615160
Food and restaurant jokes.
Sun Apr 26 16:10:57 -0700 2009
94
29
Not About Food
0
4630545
As a chef, I'm always asked if I can cook vegetarian. I always reply that unfortunately I can't...because they are too stringy and you can't slice them thin enough!
What are your favorite food or industry jokes!
Sun Apr 26 16:10:57 -0700 2009
259263
bigfellow
1
4631675
Two neutrons walk into a bar. "How much for a beer?" one of them asks.
Bartender looks at them, and says "For you - no charge".
Mon Apr 27 05:34:11 -0700 2009
4630545
48210
KevinB
2
4631795
Two protons walk into a bar and ask `How much for a beer ? `. The bar tender says $20. One of the protons says `$20 ?. Are you sure they are that expensive ?`.
Bartender looks at them, and says "For you - positive".
(Sorry best I could come up with`).
Mon Apr 27 06:45:13 -0700 2009
4631675
154622
Paulustrious
3
4631883
Two strings walk into a bar. The bartender says they don't serve strings. The strings walk out, and tie themselves together, then unravel their ends. They walk back in and ask for a drink, and the bartenders says "Aren't you the strings that were just in here?" They reply "No, we're afraid not"
Mon Apr 27 07:20:43 -0700 2009
4631795
18072
Niki in Dayton
4
4634997
And the barman, says "Mmm, that may be OK in theory".
Tue Apr 28 05:18:51 -0700 2009
4631883
154622
Paulustrious
1
4633686
Two termites walk into a bar and yell "hey where's the bar tender?"
Mon Apr 27 15:21:08 -0700 2009
4630545
11562
Hue
1
4633784
The very opening of Annie Hall, Alvy Singer, talking to the camera:
"There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, 'Boy, the food at this place is really terrible.' The other one says, 'Yeah, I know; and such small portions.' Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly."
http://mcslimjb.blogspot.com/
Mon Apr 27 15:52:12 -0700 2009
4630545
10143
MC Slim JB
1
4633856
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "do you have any quackers?"
bartender looks at him and says "no". Duck walks out.
next day, Duck walks into the same bar and asks the same bartender, "do you have any quackers?"
bartender looks at him and says, "NO"
next day, Duck walks in again and asks the bartender "do you have any quackers?"
bartender throws his bar rag down in disgust and says, "NO! if you come in here one more time and ask if we have quackers, im going to nail your feet to the floor!! now get the hell out of here!"
next day, duck walks in and the bartender sees him and says "what did I tell you!!". Duck looks at him and asks "do you have any nails?" bartender looks puzzled and says "no!?" duck then asks " do you have any quackers?"
Mon Apr 27 16:14:27 -0700 2009
4630545
39457
nkeane
2
4634949
Okay four bar jokes
Rene Descartes is sitting at a bar with an empty drink. The bar tender says "want another?" Descartes says "I think not" and prompty dissapears.
Julius Ceasar walk up to the bartender and says "Give me a martinus" the bartender says "you mean a martini" Caesar says "listen if I wanted two I would have asked for two!"
A German walk up to the bartender and says "Two martinis mein Herr" the bartender says "Dry?" The german says "Nein, I only want two!"
A man walk into a bat and asks the bartender "do you know how to make an Elephant Shake?" The bartender says "Well, usually I just tell them a mouse just ran by!"
Tue Apr 28 04:41:31 -0700 2009
4633856
24492
jumpingmonk
2
4635733
Same joke (duck, quackers, above jumpingmonk's) told with monkey asking about cheese was posted on CH a while back - it's also very funny with different "personnel".
Tue Apr 28 09:42:09 -0700 2009
4633856
13709
buttertart
2
4925887
LOL!!!!
Fri Aug 07 08:57:24 -0700 2009
4633856
174753
NellyNel
2
4931962
A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "What can I do for you/" The duck says, "Get this man out of my ass!"
Sun Aug 09 20:19:14 -0700 2009
4633856
221285
therealdoctorlew
3
5066588
"This Guy", not "A man". "This Guy" is funnier.
(See "My Favorite Year").
Tue Sep 29 08:34:30 -0700 2009
4931962
10258
Fydeaux
3
5066596
a hassid walks into a bar with a frog on his head. bartender says
"where did you get that??"
frog says "Brooklyn, they got a million of em"
Tue Sep 29 08:36:56 -0700 2009
4931962
135229
thew
1
4634983
Every day Paddy O'Riley comes into the same bar and orders 3 beers: 1 for himself and 2 he drinks in honor of his brothers who are back in Ireland. After doing this for many months, Paddy comes in and only orders 2 beers. The bartender, assuming the worst has happened offers his condolences on the loss of a brother. Paddy said, "No, my brothers are fine. I just gave up drinking for Lent".
Tue Apr 28 05:06:29 -0700 2009
4630545
227406
JohnE O
1
4635516
Everytime my boss was asked if he wanted to sit in smoking or non-smoking, he would reply: "It depends on what they are smoking." That always made the wait staff pause for a second.
Tue Apr 28 08:43:06 -0700 2009
4630545
69015
bookwormchef
1
4636965
Man walks into a bar, and orders a martini. Bartender prepares it and puts it on the counter. Man stands back three feet, and stares fixedly at it for two minutes, then suddenly reaches forward, snatches the glass, and drains it all in one fluid motion. He waits two minutes, orders another, and repeats the process. This goes on for two more drinks, and the bartender can't contain himself any longer. "Say," he says, "You have a pretty unique style of drinking your martinis; is there a story behind that?".
"Yes" the customer replies "I had a terrible accident once."
"Oh? What happened?"
"I knocked one over with my elbow".
Tue Apr 28 14:55:10 -0700 2009
4630545
48210
KevinB
2
4640872
There once was a chef who took pride in obtaining only the freshest, most seasonal ingredients. When the morels were up in the Midwest, off he went to the backwoods of Missouri for the freshest, the tastiest, mushrooms. When wild blueberries were ripe in the state of Maine, he was on the first plane to Portland to obtain the freshest berries. One day he received a call that the scrod were running off the Atlantic Coast. He took the first plane, and at the airport rushed to a waiting cab. "Take me," he shouted to the cab driver, "to get scrod!"
"Wow" replied the cab driver, "that's the first time I ever heard that request in the pluperfect subjunctive!"
Hey...nobody said it had to be a GOOD joke.
And yes, I know that there really isn't any such thing as scrod, just a term for 'small, tasty whitefish."
Wed Apr 29 18:44:07 -0700 2009
4636965
12708
tonifi
3
4641566
Two famous chefs were competeting for a large cash prize on who could make the tasties fish dish. As the competition progressed it became obvious that both were going to tie, in fact that both were making pretty much the exact same dish. at the last momement one of the chefs put a demi-glace on his dish and won the prize. As the award was presented the losing chef was heard to say "Ah, there but for the glaze of cod go I."
Speaking of fish have you heard that some ancinet seaside communties used to use fish as a form of money, they were amoung the first people to use credit cods.
(this one acually happened to me)
Two people were stiing down to a meal of fish which one of them has caugt that morning in the pond in his backyard. said one to the other "This is pretty good fish" sed the second (the one who had caught them) "It's crappie" Said the first "well if you don't like it I'll be glad to finish it!"
Whats the difference between Italian blue cheese and saying hellow to Medusa and her sisters on a vactaion in Spain
one is gorgonzola and the other is "Hola, gorgons!"
One upon a time there lived in france a man an his wife who made thier living by selling onions. The man and his wife were poor for, while those who did buy from them averred they sold the finest onions to be had in all of France, relitively few knew of thier product. To correct this fact the man wife in a spark of cleverness, came up with an intriging idea. She took one of her dresses, and by long work proceeded to embroider varios advertisments on it for her husband's product. By walking around in this dress she quicky drummed up business for her husband and they soon became immensley wealthy and famous. Whne they died their estate passed to thier nearest living relative, a nephew bor and living in the U.S. who used some of the money to fund a sucessful bid for the Presidency. This rags to rinces story of course aroused much news and admiration in The U.S. so much so that even to this day at least once a year all of the major media sourcest take some time to consider the President's Estate of the Onion Ad-dress.
Thu Apr 30 05:06:55 -0700 2009
4640872
24492
jumpingmonk
1
4641604
A guy is sitting at the bar drinking, when he hears a tiny voice "hey, nice tie!" He looks around confused, but sees noone. A few minutes later, the same voice "love your suit!" Once again, he glances around puzzled. Again (3 times for any joke, eh?), the little voice says "great haircut!"
He finally gets the bartender's attention and asks what that's all about. The bartender replies "oh, that. that's the peanuts. they're complimentary."
And my fave: A horse walks into the bar. Says the bartender "why the long face?"
Classic.
Thu Apr 30 05:30:40 -0700 2009
4630545
116513
linguafood
2
4646258
Guy walks into a bar with a little version of himself on his shoulder and asks for a beer. The little one jumps onto the bar, knocks over the beer, pisses in the peanuts, and thows the napkins on the floor. The barternder asks, "What's with him?". Guy says, "I'm walking on the beach and find a lamp with a genie inside. The genie said that if I'd rub the lamp and let him out, he'd grant me a wish. So I wished for a 10 inch prick".
Fri May 01 12:50:09 -0700 2009
4641604
36661
Sam Fujisaka
3
4646287
Following the genie thread:
Bob and Pete are in a fishing boat that sinks. They manage to make it to a small life raft where they cling to life over several days. As they are floating along Bob notices a small bottle bobbing in the waves. He grabs it, rubs it and out pops a genie who says he will grant them one wish. Quick as a wink Pete blurts out, "I wish the entire ocean were Guinness beer!".
"Pete, you idiot!!", says Bob. "Now we're gonna have to pee in the boat."
Fri May 01 12:59:46 -0700 2009
4646258
227406
JohnE O
1
4642102
Lots of good ones in this old string as well: http://chowhound.chow.com/topics/375349
Thu Apr 30 08:29:23 -0700 2009
4630545
14386
BobB
1
4646903
An Israeli decides to go into business and looks around Israel for something innovative. He realises that there are very few good cheese suppliers so he travels the world and finally decides on the selection of cheeses he will wholesale to restaurants and delis in Israel.
Obviously his business needs a name and he thinks and thinks and comes up with
'Cheeses of Nazareth'.
Fri May 01 16:35:48 -0700 2009
4630545
22559
smartie
2
4648022
"Blessed are the cheesemakers.." Monty Python
Sat May 02 08:50:47 -0700 2009
4646903
11562
Hue
3
4652314
"Blessed is the Swiss for it is holey." - me
Mon May 04 08:14:24 -0700 2009
4648022
14386
BobB
4
4653850
That reminds me of what we say when we have a whole beef tenderloin and want to credit all of what went into making it what it was, the grass the cow ate, the source of energy for that grass, and the tenderlion itslef in its coating of herbs and olive oil
"In the name of the fodder, the sun and the oily roast"
Mon May 04 15:07:55 -0700 2009
4652314
24492
jumpingmonk
3
4654381
and that is the exact first thought that popped into my head when i read the punchline. My favorite movie by far.... gotta love Monty Python
Mon May 04 18:38:40 -0700 2009
4648022
264146
kubasd
1
4653858
Why didn't the Shrimp and the Crab leave a tip for the waitress?
Because they were "two shelfish" (too selfish)
Mon May 04 15:12:35 -0700 2009
4630545
54116
gryphonskeeper
2
4654046
aww, come on! you gotta leave it.........because they were two shelfish......
you just pulled a "Leno" on us!?(see:telling a joke and then telling us WHY its funny, ala Jay Leno).no harm though...:-)
Mon May 04 16:23:28 -0700 2009
4653858
39457
nkeane
3
4654063
:) aww thanks. I told that to my waitress last month, and she told me recently that she has used it over 100 times, and got a laugh each time!
Mon May 04 16:33:44 -0700 2009
4654046
54116
gryphonskeeper
1
4654825
Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other " Does this taste funny to you?
John & Joe were two cannibals having dinner. John notices that his friend isn't eating, just pushing the food around with his fork. John says to Joe "What's the matter, you're not eating? Joe replies " It's my mother-in-law, I really dislike her." John replies " Then just eat the noodles."
Mon May 04 22:12:05 -0700 2009
4630545
32941
Rmis32
2
4656310
Cannibal finishes dinner. Asks wife, "What's for dessert?" She replies, "Farmer Fanny."
Tue May 05 11:38:04 -0700 2009
4654825
113176
jmckee
2
5026605
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his neighbor in the woods?
Sun Sep 13 12:20:22 -0700 2009
4654825
116820
Jitterbug
1
4654872
Guy walks into a bar. Says "ouch"!
Skeleton walks into a bar. Says "give me a beer and a mop."
Grasshopper walks into a bar. Barkeep says "we've got a drink named for you." Grasshopper says "why would anybody name a drink Bob"?
Mon May 04 22:56:19 -0700 2009
4630545
58743
alanbarnes
2
4667309
I like this joke, but found it funnier the first time I heard it, when the grasshopper had a different name. It needs a funnier name than Bob.
http://mcslimjb.blogspot.com/
Fri May 08 16:07:39 -0700 2009
4654872
10143
MC Slim JB
3
4931763
How about Melvin?
Sun Aug 09 18:26:50 -0700 2009
4667309
156684
RosePearl
4
4931834
When I heard it, it was Irving
Sun Aug 09 19:01:47 -0700 2009
4931763
24492
jumpingmonk
1
4654889
What do old people taste like? Depends.
Mon May 04 23:08:24 -0700 2009
4630545
23858
Honeychan
1
4656189
Guy walks into a bar one day, sits down at the bar, and places a full size head on the counter next to him.
The startled bartenders asks him "what is that?" The man replies that it is his son, and his name was just Head. He was born with only a head, nothing else. He said his son just turned 21 and he wanted to buy him his first beer. He explained to the bartender that over the years Head had a rich full life, even a job over the summers at a hot dog stand at the beach. The boss would just place him by the checkout window, and Head would offer customers, "ketchup, mustard, onions" rolling his eyes in the proper direction.
The bartender listened with amazement as he tapped the young man his first beer. He placed the beer on the counter, with a straw, and Head took his first sip. Suddenly, after swallowing, there was a loud poof, and a single arm popped out from beneath his neck. After the second sip, another poof, and a second arm appeared. Excited, the boy took another sip and instantly he had a chest. After repeated sips, he gained a waist and finally two complete legs.
Happy as you'd imagine, Head and his father embraced for the first time. Then Head, his dad, and the bartender each lifted a glass in celebration for the miracle that had just occurred. But after this final sip, there was another loud poof, and the boy suddenly disappeared completely. In shock the dad looks over at the bartender, who said to him quietly, "Shoulda quit while he was ahead".
Tue May 05 11:08:51 -0700 2009
4630545
243273
pacheeseguy
2
4656348
Awesome!
Tue May 05 11:47:51 -0700 2009
4656189
116513
linguafood
2
4658108
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. The bartender slowly draws a beer from the tap, staring intently at his customer the whole time. The man asks, in an irritated tone, "What are you staring at?" The bartender replies, " Your head is the size of a grapefruit, I've never seen such a thing. " The man says" Well, I had some bad luck. I was walking on the beach, when I found a large seashell. Upon rubbing it, a gorgeous, sexy genie appears and tells me I can have one wish, but she absolutely, positively will not grant a wish asking for sexual intercourse with her. I thought for a moment and said " Well, how about a little head.""
Tue May 05 22:34:54 -0700 2009
4656189
32941
Rmis32
1
4656554
A very drunk man pays his bill at bar and gets off the stool to leave.
Boom, he falls down flat on floor. He says to himself, Wow, I’m drunk.
So he drags himself over to door and pulls himself up.
He opens the door, goes through, and pulls the down
behind him. Then he lets go and steps onto the sidewalk.
And again, boom, he’s on the ground.
He says to himself, Oh crap, I’ve really overdone it this time.
Then he sees a nearby light pole, crawls over to it and pulls himself up again.
And he lets go and falls flat another time.
Well, he thinks to himself, it’s only a few blocks,
and between the parking meters and the lightpoles,
I should be able to get home soon enough.
So off he goes, crawling, pulling himself up,
and falling each time he tries to step away.
Finally he gets to his home, pulls himself to the
door and bangs on it. His wife opens door, looks down
at him and says, "You idiot, you forgot your wheelchair again."
Tue May 05 12:42:46 -0700 2009
4630545
243273
pacheeseguy
1
4656672
True story.
I was in a painting class working on a still life. The instructor came by and said to me "nice pear." I squeezed my boobies and said "that's what all the boys say!"
Tue May 05 13:16:29 -0700 2009
4630545
50613
weezycom
1
4656864
Recently widowed Mildred is visiting her friend Agnes at the the shore. As they gaze at the waves, Mildred sheepishly says "Agnes, I miss my husband so much. You've been a widow for some time, now. Tell me, do you ever get 'the urge' and what do you do about it?"
Agnes replies "Well, yes Mildred, I do get 'the urge' sometimes. But then I just suck on a Lifesaver, and it passes."
Mildred glances down, disappointed. "That's fine for you, but not everybody can have a house on the beach."
Tue May 05 14:05:38 -0700 2009
4630545
23675
phofiend
1
4662791
A skeleton walks into a bar and says: Get me a beer and a towel.
Thu May 07 10:03:35 -0700 2009
4630545
200143
agoldman
2
4662826
Smeek!
Thu May 07 10:12:28 -0700 2009
4662791
14386
BobB
2
4662944
Look 8 messages up...it is a repeat.
You everyone a round.
Thu May 07 10:38:06 -0700 2009
4662791
259263
bigfellow
1
4664594
My favorite is by comedian Bill Bailey... about 2.5 minutes long:
"Anyway, God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit go into a pub…"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2UAh7jP9jk
There's a transcript of a different version that I liked better when Bailey delivered it, but couldn't find a video of it:
http://maerad.livejournal.com/43082.html
Thu May 07 19:21:35 -0700 2009
4630545
40486
Cinnamon
1
4665155
Well, here's an old chestnut that's been around:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xDowTz8-Vno
Fri May 08 04:29:05 -0700 2009
4630545
148845
scoopG
1
4666057
What do you find in a monster's BBQ grill?
Ghoul-ash
Fri May 08 09:21:38 -0700 2009
4630545
50613
weezycom
1
4666297
Joe was beginning to think his wife was getting hard of hearing so he did a test.
He stood 20' behind her and in a normal voice asked "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response
Again at 10'
No response
Again at 5'
No response
Right behind her ear......
Wife turns and says "Joe, for the fourth time CHICKEN!!!!"
Fri May 08 10:36:25 -0700 2009
4630545
251167
billieboy
1
4666445
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9! (My 7 year old Nephew's favorite joke)
Fri May 08 11:16:38 -0700 2009
4630545
108169
Servorg
1
4666593
I actually overheard this, years ago, in a TsimShaTsui (Kowloon, Hong Kong) restaurant called Jimmy's Kitchen:
A table of Scandinavian-looking men had been eating dinner behind us when another 'Scandinavian'-looking man walked in and over to their table. The seated group seemed to know him and we heard him say: "Are you finished?" Believe it or not, the reply was: "No, we're Swedish..... but you can sit and join us anyway."
:o)
Fri May 08 12:00:21 -0700 2009
4630545
11405
Midlife
2
4677491
In regard to the upper post, the man walks over to the table, slips and falls into the lap of one of the diners. "I forgot to mention" he says "I'm a Laplander."
But anyway, I think this is true. Some fellow was so fussy about his eggs that he bought an egg timer, and, when he ordered bioled aggs in a restaurant, insisted that the chef use it.
In one restaurant, he orders two 4-minute eggs, and gives the timer to the waiter. More than four minutes elapses, and no eggs. Finally, he goes into the kitchen, and there are two eggs, boiling away, and the egg timer boiling in the pot along wiht them.
Tue May 12 13:22:23 -0700 2009
4666593
54222
ekammin
1
4917609
It has been a while since this thread had anything new so.............................
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Tue Aug 04 16:08:54 -0700 2009
4630545
259263
bigfellow
2
4918794
http://books.google.com/books?id=c3ETv37GqfcC&dq=%22eats+shoots+and+leaves%22&printsec=frontcover&source=bn&hl=en&ei=03h5SpfSLcqntge_htGWCQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=4#v=onepage&q=%22eats%20shoots%20and%20leaves%22&f=false
Wed Aug 05 05:31:00 -0700 2009
4917609
14386
BobB
3
4918934
That's a great little book; it's the grammatic equivalent of Chow, just replace the joy of food with the joy of punctuation. To some that will be incomprehensible. To the others, I recommend this book.
Wed Aug 05 06:36:42 -0700 2009
4918794
154622
Paulustrious
1
4925966
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar............It could happen.
Fri Aug 07 09:23:06 -0700 2009
4630545
28638
phantomdoc
2
4925977
HA HA HA !!
I love these!!
Fri Aug 07 09:28:10 -0700 2009
4925966
174753
NellyNel
2
4925988
I believe walk would be an incorrect choice of verb. How about reel, or stagger or stumble or wobble or lurch or crawl or possibly blunder, bumble, careen, fall, falter, flounder, hesitate, limp, lose their balance, lumber, lurch, muddle, pitch,shuffle, tilt, topple, totter, trip, wallow, or even waver? ;-D>
Fri Aug 07 09:31:49 -0700 2009
4925966
108169
Servorg
1
4926110
Seamus runs a liquor store near the only convent in his small town. One day a young novice walks through his door and up to his counter.
"Why, Sister Mary Ignacius! What are you, an upstanding young woman of the Lord, doing in my shop, a den of the demon rum?"
The young nun looks at him sincerely and says, "Seamus, sir, I would like to buy a bottle of bourbon."
Seamus is aghast, "No, Sister! I cannot in good conscience sell you a bottle of bourbon, for it goes against the very fiber of your life's calling!"
"You see, Mr. Flannery, it's for the Mother Superior."
At this, Seamus becomes livid, "Oh, for the Mother Superior, is it? And what use does she have for this stuff which rots society? And you better understand that anything you tell me I will readily recount to the Monsignor!"
Sister Mary Ignacius looks around, lowers her voice and leans in to say, "No, Seamus. It's for her constipation."
Seamus immediately abases himself, "Oh! I am so sorry, Sister, to ever doubt the strength of your faith. Here, take this fifth of bourbon for the Mother Superior with my compliments."
So Sister Mary Ignacius thanks Seamus graciously, tucks the brown paper bag into her habit, and discreetly leaves the store.
Later, at closing time, Seamus gets his hat and coat, flips the sign to "CLOSED" and locks up. On his way home he passes the convent, where there is quite a crowd gathered at the gate. Naturally curious, he makes his way to the front of the crowd to see what's the spectacle and his eyes land on Sister Mary Ignacius, naked but for her veil, dancing about the courtyard singing off-color limericks and drinking songs.
"SISTER!" Seamus yells, "What are you doing?! You told me the bourbon was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"
"Oh it is, Seamus," she slurred, "When she sees me, she's going to shit!"
Fri Aug 07 10:11:02 -0700 2009
4630545
198226
funklight
1
4926299
Four women were quietly sitting in a restaurant.
Fri Aug 07 11:03:52 -0700 2009
4630545
262680
margshep
2
4926444
Four Jewish women are sitting in a restaurant. The waiter comes by and asks, Is anything alright?
A elderly Jewish man has been eating dinner in the same restaurant every Friday night for the last 11 years. He always orders matzah ball soup and roast chicken. One one night he calls for the waiter, who is his regular server and they know each other by last name.
Cohen, I want you to taste the soup.
Ginsberg, Why do you want that? It's the same soup you get every Friday for the last 11 years. I don't want to taste the soup.
I am the customer and I demand that you taste the soup, right now!
OK I will taste the soup, where is the spoon?
Ah Ha!
Fri Aug 07 11:53:41 -0700 2009
4926299
28638
phantomdoc
3
4928200
a man walks into a deli and sits at a table
the waitress comes over and asks him what he wants
he says I'll start with some chopped liver. She yells to the kitchen 'one chopped liver'
then he says next I'll have chicken soup. So she yells over her shoulder to the kitchen
'one chicken soup'
he says, on second thoughts I'll have pea soup.
So she shouts 'make the chicken pea'
he says 'I'll pass on the soup, thanks'.
Sat Aug 08 06:21:55 -0700 2009
4926444
22559
smartie
1
4927668
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender sees him and yells "GET OUT!! We don't serve your kind here".
The mushroom says "Why not? I'm a fungi"
Fri Aug 07 19:47:03 -0700 2009
4630545
227190
pickledtink
2
4927680
I lichen that one...
Fri Aug 07 19:52:39 -0700 2009
4927668
108169
Servorg
3
4927823
Thanks! As it turns out, there is one place where a vegetable can grab a drink:
The Salad Bar!
Fri Aug 07 21:33:59 -0700 2009
4927680
227190
pickledtink
4
4928132
We use the term Honeymoon Salad for just lettuce alone.
Sat Aug 08 05:33:27 -0700 2009
4927823
154622
Paulustrious
3
5072585
Ha Ha! Great answer!
Thu Oct 01 11:25:41 -0700 2009
4927680
197801
soxlover
2
4928008
And why did the fungi end up leaving the bar? There wasn't mushroom.
Sat Aug 08 02:02:01 -0700 2009
4927668
116513
linguafood
1
4930163
A Methodist preacher, a Catholic priest, and a Jewish rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"
Sun Aug 09 05:29:54 -0700 2009
4630545
12296
steakman55
1
4931871
guy walks into a bar with his dog. he bets the bartender that he can give his dog $5 and the dog will go out get him a newspaper, and bring him the change. Bartender takes the bet, and out goes the dog.
15 minutes pass.
half an hour
an hour
the guy is freaking out. he says " i have to go find my dog" he leaves the bar and looks everywhere for the dog, ho he finally finds screwing a french poodle in an alley.
he asks the dog "what are you doing? you never did anything like this before!"
dog says " never had 5 bucks before"
Sun Aug 09 19:23:07 -0700 2009
4630545
135229
thew
2
4932511
Love it!
Mon Aug 10 06:37:07 -0700 2009
4931871
13709
buttertart
1
4931947
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."
Sun Aug 09 20:12:43 -0700 2009
4630545
221285
therealdoctorlew
2
4933048
A friend of mine, who works as an chemist, recently came up with a nitrogen based salt substitute which he named "N-salt" and which has become quite popular among the local resturaunts who find it very uesful. However recently there have been some complaints from the local Ethiopian resturaunt, it seems they were using it in their injera (flatbread) but evertime the served this bread to thier patrons they becme very angry, left in a huff, and never returned. They've stopped using it but they can't seem to get any of thier patrons back and it's been real trouble for them. Of course I could have told them not to do it in the first place, eveyone knows people get sore when you add N-salt to injera.
Mon Aug 10 09:21:03 -0700 2009
4931947
24492
jumpingmonk
1
4950717
From the real wew.
Waiter comes to the table with a full tray and says, "Who ordered the tea in a clean cup?"
Sun Aug 16 11:05:27 -0700 2009
4630545
20276
wew
1
4975801
An elderly man is lying on his death bed. His son comes to him and asks, Pop is there anything I can do for you to make you more comfortable? He says that I can smell that your mother is baking her famous apple strudel. I would like to taste it once more before I die. The son leaves and returns 5 minutes later. The father asks, Where is the strudel? The son says...
Mom says it's for after the funeral.
Tue Aug 25 08:51:45 -0700 2009
4630545
28638
phantomdoc
2
4975965
Love it - I'm going to use that one.
Tue Aug 25 09:33:28 -0700 2009
4975801
154622
Paulustrious
3
4975981
Oldie but goody.
Tue Aug 25 09:37:50 -0700 2009
4975965
28638
phantomdoc
2
4975977
That is one of the best jokes ever.
Tue Aug 25 09:37:14 -0700 2009
4975801
13709
buttertart
1
5024546
An epicure dining at Crewe
Found quite a large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter; "Don't shout,
and wave it about,
or the rest will be wanting one too."
Sat Sep 12 09:51:54 -0700 2009
4630545
105625
EWSflash
2
5024645
lol...I read the following 40 years ago somewhere and it stuck in my head for no good reason:
From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews,
There is really abominable news:
They've discovered a head
In the box for the bread,
But nobody seems to know whose.
Sat Sep 12 10:41:34 -0700 2009
5024546
108169
Servorg
3
5024970
There was a young lady from Ride
Who ate a green apple and died.
The apple fermented
Within the lamented,
Making cider inside 'er inside.
Sat Sep 12 13:39:43 -0700 2009
5024645
221285
therealdoctorlew
3
5025061
That's another one from Edward Gorey's "The Listing Attic" here's a third
A man of great Acument and daring
Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring
Was left quite alone
When one day it was shown
That thier use at his board was unsparing.
Sat Sep 12 14:23:08 -0700 2009
5024645
24492
jumpingmonk
4
5028583
There once was a lady named Perkins
Who simply dotted on gherkins
In spite of advice
She ate so much spice
That it pickled her internal workins.
Mon Sep 14 09:42:33 -0700 2009
5025061
28638
phantomdoc
1
5031110
A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,
And finally they got married, and had a little sweet
potato, which they
Called
'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts
of life.
They warned her about going out
and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and
get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and
end up with a bunch of
Tater
Tots
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get
her into the sack and Make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she
Wouldn't stay home
and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get
Plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her
Shoestring
Cousins.
When she went off to
Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam
To watch out
for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .
And the
Greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And
when she went out West,
To
watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and
narrow
And
wouldn't
associate
with
those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other
Side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all
the trucks that say,
'Frito Lay.'
Mr. And
Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's
Potato
University ) so that when she graduated she'd really
Be
in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for
her, one-day Yam came home
And announced she was
going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr And
Mrs.
Potato were very upset.
They
told
Yam she couldn't
possibly
Marry
Tom Brokaw
Because he's just.......
Are you
ready for this?
Are
you sure?
*
*
OK!
Here it is!
*
*
*
*
A
COMMONTATER
Tue Sep 15 07:57:03 -0700 2009
4630545
262680
margshep
1
5046859
A thief, a lair, and a politician walk into a bar. And that's just the first guy!
Mon Sep 21 13:33:41 -0700 2009
4630545
199612
Fritish
1
5064384
A biker rides up to lonely pub in the middle of nowhere. He walks in, sits down, and sees a sign behind the bar that reads:
Cold Beer $3.00
Hamburger $3.00
Cheeseburger $3.50
Handjobs $50.00
He calls over the fantastically beautiful barmaid and asks, "Say, are you the one who gives the handjobs?" She smiles slyly and replies, "Why, yes, I am." The biker says, "Well go wash your hands then, because I want a Cheeseburger."
Mon Sep 28 11:41:04 -0700 2009
4630545
186241
loomco
2
5064402
You might want to link this to the latest NAF thread "when you see unhygienic practices...?" ;-D>
(and it was very funny by the way...still chuckling...)
Mon Sep 28 11:45:47 -0700 2009
5064384
108169
Servorg
1
5064478
A man walks into a diner and looks at the menu. He orders some eggs benedict. He watches other people's food come out on the classic heavy white diner china. Imagine his surprise when his order arrives: it's plunked on his table in a shiny hubcap!
He asks his waiter "What gives?"
The waiter smiles at him and sings,
"There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
Mon Sep 28 12:09:58 -0700 2009
4630545
59951
thinks too much
1
5066331
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one,'"replied the man. He turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Tue Sep 29 06:49:20 -0700 2009
4630545
23675
phofiend
2
5066695
LOL
Tue Sep 29 09:07:02 -0700 2009
5066331
71113
Delucacheesemonger
1
5072568
It's not about food but it IS really true....Tourist is leaving restaurant where I worked and asked directions. I started to give him detailed directions when he cut me off and said "but wait, I'M BACKED IN!" You can't make this stuff up! :-)
Thu Oct 01 11:21:39 -0700 2009
4630545
197801
soxlover
2
5081456
My apologies in advance for anyone who finds this joke offensive or un PC
"Did you hear about the Chef who was diagnosed with Munchausen by Proxy? First he would beat the eggs, then he would coddle them."
Mon Oct 05 19:15:20 -0700 2009
5072568
24492
jumpingmonk