guy walks by a farm and sees a three-legged pig. asks the farmer, "what's the story with this pig?" farmer says, "this pig saved our lives! this pig woke us all up from a sound sleep when our home was on fire, and dragged my kids out of their burning beds. we love this pig!" guy goes, "did he lose his leg in the fire?" farmer says, "no, but you don't expect us to eat him all at once, do you?"
not for the squeamish.
A man walks into a fine Parisian restaurant for dinner. The decor is elegant and the ambience is sophisticated, with soft lighting and beautiful music playing softly in the background. The waiter approaches him, with a linen napkin draped over his forearm and asks " What would monsieur like to eat this evening?" The man orders the onion soup and it is quickly brought to him, with a rich aroma and a layer of golden cheese melted across the top. The presentation is wonderful, but the diner notices that the waiter's thumb is sticking into the bowl, right into his soup. He decides not to say anything and enjoys the soup, thinking it is incredibly good. For the next course, he orders the Boeuf Bourguignon and again he receives a beautifully plated dish and again, the waiters thumb is sticking into the sauce. A side order of creamed spinach, a warm plum pudding dessert, each with that thumb right in the food.
As the customer is finishing the meal, the waiter comes over and asks " How was you dinner, monsieur?" The man looks up at him and says " The restaurant design is quite chic, the food was extraordinary, probably the best I've ever eaten and the service..." The waiter detects some hesitation and asks "Was there something wrong, monsieur? I pride myself on gracious, efficient service." The gentleman replied "Oh, you were gracious and you were efficient all right, but when you brought the soup, I noticed your thumb was in it, the boeuf - again with the thumb, spinach - more thumb, the pudding -that damn thumb again. This is such a classy place, how could you do such a thing?" The waiter looked at him sheepishly and replied " Well, if you must know, my thumb is infected and the doctor advised me to keep it warm, as much as possible." The man exploded "Infected thumb, you son of a bitch, you wanna keep it warm, shove it up your ass!"
The waiter protested "Monsieur, I do that in the kitchen, but in the dining room, it doesn't look nice."
A Frenchman, German man, Scotsman, Italian man, Brazilian, Chinaman, Englishman, American, Japanese, Indian, Kenyan, Irishman, Welshman, Icelandic man, Australian and a Belgian man walk into a bar.
The barman says 'Sorry gents, you can't come in here without a Thai'.
A group of 40 year old buddies discuss where they should go for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice figures.
Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the guys once again discuss where they should dine. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is excellent.
Ten years later at 60 years of age, the guys once again discuss where they should dine. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the guys once again discuss where they should dine. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the guys once again discuss where they should dine. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they have never been there before.
An elderly couple are always squabbling because the husband is getting forgetful and the wife is always nagging him to write things down. One evening as they're watching TV, the husband says he's going into the kitchen for a cup of coffee and does she want anything.
"Yes, I'd like some ice cream. Oh, and put some of those little sprinkles on top and .. Oh wait, you'd better write this down."
"I don't need to write it down. Anything else?"
"A little bit of chocolate sauce would be good. Are you sure you don't need to write this down?"
"NO!!! I'm not senile you know."
The husband is gone for about 15 minutes before returning with a plate of bacon and scrambled eggs for his wife. She looks at the plate and then, pityingly, at him. "See? I told you that you should have written it down. WHERE'S MY TOAST????"
A man is flying from Los Angeles to New York. During the meal service, he
accidentally knocked the spoon off to the aisle with his elbow. The flight
attendant immediately took a spoon from his pocket and placed it on his
traytable. The man was very impressed by the promptness of the service and
asked, "Do all flight attendants carry a spoon in their pockets?"
The flight attendant answered, "We had an efficiency expert in to evaluate
our operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off
their traytables. By carrying a spare spoon, we all save trips to the
galley and can be much more efficient."
Later, as the flight attendant is picking his dirty tray up, the customer
asked, "Excuse me for asking but why do you have a string hanging from
The flight attendant replied, "The efficiency expert determined that we
were spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the
bathroom. To counteract this, we tie strings to our penises."
The customer looked confused. "How does that help?" he asked.
"Well, when I go to the bathroom 1 just use the string. Since I never touched myself I don't need to wash my hands."
The customer nodded and asked, "But how do you get it back in your pants?"
The flight attendant smiled, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use
This guy walks into a bar, sits down, orders a beer. Barman serves it up, says, "Welcome back, bud."
Guy says, "I'm sorry, do I know you?"
Barman says, "Sure, you look awful familiar."
Guy says, "Actually, I've never been in here before."
Barman says, "No, I'm sure I know you."
Guy says, "Well, I'm from out of town, and this is my first visit to your fine city."
Barman says, "Honest, I swear, I seen you somewhere."
Guy says, "Well, maybe you could have seen me in another bar in another town, but I just started drinking for the first time in my life this week, so it's unlikely."
Barman says, "You on the TV or somethin'?"
Guy says, "No, I'm not a celebrity of any kind, never been on TV in my life."
Bartender slaps his forehead, says, "Wait! I got it! You're the guy in the joke with no punchline!"
Guy picks up his beer, takes a long swallow, and says, "Why, yes -- I am."
a few months ago, at a party I probably pulled off the WORST pun ever. There was a contest to see who could com up with the best visual pun. whne my turn came up I went over to the beer collection (the person at who house the part was being held collected sealed antique beer cans and bottles) from which I took two bottles of Dunkel and two cans of Billy Beer I then went over to the wet bar and mixed up a zombie cocktail. While there I als pored a glass of Iced tea from the pitcher there (for those who werent drinking) finally it took a plate and on it put some slices of proscuitto from the canape table. I then laid these out in a row making sure that the two bottles of Dunkel were touching each other as were the two beer cans. I then pronounced my pun done. when asked what it was I sand out "Bock to Bock, Billy to Billy with a Zombie, ham and tea!"
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one,'"replied the man. He turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
A man walks into a diner and looks at the menu. He orders some eggs benedict. He watches other people's food come out on the classic heavy white diner china. Imagine his surprise when his order arrives: it's plunked on his table in a shiny hubcap!
He asks his waiter "What gives?"
The waiter smiles at him and sings,
"There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
A biker rides up to lonely pub in the middle of nowhere. He walks in, sits down, and sees a sign behind the bar that reads:
Cold Beer $3.00
He calls over the fantastically beautiful barmaid and asks, "Say, are you the one who gives the handjobs?" She smiles slyly and replies, "Why, yes, I am." The biker says, "Well go wash your hands then, because I want a Cheeseburger."
A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,
And finally they got married, and had a little sweet
potato, which they
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts
They warned her about going out
and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and
get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and
end up with a bunch of
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get
her into the sack and Make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she
Wouldn't stay home
and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get
Plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her
When she went off to
Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam
To watch out
for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .
Greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And
when she went out West,
watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and
those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other
Side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all
the trucks that say,
Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's
University ) so that when she graduated she'd really
in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for
her, one-day Yam came home
And announced she was
going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Potato were very upset.
Yam she couldn't
Because he's just.......
ready for this?
Here it is!
An elderly man is lying on his death bed. His son comes to him and asks, Pop is there anything I can do for you to make you more comfortable? He says that I can smell that your mother is baking her famous apple strudel. I would like to taste it once more before I die. The son leaves and returns 5 minutes later. The father asks, Where is the strudel? The son says...
Mom says it's for after the funeral.
A friend of mine, who works as an chemist, recently came up with a nitrogen based salt substitute which he named "N-salt" and which has become quite popular among the local resturaunts who find it very uesful. However recently there have been some complaints from the local Ethiopian resturaunt, it seems they were using it in their injera (flatbread) but evertime the served this bread to thier patrons they becme very angry, left in a huff, and never returned. They've stopped using it but they can't seem to get any of thier patrons back and it's been real trouble for them. Of course I could have told them not to do it in the first place, eveyone knows people get sore when you add N-salt to injera.
guy walks into a bar with his dog. he bets the bartender that he can give his dog $5 and the dog will go out get him a newspaper, and bring him the change. Bartender takes the bet, and out goes the dog.
15 minutes pass.
half an hour
the guy is freaking out. he says " i have to go find my dog" he leaves the bar and looks everywhere for the dog, ho he finally finds screwing a french poodle in an alley.
he asks the dog "what are you doing? you never did anything like this before!"
dog says " never had 5 bucks before"
Four Jewish women are sitting in a restaurant. The waiter comes by and asks, Is anything alright?
A elderly Jewish man has been eating dinner in the same restaurant every Friday night for the last 11 years. He always orders matzah ball soup and roast chicken. One one night he calls for the waiter, who is his regular server and they know each other by last name.
Cohen, I want you to taste the soup.
Ginsberg, Why do you want that? It's the same soup you get every Friday for the last 11 years. I don't want to taste the soup.
I am the customer and I demand that you taste the soup, right now!
OK I will taste the soup, where is the spoon?
a man walks into a deli and sits at a table
the waitress comes over and asks him what he wants
he says I'll start with some chopped liver. She yells to the kitchen 'one chopped liver'
then he says next I'll have chicken soup. So she yells over her shoulder to the kitchen
'one chicken soup'
he says, on second thoughts I'll have pea soup.
So she shouts 'make the chicken pea'
he says 'I'll pass on the soup, thanks'.
Seamus runs a liquor store near the only convent in his small town. One day a young novice walks through his door and up to his counter.
"Why, Sister Mary Ignacius! What are you, an upstanding young woman of the Lord, doing in my shop, a den of the demon rum?"
The young nun looks at him sincerely and says, "Seamus, sir, I would like to buy a bottle of bourbon."
Seamus is aghast, "No, Sister! I cannot in good conscience sell you a bottle of bourbon, for it goes against the very fiber of your life's calling!"
"You see, Mr. Flannery, it's for the Mother Superior."
At this, Seamus becomes livid, "Oh, for the Mother Superior, is it? And what use does she have for this stuff which rots society? And you better understand that anything you tell me I will readily recount to the Monsignor!"
Sister Mary Ignacius looks around, lowers her voice and leans in to say, "No, Seamus. It's for her constipation."
Seamus immediately abases himself, "Oh! I am so sorry, Sister, to ever doubt the strength of your faith. Here, take this fifth of bourbon for the Mother Superior with my compliments."
So Sister Mary Ignacius thanks Seamus graciously, tucks the brown paper bag into her habit, and discreetly leaves the store.
Later, at closing time, Seamus gets his hat and coat, flips the sign to "CLOSED" and locks up. On his way home he passes the convent, where there is quite a crowd gathered at the gate. Naturally curious, he makes his way to the front of the crowd to see what's the spectacle and his eyes land on Sister Mary Ignacius, naked but for her veil, dancing about the courtyard singing off-color limericks and drinking songs.
"SISTER!" Seamus yells, "What are you doing?! You told me the bourbon was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"
"Oh it is, Seamus," she slurred, "When she sees me, she's going to shit!"
I believe walk would be an incorrect choice of verb. How about reel, or stagger or stumble or wobble or lurch or crawl or possibly blunder, bumble, careen, fall, falter, flounder, hesitate, limp, lose their balance, lumber, lurch, muddle, pitch,shuffle, tilt, topple, totter, trip, wallow, or even waver? ;-D>
Not too worry...we all live to rue hitting the "post my reply" button now and again (if you don't you're just not trying hard enough). And I was kidding with my reply...basically pointing out the "impossibility" of the act of walking ever occurring in that situation and offering a few alternatives...knowing that the joke was in the unlikely scenario presented...
It has been a while since this thread had anything new so.............................
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
I actually overheard this, years ago, in a TsimShaTsui (Kowloon, Hong Kong) restaurant called Jimmy's Kitchen:
A table of Scandinavian-looking men had been eating dinner behind us when another 'Scandinavian'-looking man walked in and over to their table. The seated group seemed to know him and we heard him say: "Are you finished?" Believe it or not, the reply was: "No, we're Swedish..... but you can sit and join us anyway."
In regard to the upper post, the man walks over to the table, slips and falls into the lap of one of the diners. "I forgot to mention" he says "I'm a Laplander."
But anyway, I think this is true. Some fellow was so fussy about his eggs that he bought an egg timer, and, when he ordered bioled aggs in a restaurant, insisted that the chef use it.
In one restaurant, he orders two 4-minute eggs, and gives the timer to the waiter. More than four minutes elapses, and no eggs. Finally, he goes into the kitchen, and there are two eggs, boiling away, and the egg timer boiling in the pot along wiht them.
Joe was beginning to think his wife was getting hard of hearing so he did a test.
He stood 20' behind her and in a normal voice asked "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again at 10'
Again at 5'
Right behind her ear......
Wife turns and says "Joe, for the fourth time CHICKEN!!!!"
My favorite is by comedian Bill Bailey... about 2.5 minutes long:
"Anyway, God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit go into a pub…"
There's a transcript of a different version that I liked better when Bailey delivered it, but couldn't find a video of it:
Recently widowed Mildred is visiting her friend Agnes at the the shore. As they gaze at the waves, Mildred sheepishly says "Agnes, I miss my husband so much. You've been a widow for some time, now. Tell me, do you ever get 'the urge' and what do you do about it?"
Agnes replies "Well, yes Mildred, I do get 'the urge' sometimes. But then I just suck on a Lifesaver, and it passes."
Mildred glances down, disappointed. "That's fine for you, but not everybody can have a house on the beach."
A first grade teacher was teaching her class flavors. She opened packages of lifesavers for the children to taste. First she gave out green lifesavers and asked the students, "what flavor are these?" "Lime", the children called out in unison. "Good" said the teacher and then handed out red lifesavers. "Cherry" sang out the children. "Very good, children", said the teacher and she then proceeded to hand out amber colored lifesavers. The students were stumped. The teacher, realizing that these honey lifesavers were more difficult to recognize she said "I'll give you a hint. The name of this flavor is something your mom might call your dad."
Suddenly one girl screeched , as she spit out her lifesaver "Oh my G-d, they're assholes!"
A very drunk man pays his bill at bar and gets off the stool to leave.
Boom, he falls down flat on floor. He says to himself, Wow, I’m drunk.
So he drags himself over to door and pulls himself up.
He opens the door, goes through, and pulls the down
behind him. Then he lets go and steps onto the sidewalk.
And again, boom, he’s on the ground.
He says to himself, Oh crap, I’ve really overdone it this time.
Then he sees a nearby light pole, crawls over to it and pulls himself up again.
And he lets go and falls flat another time.
Well, he thinks to himself, it’s only a few blocks,
and between the parking meters and the lightpoles,
I should be able to get home soon enough.
So off he goes, crawling, pulling himself up,
and falling each time he tries to step away.
Finally he gets to his home, pulls himself to the
door and bangs on it. His wife opens door, looks down
at him and says, "You idiot, you forgot your wheelchair again."
Guy walks into a bar one day, sits down at the bar, and places a full size head on the counter next to him.
The startled bartenders asks him "what is that?" The man replies that it is his son, and his name was just Head. He was born with only a head, nothing else. He said his son just turned 21 and he wanted to buy him his first beer. He explained to the bartender that over the years Head had a rich full life, even a job over the summers at a hot dog stand at the beach. The boss would just place him by the checkout window, and Head would offer customers, "ketchup, mustard, onions" rolling his eyes in the proper direction.
The bartender listened with amazement as he tapped the young man his first beer. He placed the beer on the counter, with a straw, and Head took his first sip. Suddenly, after swallowing, there was a loud poof, and a single arm popped out from beneath his neck. After the second sip, another poof, and a second arm appeared. Excited, the boy took another sip and instantly he had a chest. After repeated sips, he gained a waist and finally two complete legs.
Happy as you'd imagine, Head and his father embraced for the first time. Then Head, his dad, and the bartender each lifted a glass in celebration for the miracle that had just occurred. But after this final sip, there was another loud poof, and the boy suddenly disappeared completely. In shock the dad looks over at the bartender, who said to him quietly, "Shoulda quit while he was ahead".
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. The bartender slowly draws a beer from the tap, staring intently at his customer the whole time. The man asks, in an irritated tone, "What are you staring at?" The bartender replies, " Your head is the size of a grapefruit, I've never seen such a thing. " The man says" Well, I had some bad luck. I was walking on the beach, when I found a large seashell. Upon rubbing it, a gorgeous, sexy genie appears and tells me I can have one wish, but she absolutely, positively will not grant a wish asking for sexual intercourse with her. I thought for a moment and said " Well, how about a little head.""
Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other " Does this taste funny to you?
John & Joe were two cannibals having dinner. John notices that his friend isn't eating, just pushing the food around with his fork. John says to Joe "What's the matter, you're not eating? Joe replies " It's my mother-in-law, I really dislike her." John replies " Then just eat the noodles."
An Israeli decides to go into business and looks around Israel for something innovative. He realises that there are very few good cheese suppliers so he travels the world and finally decides on the selection of cheeses he will wholesale to restaurants and delis in Israel.
Obviously his business needs a name and he thinks and thinks and comes up with
'Cheeses of Nazareth'.
That reminds me of what we say when we have a whole beef tenderloin and want to credit all of what went into making it what it was, the grass the cow ate, the source of energy for that grass, and the tenderlion itslef in its coating of herbs and olive oil
"In the name of the fodder, the sun and the oily roast"
A guy is sitting at the bar drinking, when he hears a tiny voice "hey, nice tie!" He looks around confused, but sees noone. A few minutes later, the same voice "love your suit!" Once again, he glances around puzzled. Again (3 times for any joke, eh?), the little voice says "great haircut!"
He finally gets the bartender's attention and asks what that's all about. The bartender replies "oh, that. that's the peanuts. they're complimentary."
And my fave: A horse walks into the bar. Says the bartender "why the long face?"
Guy walks into a bar with a little version of himself on his shoulder and asks for a beer. The little one jumps onto the bar, knocks over the beer, pisses in the peanuts, and thows the napkins on the floor. The barternder asks, "What's with him?". Guy says, "I'm walking on the beach and find a lamp with a genie inside. The genie said that if I'd rub the lamp and let him out, he'd grant me a wish. So I wished for a 10 inch prick".
re: Sam Fujisaka
Following the genie thread:
Bob and Pete are in a fishing boat that sinks. They manage to make it to a small life raft where they cling to life over several days. As they are floating along Bob notices a small bottle bobbing in the waves. He grabs it, rubs it and out pops a genie who says he will grant them one wish. Quick as a wink Pete blurts out, "I wish the entire ocean were Guinness beer!".
"Pete, you idiot!!", says Bob. "Now we're gonna have to pee in the boat."
Man walks into a bar, and orders a martini. Bartender prepares it and puts it on the counter. Man stands back three feet, and stares fixedly at it for two minutes, then suddenly reaches forward, snatches the glass, and drains it all in one fluid motion. He waits two minutes, orders another, and repeats the process. This goes on for two more drinks, and the bartender can't contain himself any longer. "Say," he says, "You have a pretty unique style of drinking your martinis; is there a story behind that?".
"Yes" the customer replies "I had a terrible accident once."
"Oh? What happened?"
"I knocked one over with my elbow".
There once was a chef who took pride in obtaining only the freshest, most seasonal ingredients. When the morels were up in the Midwest, off he went to the backwoods of Missouri for the freshest, the tastiest, mushrooms. When wild blueberries were ripe in the state of Maine, he was on the first plane to Portland to obtain the freshest berries. One day he received a call that the scrod were running off the Atlantic Coast. He took the first plane, and at the airport rushed to a waiting cab. "Take me," he shouted to the cab driver, "to get scrod!"
"Wow" replied the cab driver, "that's the first time I ever heard that request in the pluperfect subjunctive!"
Hey...nobody said it had to be a GOOD joke.
And yes, I know that there really isn't any such thing as scrod, just a term for 'small, tasty whitefish."
Two famous chefs were competeting for a large cash prize on who could make the tasties fish dish. As the competition progressed it became obvious that both were going to tie, in fact that both were making pretty much the exact same dish. at the last momement one of the chefs put a demi-glace on his dish and won the prize. As the award was presented the losing chef was heard to say "Ah, there but for the glaze of cod go I."
Speaking of fish have you heard that some ancinet seaside communties used to use fish as a form of money, they were amoung the first people to use credit cods.
(this one acually happened to me)
Two people were stiing down to a meal of fish which one of them has caugt that morning in the pond in his backyard. said one to the other "This is pretty good fish" sed the second (the one who had caught them) "It's crappie" Said the first "well if you don't like it I'll be glad to finish it!"
Whats the difference between Italian blue cheese and saying hellow to Medusa and her sisters on a vactaion in Spain
one is gorgonzola and the other is "Hola, gorgons!"
One upon a time there lived in france a man an his wife who made thier living by selling onions. The man and his wife were poor for, while those who did buy from them averred they sold the finest onions to be had in all of France, relitively few knew of thier product. To correct this fact the man wife in a spark of cleverness, came up with an intriging idea. She took one of her dresses, and by long work proceeded to embroider varios advertisments on it for her husband's product. By walking around in this dress she quicky drummed up business for her husband and they soon became immensley wealthy and famous. Whne they died their estate passed to thier nearest living relative, a nephew bor and living in the U.S. who used some of the money to fund a sucessful bid for the Presidency. This rags to rinces story of course aroused much news and admiration in The U.S. so much so that even to this day at least once a year all of the major media sourcest take some time to consider the President's Estate of the Onion Ad-dress.
Every day Paddy O'Riley comes into the same bar and orders 3 beers: 1 for himself and 2 he drinks in honor of his brothers who are back in Ireland. After doing this for many months, Paddy comes in and only orders 2 beers. The bartender, assuming the worst has happened offers his condolences on the loss of a brother. Paddy said, "No, my brothers are fine. I just gave up drinking for Lent".
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "do you have any quackers?"
bartender looks at him and says "no". Duck walks out.
next day, Duck walks into the same bar and asks the same bartender, "do you have any quackers?"
bartender looks at him and says, "NO"
next day, Duck walks in again and asks the bartender "do you have any quackers?"
bartender throws his bar rag down in disgust and says, "NO! if you come in here one more time and ask if we have quackers, im going to nail your feet to the floor!! now get the hell out of here!"
next day, duck walks in and the bartender sees him and says "what did I tell you!!". Duck looks at him and asks "do you have any nails?" bartender looks puzzled and says "no!?" duck then asks " do you have any quackers?"
Okay four bar jokes
Rene Descartes is sitting at a bar with an empty drink. The bar tender says "want another?" Descartes says "I think not" and prompty dissapears.
Julius Ceasar walk up to the bartender and says "Give me a martinus" the bartender says "you mean a martini" Caesar says "listen if I wanted two I would have asked for two!"
A German walk up to the bartender and says "Two martinis mein Herr" the bartender says "Dry?" The german says "Nein, I only want two!"
A man walk into a bat and asks the bartender "do you know how to make an Elephant Shake?" The bartender says "Well, usually I just tell them a mouse just ran by!"
The very opening of Annie Hall, Alvy Singer, talking to the camera:
"There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, 'Boy, the food at this place is really terrible.' The other one says, 'Yeah, I know; and such small portions.' Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly."
Two strings walk into a bar. The bartender says they don't serve strings. The strings walk out, and tie themselves together, then unravel their ends. They walk back in and ask for a drink, and the bartenders says "Aren't you the strings that were just in here?" They reply "No, we're afraid not"