429478 Thu Aug 09 06:49:38 -0700 2007 99 29 Not About Food 0 2828314 Is it rude to be invited for 'post-dinner drinks'- then to show up, announce that you are starving, and order delivery to your hosts home? just wondering ... Thu Aug 09 06:49:38 -0700 2007 45437 nummanumma 1 2828329 i would have to say yes, thats pretty rude/unbelievable behavior Thu Aug 09 06:52:25 -0700 2007 2828314 26725 swsidejim 1 2828428 I guess I could see it being OK if the guests had something that legitimately prevented them from having dinner and asking if the hosts minded if you ordered out. However, with the way you put it, it doesn't seem terribly polite. Thu Aug 09 07:17:11 -0700 2007 2828314 67461 shellyesq 2 2828431 it would depend on whether it was family or really best mates. Thu Aug 09 07:18:23 -0700 2007 2828428 22559 smartie 1 2828449 definitely rude, but not outside of forgivable. I agree that it depends on your relationship to the host. next time, bring small-yet-filling post-dinner snacks like cheese. Thu Aug 09 07:23:46 -0700 2007 2828314 15782 aperitif 1 2828450 I think it's rude, no matter what - family or close friends. Pick something up on the way if you're starving. Your invitation was clear that it was drinks only. Thu Aug 09 07:23:53 -0700 2007 2828314 11053 thenurse 1 2828485 YES!!! Please tell us you did not consider this. Thu Aug 09 07:31:43 -0700 2007 2828314 11290 jfood 2 2828548 i didn't do it. My guests did. Just wanted to see if my anal retentiveness had completely taken over or if it is indeed quite rude. But thanks for the vote of confidence jfood ;) Thu Aug 09 07:49:08 -0700 2007 2828485 45437 nummanumma 3 2829072 jfood could not believe you were the asker. restores jfood's confidence in the people he respcts on this site. :-)) Thu Aug 09 09:34:33 -0700 2007 2828548 11290 jfood 3 2833414 hah I had a date a while back where, after the movie (where said date had popcorn), said date ordered a pizza at my house. which was annoying because I NEVER get delivery (it's a thing with me), and it meant he'd have to wait for the delivery to leave... rude. needless to say, that (coupled with the 2 hour 9/11 Conspiracy Theory lecture he gave me) was our final meeting. Fri Aug 10 11:34:42 -0700 2007 2828548 51422 Jeserf 4 2837436 But how was the pizza? Sun Aug 12 00:22:57 -0700 2007 2833414 10642 bryan 4 2837568 way too nice j. whenthe pizza arrived you should have just told them the person who ordered has left and send it to his house. Sun Aug 12 05:59:17 -0700 2007 2833414 11290 jfood 2 2835172 What happed to your usual friends before food thing? Fri Aug 10 21:23:08 -0700 2007 2828485 23758 Withnail42 1 2828543 Among the replies are that it is rude to order food, rather one should: "bring small-yet-filling post-dinner snacks like cheese" or "Pick something up on the way". How is it rude to show up some where and say "Hey, I'm hungry let's get some food" but not rude to show up carrying food? I'm actually astonished that so many think it rude for a hungry man to say "I'm hungry" and again think it somehow less rude for a host to say "That's just too bad." What would you do if you invited someone to your house for drinks and after arriving, they said "I'm hungry."? Thu Aug 09 07:48:09 -0700 2007 2828314 26666 FrankJBN 2 2828554 I would feed them, of course. The only thing worse than bad manners is pointing out bad manners, right? I was just wondering if people in general agreed that it is weird/rude to show up for 9:00 pm post-dinner drinks and order delivery for yourself. Thu Aug 09 07:51:05 -0700 2007 2828543 45437 nummanumma 3 2887020 Weird for sure, rude would depend on a number of factors. I have a few relatives who would have shown up for a 9:00pm slot sometime closer to 10, brought grandchildren who should have been in bed at 8:00, invited friends who will be showing up later and help themselves to my fridge and complain that they don't recognize any of the food in it (ie nothing they knew how to microwave). Isn't this what drive thru fast food places are for? A quick stopon the way and you have enough bad food to get you through a drink. Heck, I might even stop at a taco truck..... Mon Aug 27 15:21:04 -0700 2007 2828554 10784 Scrapironchef 2 2828655 "What would you do if you invited someone to your house for drinks and after arriving, they said "I'm hungry."?" Well, I'd offer to make them a discrete snack to tide them over (like a quick sandwich), but not a full meal, because that would create all sorts of oddness among the guests being hosted (because typically drinks are being had in an area where one is not going to be able to use implements to eat a full meal, eg - I don't have people over for drinks alone around the dining room table). If the guest refused that, I might suggest a restaurant nearby where they could arrange to have their professed needs met in full. Thoughtful guests who find themselves in this situation might call ahead to their hosts and ask them permission to be a bit late while they catch a bite to eat on the way, and a good host would cover graciously for them if need be ("Gerry and Lynn will be a bit late but please enjoy yourselves in the meantime.") Guest drops past the nearest fast-food place and does it quick and dirty, maybe arriving 20 minutes later than planned. And the other guests are none the wiser. That's what good guests and good hosts can do for each other. But...taking it upon oneself to order food for delivery to the hosts' home is the kind of thing that gets people off invitation lists in the future. Thu Aug 09 08:14:30 -0700 2007 2828543 13819 Karl S 2 2829086 Jfood would and has offered to make them a quick bite to tide them over. Second, jfood always has at least tid-bits to eat and mrs jfood would NEVER allow guests to be invited to anything at casa jfood and not offer something to eat. Thu Aug 09 09:36:41 -0700 2007 2828543 11290 jfood 3 2879718 Hey, I'm with you jfood. How can you have people over for drinks and not have something to pick on? It doesn't have to be a full meal -- just some kind of appetizers. And, if they were hungry, I'd probably be the one who suggests ordering the food (must be my Italian upbringing) if I didn't have anything substantial to offer. I would be mortified to have guests so hungry that they ORDERED THEIR OWN TAKEOUT. The only alternative would have been to leave, and if they stayed and were drinking on an empty stomach, well - you know... Fri Aug 24 19:41:01 -0700 2007 2829086 87837 RGC1982 4 2880092 Because this was *after-dinner* drinks. It may be unfamiliar to some people, but it's a time-honored way of having drinks, which I recall from my childhood (as an observer). The provisio that it's after-dinners is a courtesy to the guests for them to make sure they've eaten before they come if they need to do that. Sat Aug 25 03:25:47 -0700 2007 2879718 13819 Karl S 2 2830306 "How is it rude to show up some where and say "Hey, I'm hungry let's get some food" but not rude to show up carrying food?" Why is it rude to bring something to add to the celebration? I suppose it depends on the host, what sorts they are, whether they're easygoing or must be in charge of every detail. But in my family if you're invited somewhere for drinks or coffee or whatever, if you've got something at your house to share, you bring it along. Thu Aug 09 14:00:11 -0700 2007 2828543 32586 revsharkie 3 2830424 This is a much hashed-out topic on this board. There are circles of people where it is expected you bring something even if not asked. Unless you and your host are both in such a circle, the normal American rule is that guests may not bring anything to be served at an event (thus, we are not talking about hostess gifts, which are intended for the hosts to save for themselves until later) unless they have been asked to do so by the host, because the gesture (outside circles where this does not obtain) implies that the host's hospitality will be insufficient, which is a rude implication. Even if it is not actually intended, it is a reasonable implication for anyone to draw, one has been acknowledged by many etiquette authorities over the years. Cook and hosts who have carefully planned a dinner have zero obligation to serve anything a guest brings to an event that was not requested or pre-approved by the hosts - and so a guest who brings something unbidden must be prepared to have it put aside and not take any offense at that. Potlucks are different from a fully hosted dinner. Thu Aug 09 14:30:15 -0700 2007 2830306 13819 Karl S 4 2833201 I grew up immersed in the culture where you bring something, always. Usually you ask what the host would like you to bring, but everyone brings something. Even if the host says you don't need to bring anything, you still bring something--a bottle of wine, something. It's expected. I had no idea we were all so abnormal. Fri Aug 10 10:46:20 -0700 2007 2830424 32586 revsharkie 5 2833287 Rev two separate questions: 1 - bring something - many threads on the etiquette on bringing something when invited. Most answer yes. 2 - eating something you bring - many different answers depending on the circumstances. Fri Aug 10 11:04:36 -0700 2007 2833201 11290 jfood 5 2833380 I understand. You said abnormal, I didn't. The issue is of bringing something be served at the event; in essence, distinguishing between a potluck (which is a collaborative enterprise where everyone brings something to an event) and a truly hosted event (that is, where the host supplies *all* of the food and beverages as hospitality and the guests need only bring a modicum of sociability and gratitude). (In restaurant dining, the differnece would be between going dutch and have a host who does the inviting and the paying - there are long-standing social cues to distinguish how invitations signal one or the other.) There are many many people who 1. as hosts would find it deeply rude, even if sincere, or 2. as guest, will take "you don't need to bring anything" at face value and show up with nothing for the event (though they might bring a hostess gift for later enjoyment by the hosts). Which is a good reason one should never say "you don't need to bring anything" or "don't bring anything") unless one is ready to be taken at one's word (there's no good reason to say it, it turns out, right?). Hostess gifts are nice, but not required. What is required is (1) reciprocal hospitality at the level of means of the guest reciprocating (that might mean dinner out to a modest restaurant), and (2) an expression of gratitude after the event (classically, a thank you note - whether by post, phone or internet). Fri Aug 10 11:27:09 -0700 2007 2833201 13819 Karl S 5 2833946 revsharkie, do you bring something as a gift for the host to enjoy at a later time or do you expect your offering to be served? Either one is different from the OP's scenerio. The guest was not bringing something to "add to the celebration". He announced he was hungry and ordered a pizza for his own consumption, I am assuming since nothing was said about the pizza being shared. Even if it was, that certainly would not be appropriate, IMHO, for the occassion. And, obviously he was not ordering the pizza as a gift for the host. He was invited for AFTER dinner drinks. He should have eaten his dinner before he arrived. I liken the incident to him showing up saying "I've been working in the yard and am dirty. I'll just run back to you bathroom and take a shower." He was presumptuous and ill-prepared to be a guest. Fri Aug 10 13:44:00 -0700 2007 2833201 13816 Sister Sue 6 2834150 I'll bring something for the meal if they said I should bring something for the meal. If not, I'll bring a bottle of wine or something with the understanding that they can serve it or enjoy it later. I don't care one way or the other what they do with what I bring. I was just sorta taught not to go empty-handed. If I were invited just for drinks, it'd be pretty much the same. "Can I bring anything?" The circles I run in, they might say yeah, bring "x" snack food, a bag of chips, something like that. If not, then I might again bring a bottle of wine (understanding they can serve it now or keep it for another time, their call), or some other sort of gift. But I do agree that the original post's guest was frightfully rude. It might be different if, after a certain amount of time drinking and visiting, the group agreed that more food was in order. As a general rule, I and my friends and relations don't throw or attend these kinds of dinner or cocktail parties. We're just not that formal, and for the most part none of us needs anything to be really tightly planned and coordinated. But that's just us. Fri Aug 10 14:33:33 -0700 2007 2833946 32586 revsharkie 6 2837594 I agree with Sister Sue. If they were invited for AFTER dinner drinks, they should have come ready for AFTER dinner drinks, thus AFTER their dinner. Of course in the end it depends on the relationship between guests and host. In this case, as the host is here asking about it, I think it would suggest that the relationship doesn't warrant this behavior. I don't see the relevence to this conversation of the question of host/hostess gift or contribution to part of an event. That doesn't seem to be the issue about which the host asked. Sun Aug 12 06:16:41 -0700 2007 2833946 82499 Dessertsny 1 2828609 Yes, indeed. Hungry or peckish is different from starving. If the guests were merely hungry because they neglected to have a regular meal before arriving (but had eaten earlier in the day), that's not a fit subject for the guest to raise with the hosts because that situation was within the guests' control. The demands of genuine starvation, of course, supercede normal hospitality, but I doubt the guests in question meant that. Ordering delivery to the hosts' home - unless the hosts invited the guests to do so - boggles the mind in terms of rudeness. Thu Aug 09 08:04:18 -0700 2007 2828314 13819 Karl S 1 2828645 That depends - did they at least offer you a slice? Aside from some rather specific circumstances I'd think it strange to do so, but not rude. Unless they don't share. Not cool. Thu Aug 09 08:12:19 -0700 2007 2828314 69452 jzerocsk 1 2828675 I thnk it is odd to invite people over for post dinner drinks, maybe even rude. REminds me of the time we were invited for pre-dinner drinks when the hosts were having others to dinner. Of course, two rudes do not make a right. Thu Aug 09 08:18:48 -0700 2007 2828314 13202 emilief 2 2828686 yeah? well you try living in 500 square feet- we do what we can. Thu Aug 09 08:21:05 -0700 2007 2828675 45437 nummanumma 3 2829882 Not rude. Thu Aug 09 12:24:43 -0700 2007 2828686 116638 southernitalian 4 2829902 I don't see anything wrong with having people over for drinks, but agree that some sort of snacks are probably in order. I've had 4 people over for dinner when I lived in a 475 square foot apartment. While the seating arrangements were glamorous at all, to say the least, they all managed. Thu Aug 09 12:28:54 -0700 2007 2829882 107671 queencru 5 2829918 Please note that OP has already indicated that she had snack food available. Thu Aug 09 12:32:41 -0700 2007 2829902 49541 debbiel 3 2835083 You weren't rude, Num! (you offered snacks, it was 9pm, why didn't this person just eat dinner?) If someone invited me by for drinks I'd think that was pefectly OK. Ordering takeout is weird, because you're kind of inconveniencing your host. What if the driver doesn't show up for over an hour (not unheard of) your host now has to wash plates etc, deal with the big ol' pizza box, or leftover whatever. Also, does the guest order enough for everyone, or do people just watch him/her dive into the big box of wings? Although I don't think you should stress too much...it's a good funny story to tell. A friend of my mom's once had a dinner party and someone took a shower...she got lots of stories out of that! Fri Aug 10 20:28:25 -0700 2007 2828686 11738 writergirl 4 2835167 I hosted a wedding at my home and the bride's mother raided my closet for a coat because she was chilly. This was after she locked me out of my bathroom so that she could get dressed. Members of the wedding party arrived several hours early and demanded food. I am pleased to report that the marriage did not last. Fri Aug 10 21:19:25 -0700 2007 2835083 15743 Sherri 5 2836624 One of my cousins got married once and after the wedding everybody(including my aunt's family, to whom we're not actually related) appeared at our house wanting supper. My mom sucked it up and fixed it; I helped, but we were both steamed. Then, to top it off, after supper my aunt's sisters all sat in the front room drinking, while my aunt went and laid down with a headache (which she used to do after every family meal, even at her own house) and my mom and I cleaned up behind the whole lot of them. That's been probably 20 years ago, and I still get mildly riled thinking about it. Sat Aug 11 15:50:47 -0700 2007 2835167 32586 revsharkie 6 2836652 "Mildly?" Sat Aug 11 16:06:46 -0700 2007 2836624 11995 pikawicca 7 2836700 Comparatively speaking. Sat Aug 11 16:37:04 -0700 2007 2836652 32586 revsharkie 4 2835329 took a shower!?? hilarious! Fri Aug 10 23:17:28 -0700 2007 2835083 56406 Bite Me 4 2839557 Shower - I've done this before! We were invited over for a BBQ, and I can't remember the exact circumstances, but afterwards, I had to ask that my daughter (she was probably 2) take a bath in her tub. It might have been after swimming in their condo pool, but I can't remember. I've had others shower in my house... guess it depends on the relationship between guests and hosts... these were either relatives or close friends (and swimming wasn't the reason in these cases). :-) Mon Aug 13 03:23:55 -0700 2007 2835083 93291 boltnut55 2 2828699 Well, I think the experience you had does sound rude. But in general, why is it rude to have folks over for cocktails without a meal? The post doesn't suggest that folks were invited over at the tale end of a dinner party, just that the OP had folks over for drinks. I sure wouldn't be offended by such an invitation. As to the OP, yes, RUDE! The guests should have either declined the invitation or done as Karl S described above. Thu Aug 09 08:23:43 -0700 2007 2828675 49541 debbiel 3 2828728 ok- now we're getting into murkier waters. Perhaps it is I who have been rude. I'll explain. friend of mine graduates from uni. he and his girl are invited over to mine for dinner. We live in 500 square feet and literally have four of everything- four is the most we can do for dinner. Friend wants to have some pals around to celebrate- so we say, ok, let's invite everyone over for late-night drinks- after 9:00- so that's what we did. Is that rude? Am i not meant to invite people for drinks after dinner? hmmm. There were snacks for the late joiners...i never got the chance to put them out. Thu Aug 09 08:28:58 -0700 2007 2828699 45437 nummanumma 4 2828749 I don't actually think that was rude either nummanumma, as long as dinner was DONE (you've eaten, table cleared, etc) before the cocktail guests arrived. Thu Aug 09 08:32:56 -0700 2007 2828728 49541 debbiel 5 2828756 yes it was, dishes cleared, etc... plenty of booze and some snacks on hand. Thu Aug 09 08:34:30 -0700 2007 2828749 45437 nummanumma 6 2829106 you are being too hard on yourself. sounds to jfood that you did a 10 on the jfood scale. you celebrated your friend's graduation and then doubled-down on your graciousness by hearing that they wanted to celebrate with others and did a second "serving" for them. No thrashes please, but major kudos. Thu Aug 09 09:41:25 -0700 2007 2828756 11290 jfood 4 2829892 Well that explains it. They were college kids. Expect rudeness. Thu Aug 09 12:26:57 -0700 2007 2828728 116638 southernitalian 5 2830095 um, it's a fourth degree and also his master's. note that the guests are not in college- Thu Aug 09 13:12:29 -0700 2007 2829892 45437 nummanumma 4 2839588 the graduate was "starving?" if you're celebrating his graduation, he's been in ceremonies all day, and he's paying and sharing, what's wrong with ordering in? it doesn't sound rude at all, only because it sounds like you are very close with him. Also: 1)how formal could your get-together have been in 500 sq feet. 2) if you have a 500 sq ft apt you must live in an urban area where take-out/restaurants are more common than cooking. so you were under no obligation to cook, he had a stressful day and felt you were friends enough (given that you've invited him for a graduation celebration) that you wouldn't mind. Mon Aug 13 04:17:16 -0700 2007 2828728 11190 fara 5 2839596 The graduate wasn't starving b/c the graduate was invited to dinner - it was the folks who showed up for after dinner drinks who were hungry. FWIW - I agree with those who said that this was rude. I think my jaw would drop if someone did this at my house. I've never heard of such a thing. Mon Aug 13 04:24:48 -0700 2007 2839588 10985 MMRuth 6 2839599 oops - misread this. if you don't know them well - then yes, rude. :) Mon Aug 13 04:28:40 -0700 2007 2839596 11190 fara 7 2839605 Just saw the other comment you added about how formal could it be in a 500 sq. foot apartment - I've seen some stunning 500 sq foot apartments where formal, albeit small, dinner parties are given. And, to me, regardless of the size or decor of an apartment, I can easily imagine a formal dinner for 4 in a tiny place. Mon Aug 13 04:33:33 -0700 2007 2839599 10985 MMRuth 7 2840461 It doesnt matter how formal or informal or how well you know them at all. they shouldnt have ordered food or have expected a full meal. the decline of civilization as we know it is happening and we need to start to put our foot down. Mon Aug 13 09:38:15 -0700 2007 2839599 58211 Ljubitca 5 2839660 Not necessarily true. There are some areas around the world where 500 square feet is huge and people do not eat takeout daily. We're just used to huge living spaces in the U.S. I hosted an informal dinner party at my 475 square foot apartment for 6 once and had a friend who hosted a 10-12-person potluck for Thanksgiving in her smaller apartment. I still think that the guest was rude, but 500 square feet isn't as limited as a lot of people make it out to be. Mon Aug 13 05:22:44 -0700 2007 2839588 107671 queencru 5 2839813 Fara, I just moved from a VERY formal 450 sq. foot apartment in Manhattan right off 5th Avenue, in a very exclusive neighborhood. My formal x-mas (holiday) parties were legendary! FWIW, I think the person showed poor behavior and social skills, but I've definitely heard of worse. Maybe he really didn't have a chance to eat for whatever reason. I still would have put out the snacks I had too anyway though. Last fall I had a party and invited some new neighbors...One left with four beers stuffed in his pockets, now that's boarish behavior!! Mon Aug 13 06:33:51 -0700 2007 2839588 115445 SweetPea914 5 2839872 Attempt #2 by jfood. 1 - graduates were well fed as they were invited to dinner, were served dinner 2 - whether it's 500, 5000, 50,000 ft2, it should not matter. urban, rural, should not matter either. in fact if it WAS urban then the drink-guests should have ample opportunity to grab something on the way. Mon Aug 13 06:52:18 -0700 2007 2839588 11290 jfood 3 2828760 I "wouldn't be offended by such an invitation" either, but we were taught to always serve a bit of something with drinks. Nuts, cheeese&crackers, etc. Drinks and good converstaion is fun and we did a good bit of it in the early days of our marriage, but we always had a bit of something for our guests to nosh. OTOH to arrive and say that you're hungry then order out for yourself is definitely rude in my book. Thu Aug 09 08:35:06 -0700 2007 2828699 75332 Gio 4 2828792 I agree that it's always a good idea to serve at least a little something to nibble on is a good idea with drinks. Note nummanumma's response above...snacks on hand at her drink get together as well. Thu Aug 09 08:40:33 -0700 2007 2828760 49541 debbiel 5 2828837 Ah yes - I didn't see her reply as I was probably posting my reply. Thanks! Thu Aug 09 08:50:38 -0700 2007 2828792 75332 Gio 6 2828850 Where's the rib man when we need him? Thu Aug 09 08:53:04 -0700 2007 2828837 57170 Veggo 7 2828868 omg- i was thinking the same thing. Although now i think i know what happened to SJH- probably got terrified that her/his friends read this board and as more and more people replied, became increasingly sure that they would see it- thereby enacting the rudest rudeness of all- criticizing guests on a public forum! argh!! Thu Aug 09 08:56:21 -0700 2007 2828850 45437 nummanumma 7 2829316 Get it right, people...the rib man would have volunteered his wife to bring drinks! Thu Aug 09 10:28:12 -0700 2007 2828850 13700 ricepad 8 2837638 LOL! I was reading this thread wondering if the rib story was going to be resurrected. :-) nummanumma (love your handle, BTW), you went above and beyond the call of hostess duty, IMO, and I think the later party guests were rude to order takeout when they were invited for after-dinner drinks only. As stated earlier, they could have stopped along the way for a quick Mickey D's or just something to tide them over. Sun Aug 12 06:45:02 -0700 2007 2829316 10532 LindaWhit 6 2830442 No problem Gio. I just wanted to make sure OP got full credit for her good hosting! Thu Aug 09 14:34:46 -0700 2007 2828837 49541 debbiel 2 2829740 An invitation for drinks in someone's home is not rude. The point of an invitation to post-dinner drinks is that it advises people that a meal is not being served. Technically, an invitation to drinks should be sufficient advice of that, but in this day and age where people often don't have good social reading skills (as it were), if there's any possibility of guests imagining a meal might be served, it's good form for the host to disabuse them of that thought, so that the guests choose whether and how to eat beforehand. The OP did nothing wrong. The guests in question, however, did. Thu Aug 09 11:57:06 -0700 2007 2828675 13819 Karl S 3 2832827 Not to mention that "after dinner drinks" or "drinks" that start at 9 pm implies the host will have already had dinner, so no one should be suprised if they peek into the kitchen and see dirty dishes. If the guest of honor is from out of town or or they are celebrating something special (as in this case), it is completely logical that the hosts and guests of honor will have dined together before others arrive. nummanumma was just fine. Fri Aug 10 09:30:09 -0700 2007 2829740 97411 NewSushiFiend 1 2829890 Was the party invitation very late, so that the guest did not have time to make appropriate dinner arrangements before coming over? Thu Aug 09 12:26:04 -0700 2007 2828314 48563 mainsqueeze 2 2829925 I'm not sure that, even if that were the case, that it would excuse the behavior. Some times you simply have to decline an invitation. Or, as suggested by someone earlier today, ask if you might come by a little later (thereby giving yourself time for a very quick bite to eat). Thu Aug 09 12:34:18 -0700 2007 2829890 49541 debbiel 1 2829969 Sounds like they may have indulged in some, shall we say, appetite stimulants before they arrived. Doesn't make it any less rude; if anything, even more so, for not sharing. Thu Aug 09 12:46:59 -0700 2007 2828314 98500 Bat Guano 1 2830367 The OP went beyond the call of duty. I read the posting with a dropped jaw. I can not believe the sense of entitlement that guests often have.... And, yes, I too thought about SJH and the rib incident. Thu Aug 09 14:17:34 -0700 2007 2828314 91415 hungry_pangolin 1 2830387 Well, context is everything. Some of my friends I would not mind if they do this, others not so much. And how was it done? Did they just flop down on the nearest chair, take out their cell, and order pizza for one? Or did they asked you first if you have anything to eat, and if not would you mind if they order something? Thu Aug 09 14:22:04 -0700 2007 2828314 12082 PeterL 1 2830436 If you are invited for "post dinner drinks," you are supposed to EAT DINNER first! These people were being extremely rude (perhaps because you "only" invited them for after dinner, and not the meal itself?). I'd cross 'em off the invite list. Thu Aug 09 14:33:56 -0700 2007 2828314 11995 pikawicca 1 2830451 It is...but sometimes people get caught up at work or for some good reason don't have time to eat but also don't want to be late to an invitation. What I would have done, though, is phoned the host on my way and explained that I was caught up and hadn't eaten...and then I would have found out whether the host would a) have food for me, b) not cared if I was late b/c I was stopping off for a bite, or c) said "order delivery"...it is kind of weird to just show up and demand delivery... Thu Aug 09 14:36:35 -0700 2007 2828314 48540 merrymc 2 2830514 I had a friend who would always come to one of my parties where I had cooked enough food for 80 people and invited 30 folks- (wherein people wouldnt miss these events because of the food) - and this one friend would insist on bringing her baked ziti so that she and her husband would have something to eat. She even once brought a frozen TV dinner for him becuase he wouldnt eat anything that wasnt beige or not fried. Folks there are just times when your food is not welcome. Also to bring your food that will then take up space in an oven where other things need to be heated for the masses is just another form of social retardation. Thu Aug 09 14:49:35 -0700 2007 2830451 58211 Ljubitca 1 2831882 Based on the limited information given, and the statement below from OP that he/she never put the snacks out, I say that your guest was clearly hungry, but not necessarily rude. It may not have been what the host expected or liked, but I think that a party that is called for drinks only is a tough one on guests. The nature of this party sounds pretty casual and relaxed. I say, let it go. Fri Aug 10 03:23:41 -0700 2007 2828314 56406 Bite Me 2 2832164 The OP asked people over for drinks, not a party. There's a difference. Maybe it's less usual nowadays, but inviting people over for drinks without a meal was once quite common. It was polite of the host here to alert guests that no meal was being provided by noting it was post-dinner, which is the clue for guests to ensure that if they want to have drinks on a full stomach, they should eat ahead of the gathering. Snacks are a nice touch but not necessary for simply having people over for drinks. Fri Aug 10 06:57:07 -0700 2007 2831882 13819 Karl S 2 2832858 oh i'll definitely let it go- the whole thing was about my friend having a good time on his last day of school, not about me- I just wanted to bounce it off you guys because I wondered if the fact that it niggled at me (and enraged my husband, who may have felt guilty, as he is a chef) was reasonable. Fri Aug 10 09:36:46 -0700 2007 2831882 45437 nummanumma 2 2843784 Actually, the OP said that she hadn't had a chance to put the snacks out before the new arrivals announced their hunger. I, for one, can see how this would happen-you don't want the new arrivals to think that they are getting left overs from dinner, so you want to bring out "fresh" food AFTER they arrive. That would be my thinking anyway. Tue Aug 14 08:12:38 -0700 2007 2831882 49815 troutpoint 1 2833416 While it isn't ideal, I've been in such a situation many times. For some reason, I'm always hungry whenever I'm out somewhere. So, I would say that ordering delivery in is less rude than asking for food at that person's home, so long as the delivery isn't such a huge fuss. Hillary http://chewonthatblog.com Fri Aug 10 11:35:26 -0700 2007 2828314 112406 Chew on That 2 2833447 Actually, ordering delivery is ruder: it doubles the insult to the host: (1) not only are you changing the hospitality being offered by the host, but (2) you are saying (by actions) that the host is incapable of meeting your preferred hospitality. Ugly no matter which way you slice it. Fri Aug 10 11:42:26 -0700 2007 2833416 13819 Karl S 2 2834162 I think the person who showed up and ordered delivery should either have (a) eaten before they arrived, or if that wasn't possible, (b) enjoyed their drinks and snacks and then either got something to eat somewhere afterward or waited til they got home. I do think it was a slap in the host's face. Fri Aug 10 14:36:12 -0700 2007 2833416 32586 revsharkie 1 2835184 pretty foul behavior. i would have kicked them out, kept the food and charged it to their goat-smelling credit card. hefty tip just to seal the deal. but hey, that's just me. Fri Aug 10 21:27:19 -0700 2007 2828314 10627 steve h. 1 2835219 Very rude. Reminds me of the scene from 'Fast Times at Richmont High' when Spicolli had the pizza delivered to class. However I have to confess to once in passing thinking of doing it. A family member (so I have to go) annually throws the worst party of the year. And each year she somehow manages to make it worse and worse. This year the party started at 1pm so I arrived ready for lunch. After about three hours I found out she was going to be serving the food at 7:30pm!. It was then that I did in fact think of ordering in. I know that I wasn't the only one either. Instead I sneeked out and got a sandwich. http://meandmyfork.blogspot.com Fri Aug 10 21:48:51 -0700 2007 2828314 23758 Withnail42 2 2836627 yabut spicoli got his when mr. hand shared the pizza with the whole class and spicoli didn't even get one bite! What did your relative think folks were going to do there for six and a half hours without eating? Sat Aug 11 15:52:51 -0700 2007 2835219 32586 revsharkie 3 2837160 To tell you the truth I have no idea what goes on in her head. Like I said each year she somehow manages to make her already legendary bad parties even more awful. I guess it was her idea of a pool party. People were simply supposed to hang out. But it was family who see each other regularly anyway. Drinks were available, but everyone was driving. While I didn't order in I did reserve the right of first refusal about going next year...and I intend to use it! They irony is that this same relative always has an excuse for not going when other people (the same ones who sufferd through hers) have a party. http://meandmyfork.blogspot.com Sat Aug 11 20:44:39 -0700 2007 2836627 23758 Withnail42 2 2836658 My DH and I went to a party like this last night. Left early, claiming a prior commitment, and went somewhere decent for a meal. Sat Aug 11 16:09:31 -0700 2007 2835219 11995 pikawicca 1 2839563 I definitely don't think you did anything wrong in case that's what you were asking. On whether they were rude, I guess it depends on how the person is like normally. What was their intent? I can see myself doing this. I'm always rushing from one thing to another, so there's always the chance that I wasn't able to get anything to eat... let's say I worked late and had to go to a night class right away. After night class, I was starving and hadn't eaten since lunch at noon. I didn't want to miss out on hanging out with you because by the time I eat and get to your place, I'd be an hour late... and I didn't want to miss out on drinks. My dilemma would be (1) I order and wait for the food, which means I would still be late, and I'd still be eating in front of your friends, or (2) I get it delivered so that I'm hanging out at your place enjoying drinks and my meal would soon be arriving. The second choice seems to be a better choice. Otherwise, what else am I supposed to do if I want to eat and get to your place on time, without leaving my class early? It's already too late for "you should have left work earlier or ate something before going to class!" Of course I'm making this all up, but I always find myself in strange circumstances like that, and I know my DH rolls his eyes at me, but I try to choose the lesser of two evils. Also, I'm much more lenient about hungry people and the "strange" things they do because I get that low glucose problem (or something that's low) where I start shaking and breaking out in cold sweat until I eat something right away... you don't want to have someone look like a drug addict next to you, right? Better that they get fed instead! Mon Aug 13 03:35:11 -0700 2007 2828314 93291 boltnut55 2 2839780 You have another, much more polite option: call and inform the hosts you will be running late while you catch a quick bite to eat (and it should be the quickest option available). Which happens to be OK in the case of drinks (unlike going to a meal where you'd be holding the serving back the serving of hot food to the other guests). But what the guest did here was rude without question. Mon Aug 13 06:20:03 -0700 2007 2839563 13819 Karl S 2 2840473 Yes there are also these food places with counters the serve round flat bread with sauce and cheese on them which can be eaten while walking. Mon Aug 13 09:41:34 -0700 2007 2839563 58211 Ljubitca 3 2841952 even if they guy had said, oh my goodness, I'm sorry- I wanted to be here to celebrate with x, but i'm just from the office and absolutely famished- (or insert any excuse here)- we would have fed him! DH would have whipped something up- with snacks in the meantime. No explanation whatsoever was offered, just "I'm Starving. I'm ordering out!" within 2 minutes of his bum hitting his chair. I'm still giggling over this and I love all these responses. Glad to hear it isnt' rude to host after dinner drinks- I was starting to wonder if my manners compass was broken! Mon Aug 13 15:26:57 -0700 2007 2840473 45437 nummanumma 4 2842426 Your manners compass is not broken, dear heart. Obviously that fellow has a lot to learn. Mon Aug 13 17:57:19 -0700 2007 2841952 75332 Gio 4 2876444 Perhaps it was also the manner he did it in which made him seem rude to everyone? I dunno. I guess I would really have felt worse (and thought I was being even more rude) if I said the above, and your DH cooked for me! Thu Aug 23 23:15:21 -0700 2007 2841952 93291 boltnut55 1 2843150 Yikes, I must be rude. I've done the same thing, but I think circumstance/context and the relationship with the host determines if a person can do this without offending the host. We went wine tasting ended up at a friends house about an hour or so before dinner, I was hungry so rather than ask my hosts if they had anything to eat I suggested we order a pizza and try one of the bottles we purchased. DH and the other guest loved the idea, turns out they were hungry too. We were invited to go swimming anyway in their pool, so it wasn't like waiting for the pizzas would inconvenience them. DH and I insisted on treating as it was our idea. Now I feel bad because I am not sure how the hosts felt. Tue Aug 14 00:38:04 -0700 2007 2828314 13030 free sample addict aka Tracy L 2 2843477 tracy, I think the big difference here can be summed up in a few points: 1) you were all eating together 2) you 'threw the idea to the group' 3) you were not specifically invited over at 9:00 for post-dinner drinks what you described doesn't seem rude to me at all. Tue Aug 14 06:51:50 -0700 2007 2843150 45437 nummanumma 1 2844113 yes Tue Aug 14 09:33:05 -0700 2007 2828314 28122 zin1953 1 2844187 w/out being influenced by the interesting perspectives already laid out...if my friends ordered, paid and shared probably would not have a problem with it. post dinner drinks with a snack of some sort 'could' mean they don't drive home on alcohol alone...I'd be glad if they had something in their stomaches...if I didn't have something suitable, ordering sounds reasonable. Tue Aug 14 09:54:16 -0700 2007 2828314 36312 HillJ 1 2881281 I don't think it was rude. I think the guy was starving, didn't see something he could eat, but was enjoying evveryone's company and didn't want to leave. I've never hosted or been invited to "post-dinner drinks" so I don't know what time this was called for, or what the protocal is, but if I were the guest, and I had not had dinner at the time I arrived, I would still expect substantial snacks or I would leave or if I thought that someone wanted the pleasure of my company, I would order in. Or, I might arrive and see that others have had dinner and feel that I was on the B list and didn't make the cut for dinner. In that case, I'd leave. Sat Aug 25 15:15:08 -0700 2007 2828314 56406 Bite Me 2 2882043 It was billed as "AFTER DINNER DRINKS". The expectation is that you arrive, having already eaten. It was rude to order the take-away. Period. No easy excuse. Sat Aug 25 22:57:08 -0700 2007 2881281 91415 hungry_pangolin 1 2881748 It would be rude if someone ordered delivery and expected the host to pay for it. It would also be rude if the food dragged out the evening longer than the host expected. In other words if the invite was for one drink, meaning about 30 minutes, but by the time the food got there it was two hours later. Remember the old SNL skit about the guest who wouldn't go home? Sat Aug 25 19:36:44 -0700 2007 2828314 105803 Robearjr