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Food and restaurant jokes.

As a chef, I'm always asked if I can cook vegetarian. I always reply that unfortunately I can't...because they are too stringy and you can't slice them thin enough!

What are your favorite food or industry jokes!

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  1. Two neutrons walk into a bar. "How much for a beer?" one of them asks.

    Bartender looks at them, and says "For you - no charge".

    4 Replies
    1. re: KevinB

      Two protons walk into a bar and ask `How much for a beer ? `. The bar tender says $20. One of the protons says `$20 ?. Are you sure they are that expensive ?`.

      Bartender looks at them, and says "For you - positive".

      (Sorry best I could come up with`).

      1. re: Paulustrious

        Two strings walk into a bar. The bartender says they don't serve strings. The strings walk out, and tie themselves together, then unravel their ends. They walk back in and ask for a drink, and the bartenders says "Aren't you the strings that were just in here?" They reply "No, we're afraid not"

        1. re: Niki in Dayton

          And the barman, says "Mmm, that may be OK in theory".

      2. re: KevinB

        Three guys walk into a bar (which is really stupid, because you'd think after the first one did it the other two would just walk around)!

        A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

        A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

      3. Two termites walk into a bar and yell "hey where's the bar tender?"

        1 Reply
        1. re: Hue

          HA. i laughed out loud at that.

        2. The very opening of Annie Hall, Alvy Singer, talking to the camera:

          "There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, 'Boy, the food at this place is really terrible.' The other one says, 'Yeah, I know; and such small portions.' Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly."

          http://mcslimjb.blogspot.com/

          1. A duck walks into a bar and asks, "do you have any quackers?"
            bartender looks at him and says "no". Duck walks out.
            next day, Duck walks into the same bar and asks the same bartender, "do you have any quackers?"
            bartender looks at him and says, "NO"
            next day, Duck walks in again and asks the bartender "do you have any quackers?"
            bartender throws his bar rag down in disgust and says, "NO! if you come in here one more time and ask if we have quackers, im going to nail your feet to the floor!! now get the hell out of here!"
            next day, duck walks in and the bartender sees him and says "what did I tell you!!". Duck looks at him and asks "do you have any nails?" bartender looks puzzled and says "no!?" duck then asks " do you have any quackers?"

            6 Replies
            1. re: nkeane

              Okay four bar jokes

              Rene Descartes is sitting at a bar with an empty drink. The bar tender says "want another?" Descartes says "I think not" and prompty dissapears.

              Julius Ceasar walk up to the bartender and says "Give me a martinus" the bartender says "you mean a martini" Caesar says "listen if I wanted two I would have asked for two!"

              A German walk up to the bartender and says "Two martinis mein Herr" the bartender says "Dry?" The german says "Nein, I only want two!"

              A man walk into a bat and asks the bartender "do you know how to make an Elephant Shake?" The bartender says "Well, usually I just tell them a mouse just ran by!"

              1. re: nkeane

                Same joke (duck, quackers, above jumpingmonk's) told with monkey asking about cheese was posted on CH a while back - it's also very funny with different "personnel".

                  1. re: nkeane

                    A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "What can I do for you/" The duck says, "Get this man out of my ass!"

                    1. re: therealdoctorlew

                      "This Guy", not "A man". "This Guy" is funnier.
                      (See "My Favorite Year").

                      1. re: therealdoctorlew

                        a hassid walks into a bar with a frog on his head. bartender says
                        "where did you get that??"
                        frog says "Brooklyn, they got a million of em"

                    2. Every day Paddy O'Riley comes into the same bar and orders 3 beers: 1 for himself and 2 he drinks in honor of his brothers who are back in Ireland. After doing this for many months, Paddy comes in and only orders 2 beers. The bartender, assuming the worst has happened offers his condolences on the loss of a brother. Paddy said, "No, my brothers are fine. I just gave up drinking for Lent".

                      3 Replies
                          1. re: artgirl1313

                            Stephen Colbert gave up Catholicism for lent!