a voice mail or any other non-concluded discussion does not relieve you of the obligation to close the loop.

                                              What surprises jfood on this one, and hopefully OP could give some insight as OP has been great at following up on the questions, is why buy all that food first and then wait in anticipation when just picking up the phone and calling the non-responders may have given OP a sense of how many.

                                              If jfood invites 30 people, 10 respond, he sure as shooting ain't making grub for 20 without some verbal or written confirmation.

                                              So OP, why did you not call the people who did not respond?

                                              1. re: jfood

                                                I ordered and bought the food the day before the party, based on the overall feeling I had that everyone I invited was excited about it. I chose my invitees carefully. I didn't call anyone to ask if they were coming or not because I believe the responsibility (and common courtesy, manners, etc.) falls on the invitee to respond one way or the other. As the inviter, I don't believe in having to ask more than once (and in this case, twice, since the first party was postponed.) To me, that feels more like hounding or even begging them to come.

                                                1. re: coastalconfessions

                                                  "I am trying to get a final count for the party and have not heard if you are able to join us" should not be viewed as hounding or begging. If this was a sit down dinner event and you invited 10 people and 5 had not responded jfood would think a phone call to close the loop is appropriate. Better to have an answer than stand on ceremony some times. and it is way better than staring at 5 empty chairs with lots of food

                                            2. i feel your pain.

                                              now, here's my cut.

                                              you're probably young and wanted to make a good impression. that's nice of you.
                                              you want to be friends with those at work -- not good -- too many things can go wrong. don't confuse friends with "friendly" -- which you can be at work, of course.

                                              make friends at other places where people share similar interests -- e.g., church, political clubs, art clubs, book clubs, etc.

                                              i wouldn't invite anyone from work to any future parties. it'll create friction when one finds out the other was invited. that's unless you really do become close to one person or so.

                                              i learned who my friends were when i left a job, and i'd try to keep in touch. forget it. out of sight, and for the most part, out of mind. workplace socializing is always "forced" in some respect.

                                              at the job, stick to your job. don't discuss politics or gossip about other people, supervisors, or gripe about company policy, because you don't EVER know what will be spread around like the bubonic plague to undermine you. this is so EVEN IF you think you can trust a person.

                                              this is the way it is, i'm sad to say. i wasn't raised that way, and -- being a southerner --was friendly, trusting and naive. but living and working in cut-throat d.c. with fairweather friends, shabby politicos, and ruthless self-absorbed people, i learned the hard way.

                                              buck up, chin up, make friends WORTH having, and get a cat, like veggo said. have a drink, too -- because you got the bar! (maybe take a mixology class! ;-).

                                              and your next party? keep it small so you can really visit with the folks. later you can move on to larger parties, but i get more satisfaction from smaller parties! ps, if you ask people to respond to an invite, and they don't, cross them off the list for good -- unless you know they had a darn good reason! double-down if they do respond and don't show -- or show up 3 hours "late".

                                              ~~~~~~
                                              now, to your question: when they ask about the party, say "it was great, thanks." short & sweet. (i wouldn't even acknowledge that they didn't come/didn't respond, whatever). then, get back to your work.

                                              4 Replies
                                              1. re: alkapal

                                                Wow... alka, great advice. Really great advice. I wish I'd had this talk with you when I first started working!!

                                                Coastal: Don't feel bad! There are a few co-workers I really like very much and care about and always invite to larger parties though I've gotten the message by now that they almost certainly won't come. One woman is incredibly reliable and dependable at work, always on top of her game, etc... But by she's now RSVP'd "yes" to four or five events and not shown up to a single one (AND she's not apologized). I have no idea why! We still like each other a great deal and often get lunch or even after work drinks, together... but it doesn't really leave the 10 x 10 square blocks or so around our office. So I agree with alkapal and all the others on this thread who say: work friends almost* never translate into real friends.

                                                [* the great exception: one of my best friends in the entire world and i met at a prior job. maybe significantly, we didn't become very close until after we'd both left that job.]

                                                1. re: cimui

                                                  cimui, thank you; i appreciate that very much. i *also* wish someone had told me these things. i always felt that i was missing a professional mentor ('cause now it's all about the $$).

                                                  but, now, here's the deal, i pick and choose carefully whom i'll invite, or associate with. i love my (few) friends, but i have developed a very low tolerance for total b.s. nowadays. crappy excuses and lies get you on my "off" list (a/k/a "my bad side") -- and it gets you off my list REAL FAST.

                                                  trust your gut, coastal, and find your *heart & center*. if you get a gut feeling about someone -- esp, "first impression" -- do NOT discount that in any way.

                                                  you go girl, and DO tell us where you are so we can get you connected with some hounds!!!

                                                  ps cimui, one of my best friends today was a secretary for a total ##### with whom i worked.

                                                  1. re: alkapal

                                                    Sista alkapal, your advice on this thread (and, as you know, with me in general!) is very meaningful. The point I want to stress in your post above is this:

                                                    <<trust your gut, coastal, and find your *heart & center*. if you get a gut feeling about someone -- esp, "first impression" -- do NOT discount that in any way.>>

                                                    Please remember these very wise words as they apply in SO MANY situations. I shared this wisdom earlier today with a dear girlfriend (we used to work together back in the early 90s) regarding a job opportunity. Sometimes you can't put your finger on exactly WHY something seems OFF. It's not important to figure out WHY you feel that way. Trust your gut and move away from it--whatever "it" may be. Our gut feelings/intuitions should never be ignored.

                                                2. re: alkapal

                                                  Agreeing with alkapal here.

                                                  I always followed that rule of keeping business and personal separate, with very few exceptions over the years. At some point I found out that I was perceived as somewhat aloof and a little cold for not socializing with coworkers much. I still think it's the best policy but, if you are thinking you need to make friendships in the workplace, you have to first get a good sense of what's normal in that group dynamic, and assess where you are going within the organization,

                                                  I guess I'm a little straight-laced, traditional, or maybe just anal, but I really think that developing personal relationships with co-workers (especially with anyone who reports to you or over whom you have any work-related control) can make work situations difficult. Depending on the nature of what you do, you often need to exert authority which can be made more difficult if there are personal ties. ie- How do you deal with having to discipline or get a little strong with someone who was at your house last weekend playing with your kids?

                                                  Being friendly, genuinely empathetic and just plain nice is enough. Getting close with co-workers is not a good general policy, I don't think, though there are exceptions you can make if you feel it's worth the possible risks.

                                                3. It's a lesson many of us have learned. Socializing with co-workers in my experience always leads to disappointment like this. It can also be like this with extended family. This is why "family" and "co-workers" are not the same thing as "friends." :)

                                                  You overestimated based on feelings and supposition of who would attend instead of actual hard RSVPs. If you had gone on the RSVPs, 7 saying they would come, I would have cancelled it at that point due to lack of interest, making up a reason why I had to cancel and then just not rescheduling. Generally speaking with any event or party, however many people say they are coming, you can expect half to actually show, so the 4 that showed up is right about the correct amount based on how terrible people's manners are. The people at work who asked if you were rescheduling were just doing their version of being polite and probably never intended to go, or when the time/date rolled around, just didn't feel like going; they don't RSVP because they don't want to be locked in to going and having to cancel if they don't feel like it or because something better comes up. It's rude but that's the way people are.

                                                  I don't do anything outside of work with my co-workers because they just don't behave like friends of mine would, because they're really not friends.

                                                  Let it go and don't throw any more parties where you invite co-workers. You have us chowhounders as friends. :)

                                                  5 Replies
                                                  1. re: rockandroller1

                                                    I agree.....and it's a good reminder about co-worker issues. The only co-worker I have is my Ex-husband, so it's not an issue for me, but Dh has always separated work from friends and family.

                                                    1. re: rockandroller1

                                                      rockandroller1, I'm responding to you and all the others who stated "coworkers" aren't the same as friends. I have to say--and I've had this discussion with friends--it wasn't always this way. I don't know what changed. When I entered the workforce after graduating in 1990, I had other friends, too, but definitely had friends at work and we used to go out/go over each other's houses fairly regularly. It was the same when I was a co-op student in the late 80s. Somewhere along the line that changed and it's too bad. When you spend as much time at work as we do, it's a bummer to think these many of the folks we spend the bulk of our day with aren't people we consider friends. Not to say EVERYONE I worked with was a buddy, but we definitely had some good times and shared experiences. Maybe it was a different time, maybe it's because we were all so much younger. In any case, I miss those days. We had lots of fun! I do still have good friends from work--it's just a shorter list than it was years ago. As alkapal says, it's rooted in our common interests and is no longer a work-based thing (in my case now)...but some of my very closest relationships are with people I met at work...and go all the way back to when I first started working full-time in the 90s.

                                                      And as a sidebar, I'm glad for my Chowhound friends, too--even those I may never meet in person. :)

                                                      And a P.S. to the OP: you didn't deserve that treatment re your party and I'm sorry this happened. I don't know what happened to common courtesy, but it's a bummer. As Veggo suggested, a feline will never let you down. The beautiful one in my avatar is a true friend. :) I "found" her on Petfinder.com.

                                                      1. re: kattyeyes

                                                        It was the same for me. It was because we were younger, and being "friends" with your coworkers simply involved working a shift together/working the same hours and then going out for drinks after work. I know my friendships were primarily based on going out to bars after work with the people I worked with, we did very little "friend" stuff outside of that. Now that we're older and friends stuff requires different/more, the co-workers disappoint, because they weren't really friends after all, they were just companions for socializing with whom you had something in common.

                                                        1. re: rockandroller1

                                                          Exactly what I was going to say (or I was going to say a reasonable facsimile of what you said! LOL).

                                                          Work would slide into a Friday afternoon "party" within various departments, which would then slide into going out on a Friday night for dinner. As we got older, some got married and had kids, and companies because a good bit more restrictive as to what they would allow during work hours, things changed, and when friends are making plans around outside interests (family, new house, etc.) it becomes more difficult to make those plans.

                                                          It was a socializing thing, although some coworkers at various companies have also become good friends. But not the large group that used to go out on Friday nights.

                                                      2. re: rockandroller1

                                                        Nothing better than taking a ton of dough from your ex-boss at a poker game.

                                                      3. That is a terrible experience and I feel for you. I would also be done with throwing parties for these workmates.
                                                        But... it does remind me somewhat of the time no one called my friend on her 30th birthday (none of her close friends or relatives). Of course we all felt terrible once she reminded us, but it's not like we all co-ordinated our lack of effort. A bunch of individual decisions led to a magnified effect, that of course was very upsetting to our friend but was not at all intentional. If I had known no one else was going to call, of course I would have made more effort (despite the fact I moved that day, and found my phone was not connected at the new place).
                                                        Certainly the people who RSVP'd YES to your party and did not show should broach the topic first and apologize.

                                                        1. A heads up seems to be in order for a couple of posters on this thread: ANY invitation requires a response, not just those with "RSVP" written on them.

                                                          9 Replies
                                                          1. re: pikawicca

                                                            I don't agree, I think it is more of a sliding scale. As inviters get less formal and invitations more vague, I think that invitees can also. A "come if you can" open house or one of those stupid evites (answer yes/no/maybe) doesn't ask the invitee to rsvp. The inviter risks having a full house or an empty one. But an engraved invitation with a pre-stamped/ addressed rsvp card obviously is asking the invitee to give a firm response. I just think that you can't put the full blame on the invitee for not rsvping, the inviter also deserves some.

                                                            1. re: viperlush

                                                              And fact is even with the most formal of invitations with a postage paid response card enclosed, RSVP's are still neglected and/or inappropriate acceptances (such as adding people to the list) are made.

                                                              We are in the midst of planning daughter's wedding and I have already been made aware of many issues and instances we may run into when it comes to RSVP's. With the price per person for the reception, there is no room for extra guests and I'll have to track down any non-RSVPers, but it seems that being a good and gracious guest is more of challenge than it used to be (or maybe that's just my perception).

                                                              1. re: Janet from Richmond

                                                                We are on the same page. Small point of clarification here:

                                                                <<it seems that being a good and gracious guest is more of challenge than it used to be (or maybe that's just my perception).>>

                                                                I think actually BEING a good/gracious guest is pretty easy. The challenge lies in FINDING these people when it's time for a large gathering. Maybe this is why I'm a small circles kinda gal.

                                                                I do wish you and your daughter luck with the wedding plans and hope all the kind/wonderful people in your lives (RSVP and!) join you to make the day special. :)

                                                                1. re: kattyeyes

                                                                  Trust me, at $115-$120/person, the non responders will be tracked down.....hehehe.

                                                                  We have one friend who constantly says he is coming for parties and either cancels at the last minute or is a no show. Last time we invited him and he said yes I told him I was requiring a $20 deposit that would be refunded if he cancelled 48 hours before or attended the party and arrived on time. He laughed, but since then he has been much more considerate :-)

                                                                  1. re: Janet from Richmond

                                                                    I had a checklist for RSVPs and at a certain point, started laughing at some of the responses (everything checked? so you're coming but you're not?).

                                                                    As the event was in CA (we lived in NY at the time)

                                                                    list A: attending A,B,C, or some combination; send map and itinerary
                                                                    list B: no clue, but likely not planning to fly or drive from Chicago (or elsewhere) to northern CA;
                                                                    list C: no response; follow up if family; if not, assume not attending but send map & itinerary b/c there are extras

                                                                    Our counts had us with ~6 fewer for the rehearsal/day trip and a different ~6 fewer for the reception (in part due to one family of 6 ignoring the statement on the follow up map postcard and website which stated clearly "bring proper personal and automobile identification otherwise Homeland Security will turn you away").

                                                                    1. re: Caralien

                                                                      Yes the first step is to get the rsvp, the second to actually get the guest to show.

                                                                      My favorite from my Bro's wedding was the cousin who called another cousin to complain that she wasn't invited. My parents then issued an invite to that cousin. Cousin complains because it's too far away and she can't drive herself, so can her daughter also have an invite. My parents invite the daughter. Both rsvp yes. Neither showed up or call to apologize.

                                                                      Makes you want to start charging the no-show yes' the per person cost

                                                                2. re: Janet from Richmond

                                                                  My daughter got married last month. She was above average organized. For those she hadn't heard from by an appropriate time, actually borderline early, she had several of us check with the people who didn't respond. Worked like a charm. We had only two people not show up who had RSVP'D yes they were coming. No one came that hadn't RSVP'D. When one of my other daughters got married years ago, some didn't show up that said they were, and some showed up that didn't return an RSVP.

                                                              2. re: pikawicca

                                                                I don't agree. There are different kinds of invitations. If I'm on a mass email inviting me to a house party I feel no need to RSVP and I don't think any of the host would expect a response. These are generally informal events with some beer and liquor and very little food. Guest often bring their own beer or liquor and the host is really just providing the space for the event.

                                                                1. re: pikawicca

                                                                  I have to disagree, since I recently moved from an area where I got mass invites several times a month. Many of these were invites for 100+ people house parties, and others were for smaller restaurant events that only needed to know whether you were coming in order to reserve the right amount of seats. In neither of those cases did I feel a "no" response was merited. If I get an individual email/card/call, then I feel more inclined to respond that I will not attend, but that's not the trend in invites these days.

                                                                2. Sorry it didn't work out, it must have been upsetting. In general, if people don't rsvp, I assume they aren't coming. I normally send out a reminder email to people who haven't responded, just because I know how bad people are with rsvps. Also, and not that this is any excuse, it is possible your co-workers assumed this was a big party for lots of people you know, not just them, and that it wouldn't be a big deal if they came or not. Again, no excuse.
                                                                  Don't take it personally and don't never have a party again. If they ask how the party was just say "great, thanks, it turned out to be a small group so it was lots of fun."

                                                                  1. While I understand the hurt feelings I do think you shouldn't let this get to you too much. As KTinNYC said, Open Houses tend to be thought of as rather informal events where you just stop by. That, unfortunately, tends to make people think it's no big deal one way or another about RSVP'ing or even showing up or not. Personally, no response would translate to me as a "No" and I wouldn't have bought food for them....... at least nothing that could spoil or that I'd not know what to do with if they didn't show.

                                                                    You didn't say how many people responded for the original event. That might have been a clue as to what would happen with the re-do...... maybe not. Anyway, I'd suggest that you just try to let it pass. Maybe, if one or two of the people are particularly close to you, you could probe whether or not this is normal for the workplace, or if there was a particular reason in this case. That might help you understand.

                                                                    BTW.....here in SoCal, anything going on this past Sunday evening would have been impacted by the Lakers game on TV. It isn't polite, but that's the way people are. In my business, too, we've done gatherings for online social groups where the invite requests 'yes', 'no' or 'maybe'. It was normal for half the 'yes' responses to be no-shows.

                                                                    1. I'm sorry this happened to you. I have learned from a past fiasco that was similar to your situation to always translate a "maybe" or anything that is not definitively a yes as a "no".

                                                                      1. Hi CC,
                                                                        I know your feelings are hurt and you are disappointed by the behaviour of you co-workers. I think if someone asks you about the party, you should keep it short-just say you guys had a nice time. Sadly, manners and etiquette have fallen to the side these days and they probably don't even think what they did was rude. You don't want to get into work place drama or foster any hostility there. Kick back, have a drink, and just chalk that one up!!

                                                                        1. Ms Common Courtesy says if you get an invitation, RSVP or no, you respond. If you don't respond and go, don't expect to be fed.
                                                                          Bottom line: how would you feel if it was your party and this happened? The responsibility is with the invitee, period. Anything else is just plain gross and uncivil.

                                                                          1. just a thought but did you go round your coworkers on Thursday and Friday reminding them and asking for a final headcount?

                                                                            7 Replies
                                                                            1. re: smartie

                                                                              Hi everyone - I thought I would give you all an update of how things went at work today with those invitees who didn't show, and how I handled the comments. The first woman was apologetic and said she ended up in another town for the day, didn't have my number and couldn't get in touch to let me know she wouldn't make it. She said she was sorry she missed it. I said, "Me too." And that was that. The second person came in (my supervisor who asked if she could bring a date) and said ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about why she wasn't there, sorry she missed it, why she missed it, or asked how it was. It was if she completely forgot that I even had a party. I didn't bring it up with her. The next person from across the hall in another office came over in the morning and apologized for missing it. She said she was sick all weekend and was sorry she missed the party. I said, "Me too. Are you feeling better now?" She said yes and that was that. The next woman came over a couple hours into the work day and hung her head like a whipped puppy. She pouted and kept looking at me, then looking down. Finally she said she was sorry she missed the party. Her excuse was "I forgot. I woke up Sunday morning and thought 'oh no, I missed the party." I was gracious, smiled and said, "yes you did." She said perhaps I will invite her over another time to see my new place. I just smiled.

                                                                              The rest of the people who didn't show or didn't RSVP either said nothing at all, or I didn't see some of them today. We work in a fairly large building and are scattered around.

                                                                              I did learn from one of the women who did come that this wasn't unusual behavior for these particular people. Other parties have been thrown and only 5 people showed up. It seems to be a pattern, and a lesson learned for me.

                                                                              1. re: coastalconfessions

                                                                                PS - the seniors loved the goodies I took to them this morning. It was worth every penny spent to see the smiles on their faces when I delivered the food. One of my invited guests who wasn't able to make it and was kind enough to let me know ahead of time asked me about the party. In our short discussion he asked what I did with the leftovers and if I needed help eating them. I told him I took them to the Senior Center and they were thrilled. He liked that.

                                                                                1. re: coastalconfessions

                                                                                  It sounds like you learned a valuable lesson about some of your co-workers and behaved graciously today as well. Taking the high road might be lonesome but when all is said and done, it is the best route.

                                                                                  For $250, or 68 cents a day for one year, you have learned that business and pleasure do not mix well in your particular office. That might turn out to be money well-spent. Now you need never feel guilted into contributing some extra $$$ for the birthday/wedding/or other celebrations that are bound to roll around. Smile nicely and hold your ground; that high ground you've already staked out. Forgive and go forward.

                                                                                  1. re: coastalconfessions

                                                                                    My goodness. You handled yourself very well. Congratulations! Chalk it all up as a lesson learned. I'm sitting here and am going to have a drink and raise it to you. With whatever you drink, please do the same. Forgive the three that came by and apologized - give each a chance to be a friend and each one more invitation. But not more unless things improve.

                                                                                    1. re: Sam Fujisaka

                                                                                      With the exception of the supervisor.....my senses are the no-shows seemed either honest, sincere or apologetic in their responses to the OP, by her own words. I would forgive them myself.....

                                                                                    2. re: coastalconfessions

                                                                                      I think you handled it beautifully, cc. And even better that the seniors enjoyed their goodies!

                                                                                      1. re: coastalconfessions

                                                                                        the old passive voice ...

                                                                                        >The first woman was apologetic and said she ended up in another town ...
                                                                                        >
                                                                                        "oh, were you kidnapped, or was it a tornado?"

                                                                                    3. Not to reiterate too much to bore those reading, but certainly brush this experience off, and from this day forward pay special attention to the party's actual attendees. They should be your *favorites* at work now. These are the people who you should buy girl scout cookies from, buy raffles from, give generous wedding gifts to, and always greet with a smile. As for the inconsiderate and subhuman others who didn't even have the decency to RSVP, to those I say just fart in their general direction. {and smile} ... : )

                                                                                      1. Wow, this past Friday something very similar happened to me! It still feels terrible. My workplace is informal and we have fun talking and there isnt much pressure. I like the people, am close to some, and I wanted to throw a casuall house warming, no gift, get together party. people were excited for a couple weeks then slowly canceled one by one. Four maybes didnt show up. the 3 that did come i had a great time with. I just kept searching for a reason why this happened. I really don't think it is me, but then 'what else would it be?' is what i think. everyone seemed to want to come, and asked if i can do it another day....they also seemed apologetic without pitying me. The following day of the people who were there i just told them that i had a fun time and it was small gathering and i smiled. After thinking about it and the people, and realizing that it probably is not personal, i decided to give it another go and invite the same people in 2 weeks. I am afraid of people foolish, but then i realize that they mostly like me and that the only reason i shouldnt try again would be if it was too expensive or if i felt like they wouldnt respect me at all. So if you want I would love to tell you how it turns out. Im still hurt though! As for you, it seems that you really wanted to try and make friends or have or good relationships at work or all three which is great. Workplaces are all different; it seems like there are more people at yours and it is less intimate a bit than mine--so while I would not take it personally, I would also only give certain people another chance and just maybe try something one more time? I would think a lot of someone who tried again, even if a similar result happened. Maybe I'm not so much help with what to do, but I find that knowing people in the same boat is often the most helpful emotionally :)

                                                                                        1. I think after hosting many parties of every type. I think the biggest problem is the word "Open House." I think people hear the term open house and even though an invitation said RSVP, they don't take it seriously. I see RSVP, and I will RSVP. But from throwing and open house myself to helping friends throw them, open houses seems to give people an out for now showing. For some reason people think ..." I'ts not like no one else will be there ... or it's not like they are counting on us ... they will understand that we got busy ..." There are many people that don't realize throwing an open house takes just as much time, planning and work to put together.

                                                                                          I completely understand your frustration, but next time if you want to still be friends with those co workers. Have them over for a casual BBQ, less cost, simple and see if they come. Have each person bring something. I did this with people from work a few years ago and had 1 person bring burgers for all, Another brought a flank steak marinaded, one brought the buns, lettuce, tomato, etc, and condiments, 1 brought a fresh green salad and bread. I had made some appetizers and another salad, etc. Not my favorite type of party but I think it made my co workers feel comfortable. It actually was a lot of fun and wasn't stressful.

                                                                                          My first party turned out similar to yours, but this was a set time and worked much better. I held several other parties with co workers and they were all like the above. I would rather cook everything myself but ... this seemed to work.

                                                                                          Maybe give them another shot and try another type of strategy.

                                                                                          8 Replies
                                                                                          1. re: kchurchill5

                                                                                            I've gained some insight by reading everyone's input and there are some key things that I will take from this experience. First and foremost, these are co-workers and not my friends. Unfortunately for me, I'm fairly new to this area and these are the only people I know so far. I'm popular with all of them and we get along great at work; but that's where the line is drawn by them. I know of a couple who have openly stated that they aren't there to make friends. They have friends and family. They spend 40 hours a week with co-workers, so those are the last people they want to spend their off time with.

                                                                                            There won't be another shot at a party. You know the saying: burn me once... It's pretty hard not to take it personally when someone tells you "I forgot." What that translates to is "you aren't important enough for me to remember or think about after 5pm and on weekends." I'm just surprised that they chose to tell me the stinging truth about forgetting me instead of telling a little white lie to spare my feelings.

                                                                                            What hurts the most is that the few people I did consider friends and work the closest with everyday -- the ones who told me they would be there, didn't show up or bother to call to tell me they couldn't make it. One of those is my supervisor, who not only chose not to come, but chose not to even say she was sorry for not coming and simply swept it under the rug like there was no party at all. I learned late last night that she didn't forget; she just found other things to do with other people that she enjoyed more.

                                                                                            My lesson in this is to keep my work separate from my personal life and try to find friends who have the same interests I have after 5pm.

                                                                                            1. re: coastalconfessions

                                                                                              coastal, you hang in there, gal! just go and do things that you like to do! you'll find people to be friends with, and you'll be surprised how soon it'll happen.

                                                                                              but...do go and get a kitten or adult cat from a rescue organization or the pound. you'll feel like you have a real friend right away! (and you will!). (plus, the rescue and pound volunteers are nice folks!)

                                                                                              ps, we chowhounds are pretty fun, too. stay on the boards. you might meet chow-ish people locally in participating in or setting up chowdowns via chowhound. what town are you in? maybe we can connect you in!

                                                                                              pps, that senior center where you took the food, you can make a **world of difference** in **being** a friend to some of the lonely seniors there. you'd be amazed to learn about the fascinating lives of many of these people. plus, so many are just sweet, and will appreciate you so very much. you feel great, because you're not focusing inward, and you're bringing them some tremendously revitalizing sunshine into their otherwise (likely) uneventful lives. that is a win-win situation, trust me.

                                                                                              1. re: coastalconfessions

                                                                                                Friendship is earned, not hired.

                                                                                                I do hope you will have the chance to develop some true friendships with some of the people you meet at work. One has to try to keep an open heart. Hard to do when something like this happens to you, I know. But you never know who will turn into a good friend. You just have to keep looking for the signs of someone who will earn your friendship, the key word being "earn".

                                                                                                I do feel your pain. But every time you feel upset or angry about this event, try to remember the happy faces of the seniors. Focus on the good, forget the bad, it will be better for your soul. And remember, you aren't alone, the CHs are on your side.

                                                                                                1. re: moh

                                                                                                  Sorry this happened to you.

                                                                                                  In the 90s, I used to socialize with co-workers all the time and went into jobs assuming some people would turn into actual friends-- and they did. Things have changed. These days you may be watching a good percentage of those friends being walked out next week, or you may be leaving. To feel a sense of loyalty to a job, and get too involved with the people, is to invite heartbreak. Even if you're not in an industry that's tanking now, people just don't feel the same way about their jobs

                                                                                                  Plus, the words "open house" probably make some people feel like it's not as important if they show. Not saying it's your fault; from responses on this board it it clear that some people act this way all the time.

                                                                                                  1. re: bibi rose

                                                                                                    I don't necessarily think it has to do with times changing. I think it has to do on the demographics of a workplace. If you have a workplace where people tend to have families or other obligations outside of work, coworkers aren't going to want to spend time outside of work socializing with each other on a regular basis. I think people are more likely to develop friendships with people who are in the same stage of life as well. If you're working in a place where you're the only single among people who have families, it's not going to be an easy sell to socalize.

                                                                                                2. re: coastalconfessions

                                                                                                  I think your last point is, indeed, a good lesson. Personally, I think you need to move on or you're going to get too bitter and it's going to poison your relationships with your co-workers, any of whom could be reading this thread.

                                                                                                  ~TDQ

                                                                                                  1. re: coastalconfessions

                                                                                                    cc-- don't feel bad about your work supervisor not saying sorry about not coming to your party. she probably *is* sorry, but she thinks that telling you so/begging your forgiveness would disrupt the power dynamic at work, since you and she are in different positions within the company. so she's pretending nothing happened at all. it isn't personal, no matter what she did decide to do that evening. don't let bitterness ruin your work relationship with your boss-- she just may be one of those people who are fine at work and flaky when it gets more personal. . .
                                                                                                    :) hang in there and do find some cool friends outside of work. book clubs are great, or, better yet, you could organize a local chowdown and meet people who like all the great food in your own area!

                                                                                                    1. re: soupkitten

                                                                                                      great idea re: chowdown

                                                                                                3. I see that this is your first post. I suggest that you start posting on your local board -- you might find some very nice folks with similar interests right in your neighborhood.

                                                                                                  1. open house implies a casual party - stop by or don't.... despite the request for an rsvp

                                                                                                    1. RSVP has become a totally lost art. What I usually do is to actually ask again, and again, and again, those who did not reply the first time.

                                                                                                      The three who said they'd come but did not show up, I'd sabotage their projects so they get fired. (Just kidding.)

                                                                                                      24 Replies
                                                                                                      1. re: PeterL

                                                                                                        RSVP has become a totally lost art.
                                                                                                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                                                                                        Let's not forget *Thank You* notes as well.

                                                                                                        1. re: fourunder

                                                                                                          Yup, just I mailed my rsvp for a 8/09 wedding and I'm still waiting for a thank you from the 5/08 wedding I attended.

                                                                                                          1. re: fourunder

                                                                                                            I agree on both points. I took my thank you cards to work today.

                                                                                                            1. re: coastalconfessions

                                                                                                              CC, if nothing else you at least know who the flakes are and who actually keeps their word. No shows, "I forgot," or I found someting else better to do are a part of life, unfortunately. I have a couple of co-workers who have turned out to be good friends, but like everyone else has stated, it is best to leave work at work. I hope you find some cool, new friends who won't leave you hanging. Where are you, btw? You might check out the Hands On network or Habitat for Humanity. Good luck!

                                                                                                              1. re: Luvfriedokra

                                                                                                                I'm in Newport, Oregon on the Central Coast.

                                                                                                                1. re: coastalconfessions

                                                                                                                  My goodness! I went to grad school at U of O and may someday "retire" to a place I have on Wallowa Lake. Are you from Oregon? And what is the general type of work that your company does? It was a bit of a shock moving to Oregon. Someone asked my first wife if "Fujisaka" was Finnish (albeit she looked like she could be Scandinavian).

                                                                                                                  1. re: coastalconfessions

                                                                                                                    I'm in Portland. I just had a party. Sent out emails and didn't even bother asking for an RSVP, knowing what slouches most are about that these days. I made an educated guess/calculation as to how many would show, and was pretty accurate.
                                                                                                                    No fuss no muss!

                                                                                                                    And I agree with the others: they are not your friends. They were just being "nice" (their misguided idea of) by acting all "excited" about the event.

                                                                                                                    1. re: Leonardo

                                                                                                                      Here's another new twist to the equation: two of the no-shows asked me today if they can just drop by sometime when they're in the area so they can see my new place. In other words, it would be at the time of their choosing when it's convenient for them, and I would have no idea when that time might be. I told them I don't like being dropped in on and they should call me first. They both seemed to accept that; but am I off base on the belief that what they suggested is selfish and inconsiderate?

                                                                                                                      1. re: coastalconfessions

                                                                                                                        More and more the whole theme here seems to have been kicked off by what an 'open house' means to different people. I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that you might be from a larger city. If I recall Newport, OR is a pretty laid back place. And VERY small. The kind of place where people don't lock their doors and folks just drop by?? I think you need to find a way to let go of this issue that seems to be taking on a life of its own.

                                                                                                                        It's one thing to answer "Sure you can drop by, but I'd appreciate a call first" and quite another to say "I don't like being dropped in on". Big difference in tone possible.

                                                                                                                        1. re: coastalconfessions

                                                                                                                          Not at all. Since they seem selfish and inconsiderate, I wouldn't expect that they'd take you up on your offer to have them come by if they call first. Should they call and ask to come over, I personally would be sure to have an urgent task, invented if necessary, that required me to be away when they planned to visit.

                                                                                                                          I applaud your taking treats to the seniors! How nice! You deserve better than you've gotten from your co-workers. I like the OPs idea of hanging around your local CH board and finding some nice folks that way.
                                                                                                                          Best of luck to you!

                                                                                                                          1. re: coastalconfessions

                                                                                                                            Do you think this may be an olive branch?

                                                                                                                            Why think the worst?

                                                                                                                    2. re: coastalconfessions

                                                                                                                      coastal, YOU don't need the thank you notes. at least not yet. i think fourunder was talking about "thank you notes being a lost art."

                                                                                                                      ~~~~~
                                                                                                                      the oregon coastal council for the arts looks very promising http://discovernewport.com/index.php/...
                                                                                                                      as a place to volunteer and meet (possible) other chowhounds: http://www.coastarts.org/home.cfm?dir...

                                                                                                                      birdwatchers like to eat: http://www.oregoncoastbirding.com/
                                                                                                                      surfers and kayakers definitely like to eat: http://discovernewport.com/index.php/...
                                                                                                                      hikers, too: http://discovernewport.com/index.php/...

                                                                                                                      i see lots of things i'd do here, including the july 4 clambake and fireworks! http://discovernewport.com/index.php/...
                                                                                                                      and the "tuna classic" event with BBQ on july 19! this looks like a heckuva good cause and lots of fun (including fun with FOOD!) "It all started in 2005 when a small group of fisherman joined together to steer their passion for fishing to a cause that would help feed the hungry. What culminated from this idea was the first Oregon Tuna Classic. Over the years others have recognized this cause and have joined to help create what the OTC is today. Each year the tournament has seen exponential growth. The cash contribution to the Oregon Food Bank has nearly doubled from year-to-year." http://www.oregontunaclassic.org/

                                                                                                                      there's lots of beauty to see in your neck of the woods (awesome beaches!). get out and meet people who like the same things you do. they generally like to eat! ;-).

                                                                                                                      1. re: alkapal

                                                                                                                        alkapal.

                                                                                                                        Yes, you are correct. I was speaking in general terms.....In CC's case there were no gifts, but any acknowledgment from her to her guests who attended would be a nice gesture at the very least.

                                                                                                                        The three most offending instances of proper etiquette of the "thank you note" in my opinion are:

                                                                                                                        Wedding gifts
                                                                                                                        Shower Gifts
                                                                                                                        Gifts to children...especially from elder family members

                                                                                                                        1. re: fourunder

                                                                                                                          yes, indeed!

                                                                                                                        2. re: alkapal

                                                                                                                          Three of the four guests who came brought me a gift for my new home, even though the instructions were 'no gifts please.' I'm very grateful for their thoughtfulness and their generosity; so my thank you notes went to them. I didn't mean to give the impression that I sent thank you notes just for showing up. LOL

                                                                                                                          1. re: coastalconfessions

                                                                                                                            ok, i see! that *would* be funny, wouldn't it? talk about "sending a message"! LOL.

                                                                                                                          2. re: alkapal

                                                                                                                            That really is fabulous of you to research this for CC. I love these boards because so often you see people helping people.

                                                                                                                            1. re: ScarlettNola

                                                                                                                              scarlett, that's sweet of you to say. i like to help people. i also find that when i do research on a little topic like that, i expand my world, too! it happens with food questions, and even -- as you can see in this instance -- geography and nature.

                                                                                                                            2. re: alkapal

                                                                                                                              Thank you for all of the info. I've been in the area for two years, but the only people I know are the ones I work with. My old neighbors never spoke to me. My new neighbors are friendly, but have their own life and family. It takes me a while to put myself out there on my own and try to find friends; so work has always been where I found most of my friends in the past. Attending events on my own gets to be very depressing after a while, so I go through phases of avoiding life outside of work and tend to stay to myself.

                                                                                                                              1. re: coastalconfessions

                                                                                                                                i've found that volunteering at organizations is pretty approachable -- not a lot of social stress, because your interactions are not (necessarily or primarily) about you, but what you're doing in the organization. e.g., organizing a fundraiser, helping at the hospice thrift store, volunteering at the animal shelter....

                                                                                                                                1. re: coastalconfessions

                                                                                                                                  Another great option if you they are available in your area is www.meetup.com (not a dating website : ) I found my book club on this site and have been meeting them for a year and found a few great friends that way. There are also food groups on this site as well as many interests you may have.

                                                                                                                            3. re: fourunder

                                                                                                                              You got that right, yet m&m jfood send thank you notes almost every sunday morning to people who might have entertained them at their homes over the weekend.

                                                                                                                              1. re: jfood

                                                                                                                                jfood,

                                                                                                                                It's my sincere belief if everyone practiced and returned thank you notes when appropriate.......the USPS would not be in it's predicament today......

                                                                                                                                Kudos to you and the Mrs. for doing your part to them afloat....

                                                                                                                                1. re: jfood

                                                                                                                                  I can count a few nieces and nephews of voting age who, for lack of a quick note and a postage stamp, and whose slothfulness trumped sound parental advice, have received their last gift from uncle Veggo. Rather shortsighted....

                                                                                                                            4. you know, I'm totally done with parties for just this reason...people don't take the rsvp seriously anymore

                                                                                                                              I've had it happen with an open house and a crawfish boil...the open house I didn't mind so much but the boil was disasterous...75 lbs of seafood with about 15 guests...after 40 said they would attend

                                                                                                                              it's only informal get togethers for us anymore- less stress, expense and less hard feelings

                                                                                                                              1. Folks, it seems like this discussion has run its course, and is now getting pretty far afield even for Not About Food. We're going to lock it.