503879 Fri Mar 28 20:36:43 -0700 2008 77 29 Not About Food 0 3539390 Do you automatically ask, "Would you like me to bring anything?" Or do you think it impolite? If they say no, do you still bring SOMETHING, like wine? Have you ever brought a dish unsolicited? Fri Mar 28 20:36:43 -0700 2008 105717 alkapal 1 3539471 I usually ask if I should bring red or white - in England it's unheard of to go to a friend's for dinner without bringing wine. I'd never bring a dish unless asked to 'cos that's a bit weird. I might sometimes take flowers or homemade fudge/truffles. Fri Mar 28 21:07:10 -0700 2008 3539390 110146 greedygirl 1 3539515 These have been regularly recurring questions on this board. Let me suggest that the consensus seems to be that it is fine to bring a hostess or host gift of a bottle of wine, but you should not assume or insist that it be served at the dinner -- they may have taken great care with their wine choices and preparation. It is also quite ok to ask if you can assist by bringing a dish, more borderline to suggest that you provide a certain dish, and you should NOT bring a dish unsolicited or unexpected. [Everyone remember the guest who brought his own ribs to the bbq?] Flowers, a bit surprisingly to me, get a mixed reception -- some hostesses are perturbed to have to accept flowers, find a vase, water them, and arrange and display them all as things are coming to a head in the kitchen for service of the meal. If I am not under time pressure to arrive at the meal, I often call in the morning and mention that my route to the hosts will take me by such-and-such market, so please call me if there is a last-minute item I can pick up on the way. This is rarely followed up on, but on the couple of rare occasions it was greatly appreciated that I could provide the missing cream for the coffee or extra sticks of butter that saved them a hassle at the last minute. Fri Mar 28 21:32:58 -0700 2008 3539390 10855 nosh 2 3539539 Definately bring wine if you know they like wine, but it is a gift to THEM, and you shoudl not expect them to open it and serve it with the dinner. NEVER bring a dish unless specificially asked to do so. Flowers are nice, but not when handed over and the hostess must contend with getting them placed in a vase etc...while her careful timing of dinner gets thrown off whack. Having them delivered the morning of the dinner usually gets a huge smile. Thank you note after and an invite to your place sometime in return is also polite. Fri Mar 28 21:49:20 -0700 2008 3539515 61669 Quine 3 3550008 everytime i host and someone brings wine, i ask them if they would like me to open it for drinking during that occasion. while i understand it is a gift for me, sometimes people bring something very special that they intend to share with present company and I always want to honor that. Tue Apr 01 12:34:57 -0700 2008 3539539 13235 lotta_cox 4 3551812 If you are bringing a very special wine that you intend to share, do that, just don't try to pass it off as a hostess/host gift. That makes it not a gift; more like a BYOB. Tue Apr 01 21:29:31 -0700 2008 3550008 61669 Quine 2 3543149 Nosh, I think that's a great idea to ask if there's something you can pick up on your way over! I always do this with my parents, but it never occurred to me to ask anyone else. Sun Mar 30 11:39:28 -0700 2008 3539515 86402 brandygirl 1 3539575 I never ask. I always bring something. I never bring a dish (e.g. a main entree) If I bring something edible (e.g. fruit or wine) I never expect it to be consumed at the dinner party. It's for the host at a later time. Fri Mar 28 22:10:52 -0700 2008 3539390 11583 ipsedixit 2 3539585 I am almost with jpsedixit on this one, I always ask and always bring something but if I was told not to bring something for the dinner I will bring wine, fruit, cookies, flowers or some super cool jam, (tomato right now is my big thing) or vinegar for them to use later. Fri Mar 28 22:14:59 -0700 2008 3539575 96905 bubbles4me 2 3539788 I always ask too. True on the other points. Flowers are good too. Sat Mar 29 03:59:15 -0700 2008 3539575 11104 dolores 3 3542209 Dolores Interesting note about the flowers. When I'm going to people's houses I know, I always bring a bottle of wine, and usually bring a dessert (cookies), in case they have made dessert, I don't want mine to compete. But the flower thing is a dicey one. I once brought a lovely arrangement to someone's house and they looked like they had been given a pet skunk. I quickly realized that this new couple didn't have a proper vase. They took the flowers and put them in another room and when I walked by I noticed them laying on a table. A day or two later, I was at their house, the flowers were nowhere to be seen. I was somewhat offended. Sun Mar 30 01:05:11 -0700 2008 3539788 165800 jhopp217 4 3542280 Wow, jhopp217, that is strange. I have NEVER been at a shower where the bride-to-be didn't get at least one vase. At worst, didn't they have a 'water bottle'? Growing up and even now, we are never without a 'water bottle' in the frig. In a pinch, it can serve as a 'vase'. Sun Mar 30 04:01:31 -0700 2008 3542209 11104 dolores 5 3542303 But who wants to deal with "finding something for the flowers"while trying to host dinner/party? I'm not a flower person. I find the pain/reward ratio not worth it. Dh loves flowers so we have many vases, but back in my pre-Dh days, if I had a vase it was probably in the attic or a cabinet that is never used or I might not have been able to locate it. And we don't have a "water bottle" in the frig. Sun Mar 30 04:54:11 -0700 2008 3542280 11990 Janet from Richmond 6 3542386 Janet - I'm with you on the dealing with it thing. I adore flowers and have quite a few vases that I have collected over the years (no bridal shower - eloped). However, I have to store them on the top shelf of a bookshelf in my tiny kitchen. So, if I had my druthers, I'd prefer that people not bring me cut flowers when they arrive at my house for a dinner party. My kitchen is TINY, I have about 4 square feet of counter space, and by dinner time, I usually have that space full of things in various stages of preparation for the dinner and the sink is doing some major multitasking as well. For me to get down a vase if someone brings me cut flowers, I have to go get the ladder, climb up it, bring down the vase, etc., in my kitchen that sadly opens right up on to the living room - you get the picture. This, while I'd rather be greeting guests, pouring drinks, attending to the food etc. If someone does bring me flowers I'm completely gracious about it, but it's actually much nicer if someone sends flowers as a thank you the next day, or sends them ahead of time. Though - my apartment is also pretty small, and when I'm entertaining, I buy flowers and arrange them in various parts of the apartment, and there probably isn't a nice appropriate space to put flowers brought by a guest without my doing some juggling. Sun Mar 30 06:14:35 -0700 2008 3542303 10985 MMRuth 7 3542437 Absolutely. I will never bring flowers again. Sun Mar 30 06:47:53 -0700 2008 3542386 11104 dolores 8 3542590 <Absolutely. I will never bring flowers again.> Don't make a rule like that. I LOVE to get flowers. never had a bridal shower, but definitely always have something to put flowers in! and there can never be too many flowers in the house, imho. I would much prefer flowers to boxed cookies or "meh" wine, and most of my friends/family are like-minded. Plus, at least around here, it's easier to find mid-price flowers than wine (especially if you really want to please your host. As well, you could bring a small potted plant. It's in its own container! Sun Mar 30 08:00:51 -0700 2008 3542437 52499 ChefJune 9 3543158 If I want to bring flowers as a hostess gift, I only bring them if they are already in a vase or I bring a potted plant. I think it's rude to bring something like cut flowers wrapped in plastic and expect the hostess to stop everything to find a vase. The hostess (or host) has enough to do. Sun Mar 30 11:43:17 -0700 2008 3542590 86402 brandygirl 10 3543204 I agree with brandy on the flowers already being pre-arranged, or a potted plant. A low care plant at that, unless I know the person has a green thumb! I hesitate to bring wine because what I like might not be something they would. My MIL bought all the adult family members a bottle of wine for Christmas one year, probably 2 years ago. It was not very good, and my daughter still has hers in her spare fridge. Sun Mar 30 12:01:36 -0700 2008 3543158 80937 danhole 9 3544843 Oh, ChefJune, make no mistake. I will continue to bring flowers. Mon Mar 31 05:37:44 -0700 2008 3542590 11104 dolores 9 3549037 I absolutely love fresh flowers! I am so happy when people bring me flowers because Fiance rarely gets me flowers and I often just don't think it is something I should spend money on so when I get them it is really special for me. Don't stop bringing flowers to people who enjoy them. This is my absolute favorite hostess gift to receive actually. You don't even need to bring them in a vase, you collect so many over the years, I probably have over 10 and am in my early twenties. Tue Apr 01 08:49:24 -0700 2008 3542590 92426 ktmoomau 10 3549715 kt, i was thinking about this thread, and what most occurred to me ('cause i like flowers as well as giving them, and as you i am husband-flower-deprived) IS: if you know your host(ess), do what makes him/her happy! personally, i love to get flowers, and if i am in a rush, i will invite the gifter of flowers to get a vase from my stock and set 'em up! (because usually in my home, the guest is a friend....) Tue Apr 01 11:36:27 -0700 2008 3549037 105717 alkapal 7 3552993 I totally agree with Janet and MMRuth, I do love fresh flowers, and am very grateful and gracious when I receive them, however, when someone brings flowers just as people are arriving and they need to be placed in a vase it's really the last thing I want to add to my list of things to do. I;d much rather be getting my guests some drinks! I agree with others that you should bring something in the way of a hostess gift. I tend to bring wine (and no, I don't expect it to be opened that night), or I have a couple friends that don't drink and will go the candles/chocolates route when visiting them. Here's a story that sticks out as one of the most thoughtful things anyone has ever done when coming to my house...I have an annual holiday party and one of my gilfriends brought a selection of cheeses. With that, she had picked up a festive red plate and a cheese knife. She plated everything and put it on the table without my needing to do a thing. Since then, I always think of that when I consider what to bring to someone's house. Wed Apr 02 09:30:13 -0700 2008 3542386 115445 SweetPea914 8 3553426 Oh well getting drinks is what the Fiance is for! Sous-chef bartender whatever I need.... He is great at that sort of thing. Plus I just cut the flowers quick and put them in a vase... If I want to rearrange and cut better maybe later but normally it is a quick cut of all the stems under the water at an angle and add some sprite and water to a vase. Wed Apr 02 11:07:14 -0700 2008 3552993 92426 ktmoomau 5 3542567 That makes sense, dolores, but not everyone is married and not all married women have bridal showers. (I adore flowers, but I rarely splurge on them for myself. I think many people fit into that category and are thrilled to receive them.) Sun Mar 30 07:52:52 -0700 2008 3542280 15562 nc213 5 3544693 Some brides didn't have bridal showers! The point is, it can seem a little insensitive for someone to bring a gift that requires work on the part of the host(ess). I'm all for receiving flowers if they're either already arranged and in a vase or relatively easy to deal with (think bunch of tulips). But please don't hand me a bunch of roses that I have to de-thorn and trim and whatnot! Edited to add: Ok, sorry, I replied without seeing the other responses! Mon Mar 31 02:29:33 -0700 2008 3542280 14139 Kagey 4 3544137 If you want to bring flowers to someone, it seems that unless you know they will have a vase readily available that you should provide a vase as well. It doesn't have to be anything fancy, you can find some pretty decent ones at any of the discount home stores at quite reasonable prices. Sun Mar 30 18:44:12 -0700 2008 3542209 57890 KaimukiMan 1 3539831 It always depend what is the relation with your "friends" and the occasion for the dinner. For something more formal, I will bring flowers and some sort of alcool (again, it depends, wine or porto, ... not to be drink the same night) For less formal, I will ask if I can bring something, like good olives, or other finger food for the drinks before and will bring some wine to go with the party. even if they say "don't bring anything", don't come in empty handed, and, maybe in that case, don't bring "food related" stuff. Sat Mar 29 04:57:36 -0700 2008 3539390 11828 Maximilien 1 3539865 I always ask. And I never take food unless it's requested. I will bring wine and/or liquor (depending on who is having the party). And if it's a very good friend, I will call an hour or so beforehand to see if there are any last minute items they need such as ice, mixers or the like and very often that's a very welcomed call. Sat Mar 29 05:39:40 -0700 2008 3539390 11990 Janet from Richmond 1 3539882 I always ask if I can bring something. Usually I get a request for wine or bread. If I get no request, I bring wine. As a host, I'm asked the same question and I always reply "no, just bring yourself (or selves)". And I mean that. I have wine and other alcohol and sodas/juices on hand. I may say "I've got red and white wines and some beer, but if you want to drink something else, bring that". I truly do not expect my guests to bring something, because their company is the greatest present that they can bring. Seriously. That said, they usually bring wine anyway and now I've got quite a bigger stash of wine than I can use, so I usually bring a bottle that I've been gifted. Anecdote: one of my friends is a real cat person (5 of her own, she takes strays to get neutered, etc.) so she brought a couple of bottles of "Herding Cats" wine to a party I hosted. Well, at her next event, I told her I'd bring some wine, namely the "herding cats" wine that she'd brought to the earlier event (since we didnt' drink the 2nd bottle). She broke out into a grin and said "thank you! I really wanted to keep the bottle, but I didn't think it would be right to ask for the bottle back!" We still chuckle over this. Sat Mar 29 05:54:10 -0700 2008 3539390 131171 nofunlatte 1 3540019 The only time i have ever brought even a side dish to someone else's dinner, is if it's a casual bbq or a pot-luck type deal (big family type dinners can also fit into this category too sometimes). I will sometimes ask if i can bring dessert. I usually show up with SOMETHING when i go to someone else's house though, even if it's a bottle of wine. I bought some home made truffles to two different houses this week when invited to dinners and a weekend visit (plus several other items for the weekend visit). Heck i even bring home loads of stuff when i visit my parents. But, kinda know your host.... one poster mentioned bringing jams or olives etc. I have several jars of jams and jellies in my cupboard from very well intentioned friends, which, don't get me wrong, i VERY much appreciated....but i rarely if ever eat jam, don't really care for it on toast, and use it only in baking. Also i think it has been said before on the boards....but i think it's in very poor taste to bring something to a dinner party SOLELY for a picky eater, and not as a gift for the host. And i'm not talking about the kids here. Sat Mar 29 07:14:25 -0700 2008 3539390 153184 im_nomad 2 3540075 Send it my way, I'm a jelly/jam whore <G>. But you are right about knowing your audience. Several years ago went to a friends house for a cookout and she had made some of the best bread & butter pickles and I complimented her on them. Several months later we invited them over and she came with two jars of those pickles....best hostess gift I ever received. Sat Mar 29 07:39:16 -0700 2008 3540019 11990 Janet from Richmond 1 3540106 Some really good posts and advice here, very CH. We always ask and always take something, usually wine but sometimes a hostess/host gift. We quit doing the flowers thing a few years ago when a hostess just tossed them to one side and left them there all evening, probably still there for all we know. I particularly like the post offering to pick up any last minute items on the way, we usually call just before we leave 1) to give warning of our impending arrival and 2) to offer to pick up any forgotten items on the way. We never take an unsolicited dish unless it is some kind of known favorite delicacy for the host/hostess which is not intended to be part of the meal and can be consumed at leisure after our departure. Sat Mar 29 07:53:54 -0700 2008 3539390 83530 giveittomikey 1 3540111 I always ask, and am constitutionally incapable of arriving as a guest empty-handed. I would never DREAM of bringing a dish unasked. That is just unbelievably rude. I have brought wine, pretty candles, home-baked cookies or bread (not to be had at dinner, and the host should be told, "This is just for you."). I generally don't bring flowers as it forces the host/ess to stop what they are doing and find something to do with them (this is also a pet peeve of mine as a hostess-- I'm very picky about flowers). Sat Mar 29 07:56:23 -0700 2008 3539390 161840 cheeseguysgirl 2 3542182 I also do not like the flowers. I am allergic to pollen, and many flowers make me ill. And I think scented ones can disrupt the meal. That said, if someone brought them, I would have to throw them aside; I don't own a vase! (I suppose I could use a glass.) Sun Mar 30 00:23:27 -0700 2008 3540111 161585 miss_bennet 1 3540537 I agree with Maximilien - depends on who it is and how close I am with them. It seems if you don't know them well, stick with traditional etiquette that says don't go empty-handed but also don't take something you expect the host/hostess to consume right away. It's a gift so they get to do with it whatever they like. Sat Mar 29 10:37:31 -0700 2008 3539390 27357 PDeveaux 1 3541206 mrs jfood always replies, "Is there anything I can bring." If there is a "nothing" from the host(ess) then jfood always brings a nice bottle of wine. Jfood, as host, always tries to have soup to nuts prepared and always says nothing. And if the company brings wine he always offers to open it. If they say no please keep for another time, then he does. As for flowers. ALthough the jfoods love flowers and have vases of them all the time in the house, they are difficult when brought to a dinner. There is lots of activity and jfood is very planned so they normally go in the corner until afterwards. Jfood would not want to trade a burnt or spoiled dish for the flowers cut and in the vase. Sometimes mrs jfood grabs them and brings to the library and throws in a vase until later so they are at least in water. jfood would NEVER (all caps intentional) bring a dish unsolicited but some have done so to casa jfood. It is usually a pie or a cake from a jfood favorite bakery and they know jfood would never turn down one of his favorite desserts. Sometimes they are served to the company and sometimes they are served after company leaves with a glass of milk and a cuddle with mrs jfood. Sat Mar 29 15:18:52 -0700 2008 3539390 11290 jfood 2 3541215 That's pretty much what I do, except for the cuddling with mrs. jfood. One of the favorite "hostess" gifts that I've received was some lovely baked goods and jams from a nearby bakery along with some freshly squeezed orange juice, to have for breakfast the next morning. Sat Mar 29 15:21:40 -0700 2008 3541206 10985 MMRuth 3 3541220 that's called a delayed cuddle. Sat Mar 29 15:24:54 -0700 2008 3541215 11290 jfood 3 3542523 I agree that a thoughtful "breakfast" basket is a terrific hostess gift when invited for dinner-- Great idea I got from a previous thread about gifts for dinner invites. So nice to have something for the hosts to look forward to in the morning. At times, though,especially if I know the hosts and their likes I may send an arranged floral arrangement before the dinner. Sun Mar 30 07:32:42 -0700 2008 3541215 44946 foodseek 4 3542529 "At times, though,especially if I know the hosts and their likes I may send an arranged floral arrangement before the dinner." I think you've hit the nail on the head with this - it's important to know their likes when doing this. Sun Mar 30 07:34:04 -0700 2008 3542523 10985 MMRuth 1 3541264 Hmmm, no one here is a dessert-bringer? I find that most people are either dessert-bringers or liquor-bringers and I belong to the dessert-bringer tribe. At thanksgiving dinner there is usually around a pie and a half per person. I once got yelled at for bringing dessert to a friend's home, so I now bring wine to her house. I do not have any expectation that the host should serve what I bring. I also ask what can I bring and call earlier in the day. I would never go someplace emptyhanded. I am not shy about asking someone to contribute when offered, at least from good friends. I am not a salad person and a friend (actually the one who yelled at me for bringing dessert), makes a good salad, so if I am having a bbq, I will ask her to bring a salad. Also I might ask someone to bring coffee, because I do not drink coffee, so if someone brings coffee, I can return the leftover to the giver, rather than have it go to waste at my home. Based on reading these kind of threads, I am considering doing hostess gifts when in doubt about the appropriateness of bringing dessert. Sat Mar 29 15:42:07 -0700 2008 3539390 18970 Val55 2 3541402 see, dessert is a dish, a course, part of my planned dinner that I invited you to. NEVER bring a dish (any course, dish, type etc) unless specfically asked. It only seems to say "I did not think yours would be enough/good/wanted...so I brought my own" I am very clear if I am inviting people to my place for dinner. If I say dinner I mean, I am planning it, preparing it. If I mean pot-luck gathering, I will say that and tell you that please bring a starter, a salad, a dessert Sat Mar 29 16:26:21 -0700 2008 3541264 61669 Quine 3 3541507 I think that was my friend's issue. She did make a dessert. In my defense I would not have brought a dessert to a formal dinner party or to a person's home I did not know well. This was a spaghetti dinner and I had no problem that my dessert was not served. My friend did not want the extra sweets in her home (personally, I would have just taken them to work the next day). In my experience, and I now understand that this is not universal, dessert is a common hostess gift. Even when the dinner is otherwise planned, coffee and dessert is often informal and a lot of desserts are put out. It does not say pot luck and I don't think it is the equivalent of bringing a turkey to a dinner party. That said, I do now think twice before bringing a dessert. Sat Mar 29 17:12:55 -0700 2008 3541402 18970 Val55 4 3541573 "Even when the dinner is otherwise planned, coffee and dessert is often informal" I just can't imagine planning a dinner and leaving the final (and some might say crowning) touch unplanned and informal. Perhaps this is regional? Again, "This was a spaghetti dinner" for me, no matter what was served if it was an invited dinner, means the host, planned it. great and fun dinner party I attended was a "Fast Food Manic" theme, all fast foods, served very formally. It was a huge giggle and very fun....and totally planned. Guests should just be guests, and polite. Not bring things the host is not going to serve, must store, to use or give away (to bring to work or pass off to another). A hostess/host gift shouldl be something that can be politely accepted, and not demanding in any way of the hoestess/host..vase, place to put/store, way to use when they can't (i.e. spoilage). To me being a good guest is that I, in no way, place any burdens on the host. Sat Mar 29 17:41:54 -0700 2008 3541507 61669 Quine 2 3542283 Neither me or SO are really big dessert people. I will make a pie, in season, when I have apples to deal with. When we have guests for dinner I usually accepted the offer for contributing dessert. Usually they know me and understand that dessert might not be forthcoming unless they bring it. I usually tell them to surprise me. I have asked for a loaf of bread before. That or they KNOW to bring a bottle of red. Sun Mar 30 04:18:23 -0700 2008 3541264 137946 Scargod 2 3549064 I am fine with dessert bringers as it will give me a nice dessert I won't have to make for the next week or so. A friend of mine always brings Martha Stewart cookies as hostess gifts. But I don't feel the need to serve people that dessert which is brought. I think it is fine to bring dessert as long as you aren't expecting to be served yours as it is a gift for the host. I normally bring champagne myself, or flowers for my Southern girlfriends, but I am very careful about brining liquor to people I don't know well. A friend of mine is an alcoholic he always gets desserts brought to him as a hostess gift and I grew up near amish country where many people did not drink so I am rather careful, but most people inviting Fiance and I over are normally known well by at least one of us. Tue Apr 01 08:57:33 -0700 2008 3541264 92426 ktmoomau 1 3541480 I always ask, and if my friend says no to bringing something over, I never do it. My friends and I have an understanding about this, and we are not shy about asking for help or contributions. So if one says no, then one really means it. Case close. No second guessing. Sat Mar 29 16:58:49 -0700 2008 3539390 12045 gloriousfood 1 3541884 isn't it funny how in late adolescence/early 20's/college years we had to specify BYOB and later when one may have the resources to provide, the issue is an embarrassment of excess? Sat Mar 29 20:16:54 -0700 2008 3539390 163722 hill food 1 3542212 I always ask, and nine times out of ten, the person says "no." So I bring a bottle of wine. Nothing crazy $15-20 bottle, or if I'm unsure of the meal, one white and one red between $10-$15. If it's people I know, I'll grab a pie, cake, or cookies. Unless they tell me about dessert. Bringing a dish is a rough one for a dinner, because of many reasons. What if it isn't a good match to their meal? What if it's the best thing at the table (awkward)? And what if they take it the wrong way? I always ask, and always bring something regardless. Unless specifically told not to for a reason - nce told not to because of a child's allergies. Sun Mar 30 01:11:19 -0700 2008 3539390 165800 jhopp217 1 3542440 wow! NO MORE FLOWERS! Sun Mar 30 06:49:17 -0700 2008 3539390 105717 alkapal 2 3542492 One answer of course, would be to bring arranged flowers in a vase, but the trick there is that, in some cultures, that can be considered rude, suggesting that hostess doesn't have the ability to arrange them herself! Apparently that is true in France, where I've also read that it is rude to bring wine, because it suggests that the host doesn't have an adequate wine cellar, or has not provisioned properly for his or her guests. Ah, the many mine fields! Bottles of wine are always welcome in my home! (And as I said, I'd never reject or be rude about flowers - I was just trying to explain why, for me, they are less than ideal as a gift, given my particular timing/space issues.) Sun Mar 30 07:18:49 -0700 2008 3542440 10985 MMRuth 3 3544089 Between the cultural issues and the personal preferences, "what to bring to dinner" truly is a mine field! FWIW, I enjoy receiving flowers as a gift, but I certainly understand how people would find that irritating. It is a hassle to deal with for many people. Many people seem to enjoy receiving small gifts of food, like homemade cookies or chocolates or jams, which I find a bit irritating. After my dinner parties, I don't want to eat that sort of stuff and I don't want it around the house (too tempting). I don't eat jam very often, either. Just don't want to eat the stuff out of a feeling of obligation. Sun Mar 30 18:23:43 -0700 2008 3542492 131171 nofunlatte 4 3562616 To me, the problem with flowers is that they often require immediate attention from the hostess if they aren't already in a vase. When they are already in a vase, I'm often unhappy with how unappealing the vase is. And then there are other issues, For instance, in Iran, giving someone yellow roses is an ultimate insult. So I just skip flowers altogether. But a nice plant can be charming, and doesn't require immediate attention. The one thing I always try to make clear is that whatever I bring is not intended to be part of the evening's festivities. It is for my hosts to enjoy at their leasure. Or stick in the freezer. Or use as a hostess gift the next time they're invited out. Hey! Fruticake! '-) Fri Apr 04 14:42:39 -0700 2008 3544089 112096 Caroline1 5 3563375 Thank you for being honest about how you sometimes don't like the vase. You have freed me to admit I am a flower snob. There. I've said it. I know it's horridly unpopular to be ungrateful for someone giving you a hostess gift, but I cannot stand daisies, mums, or carnations, the most common flowers around. I would rather have a single orchid, or tulip, or gladiola, or lily, than a roomful of filler flowers. When a guest shows up with a bouquet of filler, I graciously say thank you and find a vase for them, but I hate looking at them. My close friends know about this quirk, so never buy me flowers. Plants are just fine. Love them. But because I am so picky, I don't ever buy flowers for others. You never know. Simple hostess gifts are best, especially when you make clear they are gifts, not expected for use on that night. Fri Apr 04 19:42:57 -0700 2008 3562616 161840 cheeseguysgirl 6 3564649 And then there are allergies. Flowers are a very risky hostessss -- ahCHOO! -- gift. And the more guests are present, the more likely someone will be allergic to them. :Daisies and mums are big culprits. Tulips are moderately safe. But why risk it? Not a lot of people are allergic to heart leaf philodendron. I'm debating whether to share what I think is a very funny hostess gift incident. I know some will think I'm terrible for telling it, but hey, what the heck. Had a new neighbor years ago. She was young. Husband wasn't. Trophy wife more than willing to claw her way to the top. I was giving a dinner party, and added them to the guest list. It was back when we lived in the beach condo in Del Mar. I'd been in a shop in La Jolla the day before and looked over their sale table. No Dansk ice buckets, but lots of things like plastic strainers and paper cocktail napkins that no one wanted for 75% off. So the afternoon of the dinner, trophy wife comes over with this little shopping bag from the upscale shop with the downscale sale, hands it to me and says, "I didn't want to embarass any of your other guests by being the only one who brings a hostess gift, so I thought I'd bring this over early." I gritted my teeth and said thank you, furious inside that she was judging my friends without ever having met them! But my friends all did me proud! Trophy Wife and husband were the first to arrive. Other guests brought things like a large bottle of Chivas Regal, a gorgeous bottle of champagne, a pack of six dozen escargot with shells (a personal weakness), and other magnificent goodies. Inside, I gloated! Okay. You can call me a witch now. But it was a fun evening. And dinner was great too! I guess the moral is, just be kind with a hostess gift. Don't try to show anyone up. It can backfire seriously! '-) Sat Apr 05 11:37:35 -0700 2008 3563375 112096 Caroline1 5 3577866 Caroline! Gawd!! Perhaps the plant will have a yucky color of foil around the plastic pot, or the pot will be plastic, or the plant will smell wrong, or something else they don't like. How much attention do flowers require to be stuck in water...any water? You could just drop them in the spare toilet. PS: we are not in Iran. (A Texan who use to live nearby. :) ) Wed Apr 09 12:45:56 -0700 2008 3562616 137946 Scargod 1 3542594 Yep. Always ask, always bring either a red or white or both. When we have people over, they also bring wine. We drink a LOT of wine, and who wants to run out halfway through the evening. As for dishes -- only when the host specifically asks me to bring one. Flowers -- never. Too much of a hassle. Sun Mar 30 08:02:35 -0700 2008 3539390 116513 linguafood 2 3542642 Don't get me wrong, I think picking up a few bottles of vino is the easiest thing, esoecially on those occasions you aactually know what will be served, but I think wine begins another dilemma. What if you know wine and your hosts do not? Do you get the same thing you'd get if you went to a wine enthusiast's party? Here's why I ask - I went to a dinner party once and brought three nice bottles of wine, not necessarily expensive, but let's say they matched their cost. I picked up a $10, a $15, and a $25 bottle. I handed them to the host, who I know doesn't "know" wine and said "this is a really good one "pointed to the more expensive of the three. He proceeded to put that wine out with chips and salsa and dip. Obviously, because of this, nobody noticed that it was actually a decent wine. Then we didn't see the other wines, which is fine, but I was a little upset that the nicer of the wines was served with something that obviously kills the taste of wine. Sun Mar 30 08:24:22 -0700 2008 3542594 165800 jhopp217 3 3542844 But unless the host asked you to bring wine to compliment the dinner, the wine you brought as a host(ess) gift should have been just that--a gift. The host(ess) is free to do what ever he or she pleases with a gift--serve it with chips and salsa, re-gift it, use it to make the toilet water a cool color, anything. Once you give a gift, you have no right to be upset about what the recipient does with the gift. Sun Mar 30 09:52:14 -0700 2008 3542642 75461 smarsh 3 3542862 Wow. I could never afford to spend $50 on a "gift" if invited to dinner. If someone brought 3 bottles of wine to dinner at my house, I'd probably be uncomfortable. And, you can't really be upset about how the wine was served. It was a gift to them, and you said yourself that they don't *know* wine. Have them over to your house and serve a good wine properly rather than bringing them 3 bottles to contend with. I think some of this is regional. Out here in the wild southwest, things seem much more casual to me. We recently had friends over for dinner. It was interesting to me because I expected nothing, asked for nothing, and one couple brought nothing while the other couple brought wine - a very nice bottle, too. They recently moved here from NYC though. I guess we're just not that sophisticated. We all usually go out for dinner. Not very many friends of mine like to cook. Sun Mar 30 10:00:05 -0700 2008 3542642 173425 Jen76 4 3543335 We're in Arizona. I've never had a dinner guest show up empty handed...usually chocolates or flowers, sometimes wine(my husband is a non-drinker so our closer friends usually don't bring wine as they prefer to bring something he'll enjoy as well). Friday night a girlfriend brought a bottle of unique jam for us. I don't expect anything nor require anything just never had someone show up empty handed. We're in our 40s, maybe it's an age thing. When invited we'll ask if we can bring something and if requested to that's what we do. Otherwise we'll also show up with a bottle of wine, a bottle of better olive oil, or some other small item we think the hostess might enjoy. I rarely take flowers for the reason given and don't bring anything I"ve cooked myself unless specifically asked to do so. Sun Mar 30 12:56:24 -0700 2008 3542862 16406 ziggylu 1 3543407 Everyone has had some great suggestions on how to be a good guest. Like many others, I always offer to bring something. I'm pretty young and haven't attended many "formal" dinner parties, and I tend to be known as the "chef" of my social circle, so my offer to provide a dish has yet to be turned down. I just thought I'd share my take on invite ettiquite a-la-college style. When I was in college (not so long ago), a friend of mine and her boyfriend would host parties at his apartment on a fairly regular basis - everyone always brought something, whether it was something to nibble on, alcohol, mixers, or ice. I usually brought red wine or rum, depending on my mood... I lived several blocks away and there were some long dark stretches of city between their house and mine. Walking up around 9 or 10 wasn't bad, but I walked back alone at 3 am once and it was a bit scary. After that, I would never walk home unless someone was headed my way and could accompany me. My friend and her boyfriend were always very generous and let me and other partiers crash in the living room. Most of the others would just wake up and leave. Whenever I woke up, I would start collecting all the trash from the night before, I'd wash whatever dishes were on the table/sink/counter, and I'd wash up any sticky spots I could find from spilt beer/wine/liqour. If they were up by that time, then I would take my friend and her boyfriend out to breakfast at a great place around the corner from the apartment. If they were still asleep, I'd slip out quietly and call them later to take them out to dinner. They always appreciated the clean up and the morning after pancake binge. Of course, this is something you should only do with very close friends! Sun Mar 30 13:29:50 -0700 2008 3539390 153129 Antithesisofpop 2 3544070 Wow, what a thoughtful guest you were! Cleaning up and doing the dishes--I'd love it if someone did that for me! Even if they just offered and I declined the offer. I would still truly appreciate their generous offer. Sun Mar 30 18:16:58 -0700 2008 3543407 131171 nofunlatte 1 3549817 I must be exceptionally weird. I always bring lemons from my tree - usually a big shopping bag's worth. So far it's always been well received. When I have other things in the garden, I'll take that instead. And I don't grow zucchini. If I'm out of town and invited over, I bring a bottle of wine or a small box of candy. Tue Apr 01 11:59:10 -0700 2008 3539390 50515 512window 2 3549850 I think things from the garden or home grown lemons sound delightful. No lemon trees here in Virginia, but home grown tomatoes or other veggies or herbs would be most welcomed. Tue Apr 01 12:05:45 -0700 2008 3549817 11990 Janet from Richmond 3 3549860 I do to - absolutely - though as a Manhattanite, I'm likely to receive them! I do covet my cookbook author neighbor's herb garden in front of her townhouse though .... Tue Apr 01 12:07:41 -0700 2008 3549850 10985 MMRuth 4 3553132 M- Interesting, I think I know which house your referring to (the one with huge kitchen and about a 100 copper pots on the ground floor??), but didn't know she was a cookbook author. Could you post the Author's name or email it to me? TX, J Wed Apr 02 09:59:12 -0700 2008 3549860 115445 SweetPea914 2 3549877 I would love lemons from your tree, as well as jams, flowers, wine, cookies, chocolates, whatever. What I don't particularly enjoy is bath type gifts - lotions, potions, soaps, etc. I'm extremely sensitive to artificial (and some natural) scents. Tue Apr 01 12:11:47 -0700 2008 3549817 11053 thenurse 1 3550000 i always bring wine even if they say no. i would never bring a dish if they said no. Tue Apr 01 12:32:56 -0700 2008 3539390 13235 lotta_cox 1 3552813 I usually ask. If they say "sure," I clarify what I can/should bring. If they say no, I bring a default gift such as wine, flowers in a vase or (store-bought) dessert. I think it impolite to visit anyone without also bringing a little something to show your gratitude for their hospitality, but I would be presumptuous if I brought a dish to someone's home unannounced. If the dinner is very informal, I may offer to make a run to the grocery store for any last-minute needs as a hostess gift. Wed Apr 02 08:46:31 -0700 2008 3539390 68363 JungMann 1 3553077 I found what I thought would be a nice hostess gift at Homegoods. It was a boxed set that included a small decorative cheese board, a cheese knife, and paper cocktail napkins. The patterns on the ceramic knife handle and cocktail napkins matched the border of the cheese board. It was around $15. It was a big hit, and I went back and bought a few more to keep around as gifts. Everyone has really liked this gift, and it requires no fussing with. They can use it right away or not. Homegoods is a great spot for hostess gifts, BTW. I also have given boxed sets of cheese knives I found at Homegoods. $10 for a set, and I have always gotten an appreciative thank you for them. I've found that many people won't buy themself these type serving items, though they really appreciate getting them. I do love flowers, and getting them as gifts. But then again, I collect vases of a certain type and color, so everyone knows I have them on hand. Wed Apr 02 09:50:49 -0700 2008 3539390 95489 mschow 1 3558774 I have some friends have insisted on bringing a dish -- even when I say that I have everything covered. Sometimes I want to do a particular meal soup to nuts, and I wish they'd just bring themselves and perhaps a host/ess plant or truffle, or something. Thu Apr 03 14:59:50 -0700 2008 3539390 46897 gridder 1 3560143 I always ask... but the answer is usually 'no thanks', in which case I bring a hostess gift instead. Fri Apr 04 02:15:56 -0700 2008 3539390 67657 Kajikit 1 3562581 Unless a potluck or whatever is mentioned first by the host, I never offer to bring anything. By the time I get around to extending invitations I have my menu all mapped out and don't want any extra dishes. But I always take a hostess gift. Usually wine or chocolates, depending on the host. And I never expect the wine to be served, so when I do take it I make some remark about it being just for him/her/them when they have time to relax and enjoy it. I don't appreciate guests showing up with wine they expect to be served any more than I appreciate guests showing up with a dish. I enjoy planning all aspects of a meal, and when someone pushes their food or drink into my menu.... Well, I'm also an artist, and I don't allow another painter to take my brush and work on my painting! Same for food. LOL! Do I sound cranky or what! Fri Apr 04 14:31:30 -0700 2008 3539390 112096 Caroline1 1 3562680 I'm 22 and on a budget, but love throwing dinner parties - I'll make the main dish and then have my guests bring the rest - wine, salad, dessert. I let them know ahead of time what I'm making so they can bring something appropriate. People are happy to help out, and we end up with lovely meals without anyone having to break the bank. Fri Apr 04 14:58:30 -0700 2008 3539390 131105 Emmmily 2 3562815 I bring an assortment of herbs from my gaarden when in season or a small bottle of very, very good balsamic vinegar. Both gifts are greatly appreciated and do not have the inherent problems connected with flowers and ahcohol as described above. Fri Apr 04 15:35:32 -0700 2008 3562680 162997 lattelover 2 3563542 Emmmily, do you leave it up to your guests to decide what to bring or do you give parameters, such as asking someone to bring a dessert and another guest to bring a salad, etc. I ask because I plan to do something like this for the holidays later this year rather than do all the cooking. Fri Apr 04 21:33:03 -0700 2008 3562680 86402 brandygirl 3 3564456 Never leave it up to your guests to decide completely. You can have four desserts and no side dishes. Always give them parameters, such as appetizers, salads, side dishes (and I will even say a starch side or a veggie side), and desserts (I will sometimes divide into chocolate desserts and non-chocolate desserts). This way you can divide the work, and make sure you have everything covered (sometimes I double up if it's a large party, because I have also had the last-minute cancellation leaving me without "x" dish). I usually have backups of many things that I can throw together if someone doesn't show-- horrid manners, I know, but it has happened more than once. Sat Apr 05 10:27:40 -0700 2008 3563542 161840 cheeseguysgirl