Best (Funniest? Wittiest?) Food Quotes

[Pigeage]

"Veal is a very young beef and, like a very young girlfriend, it's cute but boring and expensive." - P.J. O'Rourke

[MarkhamDee]

Voltaire said, «Rien ne serait plus fatiguant que mangeant et buvant si Dieu ne leur avait pas fait un plaisir aussi bien qu'une nécessité. »

...which translated into English is something like, "Nothing would be more tiresome than eating and drinking, if God hadn't made them a pleasure as well as a necessity."

[ambrose]

I like this one by Fran Lebowitz. I hope it's true!

"Do you know on this one block you can buy croissants in five different places? There's one store called Bonjour Croissant. It makes me want to go to Paris and open a store called Hello Toast".

[gps_shag]

Here in Toronto there are two sister restaurants: one called "Bonjour Brioche" and the other is "Hello Toast." Both are pretty good, too!

[jujuthomas]

"beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy" - Ben Franklin

[Davwud]

Love that one.

DT

[KaimukiMan]

after the 1906 San Francisco earthquake one of the largest distilleries was standing proudly among the ruins. The ditty went something like this:

if tis true god spanked the town
for being over frisky,

why'd he burn the churches down
and save holtag's whiskey?

[Atahualpa]

Likely a false attestation though. http://tiny.cc/wPMQ6

[xena]

"Health food makes me sick". - Calvin Trillin

"I went to a restaurant that serves 'Breakfast at any time'.
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
-Steven Wright

[ESNY]

"It says here breakfast any time.... I'll have eggs in the age on enlightment" - Mikey from Swingers

[ajs228]

And the waitress says later, "Calm down, Voltaire." I never got that before now.

[Steve]

I'm not sure what 'Mikey from Swingers' is, but Xena is right, that is old Stephen Wright material.

My second favorite New Yorker cartoon:

Lettering seen on the frosted plate-glass door in a university hallway.
Foreign Language Department
Russian
French
Italian
Creamy Italian

[Lazy Susan]

Sex is good, but not as good as fresh, sweet corn. ~Garrison Keillor
Cheese - milk's leap toward immortality. ~Clifton Fadiman
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? ~Author Unknown
A nickel will get you on the subway, but garlic will get you a seat. ~Old New York Proverb
I'll bet what motivated the British to colonize so much of the world is that they were just looking for a decent meal. ~Martha Harrison

A couple from movies:
"I'll have what she's having", from When Harry met Sally. And my favorite: "Soilent Green is people!"

[eve]

Yep my favorite. Soylent is the spelling.

[nkeane]

Funny....I am betting Mr. Keillor had some fairly disappointed mates in his life!!!LOL

[JK Grence the Cosmic Jester]

You haven't had really, really fresh sweet corn, have you?

[kubasd]

Soylent Green is made of people!!! It's people!!!

[georgeb]

What is patriotism but the love of the food one ate as a child? ~Lin Yutang

This is the best Barbecue I ever ate in a building that wasn't condemned. - Diner review of Red Hot and Blue, Arlington, VA

[CDouglas]

"I ended up doing a show called Squid Pro Quo that really got out of hand. It was not one of my proud and shining moments."

"Slicing a warm slab of bacon is a lot like giving a ferret a shave. No matter how careful you are, somebody's going to get hurt."

"Now my wife may think she's locked me out of the kitchen but MacGyver's not my patron saint for nothing."

All by Alton Brown.

[Candy]

The gentle art of gastronomy is a friendly one. It hurdles the language barrier, makes friends among civilized people, and warms the heart. Samuel Chamberlain

I found this to be true last summer when assisting with the cooking for a day after the wedding brunch. Some of the brides family were Italian who spoke nno English. Her step-motjer and I sat at the same table discussing food and recipes with the brother of the bride translating back and forth.

[Flynn1]

"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond." Mae West

[MsMaryMc]

"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks." Marilyn Wann

[DingoWallaby]

"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four unless there are three other people."
-- Orson Welles.

[Spoonula]

"Never eat more than you can lift" Miss Piggy

"Sex is good, but not as good as fresh, sweet corn" Garrison Keillor

[Nom De Plume]

"I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough... " (Brian Kiley)

"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead." (Woody Allen)

"You can never have enough garlic. With enough garlic, you can eat The New York Times." (Morley Safer)

[jacquelyncoffey]

"The definition of eternity is two people and a ham."

[Candy]

That is from Dorothy Parker and she was so right.

[jacquelyncoffey]

Thanks for the source, when my parents were newlyweds, they bought a ham for easter and spent WEEKS trying to eat it all, that's when my father adopted the quote :-)

[SomeRandomIdiot]

I don't get it. What's so hard about eating a ham?

[mclaugh]

Whole hams (as opposed to just the butt or shank that one typically finds for sale in supermarkets and grocery stores) weigh in anywhere between 13 and 20 lbs. Assuming two people each eating half a lb/day every day 'til it's gone, that's 12-19 straight days of leftover ham. Not exactly eternity, but after a week, it sure as he** is gonna FEEL like it.

[amkirkland]

I thought it was about the fighting and arguing over the ham, and i was imagining something like a proscuitto or jamon. we're all stumped i guess.

[mclaugh]

Nope. It'd definitaly a negative comment on ham.

Dorothy Parker was renowned for her acerbic commentary and casutic wit. (When informed that President Calvin Cooledge had died, she is reported to have replied, "How can they tell?") Among her many bon mots:

• You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think (when challenged to use the word "horticulture" in a sentence);

• Ducking for apples -- change one letter and it's the story of my life;

• If all the young ladies who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, no one would be the least surprised;

• Do me a favor. When you get home, throw your mother a bone'

• Too f***ing busy, and vice versa [Reply to her editor who was bugging her for her belated work while she was on her honeymoon]

[MMRuth]

And isn't there also "Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker."

[Katie Nell]

I know that's in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (the original one).

[MMRuth]

actually - I thought it was a Dorothy Parker quote - will check it out!

Edit - but I would be wrong - apparently it's Ogden Nash.

[Katie Nell]

Well, Wonka might have stolen it from Dottie, but that's where I know that quote from! Yep, that's right... I can quote Willy Wonka, but not Dorothy Parker! ;-)

[Gary Soup]

It was Ogden Nash but it'r not on a par with his "Toward a better world I contribute my modest smidgin; I eat the squab, lest it become a pigeon."

It was Richard Armour, however, who came up with this zinger:

"Shake and shake the ketchup bottle. None'll come, and then a lot'll."

[Candy]

And to finish the quote...but liquor is quicker, but sex won't rot your teeth. I believe that was from Ogden Nash.

[free sample addict aka Tracy L]

I was going to w/hold this one but I can't: Poker in the front and liquor in the back.

[Davwud]

Kept me from doing it;-)

DT

[SomeRandomIdiot]

Ahhh. That's the part I didn't get. I figured itd be 3-5 lbs.

[bonmann]

Laughter is brightest in the place where food is. – Irish Proverb

A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg. - Samuel Butler

As for butter versus margarine, I trust cows more than chemists. – Joan Gussow

Look at those cows and remember that the greatest scientists have never discovered how to turn grass into milk. – Michael Pupin

We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police. – Jeff Mander

The only thing it would be nice to have more of would be M&M’s. – Shannon Lucid (after returning from a space shuttle mission)

We are living in a world where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat. – Jim Davis

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, sugar, caffeine and fat. – Alex Levine

Everything you see I owe to spaghetti.—Sophia Loren

A billion hours ago, human life appeared on earth. A billion minutes ago, Christianity emerged. A billion Coca-Colas ago was yesterday morning.

[DallasDude]

I like children - fried WC Fields
Vegetarian: an old Indian word for bad hunter

It’s so beautifully arranged on the plate - you know someone’s fingers have been all over it. -- Julia Child

Lisa: 'Don't you have anything vegetarian?'
Lunchlady doris: 'Just these hotdog buns...they're full of bunly goodness.'

[thinkgarnish.com]

Make that diet cokes and that's me! These are brilliant!

[LindaWhit]

"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." - Calvin Trillin

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are." - Matt Lauer (on NBC's Today Show).

[Lindy74]

One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well. -- Virginia Woolf

[SuzyInChains]

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana." - Groucho Marx

[E.Kolliopoulos]

"Generally speaking, I think it is fair to say, that I am a friend to the creatures of the earth, when I am not busy eating them or wearing them." --John Hodgman

[mangiatore]

"I love animals. They're delicious!"
"I eat vegetarians for breakfast."
-- both from bumper stickers I saw years ago

"A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to thank her."
-- W.C. Fields

[bonmann]

You just reminded me:

I love cats but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

[ricepad]

Not if you don't have a sense of humor, I suppose.

(Edit: crap...replied to the wrong person.)

[atheorist]

Another from Fields:
Q: Do you like children?
A: Only if they are properly cooked.

[swsidejim]

I saw a great bumper sticker this morning:

Vegetarian: an old Indian word for bad hunter

[phantomdoc]

Do you like children?

W.C. Fields..Yes, If they're properly cooked.

[HoneybeeSF]

This is fun!
"The trouble with Italian food is that 2 or 3 days later, you're hungry again!" - Anon

Not about food, but one of my favs...
"I like to have one martini, two at the very most... after three I'm under the table, after four I'm under the host!" - Dorothy Parker

[psb]

It's not exactly a quote, but I always liked this:

On Liquor Production
by David M. Smith

A friend who's in liquor production
Owns a still of astounding construction.
The alcohol boils
Through old magnet coils;
She says that it's "proof by induction."

[Uncle Ira]

"I say it's spinach, and I say the hell with it! ! !"
--- E. B. White, caption for an old cartoon in The New Yorker

[blue room]

If I remember right, the cartoon that poster Uncle Ira mentions is the picture of a husband & wife at the dinner table. She says "It's broccoli, dear" -- and then he retorts with "I say it's spinach, and I say the hell with it!"

[bryan]

Funny, I recall it being a little girl and it was a Steigtz (?) drawing.

[Uncle Ira]

I think the drawing is by Carl Rose, but the caption was written by E. B. White. (And you’re right.. it was a little girl talking to her mom.)

It’s just one of those lines that always makes me laugh.....

Uncle Ira

[prunefeet]

I remember this one!!! Thanks for reminding me, I love that one.

[Gary Soup]

"“I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.”

-- George H.W. Bush

[Rick_V]

"Life is a blur of Republicans and meat."

--Zippy the Pinhead (aka Bill Griffith)

[Luwak]

"Accept Provolone into your life."

--Zippy the Pinhead (aka Bill Griffith)

[Gary Soup]

I have a T-shirt from Murrays that reads "You have a friend in cheeses."

[Non Cognomina]

I want one! That's awesome!

[negronilover]

Burgundy makes you think of silly things; Bordeaux makes you talk about them, and Champagne makes you do them.”
—Jean Anthelme Brillat-Savarin

I've been looking for the original source of this quote and I really don't think it's in Physiology of Taste. Actually, I'd welcome any ideas.

Also, a favorite quote from Physiology... is:
"A meal without cheese is like a beautiful woman with only one eye."

[kubasd]

Brillat-Savarin is full of great food quotes...

All men, even those we call savages, have been so tormented by the passion for strong drinks, that limited as their capacities were, they were yet able to manufacture them.

Tell me what you eat, and I will tell you who you are.

The number of flavors is infinite, for every soluble body has a peculiar flavor, like none other.

The sense of smell explores; deleterious substances almost always have an unpleasant smell.

Those persons who suffer from indigestion, or who become drunk, are utterly ignorant of the true principles of eating and drinking.

[kobetobiko]

This is my favorite:

"I've eaten dog, cat, rat, cockroach, camel penis, bee larve, scorpions, spiders, night hawk, and pre-born duck embryo without feeling ill. Can't say the same for Taco Bell or McDonalds."

weirdmeat.com

[LadyCook61]

funny...Not

[chaddict]

um, actually...

[FAL]

The whole world is in the food business at least the consuming end. - Irma Rombauer

[gini]

Eating pizza with a knife and fork is like making love through an interpreter.

[amkirkland]

on a t-shirt...

MEAT IS MURDER

tasty, tasty, murder

[prunefeet]

This was the name of an album as well, Morrisey or the Smiths, very annoying.

[evewitch]

My favorite bumper sticker: "Meat is Dinner"

[alkapal]

recently seen on a T-shirt: "Salad is Murder" ... showing a lettuce bowl with the red bar sign over the image. Back at the vegetarian do-gooders.

[ricepad]

Also on a bumper sticker (and t-shirt):

I LOVE CATS, TOO
let's trade recipes!

[LadyCook61]

not funny.

[ajs228]

Yeah, and it doesn't make any sense either. I mean, how are you going to trade recipes with someone in another car? That's just rediculous.

[mclaugh]

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will keep worms in the refrigerator.

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish, and you get rid of him on weekends.

One man's meat is another man's poisson.

[danna]

"If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. But if you teach a man to fish, he will buy an ugly hat. And if you talk about fish to a starving man, then you're a consultant."

Scott Adams

[Delucacheesemonger]

Give a fish a man, and it will eat for weeks.

[alkapal]

signed, tony soprano

[ambrose]

Ambrose Bierce's definition of a fork:

"An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth."

[SomeRandomIdiot]

I also like "Trichinosis - The pig's reply to proponents of porcophagy."

[Katie Nell]

My personal favorite... "Many people believe the names of In 'n Out and Steak 'n Shake perfectly describe the contrast in bedroom techniques between the coast and the heartland." ~Roger Ebert

[Covert Ops]

"Leave the gun. . .take the cannoli." -- The Godfather

[Offbalance]

"I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "F*ck it. Cut em up."

"I saw a wino eating grapes, and I said dude - you've got to WAIT."

"If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be f--ked up."

"I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall."

"Pickles are cucumbers that sold out."

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips...

---All by Mitch Hedburg

[amkirkland]

I drove 5 hours one way and 4 hours back to see mitch about 6 years ago. I'm glad i did when I had the chance.

[Melanie]

I am VERY jealous!

[diablo]

Man. I am sooo sorry this guy accidently offed himself. I have a cd of one of his shows in my car and it still cracks me up to this very day.

[thegingerbreadgirl]

This Mitch Hedburg quote was always one of my favorites:

"I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for a donut. I'll give you the money, you give me the donut - end of transaction."

[ambrose]

Seen on the front of a T-shirt: P.E.T.A.

Seen on the back of the same T-shirt: People Eating Tasty Animals

[KevinB]

Sign outside a T-shirt shop in Toronto:

"If God didn't want us to eat animals, why did he make them taste so good?"

[phantomdoc]

Think that one is TED NUGENT.

[Non Cognomina]

"Between the optimist and the pessimist, the difference is droll. The optimist sees the donut; the pessimist, the hole!" Oscar Wilde

"Let them eat cake!" Someone other than Marie Antoinette

"I am a great eater of beef, and I believe it does do harm to my wit." Shakespeare

"Nothing helps scenery like bacon and eggs." Mark Twain

"Be the bacon." Thomas Keller

[kmr]

I can't remember her exact words, but I always loved Julia Childs words on margerine: "Never will that loathsome substance cross my lips."

It made a big impression on my, I heard her say that on TV maybe 30 years ago, and I have never, ever purchased margerine!

[Candy]

1 martini 2 martini 3 martini FLOOR!

[Covert Ops]

I've often heard that with tequila, it seems to roll of the tongue easier for me. :-)

I had a director one time who would proclaim, after mispronouncing something, that he had had "tee many martoonies."

[Candy]

I think the"tee many matroonies" was an old Shelly Berman line.

[atheorist]

"You know you're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on" - Dean Martin

[winebitch]

"I don't remember where we were, I don't remember the name of the girl, but the wine... was Chambertin!" Hugh Johnson

[misterbrucie]

"If we're not supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?"

"Just hand over the chocolate and no one will get hurt"

-Bumper stickers

[amkirkland]

"Beer: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems"

Homer Simpson

[DBrooks]

That's the best...gotta love Homer.

[Davwud]

"Donuts. Is there anything they can't do??"

H. Simpson

[bermudagourmetgoddess]

"Can't Talk ... Eating"
Home Simpson

[buttertart]

Homer is an unstoppable fount of memorable food quotes. In the episode "Guess who's criticizing dinner" (Homer becomes a food critic for the Springfield Shopper...one of the best ever in my opinion) he sings a little ditty ending " ...I'll eat eggplant...I'd even eat a baby deer" which cracks me up completely. Love the equivocal quality of "I'll eat eggplant" - has a whiff of "if I'm forced to" about it.

[Davwud]

"Homer is an unstoppable fount of memorable quotes." PERIOD. But that's another story.

How 'bout, "All work and no beer make Homer, something, something, something."

DT

[buttertart]

"That wonderful, magical animal." (the source of ham, bacon, and pork chops). Also applies to Homer.

[Spends Rent on Food]

"All right brain, you don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer." - HS

[phantomdoc]

You should drown in a vat of whiskey.

W.C. Fields....Oh death, where is thy sting.

[SunnysideUp]

"In the heart of every great cook is a Chinese guy"

Anthony Bourdain

[Vexorg]

"Nobody ever goes there anymore, it's too crowded."
-Yogi Berra, on a popular New York Restaurant

[zsqw]

Lily Bollinger on champagne:

"I drink it when I'm happy and when I'm sad.
Sometimes I drink it when I'm alone.
When I have company I consider it obligatory.
I trifle with it if I'm not hungry and I drink it when I am.
Otherwise I never touch it, unless I'm thirsty."

[ishmael]

"I never eat healthy foods or exercise because when I die I want to be very very sick"

" I used to frequent a German/Chinese restaurant but I stopped. Half an hour after eating there I got hungry for power"

I love vegetarians. I just don't know what their f***ing problem is.

I've never met a jolly vegetarian

I have a friend who is an ovo-lacto vegetarian. Me, I'm a porco-vegetarian

[alkapal]

Was the German/Chinese quote from Woody Allen?

[alkapal]

no alkapal, it wasn't, although it sounds like woody. instead, it was that great stand up comedian and joke writer, dick cavett.

http://www.sheckymagazine.com/cavett.htm

[ishmael]

I seem to remember it from Woody's "Without feathers" but I can't find my copy to confirm.

[Spoonula]

"I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance." Stephen Wright

[ali patts]

From 'Crocodile Dundee' (of all movies) when asked if the bbq'ed bat was good, "Nah, needs garlic".
From a storypeople print "I have vegetarians in my past, but they're gone now and I'm much happier".
Unknown "I went on a diet a fortnight ago and all I've lost is two weeks"

[smrits]

"I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks." — Joe E. Lewis.

[bermudagourmetgoddess]

"I gave up drinking and smoking, it was the hardest hour of my life"

[rockycat]

Never meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and go well with ketchup.

bumper sticker

[Non Cognomina]

This would be a great fortune cookie find in a chinese fusion restaurant.

[ccbweb]

I don't recall whether it was Julia Child for sure (I think it was) who said:

"If your food is beautiful on the plate, you can be certain that someone's hands have been all over it."

Or something to that effect.

[Luwak]

Somehow that reminds me of a remark made years ago by a slightly tipsy Graham Kerr, aka The Galloping Gourmet. After dropping a whole chicken on the floor, he paused a moment, then retrieved it and put it back on the platter, saying something like, “remember ladies, what goes on in YOUR kitchen is YOUR business!”

[Candy]

No, that was Julia Child

[Katie Nell]

Actually, I was watching an urban myth show, and that never happened... at least her dropping a chicken on the floor on camera never happened.

[Candy]

I read a recent article about the beginning of the JC shows with Russel Morash. The chicken incident was mentioned again. I guess I am going to have to buy the CD of all of the shows and check it out.

[Katie Nell]

I sure would like to see it if it did happen!

[ambrose]

Well, according to snopes.com, which is usually pretty reliable when it comes to urban myths, the chicken incident never happened. However, Julia did admit to a 'potato pancake incident'.

http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/juli...

[Candy]

Yeah I know about Snopes and use it frequently but the interview with Morash brought it back up again. He was the producer so I tend to believe, but as i said I am just going to have to get the CD and verify it for myself. The article pointed out that the time is the shows were taped in real time and there was no going back later and redoing anything. They just had to go with what happened and deal with it.

[ambrose]

Well, have fun but suggest you get the DVD rather than the CD. LOL.

[Uncle Ira]

Yes, it was the great and glorious JC. As I recall it, she was giving her definition of Nouvelle Cuisine: “Food that’s been so artfully prepared, and so beautifully arranged on the plate, that you just know that someone’s fingers have been all over it”

[MC Slim JB]

"Bacon is a vegetable" -- t-shirt sold by webcomic "Diesel Sweeties"

"I hate people who are not serious about their meals." -- Oscar Wilde

"We plan, we toil, we suffer - in the hope of what? A camel-load of idol's eyes? The title deeds of Radio City? The empire of Asia? A trip to the moon? No, no, no, no. Simply to wake just in time to smell coffee and bacon and eggs." -- J. B. Priestly

Here's one I remember (too late) every time I have a bad meal at a restaurant that's been open for less than a month: "The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." -- Steven Wright

"We should look for someone to eat and drink with before looking for something to eat and drink." -- Epicurus

"Bread and butter, devoid of charm in the drawing-room, is ambrosia eating under a tree." -- Elizabeth Russell

"Sharing food with another human being is an intimate act that should not be indulged in lightly." -- M. F. K. Fisher

"Tell me what you eat, I'll tell you who you are." -- Anthelme Brillat-Savarin

"Let us eat and drink; for tomorrow we shall die." -- Isaiah 22:13

[ajs228]

I got the "Bacon is a vegetable" shirt for Christmas. Came with a bumper sticker too.
My favorite phrase has always been, "Bacon makes everything better."

[dinner belle]

I loved it on a recent Iron Chef when Jeffrey Steingerten said, "The only thing more enjoyable than chocolate is bacon."

[rfneid]

Then Jeffrey Steingerten would love the chocolate bar I just saw in the cheese store around the corner - & I swear this is true - dark chocolate covered, applewood smoked bacon!

[ajs228]

Or Ted Allen on Iron Chef, "Two words to improve any dish. Ba, Con"

[Cinnamon]

I had pork mole last night that was essentially ham chocolate fondue, so I beg to differ.

[NVJims]

"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you will be in Utah" Sign in Wendover Nevada just before crossing over into Utah.

[agalarneau]

The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal
probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world.

- Robert Orben

[Jesdamala]

Forgive me if this has been mentioned...but a great little tome is
"Never Eat More Than You Can lift" by Sharon Tyler Herbst..

http://www.amazon.com/Never-More-Othe...

Hope the above link works...many, many quotes, and lots of fun to read!

[prunefeet]

Or "never eat anything bigger than your head" from Kliban (wrote books of humorous cartoons mostly about cats)

[danna]

Also Kliban (visulaize cat w/ guitar):

Love to eat them mousies
Mousies what I love to eat
Bite they tiny heads off
Nibble they tiny feet

(Apologies for any misquoting...that was from memory)

[LindaWhit]

I think you got it right! And it reminded me of this one:

fish heads
fish heads
roly poly fish heads
fish heads
fish heads
eat them up
yum

[ricepad]

Great video!

They don't play baseball,
They don't wear sweaters,
They don't go to movies,
They don't play drums.

[LindaWhit]

And did you know one of them is/was Bill Mumy - who played Will Robinson in Lost in Space?

[prunefeet]

OMG, really??? Very funny.

[oonth]

A great toast "Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends" - Francis Bacon (Anglo-Irish painter)

"I'm a vegetarian not because I love animals but because I hate plants" - Unattributed

[whs]

I can't believe no one has mentioned the greatest food quote of all time: "Let them eat cake". Or as Jeffrey Dahmer said to Lorena Bobbitt: "you gonna eat that?"

[ambrose]

“I do wish we could chat longer, but I'm having an old friend for dinner…”
- Hannibal Lecter

[Sinicle]

Don't know where I read it, but
" If all the coffee labeled 'Blue Mountain' were from Jamaica, Jamaica would have to be the size of Texas."

[Charles]

Does anyone know the exact quote and who said it that goes something like... “The job of the Chef is to take great ingredients and not ruin them.”

[Covert Ops]

ALLEZ CUISINE!!

[adkim]

"Rice is good to eat when you're really hungry and want to eat a thousand of something."
-Mitch Hedber (R.I.P.)

[adkim]

From the Texas Cafe or aka 'the spoon' in Lubbock, TX (bbq) :

"Don't pass salad off as food"

[ali patts]

I forgot - a friends 6 year old son on vegetables, 'grows in dirt, tastes like dirt'. Out of the mouths of babes!

[Harp00n]

A triple play by the late, great William Claude Dukenfield aka W.C. Fields:

"Once...in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days"
- My Little Chickadee

"What contemptible scoundrel stole the corkscrew from my lunch?"
- You Can't Cheat an Honest Man!

"I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink: that's the one thing I'm indebted to her for."
- Never Give a Sucker an Even Break

[Harp00n]

And this from Oscar Wilde; "Work is the curse of the drinking class!"

[Aromatherapy]

Actually that was Prof. Spooner. As in spoonerism. A pathetic yet entertaining figure.

[Harp00n]

Actually, the vast majority of all quotes attributed to William Archibald Spooner are considered apocryphal and he irritatedly stated so during his lifetime. George Carlin would well understand his annoyance. BTW, "A pathetic yet entertaining figure", hardly. W.A. Spooner was highly regarded by both peers and students in his over sixty years of service at New College, Oxford.

The citation of this quote, as being by Oscar Wilde, is from chapter 12 of Hesketh Pearson's 1946 biography "Oscar Wilde, His Life and Wit". Moreover, spoonerism are akin to malapropism, without guile, i.e. unintentional transpositions. Wilde identified himself with anarchistic socialism and, based on many of his other quotes, it would fit his, rightfully, cynical views of the English "Ruling Class".

[Davwud]

"I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy."

W. C. Fields

[phantomdoc]

WC once was on the movie set and was drinking pineapple juice in a scene. He was supposed to have gin and pineapple juice. The crew pulled a prank and gave him juice without any gin. He took a sip and said .

"Somebody put pineapple juice in my pineapple juice."

[moiraknows]

“If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose."
Jack Handy

[Tomatokid]

"Sure Lisa, there's some magical animal that gives us bacon and ham and ribs." Homer Simpson

[Junie D]

"Beware of girls who don't like wine, truffles, cheese, or music."
Colette

[LJS]

"There are few foods that are not enhanced by the addition of either bacon or chocolate, but rarely both". Food Editor, Spy Magazine

[Flour Child]

"Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mothers tasted better the day before."
Rita Rudner

"Food is an important part of a balanced diet" Fran Lebowitz

"Bread is the warmest,kindest of words. Write it always with a capital letter, like your own name." Anonymous

"If you don't want to use butter, then use cream!" Julia Child

[ishmael]

I spent ninety percent of all the money I made on loose women, good food and wine.. the rest I squandered.

[xianzhong]

"Bad food is made without pride, by cooks who have no pride, and no love. Bad food is made by chefs who are indifferent, or who are trying to be everything to everybody, who are trying to please everyone ... Bad food is fake food ... food that shows fear and lack of confidence in people’s ability to discern or to make decisions about their lives. Food that’s too safe, too pasteurized, too healthy – it’s bad! There should be some risk, like unpasteurized cheese. Food is about rot, and decay, and fermentation….as much as it is also about freshness."
- Anthony Bourdain, Interview with Chris Tan (http://www.foodfella.com/Writing%20Pa...

"if you're going to kill the animal it seems only polite to use the whole thing"
- Fergus Henderson, Chef of St. John in London, England

"I always want to rate restaurants, like movies get rated—PG-13; NC-17. We'd get an adult rating —an R, which means no babies, no one who's going to complain about the music, no special requests."
- David Chang, Chef at Momofuku Noodle Bar, NYC

Advice to future cooks. "You're better off peeling potatoes at a great kitchen than working saucier at a really mediocre place."
- David Chang, Chef at Momofuku Noodle Bar, NYC

[nose_food]

I don't remember the name of the girl, I don't remember the name of the place....
But the wine-was a Chambertin. (I think it was Balzac).

[Gary Soup]

....and I don't remember the author?

[chaddict]

(Standing at fish counter, holding a lobster)

"Okay, hold on now! So you're telling me you put these little guys in boiling water, and they shriek, and they turn red and they die?"

"Yes, sir."

"That is THE most metal thing I have ever heard in my whole life! High five!"

God bless, Dethklok!

[KenWritez]

"Life is too short to eat bad food."

"If PETA members were serious, they'd offer their own lives in exchange for a veal's. Who's got the barbecue sauce?"

"I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain just to eat only nuts and berries."

“Food is our common ground, a universal experience.” ~James Beard

"I love Thanksgiving turkey. It's the only time in Los Angeles you see natural breasts." ~Arnold Schwarzenegger

"As viscous as motor oil swirled in a swamp, redolent of burnt bell peppers nested in by incontinent mice and a finish reminiscent of the dregs of a stale can of Coca-Cola that someone has been using as an ashtray. Not a bad drink, though." ~Wine Tasting by T. A. Nonymous

[diablo]

"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"

-Julia Child

[Davwud]

I don't know how many of Julia's quotes are in here but god love her.

DT

[Spiritchaser]

Not sure if quotes on drinks are included but how about"

A woman once drove me to drive and I didn't have the decency to thank here.
- WC Fields

I drink champagne when I'm happy and when I'm sad. Sometimes I drink it when I'm alone. When I have company I consider it obligatory. I trifle with it if I'm not hungry and drink it when I am. Otherwise I never touch it - unless I'm thirsty. ~ Madame Lilly Bollinger

[MMRuth]

Winston Churchill:

Lady Astor: "Winston, if I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee."
Winston: "Nancy, if I were your husband I'd drink it."

"Sir Winston Churchill once attended a dinner party in Virginia where wine and fried chicken were served. He asked the voluptuous hostess if he could have a piece of breast meat. She replied with her Southern drawl, Mr. Churchill, nice people don't use that word for that part of the anatomy. We say white meat.' The next day the hostess received a small box from a local florist. Inside was a beautiful corsage and a note from Churchill which read, I would be obliged if you would pin this corsage on your white meat."

[aussiewonder]

Cooking is like love ~ it should be entered into with abandon, or not at all -Harriet Van Horne

[dalaimama]

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

A. Whitney Brown

[Terrieltr]

Rules of Chocolate

1. If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly!

2. Chocolate covered raisins, orange slices, cherries, and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want!

3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

4. Diet tip: Eat chocolate before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.

5. If calories are an issue, store yoru chocolate in the refrigerator. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

6. If I east equal amounts of dark and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don’t they actually counteract each other?

7. Money talks. Chocolate sings.

8. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

9. Q. Why is there no such organization as chocoholics anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit.

10. Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.

11. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?

12. If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it’ll keep in the freezer. but if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?

[Tomatokid]

Sous Chef: "5 second rule";
Expediter: "but it's for a VIP!"
Sous Chef: "Alright 10 seconds." -(kitchen name witheld to protect the reputation)

"Good cooking, good eating, good loving; Quality gets ALL". Paul Prudhomme

[SweetPhyl]

Garlic is the ketchup of intellectuals.

Life is too short to drink cheap wine.

[bronwen]

There was a great English cook called Fanny Craddock who starred on a show with her husband Johnny who purported to be "helping" her but was actually drinking all the cooking sherry and getting pretty drunk. Once Fanny held up two huge potatoes saying "These are King Edward's" whereupon we heard Johnny's drunken voice in the background saying "They look more like King Kong's ....."

[aussiewonder]

from a tshirt i forgot i even had...
Friends don't let friends drink White Zinfandel!
Or as seen on a bumper sticker
Friends don't let friends drink Starbucks

[Lemon Curry]

From the (excellent) Posh Nosh:
"We make our own stock, but by all means buy stock cubes if you have no self-esteem"

[free sample addict aka Tracy L]

Shut your mouth and eat
---my mom

Pizza is death
--my doctor

[mariacarmen]

1. On a greeting card given to me 15 years ago - drawing of a prim young Victorian woman at table, holding plate up and laciviously licking it clean.
Caption: "There is no love sincerer than the love of food."
George Bernard Shaw. that one's framed in my kitchen.

2. "If we weren't supposed to eat animals, why did God make them out of meat?" (unsure of provenance of that one.)

[ishmael]

Number 2--Mitch Hedberg I believe

[Tomatokid]

To a conga beat "YOU DON'T WIN FRIENDS WITH SALAD!" -Bart Simpson

[Jeters]

Probably my favorite poem of all time:

This Is Just To Say

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast.

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold.

-- William Carlos Williams

[meg944]

My husband recites that to me on occasion - very sexy! I have thought about having it made up as "wonderful graffiti" for our kitchen chalkboard.

[DallasDude]

I enjoy the wit of the poem. I recall an episode of This American Life where they had the contributers write a verion of This Is Just To Say. Here is one of those:

This is just to say
I have cooked
the turkey
that was in
the fridge

and which
you were probably saving
for Thanksgiving dinner

Forgive me
it was big
so big
and so raw

Listen to that episode here: http://www.thislife.org/Radio_Episode...

[JWalker]

I cook with wine; sometimes I even add it to the food! ~W.C. Fields

[Davwud]

It is a tad childish but I can't believe no one has used "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, I eat it."

Also, "You can tune a piano but you can't tune a fish."

"Sex is like pizza, even when it's lousy it's still pretty good."

"That's a warning salvo to vegetarians everywhere."
A. Bourdain in Spain minutes before a pig was to be slaughtered.

"Pork fat rules!"
E. Legace (Say what you want, he's right)

"There are only three ingredients to this gastronomical train wreck."
A. Bourdain when describing poutine (Which he very much enjoyed I might add)

DT

[cepaulsen]

" You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. "
frank zappa

[gini]

There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: this glass is half full. And then there are those who say: this glass is half empty. The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!

-- (Terry Pratchett, The Truth)

[Ima Wurdibitsch]

I love Terry Pratchett! Great quote.

[rfneid]

From "Home Grown Tomatoes", a song by Guy Clark: "only two things that money can't buy & that's true love & home grown tomatoes"

[Terrieltr]

Stephine Davis has a song called "Talkin' Harvest Time Blues". I will always remember the line "You have to take zucchini—we’re related!"

[hungry_pangolin]

A bit politically incorrect (it was 1700, after all), but, from Congreve's The Way of the World:
To drink is a Christian diversion
Unknown to the Turk or the Persian :
Let Mahometan fools,
Live by heathenish rules,
And be damn'd over teacups and coffee;
But let British lads sing,
Crown a health to the King.
And a fig for our Sultan and Sophy! [sophie = shah]

I just want to add that I do have a few goods friends who are muslim.

Also, apparently after he left the Catholic Church, Martin Luther was criticised by a fellow reformer for showing undue pleasure in food and drink. His reply was something like "Did not God create the trout that swims in the Rhine, and the grape that grows on its banks? Should I not then take pleasure in His labours?"

[ekammin]

Mordechai Richler's comment on Canadian wine (it's really improved since then) "There is just so much bad wine I can drink for my country."

And on the subject of Moslems, for years there was a restaurant near Columbus Circle in New York that advertised "Shish kebab fit for Allah." I could never pass this without wondering how a Moslem felt seeing that sign - perhaps how a Christian would feel if he saw a sign in, say, Damascus, saying "Hamburgers fit for Jesus Christ."

[Lemon Curry]

I know of a Halal soul food restaurant in Harlem called

"Mookie's No Pork On My Fork"

awesome.

[phantomdoc]

On a bumper sticker on 6th street in the east village of NYC.

I love Allah...with ch added in front of Allah.

[chef chicklet]

"Oh, domesticity! The wonder of dinner plates and cream pitchers. You know your friends by their ornaments. You want everything. If Mrs. A. has her mama's old jelly mold, you want one too, and everything else that goes with it -- the family, the tradition, the years of having jelly molded in it. We domestic sensualists live in a state of longing, no matter how comfortable our own places are. a passage from Jane Austin's " The Lone Pilgrim" is so much my favorite and describes the way I feel about my kitchen and things to the T.

and
"When the talk turns to eating, a subject of the greatest importance, only fools and sick men don't give it the attention it deserves." - Laura Esquivel

[lunchbox]

"to be enbalmed without being fed, makes a man feel distinctly dead"- Martial

I once absent-mindedly ordered three mile Island dressing in a restaurant and with great presence of mind, they brought thousand Island dressing and a bottle of chili sauce"- Terry Pratchett

I threw a dinner party for twelve and made gazpacho and risotto and tacos and osso buco and a gateau of jell-o with marshmallows and served it with a Barolo- Garrison Keeler

I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die: He told me my vinaigrette needed more vinegar. He was wrong about that. Dead wrong.- Garrison Keeler

Great restaurants are nothing more than mouth-brothels. There is no point in going to them if one intends to keep one's belt buckled.- Frederick Raphael

Heaven sends us good meat, but the devil sends us cooks.- David Garrick

Red meat isn't bad for you. Blue green meat- now THAT is bad for you!- Tommy Smothers

I went to a buffet shaped like an Ouija board- youthought about the food you wanted and the food came to you- Stephen Wright

My mom made two dishes: Take it or Leave it.- Stephen Wright

[Barry Foy]

In a review of the book SERVICE INCLUDED in The New York Times Book Review (18 Nov.), Sean Wilsey wrote:

Refinement is a form of corruption. Sharpening the palate may well correspond to deeper deadening. Human organs of sense experience, cut free from anything but their own pleasure, catered to so scrupulously--how can it end in anything other than a spoiled, infantilized, ever-more-demanding state?

[north2south]

"I was at a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress heard me because she asked, 'How would you like your eggs?' So I tried to answer her anyway. I said, 'Incubated... And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun.... Damn, that's going to take a while. I don't have time.... Scrambled!'" - Mitch Hedberg

It's better seen and heard rather than read. It's at the end of this short video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5V9SHd...

[north2south]

Another Hedberg gem:
"Pepperidge Farm bread... That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast."

[Cookiepants]

"Pork-the other white meat"

or

Ezekiel 4:12, 15
And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man.

snicker snicker

[Kam7185]

A moment on the lips.....forever on the hips!

Gotta love mothers!

[Panini Guy]

The late, great Sam Kinison on solving world hunger:
"See this? This is sand. Nothing grows in sand. You live in the desert. MOVE TO THE FOOD!!"

[guate]

From the Addams Family movie, regarding lemonade:
Girl Scout: Is this made from real lemons?
Wednesday: Yes.
Girl Scout: I only like all-natural foods and beverages, organically grown, with no preservatives. Are you sure they're real lemons?
Pugsley: Yes.
Girl Scout: Well, I'll tell you what. I'll buy a cup if you buy a box of my delicious Girl Scout cookies. Do we have a deal?
Wednesday: Are they made from real Girl Scouts?

[Vee7]

At a large banquet with my extended family, after many courses, my skinny cousin said, I'm full. My fat cousin replied, that's no reason to stop.

[BobB]

Don't forget the ever-acerbic Fran Lebowitz:

"Food is an important part of a balanced diet."

"If you're going to America, bring your own food."

"Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat."

"Inhabitants of underdeveloped nations and victims of natural disasters are the only people who have ever been happy to see soybeans."

“People have been cooking and eating for thousands of years, so if you are the very first to have thought of adding fresh lime juice to scalloped potatoes try to understand that there must be a reason for this.”

“Civilised adults do not take apple juice with dinner.”

“Cold soup is a very tricky thing and it is the rare hostess who can carry it off. More often than not the dinner guest is left with the impression that had he only come a little earlier he could have gotten it while it was still hot.”

[Scagnetti]

"I went to the hospital for a blood transfusion and they gave me a wine list."
-- Dean Martin

[lidiab]

"Times fun when your having flies" Kermit the Frog

[Scrapironchef]

"if this is food, what have we been eating?" Hank Hill in the Food CoOp episode of King of the Hill.

[jumpingmonk]

On dumplings (the western kind not the asian kind)

"a good dumpling is the mark of a good cook. You'll appreciate this fact if you've ever had one by a bad cook"
Terry Prachett (via Nanny Ogg)

[billieboy]

Seeing as this post has been brought back, I offer this from James Barber the Urban Peasant.

"Cooking is like sex. You do the best you can with what you have"

[buttertart]

On another facet of the same topic,
"Making love to her was like eating a peach with no pit."
which as I recall is from Toby Olson's novel "Utah", a wonderful book in general.

[al b. darned]

"Life's short. Eat dessert first."

[JK Grence the Cosmic Jester]

It's always fun seeing an old topic get dusted off...

"The body is like a finely tuned machine: If you don't put in enough oil, it breaks down."
--Julia Child

[ktb615]

I don't know how he has been missed this whole thread, but how about Fernand Point quotes?

"Before judging a thin man, one must get some information. Perhaps he was once fat."

"I like to start off my day with a glass of Champagne. I like to wind it up with Champagne, too. To be frank, I also like a glass or two in between."

"Butter! Give me butter! Always butter!"

[Pigeage]

I was so happy to see this thread still going strong!

"Viva la Chow!", and let's keep 'em coming, you classy bunch of foodies, you!

To help us along - I offer another bon mot from Mr. O'Rourke:

"Wedding reception food, whether served at table or presented at a buffet, should be stuff that's easy to throw up."

;-)

[KevinB]

Not exactly a quotation, but my favourite recipe from Mr. O'Rourke (from "Modern Manners" or "The Bachelor's Home Companion" not sure which):

A party food to be served at someone else's party:

"Soup Nagasaki: Preheat oven to 500 degrees. Put one unopened tin of Campbell's soup in the oven. Leave. 30 minutes later - Soup Nagasaki!"

[JK Grence the Cosmic Jester]

Oh, that's right up there with the roast chicken recipe I'd learned some years ago... Get a chicken, Stove Top stuffing mix, and 1 cup of unpopped popcorn. Prepare the stuffing mix by the package directions, adding the popcorn. Stuff the bird as usual. Roast the bird in a V-rack at 350 degrees. When the bird's ass blows off in about an hour, the fragments will be tender and juicy.

[weezycom]

To paraphrase from A Year In Provence:

The English love words, the French love food. The French have a hundred cheeses and argue about which one is best. The English have one cheese and argue about which fork to eat it with.

[harrisea]

Everyone needs something to believe in. I believe I'll have another cookie.

[AngelSanctuary]

"Desserts are like mistresses. They are bad for you. So if you are having one, you might as well have two." - Alain Ducasse

Favorite quote EVER.

[Pigeage]

Yes, well - he would know. ;-)

[alkapal]

um, is that one of them pictured in your avatar?

[BeefeaterGin]

"The proper union of gin and vermouth is a great and sudden glory; it is one of the happiest marriages on earth, and one of the shortest lived"

Bernard Devoto

[alkapal]

"Some of our best meals are memories!"

kattyeyes (fellow chowhound)
May 19, 2009
10:14PM

[bermudagourmetgoddess]

"You gotta kill it before you can grill it!"

"Vegetarians are cool. All I eat are vegetarians - except for the occasional mountain lion steak."

Uncle Ted (Nugent)

[Davwud]

"The cuter the critter, the sweeter the meat."

Also Uncle Ted.

DT

[Sam Fujisaka]

"The old carabao likes the young grass!"

- A Filipino saying that is not really talking about food

[mcsheridan]

"Time is an illusion; Lunchtime doubly so." - Douglas Adams
"Unless life also hands you water and sugar, your lemonade's gonna suck!" - Unknown
"I believe there's room for all of Nature's creatures: right next to the gravy and mashed potatoes." - bumper sticker

[alkapal]

>>>>"Unless life also hands you water and sugar, your lemonade's gonna suck!" - Unknown<<<<

i love that one!

[Rmis32]

From Zagat "Outtakes"
1. If I want to be ignored, I can stay home with my family.
2. Anorexic portions at obese prices.
3. Only the flies on our table enjoyed the meal.
4. Take a look at the staff on the way in – that’s the last you’ll see of them.
5. Suffers from delusions of adequacy.

[Passadumkeg]

"Lobster the other white meat", The Maine Lobster Council
"You won't get drunk on another man's vodka" My grandfather
"The church is near, but the road is icy, the tavern is far, but I'll walk carefully." Grandfather in translation.
"Chicken today, feathers tomorrow" on the kitchen wall of my childhood home.
"Drinking lite beer is like making love w/ ones clothing on. What's the point?" Passadumkeg
"Life's too short to drink cheap beer" Wartstiener ad
"In heaven ther is no beer
That's why we drink it here..." Polka tune
"Red Neck White Socks and Blue Ribbon Beer" C&W song

[jumpingmonk]

"The church is near, but the road is icy, the tavern is far, but I'll walk carefully." Grandfather in translation.

I've read that proverb before, it was in Spider Robinson's "Off the Wall at Callahan's" Now at least I know he wasnt making it up!

I used this one once when arguing that steps needed to be taken to prevent some remote possibility (I forgot what the remote possiblity was)

"It's a bit like biting into a mature bannana seed in a supermarket banana; while extremely unlikey, it is theoretically possible, and if it does happen you are going to be in far too much pain to appreciate how rare the occurence is."

[Yesenia]

"There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook & won't, that's a wife who can't cook & will." ~ Robert Frost

[Scargod]

Waitress said to me, "The steak is not tough, you are cutting it wrong".

[alkapal]

destined to become a classic! {;^D.

[LindaWhit]

Can't believe she said that when you had a pointy sharp knife in your hand. ;-)

[Harp00n]

Conversely LW, maybe the blade was dull. :-D

Harp

[Scargod]

I was young, perhaps just 20. At the time, I hadn't had many steaks. The waitress, twice my age, intimidated me and I struggled through it. I can't remember the knife, but it's likely it was pointed, unlike the huge, rounded-tipped knives of today. Jim Bowie would roll over in his grave if he could see the restaurant conversion of his knife into a emasculated, serrated steak knife...

[LindaWhit]

Cougar intimidation. Got it. ;-)

And I *hate* those massive steak knives you sometimes get with your steak now - especially serrated ones that shred the steak instead of cutting it properly.

[Scargod]

When I was 20 I didn't know what "Cougar" meant and barely knew the pleasure of a woman, old or young. I just had to go look Cougar up!
I was in the liquor store yesterday when a much younger woman engaged me and was oohing and awing over my big selection of wines. I could hardly disengage. What do you call that? I'm naive (Evian backwards)... does she have a cat name?

[LindaWhit]

LOL! I don't think "cougar" came into existence until fairly recently...but I could be mistaken.

As for the young lady in the liquor store? No cat name. Just a gold digger. (Your "big selection of wines"????? LOL!!)

[alkapal]

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

“I didn't work my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables.”

sign in restaurant: “Special Today - No Ice Cream”

English sign in German café: “Mothers - please wash your Hans before eating.”

“The quality of food in a restaurant is inversely proportional to the number of signed celebrity photographs on the walls.”

“Practice safe eating - always use condiments.”

“Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work for McDonald's.”

sign in restaurant: “Our tongue sandwiches speak for themselves.”
~~~~~
all from joe-ks.com

[LindaWhit]

I love the first one from Steven Wright. :-)

Some more:

HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig. (Anonymous)

When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper. - Andy Rooney

I don't like gourmet cooking or "this" cooking or "that" cooking. I like good cooking. - James Beard

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. - George Carlin

[AngelSanctuary]

Lol I've been drinking Evian for years before someone made a comment about the water being naive and then I was like OH MY GOD!!

But seriously, I can TASTE a difference and I can't drink water if it's not from Evian.

[JK Grence the Cosmic Jester]

Someone once pointed out to me the flavor profile of Evian... rocks.

Angel, if you get into wine, go straight for Sauvignon Blanc, you'll love 'em! A really good one is like getting smacked in the face with a piece of wet slate. In a good way.

[Scargod]

"like getting smacked in the face with a piece of wet slate" Soaked in grapefruit juice? I think you've been drinking those French ones with too much "terroir"!

To me, all the New Zealand ones, and many from elsewhere, have a predominantly citrus note.

[Cinnamon]

I miss secondary malolactic fermentation, AKA "buttery" - Murphy Goode chardonnay (yes, chardonnay!!) is a good one of those.

[sbp]

Are you gonna eat your fat?

- Spaulding Smails

[Janet from Richmond]

Sunday brunch is God's way of forgiving you for Saturday night.

[chaz]

Not a quote. Sorry, but do you remember the Twilight Zone with the visitors from outer space who had this book with them whose title was finally translated-too late, incidentally-to keep earthlings from lining up to go up to their planet on their spaceships? It translated as either "To Serve Man" or " To Serve People". It was a cookbook.

[Scargod]

Or the Venus fly-trap like plant that demandingly said, "feed me"!

[buttertart]

Which featured in my nightmares for several years after (caught me at an impressionable age).

[mcsheridan]

Oh yeah, I remember that one! The title of the episode and the title of the cookbook were one and the same: To Serve Man

"Mr. Chambers! Don't get on that ship! The rest of the book, "To Serve Man", it's...it's a cookbook!"

Michael Chambers' last words on the subject: "How about you? You still on Earth, or on a ship with me? Well, it doesn't make very much difference because sooner or later, we'll all of us be on the menu. All of us."

[jumpingmonk]

Bonus food reference, in the orginal short story, by Damon Knight, The Kanamit (the aliens) looked like pigs (not the big bulbous headed things in the Twilight Zone Episode)

Oh and the plant is Audrey Jr. (if you mean the orginal black and white movie) or Audrey II (if you mean the musical/Rick Moranis Movie)

[mcsheridan]

Oh now, that makes the story priceless. Instead of man eating bacon...bacon eats man!

[jumpingmonk]

There actually another Sci-fi story I read, that brought that concept home even more (sorry I forgot the title). It was about a group of aliens who come to earth and reveal that they seeded our planet with primitive human beings, for food purposes. We have since evloved to the point where they wish to now engage with us as social nad tecnological equals and provide us with all the benefits thier society has, in part as an apology and a seeking of forgivness for making cattle of our ancestors. However no matter what they do humanity never accepts them (there's even a Church of Darwin, to refute the aliens claim as blaspemy) finally the aliens give up saying as they leave that it is obvios that we will never understand what they have gone through until we have experianced it for ourles at the end of the story the narrator (who own a farm) walks into his farmous to find one of his pigs standing in his livingroom looking at his newspaper the pig then turns to him and says (in the last lines of the story) ""Seems like pork futures are up." And they were."

[jumpingmonk]

UPDATE: I found the story again it's "A Matter of Taste" by Esther M. Friesner.

[jumpingmonk]

Oh and minor edit it utrsn out the lastin line was "so they were" not "and they were". sorry about that

[Cachetes]

"Mel, kiss mah grits!

It's not elegant or enlightening, but it sure does bring back memories.

[Passadumkeg]

Norman Mailer in his run for th mayor of NYC in the 60's, not only wanted NYC to secede and become the 51st state ( for every federal tax dollar NYC generated it only got back $.42) but referred to the media ( I think it was the media, I only remember the quotation.) as "a bouillaibaisse of bourgois bullshit". What alliteration. What imagery. I love it.

[ArizonaDave]

Love this thread! Laughing my butt off this morning.

Referring to salad:
"That's not food! That's what food EATS!"

Don't remember where that came from, but I've always liked it (and I do like salad)

AzD

[mcsheridan]

It's been traced to Aussie comic Mikey Robins, but it's So reminiscent of John Pinette's sald riff:

"Salad's not food; salad comes WITH the food. Salad is a promissory note that food will soon arrive. If my brain sees a salad it says, something good is gonna happen soon; wait right here."

[phantomdoc]

Referring to sushi, Let's go eat some bait.

[Scargod]

I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. A saying in my family. Not so funny in some non-English speaking countries.

[alkapal]

<translated from the french, with feeling> "oh mom, not horse, agaaaaaaiiiiin?!"

[Sam Fujisaka]

Isn't that a universal American saying?

[Scargod]

I suppose... We also used to say, "I'll wait on you like one pig waits on another!"

[buttertart]

Finally someone else who knows that expression. I had only ever heard it in my family, from my Dad, fount of WWII lingo and stock replies to many questions, not all printable, which are now known fondly as "Alphorisms" (his name was Alf). Thought perhaps it was a regional expression (Im from southwestern Ontario), come to think of it it might be of mess hall origin.

[alkapal]

oh, that expression i knew in my southern upbringing, too.

[The Ranger]

My four favorites are:
Bottled v Tap
--
Besides, I'm blessed with a palate that can barely distinguish between tap water and bottled.
-- evergene, ba.food, 4/1/09

Life's Journey
--
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely, in an attractive and well-preserved body. Rather one should skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out while screaming 'WOO HOO! What a ride!'"
-- Anonymous

Decaf
---
"We're decaf drinkers, and most restaurant decaf is like hot water with a brown crayon dipped in it. This coffee was no different."
Tim Dietz, sdnet.eats, 1140, 6/3/03

Grits
---
"Grits are akin to Elmer's Paste with less flavor and more sand."

[Scargod]

OK with everything but the grits reference. NOT like sand at all! Doctor it up and you mask the glue part. If done properly (with best ingredients), it does not resemble glue and should be treated with respect like good rice.

[The Ranger]

Grits are an atrocity committed by Rebs against Yankees. The Yankee "retaliation" is Malto-Meal. :)

[Scargod]

Waaahhh! ;<,( I like both!

[meg944]

Re: bad coffee, Ani DiFranco had a line I always liked: "The coffee was just water dressed in brown."

[phantomdoc]

This coffee tastes like mud.

Well it was fresh ground this morning.

[alkapal]

<ark ark ark!!>

[Ima Wurdibitsch]

Not exactly food quotes but related...

"Beware of meat twice boiled, and an old foe reconciled."
Benjamin Franklin

"The kiss originated when the first male reptile licked the first female reptile, implying in a subtle, complimentary way that she was as succulent as the small reptile he had for dinner the night before."
F. Scott Fitzgerald

"If I were reincarnated, I’d want to come back a buzzard. Nothing hates him or envies him or wants him or needs him. He is never bothered or in danger, and he can eat anything." William Faulkner

[Passadumkeg]

"Never met a beer I didn't like." Will Rogers?

"Drinking lite beer is like making love w/ your clothes on. What's the point?" Dumb Keg

[buttertart]

Or my grandfather's: "There's no bad beer, just some beer tastes better than others."

[Passadumkeg]

"In Heaven there is no beer,
That's why we drink it here
And when we're gone from here
Our friends will be drinking all the beer!
More beer!" Polish polka

Red Neck, White Socks and Blue Ribbon Beer old C&W song

I like Beer by Tom T. Hall

[Sam Fujisaka]

For you, buddy, a haiku-esque limerick

Kim chee and beer
Kalbi on the sear
Hang with my son
Again as one
Family so dear

[Passadumkeg]

Thanks!
The Dumkegs that drink so ju together
Can become quite ju-ish
With out worrying about
Being kosher!

[Sam Fujisaka]

What're we doing limericking here rather than on the limerick thread?

[alkapal]

two reasons:
1. beer
2. so ju
....
(or the alternative explanation: you think you have the "best, funniest, wittiest" quotes).

[cmvan]

The limerick thread is great! Also check out the one I started for putting food lyrics to favorite tunes -
http://chowhound.chow.com/topics/635869

Some truly great, funny stuff there, too.

[kattyeyes]

You two should have some Colorado Kool-Aid, courtesy of Johnny Paycheck--Poppy had the cassette back in the 70s:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fof0Fe...

This is still funny--I hadn't heard it in years! "Ain't that right, big man?"

[Passadumkeg]

Hey Connecticut Cow Girl, pick up trucks are also called Cowboy Cadillacs.
Here are 2 of my faves: Red Necks White Socks and Blue Ribbon Beer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpiYgFi42PM
Pop a Top Again
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWWKt8bbSHI
And oh yes! Tom T Hall, I Like Beer!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8i5k4I...
On the other hand we have just returned from hiking to a mountain top buddist temple and drinking tea w/ a wonderful monk.

[kattyeyes]

Game on, so ju soldier--lots of fun drinking songs:
If you drink, don't drive, do the "Watermelon Crawl" (Tracy Byrd):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qG76egCZXfo
"One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer" (George Thorogood):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISmgOrhELXs
Then again, if you don't have a designated driver, you might as well go for a soda (Kim Mitchell):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qylncp...

Going for tea with a monk on a mountaintop is even better!

[alkapal]

after finding hilda had marked his gin bottle, rumpole exclaims, "an englishman's gin bottle is his castle!"

-- Rumpole and the Married Lady

[Steve]

An old Mad Magazine cartoon strip:

A New York City street scene. Every place on the block is a pizza parlor with a sign.

The first has a sign proclaiming "Best Pizza on the East Side!"

The second says "Best Pizza in the City!"

The third says "Best Pizza in the World!"

The last one says "Best Pizza on the Block."

[alkapal]

maybe this has been mentioned already:

"How can anyone govern a nation that has two hundred and forty-six different kinds of cheese?"

Charles De Gaulle

[rcspott]

"I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy"

[BobB]

Which reminds me of a toast I learned from a Englishman many years ago: "Champagne for my real friends, and real pain for my sham friends."

[thos]

"if God had intended the eating of sushi he would not have created fire" not sure of the source

[MC Slim JB]

Ugh, I hate that quote, about as witty as, "Haw haw haw! Sushi ain't food fer people, it's bait!" Plus it ignores hundreds if not thousands of years of fish preparation by humans without the use of fire: drying, citrus marinating, salt curing.

http://mcslimjb.blogspot.com/

[pinpei]

And malt does more than Milton can
To justify God's ways to man.

A.E. Housman

[MARISKANY]

Recipe for Hungarian Chicken Paprikas:
First steal a chicken.....

[phantomdoc]

Recipe for German chocolate cake. Start with two Germans.

Vegetarian chopped liver..Take the livers of two vegetarians.

A hoooker says to Jackie Mason..Are you ready for Super Sex? Ill have the soup.

Customer asks waitress..Do you serve crabs? Waitress says Sit down we serve anyone.

[lillidalla]

Seen on a t-shirt in a store in New Orleans this past weekend: Spooning leads to forking.

[Parigi]

"You Can't Be a Revolutionary if You Don't Eat Chilies." Chairman Mao
"The Cantonese wll eat anything with wings except a plane and anything with four legs except a stool." A Chinese saying
"The things I do for England." Prince Charles on sampling snake meat (in Australia?)

[The Ranger]

Here's one from alt.food.barbeque, "Our butcher was so good at reducing waste from animals, the only thing he couldn't recycle was the squeal from a pig and the moo from cows."

[syberyenta]

"She sits among the cabbages and peas"

A lovely English Music-Hall song.