Alternative Food Awards
- Simon Majumdar
At this time in London we seem to be swamped with awards for Pub of the Year, Restaurant of the Year, Wine Bar of the Year, etc, etc.
I am working with one of the national English papers to come up with alternative awards for their end of year edition.
I would really welcome suggestions for categories and anecdotes. So far the categories I have are
" There's A Rat In The Kitchen" Award for poor hygene in food service.
The " My Brother Cletus is the smart one" Award for poor service
The "ask for Ketchup again and I will remove your heart with my bare hands and show it to you while it is still beating " award for Diva Chefs
The " If I want steak well done I'll damn well have it well done and to Hell with Bourdain" award for dumbest punter
The " Carbon Dating as means of identification" award for worst prepared meal
The " A table of Five you say?, For Friday night you say? at eight o Clock you say? I don't think so" award for most obstructive reservation service
The " This soup tastes a little odd" award for kitchen revenge stories.
The " I wanted dinner, not to buy the place" award for the most exhorbitant bill.
These do not have to be London based so any and all suggestions/stories welcome
Thanks in advance
How about "miners lamp award" for establishments so dark that reading the menu is nigh-impossible? A friend set a menu on fire when he attempted to read it by the light of the votive candle on the table! And "here's your fur napkin and bib" for restaurants that crank up the ac so high it induces gooseflesh (NYC and Florida establishments particularly guilty of this).
This one is sort of crass, but anyway:
The "If we want a third, we'll call an escort service" award for the waiter/waitress who has most shamelessly made eyes at what is obviously your significant other/spouse.
This was kind of fun in my knackered, jet-lagged state
"Fusion cuisine most resembling cold fusion" award
"The dimmest shadow of former self"
"Why all the hype?" award
"Most undeservedly overlooked"
And I guess "Most deservedly overlooked"
"The greasiest and therefore the loveliest"
And finally a crazy one:
The Association of Psychotic Restaurant and Pub Owners medal. To be awarded to the lucky establishment exhibiting all 103 signs and symptoms of utter institutional lunacy. (Note: Evidence of Faulty Towers Disorder (including Polly pseudo neurosis and attention deficit disorder (Manuel type, cause unknown)) is not sufficient to qualify for this most prestigious prize. Necessary is daftness in a more extreme form, yet undocumented by our noble association. No management consultant will EVER fix this place.
Now, whats my commission from the paper? Only joshing!
The "You can't get there from here" award for hardest-to-find restaurant. [This is a very popular category in Tokyo].