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Malko's: The (Fictional) Life Cycle Of A Chowhound Restaurant

b
BobtheBigPig Apr 16, 2009 12:46 PM

Below is the account of a restaurant's rise, and fall, in Chowhound fame. The nationality and restaurant represented here does not actually exist, and the fact that the food names read like Ikea furniture is simply a product of my modest linguistic skills. Dig in, and please add your own embellishments to the story.

------------------------------------------------------------

1) A small shack bearing the name “Malko’s” opens up on a downtown street behind a Quiznos. It serves Kirgilnix, the apparent signature dish of an almost-unknown third world country.

2) Several months later, the desperate owners are mired in debt as they discover Kirgilnix hasn’t caught on amongst the locals in Topeka. In a last-ditch effort, Malko sells his ceremonial Froddmik hat to pay for a small printing of handbills.

3) A flyer, caught on the breeze, lazily floats by the discerning eye of a local Chowhound. A meal is sampled. A post is made.

4) A small, but steady throng of ‘hounds begin keeping Malko’s alive. Posts and reviews on Chowhound praise the exquisite flavors of Kirgilnix: the dried prunes, the boiled goat, the yak cheese. Soon, expatriates of Malko’s country discover the place and flock to Topeka from three states away.

5) Malko’s has expanded to two tastefully-decorated rooms, always with a small line outside. His sister Borikka and aunt Milkkie have come to America to help with the business, which now has a full menu including Tergit, Gek and Fongil tea.

6) A year later, Malko opens up a new location across town in the suburbs. Local ‘hounds jump for joy at not having to go downtown for a “Kirgilnix fix.” Joyous posts appear. A few, though, warn that the downtown location is really better.

7) Malko’s is mentioned in a local tourist guidebook. Franchises are opened in Kansas City, Cleveland, St Louis, and Chicago. Chowhound reviews are mixed, especially concerning the outflung locations. Meanwhile, Malko and his family, who have emigrated to the U.S. largely in hope of never eating Kirgilnix again, have discovered the joys of the Wendy’s Double.

8) Malko’s is discovered by Rachael Ray, who pronounces it “Totally Yum-O.” Chowhounds begin to scoff. Reviewers claims that Kirgilnix is not really a representative dish of Malko's country, and his version is inauthentic anyway as it doesn’t contain the local melon wine, which for complicated reasons is unfortunately not legal for import as a food substance. Meanwhile, an obsessed Malko attempts to make a square Kirgilnix—like the Wendy’s patty—which is a complete disaster.

9) There is now a Malko’s in 27 airports, 16 malls, and three theme parks nationwide. Combination Malko’s/Wendy’s franchises sprout on turnpikes. Kirgilnix appears in school lunches. To even mention Malko’s on Chowhound would result in eternal banishment from the boards, although the original location in Topeka, now sporting a traditional Tornik temple and t-shirt shoppe, is considered an amusing tourist stop when in the area.

10) Wedged between a Taco Bell and a SuperMalko, a small shack called the Dracula Cafe opens selling Transylvanian food.

  1. g
    Gin n Tonic Apr 16, 2009 01:00 PM

    You owe me a new keyboard.

    2 Replies
    1. re: Gin n Tonic
      hollyd Apr 16, 2009 01:10 PM

      In sunnyside, Queens, there actually is a Dracula Cafe (or something like that.?) that serves Transylvanian food.

      1. re: hollyd
        greygarious Apr 18, 2009 11:20 PM

        http://chowhound.chow.com/topics/247929: Transylvania, aka Dracula's Place

    2. alwayscooking Apr 16, 2009 04:02 PM

      Oh very good!

      Am I allowed to start naming names . . .

      1. s
        small h Apr 16, 2009 10:18 PM

        Right about now, person X should post a query about what to order at Malko's, and person Y should gripe that person X oughta just do a search, for God's sake.

        your friend,
        person Y

        1. n
          nosh Apr 16, 2009 11:07 PM

          Hats off in tribute to an ultimate Chowhound post.

          1. n
            nkeane Apr 17, 2009 12:31 AM

            this really is a primer to how all restaurant specific posts go. Kudos sir!

            the only aspect you forgot is where the orignal owners go and try to start an off-shoot of Malko's, only to be rebuffed by foodies as a pale comparison to the originator!!

            4 Replies
            1. re: nkeane
              l
              Lizard Apr 17, 2009 02:25 AM

              Not to mention the lengthy and heated diatribes as to whether or not Malko's Kirgilnix is really 'authentic'.

              1. re: Lizard
                g
                Gin n Tonic Apr 17, 2009 04:48 AM

                The key is that those lengthy and heated diatribes have to be engaged in by people who have never set foot in said third-world country.

                1. re: Gin n Tonic
                  l
                  Lizard Apr 18, 2009 11:46 AM

                  Or, some have been there (or near by) and proceed to write about how Americans only do touristy things tat only involve eating the hotel's version of Kirgilnix which has been 'dumbed down' for tourists.

                2. re: Lizard
                  jmckee Apr 20, 2009 10:20 AM

                  "Is it authentic?" having replaced "is it good?" as the key question.....

              2. cayjohan Apr 17, 2009 06:04 AM

                Y'know the thread about something that you've never had, but want right now? For me, now, it's the dang Kirgilnix! With melon wine, thank you

                Funny stuff Bob!
                Cay

                1. kubasd Apr 17, 2009 06:16 AM

                  Too funny!! and too true, haha. It really is a cycle, there are few restaurants whose food and/or popularity remain true. And we hounds have a bit to do with that, I'd like to think, lol.

                  1. r
                    RoraCraving Apr 17, 2009 08:57 AM

                    Doesn't Mr. Mal and Mr. Ko have to have an unceremonious parting of ways? While Mr. Mal retains the rights to the name Malko, Mr. Ko is actually the one with the fine culinary taste. Mr. Ko opens his own little bistro out by the countryside where he has also started to locally farm the indigenous ingredients from his native country. It makes every local food critic's "food you have never tried but should" list.

                    1. Bob Martinez Apr 17, 2009 09:23 AM

                      I've long thought that some people award points for things other than the food -

                      * Weird location - this adds spice

                      * oddball opening hours - now you've got to make a special pilgrimage since it's not convenient (The logical culmination to these two is a restaurant that's located on a truck that travels the streets at random.)

                      * Arcane ordering rituals - off menu dishes, special code words that you use to get the good stuff.

                      * Chef with a Story - raised in Yosemite by wolves, learned to cook on a pilgrimage to Tibet

                      I added these all up and came up with the prototypical CH restaurant years ago -
                      ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                      Try Leftys' House of Squid. It's on 38th street but it moves around a lot - the owner only signs one month leases. When he leaves a location he chalks special symbols on the sidewalk to tell you where the new restaurant is. Only a few people know how to read the symbols - you have be one of Lefty's regular customers.

                      Make sure it's Lefty behind the counter. His identical twin brother (who according to a perverse foreign custom is also called "Lefty") also works there but his squid tastes like rubber while Lefty is the Jascha Heifitz of squid. You can tell them apart because his twin brother is right handed and real Lefty is, well, you get the picture.

                      Don't ask for the squid by name. The word "squid" drives Lefty into a murderous rage since the English word for squid is a mortal insult in his native tongue. Just point at it and he'll fry you up the best squid you ever had. Whatever you do, *don't eat the fish*. It's poisonous!

                      4 Replies
                      1. re: Bob Martinez
                        g
                        Gin n Tonic Apr 17, 2009 09:49 AM

                        "oddball opening hours - now you've got to make a special pilgrimage since it's not convenient (The logical culmination to these two is a restaurant that's located on a truck that travels the streets at random.)"

                        Uh, Haven Bros. Diner in Providence? Unfortunately it doesn't travel the streets at random, it always ends up in the same place, but it's close to what you describe.

                        1. re: Gin n Tonic
                          Bob Martinez Apr 17, 2009 10:30 AM

                          One of my models for Lefty's was the Arepa Lady of Queens. She'd work by the elevated subway at around midnight but kept irregular hours. To add to the fun, there were *other* ladies selling arepas so newbies never knew if they had found the "real" Arepa Lady.

                          I once described the Arepa Lady as being like the Great Pumpkin. She only appeared to those who are worthy.

                          1. re: Bob Martinez
                            k
                            KTinNYC Apr 17, 2009 10:42 AM

                            The identical twin brother bit sounds like Jim Leff's theory on Corner Bistro, where one of the cooks presses down on the burger making it less juicy than when the "good" cook makes the burgers.

                            1. re: KTinNYC
                              Bob Martinez Apr 17, 2009 10:53 AM

                              You're right, that was partly it. The other influence was Leff's talk about the "good" and "bad" sons at DiFara's. One was a great cook, the other one wasn't. Leff would carefully describe how they looked so you could tell them apart.

                              Actually, all the quintessential CH memes that I used in the Lefty's story (weird location, variable hours, secret way of ordering food, chef with a Story, etc.) come from Leff. He loved that kind of thing and some posters have picked it up.

                              http://chowhound.chow.com/topics/4518...

                      2. b
                        BobtheBigPig Apr 17, 2009 09:42 AM

                        Thanks all, your responses are delightful and right on target. Feuds between owners, farming local indigenous ingredients, it's beautiful. Delighted to hear there really IS a Dracula Cafe. But I've gotta go find the Lefty's House of Squid place if it's the last thing I do. Mr. Martinez's "Jascha Heifitz of Squid" line had me spitting up coffee.

                        1. s
                          smartie Apr 17, 2009 07:53 PM

                          brilliant. Just shows we CHers end up ruining all the best restaurants!!

                          1. Wahooty Apr 17, 2009 08:05 PM

                            Except in #9, the mods would move the post to the "Chains" board.

                            Oh, and in the interest of any Canadians in the audience, I submit the following:

                            9b) Toronto FINALLY gets a Malko's. Locals rejoice as they have always enjoyed Malko's in the States/have heard wonderful things from their friends/family/Jon Stewart and can't get a decent kirgilnix north of the border to save their lives. Hopefully the yak cheese will be as pungent as I remember it in Chicago (where, btw, the service is miles beyond anything we've ever seen in Toronto)!

                            Early reviews are mixed. Half of the reports say, "that's not authentic kirgilnix. You want to know where to get good kirgilnix? Go to Pearson Airport. Buy a plane ticket to Topeka. Turn left at Quiznos."

                            The other half says, "It's SOOOOOOOOOOOO much better in the States."

                            And there's one guy that says "there's no such thing as good kirgilnix. But I'm quite fond of the Ikea cafeteria."

                            3 Replies
                            1. re: Wahooty
                              b
                              Blueicus Apr 17, 2009 10:50 PM

                              9c) As visibility of Kirgilnix increases a few entrepeneurs, also from said third-world country decide to offer authentic Kirgilnix since Torontonians have only known the bastardized and poor quality stuff. The new places are derided as being flashy, pretentious, and expensive, as Kirgilnix usually costs about 5 cents to make at home (How dare they charge $10 for Kirgilnix!).

                              Also, the owners are people who dismiss "Carefully worded concerns" from said detractors and threaten to throw them out of the restaurant.

                              1. re: Wahooty
                                l
                                LJS Apr 23, 2009 01:30 PM

                                City Hall approves the addition of the Kirgilnix Korner as a colourful addition to the vast array of fast food purveyors on Toronto streets (it'll be the first non-sausage-shaped entry).

                                A publicity event goes sadly wrong when it turns out that Mayor David is dramatically allergic to the primary ingredient in kirgilnix. The resultant colourful Youtube video gets 2 million hits...no one ever wants to eat a Toronto kirgilnix again.

                                People in Calgary sneer at Toronto and open the Calgary Cirgilnix. It is a huge success and a mob scene ensures its future when the Flames wins the Cup and stuff it with Cirgilnix-who knew that was where that goalie was from?

                                1. re: LJS
                                  Wahooty Apr 23, 2009 02:40 PM

                                  Meh, they were only allowed to serve pre-cooked, re-heated kirgilnix anyway, and it's really not the same once it's congealed. Besides, it was never going to take off - the $40,000 licensing fee is approximately four times the entire GDP of Whoositstan. In such tough financial times, the kirgilnix kart is just not economically viable.

                                  Kirgilnix Korner dismisses its failure, calling it "a rebuilding year" and announces plans to reopen at the ACC next fall.

                              2. s
                                smartie Apr 18, 2009 07:21 AM

                                of course we will have posts about how much to tip at Malko's - are the servers worth 18% and how dare they tack on 20% on parties of 6 or more.

                                Then there will be posts on ordering Kirgilnix without Moschi, because some are allergic to Moschi, and one CHer will complain that he ordered Kirgilnix with Pfterblert sauce on the side and the chef wouldn't do it and he will never set foot in a Malko's again.

                                1. greygarious Apr 18, 2009 03:17 PM

                                  7a) There is also the question of etiquette. Chowhounders with refined sensibilities are ordering kirgilnix to go, because when Malko's countrymen are among those dining in the restaurant, they loudly slurp the sauce and suck on the little bones, which Americans find offensive. Their posts to that effect are countered by others accusing them of xenophobia and cultural elitism. The waitstaff rebels because of lost income. Several servers post on the Not About Food Board insisting that the hourly wage for Malko waitrons should be raised to compensate for the lost tips. Unwilling to increase his payroll, Malko posts a sign reading: "Plachny, ne bastianich qa szouchke ui moniclewinsk qo beinossli - izt blechs qou Amryzchenlix", which in turn alienates the immigrant community. It's at this point that Malko tries to develop a boneless, square kirgilnix patty formed around a frozen cube of sauce, which melts during cooking. Rachael loves the new kirgilnix sammy. Stop&Shop and other supermarkets discontinue their frozen White Castle slyders, replacing them with microwave kirgilnix on tiny buns.

                                  3 Replies
                                  1. re: greygarious
                                    a
                                    adamshoe Apr 18, 2009 03:23 PM

                                    gg, The best post yet!!! Everytime I reread the part about the sign, I bust up giggling. Polish meets Croatian by way of Mel Brooks; genius!! adam

                                    1. re: greygarious
                                      alwayscooking Apr 21, 2009 03:21 PM

                                      I know that the frozen kirgilnix isn't the best but it makes a good meal after working 28 hours a day - especially with the green can. Sometimes, I don't always have time to be a purist - it's good not great, a nice quick meal.

                                      1. re: alwayscooking
                                        greygarious Apr 21, 2009 03:50 PM

                                        For me, why not? I should of mentioned that sometimes top with avacado. ;-)

                                    2. greygarious Apr 18, 2009 08:24 PM

                                      9d) Malko's sons, Tidd and Mong, grow up working in the restaurant, but have ambitions to strike out on their own. They attend culinary school, apprentice in well-known big-city eateries, and begin their own careers. Tidd starts out making gussied-up kirgilnix made in specially-built wood-fired ovens and served with a flourish on fine china. He schmoozes Topeka's upper crust, who rave about the organic Tergik , Gek gnocchi, and the Fongil tea granita. He changes his last name from Malko to British and starts hobnobbing with local celebs. Topeka Today magazine names him one of its most nice-looking people despite his rather Cro-Magnon forehead. He gets a divorce and opens restaurants at dog tracks and bingo parlors from Kansas to Iowa. His empire gets so large that leadership stumbles and some of his restaurants have repeated health code violations. This comes as a boon to Malko, who collects everything the exterminator traps for inclusion in the Tergit terrine.
                                      Meanwhile, Mong opens an ethnic fusion restaurant in Lawrence, calling it Royal Kirgilantro. He creates stir-fried kirgilnix-based dishes served with original sauces featuring various forms of soy and leaves that he picks while strolling the well-landscaped suburban streets. He also becomes a local notable, and gets a weekly cooking show on Kansas' public broadcasting channel, despite his tendency to slurp and to repeatedly refer to his audience as "zhnize". Wary of repeating his father's and brother's mistakes, he resists the temptation to open his own chain, but sets up online merchandising. His restaurant gets a boost when he develops and publicizes a special menu catering to diners with Gek allergy. He suffers a midlife crisis and stops getting regular haircuts.

                                      1 Reply
                                      1. re: greygarious
                                        Wahooty Apr 18, 2009 09:16 PM

                                        Your sarcasm belies a deep-seated envy for my "I milked a yak at Mong's. Don't yew wish you had?" t-shirt. It will be a collector's item one day.

                                      2. Eat_Nopal Apr 18, 2009 11:39 PM

                                        Funny stuff its always great to be able to mock your self. However, I hope this isn't just all a Tea Party for the apologists.

                                        Technically... there is no way possible a country with dish names like Kirgilnix could currently be 3rd World... yeah they were all backward for several millenia and could never quite get an advanced civilization in place... but their low population levels (indicative of their backward society) and share in the kirgilnaut sea oil fields has made them all rich and they can now afford to a high leisure, low competitive lifestyles. The real reason Mal & Ko came to America is because they wanted to be able to drink on the weekdays & belong to organized religion without being labeled as the town losers.

                                        1. Sam Fujisaka Apr 19, 2009 09:32 AM

                                          You left out the two Chow Hound complaints that are sure to arise:

                                          1. I heard that kirgilnix is made of cat meat.
                                          2. Malkos only serves the "real" stuff to people who speak the language.

                                          6 Replies
                                          1. re: Sam Fujisaka
                                            l
                                            Lizard Apr 19, 2009 11:28 AM

                                            Wow, I've never seen number one circulate on a chowhound board-- where did that happen? Or are you suggesting that the unknown country tends to serve cat, and this will become a discussion of authenticity?

                                            Number 2 will definitely happen, and then will come the insanely lengthy threads about how to ask for certain dishes.

                                            Also into the mix are the occasional updates on Malko's health and family gossip.

                                            1. re: Sam Fujisaka
                                              alwayscooking Apr 19, 2009 12:07 PM

                                              Sorry Sam,

                                              My kirgilnix is only made from ferret - just like my great auntie made it. I just wish I could remember how to pronounce the word so I could order it cooked the proper way.

                                              And further, Malko grew up in the city where he 'citified' a very traditional, rustic dish - I guess cats are more plentiful in the city than ferrets.

                                              It's my go to recipe for potlucks - anyone want the recipe?

                                              1. re: alwayscooking
                                                greygarious Apr 19, 2009 12:21 PM

                                                Ahh, that explains the tiny bones. The OP mentioned prunes, yak cheese, and boiled goat but as we know from the current "Do you eat goat?" thread, in some cultures the word "goat" encompasses other critters too. I'm surprised this wasn't mentioned in the Cooks Illustrated article on Weeknight Kirgilnix, wherein a brief marinade of lichen and soy sauce takes the place of the traditional 24-hour barnacle-powder/ammonia brine.

                                                1. re: greygarious
                                                  alwayscooking Apr 19, 2009 12:25 PM

                                                  Saw that article - have you tried it yet? My crop of lichen is just about ready for harvest and thought this might be a nice recipe. It's just that I've gotten a bit fond of the ferret . . .

                                                  1. re: greygarious
                                                    billieboy Apr 19, 2009 12:27 PM

                                                    Of course America's Test Kitchen will have tried out 236 different ways to cook Kirgilnix. None will be satisfactory, but they will have discovered the PURRRFECT (note pun on cat :)) way to cook it.

                                                    1. re: billieboy
                                                      cayjohan Apr 19, 2009 04:57 PM

                                                      But The BowTie will still look askance at the dish because it's not a Vermonter staple< but then laud Julia's interpretation - one skillet, no less! And perhaps Bishop will organize some testing of supermarket versions of microwaveable Kirgilnix. And wait...perhaps there might be *yet another* instant read thermometer test to make sure no one's undercooked Kirgilnix will send undead E.coli rampaging through the systems of devotees. Cay

                                              2. Gio Apr 20, 2009 05:35 AM

                                                Local hounds predict Kirgilnix will not get a foot hold, or is that hoof hold, in Boston because it's made with strips instead of full bellies. Additionally, the original authentic old country sauce has no tomatoes. Boston Hounds are divided in their opinion of whether or not Malko's will become the new Angela's. Some think it could work if they are allowed to order off menu and have the beer and wine license at hand on opening day. Even that's iffy because some outlying hounds are not near the right T line. But the real test will come when the Malkos start construction of their first proposed New England outpost on the site of the old James Hook & Sons lobster pound.

                                                2 Replies
                                                1. re: Gio
                                                  billieboy Apr 20, 2009 05:55 AM

                                                  Kirgilnix in Boston!!!! Good God what next? A Fenway Kirgilnix???

                                                  1. re: billieboy
                                                    Gio Apr 20, 2009 06:13 AM

                                                    The Red Sox have just named Krgizt Ko as relief pitcher this season, so who knows.....He's a nephew of the famous Chef Malko of Topeka.

                                                2. billieboy Apr 20, 2009 06:35 AM

                                                  I am surprised no one has discussed wine pairing with Kirgilnix. I suggest a one month old Chateau de Durian.

                                                  2 Replies
                                                  1. re: billieboy
                                                    cayjohan Apr 20, 2009 06:48 AM

                                                    Bah! Everyone KNOWS you don't drink wine with Kirgilnix! The microbrew ale from Whoositstan, produced in batches of one case per week, is the ONLY proper accompaniment. Cay

                                                    1. re: cayjohan
                                                      Servorg Apr 20, 2009 08:43 AM

                                                      That used to be true. But then, after Boone's Farm bought out Château Lafite Rothschild in a surprise move, and introduced their brand new sparkling "Lite Cabernet" (with a shot of espresso in every screw cap) bottle, there was a completely new paradigm for the beverage of preference to serve with Kirgilnix.

                                                      As their ad in Vanity Fair said "You're taste buds will never be the same after chugging a bottle of our latest Estate bottled "Agony 'O de Lafite!"

                                                  2. m
                                                    mr99203 Apr 20, 2009 05:42 PM

                                                    Williams Sonoma debuts a copper Kirgilnix pan for $269 in the Mother's Day catalog. Sales are brisk, but Alton Brown denounces it as a unitasker. Chowhonders agree that cast iron is superior.

                                                    3 Replies
                                                    1. re: mr99203
                                                      Wahooty Apr 20, 2009 07:31 PM

                                                      ...but disagree as to whether ferfesil nut oil or rendered yakback is the appropriate fat for seasoning.

                                                      1. re: Wahooty
                                                        kubasd Apr 22, 2009 06:24 PM

                                                        but copper creates even heat distribution for proper browning of the kirgilnix in the bottom of the pan to give the requisite crust. I love alton brown, but c'mon kirgilnix folks, multitaskting when it comes to great malko's inspired food is priceless!!!

                                                        1. re: Wahooty
                                                          kubasd Apr 22, 2009 06:29 PM

                                                          Dont' forget bobby flay doing a kirgilnix throwdown, challenging Tigg!!! He tries to impart a southwestern flair on the dish, and mistakingly goes more authentic than Tigg. A riot erupts, claiming that the judges were biased, and that only malko's son's could create authentic tirgilnix in the U.S.

                                                      2. s
                                                        smartie Apr 20, 2009 06:47 PM

                                                        we now see Kirglenix on Hell's Kitchen burnt, underdone and spat out by Chef Ramsay.

                                                        Some contestants are flown to the original Malko's in Topeka as a prize for winning this week's challenge of cleaning goat gut in under 3 minutes, ready for inclusion in Ramsay's version of Kirglenix.

                                                        5 Replies
                                                        1. re: smartie
                                                          greygarious Apr 20, 2009 07:07 PM

                                                          And here we have another CH milestone........the first incorrect spelling of Kirgilnix!

                                                          1. re: greygarious
                                                            Eat_Nopal Apr 20, 2009 07:23 PM

                                                            Thats a little presumptious, pompous & ignorant of you. WTF, don't you know that in the state of Andagak there is a Slavic Muslim community that has its own dialect in which the Kirglenix spelling is correct! You are such a lightweight.

                                                            1. re: Eat_Nopal
                                                              greygarious Apr 20, 2009 07:39 PM

                                                              Actually, no. I double-majored in philology and Indo-European languages, and can assure you that there is a distinction. Kirgilnix is the dish, or the vat in which it is served; kirglenix (pronounced "keer-LYAY-nyitch") is the herb. It's like the relationship of chili to chile.

                                                              1. re: greygarious
                                                                Gio Apr 21, 2009 05:40 AM

                                                                GG - That's hilarious. I bow to your double major......

                                                                1. re: greygarious
                                                                  Wahooty Apr 21, 2009 12:00 PM

                                                                  Okay, I keep coming back to this response just to re-read the pronunciation because it makes me giggle. Very well done.

                                                          2. Eat_Nopal Apr 20, 2009 06:54 PM

                                                            Don't forget the clueless teenager from Topeka who has only ever had the various local versions of Kirgilnix... taste the passable version on Malko and pronounce it the best ever in the Milky Way galaxy.

                                                            3 Replies
                                                            1. re: Eat_Nopal
                                                              cayjohan Apr 20, 2009 07:09 PM

                                                              The cayjohan household now has a post-it on the fridge: Buy Kirgilnix, 2 for 1. We'll see what happens. Cay <g>

                                                              1. re: cayjohan
                                                                Wahooty Apr 20, 2009 07:27 PM

                                                                I'd wind up with two boxes each of Crispix and Kleenex if I tried something like that. You know, just to be safe. :)

                                                                1. re: cayjohan
                                                                  Eat_Nopal Apr 20, 2009 07:28 PM

                                                                  That is nothing... my local Roller Derby Stadium offers a combination platter:

                                                                  > Traditional Kirgilnix
                                                                  > Kirgilnix Nachos topped with Refried Beans, Chili, Spam & Vienna Sausages
                                                                  > Chicken Fried Kirgilnix (CFK)
                                                                  > Potato Salad
                                                                  > Macaroni Salad
                                                                  > Cole Slaw
                                                                  > Chinese Stir Fried Rice
                                                                  > Boston Beans
                                                                  and California Cut Rolls

                                                                  With a 44oz drink for just $10 bucks

                                                                  Some Chowhounds pronounce it the best ever guilty pleasure if you douse it with the magical sauce combination of Ranch Dressing, Sweet BBQ Sauce & Malt Vinegar.

                                                              2. l
                                                                Lizard Apr 20, 2009 11:56 PM

                                                                Ah, the beauty of the post as chowhounds start to claim expertise on the subject of Kirgilnix, and forget that this was a parody.

                                                                1. Sam Fujisaka Apr 21, 2009 07:47 AM

                                                                  Kirgilnix would soon end up on the lists of foods some of the hounds would never eat.

                                                                  4 Replies
                                                                  1. re: Sam Fujisaka
                                                                    fresnohotspot Apr 21, 2009 08:30 AM

                                                                    When I was growing up, my mother used to serve us afternoon snacks of chocolate Kirgilnix doused with sriracha. Now that I think about it, she served us everything doused with sriracha - it is why I am a devoted chowhound. Thanks mom.

                                                                    1. re: fresnohotspot
                                                                      Sam Fujisaka Apr 21, 2009 09:02 AM

                                                                      Really!? Your mother is filipina; and filipinos are like Colombians - one chile is good for 2,000,000 people for one month!

                                                                      [Insert sideways moronic smiley face icon here so fresnohotspot doesn't get amor propyo trampled]

                                                                      1. re: Sam Fujisaka
                                                                        fresnohotspot Apr 21, 2009 09:10 AM

                                                                        You need to come back and visit your hometown, Sam. Your sense of humor could fuel a few hearty chowdowns with the locals. Kirgilnix Pho - we have it.

                                                                    2. re: Sam Fujisaka
                                                                      Gio Apr 21, 2009 09:54 AM

                                                                      A secondary thread will ensue titled, "Why I Wish I Had Tried Kirgilnix. Is It Too Late?"

                                                                    3. billieboy Apr 21, 2009 09:28 AM

                                                                      You know it just had to happen. FoolNetwork had a one day marathon on Kirgilnix.
                                                                      Sandy Dee did a tablescape with stuffed cats and ferrets. (Nice cleavage)
                                                                      Paula Spleen put in a pound of butter which ruined the sandy, gritty texture.
                                                                      Bobby Faye did his with blue corn and chipotles (what else is new?)
                                                                      And Wratchel Wray did hers in 30 minutes which is not possible. It takes 4 hours for the E Coli to even begin to ferment. But she did say it say Yuck-O.

                                                                      1 Reply
                                                                      1. re: billieboy
                                                                        g
                                                                        Gin n Tonic Apr 22, 2009 12:19 PM

                                                                        You forgot to mention Andrew Zimmern's trip to Whoositstan where -- avoiding the Krglnx because it is by now everywhere in America -- he nevertheless attempts to sample every known variety of the yak cheese (including the most pungent, which is cultured in yak bladders.) Not knowing the language, of course, he hires a local guide (who turns out to be, as most everyone there, a distant cousin of the famous Malko) who charges him triple the prevailing daily rate and takes him to the central yak market and leads him around to a half-dozen vendors who make fun of Zimmern in Whoositstanese and sell him their already-spoiling portions of yak cheese for 5 times what they charge the locals. Zimmern grimaces at the camera, talks really loudly and samples each portion without touching it with his lips. Chowhounds laugh at him when the segment is broadcast.

                                                                      2. cayjohan Apr 21, 2009 11:24 AM

                                                                        I'm doing it. I'm getting a Kirgilnix tee shirt. Someday it will be retro-cool, like all those folks walking around with tees proclaiming SPAM in chrome yellow letters, or the Hard Rock Cafe (insert city here) shirts. There may be a market for this on Chowhound. And my original? E-Bay, baby.

                                                                        Cay

                                                                        1 Reply
                                                                        1. re: cayjohan
                                                                          greygarious Apr 22, 2009 11:22 AM

                                                                          I bought one on Mong's website. It's imported from Malko's village, and made in the traditional peasant T-shirt design, with the armpit cut-outs. It says "Y ♥ K ЯGLNX", but the crone operating the loom didn't quite grasp the concept of the heart symbol, so it's rendered in an anatomically-correct version except that she transposed the aorta and pulmonary vein. They run small and short-waisted, like the peasants, so order one size larger.

                                                                        2. s
                                                                          smartie Apr 21, 2009 02:11 PM

                                                                          do we have a post on how to pronounce Kirgilnix? Is the emphasis on Kir, gil or nix and is it pronounced differently in NJ compared to the midwest?

                                                                          What about the spelling? Is it authentic to actually spell it Krglnix, or Kirgilnicks or would it depend on whether your grandmother came from the Central region, the south or the north and whether they immigrated to the USA 75 or more years ago or are more recent immigrants?

                                                                          8 Replies
                                                                          1. re: smartie
                                                                            greygarious Apr 21, 2009 02:49 PM

                                                                            Authentic pronunciation is "kir-JEEL-nyitch". In Brooklyn and NJ, it is commonly mispronounced "KOYgl-nicks". Many Americans think "CURgle-nicks" is correct because that's what Martha Stewart says. Jacques Pepin says "keer-zheel-NEEX" but most people can't understand what he's saying until the third rerun.

                                                                            Since the alphabet of Malko's homeland has neither lower case letters nor vowels (except sometimes Y), the correct spelling is KRGLNX, but with the backwards "R". The Central plateau is quite arid, so the kirgilnix there uses very few prunes and is therefore inferior to that of the Northern hills. The peoples of the Southern swamp usually deep-fry their kirgilnix in the oil of the endangered muskgoose, a foul-tempered cousin to mongooses and muskrats.

                                                                            1. re: greygarious
                                                                              Wahooty Apr 21, 2009 02:59 PM

                                                                              I pronounce it kur-GILL-nicks and like it with ketchup. Am I still a Chowhound?

                                                                              1. re: Wahooty
                                                                                greygarious Apr 21, 2009 03:13 PM

                                                                                Chowhound perhaps; philistine definitely. ;-) And ketchup? NYC's Kirgilnazi would send you packing: "No nyitch for you!" Properly, in Malko's homeland ketchup/catsup - or, as they would say, KTSZHP, is reserved for Tergit, although in some outlying parts of the Northern hills, it is sometimes ladled over Gek.

                                                                                1. re: greygarious
                                                                                  billieboy Apr 21, 2009 03:16 PM

                                                                                  I was thinking about your other post. If the language has no vowels, it must be related to Polish. I think we may be onto something here. The lost tribe of Poland maybe?

                                                                                  1. re: greygarious
                                                                                    Wahooty Apr 21, 2009 04:07 PM

                                                                                    {sigh} I'm going to be banished to play with the Foodies now, aren't I?

                                                                                    1. re: greygarious
                                                                                      Gio Apr 21, 2009 06:22 PM

                                                                                      Well.... I never.
                                                                                      In MY house growing up we Never had Kirgilnix with anything other than dried prunes, boiled goat, and yak cheese. To suggest anything else would bring out the cousins with the swords to make short shrift of any foreign ingredients which would immediately be tossed into the caldron, making sure the shrift was short before tossing. Into. The caldron. You and your Ktszhp be dwnidxd.

                                                                                      1. re: Gio
                                                                                        Aromatherapy Apr 22, 2009 08:23 AM

                                                                                        Well you'd have loved what I had to choke down last night at the inlaws. Subbed skinless boneless chicken breast for the goat, canned apricots for the prunes, and Velveeta. No place to hide, I had to eat it... and they don't drink...

                                                                                        1. re: Aromatherapy
                                                                                          Gio Apr 22, 2009 08:30 AM

                                                                                          Oh dear, my sympathies are with You entirely, Aromatherapy. At least the goat sub was boneless. The thought of all those little bones in the Kirgilnix gives me the willies.... or is that the vlkitz? Did you go for something strong after dinner? Drinks, I mean.

                                                                              2. alwayscooking Apr 21, 2009 03:51 PM

                                                                                Can any of you guys answer me please? I left the Kirgilnix out on the counter after I was done cooking it last night and I wonder if it's still good. I made such a lot of it and it would be a shame to give it to the ferrets instead. It also took such a long time to make since I started from scratch!

                                                                                3 Replies
                                                                                1. re: alwayscooking
                                                                                  billieboy Apr 21, 2009 03:52 PM

                                                                                  hee hee Nice one.

                                                                                  1. re: alwayscooking
                                                                                    Wahooty Apr 21, 2009 04:03 PM

                                                                                    Luckily, I believe kirgilnix is traditionally aged for seven days at the bottom of a knapsack while riding a camel before eating. So overnight at countertop temperatures will actually make it MORE authentic. I find it gives it a nice tang.

                                                                                    Just make sure you boil it first.

                                                                                    1. re: alwayscooking
                                                                                      Gio Apr 21, 2009 06:23 PM

                                                                                      In two words Toss It. OTOH Sam says It's OK. I asked.

                                                                                    2. s
                                                                                      smartie Apr 21, 2009 03:58 PM

                                                                                      we also HAVE to have a post on whether it is rude for guests to bring their own Kirglenix when you have told them you are having a Kirglenix party.

                                                                                      Husband of coworker calls 3 days in advance and says he is bringing his own great grandmother's recipe. 569 posts discuss this, the OP goes missing for 3 months and we wonder if said husband ends up under the patio.

                                                                                      1 Reply
                                                                                      1. re: smartie
                                                                                        a
                                                                                        adamshoe Apr 21, 2009 04:15 PM

                                                                                        Wahh... I am highly allergic to most all of the ingredients in traditional (dare I say...authentic) Kirgilnix. Any vegan, gluten intolerant, lactose free foodies out there who can offer me a hand? TIA for any and all thoughts/ substitutions/ alternatives. I'm really jonesing to try me some Kirgilnix so I can Yelp and blog about every boring detail!! adam

                                                                                      2. Sam Fujisaka Apr 21, 2009 04:11 PM

                                                                                        Soon on your shelves: Kraft Instant Kirgilnix

                                                                                        4 Replies
                                                                                        1. re: Sam Fujisaka
                                                                                          s
                                                                                          smartie Apr 21, 2009 04:55 PM

                                                                                          There is now the McD's Quarter Pounder with Cheese Kirglenix (supersized for only $1 more) the BKkirglenix with flame grilled zsuzsus and the KFC Chicken Kirglenix with 22 herbs and spices made to the Colonel's long lost great aunt Svetlana's recipe.

                                                                                          1. re: Sam Fujisaka
                                                                                            toodie jane Feb 6, 2011 10:26 AM

                                                                                            Trader Joe's come out with a 'gourmet' frozen single-serve Kirgilnix once the Kraft has gone into millions of units sold.

                                                                                            1. re: toodie jane
                                                                                              Veggo Feb 6, 2011 12:20 PM

                                                                                              And shortly thereafter Kirgilix is approved for trading on The Chicago Mercantile Exchange (CMX) in the food commodity group, symbol KGX, to enable commercial buyers to lock in 2-year fixed pricing from critical middle-eastern suppliers during tumultous political times and irregular sub-saharan weather patterns.

                                                                                              1. re: Veggo
                                                                                                PattiCakes Feb 9, 2011 08:36 AM

                                                                                                It's always a blessing to open up a resurrected thread and see Sam Fujisaka's posts. Like a gift from the beyond. sigh.

                                                                                          2. billieboy Apr 21, 2009 05:03 PM

                                                                                            Oh Cripes!! Is nothing sacred anymore.....Sweet & Sour Kirgilnix Balls!!!!

                                                                                            1. fresnohotspot Apr 21, 2009 06:04 PM

                                                                                              Hounds, y'all have restored my faith in the boards with the wacked wacked WACKED sense of humor in this post. Special award to PorcineBob. This is one funny discussion.

                                                                                              1. linguafood Apr 22, 2009 11:28 AM

                                                                                                I agree. This is BY FAR the funniest -- and by that I mean pee-yer-pants-funny -- post EVER.

                                                                                                I'm partial to the 100 calorie kyrglenix snack packs. A bit gamey, but some tastes need to be acquired '-D

                                                                                                2 Replies
                                                                                                1. re: linguafood
                                                                                                  Wahooty Apr 22, 2009 12:32 PM

                                                                                                  BLASPHEMY! I'm a stubborn kirgilnix purist - it had better come full-fat with a defibrillator and cardiologist on duty or not at all. 100 calories? What's the point? Next you'll tell me you prefer your gek baked, not fried.

                                                                                                  1. re: Wahooty
                                                                                                    linguafood Apr 22, 2009 02:09 PM

                                                                                                    I like my gek raw, with freeze-dried prinkles of brk.

                                                                                                2. cayjohan Apr 22, 2009 01:12 PM

                                                                                                  Yep. The funniest ever. Hub now yells at me to stop reading the damn Kirgilnix post late at night, as he's trying to sleep, dammit! Too much hysterical laughter.

                                                                                                  Now in Minnesota, when one does something *exceptional*, like become a Dairy Princess, we carve a likeness in butter. Perhaps a bust of BobtheBigPig molded from Kirgilnix would be in order. I'd go the the State Fair to see that. And then Zimmern could eat it as performance art.

                                                                                                  Cay

                                                                                                  1. PattiCakes Apr 22, 2009 01:36 PM

                                                                                                    You need to add the thread where Malkofan posts about the bad experience he had at Malko's when Borikka spilled yak grease on his shirt & refused to comp his meal, in addition to seating him next to a table of Kirgilnix freaks wearing Froddmik hats and celebrating loudly. Malkofan asks what fellow hounds would have done in his place. At first he gets sympathy and advice, but soon the tide turns & the posts take on an accusatory tone, blaming Malkofan for having something against yaks, not wearing a Froddmik hat, not tipping enough, or not hunting down the manager before he left. When things get ugly, the moderators shut down the thread.

                                                                                                    Did I see a holiday-themed Kirgilnix variety pak on QVC last night right after the sement on the BobtheBigPig Chia pet?

                                                                                                    1. billieboy Apr 22, 2009 01:58 PM

                                                                                                      Can someone please help me. I have been using a pizza cutter to cut the KЯGLNX ( I Know, I Know!! but it's all I have). What is the proper tool. They won't let me in the back of the house to see. They say the ferrets get upset with strangers (odd...there is nobody stranger than Malko)..Misono makes one in UX-10 but it's pretty pricey and Forschner doesn't make one at all. Help, please...anybody??
                                                                                                      Oh...and no unitaskers. We don't want to upset you-know-who. (AB)...No No, not Al Bundy, the other AB.

                                                                                                      6 Replies
                                                                                                      1. re: billieboy
                                                                                                        PattiCakes Apr 22, 2009 02:03 PM

                                                                                                        I say Billy Mays selling one on an infomercial. If you buy it today, you get a free set of KЯGLNX keepers and a sample container of Oxyclean.

                                                                                                        1. re: PattiCakes
                                                                                                          billieboy Apr 22, 2009 02:14 PM

                                                                                                          Yakwash...Millie Maze wouldn't know a KЯGLNX if it jumped up and bit him on the a$$

                                                                                                          1. re: PattiCakes
                                                                                                            g
                                                                                                            gailr42 Apr 22, 2009 02:20 PM

                                                                                                            You can find an approximation of the real deal in the pet department at Harrods. It is the guillotine type claw cutter designed specifically for cutting ferrets' claws. If you seek truly authentic Krglnx, you will groom the ferret before cutting your krglnx. Traditionally, the instrument is not washed between ferret grooming and Krglnx cutting.

                                                                                                            1. re: gailr42
                                                                                                              c
                                                                                                              CucumberBoy Apr 22, 2009 04:03 PM

                                                                                                              Kirgilnix is sooo 2008; the newest taste sensation sweeping the midwest is Gorschlamb Nocktu (pronounced GORE-schlamb NOCK-two). I saw a special on the Food Network last night about it -- even Bobby Flay appeared excited.

                                                                                                              The Whole-in-the-Wall restaurant in Biloxi is on the cutting edge of this incredibly authentic cuisine (you MUST sample the air-fried Tock-Told -- heaven on a heated skewer!). Wash it down with a tepid mug of hand-squeezed tomato-onion juice -- incredible. This takes the phrase "comfort food" to an entirely new level.

                                                                                                              Try the original location in downtown Biloxi, not the one in Montgomery (they've lost their edge there for whatever reason).

                                                                                                              -cb-

                                                                                                              1. re: CucumberBoy
                                                                                                                a
                                                                                                                adamshoe Apr 22, 2009 06:12 PM

                                                                                                                (in the style of a Yelp review) OMG!!! Awesome (and that's a word I don't use frequently, if you've read my prior posts and checked out my profile here. Elite Status 2009...YEAH, BABY!!!!) Finally made it to the Whole in the Wall in Biloxi and I gotta say...FAN-FRICKIN-TASTIC over the top yumminess on a stick!!!! DUDES, you have got to make a pilgrimage here to this temple of "Gorsch " (That's what all the KEWL peeeps call it now, FYI....) We snuck in some Jaeger to mix in with the hand job tomato-onion thang and I gotta say...GENIUS!!! Took it to a whole nother level, kids!!! The bathrooms are the only reason I'm knocking this joint down to 4 stars. They have this creepy chick (at least I THINK she's a chick...) in there who offers to "wipe" you after you've finished your "bidness". Kinda freeked me out; but hey, It's Biloxi. And what happens in Biloxi, well, you dudes know the rest. Peace out.

                                                                                                                1. re: adamshoe
                                                                                                                  alwayscooking Apr 22, 2009 06:32 PM

                                                                                                                  brotfl

                                                                                                        2. Gio Apr 22, 2009 06:18 PM

                                                                                                          I just want to know how to reverse the capital R.

                                                                                                          I already knew how to pronounce Gorschlamb Nocktu.....

                                                                                                          14 Replies
                                                                                                          1. re: Gio
                                                                                                            greygarious Apr 22, 2009 06:40 PM

                                                                                                            http://chowhound.chow.com/topics/5978...

                                                                                                            1. re: greygarious
                                                                                                              Gio Apr 22, 2009 06:46 PM

                                                                                                              Thank you. Or should I say Danjghke shweine? OK , maybe not.....

                                                                                                            2. re: Gio
                                                                                                              PattiCakes Apr 23, 2009 06:40 AM

                                                                                                              It's called "copy & paste"

                                                                                                              1. re: PattiCakes
                                                                                                                Gio Apr 23, 2009 06:51 AM

                                                                                                                Why didn't *I* think of that..... duh!

                                                                                                                1. re: Gio
                                                                                                                  billieboy Apr 23, 2009 07:19 AM

                                                                                                                  Actually, after many hours of studying the Whoositstan language I have discovered that the real spelling is KЯGLNЖ

                                                                                                                  1. re: billieboy
                                                                                                                    PattiCakes Apr 23, 2009 09:03 AM

                                                                                                                    showoff!

                                                                                                                    Next thing you know, you'll be marketing shirts, hats and official KЯGLNЖ Society bibs (which will debut on a future episode of Man vs Food).

                                                                                                                    We need to develop recipies for KЯGLNЖ, using a variety of Kraft processed foods, Jello or Campbell's Cream of KЯGLNЖ Soup to sell in super market check-out lines. We need to do this before someone goes on Oprah to claim the healing poweres of KЯGLNЖ, or on Maury Povich to talk about how the KЯGLNЖ diet made them cheat on their baby daddy, or before baseball suspends Derek Jeeter, along with a number of other Yankee's players, for the illegal use of KЯGLNЖ.

                                                                                                                    1. re: PattiCakes
                                                                                                                      cayjohan Apr 23, 2009 09:10 AM

                                                                                                                      Adam Richman eating a metric ton of KЯGLNЖ. There's an image that's going to stay with me. I assume there will be sweating involved, along with a triumphant "KЯGLNЖ Challenge Wall of Insanity" photo.

                                                                                                                      Cay

                                                                                                                      1. re: PattiCakes
                                                                                                                        billieboy Apr 23, 2009 09:17 AM

                                                                                                                        Dr Phil is already working on an episode and just think what Jerry Springer will do to this!!!

                                                                                                                        1. re: billieboy
                                                                                                                          Wahooty Apr 23, 2009 12:19 PM

                                                                                                                          And of course the inevitable YouTube video of a half-dozen college kids trying to finish a 100 x 100 KЯGLNЖ from N 'nd YT KЯGLNЖ, the only competitor to survive against the Malko's/Wendy's combo franchises. They had the foresight to open in college towns and stay open until 4am, thus cornering the inebriated student market and ensuring enough brand loyalty that Michigan State alumni still wax nostalgic and regularly confess that they are "heaven on earth, but only after 2am and in a chemically enhanced state."

                                                                                                                          1. re: Wahooty
                                                                                                                            l
                                                                                                                            LJS Apr 23, 2009 01:35 PM

                                                                                                                            No, seriously, I want to have a T-shirt with this word printed on it. I want to run into someone else on the street and dissolve into gales of hysterical laughter right here in TO. I want my loved ones to know that the reason I like Chowhound isn't because I am becoming obsessive about the rising of my souffle and the running of my brie.

                                                                                                                            1. re: LJS
                                                                                                                              Wahooty Apr 23, 2009 02:27 PM

                                                                                                                              I don't know about you, LJS, but I already find people pointing at me and laughing just about everywhere I go in TO, no matter what shirt I'm wearing. If I had better Photoshop skills, I'd try to work up something that could be printed on a t-shirt transfer. People always say we need some sort of identifying badge or something to wear to events so we'll be able to spot each other...

                                                                                                                              (And your loved ones should know that they should only worry about you if your souffle rises for more than four hours. You should probably see a doctor about that brie, though...)

                                                                                                                              1. re: LJS
                                                                                                                                cayjohan Apr 23, 2009 02:41 PM

                                                                                                                                LJS, I hear you! Chow could make a bundle on the KЯGLNЖ. tee shirts. But it's getting even more on the good will from this lovely lark of a thread. One I want to never end, actually. I predict Kirgilnix will be a Chow term forevermore.

                                                                                                                                Now: Hey! Powers that be! Sell us some tees already! (Sans armpit cutouts, thank you.)

                                                                                                                                Cay

                                                                                                                                PS What great Chowdown garb, huh?

                                                                                                                                1. re: cayjohan
                                                                                                                                  Wahooty Apr 23, 2009 02:50 PM

                                                                                                                                  Not to mention a password for an underground supper club.

                                                                                                                                  "Psst...Malko sent me."

                                                                                                                                  "What's the password?"

                                                                                                                                  "kur...keer...ah, crap, I don't have a degree in linguistics so I have no idea how to say it..."

                                                                                                                                  "you're in..."

                                                                                                                              2. re: Wahooty
                                                                                                                                s
                                                                                                                                smartie Apr 23, 2009 02:38 PM

                                                                                                                                American Idol chooses Whotitstan songs for one of the weeks. Mal and Ko are brought onto the show and spend a few hours with each contestant teaching them how to wail and stating that 'Adam Lambert made us cry when he sang the words 'beja blist myja Krglnx sil ferjit a myja nana' loosely translated as ' I eat my krglnx and think of my grandma', and that Danny Gokey is gonna rock.

                                                                                                                  2. Veggo Apr 22, 2009 07:05 PM

                                                                                                                    In just the 6 days of this post, Kirgilnix has become so de classe that I had my entire herd of hoven-cloofed Andalucean Kirgilnix put down today. Their livers are ageing on hooks in my refrigerated garages while my classic cars are in Scottsdale, and should provide an emergency quick-fix for sufferers starving for foie gras in San Diego, the latest desperate avante garde mecca of foreclosures in America, attempting to jump-start it's real estate market by banning sales of Hudson Valley duck organs so as to be cool again. I'm takin' this one for the team.

                                                                                                                    2 Replies
                                                                                                                    1. re: Veggo
                                                                                                                      a
                                                                                                                      adamshoe Apr 22, 2009 07:45 PM

                                                                                                                      Yo Veggodude, I'll trade you some yak-bladder cheese for your aged Klivers (that's what all the kewl peeps call 'em, BTW....) Much props to you. Hit my profile on Yelp and shoot me an e-mail or a tweet. Im on twitter @ inanedude.foodie//kirgilnixroxseriously

                                                                                                                      1. re: adamshoe
                                                                                                                        Veggo Apr 22, 2009 08:33 PM

                                                                                                                        Done. I'll have your people call your people.

                                                                                                                    2. Eat_Nopal Apr 23, 2009 01:39 PM

                                                                                                                      Before you know it Mario Batalli makes up an Italian name for Kirgilnix and helps export it back to Italy. Italian culinary enthusiasts either downplay or deny its origins. Food Network will devote regular programming to 5 different shows focusing on the Italian version of Kirgilnix. Entire episodes will be devoted on how it pairs with the various towns Olive Oils, Wines & Cheeses. And of course every show will contain some kind of swipe at the French version of Kirgilnix which is too refined, artificial, creamy & buttery.... and how the French really copied it from the Italians and ruined it with their pedantic style of cooking.

                                                                                                                      Williams & Sonoma will feature Tuscan inspired kitchen designs centered around Kirgilnix. Pizzerias in Naples will feature Kirgilnix complete with a Uterus topped with real parmesan and finished under a salamander.

                                                                                                                      9 Replies
                                                                                                                      1. re: Eat_Nopal
                                                                                                                        c
                                                                                                                        CucumberBoy Apr 23, 2009 03:18 PM

                                                                                                                        Has anyone seen the new KЯGLNЖ in an aerosol spray-can? Brilliant! That stuff in raw form is a nightmare to store, let alone spread on a slice of freshly-watered grumwalsh.

                                                                                                                        -cb-

                                                                                                                        1. re: Eat_Nopal
                                                                                                                          PattiCakes Apr 23, 2009 03:38 PM

                                                                                                                          Mario is invited to Whotistan to award the KЯGLNЖ prize to meritorious Whotstanian chefs. After downing a few too many byorkmas, he tells the the queen to "sjvarlk off", which (as we all know) means something exceptionaly rude involving a bottle opener and a goat. Not only does Mario become a Whotstanian pariah, orange crocs are banned in the country.

                                                                                                                          1. re: PattiCakes
                                                                                                                            Eat_Nopal Apr 23, 2009 04:26 PM

                                                                                                                            "orange crocs are banned in the country."

                                                                                                                            That might just be the single funniest phrase on this thread.

                                                                                                                            1. re: Eat_Nopal
                                                                                                                              greygarious Apr 23, 2009 06:01 PM

                                                                                                                              This has unforeseen ecological consequences. With brown crocs, which only eat ferrets and cats, now the only large predator in the Southern swamp area, the population of muskgoose rapidly recovers, to the extent that they become a nuisance animal. A lucrative muskgoose oil export industry develops, with the US importing 90% of the 4200 barrels now produced annually. Having inadvertantly set in motion the events which led to the recovery of the Whositstan economy, Malko is awarded the 2009 Nobel Prize in Economics. Neighboring Pljikistan, which agreed to take the relocated orange crocs, now has to import muskgoose oil, which threatens to destabilize its fragile currency. The finance minister announces a prize of 100,000 szyknys
                                                                                                                              for the best recipe using orange croc as the main ingredient. Manolo Blahnik (who still denies being Malko's cousin) features orange croc leather strappy sandals in his fall 2009 line.

                                                                                                                              1. re: greygarious
                                                                                                                                alwayscooking Apr 23, 2009 06:04 PM

                                                                                                                                too good! I'll never look at my Manolo's the same!

                                                                                                                            2. re: PattiCakes
                                                                                                                              Veggo Apr 24, 2009 02:19 PM

                                                                                                                              Whew! I dodged a bullet with the orange Crocs. Mine are blue and legal, although I recently stepped in doggie doo and now I have a Croc of shit.

                                                                                                                            3. re: Eat_Nopal
                                                                                                                              Gio Apr 23, 2009 05:22 PM

                                                                                                                              The Italian word for KЯGLNЖ turns out to be GIRGILNICI. There is no K in the Italian language. Nevertheless Batali signs on to the Fine Living Network for 26 shows during which he proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that GIRGILNICI was originated in Italy and has many variations throughout the provinces. Notably the Venetian version which features Adriatic scallops instead of the low country goat, which lends to the aroma the over powering magnatism of the dish. Food critics worldwide rejoice.

                                                                                                                              1. re: Gio
                                                                                                                                Eat_Nopal Apr 23, 2009 05:39 PM

                                                                                                                                "The Italian word for KЯGLNЖ turns out to be GIRGILNICI"

                                                                                                                                Oh God...wait till the Sicilians find out... they will disembowel you... the Italian word is stolen from the Sicilian:

                                                                                                                                Cirneco dell' Firddezzano

                                                                                                                              2. re: Eat_Nopal
                                                                                                                                DiveFan Apr 24, 2009 04:33 PM

                                                                                                                                In response to the increasing popularity of KЯGLNЖ cuisine, chef Ming Tsai hosts a new PBS series entitled 'Simply KЯGLNЖ Meets West'. He recreates many Whoositstan recipes transcribed from ancient stone carvings, showing that Kirgilnix actually originated in China about 2200 BCE.
                                                                                                                                Soon to come, Ming Tsai branded ferret spit roasters constructed from environmentally sustainable bamboo.

                                                                                                                              3. Sam Fujisaka Apr 23, 2009 03:38 PM

                                                                                                                                In a couple of his pub, Gordon Ramsey serves KЯGLNЖ made and bagged at his central kitchen. Sniping at Ramsey by the cheap London tabloids and strife among Hounds ensues.

                                                                                                                                1. operagirl Apr 23, 2009 05:10 PM

                                                                                                                                  8a) California's first Malko's franchise opens in Chatsworth, and under contract, Rachel Ray attends the grand opening. Later referred to as the "'Yumm-o!' heard 'round the world," the event causes L.A. paparazzi to forsake their typical posts, descending on the heretofor unassuming strip mall location. Soon, a steady stream of celebrities become enamoured with kirgilnix and their accompanying paparazzi attention. Malko's is ripe for expansion. Wiping out fro-yo and cupcake trends of recent years, Malko's locations pop up all over L.A. and skyrocket in popularity. US Weekly proclaims, "Stars, they're just like us!" alongside a picture of Jennifer Garner, baby in one hand, to-go bag of kirgilnix in the other.

                                                                                                                                  1 Reply
                                                                                                                                  1. re: operagirl
                                                                                                                                    alwayscooking Apr 23, 2009 05:35 PM

                                                                                                                                    With the growing demand, new farms have sprung up in former real estate developments and ferret farmers create a national collective. The Senate is now considering subsidies.

                                                                                                                                  2. billieboy Apr 23, 2009 05:19 PM

                                                                                                                                    NEWS FLASH !!!! Ireland (Yes, the country) is suing Malko for patent infringement . They claim that KЯGLNЖ is just a direct copy of stobhach gaelach but substituting ferret for mutton. They are asking for $1.99 in damages.

                                                                                                                                    1. billieboy Apr 23, 2009 05:38 PM

                                                                                                                                      NEWS FLASH #2 Michael Pollan has dismissed KЯGLNЖ as a "food-like" product, Whoositstan loyalists are staging a sit-in as we speak. They are burning Yak skins in protest.

                                                                                                                                      1. a
                                                                                                                                        adamshoe Apr 23, 2009 07:06 PM

                                                                                                                                        NEWS FLASH # 3.... Alice Waters thumbs nose at Kirgilnix, unless you're raising locally, organically sourced ferrets (preferably your own...) and breeding your own Yaks. She prefers to gently start the stomach fermented cheese with a quick turn in her wood-burning oven prior to the underground burying of bladder and cheese. She "thumbed her nose" at the very hint of trying Wolfgang Puck's frozen (gasp...) Kirgilnix starter mix in her recent interview with Lesley Stahl. Puck was "quite peeved" according to TMZ because he "taught her all about wood burning ovens" in the first place. She thought that they all "came from the Supermarket" until he told her otherwise. adam

                                                                                                                                        1. billieboy Apr 23, 2009 08:14 PM

                                                                                                                                          NEWS FLASH #4 USDA has proclaimed that KЯGLNЖ is a sure cure for E Coli deficiency.RDA is 5000 gms.

                                                                                                                                          2 Replies
                                                                                                                                          1. re: billieboy
                                                                                                                                            PattiCakes Apr 24, 2009 05:02 AM

                                                                                                                                            Padma reveals on The View, that she had KЯGLNЖ implants done several years ago.

                                                                                                                                            1. re: PattiCakes
                                                                                                                                              c
                                                                                                                                              CucumberBoy Apr 24, 2009 09:18 AM

                                                                                                                                              >>Padma reveals on The View, that she had KЯGLNЖ implants done several years ago.<<

                                                                                                                                              You...owe...me....a....new....keyboard.

                                                                                                                                              -cb-

                                                                                                                                          2. Eat_Nopal Apr 24, 2009 02:49 PM

                                                                                                                                            Can someone please provide a Primer on Authentic Kirgilnix. There are two many posts on this thread to sift through.

                                                                                                                                            5 Replies
                                                                                                                                            1. re: Eat_Nopal
                                                                                                                                              Eat_Nopal Apr 24, 2009 02:51 PM

                                                                                                                                              The search functions is your friend... use it: http://search.chow.com/search?query=k...

                                                                                                                                              1. re: Eat_Nopal
                                                                                                                                                Wahooty Apr 24, 2009 03:17 PM

                                                                                                                                                The fact that that search actually returns TWO results just may be the funniest thing about this thread.

                                                                                                                                                1. re: Wahooty
                                                                                                                                                  Eat_Nopal Apr 24, 2009 03:47 PM

                                                                                                                                                  Unfortunately the Mods deleted this from the Bay Area Boards or there would be more results in the Search:

                                                                                                                                                  http://chowhound.chow.com/topics/6122...

                                                                                                                                                  "I am surprised there are people who don't already like or have not tried good Chicharrones.

                                                                                                                                                  My guess is that after a Pinkberry-ish enthusiasm and once the new style of Taco Trucks specializing in Acai Bowls & Chicharrones becomes mainstream... early adopting Chowhounds will pronounce these hollow & a pale comparison to the meatier lard fried rustic versions in the Carnicerias.

                                                                                                                                                  A local Carniceria will start exclusively carrying Niman Ranch pigs... and packaging them in designer, pastel colored boxes with ribbon & a special lining that conceals the fat rings... and before you know people who only started having Chicharrones yesterday will be pronouncing these the best chicharrones ever, or the best chicharrones in North America.

                                                                                                                                                  Then snobs like that EatNopales dude will make fun of people for assuming Chicharrones are always made with pork... and then he will wax poetic on Acapulco's sea bass chicharrones at which point someone will swoon and asked to be led to Sea Bass Chicharron heaven... of course within the confines of Marin County.

                                                                                                                                                  Finally, on the General Topics board... the Texans will be defending their practice of pairing Chicharrones with Kirgilnix & smothering with Kayso & Gravy."

                                                                                                                                                  1. re: Eat_Nopal
                                                                                                                                                    Veggo Apr 24, 2009 04:40 PM

                                                                                                                                                    I'm pounding down my second happy-hour bourbon and I'm mad as hell and I'll take it out on this EatNopales guy who has taken over the identity of our friend, Eat Nopal. Evidence: note the post slightly above, allegedly from Eat Nopal, stating "there are too many posts on this thread to sift through". That was post #142. Simultaneously, this same Eat Nopal imposter posted #790 on the "What do Chowhounds do for a living" thread.
                                                                                                                                                    790 is OK, but 142 isn't?
                                                                                                                                                    How could our buddy be thwarted by a 142 post hurdle in pursuit of expanding his worldly food knowledge, but dive in at #790 on a shallow topic that is for golddiggers and those with prurient interests?
                                                                                                                                                    I suspect there is an effort by North Korea to disable our site and create chaos to "soften us up" for the big showdown.

                                                                                                                                                    1. re: Veggo
                                                                                                                                                      Eat_Nopal Apr 24, 2009 04:50 PM

                                                                                                                                                      Help someone help... this is the real E_N.... get me some Authentic Kirgilnix... I will beat this imposter down with the little bones.

                                                                                                                                            2. Eat_Nopal Apr 24, 2009 06:06 PM

                                                                                                                                              Don't know if anyone reported it yet but Anne Coulter wrote a scathing article about Michelle's decision to build a barn on the white house lawn so that they could serve truly local Kirgilnix to visiting heads of state. She called it an overly political, socialist pursuit that shows weakness to other countries. She demanded the White House go back to serving Oscar Meyer hotdogs. Ketchup counts as a vegetable you know.

                                                                                                                                              5 Replies
                                                                                                                                              1. re: Eat_Nopal
                                                                                                                                                Wahooty Apr 24, 2009 06:33 PM

                                                                                                                                                Ann Coulter has not been seen or heard from recently, but reports from the latest White House dinner pronounced the kirgilnix to be surprisingly bony, bitter, and stringy, not to mention incredibly difficult to swallow. I'm sure these two things have nothing to do with one another.

                                                                                                                                                1. re: Wahooty
                                                                                                                                                  Eat_Nopal Apr 24, 2009 06:54 PM

                                                                                                                                                  That is funny Rush Limbaugh said it was the best meal of this life. He has been wanting to eat that.... Kirgilnix for a long time. He just needed a kool kat wingman to find his entry.

                                                                                                                                                  1. re: Eat_Nopal
                                                                                                                                                    Wahooty Apr 24, 2009 07:18 PM

                                                                                                                                                    Which goes down in history as the first time a meal has spat ITSELF out.

                                                                                                                                                    1. re: Wahooty
                                                                                                                                                      Eat_Nopal Apr 24, 2009 07:20 PM

                                                                                                                                                      Thanks for the laught... that was a good one.

                                                                                                                                                      1. re: Eat_Nopal
                                                                                                                                                        Wahooty Apr 24, 2009 07:24 PM

                                                                                                                                                        Ditto!

                                                                                                                                              2. Phaedrus Apr 25, 2009 06:30 PM

                                                                                                                                                Bravo! A fierce and well articulated piece. An added appearance on Bobby Flays Throwdown or a Quickfire Challenge on Top Chef for Malko's would have been the icing.

                                                                                                                                                8 Replies
                                                                                                                                                1. re: Phaedrus
                                                                                                                                                  Wahooty Apr 25, 2009 09:53 PM

                                                                                                                                                  So...write it. This is a communal effort, after all.

                                                                                                                                                  1. re: Wahooty
                                                                                                                                                    greygarious Apr 26, 2009 07:54 AM

                                                                                                                                                    The Malko thread seems to have completed its natural course, rest in peace. There will be a private service for CHers at the Dracula Cafe. On the menu will be Blutwurst KЯGLNЖ , blood pudding, Moro orange and bloodwort salad, Tarocco orange sorbet, Bloody Marys, and Egri Bikaver.

                                                                                                                                                    1. re: greygarious
                                                                                                                                                      Gio Apr 26, 2009 08:14 AM

                                                                                                                                                      Should we bring ribs?

                                                                                                                                                      1. re: Gio
                                                                                                                                                        billieboy Apr 26, 2009 08:24 AM

                                                                                                                                                        Lamb's neck marinated in Sanguinello.

                                                                                                                                                      2. re: greygarious
                                                                                                                                                        Sam Fujisaka Apr 26, 2009 08:48 AM

                                                                                                                                                        Also on the menu:

                                                                                                                                                        1. Kraft singles KЯGLNЖ
                                                                                                                                                        2. Aerosol can KЯGLNЖ
                                                                                                                                                        3. Gluten & HFCS & peanut & seafood free KЯGLNЖ for those of us with fake allergies
                                                                                                                                                        4. Organic locavore KЯGLNЖ made from carob & dope by Alice Waters
                                                                                                                                                        5. Vegan fair trade KЯGLNЖ from Whole Foods at $1,000 per serving
                                                                                                                                                        6. Southern KЯGLNЖ deep fried by a woman showing cleavage
                                                                                                                                                        7. "Real" BBQ KЯGLNЖ using indirect long smoking (swsidejim, where are you?)
                                                                                                                                                        8. Third person KЯGLNЖ made by jfood
                                                                                                                                                        9. Cyrovaced KЯGLNЖ made in Gordon Ramsey's central kitchen
                                                                                                                                                        10. "Authentic" KЯGLNЖ brought by Eat_Nopal
                                                                                                                                                        11. KЯGLNЖ for less than $1.00 purchased by rworange from somewhere obscure
                                                                                                                                                        12. KЯGLNЖ with Cuban cigars hidden inside provided by veggo
                                                                                                                                                        13. KЯGLNЖ accompanied by 1000 pages of concise explanatory text by applehome, MakingSense, and AlanBarnes
                                                                                                                                                        14. I'll bring my homemade KЯGLNЖ left out on the counter for a week
                                                                                                                                                        15. And 100 other versions supplied by other hounds

                                                                                                                                                        1. re: Sam Fujisaka
                                                                                                                                                          billieboy Apr 26, 2009 09:01 AM

                                                                                                                                                          Sam, just wondering. Did you cook your KЯGLNЖ in the Le Creuset Dijon Or Citron Yellow Dutch Oven?

                                                                                                                                                          1. re: billieboy
                                                                                                                                                            Sam Fujisaka Apr 26, 2009 09:25 AM

                                                                                                                                                            Uncoated aluminum pot by Imusa (Colombian).

                                                                                                                                                        2. re: greygarious
                                                                                                                                                          Wahooty Apr 26, 2009 10:30 AM

                                                                                                                                                          {pours out a bit of her melon wine in honor of the kirgilnix thread}

                                                                                                                                                          All good things must come to an end. R.I.P., fallen comrade.

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