302703 Wed Nov 09 01:48:39 -0800 2005 78 29 Not About Food 0 1696672 Due to some unfortunate circumstances requiring some last-minute changes in plans, we are hosting my wife's (very low-key and laid back) family for Thanksgiving this year. That's 36 hungry people. I have a very small kitchen with a normal-size stove (four burners) and oven (big enough for a turkey and maybe a couple of casserole dishes). We have a gas grill outside that is fine for keeping things warm and even has a burner on it. We live in Los Angeles so the weather will probably co-operate. Because my kitchen is so limited, I really can only cope with the basics -- turkey, potatoes, gravy, and pies which I can bake ahead. Maybe some veggies. So I talked to my mother-in-law and she suggested we have a potluck-style Thanksgiving, where we ask each group to bring a dish -- Aunt Mary to bring yams, Aunt Vi to bring green-bean hotdish, Uncle Lou the bachelor to scrounge up some dinner rolls, etc. I think it's a fine idea. My wife, however, is scandalised and in point of fact had a nice screaming fit at her mother. We overruled her, simply because otherwise we're going to have the most boring Thanksgiving dinner ever, and most of the relatives seem fine with it, though we did get a couple of raised eyebrows before we explained the situation. Obviously, if I had the resources to do it, I'd host the whole thing myself -- I even asked my nexdoorsikeh if they were going to be in town for the holiday and if they'd mind if we used their kitchen if they weren't (unfortunately they also are hosting). Do I suck? Wed Nov 09 01:48:39 -0800 2005 0 Das Ubergeek 1 1696674 you don't suck. there have been many discussions here about the etiquette (or lack thereof) of the potluck dinner. frankly, i think it's a great idea if everyone's game. given the proper space, equipment, time, etc., it's a great feeling of accomplishment to do thanksgiving all yourself. but 36 people is a lot for anyone to handle (i've done it for our family of 18 and been totally wiped out). plus, in your case it's a last minute change in plans. plus, it's family. they should offer to help out! happy thanksgiving. Wed Nov 09 04:26:48 -0800 2005 1696672 0 hobokeg 2 1696675 There is nothing rude in a honest potluck, described clearly as such. Wed Nov 09 05:08:53 -0800 2005 1696674 0 Karl S. 3 1696701 As is so often the case, Karl S. is the voice of reason in his response. What he said. Wed Nov 09 12:23:34 -0800 2005 1696675 0 smokey 4 1696904 Ditto! No one should be required to cook a feast for 35, family or not. I'm in the same position this year with approx 35 people coming for dinner. I'm trying to get folks to fill in the gaps with specific dishes so we don't have 7 cranberry relishes and no sweet potatoes etc.. It's challenging. Let us know how your dinner turns out... I'll do the same. Fri Nov 18 17:23:40 -0800 2005 1696701 0 Scottso 1 1696676 Since your wife is opposed. That should be sufficient to squelch the potluck idea. I can understand her POV. I find that potlucks involving a large number of folks are a real pain. The food must be transportable, not require reheating in the overstressed oven, and arrive on time. Plus the contributors must all be reliable adults and decent cooks. I find that the more people are involved, the more likely Murphy's Law will kick in, and the more fuss and commotion will accompany the occasion. You might go for a modified fool-proof version of a potluck -- assign responsibility for the simple stuff that people can buy, like wine, bread, pies, and maybe ask someone to pick up an appetizer tray at the grocery. Then if Aunt Bertha insists on bringing her special brussels sprout casserole, you can say "fine", and if it doesn't arrive, no big deal. Wed Nov 09 05:17:34 -0800 2005 1696672 0 Sharuf 1 1696677 Wow---I would have never thought of this as rude---our family has been doing this for 30+ years! Mom provided the 4 turkeys, ham, dressing, dinnerware, beverage, a few sides and desert and our relatives would each bring a dish as well. We knew we could count on Aunt J to bring her mac & cheese and Aunt C would always bring something new and different, etc. It's a fun way to "show off" a little if you want with the dish you bring...less hassle for the host and much less stress for everyone involved so that you can have time to relax and share in the holiday of giving thanks. Of course, you run the risk of some odd dishes at times (our Southern family tends to love the starches it seems---aaaccckkk!). Take the pressure off of yourself on this day. If your wife wants to "shine" in the kitchen, then pick another day to invite folks over for a small dinner party. Wed Nov 09 06:52:59 -0800 2005 1696672 0 Mickie 2 1696686 Same here. I guess I assumed everyone did it that way. I don't do potluck at my house (because of several personnality flaws) but for an extended family traditional gathering, I can't imagine it otherwise. My 98 year old grandmother provides: her house. Aunt 1 - Turkey, dressing, gravy Aunt 2 - Ham, 3 diff. cranberry relishes, green beans (plain green beans, no goop, no cream-of), corn Aunt 2 - Tea, sweet potato casserole (pecan-struessel, not marshmallows, we lost those somewhere in the 80's), mac & cheese Aunt 4 - Fruit salad (not much of a cook, but makes a beautiful fruit salad) Granddaughter 1 (me) - biscuits and/or rolls, dessert Granddaughter 2 - pound cake w/ caramel icing exactly like my grandmother used to make, which she has studied and perfected over the years. Granddaughter 3 - nothing, daugther of Aunt 4, so not much of a cook. Granddaughter-In-law 1&2 - nothing, can't cook either apparently. Notice the lack of cooking in the current generation. I expect to inherit some more dish responsibilities as the years take the inevitable toll. I don't have any kids, so I'm hoping the non-cooking wives of my cousins will invite me to thanksgiving and x-mas in my old age in exchange for food! OP: I hope this turns into a nice tradition for your family, sorry about the unfortunate circumstances. Wed Nov 09 09:17:03 -0800 2005 1696677 0 danna 3 1696715 Actually, what I'm noting isn't the lack of food contribution of your generation, but the lack of males in your family. It couldn't be that they (gasp!) don't contribute any food? Wed Nov 09 14:56:03 -0800 2005 1696686 0 smokey 4 1696718 ha ha ha....the men cooking!....ha ha.... that's a good one, Smokey! Actually, my husband does insist on doing the dishes. The aunts(which include my Mom) look at him like he's from another planet. I have to hear about it the rest of the day, and I swear, one of the aunts mentioned it in a thank you note after Christmas. If you are wondering whether any of the uncles have noticed this aberration of nature, the answer is "no". How would they? They would have to walk in the kitchen to see him do it. :-) Wed Nov 09 15:39:53 -0800 2005 1696715 0 danna 2 1696698 Actually my wife doesn't cook very often -- I am the cook in the house. Wed Nov 09 11:41:37 -0800 2005 1696677 0 Das Ubergeek 3 1696706 Could it be that, not being much of a cook, she doesn't understand how much work cooking for 36 people in a small kitchen would be? If you do most of the cooking, I'd say she should let you make the decision about how best to handle the situation, and be gracious in supporting you! No, you are not being rude.... Wed Nov 09 13:21:17 -0800 2005 1696698 0 susancinsf 1 1696678 No problem on the pot luck. Wives should be mad at you...making nice nice is much betteer that way. Be careful about the pot luck items and spend some time on the phone planning it. Most people don't understand the danger zone of temperature for foods. Do the bird on the grill...or maybe not if you don't feel confident about it. Shift to large pots of basics and use your crock pots to keep items warm. Burner units are cheap...pots at the thrift shops are really cheap and the grill can keep them warm. Have the visitors bring things that are cold and bottled. Unless they are cooking freaks they will secretly appreciate just having to stop at the store and pick up whatever. Wed Nov 09 07:03:19 -0800 2005 1696672 0 michael b 2 1696684 Very sage advice. A Thanksgiving potluck can be a food poisoning orgy if things are not planned well. You'd be surprised what many people don't think through.... Wed Nov 09 08:48:25 -0800 2005 1696678 0 Karl S 1 1696679 Reread your post...have the relatives w/ the raised eyebrows bring the expensive triple chocolate cake from the yuppie bakery. AND the wine!!!! Wed Nov 09 07:07:14 -0800 2005 1696672 0 michael b 1 1696681 A family potluck is a great idea and for big families its the way a whole lot of people go. Historically Ive been a bit perfectionistic about my family Thanksgiving dinners and have gotten completely wasted preparing the whole thing for a group that is half the size of yours. The last couple years we have asked/allowed people to bring elements of the dinner, and I think everyone is happier to be able to add their touch to the meal. Also, cooking everything in a quantity for 36 people can be much more time consuming than smaller quantities. Better to spread the effort around to other peoples houses, have more selections and dont break your back. Wed Nov 09 07:27:24 -0800 2005 1696672 0 jen kalb 1 1696682 Potluck is the only way we have done holiday dinners for 30+ years. With a large family it's rude to dump it all on one person. Wed Nov 09 08:15:03 -0800 2005 1696672 0 LikestoEatout 1 1696683 I don't think you suck at all. I hate Thanksgiving because of all the work involved and other family issue which are not Chowhound appropriate (and we only have 7-9 people) and love the idea of a pot luck event. Wed Nov 09 08:45:37 -0800 2005 1696672 0 Janet from Richmond 1 1696685 Do you suck? No, not at all. You're making the best of a situation. Wed Nov 09 09:13:17 -0800 2005 1696672 0 Linda W. 1 1696689 Some suggestions that can make things easier for a potluck are: Make a solid list of the foods you want / need and be VERY specific about who makes / brings which items and HOW MUCH of each. Make sure your fridge is empty to hold items... if it is 45 degrees or less outside you can store well wrapped foods outside... just beware of animals... Make a detailed list of what you have to do and a timeline. Of course reality will throw in several monkey wrenches but this list will keep Murphy under a semblance of control. I have found it easiest for the hosts to supply the soft drinks, punch, plates, cups, etc. and warming trays and have the guests bring the rest. Of course you may also want to cook some dishes / entrees yourself as well. I know that I always have to cook up some special dishes. Go to a party supply store and pick up warming trays, pans, sterno, etc. They are very inexpensive. At the party supply store you can also pick up heavy duty disposable plates, cups and glasses, eating and serving ware, etc. For 36 people, this will make serving and cleanup much, much easier. Don't forget a few decorations while you are there. They can make a party much more festive. Ask the folks bringing foods that are served hot to put them into the correct size disposable aluminum trays to fit in the warming trays you bought. This way you can easily put them into the oven to bring up to temp and then into the warming trays... or even put the food trays directly into the warming trays to reheat. You won't be able to easily make enough whole turkeys for 36 in one oven unless you are cooking turkeys over several days, but you can cook breasts and legs for that many. So you can buy the breasts and legs separately and roast them, they cook much faster than a whole bird, and you have less chance of over / undercooked turkey since you can cook each cut to the desired level... Or you can ask for several people to bring roasted whole turkeys and have a variety of types for folks to choose from. Wed Nov 09 09:40:17 -0800 2005 1696672 0 JMF 1 1696690 FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION THIS! I had a slightly similar situation years ago when my mother had several relatives foisted on her for Thanksgiving Dinner (don't ask how). Well she was upset because we couldn't all fit at the dining room table, so I suggested we set up a buffet in the dining room and have a new-style Thanksgiving buffet. Result: all the single people loved it but the married relatives got stuck dealing with their kids and complained later on that they missed out on the adult conversations they always enjoyed when were all at the dining table together with the kids at a card table. So no matter what you do there's always going to be someone who ain't gonna like it. Courage, I say, and make sure the vino flows! :) Wed Nov 09 09:49:25 -0800 2005 1696672 0 Jan 1 1696692 Well it sounds like Thanksgiving is usually done by some other relative and this year, unexpected circumstances forced it on you. Is there something about the past Thanksgivings that your wife feels she must compete with by doing all the cooking herself? I don't think you suck, this is not an uncommon or unreasonable arrangement at all--if you don't have the space and cooking resources. No matter where we've gone for Thanksgiving or done it ourselves, we and everyone else we know always ASK or even BEG to bring something--wine, bread, pies. In fact MOST Thanksgivings I've been to are semi-potlucks with guests not wanting to see the hostess overworked and everyone pitching in somehow. So I'm wondering if your past Thanksgivings were completely hosted where no guests lifted a finger or brought anything, and your wife is trying to maintain this tradition. Just try to maintain good humor and stay gently respectful of your wife's hurt feelings. You might keep in mind that while doing all the cooking yourselves would be an exhausting feat, a potluck is only slightly less work due to the logistics involved. You might ask people to bring their hotdishes in their own crockpot, that way they're not taking up your oven & burner space. Also you may want to buy a case of that disposable tupperware because you are not going to have room in your fridge for all the leftovers and will need to send some food home with your guests. Wed Nov 09 10:27:29 -0800 2005 1696672 0 tarabell 1 1696693 It's a great idea. But I think that calling it a "potluck" is not a good idea. When I think of potluck, I think of people just bringing random stuff and it's just a mishmash of food. And if the relatives who "raised their eyebrows" at the situation don't like it, too bad. Let them cook for 36 people at their house next time! Wed Nov 09 10:37:31 -0800 2005 1696672 0 valerie 1 1696695 You do not suck. As long as I could control the turkey, potatoes, gravy and cranberry sauce, I wouldn't care what else shows up rather than get obsessive directing every little side dish. However, you may need a ham prepared in advance to round out the turkey for that many people, especially if you can only cook one at a time. Wed Nov 09 11:01:10 -0800 2005 1696672 0 Ellen 1 1696696 when we have had family thanksgivings, we ALWAYS share the cooking duties. I bring pies, someone else does veggies, the host does turkey, etc. The only time I cook it all is when its just my kids and hubbie and me. I'm trying to figure out why your wife was so upset...are your family members that bad cooks :-) Wed Nov 09 11:20:24 -0800 2005 1696672 0 janet of reno 1 1696697 Nope. This was the norm during grad school when large Thanksgiving/Xmas gatherings were always pot luck by virtue of widespread poverty. Organization made it work and there was`always enough to feed the freeloaders who inevitably showed up uninvited--and empty-handed. Wed Nov 09 11:35:11 -0800 2005 1696672 0 Ronin 1 1696699 Didn't the Pilgrims do it 'potluck' style way back in the very begining? I think you are being very reasonable and think your wife may be worried what others are thinking. Wed Nov 09 11:54:42 -0800 2005 1696672 0 BlueHerons 1 1696700 Why not buy a complete dinner from your local complete Thanksgiving dinner supplier? Please the wife, that's the top priority. Wed Nov 09 12:20:15 -0800 2005 1696672 0 Peter 2 1696707 Cost. Cost, and Thanksgiving ought, in my mind, to be a home-cooked affair -- even if the dishes are cooked in several homes. It would cost me an astounding amount of money to order a full Thanksgiving for 36 people -- on the order of $750. Wed Nov 09 13:28:09 -0800 2005 1696700 0 Das Ubergeek 3 1696712 Really? Get a fully cooked turkey, a ham, couple of side dishes, and that's $750? You can supplement with your own sides, fresh bread, dessert, etc. Wed Nov 09 13:52:10 -0800 2005 1696707 0 Peter 4 1696717 Dude, it shouldn't cost you more than $10 per person tops. $750 for turkey, mashed potatoes, gravey, a few veggies, stuffing, and mac and cheese is highway robbery. Wed Nov 09 15:38:47 -0800 2005 1696712 0 BlueHerons 5 1696722 But as Das Ubergeek said earlier, he feels T'giving should be a home-cooked affair. So buying it from Stop and Shop isn't an option......for him. Wed Nov 09 16:11:40 -0800 2005 1696717 0 Linda W. 6 1696725 He said cost is the issue, citing $750 for complete dinner for 36. I think that's real high. Or he can just get the main dish and cook side dishes himself. Me, I will never go against the wife. While it's nice to be on the good side of MIL, you don't have to live with her. You do have to live with wife. Wed Nov 09 16:47:31 -0800 2005 1696722 0 Peter 6 1696768 But if the $750 is an issue and cooking for that many is an issue, maybe he should start checking with local grocery stores or delis. Fri Nov 11 09:24:34 -0800 2005 1696722 0 BlueHerons 7 1696770 But obviously the OP doesn't *want* to do either from a cost and time issue, which is why he asked about a potluck. Fri Nov 11 10:41:38 -0800 2005 1696768 0 Linda W. 8 1696784 Agreed. However, my local grocery store cooks it better than I could ;) Fri Nov 11 16:17:35 -0800 2005 1696770 0 BlueHerons 7 1696779 these holiday events are just generally fraught - thanksgiving for a lot of people is about "home" and home cooked food - and for many chowhounds, hopefully great homecooked food, which is why we spend so much time obsessing about it. In this context, supermarket or deli cooked food just might not cut it for everybody. Fri Nov 11 15:11:23 -0800 2005 1696768 0 jen kalb 5 1696743 Maybe elsewhere... but around here a full dinner costs between $20-$25 a person plus delivery (10% of the total usually), setup and a nice tip for the driver who is stuck working the holiday. $20 x 36 = $720. Thu Nov 10 10:44:12 -0800 2005 1696717 0 Das Ubergeek 3 1696727 Das, you're absolutely right, thanksgiving shoud be a home cooked affair, it's only the lazy yuppies that go to Gelsons or some other market and buy the whole affair. You could go to Albertson's Market or fill in the blank __________ just before thanksgiving and buy one get one free(or similar deal) 15 to 18 lb turkey(total 2 for 36) cook both buy some back up wine for the cheapies who don't bring anything, trader joes 2 buck chuck for back up, and the whole thing if you go pot luck shoud not cost you more than 50 bucks. Wed Nov 09 17:04:22 -0800 2005 1696707 0 malibumike 3 1696780 My sister ordered Thanksgiving dinner last year from "her club" for an astounding amount of money and then complained about the cost all evening. This year she plans to "outsource the messy things." And no one wants to go. Doesn't seem like much of a holiday to me that way. Generally, everyone brings something and it works out better for us that way. This year, it is the in laws turn to have us, and they serve real food. Fri Nov 11 15:52:26 -0800 2005 1696707 0 Amy 1 1696704 If your wife has a problem with it, let HER do all the cooking, geez! My husband does zero cooking (a good thing). I make all 10 courses (which I enjoy). If he had the nerve to complain about my food/approach, I would boycott and let him run the show. Wed Nov 09 12:51:18 -0800 2005 1696672 0 Funwithfood 1 1696710 Since this seems a done deed, this is an after the fact question, but have you asked your wife why she really is so upset? Different people in this post have given opinion why THEY would be upset, but maybe she has her own reasons. Perhaps after years of eating at other relative she wanted to reciprocate in like manner? Does she feel embarrassed that she doesn’t have an abode grand enough to host this shindig? Does she know her family better than you and doesn’t want to be the talk of the family for generations because of this? Did anyone ask her for how she would have handled it given the constraint? Caterer? Group expedition to a restaurant (yeah, over 30 people, I’d think not). Is it a loss of control issue? I hosted a large Thanksgiving Dinner once and due to work and other situations I was running seriously behind and initially was totally humiliated to have to ask some of the people to help … but you know what? It turned out to be one of the best Thanksgivings. It broke some ice between people who didn’t know each other and people liked pitching in to help. However, like I said for me it was a matter of hating to ask for help and imposing on people. Anyway, with your list of who is bringing what, I’d keep track of how each dish is being kept hot/cold. Buy a few hot plates or ask people to bring them along? Drag out the coolers from summer picnics or … ditto … ask people to bring theirs. There are those wonderful coolers they have now that you can either plug into the car’s cigarette lighter or into a wall socket and they keep food warm or cold. Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with the idea, but I’m not your wife. Link: http://chowhound.safeshopper.com/21/cat21.htm?371 Wed Nov 09 13:46:03 -0800 2005 1696672 0 rworange 1 1696711 You are being neither rude nor unreasonable. However, I have sympathy for your wife. I personally would hate to host a potluck Thanksgiving dinner in my home. Of course, that assumes that I would be doing the cooking and not making someone else do it. Wed Nov 09 13:48:34 -0800 2005 1696672 0 JudiAU 1 1696716 Hi Ube - Gosh no, you don't suck. That's the best way to have Thanksgiving because everyone's sharing plus they usually feel a little "pride" in their contibution. I have a big family up here in Canton, MI and that's the way we've been doing it for years. Go out and get a bunch of those styrofoam take-home containers and make sure everyone relieves you of all the leftovers (except what your want and can store) plus plastic bags from a friendly grocer into which they can be stacked and carried. I'll bet your wife will be delightfully suprised. Bob Wed Nov 09 15:12:14 -0800 2005 1696672 0 Sony Bob 1 1696720 Sounds to me like your wife needs to have a stiff drink and relax. Isn't Thanksgiving about being with family? How is that possible when you're exhausted from cooking for 36 people all by yourself? Do the potluck. If someone else has a problem with it then they can cook for 36 all by themselves at their house, not yours. Wed Nov 09 15:57:50 -0800 2005 1696672 0 Morgan 1 1696723 As a person who generally dislikes potlucks, I'd put my stamp of approval on your plan! You're making a sizable contribution to the meal and you seem to be quite thoughtful in making guest "assignments." For years, we've participated in a quasi-potluck on Thanksgiving and it's usually quite wonderful. Have a lovely time! Wed Nov 09 16:35:11 -0800 2005 1696672 0 phoebek 2 1696735 Agreed! I generally dislike potlucks, but in this case, a potluck is the only sane option if you (the OP) don't want to go to a restaurant or buy a prepared meal. Besides, it's family and Thanksgiving, a holiday where a collective approach is not only sensible but meaningful! For me, T-giving is never about having the "perfect" meal but just spending time w/ those that I love and usually don't see often. If dishes clash or Aunt X is a horrible cook, who cares? These things make for good memories too. Not only are you cooking, but you are HOSTING at your place which is another layer of work and stress. Cleaning the place, thinking about seating, how to entertain kids, dealing w/ eating and drinking utensils, keeping foods hot/cold, etc, etc, etc... While others will be contributing, you (the OP) and your wife are still carrying much of the load. I hope your wife has adjusted to the idea. She will likely thank you later for it. Good luck!! Wed Nov 09 20:17:16 -0800 2005 1696723 0 Carb Lover 1 1696726 You are being very reasonable. My wife loves to cook but we have never had a Thanksgiving where everybody we invited has not offered to bring something. Offers usually include desserts - read a pie or two, salads, green bean cassorole, etc. They call us and ask what they can bring and we cross it off the list. We cook the turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, stuffing and everybody else brings the other stuff usually including some wine or other beverage. Unless your invited guests are unusally stingy it turns out to be a pot luck anyway. It is your kitchen/house that gets to be a mess and your drain that gets clogged with grease. Wed Nov 09 16:48:04 -0800 2005 1696672 0 malibumike 1 1696728 We do this every year and it makes for a much more interesting & fun Thanksgiving dinner. It's way too much to expect one person to do it themself for 36 people. Your wife is being very unreasonable. Wed Nov 09 17:12:41 -0800 2005 1696672 0 torta basilica 2 1696737 I always bring a pie and green salad . . . that is, it's completely normal to share the cooking. Even when people have big kitchens and plenty of money. And for 36 . . . jeebus! Wed Nov 09 20:37:34 -0800 2005 1696728 0 pitu 3 1696756 No kidding. My Mom and I did a 70th birthday party for my Dad this spring. 48 guests. Even with two of us cooking, it was still a MAJOR project. I took two days off work + the Saturday of the party to cook and decorate. Just setting up card tables (I assume the OP does not have a banquet hall that seats 36 in his house) and chairs, tablecloths, centerpieces, place cards, place settings, etc. took me a good half day. And my Mom is retired and worked tirelessly for a several days. Not to mention all the planning and shopping that went on in advance. It wasn't all that drop-dead fancy either, and I purchased *gasp* the bread. Which, of course, meant another hour spent driving to the not-so-local artisanal bread baker. Point being...hosting that many people is like having a second job for awhile. Fine if it's a once in a blue moon occassion, but I sure couldn't see doing it every year for T-giving w/out a little help. It's FAMILY, for Pete's sake! Thu Nov 10 16:07:35 -0800 2005 1696737 0 danna 4 1696758 While I never had a diner that big, but the first time I hosted a large Thanksgiving dinner, it was the logistics that killed me ... setting the table, finding chairs, etc. etc. I was still pretty much serving the same dinner but it took me three times the amount of work to set up. Hey, maybe that's why the original poster's wife is ticked. She didn't want the dinner at the house period. Thu Nov 10 16:53:14 -0800 2005 1696756 0 rworange 1 1696730 Can't imagine why anyone would do it any other way. Cooking for 36 people is fine with a commercial kitchen and a staff, or maybe if you're a professional cook with super organizing skills, but I've done TG dinner for exactly half that many in a good-sized kitchen, and if I hadn't had a couple of friends contributing dishes it would've been a damned sparse meal. I am in total disagreement with the folks who are saying you should defer to your wife's concerns, however misguided. My wife doesn't let me get away with that kind of crap, nor I her. YMMV... Wed Nov 09 17:53:29 -0800 2005 1696672 0 Will Owen 1 1696732 No, you don't suck IF you give up the idea that your MIL and you are going to "overrule" (as you put it) your wife. You and your wife have equal say in this matter, and it's no fair your counting MIL's opinion as a vote on your side (unless MIL is a member of the household, too, but that does not seem to be the case). MHO you should not have a potluck if your wife is opposed to it. You should ask exactly what her objections are and address them. How can there be a potluck in your house if one of you objects? I think a potluck is okay as long as it is presented as such from the get-go. Don't invite guests to T-day dinner and *then* ask them to bring something. Rather, say you and your wife are "thinking of having a potluck at our house and would you like join us?" On potlucks: I dislike them. The food is never as hot, or cold, or delicious as it should be. Me, i'd prefer to have a dinner for 36 people catered. And, no, it does not have to cost $750. Wed Nov 09 18:17:26 -0800 2005 1696672 0 Browniebaker 2 1696736 Huh? Where do *YOU* live? If it doesn't cost at least $750, it would be less than $20 p/p, catered, with tax and tip? On Thanksgiving? For a full meal? I'd doubt if that can be found in LA where the OP is (or just about anywhere, really)...Send me the name of that caterer! I think asking relatives to bring dishes to Thanksgiving dinner is quite common and most folks do try to put their best foot forward with something delicious. As for hot or cold, the OP does have a kitchen, and he could presumably do just as good a job of reheating and refridgerating as the catering service does.... Wed Nov 09 20:36:36 -0800 2005 1696732 0 susancinsf 3 1696745 And, what relative would EXPECT to show up empty-handed to a Thanksgiving dinner? Thu Nov 10 11:11:00 -0800 2005 1696736 0 Funwithfood 4 1696769 My in-laws have never contributed anything to our Thanksgiving dinner. Fri Nov 11 09:28:52 -0800 2005 1696745 0 Janet from Richmond 5 1696773 You need to get a new set of in-laws. Fri Nov 11 11:37:32 -0800 2005 1696769 0 malibumike 6 1696776 This is my third set......LOL Fri Nov 11 12:52:55 -0800 2005 1696773 0 Janet from Richmond 1 1696739 My family has always done at least a partial carry in for big meals together. It's really nice because everyone gets to participate. At my inlaws, we are "guests." I feel like a bystander. Wed Nov 09 22:53:51 -0800 2005 1696672 0 BeaN 1 1696750 I think you are posting the wrong question. It's not either or, not either you suck or not, not either you are right or your wife is right. There is a vast middle ground that can be achieved. Can't we all get along? Also it's not two extremes, either you cook the whole thing or have some caterer do the whole thing. As I said before you can get prepared main dishes (turkey, ham) and supplement them with your own side dishes, some you cook some your relatives bring. Frankly reading thru some of the posts I am surprised that some of you are still married. Thu Nov 10 13:53:24 -0800 2005 1696672 0 Peter 1 1696754 Friends of mine, a married couple, host a Thanksgiving dinner each year, inviting assorted people (not family) who don't have family or perhaps have family too far away to have Thanksgiving with. So the situation is not exactly parallel, but here's how it works: they provide the turkey and dressing, basic sides such as mashed potatoes and gravy, vegetable dish, etc. I usually make a capon (this year, porchetta), an alternate dressing, salad, dessert. Other guests bring appetizers, additional sides, wine, etc. I think the whole SPIRIT of Thanksgiving is about potluck! You are, after all, providing the setting; if the gathering is large, and likely to overextend your facilities, why NOT let other family members bring dishes, especially if they are willing to do so? Where's the shame in that? I see none. Thu Nov 10 14:49:07 -0800 2005 1696672 0 LT from LF 1 1696762 You don't suck and your heart is in the right place. It's admirable that you want to save the day by hosting thanksgiving. However, I would be sleeping in the bathtub if I colluded with my MIL and then 'overruled' DH in the process. As mentioned by another poster, there is still room for compromise, it isn't an either or situation. So I suggest peeling Mrs. Ubergeek off of the ceiling and try to discuss some other solutions to hosting Thanksgiving dinner. Good luck, I'm curious to read how it turns out for you. Thu Nov 10 22:41:36 -0800 2005 1696672 0 Tracy L. 1 1696765 If you want any advice on cooking the turkey on the grill, I'd be happy to ask my father how he does it every year and post in on the Home Cooking Board. That would free up your oven for cooking & reheating. Good luck! Fri Nov 11 07:29:04 -0800 2005 1696672 0 MMRuth 1 1696771 At every TG for the past 40 yrs. we take turns hosting the dinner at a different family members home and every once in a while (4-5yrs.) this can mean as much as an hour and a half drive. Most years there are 30(once 45) or more people and all the brothers and sisters and even Grandparents bring a specific dish for a particular course of the meal this also includes all the beverages. The turkey and maybe porkroast or ham are cook at the host house and a few times it was cooked at another family members and bought to the host house. Most of the family live within 20 miles of each other. When ever a family member is bring a NON_FAMILY person, which always happens (lot's of orphan friends)the host is told in advance and the guest is just that and never expected or asked to contribute anything. But that's just us. Everyone knows to bring their own tupperware or whatever for the leftovers. Fri Nov 11 11:13:34 -0800 2005 1696672 0 gemini 1 1696775 I would have gone with 36 Swanson turkey tv dinners. That way it wouldn't interfere with the football games, because after all, isn't Thanksgiving all about the Cowboys game? Fri Nov 11 12:39:23 -0800 2005 1696672 0 Bobfrmia 2 1696782 Right On! Feed em enough wine first and they will never know the difference. Fri Nov 11 16:02:17 -0800 2005 1696775 0 malibumike 3 1696783 I forgot, Hormel makes Turkey Spam. Get 18 cans, cut em in half and you're in business. Fri Nov 11 16:07:15 -0800 2005 1696782 0 malibumike 2 1696786 How do you heat them all in one oven? Fri Nov 11 17:51:47 -0800 2005 1696775 0 Peter 1 1696778 Das, your heart is in the right place but, IMHO, you crossed a boundary by your mother-in-law and you "over-ruling your wife's decision to not have a potluck. You said your m-i-l only made a suggestion for the potluck. You also said some 'unfortunate last minute circumstances required some changes.' After my divorce I've learned I should have listened more to my wife but that's me. Thanksgiving is a time of gratitude and shouldn't be a hassle. It sounds like your wife has some issues here and it's work to host a big dinner in a small space. Could you possibly prepare some of the dishes ahead of time like the green beans and salad? Perhaps people could just bring the pumpkin pies and desserts and wine. Wifey might feel better about that. Fri Nov 11 13:46:25 -0800 2005 1696672 0 Flynn 1 1696785 1. The upset was about the logistics -- after all, how DO you fit 36 people into a 1400 sqft house? She was a little freaked out about the suddenness of it. 2. The person who was going to host was called out of town to the Paris office for the week -- so we're going to rent tables, china, flatware and glassware and expense it to the company. (They won't pay for the food, though.) We'll get it done -- but it's going to be interesting. I've taken Wednesday prior off so that I can get the house arranged and accept delivery of the rental stuff. Fri Nov 11 17:19:48 -0800 2005 1696672 0 Das Ubergeek 2 1696791 I have been following this with fascination; thanks for clarifying what the issues were. Please post and let us know how everything goes. Hope you and all those guests have a wonderful time! Sat Nov 12 22:23:41 -0800 2005 1696785 0 Head Gazelle 2 1696906 I haven't read all the suggestions to this thread, so apologies if this has been addressed elsewhere. I've attended two very large T-day gatherings (40+) in year's past. For both of them, assignments were given out not just for food but for logistics and organizing part of it. One group did this all in advance, creating family group teams, e.g., decorations, serving the elders, dishwashing, entertaining the children, and each team coordinated their own activities ahead of time. The other group made tasks for individuals, wrote them on slips of paper, and then every guest pulled one out of a basket. These were things like, tend the fireplace, set the table, say grace, open wine bottles, keep the beer cold, CDs, take out the garbage. My recollection is that the most sought after assignment was "seat the women". I'd say that most folks were so happy that they didn't have to host at their own home, they were happy to take extra tasks on and pitch in all they could. Both parties were fabulous and went off without a hitch. Fri Nov 18 18:53:13 -0800 2005 1696785 0 Melanie Wong 1 1696792 rude or reasonable??? I thought you were going to ask if you were rude to tell people specifically what you want them to bring (or give them a range of options). Me, I would not only tell them what to bring, I would want to give them a recipe (controlling? you decide) But 36 people! Whatever it takes. With that number there's lots of logistics beyond the food issue -- supplying silverware, a place for coats and parking means you're not being unreasonable at all! Sun Nov 13 11:56:57 -0800 2005 1696672 0 willow 1 1696798 I think your solution very reasonable for a family occasion. Having everyone together, having good cheer and good food is all that matters. I love a formal Thanksgiving myself, but sometimes it doesn't work out that way. Plan on one for another year. Sun Nov 13 23:32:26 -0800 2005 1696672 0 Fleur 1 1696898 No, you do NOT suck. Sounds like your wife is, understandably, feeling stressed about 36 Thanksgiving dinner guests. Under any circumstances, that makes perfect sense. Enlist your most mature, cooperative guests to help out unobtrusively. It sounds like your wife may try to do too much. Keep asking her what you/people can do to help. Plan with her to do something she really enjoys after the holiday, like going away for a relaxed week-end. Fri Nov 18 15:04:12 -0800 2005 1696672 0 Niki Rothman 1 1696927 I once got a panicked call on Christmas Day from the host of a Christmas dinner. His partner, the cook, had fallen ill. My friend said he could handle cooking the ham but not much else. We were all still invited but now were asked to bring a dish. Luckily there are Asian veggie markets and corner liquor stores in San Francisco that are open on Christmas. I made several dishes and sugar cookies. Even though I think many of the other guests were non-cooks, we had a pretty good meal - scrounged out of whatever we could get our hands on. Frankly we were all pretty damned proud of ourselves for pulling together and helping. I'll bet a similar sense of goodwill and gratefullness will happen at your party. Have a good Thanksgiving. Sun Nov 20 19:43:17 -0800 2005 1696672 0 Kato 1 1697084 Your wife is wrong and should apologize to her mother. A potluck is a coming together of people, a sharing of goods that is the essence of Thanksgiving. Tell her folks to bring what ever they enjoy cooking and pour your wife a drink of something strong. Wed Nov 23 15:49:00 -0800 2005 1696672 0 Tom 1 1697107 It was fantastic. People brought what they were asked to bring, the kitchen was a hundred times saner than it was last year when we didn't do "potluck style", and after seeing that I had the energy to do the dessert dishes after everyone had left, she said that despite initial fears that people would "flake out" or forget what they were supposed to bring, it worked really well and maybe we should do it again next year. The only bad thing was that last year I forgot to put out the bread, and everyone assumed I had forgotten to buy any, so this year every person in the group brought bread... so now I have 10 pounds of bread left over. Oh well... bread pudding it is. Thanks to everyone for their input. Hope your Thanksgiving was as happy as ours. Fri Nov 25 12:46:01 -0800 2005 1696672 0 Das Ubergeek