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Food and restaurant jokes.

As a chef, I'm always asked if I can cook vegetarian. I always reply that unfortunately I can't...because they are too stringy and you can't slice them thin enough!

What are your favorite food or industry jokes!

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  1. Two neutrons walk into a bar. "How much for a beer?" one of them asks.

    Bartender looks at them, and says "For you - no charge".

    4 Replies
    1. re: KevinB

      Two protons walk into a bar and ask `How much for a beer ? `. The bar tender says $20. One of the protons says `$20 ?. Are you sure they are that expensive ?`.

      Bartender looks at them, and says "For you - positive".

      (Sorry best I could come up with`).

      1. re: Paulustrious

        Two strings walk into a bar. The bartender says they don't serve strings. The strings walk out, and tie themselves together, then unravel their ends. They walk back in and ask for a drink, and the bartenders says "Aren't you the strings that were just in here?" They reply "No, we're afraid not"

        1. re: Niki in Dayton

          And the barman, says "Mmm, that may be OK in theory".

      2. re: KevinB

        Three guys walk into a bar (which is really stupid, because you'd think after the first one did it the other two would just walk around)!

        A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

        A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

      3. Two termites walk into a bar and yell "hey where's the bar tender?"

        1 Reply
        1. re: Hue

          HA. i laughed out loud at that.

        2. The very opening of Annie Hall, Alvy Singer, talking to the camera:

          "There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, 'Boy, the food at this place is really terrible.' The other one says, 'Yeah, I know; and such small portions.' Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly."

          http://mcslimjb.blogspot.com/

          1. A duck walks into a bar and asks, "do you have any quackers?"
            bartender looks at him and says "no". Duck walks out.
            next day, Duck walks into the same bar and asks the same bartender, "do you have any quackers?"
            bartender looks at him and says, "NO"
            next day, Duck walks in again and asks the bartender "do you have any quackers?"
            bartender throws his bar rag down in disgust and says, "NO! if you come in here one more time and ask if we have quackers, im going to nail your feet to the floor!! now get the hell out of here!"
            next day, duck walks in and the bartender sees him and says "what did I tell you!!". Duck looks at him and asks "do you have any nails?" bartender looks puzzled and says "no!?" duck then asks " do you have any quackers?"

            6 Replies
            1. re: nkeane

              Okay four bar jokes

              Rene Descartes is sitting at a bar with an empty drink. The bar tender says "want another?" Descartes says "I think not" and prompty dissapears.

              Julius Ceasar walk up to the bartender and says "Give me a martinus" the bartender says "you mean a martini" Caesar says "listen if I wanted two I would have asked for two!"

              A German walk up to the bartender and says "Two martinis mein Herr" the bartender says "Dry?" The german says "Nein, I only want two!"

              A man walk into a bat and asks the bartender "do you know how to make an Elephant Shake?" The bartender says "Well, usually I just tell them a mouse just ran by!"

              1. re: nkeane

                Same joke (duck, quackers, above jumpingmonk's) told with monkey asking about cheese was posted on CH a while back - it's also very funny with different "personnel".

                  1. re: nkeane

                    A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "What can I do for you/" The duck says, "Get this man out of my ass!"

                    1. re: therealdoctorlew

                      "This Guy", not "A man". "This Guy" is funnier.
                      (See "My Favorite Year").

                      1. re: therealdoctorlew

                        a hassid walks into a bar with a frog on his head. bartender says
                        "where did you get that??"
                        frog says "Brooklyn, they got a million of em"

                    2. Every day Paddy O'Riley comes into the same bar and orders 3 beers: 1 for himself and 2 he drinks in honor of his brothers who are back in Ireland. After doing this for many months, Paddy comes in and only orders 2 beers. The bartender, assuming the worst has happened offers his condolences on the loss of a brother. Paddy said, "No, my brothers are fine. I just gave up drinking for Lent".

                      3 Replies
                          1. re: artgirl1313

                            Stephen Colbert gave up Catholicism for lent!

                        1. Everytime my boss was asked if he wanted to sit in smoking or non-smoking, he would reply: "It depends on what they are smoking." That always made the wait staff pause for a second.

                          1 Reply
                          1. re: bookwormchef

                            when more restaurants were smoking, that was always my favorite response!!! and the pot smoking waiters' too!

                          2. Man walks into a bar, and orders a martini. Bartender prepares it and puts it on the counter. Man stands back three feet, and stares fixedly at it for two minutes, then suddenly reaches forward, snatches the glass, and drains it all in one fluid motion. He waits two minutes, orders another, and repeats the process. This goes on for two more drinks, and the bartender can't contain himself any longer. "Say," he says, "You have a pretty unique style of drinking your martinis; is there a story behind that?".

                            "Yes" the customer replies "I had a terrible accident once."

                            "Oh? What happened?"

                            "I knocked one over with my elbow".

                            4 Replies
                            1. re: KevinB

                              There once was a chef who took pride in obtaining only the freshest, most seasonal ingredients. When the morels were up in the Midwest, off he went to the backwoods of Missouri for the freshest, the tastiest, mushrooms. When wild blueberries were ripe in the state of Maine, he was on the first plane to Portland to obtain the freshest berries. One day he received a call that the scrod were running off the Atlantic Coast. He took the first plane, and at the airport rushed to a waiting cab. "Take me," he shouted to the cab driver, "to get scrod!"
                              "Wow" replied the cab driver, "that's the first time I ever heard that request in the pluperfect subjunctive!"
                              Hey...nobody said it had to be a GOOD joke.
                              And yes, I know that there really isn't any such thing as scrod, just a term for 'small, tasty whitefish."

                              1. re: tonifi

                                Two famous chefs were competeting for a large cash prize on who could make the tasties fish dish. As the competition progressed it became obvious that both were going to tie, in fact that both were making pretty much the exact same dish. at the last momement one of the chefs put a demi-glace on his dish and won the prize. As the award was presented the losing chef was heard to say "Ah, there but for the glaze of cod go I."

                                Speaking of fish have you heard that some ancinet seaside communties used to use fish as a form of money, they were amoung the first people to use credit cods.

                                (this one acually happened to me)
                                Two people were stiing down to a meal of fish which one of them has caugt that morning in the pond in his backyard. said one to the other "This is pretty good fish" sed the second (the one who had caught them) "It's crappie" Said the first "well if you don't like it I'll be glad to finish it!"

                                Whats the difference between Italian blue cheese and saying hellow to Medusa and her sisters on a vactaion in Spain
                                one is gorgonzola and the other is "Hola, gorgons!"

                                One upon a time there lived in france a man an his wife who made thier living by selling onions. The man and his wife were poor for, while those who did buy from them averred they sold the finest onions to be had in all of France, relitively few knew of thier product. To correct this fact the man wife in a spark of cleverness, came up with an intriging idea. She took one of her dresses, and by long work proceeded to embroider varios advertisments on it for her husband's product. By walking around in this dress she quicky drummed up business for her husband and they soon became immensley wealthy and famous. Whne they died their estate passed to thier nearest living relative, a nephew bor and living in the U.S. who used some of the money to fund a sucessful bid for the Presidency. This rags to rinces story of course aroused much news and admiration in The U.S. so much so that even to this day at least once a year all of the major media sourcest take some time to consider the President's Estate of the Onion Ad-dress.

                                1. re: tonifi

                                  I really didn't want to post to this thread, but that's one of my favorite jokes ever.

                                  1. re: tonifi

                                    that's what you call a groaner. *groan*

                                2. A guy is sitting at the bar drinking, when he hears a tiny voice "hey, nice tie!" He looks around confused, but sees noone. A few minutes later, the same voice "love your suit!" Once again, he glances around puzzled. Again (3 times for any joke, eh?), the little voice says "great haircut!"

                                  He finally gets the bartender's attention and asks what that's all about. The bartender replies "oh, that. that's the peanuts. they're complimentary."

                                  And my fave: A horse walks into the bar. Says the bartender "why the long face?"

                                  Classic.

                                  2 Replies
                                  1. re: linguafood

                                    Guy walks into a bar with a little version of himself on his shoulder and asks for a beer. The little one jumps onto the bar, knocks over the beer, pisses in the peanuts, and thows the napkins on the floor. The barternder asks, "What's with him?". Guy says, "I'm walking on the beach and find a lamp with a genie inside. The genie said that if I'd rub the lamp and let him out, he'd grant me a wish. So I wished for a 10 inch prick".

                                    1. re: Sam Fujisaka

                                      Following the genie thread:

                                      Bob and Pete are in a fishing boat that sinks. They manage to make it to a small life raft where they cling to life over several days. As they are floating along Bob notices a small bottle bobbing in the waves. He grabs it, rubs it and out pops a genie who says he will grant them one wish. Quick as a wink Pete blurts out, "I wish the entire ocean were Guinness beer!".

                                      "Pete, you idiot!!", says Bob. "Now we're gonna have to pee in the boat."

                                  2. Lots of good ones in this old string as well: http://chowhound.chow.com/topics/375349

                                    1. An Israeli decides to go into business and looks around Israel for something innovative. He realises that there are very few good cheese suppliers so he travels the world and finally decides on the selection of cheeses he will wholesale to restaurants and delis in Israel.

                                      Obviously his business needs a name and he thinks and thinks and comes up with

                                      'Cheeses of Nazareth'.

                                      4 Replies
                                      1. re: smartie

                                        "Blessed are the cheesemakers.." Monty Python

                                        1. re: Hue

                                          "Blessed is the Swiss for it is holey." - me

                                          1. re: BobB

                                            That reminds me of what we say when we have a whole beef tenderloin and want to credit all of what went into making it what it was, the grass the cow ate, the source of energy for that grass, and the tenderlion itslef in its coating of herbs and olive oil

                                            "In the name of the fodder, the sun and the oily roast"

                                          2. re: Hue

                                            and that is the exact first thought that popped into my head when i read the punchline. My favorite movie by far.... gotta love Monty Python

                                        2. Why didn't the Shrimp and the Crab leave a tip for the waitress?

                                          Because they were "two shelfish" (too selfish)

                                          2 Replies
                                          1. re: gryphonskeeper

                                            aww, come on! you gotta leave it.........because they were two shelfish......

                                            you just pulled a "Leno" on us!?(see:telling a joke and then telling us WHY its funny, ala Jay Leno).no harm though...:-)

                                            1. re: nkeane

                                              :) aww thanks. I told that to my waitress last month, and she told me recently that she has used it over 100 times, and got a laugh each time!

                                          2. Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other " Does this taste funny to you?

                                            John & Joe were two cannibals having dinner. John notices that his friend isn't eating, just pushing the food around with his fork. John says to Joe "What's the matter, you're not eating? Joe replies " It's my mother-in-law, I really dislike her." John replies " Then just eat the noodles."

                                            2 Replies
                                            1. re: Rmis32

                                              Cannibal finishes dinner. Asks wife, "What's for dessert?" She replies, "Farmer Fanny."

                                              1. re: Rmis32

                                                Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his neighbor in the woods?

                                              2. Guy walks into a bar. Says "ouch"!

                                                Skeleton walks into a bar. Says "give me a beer and a mop."

                                                Grasshopper walks into a bar. Barkeep says "we've got a drink named for you." Grasshopper says "why would anybody name a drink Bob"?

                                                5 Replies
                                                1. re: alanbarnes

                                                  I like this joke, but found it funnier the first time I heard it, when the grasshopper had a different name. It needs a funnier name than Bob.

                                                  http://mcslimjb.blogspot.com/

                                                    1. re: MC Slim JB

                                                      Sheldon. Bob is funny in some jokes, but this one is a Sheldon.

                                                      1. re: MC Slim JB

                                                        Told by a new York Jew with appropriate accent - in this version the grasshopper's name was Murray. Wha, ya gotta drink named Murray????

                                                    2. What do old people taste like? Depends.

                                                      1. Guy walks into a bar one day, sits down at the bar, and places a full size head on the counter next to him.
                                                        The startled bartenders asks him "what is that?" The man replies that it is his son, and his name was just Head. He was born with only a head, nothing else. He said his son just turned 21 and he wanted to buy him his first beer. He explained to the bartender that over the years Head had a rich full life, even a job over the summers at a hot dog stand at the beach. The boss would just place him by the checkout window, and Head would offer customers, "ketchup, mustard, onions" rolling his eyes in the proper direction.
                                                        The bartender listened with amazement as he tapped the young man his first beer. He placed the beer on the counter, with a straw, and Head took his first sip. Suddenly, after swallowing, there was a loud poof, and a single arm popped out from beneath his neck. After the second sip, another poof, and a second arm appeared. Excited, the boy took another sip and instantly he had a chest. After repeated sips, he gained a waist and finally two complete legs.
                                                        Happy as you'd imagine, Head and his father embraced for the first time. Then Head, his dad, and the bartender each lifted a glass in celebration for the miracle that had just occurred. But after this final sip, there was another loud poof, and the boy suddenly disappeared completely. In shock the dad looks over at the bartender, who said to him quietly, "Shoulda quit while he was ahead".

                                                        2 Replies
                                                          1. re: pacheeseguy

                                                            A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. The bartender slowly draws a beer from the tap, staring intently at his customer the whole time. The man asks, in an irritated tone, "What are you staring at?" The bartender replies, " Your head is the size of a grapefruit, I've never seen such a thing. " The man says" Well, I had some bad luck. I was walking on the beach, when I found a large seashell. Upon rubbing it, a gorgeous, sexy genie appears and tells me I can have one wish, but she absolutely, positively will not grant a wish asking for sexual intercourse with her. I thought for a moment and said " Well, how about a little head.""

                                                          2. A very drunk man pays his bill at bar and gets off the stool to leave.
                                                            Boom, he falls down flat on floor. He says to himself, Wow, I’m drunk.
                                                            So he drags himself over to door and pulls himself up.
                                                            He opens the door, goes through, and pulls the down
                                                            behind him. Then he lets go and steps onto the sidewalk.
                                                            And again, boom, he’s on the ground.
                                                            He says to himself, Oh crap, I’ve really overdone it this time.
                                                            Then he sees a nearby light pole, crawls over to it and pulls himself up again.
                                                            And he lets go and falls flat another time.
                                                            Well, he thinks to himself, it’s only a few blocks,
                                                            and between the parking meters and the lightpoles,
                                                            I should be able to get home soon enough.
                                                            So off he goes, crawling, pulling himself up,
                                                            and falling each time he tries to step away.

                                                            Finally he gets to his home, pulls himself to the
                                                            door and bangs on it. His wife opens door, looks down
                                                            at him and says, "You idiot, you forgot your wheelchair again."

                                                            1. True story.

                                                              I was in a painting class working on a still life. The instructor came by and said to me "nice pear." I squeezed my boobies and said "that's what all the boys say!"

                                                              1. Recently widowed Mildred is visiting her friend Agnes at the the shore. As they gaze at the waves, Mildred sheepishly says "Agnes, I miss my husband so much. You've been a widow for some time, now. Tell me, do you ever get 'the urge' and what do you do about it?"

                                                                Agnes replies "Well, yes Mildred, I do get 'the urge' sometimes. But then I just suck on a Lifesaver, and it passes."

                                                                Mildred glances down, disappointed. "That's fine for you, but not everybody can have a house on the beach."

                                                                2 Replies
                                                                1. re: phofiend

                                                                  A first grade teacher was teaching her class flavors. She opened packages of lifesavers for the children to taste. First she gave out green lifesavers and asked the students, "what flavor are these?" "Lime", the children called out in unison. "Good" said the teacher and then handed out red lifesavers. "Cherry" sang out the children. "Very good, children", said the teacher and she then proceeded to hand out amber colored lifesavers. The students were stumped. The teacher, realizing that these honey lifesavers were more difficult to recognize she said "I'll give you a hint. The name of this flavor is something your mom might call your dad."
                                                                  Suddenly one girl screeched , as she spit out her lifesaver "Oh my G-d, they're assholes!"

                                                                  1. re: Rmis32

                                                                    Another first grade teacher is trying to teach her kids about animals with flashcards. They get chicken, and cow and cat and dog. The teacher then holds up a picture of a (male) deer. After no one says anything for a few minutes the teacher says "I'll give you a clue it's what your mom sometimes calls your Dad" One kid then pipes up "Oh I know now, it's a horny bastard!"

                                                                2. A skeleton walks into a bar and says: Get me a beer and a towel.

                                                                  2 Replies
                                                                    1. re: agoldman

                                                                      Look 8 messages up...it is a repeat.

                                                                      You everyone a round.

                                                                    2. My favorite is by comedian Bill Bailey... about 2.5 minutes long:
                                                                      "Anyway, God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit go into a pub…"
                                                                      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2UAh7...

                                                                      There's a transcript of a different version that I liked better when Bailey delivered it, but couldn't find a video of it:
                                                                      http://maerad.livejournal.com/43082.html

                                                                      1. Well, here's an old chestnut that's been around:

                                                                        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xDowTz...

                                                                        1. What do you find in a monster's BBQ grill?

                                                                          Ghoul-ash

                                                                          1. Joe was beginning to think his wife was getting hard of hearing so he did a test.
                                                                            He stood 20' behind her and in a normal voice asked "Honey, what's for dinner?"
                                                                            No response
                                                                            Again at 10'
                                                                            No response
                                                                            Again at 5'
                                                                            No response
                                                                            Right behind her ear......
                                                                            Wife turns and says "Joe, for the fourth time CHICKEN!!!!"

                                                                            1. Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9! (My 7 year old Nephew's favorite joke)

                                                                              1 Reply
                                                                              1. I actually overheard this, years ago, in a TsimShaTsui (Kowloon, Hong Kong) restaurant called Jimmy's Kitchen:

                                                                                A table of Scandinavian-looking men had been eating dinner behind us when another 'Scandinavian'-looking man walked in and over to their table. The seated group seemed to know him and we heard him say: "Are you finished?" Believe it or not, the reply was: "No, we're Swedish..... but you can sit and join us anyway."

                                                                                :o)

                                                                                1 Reply
                                                                                1. re: Midlife

                                                                                  In regard to the upper post, the man walks over to the table, slips and falls into the lap of one of the diners. "I forgot to mention" he says "I'm a Laplander."

                                                                                  But anyway, I think this is true. Some fellow was so fussy about his eggs that he bought an egg timer, and, when he ordered bioled aggs in a restaurant, insisted that the chef use it.

                                                                                  In one restaurant, he orders two 4-minute eggs, and gives the timer to the waiter. More than four minutes elapses, and no eggs. Finally, he goes into the kitchen, and there are two eggs, boiling away, and the egg timer boiling in the pot along wiht them.

                                                                                2. It has been a while since this thread had anything new so.............................

                                                                                  A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

                                                                                  2 Replies
                                                                                    1. re: BobB

                                                                                      That's a great little book; it's the grammatic equivalent of Chow, just replace the joy of food with the joy of punctuation. To some that will be incomprehensible. To the others, I recommend this book.

                                                                                  1. Two Irishmen walk out of a bar............It could happen.

                                                                                    5 Replies
                                                                                      1. re: phantomdoc

                                                                                        I believe walk would be an incorrect choice of verb. How about reel, or stagger or stumble or wobble or lurch or crawl or possibly blunder, bumble, careen, fall, falter, flounder, hesitate, limp, lose their balance, lumber, lurch, muddle, pitch,shuffle, tilt, topple, totter, trip, wallow, or even waver? ;-D>

                                                                                        1. re: Servorg

                                                                                          no "walk" would be the correct choice of verb. to be a joke it has to be something that is unlikely to happen. See, 2 Irishmen "walking" out of a bar is more funny than 2 Irishmen stumble out of a bar.

                                                                                          1. re: TroyTempest

                                                                                            what a dorky reply by me. Not really sure why i felt inclined to post this.

                                                                                            1. re: TroyTempest

                                                                                              Not too worry...we all live to rue hitting the "post my reply" button now and again (if you don't you're just not trying hard enough). And I was kidding with my reply...basically pointing out the "impossibility" of the act of walking ever occurring in that situation and offering a few alternatives...knowing that the joke was in the unlikely scenario presented...

                                                                                      2. Seamus runs a liquor store near the only convent in his small town. One day a young novice walks through his door and up to his counter.
                                                                                        "Why, Sister Mary Ignacius! What are you, an upstanding young woman of the Lord, doing in my shop, a den of the demon rum?"
                                                                                        The young nun looks at him sincerely and says, "Seamus, sir, I would like to buy a bottle of bourbon."
                                                                                        Seamus is aghast, "No, Sister! I cannot in good conscience sell you a bottle of bourbon, for it goes against the very fiber of your life's calling!"
                                                                                        "You see, Mr. Flannery, it's for the Mother Superior."
                                                                                        At this, Seamus becomes livid, "Oh, for the Mother Superior, is it? And what use does she have for this stuff which rots society? And you better understand that anything you tell me I will readily recount to the Monsignor!"
                                                                                        Sister Mary Ignacius looks around, lowers her voice and leans in to say, "No, Seamus. It's for her constipation."
                                                                                        Seamus immediately abases himself, "Oh! I am so sorry, Sister, to ever doubt the strength of your faith. Here, take this fifth of bourbon for the Mother Superior with my compliments."
                                                                                        So Sister Mary Ignacius thanks Seamus graciously, tucks the brown paper bag into her habit, and discreetly leaves the store.
                                                                                        Later, at closing time, Seamus gets his hat and coat, flips the sign to "CLOSED" and locks up. On his way home he passes the convent, where there is quite a crowd gathered at the gate. Naturally curious, he makes his way to the front of the crowd to see what's the spectacle and his eyes land on Sister Mary Ignacius, naked but for her veil, dancing about the courtyard singing off-color limericks and drinking songs.
                                                                                        "SISTER!" Seamus yells, "What are you doing?! You told me the bourbon was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"
                                                                                        "Oh it is, Seamus," she slurred, "When she sees me, she's going to shit!"

                                                                                        1. Four women were quietly sitting in a restaurant.

                                                                                          2 Replies
                                                                                          1. re: margshep

                                                                                            Four Jewish women are sitting in a restaurant. The waiter comes by and asks, Is anything alright?

                                                                                            A elderly Jewish man has been eating dinner in the same restaurant every Friday night for the last 11 years. He always orders matzah ball soup and roast chicken. One one night he calls for the waiter, who is his regular server and they know each other by last name.
                                                                                            Cohen, I want you to taste the soup.
                                                                                            Ginsberg, Why do you want that? It's the same soup you get every Friday for the last 11 years. I don't want to taste the soup.
                                                                                            I am the customer and I demand that you taste the soup, right now!
                                                                                            OK I will taste the soup, where is the spoon?
                                                                                            Ah Ha!

                                                                                            1. re: phantomdoc

                                                                                              a man walks into a deli and sits at a table

                                                                                              the waitress comes over and asks him what he wants
                                                                                              he says I'll start with some chopped liver. She yells to the kitchen 'one chopped liver'

                                                                                              then he says next I'll have chicken soup. So she yells over her shoulder to the kitchen
                                                                                              'one chicken soup'

                                                                                              he says, on second thoughts I'll have pea soup.

                                                                                              So she shouts 'make the chicken pea'

                                                                                              he says 'I'll pass on the soup, thanks'.

                                                                                          2. A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender sees him and yells "GET OUT!! We don't serve your kind here".

                                                                                            The mushroom says "Why not? I'm a fungi"

                                                                                            5 Replies
                                                                                              1. re: Servorg

                                                                                                Thanks! As it turns out, there is one place where a vegetable can grab a drink:

                                                                                                The Salad Bar!

                                                                                                1. re: pickledtink

                                                                                                  We use the term Honeymoon Salad for just lettuce alone.

                                                                                                2. re: pickledtink

                                                                                                  And why did the fungi end up leaving the bar? There wasn't mushroom.

                                                                                                3. A Methodist preacher, a Catholic priest, and a Jewish rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

                                                                                                  1. guy walks into a bar with his dog. he bets the bartender that he can give his dog $5 and the dog will go out get him a newspaper, and bring him the change. Bartender takes the bet, and out goes the dog.

                                                                                                    15 minutes pass.
                                                                                                    half an hour
                                                                                                    an hour

                                                                                                    the guy is freaking out. he says " i have to go find my dog" he leaves the bar and looks everywhere for the dog, ho he finally finds screwing a french poodle in an alley.

                                                                                                    he asks the dog "what are you doing? you never did anything like this before!"

                                                                                                    dog says " never had 5 bucks before"

                                                                                                    1 Reply
                                                                                                    1. Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

                                                                                                      "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

                                                                                                      1 Reply
                                                                                                      1. re: therealdoctorlew

                                                                                                        A friend of mine, who works as an chemist, recently came up with a nitrogen based salt substitute which he named "N-salt" and which has become quite popular among the local resturaunts who find it very uesful. However recently there have been some complaints from the local Ethiopian resturaunt, it seems they were using it in their injera (flatbread) but evertime the served this bread to thier patrons they becme very angry, left in a huff, and never returned. They've stopped using it but they can't seem to get any of thier patrons back and it's been real trouble for them. Of course I could have told them not to do it in the first place, eveyone knows people get sore when you add N-salt to injera.

                                                                                                      2. From the real wew.
                                                                                                        Waiter comes to the table with a full tray and says, "Who ordered the tea in a clean cup?"

                                                                                                        1. An elderly man is lying on his death bed. His son comes to him and asks, Pop is there anything I can do for you to make you more comfortable? He says that I can smell that your mother is baking her famous apple strudel. I would like to taste it once more before I die. The son leaves and returns 5 minutes later. The father asks, Where is the strudel? The son says...

                                                                                                          Mom says it's for after the funeral.

                                                                                                          3 Replies
                                                                                                            1. An epicure dining at Crewe
                                                                                                              Found quite a large mouse in his stew.
                                                                                                              Said the waiter; "Don't shout,
                                                                                                              and wave it about,
                                                                                                              or the rest will be wanting one too."

                                                                                                              4 Replies
                                                                                                              1. re: EWSflash

                                                                                                                lol...I read the following 40 years ago somewhere and it stuck in my head for no good reason:

                                                                                                                From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews,
                                                                                                                There is really abominable news:
                                                                                                                They've discovered a head
                                                                                                                In the box for the bread,
                                                                                                                But nobody seems to know whose.

                                                                                                                1. re: Servorg

                                                                                                                  There was a young lady from Ride
                                                                                                                  Who ate a green apple and died.
                                                                                                                  The apple fermented
                                                                                                                  Within the lamented,
                                                                                                                  Making cider inside 'er inside.

                                                                                                                  1. re: Servorg

                                                                                                                    That's another one from Edward Gorey's "The Listing Attic" here's a third

                                                                                                                    A man of great Acument and daring
                                                                                                                    Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring
                                                                                                                    Was left quite alone
                                                                                                                    When one day it was shown
                                                                                                                    That thier use at his board was unsparing.

                                                                                                                    1. re: jumpingmonk

                                                                                                                      There once was a lady named Perkins
                                                                                                                      Who simply dotted on gherkins
                                                                                                                      In spite of advice
                                                                                                                      She ate so much spice
                                                                                                                      That it pickled her internal workins.

                                                                                                                2. A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,

                                                                                                                  And finally they got married, and had a little sweet
                                                                                                                  potato, which they
                                                                                                                  Called
                                                                                                                  'Yam.'

                                                                                                                  Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

                                                                                                                  When it was time, they told her about the facts
                                                                                                                  of life.

                                                                                                                  They warned her about going out
                                                                                                                  and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and
                                                                                                                  get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and
                                                                                                                  end up with a bunch of

                                                                                                                  Tater
                                                                                                                  Tots

                                                                                                                  Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get
                                                                                                                  her into the sack and Make a rotten potato out of her!

                                                                                                                  But on the other hand she
                                                                                                                  Wouldn't stay home
                                                                                                                  and become a Couch Potato either.

                                                                                                                  She would get

                                                                                                                  Plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her
                                                                                                                  Shoestring
                                                                                                                  Cousins.

                                                                                                                  When she went off to
                                                                                                                  Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam
                                                                                                                  To watch out
                                                                                                                  for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .

                                                                                                                  And the

                                                                                                                  Greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And
                                                                                                                  when she went out West,

                                                                                                                  To
                                                                                                                  watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

                                                                                                                  Yam said she would stay on the straight and
                                                                                                                  narrow
                                                                                                                  And
                                                                                                                  wouldn't
                                                                                                                  associate
                                                                                                                  with
                                                                                                                  those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other
                                                                                                                  Side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all
                                                                                                                  the trucks that say,
                                                                                                                  'Frito Lay.'

                                                                                                                  Mr. And
                                                                                                                  Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's
                                                                                                                  Potato
                                                                                                                  University ) so that when she graduated she'd really

                                                                                                                  Be
                                                                                                                  in the Chips.

                                                                                                                  But in spite of all they did for
                                                                                                                  her, one-day Yam came home
                                                                                                                  And announced she was
                                                                                                                  going to marry Tom Brokaw.

                                                                                                                  Tom Brokaw!

                                                                                                                  Mr And
                                                                                                                  Mrs.
                                                                                                                  Potato were very upset.

                                                                                                                  They
                                                                                                                  told
                                                                                                                  Yam she couldn't
                                                                                                                  possibly

                                                                                                                  Marry
                                                                                                                  Tom Brokaw
                                                                                                                  Because he's just.......

                                                                                                                  Are you
                                                                                                                  ready for this?

                                                                                                                  Are
                                                                                                                  you sure?

                                                                                                                  *

                                                                                                                  *

                                                                                                                  OK!
                                                                                                                  Here it is!

                                                                                                                  *

                                                                                                                  *
                                                                                                                  *

                                                                                                                  *

                                                                                                                  A
                                                                                                                  COMMONTATER

                                                                                                                  1 Reply
                                                                                                                  1. re: margshep

                                                                                                                    I couldn't remember where I got this joke from...now I do!
                                                                                                                    (visualize the head under the chair emoticon here!)

                                                                                                                  2. A thief, a lair, and a politician walk into a bar. And that's just the first guy!

                                                                                                                    1. A biker rides up to lonely pub in the middle of nowhere. He walks in, sits down, and sees a sign behind the bar that reads:

                                                                                                                      Cold Beer $3.00
                                                                                                                      Hamburger $3.00
                                                                                                                      Cheeseburger $3.50
                                                                                                                      Handjobs $50.00

                                                                                                                      He calls over the fantastically beautiful barmaid and asks, "Say, are you the one who gives the handjobs?" She smiles slyly and replies, "Why, yes, I am." The biker says, "Well go wash your hands then, because I want a Cheeseburger."

                                                                                                                      1 Reply
                                                                                                                      1. re: loomco

                                                                                                                        You might want to link this to the latest NAF thread "when you see unhygienic practices...?" ;-D>

                                                                                                                        (and it was very funny by the way...still chuckling...)

                                                                                                                      2. A man walks into a diner and looks at the menu. He orders some eggs benedict. He watches other people's food come out on the classic heavy white diner china. Imagine his surprise when his order arrives: it's plunked on his table in a shiny hubcap!

                                                                                                                        He asks his waiter "What gives?"

                                                                                                                        The waiter smiles at him and sings,

                                                                                                                        "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

                                                                                                                        1. An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
                                                                                                                          The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly."
                                                                                                                          The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
                                                                                                                          The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
                                                                                                                          You know.... The one that's red and has thorns."
                                                                                                                          "Do you mean a rose?"
                                                                                                                          "Yes, that's the one,'"replied the man. He turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

                                                                                                                          3 Replies
                                                                                                                            1. re: phofiend

                                                                                                                              As it has been a few years, this thread came up again and when l went to my post, thus read your joke and laughed all over again.Joke is too true!

                                                                                                                            2. It's not about food but it IS really true....Tourist is leaving restaurant where I worked and asked directions. I started to give him detailed directions when he cut me off and said "but wait, I'M BACKED IN!" You can't make this stuff up! :-)

                                                                                                                              4 Replies
                                                                                                                              1. re: soxlover

                                                                                                                                My apologies in advance for anyone who finds this joke offensive or un PC

                                                                                                                                "Did you hear about the Chef who was diagnosed with Munchausen by Proxy? First he would beat the eggs, then he would coddle them."

                                                                                                                                1. re: jumpingmonk

                                                                                                                                  a few months ago, at a party I probably pulled off the WORST pun ever. There was a contest to see who could com up with the best visual pun. whne my turn came up I went over to the beer collection (the person at who house the part was being held collected sealed antique beer cans and bottles) from which I took two bottles of Dunkel and two cans of Billy Beer I then went over to the wet bar and mixed up a zombie cocktail. While there I als pored a glass of Iced tea from the pitcher there (for those who werent drinking) finally it took a plate and on it put some slices of proscuitto from the canape table. I then laid these out in a row making sure that the two bottles of Dunkel were touching each other as were the two beer cans. I then pronounced my pun done. when asked what it was I sand out "Bock to Bock, Billy to Billy with a Zombie, ham and tea!"

                                                                                                                                  1. re: jumpingmonk

                                                                                                                                    I'm impressed, but I know the song. Good work!

                                                                                                                                    1. re: Fydeaux

                                                                                                                                      This year I also came away with the prize. I put French fries, gravy and cheese curds on a cracker and called it "Poutine on the Ritz"

                                                                                                                              2. Great old Rodney Dangerfield bit:

                                                                                                                                I went into a bar and said to the bartender, "Bartender, make me a zombie!"
                                                                                                                                The bartender said, "Too late, God already did."

                                                                                                                                2 Replies
                                                                                                                                1. re: MandalayVA

                                                                                                                                  Just as old and groany: Zen master walks into a hot dog joint and says, "Make me one with everything!"

                                                                                                                                  1. re: BobB

                                                                                                                                    And hands the vendor a 20-dollar bill to pay for it. The vendor starts serving another customer. Zen master says "Hey, what about change?" Vendor says "Change comes from within."

                                                                                                                                2. I think this was from an old Bette Midler show:
                                                                                                                                  Waitress walks by a table with a hamburger under each armpit. Grossed out customer asks-
                                                                                                                                  "What are you doing?"
                                                                                                                                  "Keeping the hamburgers warm!"
                                                                                                                                  "Gross".
                                                                                                                                  "If you think that's bad, you should see what I do with the hotdogs!"

                                                                                                                                  1. This guy walks into a bar, sits down, orders a beer. Barman serves it up, says, "Welcome back, bud."

                                                                                                                                    Guy says, "I'm sorry, do I know you?"

                                                                                                                                    Barman says, "Sure, you look awful familiar."

                                                                                                                                    Guy says, "Actually, I've never been in here before."

                                                                                                                                    Barman says, "No, I'm sure I know you."

                                                                                                                                    Guy says, "Well, I'm from out of town, and this is my first visit to your fine city."

                                                                                                                                    Barman says, "Honest, I swear, I seen you somewhere."

                                                                                                                                    Guy says, "Well, maybe you could have seen me in another bar in another town, but I just started drinking for the first time in my life this week, so it's unlikely."

                                                                                                                                    Barman says, "You on the TV or somethin'?"

                                                                                                                                    Guy says, "No, I'm not a celebrity of any kind, never been on TV in my life."

                                                                                                                                    Bartender slaps his forehead, says, "Wait! I got it! You're the guy in the joke with no punchline!"

                                                                                                                                    Guy picks up his beer, takes a long swallow, and says, "Why, yes -- I am."

                                                                                                                                    http://mcslimjb.blogspot.com/

                                                                                                                                    1. A man is flying from Los Angeles to New York. During the meal service, he
                                                                                                                                      accidentally knocked the spoon off to the aisle with his elbow. The flight
                                                                                                                                      attendant immediately took a spoon from his pocket and placed it on his
                                                                                                                                      traytable. The man was very impressed by the promptness of the service and
                                                                                                                                      asked, "Do all flight attendants carry a spoon in their pockets?"
                                                                                                                                      The flight attendant answered, "We had an efficiency expert in to evaluate
                                                                                                                                      our operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off
                                                                                                                                      their traytables. By carrying a spare spoon, we all save trips to the
                                                                                                                                      galley and can be much more efficient."

                                                                                                                                      Later, as the flight attendant is picking his dirty tray up, the customer
                                                                                                                                      asked, "Excuse me for asking but why do you have a string hanging from
                                                                                                                                      your fly?"

                                                                                                                                      The flight attendant replied, "The efficiency expert determined that we
                                                                                                                                      were spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the
                                                                                                                                      bathroom. To counteract this, we tie strings to our penises."

                                                                                                                                      The customer looked confused. "How does that help?" he asked.

                                                                                                                                      "Well, when I go to the bathroom 1 just use the string. Since I never touched myself I don't need to wash my hands."

                                                                                                                                      The customer nodded and asked, "But how do you get it back in your pants?"

                                                                                                                                      The flight attendant smiled, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use
                                                                                                                                      the spoon."

                                                                                                                                      3 Replies
                                                                                                                                        1. re: BubblyOne

                                                                                                                                          A favorite of mine
                                                                                                                                          You know your food obessed when......

                                                                                                                                          You think the battle of Salamis involved rival Italian deli's.

                                                                                                                                          1. re: jumpingmonk

                                                                                                                                            Second round
                                                                                                                                            You know you're food obessed when.....
                                                                                                                                            You think the fight between the Campbell's and the McDonalds was about whether to have soup or fast food for lunch.

                                                                                                                                      1. An elderly couple are always squabbling because the husband is getting forgetful and the wife is always nagging him to write things down. One evening as they're watching TV, the husband says he's going into the kitchen for a cup of coffee and does she want anything.

                                                                                                                                        "Yes, I'd like some ice cream. Oh, and put some of those little sprinkles on top and .. Oh wait, you'd better write this down."

                                                                                                                                        "I don't need to write it down. Anything else?"

                                                                                                                                        "A little bit of chocolate sauce would be good. Are you sure you don't need to write this down?"

                                                                                                                                        "NO!!! I'm not senile you know."

                                                                                                                                        The husband is gone for about 15 minutes before returning with a plate of bacon and scrambled eggs for his wife. She looks at the plate and then, pityingly, at him. "See? I told you that you should have written it down. WHERE'S MY TOAST????"

                                                                                                                                        1. A group of 40 year old buddies discuss where they should go for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice figures.

                                                                                                                                          Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the guys once again discuss where they should dine. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is excellent.

                                                                                                                                          Ten years later at 60 years of age, the guys once again discuss where they should dine. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

                                                                                                                                          Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the guys once again discuss where they should dine. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

                                                                                                                                          Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the guys once again discuss where they should dine. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they have never been there before.

                                                                                                                                          1. A Frenchman, German man, Scotsman, Italian man, Brazilian, Chinaman, Englishman, American, Japanese, Indian, Kenyan, Irishman, Welshman, Icelandic man, Australian and a Belgian man walk into a bar.
                                                                                                                                            The barman says 'Sorry gents, you can't come in here without a Thai'.

                                                                                                                                            2 Replies
                                                                                                                                              1. not for the squeamish.
                                                                                                                                                A man walks into a fine Parisian restaurant for dinner. The decor is elegant and the ambience is sophisticated, with soft lighting and beautiful music playing softly in the background. The waiter approaches him, with a linen napkin draped over his forearm and asks " What would monsieur like to eat this evening?" The man orders the onion soup and it is quickly brought to him, with a rich aroma and a layer of golden cheese melted across the top. The presentation is wonderful, but the diner notices that the waiter's thumb is sticking into the bowl, right into his soup. He decides not to say anything and enjoys the soup, thinking it is incredibly good. For the next course, he orders the Boeuf Bourguignon and again he receives a beautifully plated dish and again, the waiters thumb is sticking into the sauce. A side order of creamed spinach, a warm plum pudding dessert, each with that thumb right in the food.

                                                                                                                                                As the customer is finishing the meal, the waiter comes over and asks " How was you dinner, monsieur?" The man looks up at him and says " The restaurant design is quite chic, the food was extraordinary, probably the best I've ever eaten and the service..." The waiter detects some hesitation and asks "Was there something wrong, monsieur? I pride myself on gracious, efficient service." The gentleman replied "Oh, you were gracious and you were efficient all right, but when you brought the soup, I noticed your thumb was in it, the boeuf - again with the thumb, spinach - more thumb, the pudding -that damn thumb again. This is such a classy place, how could you do such a thing?" The waiter looked at him sheepishly and replied " Well, if you must know, my thumb is infected and the doctor advised me to keep it warm, as much as possible." The man exploded "Infected thumb, you son of a bitch, you wanna keep it warm, shove it up your ass!"

                                                                                                                                                The waiter protested "Monsieur, I do that in the kitchen, but in the dining room, it doesn't look nice."

                                                                                                                                                1. *dirty joke alert*

                                                                                                                                                  What does a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common?
                                                                                                                                                  -------->They can both smell it but they cant eat it.

                                                                                                                                                  2 Replies
                                                                                                                                                  1. Q: why did jesus go to the japanese restaurant?!?

                                                                                                                                                    A (singing the tune of the christian children's hymn): "be-cause he loves MI-SO!"

                                                                                                                                                    1 Reply
                                                                                                                                                    1. re: soupkitten

                                                                                                                                                      What a friend we have in cheeses!

                                                                                                                                                    2. I was waitressing at a restaurant where we would slice bread fresh and bring it to the tables, and whenever someone asked me to bring them the heel, I would tell them that I couldn't...I had divorced him already.

                                                                                                                                                      1. A priest, a rabbi, a lawyer, a blond and a dog walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, what is this, a joke?

                                                                                                                                                        1. Not a food joke, but I like it....

                                                                                                                                                          Did you hear about the atom that was taken in for questioning about some stolen Electrons?

                                                                                                                                                          He was charged.

                                                                                                                                                          1. Argon walks into a bar. The bartender insults him. Argon doesn't react.

                                                                                                                                                            1 Reply
                                                                                                                                                            1. re: Isolda

                                                                                                                                                              A noble effort but it left me completely inert... ;-D>

                                                                                                                                                            2. surely we can't forget this classic

                                                                                                                                                              what did one snail say to the other at the drag race?
                                                                                                                                                              look at that s-car go.

                                                                                                                                                              1 Reply
                                                                                                                                                              1. re: KaimukiMan

                                                                                                                                                                from Norm Crosby:

                                                                                                                                                                Dracula to Lady Vampire "why won't you date me anymore?"
                                                                                                                                                                Lady Vampire "you take me to nice restaurants, then stick me for the drinks!"

                                                                                                                                                              2. guy walks by a farm and sees a three-legged pig. asks the farmer, "what's the story with this pig?" farmer says, "this pig saved our lives! this pig woke us all up from a sound sleep when our home was on fire, and dragged my kids out of their burning beds. we love this pig!" guy goes, "did he lose his leg in the fire?" farmer says, "no, but you don't expect us to eat him all at once, do you?"

                                                                                                                                                                1. A man frantically makes his way through the crowd to the bartender, wherein he cries out,
                                                                                                                                                                  "Sorry to cut in, but I need 5 shots of Patron right now please"
                                                                                                                                                                  The bartender complies, and as soon as he starts lining them up across the bar, the fellow immediately starts shot-gunning each one in rapid succession.
                                                                                                                                                                  "Slow down" says the bartender, "its' not healthy to drink them all so quickly like you just did"
                                                                                                                                                                  "Oh yeah? You'd be doing the same as me if you just found out you had what I have" exclaims the customer.
                                                                                                                                                                  "What’s that?" asks the bartender.
                                                                                                                                                                  Says the customer, "50 cents"