623245 Thu May 28 09:47:53 -0700 2009 104 29 Not About Food 0 4721979 This stemmed basically from the "Rude guests bringing wine - should I have served it? " thread. I host or have many different get togethers, from casual cook outs, a more sophisticated cook out, a nice dinner party, a very elegant holiday meal to a pot luck. Small groups and large groups. ------------------------- DO's - I never ask anyone to bring anything. But if they insist , I usually just wine or maybe something else we would drink with dinner that night. - I also make it point to know and to ask what my guests enjoy. Red/white wine, seafood or not, veggies, vegetarian, allergies, likes and dislikes. It just makes life so much easier. And most people would not be offended. - I also try to make it very comfortable for my guests. - Dinner is for them, not to show off. I try to make everything enjoyable. If they like sports, the TV with a game will be on, music ... then music. In FL regardless of the heat some like outside, some in. I turn the air up and leave the doors open so no one feels closed off. Wasting air but everyone feels free to mingle and not feel isolated. - Now formal dinners a bit different, but the same rules apply, we may all sit down together and eat together inside at a nice setting. But again, I take in that some people don't drink so they don't have a wine glass. I try to customize everything. - If someone brings something, put it out and let people choose. To me it is out of respect. DON'T - I never not acknowledge what someone else brings, it goes out with everything - Even if duplicate dishes like 2 pastas, they both go out, don't keep one inside, it may insult the guest - If a guest wants to help grill let him, but I was always there making sure just it case he couldn't grill to save his life. - I always compliment my guests dish no matter what. And if I went to their house same goes - You should no your guests, so don't intimidate them and make them feel like they can't set a glass down or they can't enjoy themselves. I have gone to some formal parties where I felt like if I talked to loud or set my plate down where I shouldn't someone would yell at me. It should be a relaxing environment. - Always let people serve them selves. Other than putting a grilled steak on the plate, I always let people take what they want. --------------------------- Well I may be wrong, but most importantly the party or dinner is for my guests and not me. So whatever it takes I do to make them feel comfortable and enjoy the time. So what are your DO's and DON'ts?? Thu May 28 09:47:53 -0700 2009 232829 kchurchill5 1 4723270 Well said. I agree completely. Get togethers are about enjoying one another's company, not about worrying about what the "rules" are. Thu May 28 16:18:30 -0700 2009 4721979 137495 dagwood 2 4723624 Thank you!! I just think that sometimes hosts get too involved and it is more about them. And I too, love to with a formal dinner have everything perfect, but I have to step back and remember it is for them ... not me and then accept the store bought pie, the store bought cookies and I serve them right next to mine. It makes the guest feel comfortable, eases tension and just makes life easier. If their kids come and eat only hot dogs. I will have hot dogs whether I agree or not. Thx for the support Thu May 28 18:29:01 -0700 2009 4723270 232829 kchurchill5 1 4723663 I disagree. Two years ago, we invited 6 couples to join us for Thanksgiving. Everyone asked what they could bring, and I said, "Thank you, nothing." One couple showed up with a supermarket pie. I sliced it and put it out along with my 3 homemade pies, but no one took a slice. This was really embarrassing, for me and the contributing guests. This is not a good thing. Thu May 28 18:44:26 -0700 2009 4721979 11995 pikawicca 1 4723764 A worthwhile topic, K. For the 1st 3rd of a party, I am often concerned for what could be the awkwardness felt by the first arrivals, so I want to be sure to take the time to fix them a drink and have an horsey durvy ready, and show them around. It gets easier when the second set of guests arrive and after introductions, I expect they will set a conversational pace between themselves and the next arrivals. Even with larger parties and a parking attendant, somebody is first and I count on them to help with the social flux. The 2nd 3rd is always on cruise control. But I do have 2 tables and a few rooms that are out of bounds for red wine, never a problem explaining house rules. The 3rd third is cleanup and hastening the departure of intoxicated guests, sometimes encouraging a little sleepy time in the lanai. Thus far, a few spills, a little broken glass, no E.R. visits, in 4 years in Florida. The prior 52 years included way too much involvement with the law, but only 30 were my fault. Thu May 28 19:31:17 -0700 2009 4721979 57170 Veggo 2 4724351 Love the party rules :) Can I come to the next one? Fri May 29 05:02:31 -0700 2009 4723764 232829 kchurchill5 2 4730398 what the heck is a horsey durvy? (tried to google it and got this post...) Sun May 31 13:26:27 -0700 2009 4723764 10158 susancinsf 3 4730403 hors d'ouevres, I suspect Sun May 31 13:28:14 -0700 2009 4730398 11995 pikawicca 4 4730409 Absolutely Sun May 31 13:30:01 -0700 2009 4730403 232829 kchurchill5 5 4730783 got it. I am a bit slow today. need that drink I guess. Sun May 31 16:28:04 -0700 2009 4730409 10158 susancinsf 1 4725578 I disagree on always letting people serve themselves. Sometimes plating is the way to go, depending on the type of party and what everyone who is attending the party is comfortable with, as well as what is being served. As for letting someone put a glass down - if it's going to sweat and ruin an antique table with a water mark, I won't just let it sit there. I will offer a coaster if they haven't asked for one themselves or quietly tuck it under their glass. As for the TV - if it's a football gathering on a fall afternoon, the TV should definitely be on...that's the purpose of the gathering. But if it's a dinner party for 8? The TV shouldn't even enter the picture during the time people are dining, IMO. And even after - the purpose is for everyone to enjoy each other's company, as dagwood said - not to be watching TV at someone else's house. Fri May 29 11:42:05 -0700 2009 4721979 10532 LindaWhit 2 4725662 Depends on the crowd. Serving themselves I found is so much easier, even with a formal dinner unless a grilled steak or an individual portion I grilled. I always do that. It works soo much better. A glass down. I always have coasters out and plenty, if I see a glass not on a coaster, I just walk by and quietly put a coaster under it. Most people never care and never know. But honestly, I don't care. Life is just to short to worry about that. I may not like it but there are way many more things in life to worry about.. TV again, for a formal party, we watched a final playoff game. Of course TV was on. Depends on the crowd. Formal or not, what do the guests want, not you. If your guests want TV why not. Last time after dinner we all watched the Italian Job on TV. We all loved it. critiqued it, had a blast and we all talked and had a wonderful time. Isn't that what it is all about ... just having fun together. If a TV show makes for a fun time ... what is wrong with it. It depends on the guests. As I said. Cater to your guests, not what you want!! Remember to make them have fun not to make the host just feel good. Fri May 29 12:05:24 -0700 2009 4725578 232829 kchurchill5 3 4725759 While certainly I want my guests to enjoy themselves, there are also certain things that I would be rather taken aback about were a guest to do them, such as ask to watch television while at a meal at my house. (Perhaps moot, since my TV is in the bedroom.) I know this is extreme, but if a guest asked to eat his meal in the bathroom, would you be comfortable with that? Just as there are "rules" for hosts, there are "rules" for guests, and I find that the best parties are those in which each conforms to them with respect to at least the very basic ones. I give people glasses with a linen cocktail napkin underneath, and make sure each guest has a place to put their glass down in the living room. And, unless a guest has offered to bring something and I've accepted that offer (only with very close friends - usually a dessert or something to nibble on before dinner), I never feel obliged to put out what has been brought. Frankly, I think that can lead to an uncomfortable situation - either my guests don't enjoy what the other person brought, preferring my dessert, or vice versa. Most of the time now I do serve food "family style" and pass the serving dishes around the table - my kitchen is very small, and I find that that kind of food is easier for me to prepare etc. Though - usually we pass the plates to my husband, and he is responsible for putting the protein on, and then we pass the side dishes. Don't really have room on my counters to plate for more than two people, though, when I aspired to fancier dinners, I would plate every course etc. Fri May 29 12:43:56 -0700 2009 4725662 10985 MMRuth 3 4725783 What if guests want different things? At a dinner not expressly for the purpose of watching football or the Oscars or such, one guest does not want to miss "Desperate Housewives," but all the other guests want just to enjoy conversation with one another. Maybe these other guests speak up against having the TV on. Maybe they don't speak up but do not say anything in favor of having the TV on. Don't I as hostess have an obligation to all the guests, not just to the one who wants the TV on? What if the numbers are reversed, with only one guest wanting the TV off? I think in situations such as this I have the obligation to direct the party. There's a judgment call to be made. No matter what the numbers are, I would decide to have the TV off so long as even one guest wanted the TV off. I was once held captive after dinner for two hours in front of a TV screen on which the host was playing a video of a movie I had seen before. No warning that this would be a video night. Guests were given two movies to choose between, by majority rule. I was on the losing side. I guess I should have left, but this was right after dinner, and I think it is rude to eat and run. Leaving during the movie would have been odd. Fri May 29 12:48:45 -0700 2009 4725662 39701 browniebaker 4 4725808 "I think in situations such as this I have the obligation to direct the party." You put that very well, and that was a point I meant to make in my ridiculously rambling post. The host sets the tone with the invitation. "I'd like to invite you for dinner and to watch the game" - then, as a guest, I would expect for the game to be on. "I'd like to invite you to dinner - I'm making fried chicken, coleslaw and biscuits, very casual, you are welcome to bring your children. And why don't you come at six, since my husband has to get up so early for work on Monday." That suggests one kind of evening. "Would you like to come to dinner Saturday night, no children please this time" suggests another. If I send out a written invitation (which, to be honest, I rarely do), I would expect my guests to consider it a more formal gathering than that indicated by a last minute phone call to a neighbor who lives down the street. Fri May 29 12:56:51 -0700 2009 4725783 10985 MMRuth 5 4725835 The host sets the tone with the invitation. ~~~~~~~~~~ Bingo. Fri May 29 13:03:13 -0700 2009 4725808 10532 LindaWhit 5 4725992 That is when the host decides if the majority of the people want to watch the game I put the game on. Which game, ok I give the remote to those sitting in front of the tv. Mine happens to be in the family room adjacent to the kitchen, etc. Let them fight it out. During dinner. Again depends on the crowd. Lots of people may be scattered, some outside some in, some table, some bar. TV after, only if we all decide. If everyone goes yeah that sounds good or at least most of us. Great idea. Simple solution. It all depends on the type of gathering and the guests you are inviting. What they like, what type of dinner and what the type of evening you plan. But more importantly, what do they like. And my basic thought is the evening is planned around what they like and enjoy. It is their evening out so I try to make something they enjoy. If they like football I plan an evening around a game but I don't have to tell them, they already know that. If I plan an evening around my boss's family, it would be stuffy music, no tv, boring, formal and riigd and would hate every minute of it. lol But i would do it. I never say no children, As a mother I just don't unless New Years Eve very late party, but even then I said if you want no problem. I understand being a parent what it is like. I never fault anyone for bringing a child to a party. Not a problem to me. The invitation can me many things, and if the host knows the guest there never should be a problem. It is up to the host to know the guest to and know what to expect. Fri May 29 13:49:15 -0700 2009 4725808 232829 kchurchill5 6 4734782 I am curious about letting children come to adult parties. You say you never say no kids, unless it's New Year's Eve. What if only one person invited has children? Does majority rule in this case as it does with football? Or are children a different case? I'm not trying to be difficult, really, but kids change the tone of a party at least as much at the television does. Not so much a baby in a bouncy seat (I have one friend whose 7 month old attends all our parties and sleeps through even the loudest dance music.) but a group of toddlers marauding around and sticking their fingers in the dip tends to put a damper on the evening. An afternoon party sure, kids are great, or for an early kitchen supper, but a cocktail party? That's grown-up time. Tue Jun 02 01:37:52 -0700 2009 4725992 86221 lulubelle 7 4734908 We cut a couple from our regular line up because they always brought their toddler with them...our house is not child friendly and they never kept an eye on him and we had to worry about "little ears", etc. It was a drag. Tue Jun 02 05:05:55 -0700 2009 4734782 11990 Janet from Richmond 7 4734920 I have many friends with kids and many single parents. I try to never say kids are not allowed. Many times they will not bring the kids but I very rarely tell them they can't come. I have had just adult parties. I'm not saying I never do. And I do understand what you mean. Kids don't bother me at parties. And most if any that do come are well behaved. Cocktail parties, I rarely have those. Not my type of party. A cocktail party for me would be beer and drinks out on the lani, grilling some appetizers and kids in the pool. I also have learned that if my friends ask if children are invited. I throw the question back saying well so far no one else has said they are bringing their kids. Usually, kids don't come. But by all means I would rather have them come with kids and no come at all. My friends are always welcome kids or not. I'm a very easy going person who just enjoying time with friends. And my friends know that. Tue Jun 02 05:18:54 -0700 2009 4734782 232829 kchurchill5 3 4725827 Depending on what is being cooked, plating just works better for some of the dinner parties that I attend. Ribs served on polenta with a small side of vegetables. It just works better so one person isn't shorted on one thing or another. And I cannot even fathom the idea of a TV being on during a formal dinner party. Perhaps your "formal" in Florida is different from "formal" in New England. And by "formal" I'm not thinking suit/tie/dinner dress. But the party is strictly about enjoy each other's company and the food being presented - NOT a television show. And I agree with MMRuth- there are "rules" for guests as well, and watching TV when you should be conversing with your dining partners is just plain rude...unless it's that type of an affair (i.e., a SuperBowl party - but then that would almost always not be a formal party). Fri May 29 13:01:05 -0700 2009 4725662 10532 LindaWhit 4 4746837 As usual, we see eye to eye. And like MMRuth I tend to serve family style but sometimes plate and sometimes put the food out of the side board. I rarely want children there. Ours are grown and those few who still have them at home are usually grateful for a night childless. And TV??? That will never happen. We have a huge den with a big TV but to me having dinner is a separate activity from watching TV. And whoever said upthread that if even one person didn't want to watch it then it would be rude to have it on. Fri Jun 05 16:40:19 -0700 2009 4725827 131001 c oliver 5 4746876 Well, TV *did* happen at the last dinner party I attended just a few weeks ago, one in which I helped cook for. But the theme for the Dinner Club was "Quentin Tarantino", and during a break between the 2nd and main courses, we watched a bit of Pulp Fiction. But it was appropriate for the theme to remind those of us who didn't know the movie(s) as well what our courses were based on. But otherwise - again, unless it's a particular sporting event for which we're gathering, no TV. We are there to enjoy the food, the wine, the discussions, and each other's company. Fri Jun 05 16:54:37 -0700 2009 4746837 10532 LindaWhit 6 4747164 It really depends on the guests. My family and friends are all sports buffs no matter what is on and with satellite, there is always a game on. But agreed, if the guests don't like TV, don't but it on. I do it when the guest like it. MY guests are first, not me. If they want it on, it is on regardless as to how I feel. I want them happy. Never had a complaint. Fri Jun 05 19:05:00 -0700 2009 4746876 232829 kchurchill5 1 4725842 The problem with these party rules type of threads is that it so heavily depends on one's social circle - that's why there's always so much disagreement. For instance, I often see a lot of people complaining about behavior that's not only commonplace but *expected* among my friends, and vice versa. FWIW, in my social circle your 'rules' are pretty close to how things work, with the exception that no one ever feels bad about saying something like "bring a side" or otherwise make things more pot-lucky. Fri May 29 13:05:19 -0700 2009 4721979 111910 jgg13 1 4726087 I really don't give it so much thought --kind of takes away the enjoyment if I did. Here's the thing: I throw a party and invite the people I want to invite. I'll make the food I want to make taking into consideration anyone with special dietary requirements and the non-alcohol-drinkers. In terms of the TV being on or not; what music, if any, will be played; if we're going buffet style or sitting down to a more formal setting; if I will serve dishes that people bring esp. if I told them not to bring anything, that is all up to only one person: me. I set the tone, and my guests follow. And after almost 20 years of doing this, I haven't had any complaints and hope to continue to be able to throw parties well into my golden years! Fri May 29 14:17:29 -0700 2009 4721979 12045 gloriousfood 1 4727857 Good topic! I agree with many of your rules, though i can not deal with the television situation. If a guest turns on my television during a party I do not reprimand him but turn it off at the earliest gracious opportunity. I am shocked that anyone would ever think of doing this. DO's Introduce guests and get them started in conversation about mutual interests. Provide foods suitable for picky eaters and children - It pains me but ultimately hosting a party is about your guests' comfort. I will only go so far but I have some dish meant for these folks. Plan some interesting activities or events unless it is a formal dinner party. Having a few things up your sleeve like Pictionary, bocce ball or a 3 legged race keeps the party lively. Yes, I really do this. No I dont' care if you think it's hopelessly square. People love it! Serve food in ample quantities. If you do not serve more than people will eat then they will not feel comfortable helping themselves. OK a few will take the last bite without blinking but most people will not eat because there is not a sense of plenty and they don't want to embarrass the host. Keep an eye on troublesome guests. This is more of a family holiday issue but as the host you should make an effort to redirect guests before they can get into a dispute. I find that it is a lot easier to call someone into the kitchen to 'help' then to let them start a feud at the Thanksgiving table. Sat May 30 10:14:29 -0700 2009 4721979 19937 Kater 2 4727923 You know I don't necessarily agree with TV on, but I am a huge sports fanatic so if a good game is on I love TV and many of my friends are too. It really depends on the guest you have and what they like. I love the games or anything, being in FL we had the pool. jacuzzi, I always set out cards because the guys would play poker, if kids many times a board game or video game in my sons room. Anything if at the beach, frisbe, or football. People do love it. And yes I have one friend who will always eat the very last bite of everything, lol. And troublesome guests, been there!! And it is really up to the type of party that dictates a lot. I have a very formal event I am putting together for a friends upcoming wedding and am not looking forward to it. Two completely different styles. One family is one way, the other 180 degrees in the other direction. One classical, one very country, one NYC born and raised, the other TN small town in the mountains. One goes to the opera, the other races lawnmowers :) (I'd prefer the lawnmower races, sounds like more fun). And none of them like one another other than the two getting married. AREN'T I GONNA HAVE FUN making everyone happy! Sat May 30 10:54:32 -0700 2009 4727857 232829 kchurchill5 1 4728248 One rule all hosts need observe - "Never let MGZ's glass go empty!" Sat May 30 13:41:44 -0700 2009 4721979 141889 MGZ 2 4728260 NOTED!! Sat May 30 13:45:49 -0700 2009 4728248 232829 kchurchill5 1 4730864 I'm lucky. My friends and colleagues are from all over the world and have worked all over the world. Everyone respects one another, but no one takes anyone else seriously. Just about everyone is familiar with food from almost everywhere. So for my parties at my apartment (at the finca in the mountains to be covered in another installment): 1. Cook lots of good food. Usually a variety of dishes. Its expected. And I carefully plate each one (because presentation is important and MINE [f*&&^%*&*g control freak]). 2. Keep glasses filled, including with any drink brought by guests. 3. Music starts with classical (starting maybe with light but not limp chamber and possibly progressing to classic German opera), then jazz (agan following a bit of a progression) - these are just backdrops to loud often clever, more often hilarious conversation, lots of laughter, heated arguments, and rude comments by others that make fun of anyone taking themselves too seriously. This continues through dinner, where I serve courses, replate for seconds, clear, and so on... I can toss in lots of different types of music depending on the crowd. Music eventually goes onto African and as dinner winds down to Latin American dance music - salsas, sambas, mambos, ... 4. Git up and dance your ass off. 5. NO TALKING ABOUT WORK (and obviously, no TV). 6. I do the cleanup after all have gone (if still standing). Sun May 31 16:57:34 -0700 2009 4721979 36661 Sam Fujisaka 2 4732089 Sam, your parties sound the closest to our own gatherings. I'd love it there. Rules are for work. Mon Jun 01 07:43:59 -0700 2009 4730864 116513 linguafood 2 4763831 We have parties like this too. Apart from I'm not a control freak so we normally eat family style, unless I'm serving fish or something that needs to be plated. I make sure there's plenty of good food and wine, and the party usually goes with a swing. My motto - never knowingly undercatered! Thu Jun 11 11:39:52 -0700 2009 4730864 110146 greedygirl 1 4730924 "I take in that some people don't drink so they don't have a wine glass." I entertain both drinking and non-drinking guests at the same party fairly often and I would never single out the non-drinking guests by having their place settings look different from everyone else's. I'll pour any number of things--club soda, lemonade, ginger ale--into the non-drinkers' wine glasses, but wine glasses they shall have. Not putting a wine glass on the table would be akin to not bothering to give a knife to someone you know is only going to be eating the vegetarian offerings. I don't see that as being considerate, I see that as pointedly differentiating among your guests, something I certainly wouldn't want to do. Sun May 31 17:33:53 -0700 2009 4721979 11407 JoanN 2 4730990 I don't make the setting look that different but if they don't drink wine and I know that I don't give them a wine glass but make sure they have another glass and offer something I know they enjoy. My one friend loves sparkling wine (non alchol) with mango juice, so I always have her glass ready. I always make sure they all have the appropriate glasses because I know what they like and they appreciate it. They would find it odd for me to put a wine glass in front of them when they know that I know that they didn't drink. Sun May 31 18:07:30 -0700 2009 4730924 232829 kchurchill5 3 4731032 Interesting. My non-drinking friends are just the opposite. They are most comfortable when the least amount of attention is being called to the fact that they are being treated differently. It's not the glass they appreciate, it's the thought that goes into what's poured into it. Sun May 31 18:20:48 -0700 2009 4730990 11407 JoanN 2 4731017 I do the same thing - unless the non-drinkers are children, in which case I don't want to risk their knocking over my sine glasses. Sun May 31 18:15:23 -0700 2009 4730924 10985 MMRuth 3 4731044 I think all my friend in that group I would invite know one another so they know they don't drink. We have been getting together for years so expect that. I really think it has to do with the guests, they would never think they are being treated differently ... but if I put a wine glass in front of them they would think they were being treated differently. Every group and party you host is different. You need to treat them appropriately. They are all different. Sun May 31 18:24:11 -0700 2009 4731017 232829 kchurchill5 4 4731073 Agreed. I cannot drink and my friends all know it. Most of my friends give me a glass that is appropriate to what I will be drinking. I would just wonder why I was getting a wine glass put in front of me when my friends know I can't drink wine. Sun May 31 18:31:33 -0700 2009 4731044 107671 queencru 5 4731080 Yep, I always give them a pretty glass and make sure they have a cocktail that is fancy and party worthy. But thx queen, but to agree with others. you have to play it accordingly. Different groups require different attention. They all are treated differently. Sun May 31 18:35:42 -0700 2009 4731073 232829 kchurchill5 6 4731220 I just have trouble getting people to believe I can't drink (just the smell of some red wines/beers will give me an asthma attack), so it can be frustrating when I feel like people aren't taking my issue seriously. Sun May 31 19:17:17 -0700 2009 4731080 107671 queencru 7 4731253 Understand, my friend cant have beer. YEAST! People don't understand. He also has a sugar problem so white wine. He just stays away from it all. I always know what he drinks and I give him his special drink but always make his glass look festive for a party. Usually Club Soda which he can handle with a little fruit juice (in ice cubes I froze with some fresh fruit) he candle handle fresh fruit in moderation. He likes it, Others are fine with it. But is is hard. I sympathize with your frustration, Food allergies and sensitivities are always hard. I always make sure or try to if anyone has these when hosting and make them feel comfortable. That is why I don't plate, but can understand why some do. I plated one party and two of the guests didn't like vegetables and one sweet potatoes although I didn't know this. They felt really bad that they didn't eat them. So from then on I just learned to let everyone serve them selves. Sensitivities to alcohol are common and some just don't realize it. for the person it is very important and I hope that being respective of that I get brownie points. I would make you an amazing great non alcoholic drink with great fresh fruit in a glass that others would be jealous of. I try to make sure each guess is treated personally. Sun May 31 19:30:49 -0700 2009 4731220 232829 kchurchill5 3 4746853 I agree with JoanN and you. Every guest has the same glassware and sometimes even children. (I grant you it won't be a really small child or really fine crystal.) Our children enjoyed having their milk or juice in something grownup on occasion. I also almost always have water glasses on the table. (I've gotten rather addicted to Pellegrino lately). And if someone wants to bring their beer in a bottle to the table, I have coasters at the ready. Fri Jun 05 16:46:23 -0700 2009 4731017 131001 c oliver 1 4731047 I had a dinner party for ten last night. my rules: even if people offer to bring wine, make sure there is plenty to drink, both alcoholic and non. offer choices that everyone will be happy with. Be wih your guests, dont spend time cleaning when they are there. Make sure you to do introductions with people even if they have met before to make sure everyone remembers names. Sun May 31 18:24:43 -0700 2009 4721979 158016 cassoulady 1 4731838 If guests bring food unbidden, it is not served. It's for the host. And I never bring food unbidden to be served. This may be old-fashioned manners, but it was always considered profoundly rude (for reasons that have been explained ad nauseam on other threads), and still is in many (though obviously not all) circles. This tension is the reason for so many threads. Mon Jun 01 06:01:48 -0700 2009 4721979 13819 Karl S 1 4731905 All of our parties are pretty casual and often based around a particular sporting event, so the TV's will be on. Also we don't have any non-drinking friends, so we have plenty of cheer on hand. Everyone serves themselves. People sit where they want. Most of our tables have glass tops, so coasters aren't an issue. Mon Jun 01 06:35:21 -0700 2009 4721979 11990 Janet from Richmond 2 4731932 Good job!! That is my favorite party. I do have formal ones ... and do all the pretty place settings, the perfect decor and flowers, great food, but I still believe, to relax and enjoy. I let them basically set the tone for the party and love to let people be themselves. TV is fine, video games is fine, there are usually kids, sit where ever and just have fun with friends. I still have to use coasters, all antiques that I have have refinished, oak, so I'm stuck with coaster duty :) Mon Jun 01 06:45:07 -0700 2009 4731905 232829 kchurchill5 3 4731964 It's my favorite party too :-) And usually the cast of characters are such that they know to make themselves at home. Mon Jun 01 06:56:28 -0700 2009 4731932 11990 Janet from Richmond 4 4732001 I like to use my silver, good china, linens, and have a nice centerpiece when I entertain, but, while the table looks formal, the atmosphere is very relaxed, and I tell people that there is no need to dress up, etc. My husband often wears his slippers. My kitchen is so small that it's a little hard for guests to help themselves, so I always keep an eye on drink levels etc. And, while I'd love to just put out canapes etc. so that my guests can easily help themselves, my poorly trained and spoiled dog makes that impossible. Instead, I put the serving platters on higher pieces of furniture and try to pass them at intervals so that my guests don't have to get up, though they are of course welcome to do so. At the end of the day, I guess we each have our own style of entertaining, which, in part, is informed by our friends/guests and in part by our own preferences. I can't imagine using paper plates, plastic silverware and cups, paper napkins etc., but that is just my preference, and I enjoy using the table accoutrements that I've collected over the years. (And, though I do have someone once a week who helps with ironing and silver polishing etc., if I didn't, I would do it myself.)However, that has no effect on my ability to enjoy the hospitality of those whose entertaining preferences differ from mine. And, I do, as usual, agree with Karl S's assessment of unbidden food being brought, and feel no obligation to serve such food. Mon Jun 01 07:10:16 -0700 2009 4731964 10985 MMRuth 5 4732124 I use paper when an outside or a beach BBQ, but otherwise I usually bring out my waterford, spode and several other very old beautiful sets for entertaining. I have tons of very fine china but I still set the table but let everyone serve. I have my fine silver for the holidays which I hate to clean but do but only for holidays. It is a pain to clean. Most of my serving platters are very fine raku and hand throw pottery or fine china. A mix of everything and some fine glassware passed down from my grandmother and great grand mother. But when serving 42 for thanksgiving one year ... nice paper plates extra heavy ones from the local party store came in handy. Otherwise 42 plates I just didn't have. The table was set with beautiful flowers, real table clothes and real silverware, but the plates and cups were plastic and paper. Otherwise 1 week later I would of been doing dishes. 42 plates ... I think I had 42 pots it seemed. Mon Jun 01 07:58:06 -0700 2009 4732001 232829 kchurchill5 6 4746864 Wow, I could come closer to 42 dinner plates than 42 place settings of silver! The largest seated meal we've hosted was about 25 for a luncheon. Everybody had real everything (bought extra champagne flutes at WalMart!) but it definitely wasn't *fine*. Fri Jun 05 16:50:45 -0700 2009 4732124 131001 c oliver 7 4747172 I do seated meals for 30-40 all the time. Then the nice classy paper comes out and dinner becomes much more relaxed. I host very few 10-20 formal events, very few formal events. My friends and my family are not formal. We love BBQ's, lobster pots, Beach picnics, even Christmas is relaxed, buffet, my fine spode christmas set is out, waterford crystal (not for the kids) but everyone is there but still very relaxed, but last Christmas I had 4 families over for Christmas Eve so we had 36. Adults got Spode, Kids ... paper. Fri Jun 05 19:09:21 -0700 2009 4746864 232829 kchurchill5 4 4732102 I do have more formal ones, but I love when everyone can just jump in the pool, relax, help themselves, help me if they want, watch the game, do whatever. Christmas time there is always foot ball so I tv is on in 3 places and we do eat at the dining table but we all are listening to the game too. Even at 70 degrees, I turn the air on and light a small fire, a fake duraflame log just for atmosphere, hot cider, bourbon, just comfort like I grew up with. And it is so funny how even Floridians love that simple comfort type of party. Mon Jun 01 07:49:51 -0700 2009 4731964 232829 kchurchill5 5 4747446 A fire even? My. When I was first reading your entry I mistakenly read "..., hold me if they want". I choked on my sangria. Fri Jun 05 21:42:38 -0700 2009 4732102 137755 Sal Vanilla 1 4734796 I throw everything from intimate, orchestrated to the last detail dinner parties to big, crazy dance events with a DJ and 100 people on the rooftop. The event determines the DO and DON'T list. At a casual pot luck, anything goes, music is loud, the television may be on to a movie or a game, kids are welcome and people pour their own drinks (well, after the first one, I can't let go quite that much). At a dinner party however, food is plated, music is subdued, and the television is most definitely off. Yes, I want my guests to be comfortable, but at the same time, the comfort of one guest is not going to dictate the comfort of the other seven. Tue Jun 02 02:04:06 -0700 2009 4721979 86221 lulubelle 1 4734857 I try not to have rules. When we 'entertain' it's mostly friends and family, and very casual. I make it a habit of having way too much food (9 times out of 10 it's buffet style), huge variety of drinks and music in one room, big screen is on (I don't care) and maybe I'll put board games in another room for whoever. I'd love it if the kids would play OUTSIDE but they never do. I'd love it if people wouldn't pin me up against the dishwasher because they all congregate in my kitchen even though our house is huge, but they usually do. It's ok, I like having them over (in fact, I invited them!) but sometimes a small bit of control freak will pop out when someone grabs a really nice (white) dish towel to rub tomato sauce off of a spoon. Umm, no, really, I've got that. Why don't you go fix me a vodka cranberry? My rule (if you call it that) is that most of the food is done ahead and kept hot (or cold) - and please help yourself. If someone brings something it's to share, not for me to hide away in another room because it doesn't 'go' with what we are having, or it's store bought- seriously do you really skeeve it outloud and hurt your friends feelings? Suck it up, put the damn thing in a pretty dish and shove a flower in it... Last: we aren't fancy, so I won't play pretend. We are loud, food and drinks get spilled, someone usually cries- someone usually yells- it's a party. Tue Jun 02 04:15:36 -0700 2009 4721979 110426 Boccone Dolce 2 4734924 <<If someone brings something it's to share, not for me to hide away in another room because it doesn't 'go' with what we are having, or it's store bought- seriously do you really skeeve it outloud and hurt your friends feelings? Suck it up, put the damn thing in a pretty dish and shove a flower in it...>> I love that!! Tue Jun 02 05:21:23 -0700 2009 4734857 232829 kchurchill5 1 4735269 For guests who must bring something, I suggest music. The conversation gets off the food topic and they can handle a few CD's. Every party we host involves music playing at some point (all of us play instruments, sing, dance) so MUSIC seems to be the great equalizer. How about some non food suggestions for your guests? Works like a charm. Tue Jun 02 07:25:26 -0700 2009 4721979 36312 HillJ 2 4735307 My go-to item for guests to bring is ice. Its cheap, you can't have too much and whatever is left is easily disposed of. Tue Jun 02 07:37:59 -0700 2009 4735269 11990 Janet from Richmond 3 4735328 Excellent suggestion Janet! Gotta remember that one! Tue Jun 02 07:48:56 -0700 2009 4735307 36312 HillJ 2 4735345 I love your idea of bringing music, HillJ! Tue Jun 02 07:57:24 -0700 2009 4735269 127625 fern 1 4735425 kchurchill, I love your attitude toward your friends and entertaining them. Good fun and food for all. I have loosened up considerably over the years but admit I'm still not as laid back as you are. I'd like to be! Like you, I'd never not put out food someone brought that seems meant to be served. Most people I invite are well-intended, I just wouldn't want to hurt them. Not saying what others should do but to me, whether or not their actions are "correct", knowing I'm upsetting guests wouldn't sit well. HOWEVER, I'm not a gourmet cook. My meals are delicious, I hope, but simple. A friend's placing an extra dish on my table is not like Jackson Pollack coming by and flinging paint on a Rembrandt. Once my dessert was hijacked by someone who brought a huge platter of Costco cookies and something else I can't recall. I had planned to have really good locally made vanilla ice cream with red berries and homemade dark chocolate sauce. I just put it all out and that was that. It was a little bit annoying but there was no way I wouldn't have put theirs out. In the big picture, not a huge deal. We're pretty casual, in general. I like to use nice dishes and glassware, but don't care a bit what others use when we visit. Must also admit to being glad when there are some evenings sans kids so we can thoroughly misbehave. Tue Jun 02 08:21:01 -0700 2009 4721979 127625 fern 2 4735454 "A friend's placing an extra dish on my table is not like Jackson Pollack coming by and flinging paint on a Rembrandt." fern, what a gracious perspective. We're all works in progress! Tue Jun 02 08:28:29 -0700 2009 4735425 36312 HillJ 3 4735543 We all entertain differently and all have rules or expectations. Any dish brought to my house is welcome to join the table. Tue Jun 02 08:52:16 -0700 2009 4735454 232829 kchurchill5 4 4735549 Couldn't agree more kc! You've brought so much to these Boards, I can only imagne what a party at your house would be like!! Thanks for all the tips, recipes and inspiration! Tue Jun 02 08:53:55 -0700 2009 4735543 36312 HillJ 2 4735533 Hey having fun and enjoying is what it is all about. In the end. I care less what got ate or drank and yep, there might be a spill, but. Company and friendship is what matters. FYI I would of loved your ice cream and berries. And yes, when no kids and there are time we get to do whatever we want, hehehehe. Tue Jun 02 08:50:22 -0700 2009 4735425 232829 kchurchill5 1 4735465 i;m not sure i would compliment a guest on an awful dish, though i would certainly thank them for bringing it Tue Jun 02 08:31:50 -0700 2009 4721979 135229 thew 2 4735548 Well I compliment it, do I mean it ... well probably not. But I do none the less. They are great friends more than likely otherwise they wouldn't of been invited. Do I like their cooking, probably not. I will still lie and say thank you, it was great and drop it before the wine kicks in and I say too much :) Tue Jun 02 08:53:40 -0700 2009 4735465 232829 kchurchill5 1 4746481 - when people insist on bringing something the jfoods tell them wine or dessert. jfood is never upset with too much of either - the food is for enjoyment not for show, casa jfood is a house not an entry for Top Chef - Jfood does not do formal parties, the formal parties are usually charity events outside the house, more often than not it is a grill or braise event at casa jfood. - buffet or plate. jfood has done both and it sorta deends on the number and menu, but jfood does prefer plate the first and then place the food on the divider if anyone wants seconds - everyone's food is welcome at casa jfood and it gets served, don;t like it don;t eat it. - Ah the grill part, here jfood disagrees with you. Jfood is the grill person, he gets in the zone and is very anal retentive, do not upset the ying-yang mahstah grasshoppah - you forgot one...never try to control the conversation. Let the conversation flow like the wine and the food and everyone will have a great time. Fri Jun 05 14:34:41 -0700 2009 4721979 11290 jfood 2 4746533 And go ahead and pick out what you want from the mixed fruit salad! Fri Jun 05 14:52:14 -0700 2009 4746481 36661 Sam Fujisaka 3 4746611 Strawberry fields, forever..... Fri Jun 05 15:18:29 -0700 2009 4746533 57170 Veggo 3 4746762 and have you ever been to a buffet where people did not? Fri Jun 05 16:13:18 -0700 2009 4746533 11290 jfood 4 4746781 jfood, that can't be you! Someone is masquerading as you. Surly, behavior by strangers at a buffet in the US cannot be compared to the behavior of a hound's friends. Fri Jun 05 16:19:05 -0700 2009 4746762 36661 Sam Fujisaka 5 4746917 jfood is not comparing at all, sorry if that was the impression. most buffets are the epitome of bad manners. The whole theory astounds jfood. People are all aghast that maybe the waiter spits in the food, but have no problem sharing the serving utensil that someone may use immediately after visiting the washroom. double blech. jfood has seen parents do some very weird and self-centered things when it comes to their kids. whether hound or not, some parents use their kids as an excuse to do the darndest things. peace buddy Fri Jun 05 17:08:38 -0700 2009 4746781 11290 jfood 6 4747173 pools open buddy, 80-degrees. bring your suit. Fri Jun 05 19:09:35 -0700 2009 4747016 11290 jfood 7 4747218 How close to Greenwich are you? A *dip* after a wedding on 6/19 would be lovely :) Fri Jun 05 19:30:02 -0700 2009 4747173 131001 c oliver 8 4747226 jfood may be down the street hitting 18. no golf last weekend and none this weekend, he may want 36 the next 2. pulled some short ribs out of the freezer tonight. heaven on earth mom,. Fri Jun 05 19:34:01 -0700 2009 4747218 11290 jfood 9 4747240 Oh, my child, don't toy with me. I haven't had j-ribs in weeks :( My error. Our friends are in Cos Cob;the wedding will be in Rye. We're going to the US Open golf on LI. Could you bring some ribs??? Fri Jun 05 19:41:04 -0700 2009 4747226 131001 c oliver 10 4747255 cos cob is a section of greenwich Fri Jun 05 19:46:19 -0700 2009 4747240 11290 jfood 11 4747264 Yep, I know that. But we're not going to be there but Rye. And then to Cape Cod after that. So much food and so much fun. YAY. Fri Jun 05 19:49:57 -0700 2009 4747255 131001 c oliver 12 4747273 fried clam bellies in paradise. Fri Jun 05 19:52:17 -0700 2009 4747264 11290 jfood 13 4747286 If interested, check my post re Dennis/Barnstable on the Cape Cod board. Can't wait. Fri Jun 05 19:58:05 -0700 2009 4747273 131001 c oliver 14 4758144 C Oliver! Stop in Boston en route to the cape. Its too warm for cassoulet but I will make you something! Tue Jun 09 17:47:24 -0700 2009 4747286 158016 cassoulady 15 4758229 Stoppi ng in Boston when traveling by car from NYC to CC probably won't work. But YOU could come out there and cook. And I won't let you clean the kitchen. An Oliver rule. Tue Jun 09 18:20:12 -0700 2009 4758144 131001 c oliver 16 4761040 sounds good to me! Wed Jun 10 14:44:45 -0700 2009 4758229 158016 cassoulady 3 4746990 Just make sure that you use the proper sterling "strawberry picking" implement. It looks kind of like the scary escargot tong. Fri Jun 05 17:37:36 -0700 2009 4746533 11995 pikawicca 3 4752227 DAMM YOU SAM! Mon Jun 08 06:11:18 -0700 2009 4746533 19937 Kater 4 4752251 MOM! Is that you??? Mon Jun 08 06:20:40 -0700 2009 4752227 36661 Sam Fujisaka 1 4747442 And I bet everyone is happy to accept an invite at your house. Some things I do NOT do and Do DO when I am invited TO a dinner party: I never arrive over 10 minutes late and never ever ever ever early. I bring wine - they can keep it or serve it - I care not. I never bring a bouquet of flowers that need to be arranged. I do sometimes bring a vase full of something spectacular from my yard - in a vase. I never bring food unless it is requested. It irks me royally when someone brings an appetizer without consulting me first. I always bring something fun to talk about, do my homework about the other guests interests and I try to herd my husband (who would adore overstaying) out the door at a pleasant hour. I'd like to say in the OP's list - I particularly liked the air with the doors open. In florida that is a big deal and it is so rarely considered. When we are down there, we too open and air. I like the air, but the view is part of the ambiance. When I host - I try to make people feel comfortable and relaxed. i try to invite people I think will mesh - and never too many. 8 seems to be my limit. I also never let people do dishes. They can beg all they want, but NO. Help me clear - I will adore you. Help me get it to the table? Love you! Chop something or mind the broiler - I am in your debt. Fill my wine and chat with me as I work in the kitchen - you are probably my best friend. But no cleaning or dishes. Fri Jun 05 21:37:53 -0700 2009 4721979 137755 Sal Vanilla 2 4747451 Except for the environmental aspect of running AC with the door open I'm pretty much there with you. And I would add that I NEVER clean the kitchen when guests are still there. I will ALWAYS opt for pouring another glass of anything and talking until all leave. Those dishes will wait for me - my guests won't. (That's the hardest and fastest rule I have.) Fri Jun 05 21:45:09 -0700 2009 4747442 131001 c oliver 2 4758031 Sal - do you ever have stubborn guests who try to do the dishes anyway (even after my insisting 'no's' and trying to kick them out of the kitchen)? I have this problem with a couple friends and haven't found out a way to remedy it other than to stop protesting and give in. It drives me up the wall. Tue Jun 09 17:04:14 -0700 2009 4747442 12842 The Oracle 3 4758050 Once guests know that *I'M* not cleaning the kitchen (and I'm VERY adamant about that) then they play by the *house rules*. It never takes more than one dinner. And the *trained* guests educate the newbies.. Works like a charm. Tue Jun 09 17:08:46 -0700 2009 4758031 131001 c oliver 3 4758354 re: having guests clean your kitchen when you've asked them not to do it: "haven't found out a way to remedy it other than to stop protesting and give in. It drives me up the wall." This is exactly how children learn how to whine -- bother their parents enough that they relent, therefore making what they've just said ("NO") meaningless. Any child worth his/her salt will try parents. When they get really good at this - and they do when parents relent occasionally - you have relinquished your position as an authority. You have "taught" these guests that you do not mean what you say. They get to feel like heros and you're upset -- not a nice end to a dinner party. Next time, it will be up to you to re-train your helpful guests. Ask them not to clean up. When they begin to do it anyway, move the dinner party to another location or bring something else to table and DO NOT participate in the clean-up. When they've finished, tell them, in the kindest voice that you can muster, that you do not appreciate their "helping" and to please do not do this in the future. "You've interrupted the flow of our party" is the most explanation that you need give. I have legions of friends who would gladly help on every occasion, but I too, do not like to do the cleaning while we are still enjoying the evening. My house, muy rules (and I have said this more than once). Tue Jun 09 19:03:13 -0700 2009 4758031 15743 Sherri 4 4758471 You and I were clearly separated at birth :) Why is this such a problem for people? I deal with it and I'm not even as overt as you. Thanks for adding your two cents. Tue Jun 09 19:35:43 -0700 2009 4758354 131001 c oliver 4 4758967 Ha! But what do you do if it's your mom? At my b-day party a few years ago, I was informed by one of my guests that my mom was currently doing dishes in the kitchen.... where a bunch of people were hanging out. Of course I told her immediately not to bother.... good grief. Wed Jun 10 02:13:26 -0700 2009 4758354 116513 linguafood 5 4760579 If your mother wants to do the dishes, let her. She's your mother. One day you'll wish that she were still around to drive you crazy. Wed Jun 10 12:51:11 -0700 2009 4758967 11995 pikawicca 6 4762450 Oh, no doubt I'll miss her when she's gone. But clanking around dishes while my guests are trying to enjoy themselves and having a conversation in a small kitchen -- no way. Thu Jun 11 04:24:55 -0700 2009 4760579 116513 linguafood 4 4759944 Thanks for the tips - I will definitely try them out next time. It's typically one person I have this issue with (who is stubborn by nature). The last time it happened, after no one (including their spouse) could get them out of the kitchen, I left them be... I was completely exasperated that someone would have the gall to 'take over' someone else's kitchen. I've always thought "my house, my rules"... and think the added verbiage of non-appreciation will help make the point. (And here I was the one who thought I needed to lighten up!) Wed Jun 10 09:32:53 -0700 2009 4758354 12842 The Oracle 4 4759966 The other approach is to shut off the water valves in the kitchen.... Wed Jun 10 09:39:37 -0700 2009 4758354 13819 Karl S 5 4759973 LMAO. Knowing this friend, that would be the simpler approach! Wed Jun 10 09:41:42 -0700 2009 4759966 12842 The Oracle 5 4760011 No one's going to acuse YOU os P-A behavior, are they? HAHA Wed Jun 10 09:54:43 -0700 2009 4759966 131001 c oliver 5 4760202 This is the most brilliant idea! LOL Wed Jun 10 10:54:09 -0700 2009 4759966 10532 LindaWhit 5 4760390 Fabulous idea! Thanks for the laugh and food for thought. It should be noted that after sufficient training time, I no longer have the dishwashing issue. But should it ever rear its ugly head, I'll be under the sink in a heartbeat. Wed Jun 10 11:49:26 -0700 2009 4759966 15743 Sherri 3 4760532 If you are using good china and silver (especially if it is the "family" stuff), I've found it's pretty easy to suggest that, I'd just as soon be the one washing everything so I've only got myself to blame if a dish is broken or a piece of silver gets thrown out. Said the right way, the guests will conclude that they don't want to be responsible in the unlikely event that they break Aunt Clara's plates, etc ... If need be, embellish a bit about the patterns being discontinued and the details of how you ended up with Aunt Clara's cherished china. Wed Jun 10 12:39:28 -0700 2009 4758031 25595 masha 1 4752249 1) as long as your party does not need to include family, invite only polite, respectful, courteous people :-) 2) if party must include family, do the best you can. and pray. a lot. :-) Mon Jun 08 06:20:01 -0700 2009 4721979 12205 sophie fox